It is a small notebook, with its cover in beige fabric and its pages finely squared in very light blue, closed by a small elastic band, also beige.
It is Dad's diary, but it went only from September 4, 1990 to April 14, 1991. I don't know why he felt the need to write it, as there are no prior or later diaries among his papers. Maybe he wanted to see what he was feeling in that period of his life more clearly by writing this diary.
I found it a couple of weeks ago while I was organizing his papers to decide what to keep and what to throw away. Reading it allowed me to know Dad more intimately, although sadly it's too late. It also awakened a thousand thoughts and memories inside me. Therefore I decided to write them down before they vanish again. And here they are, along with the transcriptions of his short but intense diary, my reflections and my memories. I dedicate these pages to you, Silvio, as you are the only other person who really knew him. You also appeared in these pages. So, like me, you will also learn to know him better, to understand him better, and to love him deep in your heart, as he can only survive in our memories, in our hearts now.
9/4/1990, Thursday
Saint Charles
I am courting three boys at the same time!
The first boy's name is Livio Ferrero. He is nineteen years old and he is a senior in high school. I first met him on July 8, a Tuesday. He is one of my students in the elective painting class.
The second is Orlando (I still don't know his last name) and he is twenty-six years old. He is a friend of Gianni, the young man I met through an ad. Gianni introduced me to him on Thursday, August 28. We spent that entire evening together, all three of us, and Orlando invited us to dinner. It was a really pleasant evening.
The third one is Nuccio (and I don't know his last name either). He is twenty-two years old and is a factory worker. I met him at the 'Pink Triangle' on August 30, around 9:30 p.m.
Livio is not gay -- I know he is dating a classmate, and he showed me her picture. Livio is a really handsome boy, with a luminous and sweet smile. He is talented. He studies painting and drawing with real commitment and he is very likeable. So, I invited him to come to my place to see my paintings. He accepted it at once, with evident pleasure.
He came on Thursday, August 7, at 10 a.m. We started to look at my works, paintings and sculptures. It was a really hot day. We both were sweating, so I suggested that he undress a little. He immediately agreed. He took off everything but his jeans. A beautiful body -- he plays volleyball and it's evident he plays sports. But he was still sweating. His jeans were drenched, especially around his waist and hip, so I suggested that he take them off also. He took them off without any hesitation, and stood in his boxers. He was still sweating profusely, so I took a damp towel and told him to lie down on the bench so that I could give him a cold rub to help him cool down. Contrary to what I had thought, he again accepted it and thanked me. He lay down on the bench and I, kneeling near him, started to rub his nice chest, his arms, his sides, his belly, and his thighs. Meanwhile, I lightly brushed my forearm, seemingly accidentally, on his dick, which became a little turgid under his boxers. So I rubbed his belly again and little by little, I pulled down his boxers, until I saw his dick (beautiful!) and touched it with the damp towel. Just at that point he reacted -- he pulled up his boxers saying he was ashamed.
I was really excited and almost wanted to force him to let me do it, to touch it with my hand, possibly even to suck it, to embrace him, to hold him... but I didn't. I don't like to force anyone; I don't feel it's right. He sat up saying that he felt fine now, and thanked me with a smile. So, I told him he had nothing to be ashamed of -- after all we both are men and friends. Then I added that when he took his shower in the school gym he must have been stark naked in front of everybody. But he answered with a smile that in that case he was not ashamed because everyone was naked, and moreover they were all more or less the same age.
After a while, he was sweating again, so I convinced him to let me rub him again. Oddly, he accepted it. This time I didn't pull down his boxers, but I lightly brushed his dick again with my forearm, and his dick became turgid again. Then he made me stop, saying that it was good enough.
But he was gentle and smiling like before, as if nothing had happened. Later, we took a long walk and we chatted for a long time about his studies. I proposed that he come to my studio to study painting, for free, and he seemed interested. Then he asked me what my dreams were, and told me about his own. At a certain point I told him I wanted to become his friend, and to call each other by our first names, and he agreed at once. My God, how I wanted to kiss him at that moment!
On August 28 he came to my place again, and I taught him some techniques of painting. Again, he undressed and remained in just his boxers, and I saw him half naked, but I didn't touch him this time. I wanted him to become more comfortable with me before trying anything again. I really like him very much. And he will come back here again later this month to paint in my studio. I don't know if I will ever be able to make love with him, but even if I never could, I would still like to teach him painting. He is a boy deserving my help. I really like his character, and physically he attracts me very much. Well, the fact that he striped to his boxers so easily gives me hope. I think he clearly understood my desires for him.
Orlando, on the contrary, is gay. He became aware of that just a year ago. I think he is the lover of some guy named Willy, who has got to be an Englishman in his sixties. Orlando is a really sweet youth, not really beautiful, but very nice and cheerful. I really like his smile, and his body, which is slender but not thin.
Gianni told me that he wanted to introduce me to one of his friends, and we made arrangements to meet in front of the Lux cinema. While I was waiting for them, I asked myself what type of guy this Orlando could be. Then I saw a young man among the crowd and I thought "Wow, if only that guy were Gianni's friend!" He was a slender and sexy youth, wearing black trousers, a black undershirt, very tight and low-necked, and a vest, also black. He had beautiful arms, a nice hairless and well-defined chest, and above all, an interesting face.
At first I didn't notice Gianni at his side, but he was really Orlando! After walking and chatting for a while, we went to a restaurant. While Gianni was in the restroom, I took the opportunity to tell Orlando that I liked him very much and that I had hoped that he was the one whom I was waiting to meet when I first saw him. He slightly blushed and thanked me. Orlando was really kind and very much attentive towards me. We spent five wonderful hours together. I wanted to see him again, so I invited them to come to my place to see my paintings. They accepted my invitation. Then I gave Orlando my telephone number saying that he could warn me if he wasn't able to come at the last moment. He didn't give me his number (as I had hoped).
Nevertheless, on the following morning at 8:30, Orlando called to tell me that he had a really great evening with me. He gave me his phone number, and confirmed that he would come with Gianni to see me. So, they came today with two friends, two girls. Orlando arrived with a planter of budding flowers. I would have liked to see him alone, but... We went to my studio. He was very nice and attentive towards me like the last time. Then while we were sitting around the living room table and chatting, with him sitting to my left, I started to lightly caress his leg under the table. There was no reaction from him. Since the others couldn't see, I continued for a while. After a while, he bent down to pull up his socks then he left one hand on his knee. So I put my hand under the table again and caressed his fingers. He didn't move his hand away. He let me do it, but without any reaction, as if nothing were happening. At a certain point I had the feeling that his fingers were lightly pushing against mine, but I couldn't be sure. I asked myself whether it was because kindness, or shyness, or because he liked it that he didn't withdraw.
They left around 5 p.m.. But around 11:30 Orlando called to thank me for the lovely afternoon. We talked for a while. I told him that I felt really good this afternoon and that my heart still sang happiness. He then asked me if they could come to see me again. I said yes, but added that I would also like to see him alone, at least once. He answered with a "Sure." So I asked him "When?" He answered that he is free every afternoon after 5. But unfortunately, at least this week, I am not free. So we agreed to call each other again next week to decide when we can meet "both alone and with the others." He must know that I like him. Or maybe not. I don't know. Certainly, I would like very much to start something with Orlando, even if he is Willy's lover. But if he is indeed Willy's lover, will he still be interested in me? Was his kindness and attentiveness towards me a result of his character, or because he felt something for me? At times he paid really nice compliments to me, but... Well, if they are roses, they will bloom.
And let's come to Nuccio. I went to the "Pink Triangle" pub and he was sitting at the bar, near me. He looked nineteen or twenty, and was the most handsome man in the crowded pub. I wanted to pick him up, but as always, I didn't know what to do. Then he took out a cigarette and tried to light it, but his lighter didn't work, so I lit it with my lighter. He smiled at me. What a sweet, luminous, and enchanting smile! We chatted for a while and he told me he was waiting for a friend. I asked him whether that guy was his boyfriend, and he told me that he wasn't sure yet since he met that guy not too long ago. He told me that he liked my moustache and my beard very much. When he heard that I was a painter, he told me he would like to learn to paint. So I gave him my address and phone number, telling him to call me so we could meet again. He said he would. I told him about the Sistine Chapel restoration program that would be on TV Thursday night and that I would appear in the program, and he promised me he would watch it. We chatted for about an hour, and then his friend arrived. Nuccio said bye and went to sit with his friend.
For a couple of hours we looked at each other from afar. Or more precisely, I watched him, and each time his eyes met mine, he gave me a luminous and sweet smile. I didn't like his friend. He was a guy about forty years old, with a moustache and a goatee. I didn't like him, not because I was jealous, but because while he was with Nuccio, he often neglected him to chat with his various friends. Moreover, when he talked with Nuccio, he treated him like he was a twelve-year-old boy.
Then I stood up to leave. And Nuccio stood up and quickly came to the door and told me with a gentle smile, "I'll call you, I promise!"
In fact he called me Thursday evening after the TV program to tell me that he saw it. We talked for a while, and I invited him to come to my place to see my paintings. He accepted my invitation at once with obvious pleasure. So we agreed to meet next Saturday afternoon at 4:30 here at my apartment. I am looking forward to our meeting with longing. I think I'll tell him that I like him very much, and I'll court him, if he becomes my lover... I'm dreaming already!
I ask myself, whom do I like the best among these three? I really don't know. They are very different and all three attract me very much! I saw "everything" of Livio, nothing or very little of the other two, but each of them has something that entices me very much. I like the smile of all three, that sweet and luminous smile of Livio, that cunning and sweet smile of Orlando, that sweet and shy smile of Nuccio.
And maybe in the end I would get nowhere with any of the three: Livio, because is straight; Orlando, because he is in love with Willy; and Nuccio... who knows? Perhaps I have the best chance with him, since he met that guy just two or three weeks ago (even if he had already made love with that, and I knew he was going to that guy's place later that night to spend the night there) and he told me that he still didn't know whether there was something serious between them or not...
Or if instead all three accept my courtship, then I will find myself in trouble because I would have to make a choice and that would be difficult.
For the moment, I cannot wait for next Saturday, or the following days, to see how things will evolve on the three fronts. One thing I do know for sure is that I am having a very joyful time, as the hope of loving and being loved is burning inside my heart again. This evening, my son told me that I had been glowing for a few days, and asked me if perhaps I was in love...
I remember asking him about it, but it was nothing more than a witticism then. We weren't living together at that time because I went to live with my man, but we met rather often. In those days, Dad really seemed to be born again, rejuvenated. It was a joy to look at him. He didn't open his heart to me at once, possibly because even in the joy of the found-again falling-in-love feeling, he was somewhat disconcerted for his threefold infatuation. Maybe he was also a little embarrassed with me, since he always said that love is a serious matter with which one must not play, and that when one loves a person, nobody else matters.
In these pages I can read a sense of amazement and confusion, mixed with the joy of feeling that he could still hope to love. Maybe inside his heart, after you left him, Silvio, he had renounced this hope. But now he was feeling that not one, but three little flames were lighting again. He must be happy, but also confused. He must feel almost like a little schoolboy trying to discover love.
Of course, little by little, I became aware he had to be really in love -- he started to care for himself again, to keep his apartment and even his studio in order. He was merry and peaceful, at least at the beginning of this period. So I just waited for him to talk to me, to share with me his found-again joy of living. And I studied him with pleasure.
9/6/1990, Saturday
Saint Eleutherius
What can I say about Nuccio Livraghi? He came over to my place and brought me a cake that he made himself (and therefore he went to bed at 2 a.m. and he was dying to catch some sleep). He was really nice, really very much so. He told me that he loved his boyfriend, but he was aware that he neglected him (as I had noticed) and this disappointed Nuccio. His boyfriend didn't even show up for their date last Sunday.
Nuccio accepted my offer to teach him painting here at my place. But when I told him I liked him very much, he said there was too much age difference between us (his boyfriend is thirty-two and he thought I was about forty-five...). When I lightly caressed him on his bare chest (he took off his shirt because of the heat, and he had a nice body), he said that he already had a boyfriend and therefore... But then he played with my fingers, and when he left and I kissed him lightly on his lips, and he returned the kiss...
I felt a strong desire to embrace him, to kiss him, to caress him, but I held back, even if it was difficult. When I caressed his arm or his leg, he let me do it and gently smiled. When he lay down on the mat on my terrace to rest, while I was fixing a meal (I convinced him to have lunch with me), I felt a strong desire to lie down near him, to hold him against me, to make him mine, to conquer him in some way -- his full lips with my mouth, his small and hard nipples with my lips, his little navel with the tip of my tongue... I wanted to part his legs slightly with my hands so I could get to his hidden jewels... but I restrained myself to just admiring him and to caressing his hair.
He will come again on the 27th of this month. He cannot come before then because he has a lot of work to do. After that, he will probably come to take lessons once or even twice a week. I like him very much. He is really sweet, clean, nice, and simple. He really attracts me a great deal. Again, if they are roses, they will bloom!
While Nuccio was here, Orlando called to tell me that he had found the plastic folders I wanted, and he wanted to bring them to me this evening. I told him to come at 7:30 on Monday night and to stay for dinner. He accepted it. So, on Monday, I will have the second date with Orlando! However, I'm afraid that if I try to keep my foot in too many shoes, I'll end up barefoot. Yet none of them has said 'yes' to me. I need someone for me to love and to caress, someone to love and to caress me, and someone to make love with, of course... and I would like it to be the same person.
I gave one of my small rose wood sculptures to Nuccio and he seemed very glad. I will also give one to Orlando. From certain aspects, I feel more attracted to Orlando, but from other aspects, I like Nuccio more. And then there is Livio, the most difficult one to conquer, but who knows, maybe one day he will be the one to accept my courtship. To be a straight boy, he stripped to his boxers too easily, and he let me rub him with obvious pleasure... Although he is still young, he is really well shaped. Yes, Livio is certainly more than desirable.
I would have to decide among the three, if only one of them would just give me a sign that he's interested in something serious with me! To tell the truth, Nuccio gave me more or less the opposite sign, and yet, from how he looked at me and smiled at me, I have the feeling that he is deeply interested in me... He makes me feel desired in some ways, and this is a great sensation.
I met Nuccio, probably right on that day (I can't be sure), as he was leaving Dad's apartment. I thought he was just one of his private students. I didn't suspect anything because I knew that Dad had always been extremely careful with his students, and I knew he would never have tried with any of them (although he did try with Livio...). I also knew that Dad always preferred older and more mature boys.
I found Nuccio really nice. I like young boys, although in reality I choose to live with a man six years older than me. I really didn't suspect that Dad was falling in love with Nuccio.
Another odd thing was that Dad decided to court Nuccio and Orlando even though they each already had a man. This was very unusual for him. He never liked the "couple-breakers" as he called them. But maybe in some ways, he was feeling life slipping away, and then he came to a compromise with himself... I don't know.