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This story is an original work of fiction ©Copyright 2023 Andrew M. Thomas.
Warning: The following story contains depictions of attempted suicide, which may be triggering or distressing for some readers. Reader discretion is advised.
Resources for Suicide Prevention: If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek help immediately. Here are some resources that can provide support:
Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and you are not alone.
These have been a difficult few days. It's been over a week since we broke the news to the boys and Grayson is still not talking and gets upset every time he sees Max. We hear him grumbling when he sees Max, something about Mr. Hawkins. I really think that he sees Max's dad, instead of Max. I wonder if that's what's got him so upset.
Robert has been a trooper, taking care of Grayson as much as he can. He would make a great dad. At least Grayson is able to eat and do his basic tasks on his own. As long as we keep Max away, things are fine. I'm not sure we can keep the boys together if this keeps up.
We were taking care of Beau and Colt until yesterday when the Hossingers came to take them home. They're going to be the boys' foster parents and that is going to be good for them. I wish we could keep them, but with everything that's been going on, we don't have the time to help Beau properly heal from what's happened to him. It's just not the right time. We can't save every boy, but I'll be damned if we don't try.
Randy is an experienced former rodeo rider, and he's going to teach the boys how to compete. He's taking Beau and Colt, to Cut Bank, Montana, to compete in a rodeo.
Randy is a great guy with a huge heart for children. He's been fostering kids for years, and he and Martha have taken in many children who have had difficult lives. They haven't had a foster for quite a while, but something compelled him to take in Beau and Colt. He's always willing to go the extra mile to help them out. He paid Beau to help with all of the events at their ranch.
The boys are really excited about the rodeo. They're going to be practicing for a few weeks to prepare for the event, and Randy will be working with them to improve their skills and build their confidence before they head out to Cut Bank.
One of Randy's previous fosters, Jack lives in Cut Bank. He's now a dad with three boys. I understand from Randy, that the youngest, AJ, is Beau's age and will be competing in the same events as Beau. That should be fun for the boys.
Grayson is really worrying me. I need him. I feel so lost, but every time I get near him, he mutters out things like "Get away from me Mr. Hawkins." I think he believes I am my dad, but I really don't look anything like him. I love Grayson more than anything, and I couldn't control my dad any more than I can control the sun rising every day. Now that he clocked me and nearly broke my nose, I don't know what to do.
Maybe I should just sneak out tonight and run away. Everyone would be happier if I just left. I wish I had been shot too. I'm sure Grayson wishes I was dead.
I walk out the back door. Andrew asks, "where are you heading? It's going to be dark soon."
I answer, "I just need to get some air. I'm going to sit outside for a bit, if that's alright."
"Sure, just make sure someone else is out there if you decide to go into the pool."
"I will, thanks," I say as I walk out to the patio. Andrew and Ethan have been so nice to us. I sit by the fire pit, watching the sunset in the distance. The sky is awash with shades of pink, orange, and purple, and I can't help but marvel at its beauty. But as much as I try to lose myself in the moment, my mind keeps wandering back to Grayson.
He's been even more distanced since he struck me. I don't know what I've done wrong. It was my dad, not me. It's like he's shutting me out completely, and I can't help but feel hurt by it. I try to tell myself that it's just a phase, that he's probably grieving and confused, but it's hard not to take it personally.
As the sky grows darker, I can't help but feel a sense of loneliness settle over me. It's like I'm sitting here all alone, even though Grayson is just a few feet away inside the house. I try to push the feeling aside, reminding myself that I'm being silly, and that I shouldn't let something like this get to me.
I feel a pang of sadness in my chest, wondering what I've done to deserve this kind of treatment.
I take a deep breath and try to focus on the beauty of the sky once more, but it's hard to ignore the emptiness I feel inside. The sun has set completely now, and the sky is a deep shade of blue.
I wish I could just go inside and try to hug my Grayson again, but he won't let me get close. I wish I could just disappear and make the pain go away.
I wonder if I could just sneak into the pool and drown? I really don't want to feel like this. I walk toward the pool, trying to figure out how I would sneak in without making a noise. Maybe after everyone goes to bed I can come out and drown myself. I would need to find something to weigh me down. I see a propane tank under the outdoor kitchen bar. That should be heavy enough to hold me down. I'll make Grayson happy tonight and disappear from his life.
I see Eric walking out to me. He has a couple of Fanta's in his hand and a blanket. "Hey, buddy, brought you a drink. Mind if I sit by you?" He asks as he wraps the blanket around me.
"It's a free country," I say, with a smart-ass tone.
He ignores my flip comment. "I love this time of night when the sun goes down and it starts to cool down. You can hear how quiet it is and smell the fresh air." He puts his arm around my shoulder. I want to shrug it off, but he has been nice to me ever since we heard the news. He's like a big brother now.
"If you say so," I grunt.
"Max, it's all going to be fine. Grayson just needs some time." Eric gives me the same old bullshit everyone else has given me. He hands me the soda and it's really good. The blanket feels nice, but not as nice as Grayson's arms.
"When? It's been two fucking weeks!" I snap at Eric.
"Maybe you need to take a different approach with him. He seems to grumble when he sees you. Do you know what that's all about?"
"He thinks I'm my dad. But I'm not, and I couldn't do anything to stop him anyway."
"Maybe the answer is to try to hug him again, and apologize," Eric says to me.
"What if he hits me again? I didn't do anything wrong. Why should I apologize?"
"Sometimes people just need to hear that the person that cares for them is sorry, just to reassure them that you understand."
"But I do! My parents are dead too! Nobody fucking gets it!" I get up, grab the blanket, and walk off. Eric doesn't follow me. He just sits there by the fire pit. I walk into the pool house and close the door. There are a couple of chairs in here, so I sit down. I start thinking about what to do. I don't want to die, but feeling like this makes me think everyone would be better off if I were gone.
I took Max a soda thinking it would be a good conversation starter, but apparently, I suck at it. Max didn't want to hear anything I said. He walked off to the pool house, so I take that as a sign that he doesn't want to talk to me. I decide to head into the house for a bit.
After about an hour, I realize Max hasn't returned to the house, so I go to find him. I walk to the pool house, which is dark, and find him asleep on one of the big chairs in there. He's wrapped in the blanket I brought him, so I lean down to pick him up and carry him into the house. He opens his eyes a bit and is still groggy, so I reassure him I'm just taking him inside.
Grayson is sound asleep on the couch, so I take Max into Robert and my bedroom. I really do wish these boys would make up so I can have some time with my boyfriend, but for now, getting these two through this tough time is more important. I tuck him in bed and go out to find Robert.
I see Robert asleep on the couch with Grayson. I walk up to him and gently touch his arm. "Robert, honey, do you want to go to bed with me, or are you staying out here?"
His eyes blink as he looks around, seemingly as if he's not sure where he is. He looks over to Grayson and then to me and says, "I think I'd better stay here."
I lean in and kiss my boyfriend goodnight, and go in to sleep next to Max. I hope he doesn't lash out in his sleep like he has the past few nights. I was afraid I'd have a black eye after last night.
I slowly lift myself up from the bed and take a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. I glance over at Eric, who's snoring lightly, his mouth hanging open. He looks peaceful, completely unaware of what I'm about to do.
Carefully, I tiptoe out of the room, through the great room past Grayson and Robert. I head toward the sliding door, trying to make as little noise as possible. My heart is pounding in my chest, and I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I reach for the door handle and gently slide it open, wincing as the rollers make a swooshing sound.
Grayson stirs at the sound, but he doesn't wake up. I breathe a sigh of relief and slip through the opening, closing the door behind me as quietly as I can. Once I'm outside, I take a moment to look around, making sure that no one else is awake or watching me.
The night air is cool and refreshing, and I take a deep breath, feeling free. Maybe, just maybe, Grayson will forgive me for my father's terrible deed. I walk over to where I saw the propane tank earlier. It's under the counter, so I try to lift it up and pull it out when it drops off the ledge and nearly lands on my bare foot, making a loud clank. I hope that didn't wake Grayson up. I stay still for a bit to make sure I don't see anyone stir in the house.
I don't notice any movement, so I need to figure out my next step. How can I use this as a weight to hold me down? There has to be a way to tie this to me. I search the patio for anything, a rope, a cord, but I don't find anything. I go into the pool house and the only thing I can find there are towels, but they won't tie into a rope very nicely. I see a door on the back side of the pool house. Maybe it's a storage closet and I can find something in there. I try the door, but it's locked. I find a broom, and wedge the handle under the lever handle to try to force the door open, but I just break the broom handle. The door is not going to budge.
I'm starting to get frustrated. Fuck, I can't even do this right. I don't want to live like this. I see a row of robes hanging by the door and tie a couple of the belts together to create a makeshift rope. I think this will work. I go back to the tank. It's heavier than I thought, so I turn it on its side and roll it to the side of the pool. It makes a bit of noise as I do that, but I don't think anyone can hear it. I get into the pool and tie the belts around my waist. I thread the other end through the handles on the top of the tank and pull it in. To my surprise, the fucking thing won't sink all the way to the bottom. Not thinking I yell out, "FUCK!" How is that possible? It's heavy. It should sink. I'll wrap the belts around it and maybe it will hold me deep enough underwater.
Here it goes, Max. This is your last chance. I hold the tank and go underwater. I'm holding my breath. Do I really want to die? Yes, Max, this is it. Life isn't worth living if you're going to be blamed for something you can't control. I exhale. The bubbles float to the surface. I'm starting to black out. I inhale, feeling the cool water fill my lungs as the world goes dark.
I am sleeping on the couch with Robert keeping an eye out for Max's dad. I swear I keep seeing him come after me. I hear a noise outside and I'm worried that he's going to come into the house. Maybe it is just the wind knocking something over. Nevertheless, I can't get back to sleep. I lay there, staring at the ceiling when I hear a splash. I swear I heard someone scream too.
I jump up, run to the sliding door and look out. I can see something bobbing in the pool, but I don't see anyone. I decide to check it out, so I turn on the lights and there I see Max floating in the pool next to a round object. Is his dad here? Did he do this? I slide the door open and run to the pool. I take a deep breath and dive into the water. My heart is pounding in my chest as I swim to Max. His lifeless body is floating in the water.
As I swim toward him, time slows down. It seems like it's taking forever to get to him even though he's only a couple of feet away. I feel a moment of panic as I begin to doubt my ability to reach him in time, but then I touch him. I reach out and grab him, pulling him up close to me. His body is limp and unresponsive, but I refuse to give up. I kick my legs hard and pull him closer to the edge of the pool.
I pull Max's head above the water. I hold onto him tightly, as I reach the edge of the pool. Max is not moving. Robert heard the commotion and comes out as I get Max to the side of the pool. He helps me lift him out of the water and roll Max onto his side. Water comes out of his mouth. Robert takes over and immediately performs rescue breathing and CPR. Suddenly, Max sputters, coughs, and gasps for air. I collapse on the ground next to him, my heart still racing.
I hold my friend trying not to smother him. "Max, I've missed you. Did your dad do this? I keep seeing him."
He whimpers a bit. I think he's still a bit out of it. I just hold him lightly while Robert checks him over. I look up and see Ethan, Eric, and Andrew all there with us. Ethan is watching Robert closely to make sure he's being thorough with Max.
We lift Max to his feet after his breathing got closer to normal. He is still coughing and sputtering a bit. We take him back inside and sit on the couch.
Andrew pulls me aside. "Grayson, Max will need to see a doctor to make sure his lungs are clear. He's also going to need to talk to someone about why he tried this."
"What do you mean? This was his dad that did this. He wants us all dead," I respond.
"No, son, Max's father is dead. Remember?"
"But I keep seeing him. I swear he has been stalking us. He's in the house."
Eric overhears us and comes over. "Max says that you were calling him Mr. Hawkins and thinking he was his dad."
I feel so embarrassed. Was I mistaken? Thinking he was his dad? I remember seeing his dad and punching him. Was that Max the whole time?
I lean over to Max, wrap my arms around him and whisper into his ear, "I'm sorry, Max, don't leave me."
I don't remember everything, but I remember laying by the pool coughing up water with Robert kissing me. I started coughing water from my lungs. I was quite dizzy and didn't remember where I was. When I finally felt them lifting me up to walk, I saw him. Grayson. He was there, with a look of panic on his face. He was shivering and wet. Did I do this? We go inside and sit on the couch. Robert on one side, Grayson on the other. Everyone else is just staring at me. Andrew and Eric are talking to Grayson, but I can't really hear them. My head is still spinning. The next thing I know, Grayson is smothering me with kisses and I can feel his warm tears dripping on my cold chest. He's saying "I'm sorry," over and over.
I start having a coughing fit and Grayson looks terrified. Robert pushes Grayson away and makes me lie on the couch and some additional water comes out as I cough. Ethan is now standing by us fully dressed. Eric is sliding shorts up my legs.
Andrew hands Robert some shorts and a shirt. "Put these on, you're coming with us to the hospital."
Everything seems to be happening so fast, and before I know it, we're heading to the hospital in Ethan's truck. He has his rescue emergency lights on and I see flashes of red reflecting off the side of the road. Grayson isn't with us. It's just Robert, Ethan, and me.
"Where's Grayson?" I ask between coughs.
"He will be coming with Andrew. They have to get Josh up and get dressed. We need to get you in quickly to make sure you don't have any water left in your lungs," Robert says trying to comfort me.
We pull up to the hospital and everyone there knows Ethan. He explains what happened, and they quickly walk us into one of the emergency treatment rooms and put me up on the bed. Everything is happening at once. One nurse is connecting wires to me while another puts a tube up to my nose. It's kind of prickly, but I can hear oxygen coming out of it. The monitors are beeping. They wrap something around my arm and I hear a buzzing sound as my arm gets squeezed. It starts to hurt, then it hisses and releases its grip on me. I don't see Robert or Ethan, just the nurses. A doctor comes in and puts his stethoscope on my chest. It's really cold. He asks me to breathe deeply. Then he sits me up and puts the scope on my back and asks me to breathe and then asks me to cough. He says something about an x-ray to one of the nurses. The room is now starting to calm down. My head is spinning.
"Hey buddy," I hear Ethan say. "You scared us a bit. But you're going to be okay. The doctor is going to have your chest x-rayed."
"Where's Grayson? I want to see him."
"They're on their way. As soon as they arrive, I'll go get him. Robert wants to see you, but they won't let more than one of us come back here, so let me go send him in," Ethan says as he rubs my free arm.
Moments later, Robert comes in. "Hey, buddy, if you wanted a kiss, you should have asked. I would have done that without having to give you mouth-to-mouth." Robert always likes to joke. I laugh but end up in a coughing fit.
Just then a big machine is rolled into my room with a short guy that has blue scrubs on. It says `Radiology' above his pocket. I see his badge, it says `Marco'. I'm scared, I don't know what this machine is. Marco explains that it's an x-ray machine and that he's going to take pictures of my lungs. He asks Robert to leave the room. He places a giant piece of metal under my back and then rolls the machine over me. He puts a heavy pad over my crotch and then tells me that he's going to put one over my head. He says it's lead to protect my important parts. I hear a slight whir, then a click followed by a beep. Marco comes back and removes the lead pads, slides out the metal plate, and then rolls the machine out.
Robert comes back in. "Hi, buddy, I'm going to go wait in the waiting room. I have someone here that really wants to see you."
Grayson comes into the room. He looks like shit. He's been crying. He comes in and leans on me, still crying. I feel his tears puddling up into my belly button.
"Dude, your tears are tickling me. My belly button is full!" I joke with Grayson.
He looks up at me, his bloodshot eyes say it all, but he also whispers, "I'm sorry."
I never lose eye contact with him and respond, "I'm sorry too."
One of the machines starts beeping differently. The nurses run in and push Grayson off of me. They see that he has knocked one of the wires off of me, so they reattach it.
Grayson comes back to hold me. The nurse tells him he can climb on the bed with me on the side away from the machines if he wants to, so he does. We cuddle and eventually I fell asleep with Grayson holding me.
I wake up and I'm disoriented. I'm in the hospital with Max in the same bed. I remember that we came here last night. During the night they moved us to a different room and disconnected a lot of the wires from Max. My memory of the past week is very strange. A nurse walks in and greets me, "Hello my friend. We have breakfast for you boys."
I have to pee, "Where's the bathroom?" I ask.
"Right there, honey." She points to a door at the foot of the bed. I hop down and my morning wood is tenting my shorts and I try to slip in before she sees it. I think she sees it, but she doesn't say anything as she puts on some purple gloves. I unleash a torrent of piss, wash my hands and go back to the room.
Max is awake and the nurse has a bottle that she's holding up to his dick. She is aiming it into the bottle with her other hand. "Go ahead and pee, honey." She says to Max. I hear his piss hit the bottle and when it stops the nurse gently shakes the end of Max's dick and then caps the bottle and hangs it on the side of the bed.
I notice a bag of fluid hanging on a pole with a tube down to Max's arm. The nurse sees me looking at it. "That's his antibiotic to prevent an infection in his lungs."
There are two trays on the rolling table thing and I open the covers to find eggs and pancakes with a small cup of juice. I get back on the bed with Max and press the buttons on the controller to bend the bed up so we can eat.
"You boys will be going home later today. You have some visitors that want to see you." The nurse says as she leaves the room.
Josh and Andrew come into the room. Josh comes over to me and climbs up into my lap. "Are you better now, Grayson?"
"What do you mean? Max is the one that was hurt."
"You were like a zombie for a lotta days. I was worried cause you're my brother now," Josh responds.
"I don't know what happened, Josh, I was just afraid. But I'll be okay."
Andrew piped up, "Josh, let Grayson be for now. When we get home you can challenge him to some video games." That seems to get his mind off of questioning me. Was I really that out of it?
I swear, hospitals have no concept of time. For hours we were told we would be going home shortly. We finally did get to leave and piled into both vehicles to head home. Grayson and Max were snuggled together like the way those boys should be. Josh was sandwiched between the explorers. He seems to be infatuated with them, and now that Beau and Colt are gone he's back to worshiping them. I do hope he lets them have some alone time that they desperately deserve now that Grayson and Max are talking.
The older boys and Josh run out to the pool once we get home. I sit with Max and Grayson on the couch. "Boys, I know you've been through a lot of stress, anxiety, and loss. I've already called a good friend of mine and asked if she would meet with you to help you through this. She helped me when I was your age. Some day I'll tell you more about my story, but for now, you two need to work through some things." The boys look at me and nod. "Max, I know they talked to you in the hospital about what happened, and I want you to know you can come to any of us if you're ever feeling like that. We all love you both and will be there as your support team. Look at what Eric and Robert have done for you. They wouldn't have helped you if they didn't care." I stop talking and let them ask questions. Once they understand what the plan is, I leave them to cuddle on the couch. I doubt they will move for the rest of the day.
I need to find something to keep Josh occupied. Maybe we need to have Jack and Brian over for a play date. I made a mental note to see what Jack was up to tomorrow. It is the weekend so maybe they could come and have some fun. It's getting late, so we have some dinner and everyone retires to bed. Finally, Max and Grayson will share a bed other than the one at the hospital.
Josh, not wanting to be left out, follows Robert and Eric to their room. Robert looks back at me with a plea for help. I take Josh by the hand and I lead him into his bedroom and sit on the edge of his bed, watching his face fall as I explain. "I'm sorry, buddy," I say gently. "But tonight, you have to go to bed by yourself."
His eyes widen in disbelief, and I can see the disappointment written all over his face. He looks up at me, his lower lip trembling, and I know he's about to start crying.
"But why, Dad?" he whimpers. "I want to sleep with Robert and Eric. It's not fair!"
I sigh, feeling a twinge of guilt. I know how much Josh looks up to these boys, and how much he loves sleeping in the same room as them. But tonight, circumstances are different.
"I know, son," I say, ruffling his hair gently. "But they haven't had a night together for a long time. They need to have some alone time. You have to be a big boy and sleep by yourself."
My son's face crumples in disappointment, and I can see the tears welling up in his eyes. "Can I sleep with you and Uncle Ethan?"
"I'm sorry, buddy, we need alone time too," I say, pulling him into a tight hug. "But I promise you'll have just as much fun tomorrow night."
My son sniffles, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. "Okay, Dad, I just want sexy time too," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'll try to sleep by myself."
I smile, knowing that Josh is stronger than he thinks. I tuck him in, kiss him on the forehead, and turn off the light. As I close the door, I can hear him sniffling softly, but I know that he'll be okay. He'll get used to sleeping by himself, and he'll learn to be independent.
As I step out of Josh's room, Ethan was waiting. He grabs me by the crotch and leads me to our room. He pulls me toward the bed. This is a new side of him, but I guess he is in a dominant mood. He pulls me into a kiss and holds me, tonguing, grabbing, and basically molesting me with his hands. He stopped and stepped back, his deep blue eyes met mine, and I could feel him staring into my soul. He just looked, grinned, and he said "I love you so much. I was afraid of what you would think about taking in the boys. I know we hadn't talked about having kids other than Josh, but I think we're going to have fun as a family."
"Of course, I would take them in, Ethan, after all, you took me in, and look how good that worked out. Think about how your childhood was." He had a puzzled look. "Ethan, I know you had a rough childhood. I know you weren't orphaned, but when your dad turned his back on you to focus everything on Lincoln, I know it hurt. You spent the rest of your childhood helping him, trying to get his attention, his love, and affection. I don't want anyone that I love to hurt. I know hurt from my own life. After what we have already been through with these boys and seeing their innocent love for each other, how could I not protect them, damn it, I fell in love with them too. Not like that, but like a parent, although they do have some pretty cute butts and they're going to have some beautiful hardware as they complete puberty."
Ethan shoves me back on the bed, strips off my shorts, grabs my legs, holds them with one hand, grabs the lube with his other hand, and slathers it on his cock, and my ass. With one painful jab, he was in me. I need to teach him how to top properly, but boy is he on tonight. After the initial pain wore off I am in heaven. We make love for at least 45 minutes. I lost count of how many times Ethan's eyes met mine as he mouthed "I love you" over and over. When he cums, I feel it fill my gut. He falls on me as I start shooting uncontrollably. I have to roll over to make sure we aren't glued together all night. Reluctantly he pulls out and we hobble to the shower. I am going to have a hard time walking tomorrow. How do I explain this to the rest of the family?
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