Date: Thu, 6 Sep 2012 01:00:16 +0100 From: S. W Subject: With Regret Chapter 4 I ended up going to work for a few hours after Jacob left me at the cemetery. I hoped it would distract me from thinking about him, but I still couldn't stop replaying the image of him walking in on me. I felt a hard tight pain in my chest and stomach every time...I'd never felt so guilty before in my life, or so ashamed...and not to mention so incredibly fucking stupid. When I got home I had a cigarette in our small, neatly turfed garden, and thought about how lonely and scared I felt. To be honest I was blatantly feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't long until I made my way upstairs and slumped into bed, denying myself of any food. I deserved to feel like utter shit. Just like I deserved to cry myself to sleep that night, clutching tightly at Jacobs pillow while taking in the remainder of his sweet scent. - - I kept to myself the following day at work. I couldn't be arsed with forcing on a smile and participating in idle small talk with my colleagues so I stayed slumped in front of my laptop in my office. I had a well-paid job being a Finance Director, but it was far from being an exciting one. I enjoyed it at times though and it had taken a lot of studying to get to where I was. Jacob was a HR Assistant for a company called Sandax, but had quite recently had to start working part-time due to the company making cut backs. Fortunately it didn't affect us too much financially as we pretty much lived off my wage anyway. I text Jacob in the morning to ask what time he was going to come round, but by mid afternoon he still hadn't replied. I could only try and distract myself for so long before I had to ring him. I was genuinely surprised that he answered the phone to me; I thought I was going to need to try a few times. "Jacob?" "Yeah?" He said quietly. "W-what time you coming round?" I asked, sounding undoubtedly desperate. There was a horrible silence for a few moments, and I dreaded what he was going to say. My hands went clammy as I waited, praying he hadn't changed his mind. "I don't know." He whispered. I could hear the quiver in his voice, making me want to cry myself. I needed so badly to be close to him again, to feel his lips on mine and to see those eyes. I wanted to hold him and make him happy, make him smile and laugh and love me again. "I love you so much." I whispered back without thinking. I closed my eyes as my head hung low into my palm. I thought of what to say next. To persuade Jacob to come round and give me that undeserved chance to explain myself...to try and win him back. "Please Jacob..." I urged. "We need to talk." "6." He said with forced sternness. "I'll come at 6." "Shall I cook –" "No." He interrupted, "I'll come for an hour. I need to get some things anyway." A couple of tears rolled down my face when he said that. I didn't want him to only stay for an hour and fuck off. I wanted him back. I wanted him to stay. I didn't want him to sleep elsewhere; I wanted him in bed with me. I needed him not to leave again. "J-" I started, but he abruptly hung up. For fucks sake. I dropped my phone onto the desk and groaned into my hands. I nearly shouted `piss off' when I heard someone knock on my office door. I think I forgot where I was, or I just didn't care. I wiped my eyes and slouched back into my chair before calling whoever it was to come in. Make it quick, I thought to myself. Ethan from Technical Support walked in. "You alright Phil?" He asked with concern. "Yeah," I sighed, "what's up." Ethan and I usually talked quite a bit at work. I got on more with Ethan than any other employee; I think it was because he was down to earth and a good laugh. Good looking too. He was just a little shorter than me and slim with dark blond hair and really dark eyes. He had a nice complexion too, very lightly tanned and smooth. Ethan was around Jacobs's age, so a few years younger than me. "Sure you're alright mate? You look...tired?" He continued. "Honestly I'm fine." I told him with a forced smile. We may have gotten on well, but he didn't know any ins and outs of my life. No one at work did. "Just need to check some network details on your laptop if that's ok?" "Yeah no problem." I exhaled as I rose from my seat, "I need to pop to the car so I'll leave you to it." I gave him a weak smile before grabbing my phone and leaving the office. I grabbed my cigs out the car and sparked one up. I felt fucking shit to say the least. I was already fed up with the heavy feeling Jacobs's absence had left me with and it wasn't going to get any better until he came back home. Glancing at my phone I saw I had a text from Jacob. I'd forgotten my phone was on silent. I wish I'd not read it though. As it made me want to break down and sob. I bitterly turned off my phone and chucked it in the car, biting my lip to try and control myself from crying as his words rung through my head. `I hate you.' - - Driving home from work I actually had to talk myself out of stopping at the usual place for a quickie. Sounds ridiculous I know, but I wanted to try and make myself feel better. When I made it home I did a quick clean and tidy up of the house before getting showered, shaved and changed. I wanted to look my best for Jacob. I hadn't ruled out attempting seduction if nothing else worked in making him stay. Looking my best just consisted of a pair of good fitting jeans and a top I knew Jacob liked on me. I squirted on his favourite cologne before somewhat styling my hair. I wasn't exactly bigheaded but I knew I wasn't a bad looking guy, dark hair and eyes with a slightly olive skin tone and at 6ft8 with a toned, slightly muscular body I was in good shape too. I usually went to the gym for a workout most mornings but hadn't been for about 4 weeks. I started having sex with a guy in the changing rooms, but when he started asking me to go out for drinks with him I harshly thought it'd be best to avoid him for a while. I had broad shoulders too which Jacob loved digging his nails into when we made love in the missionary position. He didn't have long nails or anything but he would still manage to scratch me and sometimes even draw blood. Something I found so fucking sexy. Missionary was our favourite position; I loved being able to kiss him and look into his eyes –he looked incredible when he was close to orgasm. His eyes would go heavy lidded as he gazed at me and moan loudly calling my name. I also liked him being on top, riding me slowly as I would stare at his beautiful body and face. So fucking beautiful... I didn't do those positions with anyone else. I would prefer to just bend them over or have them straddle my cock facing away from me. I didn't fuck other guys for intimacy, just pleasure. Jacob and me did do other positions though. If we had sex on the sofa for example I'd have him sit on my cock not facing me, and I'd run my hands all over him, kissing him and his neck and then stroking his cock until he came... I needed to stop thinking about sex. I didn't have time to take care of a hard-on right now. Before it reached 6 o clock I quickly changed the bedding, figuring Jacob wouldn't be too keen if it hadn't considering who was last on them. After that I just waited anxiously in the kitchen for him to turn up. I switched my phone on but hoped there weren't anymore hurtful messages from Jacob. There was one from Simon though. `You fucking scumbag!' Ah lovely. Guess Jacobs told the family then. I shoved my phone in a draw when I heard someone knock at the door. I couldn't believe it when I opened it to see Jacob. I felt surprisingly hurt too that he'd not just walked in. He still lived here...this was our home. "Why did you knock?" I said sounding quiet and pathetic. He didn't look at me; he was just staring down at the floor. I wanted to cry again. Cry and pull him into a hug. I moved aside and he came in. "I need to get some clothes." He mumbled. "Jacob, look at me." I urged. Please look at me...you're fucking killing me... "No." He whispered, his voice full of pain. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room with me, before sitting him down. He didn't resist or say anything. I sat beside him and tears were already streaming down my face. He looked so fucking broken. "I'm sorry." I whimpered, "I'm so sorry." Jacob started crying too, he was trembling and sounded so hurt. "Why Phil?" He wept, "Why did you do it? Why wasn't I enough for you?" I took hold of his face to make him look at me. "What I did was nothing to do with you." I cried, "You're more than enough for me Jacob, I swear." He pushed my hands away and tried to stand up but I stopped him. I grabbed his arms and pulled him back down onto the sofa. "Jacob -" "I didn't think you'd ever hurt me like this Phil." He sobbed. "I thought we were happy. I tried so hard to make you happy." "You do make me happy. Everyday you make me happy." I wept. "Jacob I wouldn't change you for the world." "Bullshit." He whimpered. "You wouldn't cheat if you were happy." Our sobs calmed down into just tears, and I realised I was still clutching on to Jacobs arms so I slowly released them. "Who was he? How long have you been...seeing him for?" Shit. I obviously saw these kinds of questions coming but I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to tell him that John wasn't the only guy I'd cheated on him with, and I didn't want to mention the gay bar I often went to, which was where I had met John. I had to improvise... "A couple of weeks." I lied. "Who is he? How do you know him?" Jacob said shakily. "We used to go to school together." I uttered sheepishly, "He got in touch asking to go out for a drink...one thing let to another." "Why...why...?" he choked out as more tears came. Making Jacob more and more upset was devastating. I wanted to comfort him, not make him feel worse. "I don't know." I whispered. "Do you love him?" Seriously? "No Jacob, no of course not. I love you and only you. It was just sex with him, nothing else." I could see the pain in his face when I said the word sex. As though it was a reminder of that night, finding me with John... "I need to know something," he asked, his voice trembling. "At Danny's funeral, when you disappeared for half an hour...were you with him?" Well that really fucking hurt. I couldn't believe Jacob would suggest I'd cheat on him at his brother's funeral. Jacob was an absolute mess that day; he was bloody distraught and it was fucking heartbreaking to see. He clung to me all day and I tried my best to comfort him, but there wasn't anything I could do to take the pain away. I did sneak off at one point but it was for a cigarette. It was selfish but I just needed 5 minutes to myself. Seeing Jacob so lost and inconsolable was heart retching. "No Jacob." I said quietly. "Like I said, I've only been in touch with John for a couple of weeks." "John? His name's John?" He sounded so bitter now he had a name to put to the `other man'. I nodded at him before trying to hold his hand. Jacob abruptly pulled away though and stood up, and this time I didn't grab him in time to stop him. "Why did you do it Phil?" He sobbed. "Why did you cheat on me?" "I'm sorry. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you, I love you so much –" "If you loved me you wouldn't have slept with someone else!" He shouted. "Just tell me why you did it please. I need to know what I did wrong." He was sobbing hard now. I hated seeing him like this. It was unbearable, especially knowing it was me that had done this to him. He was pacing around, looking unsure of what to do with himself while roughly running his fingers through his hair as tears poured down his face. I on the other hand was sat on the sofa crying pathetically while watching the love of my life fall apart before me. "You didn't do anything wrong." I whimpered. "It was just sex Jacob. Not even good sex. Not as good as when we –" "Shut up!" He shouted again. "Just tell me why Phil, tell me why you did it. There has to be a reason why you cheated on me! Was I not good enough in bed or something? Or -" "Jacob you're perfect in every way. Trust me when I tell you that you've done nothing wrong, please." "I'm not STUPID Phil! Everyone knows that there's always a reason for cheating, so just tell me!" I surprised myself when I started to feel annoyed with him. Why wouldn't he accept what I was saying to him? That it wasn't his fault, I just cheated because I liked the excitement of it. "I was being selfish Jacob. It was just a fuck, that's it. Nothing else." I told him firmly. "Believe me please." "But why?" He whimpered. "Why didn't you...sleep with me instead?" This was torture. He was clearly in emotional turmoil over the betrayal I'd committed. I had to ask myself why I couldn't answer that question though. Why didn't I just go home to Jacob instead? He was pretty much always up for it. We had sex regularly; most nights and a few times over the weekend, so I was hardly being starved of it at home. But I suppose the excitement wasn't the same...despite how much I adored making love to Jacob. "I should have...I'm sorry." I said tearfully. "Is sex with me boring? Was it better with him?" He wept. "Do you want us to do it the way you did with him? I abruptly stood up, feeling desperate for Jacob to listen to me, and believe me. "No Jacob." I said pleadingly. "I love sex with you, its perfect. I wouldn't change anything about us, I promise. You're everything I could ever need Jacob." "Have sex with me the way you did with him." He bluntly demanded with his shaky, trembling voice. "No Jacob." I said firmly. "Please. I know it's what you want. It'll make you happy, please." "No!" I shouted; feeling increasingly frustrated. I could never be with Jacob the way I am with the other men. I respect and love Jacob. He wasn't some guy to just fuck; he was the love of my life. I cared too much about him to just treat him like a piece of meat. He deserved so much more than that, so much more than to just be shagged meaninglessly. "Why not Phil?" He cried. "Why not if it'll make you happy with me, make you not want to go elsewhere." "I AM happy with you!" I shouted, "I don't want to fuck you the way I do the others! I just want us to go back to how we were!" I quickly calmed down as Jacob suddenly stared at me intensely. He looked both upset and in shock. "Others?" He uttered with disbelief. Fuck. To be continued...