Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2023 20:13:45 -0500
From: Keith Yates <keith.96@att.net>
Subject: Devyn's Struggle 60

This is a fictional story involving sexual acts between two or more men.
If this offends you, why are you here?  If you are under the legal age to
read sexually explicit material then do not read any further.  This story
in no way represents any person living or dead.  Any resemblance to any
real person is purely coincidental. This story is the property of the
author and no copying or posting to any other website is permitted without
the author's written consent.

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and
whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like
administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by
scripture. Thomas Paine

Please help keep Nifty going by making a donation to this important
service.  http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html

Readers Note: This chapter in Devyn's Struggle starts off after Devyn
visits Brent for the second time at the hospital. The events in this
chapter correspond to those in chapter 41 of Brent's Struggle. I've never
written a series like this before so I'll be looking forward to your
comments. You can send them to me at keith.96@att.net. I do not believe
that you have to read Brent's Struggle to follow the storyline but it might
help. You can find Brent's struggle here:

https://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/highschool/brents-struggle/

Now on with Devyn's Struggle.

Devyn's Struggle
Chapter 60

Devyn was silent as he watched the buildings passing by the truck
window. He had not been able to eat any breakfast. His stomach was tied up
in knots. He was feeling as though he would be sick at any moment.

Devyn tried to focus on the positive things in his life. He had Joe, he had
Travis and he had Charlie. Charlie had sent him a few texts this
morning. The last one had said, "I'm thinking of you and wish I was there
to hold you." That had made Devyn brush back a couple of tears. Charlie was
giving him more support than Brent had when Devyn needed it. Of course,
Charlie wasn't facing being outed the way Brent had. How would Charlie
handle that? Would Charlie turn his back on Devyn if they were caught
together? Would he deny their relationship? Would he say he had been forced
into it by Devyn? Those are things Brent had done to him. Devyn understood
that Charlie needed time but Devyn wanted them to be able to be open with
their relationship. He did not want to have to hide his feelings from all
of his friends. Devyn and Brent had tried that and it had not worked well
for them. Joe had tried it with Dan and that relationship also ended up
costing those two men. To Devyn it seemed like being open was the right
course of action. Of course, it had taken him time to get to that
point. Could he deny that time to Charlie? Should he push Charlie to just
be open or at least open with Sam?

As the truck turned the corner, Devyn pushed his musing out of his mind. He
knew that part of his doubts and fear regarding Charlie was coming from
where they were.  Devyn saw the familiar landmarks as they turned onto his
street. His heart skipped a couple of beats as he saw the large tree at the
corner of the neighborhood. Devyn could remember standing under that tree
in the shadows one night and kissing Brent. It had been their first kiss
and it had been after leaving their date with Sue and Tracy. It had felt so
good and so right to kiss Brent.

Then they had spent weeks pushing down those feelings of touching and being
touched by the other one. They had hidden their need to kiss and be kissed
by the other one. They had tried to deny their attraction to each other but
it had not worked. They had both known about their feelings for the other
boy. They had both known on some level that those feelings would not be
repressed forever. The feelings had burst out just before Christmas in
Brent's room. Devyn could remember that kiss and how good being there with
Brent had been. It had felt so right to hold Brent and be held by him. It
had felt right in a way being with Sue had never felt.

"You doing alright, Boy Wonder?" Joe could almost smell the tension rolling
off Devyn.

Devyn licked his lips. The upset stomach feeling was growing worse as they
got closer to his parent's house. "I guess."

"You know the worse thing they can do to you; they have already done." Joe
glanced over at the teenager. He was looking more vulnerable. He looked
younger and scared. It reminded Joe of that kid that he had sat down on the
bench next to in the police station. His heart had gone out to the scared
teenager that day and the love he felt for him had only grown stronger. Joe
was impressed at how Devyn faced his fears. He was impressed by how strong
the teenager's spirit was. The teenager was more mature than many men twice
his age.

Devyn knew what Joe was saying was true. What more could his folks do to
him? It isn't like they could throw him out of his home again. His home was
with Joe and Travis. It was not with Frank and Judy. His family consisted
of Joe, Travis, and his grandmother. Frank and Judy could never touch
them. They could not break those bonds. "You're right, as usual,
Batman. They have done their worst to me."

"And you survived. Hell, you are stronger. They have no idea what they
lost."

Devyn forced a smile at Joe. "Thanks."

Joe pulled the truck into the driveway. He parked and turned off the
truck. "Remember we are here for you. You are not alone."

"I know that." Devyn looked at the familiar house. It looked just as if he
remembered it. He did not feel the warmth that he had at Joe's. He did not
feel like this was home any longer. The yard was as neat as it had always
been. Devyn wondered if Frank was mowing the yard and raking the
leaves. That had been one of his jobs. He had never minded it. He liked the
outside chores back then, just like he liked them now at home on the
farm. He liked them even more now that there were cattle and dogs in the
mix.

Devyn took a deep breath. He let it out slowly. He was going to be fine. He
was going to be better after this.

"You ready?" Joe was concerned about Devyn. He could tell this was a bigger
emotional burden than anticipated.

"Um..." Was he ready? The answer was no, he was not ready but he would
never be completely ready for this. He might as well just do it. He did not
have to enjoy it, he just had to do it. "No, but let's get it over with."

Devyn slid from the truck. He started towards the sidewalk that led to the
front door. It was so odd that this house was where he had lived for the
majority of his life and he felt like a total stranger here. He stopped
when he felt a tug on his shirt. He turned to look at Travis.

Travis knew how hard this was for his brother. Even though Joe and Devyn
had not been signing everything, Travis had picked up some of the words
from reading their lips. He had also felt the tension ever since they had
gotten up this morning. Travis did not know how to sign the feelings that
he was having so he didn't sign anything. He moved closer and threw his
arms around Devyn. He said," Love you." The words were distorted but there
was no doubt about the feeling behind them.

Devyn blinked back tears. He returned Travis' hug. When the hug broke Devyn
managed to sign that he loved Travis too. "Thank you for being the best
brother."

"I'm not. You are." Travis gripped Devyn's hand.

Devyn took another deep breath and blinked back the tears. He gripped
Travis's hand and started towards the front door. He thought he saw a
curtain move but wasn't sure. He wondered if they were being watched from
inside.

He moved to the front door and then he did something he had never had to do
at this house before. He rang the doorbell. Although he was sure he had
seen the curtain move, he could not stop part of him from hoping that no
one would be home.

Time seemed to stretch out. It seemed to take forever for the door to open
but it did. The silence then drew out as he looked into his mother's
face. If he had been expecting his parents to throw their arms around him
and tell him how sorry they were, well, he would have been disappointed.

"Hi," Judy said. The word half caught in her throat. She cleared her throat
and repeated. "Hi."

Devyn tried to speak but could not find his voice. He felt almost as though
he was meeting a stranger. He swallowed again and tried to
speak. "Um...hi."

Judy's eyes flicked from Devyn to Joe and then to Travis. She slowly
stepped back. "Come on in."

Devyn's feet felt glued to the porch. He could not move until he felt Joe's
hand on his back. It was only then that he was able to step through the
door and into the house.

# # # #

The awkwardness seemed to follow them like a cloud from the front porch to
the living room. It settled over them while they took seats. It was obvious
that the cloud was only growing thicker.

Devyn's eyes darted around the living room. Not much had changed. The
furniture was still the same. Everything was neatly in its place. It looked
as though Judy had just finished dusting and vacuuming. He knew that she
had a tendency to clean when she was stressed.

"You are looking well," Judy said. She could not believe how much trouble
she was having forming the words and the thoughts to speak to her
son. "You've gotten taller."

Devyn could not believe this. It felt like he was sitting there across from
a total stranger. It was almost like it was a distant relative that he had
not seen for several years. Maybe he should think of Judy like that. She
was just some aunt that he had not visited in a few years. "Um, I guess."

"I'm glad you are looking so good." Judy's words were coming faster. "You
were much too skinny the last time I saw you." The last time Judy had seen
Devyn had been that day at the police station. Roberta had sent her some
pictures of Devyn. The pictures had shown Devyn looking better than when
Judy had seen him but not as healthy and attractive as he was today.

Joe could almost see the tensions and awkwardness like a darkness
surrounding Devyn and his mother. He wished he could come up with something
to say that would help diminish the growing blackness.

"Well, I wasn't at my best that last time. I had just been roughed up in
the holding cell." Devyn's words were filled with venom.

"Where are my manners," Judy said. She could tell things were going off the
rails. She wanted today to go better. She had wanted something from this
visit. She just was not sure what exactly she wanted. "Would you like
something to drink?" She got up from the chair where she had been
sitting. "I made a coffee cake and I can make a fresh pot of coffee, or I
picked up some soda, we don't really drink it but I thought..." She took a
deep breath as she knew she was starting to sound a bit manic.

"That sounds nice," Joe said. His deep baritone seemed to drive back the
blackness that was growing more dense. "I know Devyn would like some coffee
to go with that cake. If that is what I'm smelling, it seems delicious."

"Sure, I'll be right back." Judy almost darted from the room.

Devyn got up and paced. He did not know how to handle the stress. He turned
and looked at Joe. "Thanks." He had known Joe had jumped in to help reduce
the tension in the room. Devyn then glanced towards where he knew the
kitchen to be. He knew Judy would be able to hear them so he began
signing. "Notice anyone is missing from this fucked up meeting."

Joe glanced at Travis. "Watch the language, even when signing." Joe paused
then and agreed that there was an obvious missing white elephant in the
room.

"He couldn't stand seeing his faggot son again. He couldn't take a few,"
Devyn had started to sign "fucking minutes" but went with, "a few minutes
on a Sunday."

"So, ask her. Maybe there is an obvious reason." Joe could not come up with
one other than the obvious one Devyn had already stated. Maybe it was a
good thing that Frank was not there. Joe might not be able to resist the
urge to pound the man into a bloody pulp and then throw his bleeding body
through the large picture window that looked out over the front lawn.

"Right, sure there is." Devyn knew there was no reason for Frank to not be
there. Maybe Devyn should go drop in on Frank at his office. Would Joe let
them stay one more day? Then on Monday, he could go see Frank at
work. Wouldn't Frank like that? Would Frank like his construction buddies
and employees to see his queer son show up at work? Devyn could play it
up. He could get some makeup from Sue and paint his eyes and lips. He could
do his fingernails. He could really give the whole construction sight
something to talk about for months. Frank's queer son. Hell, he could even
hit on some of the guys.

"I don't know what you are thinking but I'm going to tell you to stop going
that direction." Joe was studying Devyn and could tell that he wanted to
make Frank pay for not being here.

Devyn let out a breath that he had not even known he was holding. Joe was
right. That would only help Frank solidify his opinion of being gay. Frank
would never understand that like straight men, gay men run the gambit of
personalities.

"I know it is hard but you got me and Uncle Joe." Travis was young but he
could feel the bad energy in the room. He did not like this house. It was
not like Uncle Joe's house. He was glad Devyn did not live here and lived
at Uncle Joe's. "We're brothers now. You don't want to live here again do
you?"

Devyn could see some concern in Travis' eyes. Had the boy misunderstood
this meeting? Did he think that Devyn was trying to leave him and Joe?
"No, I don't want to live here." Devyn had never been more certain of
anything than that before. Even if Judy and Frank flung the door open,
dropped to their knees, and begged Devyn to live with them he would not. He
was not leaving Joe and Travis. "My home is with you and Joe."

"I love you." Travis had said those words outside and now he signed them.

"I love you too." Joe could see that Devyn needed to hear that from both of
them.

"Thanks, Batman."

Devyn was signing to Travis when Judy returned to the room with the drinks
and snacks. "That, that's impressive," she said, as she was placing the
tray on the coffee table. "I, um, I didn't know you knew that."

Devyn wanted to tell her that there was a lot about him that she did not
know. She probably only believed what the police reports said about
him. She probably thought he was still a drug-using male prostitute.

Devyn took a breath before speaking. "Everyone seems to think that but if
you set your mind to it and dedicate the time it can be learned." Devyn
continued to sign as he spoke.

"You are so good at it." She was watching his hands signing her words for
Travis. "But then you were always so smart and able to learn new things
easily."

Was that a compliment? Devyn was surprised. Maybe she was
trying. "Um...thanks."

"I'm forgetting my manners again. Please help yourselves to the cake and
coffee. I brought a glass of milk for, um..." Judy's words trailed off as
she did not recall the boy's name.

"I guess we forgot our manners too," Joe said.

"Right, sorry," Devyn said. "This is Joe Erickson, my...um...adoptive Dad."
Did Devyn see a pained look cross Judy's face? She had known that Joe was
adopting him. She had signed off on the paperwork. Both she and Frank
had. "And this is Travis." Devyn was signing so Travis would know what was
being said. "My little brother." Devyn had to add that part because Travis
was his brother and he wanted her to know he had a new family. He had a
better family.

"I, um, didn't realize you had a son," Judy said. She picked up a cup of
coffee and took a sip. She waved her hand at the tray. "Please help
yourselves. I brought sugar and creamer. I wasn't sure what you would want
for your coffee. I also brought soda...I, um wasn't sure how much of a
coffee drinker you might be." Judy's eyes were looking at Devyn.

"Thanks," Devyn said. "I drink both." He had started drinking coffee when
he was living with Tom. Tom did not let him have soda. He had only let
Devyn have black coffee. Tom had not wanted Devyn to gain any weight. He
wanted him to look slender and boyish. Tom had known what the customers
wanted and Devyn needed to look as young as he could.

"Well help yourselves." Judy was focusing on the food as it made this feel
less awkward to her.

Devyn moved back to the sofa and took his seat next to Travis. He picked up
the glass of soda and took a drink. He hoped it would not make him
sick. His stomach was still boiling with stress. He did not touch the food
as he was not sure he would be able to swallow it.

"This is very good," Joe said, after sampling the cake.

"Thank you. It's actually your grandmother's recipe." Judy was looking at
Devyn. "We've been talking more. I don't know how she manages it when she's
on a cruise ship but she does."

"That surprises me too," Devyn said. Roberta had not told him that she was
talking to Judy that often.

"We started talking more after her bout with pneumonia," Judy explained.

"We've been talking about every week...um...for a while." Devyn had started
to say since his arrest and going to live with Joe but decided that did not
really need to be said. "We've gotten closer over the last couple of
years."

"That is good," Judy said. Judy had been talking to Roberta more as she
would sometimes let things slip about Devyn. Judy had not been able to stop
her curiosity about how Devyn was doing.

"Is it?" Devyn could not stop himself from asking. "Do you really want her
talking to me?"

"Well, um, sure she's your grandmother." Judy was glad that Roberta had
been able to continue the relationship with Devyn. It had let Judy know
what was happening in Devyn's life and she had craved knowing he was doing
alright.

"She is and you were supposed to be my mother. That was until you turned
your back on me in a police station." Devyn's words were filled with the
hurt he felt. He bit his lower lip and dug his fingernails into the palm of
his hand. He was willing himself to not tear up. He would not allow her to
see him with tears in his eyes.

"That, that was hard..."

Devyn could not believe his ears. Was she saying it was hard on her? It was
hard on her to turn her back on him. It had looked damn easy to Devyn as he
had watched her turn and follow Frank from the interview room. "On whom!
You? How about me? Did you consider how hard that was on me?"

"Of course, I did," Judy said. She was trying to keep her voice from
getting louder but it was hard. Her emotions were on edge. "I know that you
were struggling but so was I."

"You were struggling?" Devyn's voice cracked with his disbelief at Judy's
words. "What about me? Did you think I was struggling? I had just been
arrested. I had just been put through the wringer and roughed up by some
jerks in holding. Did you consider any of that?"

"I know you find this all hard to understand. Children do not come with a
manual. We don't get a book that tells us what to do when your child does
something wrong."

"I don't think you need a book to tell you to not throw your kid out when
they do something you don't like." Devyn was trying to remain calm but
could not stop his voice from growing louder. "It seems damn simple to
me. You help your kid. You don't turn your back on them when they need
you."

Judy closed her eyes. She wanted to find the correct words to help Devyn
understand how she and Frank felt. "The whole situation was hard on all of
us. We should have handled things differently."

"You think?" Devyn's voice was incredulous. "Kicking your kid out should
have never been an option but you jumped to it right away."

"Your father made that decision." Judy felt a stab of pain in her stomach
as she remembered how hard that night had been when Frank had again told
Devyn to leave.

"You did not seem to have a problem with it. I don't remember you uttering
a word of opposition to Frank tossing me out. Speaking of Frank, just where
is he?" Devyn had wanted to ask that earlier but had restrained himself. He
thought maybe it would be easier to deal with his mother without Frank.

"He had to go to work," Judy explained.

"Sure, he did." Devyn's voice did not cover his disbelief. There was no
doubt that he did not believe Judy.

"I know you don't quite believe that your father had to work..."

Devyn held up a hand to stop Judy, "Stop right there." Devyn's words cut
across Judy's. "Let's get something straight. Frank is not my father. At
most, he's a sperm donor."

Judy winced at the venom in Devyn's words. She could tell that the teenager
was hurting. "You don't understand how disturbing it was to walk into that
room and find you and that boy...doing...doing that."

"Having sex," Devyn said. "We were just having sex. It wasn't like we were
torturing small animals. Of course, Frank might have preferred that we
were."

"He probably would have." Judy's voice was soft. "He cannot understand how
you could allow someone to do that to you. He doesn't understand choosing
to be, to be..." Judy's voice caught but she pushed on. "Choosing to be
gay."

"It isn't a choice." Joe's voice was firm. It seemed to startle Judy. She
had almost forgotten that Joe and Travis were there. "Being gay is not
something Devyn chose. It is just how he is."

"It is hard to understand that." Judy had turned her attention to Joe. "I
am sure you think we are horrible parents."

"Actually, I do not entirely believe that. Devyn is an amazing young
man. He is smart, caring, and kind. He's one of the strongest people I
know. He had to have learned that from his parents."

Judy looked down at her clasped hands. Her knuckles were white. She had not
realized she had been holding them so tight. She relaxed her grip before
speaking. "Actually, I'm not sure he did. He was always an easy child. We
never had to deal with the terrible twos or any of the other issues that
some of my friends were forced to face with their children. Up until that
day, we found him with the other boy, there were never any real problems."

"So, I'm a good kid right up to the point I don't turn out to be
straight. I'm gay so then it's out the door with the unwanted child."

"Never unwanted," Judy said. "It was just a shock. If we hadn't found you
like, like that."

Devyn looked down at the floor before looking back at Judy. He did wish he
had not been found having sex with Brent. It could have made things easier
for all of them. Devyn's voice was a little more calm when he began
speaking again. "I do wish you had not found us like that. I wish I had
been able to just tell you that I was gay."

"I think that might have made it easier for us to accept. If given time, we
might have been able to cope with your choice."

"Like Joe said, it isn't a choice. I tried to deny it. Brent and I fought
our feelings for a long time. We just couldn't. We loved each other."

The silence in the room drug out. "I believe you honestly think that you
two loved each other but you were both so young. You had not experienced
the other side."

Devyn could not stop the scoff of disbelief. "Well, actually I have. I mean
experienced the other side. I've tried being with a girl but it doesn't
work for me. I'm gay," Devyn looked from Judy over at Joe and Travis, "and
I wouldn't change that if I could." Devyn used the words that he remembered
Matt saying. For Devyn, that conversation with Matt seemed like a lifetime
ago. It did feel like it had been with a different person. He had changed
so much from that uncertain kid at the construction site that was trying to
understand the feelings he was having for Brent.

Judy could see how much Devyn cared for the boy and man sitting on the
sofa. She could almost see the cords that tied them to each other. "I see
that you have found people that care for you. I'm glad you did."

"This family is better than the one I was born into. They won't turn their
back on me when I need them." Devyn slid his arm around Travis and held the
younger boy to his side. "They love me for who I am."

Judy almost physically flinched at Devyn's words. She looked down at her
hands again. Then back up at Devyn. "We probably deserve the anger you
feel..."

"There is no probably about it. " Devyn's words were cut off when Joe
placed a comforting hand on Devyn's shoulder. He gave the teenager a quick
squeeze. It was just a reminder to not be too cruel with his words. Devyn
took a breath.

"We do. Frank has some very...ah...well extreme ideas regarding men and
women. I guess I do too but well I've been trying to adjust my
thinking. Maybe if I hadn't walked in and saw..." Judy closed her eyes. The
image of Devyn and Brent having anal sex was still burned into her
mind. "Well, if I hadn't seen that, then maybe I'd have been able to adjust
my thinking. If you had just come to me..."

Again, Devyn wondered if that would have changed anything. If he had gone
to his mom and said, "Hey Mom, I think I'm gay." Would that have changed
things? "What would you have done? I mean if I came to you and said I was
gay. Would you have stood with me against Frank?"

Judy glanced over at the wall where her and Frank's wedding picture was
hanging. "I don't know. I don't think Frank will change his thinking." She
then turned back to look at Devyn. She swallowed before speaking. "Like I
said, Frank has some extreme ideas, probably more than you understand. Did
you ever wonder why I didn't have a job?"

Devyn had never considered that his mom might want a job. She had always
been a stay-at-home mother. "Um, I just assumed that was what you liked. I
mean being, um, a housewife." When Devyn said it, it made it sound like
something from an old black-and-white television show.

"Before getting married, I was a legal secretary. I was actually
considering becoming a lawyer. Then I met Frank. He was so handsome and
dashing. I fell completely head over heels for him. He believed the woman
should stay at home and take care of his castle. We argued about that. I
liked working. I liked the idea of going to school and becoming a
lawyer. Your grandparents were totally behind me. Your grandmother,
Roberta, thought our marriage was doomed. What was actually doomed was my
career. When I found out I was pregnant I decided to listen to Frank and
stay home and take care of the baby."

"So, you gave up your career for me?" Devyn wondered if Judy was trying to
make him feel guilty for her not having a career.

Judy's eyes were sad when she met Devyn's. "No, for Frank Junior."

Devyn felt like he had been punched. "Wha...what?" Was she saying he had a
brother? Did he have an older brother? This did not make sense.

"You were not our first child." Judy swallowed again. After all of these
years, she still felt like a large piece of her heart had been torn
away. "Frank was a fussy baby. He required constant attention and cried a
lot. It felt like it was constant. But despite all of that, we loved
him. Then, the accident and he was gone. In the blink of an eye, our baby
was gone."

Devyn could not believe this. He had never known any of this. "But you
never told me any of this. You never mentioned him. Why?"

"It was too hard. It hurt too much. I was depressed for months and barely
got out of bed. Frank stood by me though. He was loving and patient. It
took us a long time to get past the loss. I no longer wanted to work. I no
longer wanted to go back to school. A part of me died with Frankie. I might
not have recovered but I found out I was pregnant again. This time with
you." She looked at Devyn and there was more than just warmth in her brown
eyes. There was a deep love there. "Even my pregnancy was easier with
you. Everything was easy. You were an easy baby. You never cried unless you
were hungry or needed changing. It was almost like the universe was making
up for a hard time with Frank by making this second child easy."

Devyn's mind was reeling. He could not comprehend what Judy was telling
him. She had given up her aspirations to be an attorney for his older
brother. The brother he had never known about and could never meet. He did
not know how he could feel like he had lost something that he had never had
but yet he did. "I often wanted a little brother. I never considered that
an older brother was ever a possibility." Devyn hugged Travis tighter to
his side. He felt Joe once again place a comforting hand on him.

"It looks like you found a little brother." Judy could see the deep
connection between her son and the boy sitting next to him. "I'm glad you
have that."

"This was not what I was expecting to learn today." Nothing on this trip
was turning out to be what Devyn had expected. He had just learned that
there was this whole other part of his family that he had never known
about. It was almost as much of a world-changing event for him as finding
Brent with Matt and Bryan. "It is almost too much."

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I started telling you all of that." Judy got
up and nervously started pacing. "I've never talked about Frankie before. I
mean I have with Roberta and some with Frank but not in years. It was
easier to try and not think about it. It was easier to put all my focus on
you." She stopped and looked at the sofa where Devyn was sitting with
Travis and Joe.

"I understand some of the shock at finding me and Brent like you did. But
that day in the police station, you just turned away from me. You left me."
Devyn's voice cracked. He could feel the tears. He could feel those
feelings of abandonment wheeling up from deep inside. He had thought those
feelings had been buried but they were forcing their way back up. "It was
cold. It, it was wrong." Devyn blinked and tried to stop the tears but a
couple of them escaped. With his thumb, he quickly wiped them away.

Judy wished she could explain it to her son but she was not sure she had
ever been able to fully explain it to herself. "Your father and I..." Judy
saw the look of anger on Devyn's face. She corrected her words. "I should
have said Frank and I. After we walked in on you and that boy..."

"That boy has a name. Brent was my best friend. Hell, he was here just as
much as he was at his own house."

"You aren't making this easy." Judy could see the hurt in Devyn's eyes and
a part of her knew his anger and hurt was justified.

"Make it easy on you? Why the hell should I? You didn't make anything easy
on me. You threw me away. You kicked me out and didn't look back." Devyn
could feel the anger re-emerging. He was glad of that. He wanted to be
angry. He did not want the feelings of hurt and loss to cause him to tear
up again.

"That's not true. Frank and I disagreed. I should have stood up for you
that day we found you with Brent. I should have stopped Frank then but I
was shocked and...and well honestly found it...what you two were doing
revolting."

"Revolting! Seeing us was revolting to you." Joe placed a hand on Devyn to
encourage him to calm down a bit.

"How would you feel if you walked in on me and your...I mean me and Frank?"
Judy was not sure how to convey what she had felt that day.

Devyn had to admit that he definitely would have never wanted to see Judy
and Frank having sex. "It would have been embarrassing but I hope I
wouldn't find it revolting."

"Maybe that is too strong of a word. It was just a shock. You never acted
like that. You were dating and well acting..." Judy had started to say
normal but knew that was not the right word. "Acting like the average boy."

"So, since I was acting, like the average boy," Devyn placed extra emphasis
on those words, "if it had been me and Sue in my bed having sex, would that
have been easier?"

Judy knew the answer. She would have been embarrassed and disappointed at
finding her teenage son having sex but it would have been easier to accept
if it was with a girl. "You were truly much too young to be having sex at
all." Judy paused trying to push the image of Devyn and Brent once again
out of her mind. "But honestly it would have been easier finding you with a
girl."

"Yeah, I bet dear old Frank would have loved it. He'd been able to brag to
his buddies that his son was a stud." Devyn's words were dripping with
venom.

"Let's not get off target here." Joe's voice was deep and seemed to be a
calming balm to both Devyn and Judy.

"You're right," Judy said. "After I had time to process it, I told Frank we
needed to go find you. We had quite an argument about it. I was hoping you
would show back up like you had that first night. I vowed if you did, that
I'd force Frank to let you stay. I had decided that we could all go to get
counseling."

After that first night, Devyn had never considered trying to come back. He
had seen the look of disgust on both Frank and Judy's face. He had never
wanted to see that again. "I did come back. I slept in the garage for a
while."

"I knew you had taken some camping stuff. Frank had seen it was
missing. That was when he changed the lock on the garage. I hid one of the
new keys by the garage...I think it is still there...so you could get in if
you came back."

"You also continued to put money on my lunch card?" Devyn could remember
wondering if Judy had added funds to his lunch card out of habit or because
a part of her cared for him.

Judy nodded. "I added extra so you could get enough to eat. I also hid some
money in the camping gear and hoped you would find it. You didn't though. I
checked."

"So why didn't you come looking for me? If you actually wanted me to come
back." Devyn still felt a little skeptical at Judy's words. If she had
truly wanted him back, then she could have made more of an effort.

"Frank and I were arguing every day about you and bringing you home. He was
not budging on believing you were...um...sick. He did not believe we could
help you."

"You mean fix me. Make me straight?"

Judy nodded. "Time went by and I did start to look for you. I was talking
to your grandmother about everything. She thought I should leave Frank. I
was thinking about it but was afraid. She came for a visit and I think to
push me to leave Frank and find you. She was going to hire a P.I. to find
you. We knew you were not in school any longer."

Devyn was trying to wrap his mind around what Judy was telling him. He had
never considered that she might still care but from what she was saying she
had. "So, if you were feeling guilty and wanted me back, then why did you
walk away from me." Devyn could still see Judy turning his back on him at
the police station. He could still hear her words when Roberta had
questioned her. "He's my husband." It told Devyn that she did not care a
lick about him.

"When that nice officer had called and told us you had been arrested,
Roberta and I were excited that you had been found. She told us that you
had been arrested for possession of drugs. I was shocked but Roberta
convinced me we had to go get you. It took both of us to convince Frank."

"So, you showed up and then turned your back on me?" Devyn could not keep
the hurt out of his voice.

When we read the reports about the...ah...the..." Judy did not want to
think about what they had learned about Devyn and all of the reasons for
his arrest.

"The drugs...no it wasn't the drug abuse that troubled you." Devyn knew
exactly what parts of the arrest bothered Frank and Judy. "It was the
prostitution."

Judy nodded her head. She could not stop the image of Devyn on the bed with
Brent popping into her mind's eye. She could not stop from seeing him doing
that with other men.

"You and Frank couldn't deal with the fact that your son was a male
whore. It didn't matter that I had been pushed into it. It wasn't a factor
that Tom had manipulated me, drugged me, and blackmailed me into being a
boy toy for rich men. You should at least take some comfort that your son
wasn't just a common male whore. I was a high-priced male prostitute. I had
class. Tom was making a fortune off my ass."

The color seemed to drain from Judy's face. She did not know how to respond
to Devyn. She had been trying not to think about what he had done but
Devyn's words were causing her stomach to swirl with acid.

"Hell, take pride that I was FUCKED by a congressman, a movie star, a
judge, and a couple of millionaires. Hell, I think Paul was a fucking
billionaire."

Joe placed a hand on Devyn's shoulder. "Watch the language please."

Devyn stood. "Fuck the language. She fucking couldn't stand to think of her
son being fucked in the ass by men. It doesn't matter how I got there. It
doesn't matter that SHE," Devyn pointed at Judy. His voice was growing
louder. "She and Frank pushed me in that direction. They turned their back
on me before I ended up in the police station. That is how I ended up
meeting up with Tom. Because YOU kicked me out. Because YOU couldn't stand
having a queer for a son."

"Devyn. We just didn't..."

"Didn't what?" Devyn's words and anger rode over Judy. "Didn't care
enough. You didn't think I was good enough. You didn't love me enough."
Devyn's voice cracked on the last words. He could feel the tears starting
to form again. He refused to cry. He was not going to do that. He closed
his eyes and fought back the tears.

"I was wrong. I just couldn't understand. I couldn't understand why you
would want to be, be, be like that."

"Gay, the word is gay. Yeah, I didn't want to be that way. I hated myself
for being that way. I hated it. That's why when Tom pushed drugs at me, I
took them. Part of me was hoping to die. Part of me wanted to just forget
and the drugs did that for me. It let me forget I was selling my ass to
perverts. If you think what you read in those reports made you sick...well
you should hear what I left out." Devyn had to take a deep breath. He knew
his voice had been getting louder and louder. He had to calm down. He did
not want to fall apart here. He knew he was close to that. His voice was
softer when he began speaking again. "The fact is, now I wouldn't change
it." Devyn moved back to Joe and Travis. "I know where I belong. I know who
my true family is and it ain't you." Devyn gestured towards Travis. "He's
my brother. I lost you but I got him and that is fucking one hell of a good
deal." Devyn then placed a hand on Joe's broad shoulder. "Plus, I got my
Bruce Wayne." Devyn's lips curved up into a smile. The smile did not,
however, reach his eyes. "The truth is I lost this pitiful excuse of a
family that I was born into for the family I was always meant to belong
to. The three of us have more than I would have ever had in this fucked up
house."

Judy's eyes were brimming with tears. They slid down her cheeks. "I'm
sorry. I'm sorry I failed you." Every one of Devyn's words had felt like a
punch in Judy's guts. She knew she had not done right by her son and she
knew the words were not enough.

Devyn could see the tears on Judy's cheeks. It made him feel a little
guilty for what he had said. He had wanted her to hurt on some level but
now that he was seeing it, it only made him feel worse. "I wish it was that
easy to fix this...but it's not."

"The hurt runs deep," Joe said. "Time can heal most wounds but not all."

Judy looked up at Joe. She dabbed at her eyes. "I know that." She did not
think there was anything that would be able to bridge the gulf between her
and her son.

"Devyn, however, is extraordinary. With some time, I think he can
forgive..."

"I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure she can ever get passed the fact that I
like sex with men." Devyn's words were blunt and he did not hang his head
in shame as he had in the past.

"When you were born, I had some big plans for you. It seemed like the
possibilities were endless..." Judy's words were cut off by Devyn.

"Oh, and the fact that I'm gay means those plans are dead. Kind of like you
are telling everyone that I'm dead."

"You...you heard of that." Judy had never wanted Devyn to know about that.

"Yeah, better a dead son than a queer son." Devyn could not stop the anger
from showing through. He decided better the anger than the hurt.

"Frank started that. I, I didn't even know it until Linda Watson came over
to...um...express her sympathy."

"I'm sure she was ecstatic that the pervert that manipulated her son was
dead." Devyn could remember all too well the anger from Richard and the way
Brent had turned on him. Somehow Richard and Linda had convinced Brent that
he had been manipulated.

"She seemed to be honestly hurting." Judy could still remember the sympathy
in Linda's eyes when she came over. Her words seemed sincere when she was
expressing her condolences. "I don't understand the manipulation."

"That was the crap Brent told me the last time we spoke. Well spoke before
yesterday."

"You manipulated him?" Judy was confused by Devyn's words. Judy could not
help but wonder if what Richard Watson had told Frank about Devyn forcing
Brent had been true. "Did you push him into...into having..." Judy had to
swallow down the bile that rose at the thought of Devyn forcing Brent to
have sex.

"Fuck no!" Devyn's words were loud in the living room. "I did not force
Brent into anything. You honestly are always going to think the worst of
me." Devyn shook his head. A relationship with Judy seemed to be hopeless
to him.

"Language," Joe admonished.

"That was just the...um...crap his folks and some crazy doctor had him
thinking. I never did anything to Brent but love him." Devyn's words caught
on those last words. He had loved Brent. He knew that then. He just could
not figure out how he felt for Brent now. Brent had been confused by his
parents and some quack of a doctor. It was not all Brent's fault. It wasn't
any more Brent's fault than Devyn's fault that he had ended up being a
teenage prostitute for Tom.

"I'm sorry," Judy said. "I should have never thought that about you. I saw
you and Brent together and knew how close you two had become in that short
time. I just never guessed that it was...ah..."

"A romantic kind of relationship." Devyn's voice was more calm now.

"Right. That never occurred to me. Neither of you seemed...ah...like that."

"The word is gay," Devyn said. "It isn't a bad word."

"Gay men are not always how they are portrayed on television or in the
media." Joe's voice was calm but firm. "We run the gambit just like
straight men."

Judy looked from Devyn to Joe. She had never considered that this large
attractive man was also gay. Now she wondered just what Joe's relationship
with Devyn was. Was this man also using her son for sex?

"Oh, and now that you know Joe is gay, you are wondering what kind of
sexual shit we're doing."

"I wasn't..."

"It was written all over your face." Once again Devyn had proof that Judy
was always going to assume he was some sort of sexual pervert.

Judy looked down. Devyn was correct. She had instantly assumed that the
relationship was sexual.

"If you had known that Joe was gay, would you have signed off on those
adoption papers?" Devyn hoped there was nothing that Judy could do to screw
up his new status.

"I, um, well...No, I wouldn't have...I mean I'd have signed them. Roberta
told me what kind of man Joe was and how happy you were with him."

"You do not need to worry about us having sex. Our relationship is not like
that." Devyn did not want Judy to think that Joe was like the men he had
serviced for Tom. "He's nothing like the congressman or the judge."

Devyn let the silence draw out. He could see Judy was feeling uncomfortable
and part of him was glad about that. Part of him wanted to hurt her. Maybe
it was time for this visit to end before he said something that would make
things worse for all of them.

It was quiet in the living room for several long moments. Then Judy broke
the silence. "I'm glad you made the time to come over." She could feel that
it was time they ended this first visit. She just did not want it to be
their last visit.

"I think it was good for all of us," Joe supplied when Devyn remained
silent.

"I hope it was," Judy said. "Maybe, ah, sometime in the future we could
visit again?"

Devyn wondered if that was hope in her voice. Did Judy truly want some kind
of relationship with him? "Would that include Frank?"

"Ah, well, am, I don't know." Judy did know. It mostly would not include
her husband. "Probably not."

"He's never going to be able to deal with me being gay." Devyn was not
asking a question but making a statement.

"I don't think he will. I'm sorry for that." Judy sounded sincere in her
words.

"He does not know what he is losing," Joe said.

"I don't think either of us realized what we would lose," Judy said. Judy
knew she had lost a piece of her heart the day they had found Devyn and
Brent together.

Devyn rose from his place on the sofa. "I do still want to go by the
hospital and see Brent and we have a long drive home."

"Brent's in the hospital?" Judy's voice did sound concerned.

"Yes, there was an accident a few days ago. He needed emergency
surgery. He's doing alright and will hopefully go home this week."

"Just a few days ago? That's odd as I have not seen him around in months."

"His folks couldn't stomach a queer for a son. He's living somewhere else
now. Like me, he found a new family." Devyn almost added a better family
but decided that he did not really need to state it. It was obvious from
what he had said earlier.

"I'm glad he will be alright." Judy's voice did sound sincere.

"We should be going," Devyn said. He wanted to end this meeting. He needed
time to deal with the flood of emotions.

Judy rose from her chair. "I am glad you came by. I do hope you will
again."

Devyn was torn. He both never wanted to go through this awkwardness again
but there was still some stupid part of him that wanted a relationship with
this woman. "It is a long way."

"I know but if you can..."

"I'm sure we can find the time," Joe said. He wanted Devyn to have some
sort of relationship with his mother. It seemed to him that she was trying
to expand her acceptance.

"Thank you," Judy said. Her eyes met Joe's. She still found it hard to
understand what this man's relationship was with her son but she could not
deny the warmth and kindness in his vivid blue eyes.

Devyn shot Joe a what the hell look. "Maybe."

"Just think about it," Judy said.

"Sure, um, thanks for...um..." Devyn was not sure what to thank her
for. Was it for the snacks? Was it for her trying to understand him?

"Before you go, I, um, saved um some stuff for you. I mean from your
room..." Judy took a breath. "I wasn't sure if you would want it but I, I
couldn't just..." Her words trailed off. Frank had wanted to throw it all
out. But Judy had packed up all of Devyn's belongings so Frank would not
toss them into a dumpster. "The clothes probably won't fit. You got taller
and filled out some."

Devyn was not sure what he would want from the old stuff. He probably would
not want any of it. There was a part of him that wanted to tell her exactly
where she could put the stuff. Devyn's lips parted to tell her but he got a
slight nod from Joe. Devyn stopped and let out a breath. It was as if Joe
had read his mind and was telling him to be gracious. "Um, thanks."

They followed Judy into the garage. There was a stack of plastic bins. "It
is all here," Judy said, indicating the bins. "There are pictures and some
school stuff and..."

"It was good of you to pack it all up for him," Joe said.

"Like I said, the clothes aren't going to fit but maybe they will fit
Travis." Judy looked from Devyn to the younger boy. He was still probably a
little too small for them. "He might need to grow a bit yet."

"He will do that," Joe said. "He's been growing like a weed."

"Boys do seem to do that," Judy said.

It did not take long to transfer the bins from the garage into the back of
Joe's truck. Devyn guessed he should try and have some gratitude for Judy
having cared enough to save his stuff from a dumpster. He just wasn't sure
he had that in him.

"Thanks for...um...saving this stuff for me." Devyn was standing next to
the truck. Joe was busy strapping in the boxes with bungies that he kept in
the truck for this purpose. Travis had already climbed into the cab.

"There are some other things in the house that you might want some
time. There are some family pictures and stuff. I didn't know how you would
feel about that sort of stuff."

Devyn looked down at the ground. He bit his lip. Then he looked back at
Judy. "Maybe when I come back we could look at the pictures and see..."

"I'd like that."

"You could...um...visit the farm, you know."

"I might like that too." Judy felt as though a hand was squeezing her
heart.

Devyn saw Joe finish strapping in the bins. "Well..."

Judy could not believe how awkward she was feeling. Her only child was
getting ready to leave again and she did not want him to go. She wanted him
to be that boy she remembered. She wanted him to be that innocent kid that
did not know anything about same-sex relationships.

"We gotta go," Devyn said.

Judy stepped closer. She wasn't sure how Devyn would feel about a hug. The
last time she had hugged him was when she and Frank left for that weekend
trip. "Bye."

Devyn had thought she was going to try and hug him but she had stopped. He
was not sure how he would feel about that. "Bye." He moved towards the
passenger side door.

"Devyn." Judy moved closer to him again.

Devyn paused with his hand on the door handle of the truck. He turned
towards Judy.

Judy reached out and touched Devyn's upper arm. "I'm glad we could see each
other."

"Yeah," Devyn said. He was not sure what exactly he should say. He closed
his eyes.

Judy started to pull her hand away and then forced herself to overcome her
feeling of awkwardness. She pulled Devyn into a brief hug.

Devyn was surprised by the force of Judy's hug. He felt his eyes burning
with unshed tears. "Um..."

"Soon please," she said.

"I, um, will try." Devyn quickly moved into the cab of the truck. He needed
to get out of there before he lost control of the storm of emotions.

Judy watched the truck as it backed out of the driveway and then moved down
the street. She blinked back tears. She had known today was going to be
hard. She had not realized exactly how hard or how much of a strangle on
her heart it would be. She started towards the house and then paused. She
looked across the street and then moved in that direction. She paused at
the front door. She had seen workmen replacing the front door months
ago. She rang the bell and waited.

The door was opened and there was no doubt there was a look of surprise on
the woman's face.

"Can we talk?" Judy said.

"Yes." Linda Watson stepped back allowing Judy to come in.

# # # #

Copyright 2023 by Keith yates (keith.96@att.net) all rights reserved.

Character is much easier kept than recovered. Thomas Paine

A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial
appearance of being right.

Thomas Paine