9/7/1990, Monday
Saint Gratus
Orlando's family name is Valle. He came to my place today, and the flower plant he gave me was in full bloom. I made him notice that -- five flowers, of a clear red-violet colour, and so beautiful. Now it is a little over midnight and he just left. He called around 7:30 to tell me that he would be late. He arrived at 8:10 and apologized for being late. He gave me the plastic folders and I gave him my little sculpture, and he was happy. We ate supper. How nice he was! But I didn't dare to make any advances. At 9:00 I had to make a long phone call and asked him if he could wait while I made the phone call. "Sure." he said with a broad smile. "Later, I will teach you a game," I told him. "All right."
I made my phone call. He sat on the sofa and listened to me while smoking a cigarette. Then he fell asleep. When the call ended, I went over to him and whispered his name. He was deeply asleep. So I sat near him and started to caress his leg, continuing to whisper his name, but nothing happened. I caressed his thigh, I wanted to go up more, to the bulge under his jeans, but I didn't dare. I caressed his bare arm, continuing to call his name in a low voice, but there was still no response. He was so beautiful, so desirable! I would have liked to kiss him, but I just caressed his cheek, continuing to call his name gently. After a while, he opened his sleepy eyes, looked at me, turned towards me... and kissed me on my mouth! So I embraced him, in silence. He held me tight against him and his kiss was filled with real passion. Gradually, we lay down on the sofa, caressing each other, kissing, holding each other tightly. Then I started to undress him. Orlando let me do it, panting with pleasure, kissing me and touching me all over. Before long, we were both completely naked and tightly intertwined. Orlando reacted to my shudders and moans and returned my caresses, my kisses, my licking and sucking with real passion. I liked his young, lean body very much, but even more the expressions on his face where I could read his evident desire to give himself to me, to be taken by me.
I didn't take him right away, but tried to prolong these moments of increasing pleasure. We intimately kissed and sucked each other for a long time, excited each other to the point where we both were no longer able to restrain ourselves. So I grabbed some gel and condoms, and he at once offered himself to me, putting his legs on my shoulders. After preparing him and putting on a condom, I penetrated him. I didn't know which one of us was more in a bliss -- me slipping inside him, or him feeling me inside himself.
He was embracing me very tightly and moaned aloud, happy with my passionate motion deep inside him. God, how much I liked making love with Orlando! I felt I was in love with him. After we both reached climax, while happily relaxing, I told him I would like for him to become my boyfriend (I really called him "my treasure"). With a sad expression, he told me what I was afraid to hear, "But I already have a lover..." I felt really dejected. He embraced me and said, "Yet I like you so much..." "But you have a lover..." "What can I do, now?" he murmured, more to himself than to me.
We remained naked, embracing in silence. We smoked a cigarette then we ate a cake and joked for a while. I gave him my picture and asked him to bring me one of his pictures the next time we meet. Then, almost shyly, he asked me if I felt like making love with him again, as he really desired an encore. I desired him too! So we started again. "Fuck me!" he was begging. I took him again. He said it was hurting somewhat. "It's so big, yours..." he murmured, but he didn't want me to stop. "I love you." I said to him while I was taking him. "Oh yes, you are so manly! I like you so much!" he murmured. We reached a very intense climax again. Then, while we were embracing and I was caressing him, he fell asleep. I would have liked to take a picture of him. He was so sensual -- languidly abandoned on the sofa, his tool now soft but beautiful, his hairless body so desirable. After a while, I woke him up and he told me with regret that he had only thirty more minutes to catch the last bus to his apartment. He kissed me and we both were aroused again.
"When can we meet again?" I asked him. "Soon. I am going back to see my family this weekend, but I will call you next week," he said sweetly, caressing my face. Then he dressed. Before leaving, he embraced me again, very tightly, and French-kissed me.
Now, I ask myself, am I just a simple (but enjoyable) adventure to him or is he feeling something more for me? What is going to be my future with Orlando? Will he make love with me again, while still remaining the boy of that other man? Or will he decide to leave him to be my lover? I know for certain that he madly enjoyed making love with me, and he told me he liked me very much. He didn't want me to dress because he wanted to see my naked body. But will he spend this weekend with his lover? Is he making a comparison between that man and me? What will he decide?
I feel I'm falling in love with Orlando. In fact, Livio and Nuccio seem less attractive to me now, and less interesting than before. I really like Orlando a lot, and also his passionate way of making love. I'm starting to dream of Orlando asking me one day if he could come to live with me. I really am an incurable dreamer! Probably he will stay with his lover and simply come to amuse himself with me from time to time. I wouldn't really regret even this possibility, but I would really like for him to become my boy. I like him so much.
Now he must have reached his apartment. I feel so happy having made love with him! But what about him? When can we meet again? Perhaps next Thursday? What will he tell me? Will he fall in love with me? Will he make his choice? Maybe not right away, but what can I do to conquer him? I mean, how to conquer his heart too? Yes, I'm already in love with him...
Dad's character is right here in these lines -- he felt he was in love with Orlando and the other two boys were already starting to fade away. And one can also see his need to give and to receive love.
I was fifteen (Dad was forty and Mom was thirty-five) when I told them that I found out I was gay. I remember it very well. It was a late evening, and I just got back from Donato's home. Donato was the captain of my rowing team. On that day, he told me that to him I was the most important member of our team. I was flattered but amazed -- I knew I was not the best one, and I told him so. Then he put his hands on my shoulders. And looking straight into my eyes, he told me that I was the most important to him, because he was in love with me. And he asked me if I wanted to become his boyfriend, and to make love with him. I never thought of such things as making love before, but when I read the desires and love in his eyes, I told him at once, hesitantly but firmly (it could seem like a contradiction, but it was really so) that I would be happy to be his boy. He took me to his bed and we made love. It was a really beautiful experience because he was so tender. He took me without hurting me, but instead, gave me so much joy and pleasure.
So, when I went back home, I felt I must tell my parents the wonderful thing that had just happened to me -- I made love with a splendid boy and we were in love.
"Dad, Mom, I fell in love!" I said excitedly and happily. "Very well." Dad answered with a broad smile, "and who's the girl?" Mom was also smiling. "It's not a girl, it's Donato, my captain." I said radiantly and foolhardily.
Dad didn't change his expression, but Mom did -- she literally went white as a ghost. Dad, who was looking at her (knowing her well, Dad probably expected her reaction), asked me, "Are you sure you are really in love? It could just be a strong admiration, don't you think?" "No, no, I have made love with him." I answered, starting to look somewhat hesitantly and worriedly at Mom's expression. Dad asked, "And did you like it?" "Very much..." I answered more and more hesitantly. "Well, I'm glad for you, Raffaele," Dad almost murmured.
"Glad? What are you saying?" Mom asked, speaking almost with difficulty. "If Raffaele feels he is in love with Donato, and his love is returned, and he enjoyed the physical aspect of it and he is happy... why shouldn't I be glad about his happiness?" Dad gently asked her. "But... but Gian-Maria, are you aware of what you are saying?" "Yes, Gabri, I am perfectly aware. I want Raffaele to have a serene and happy life, and if his happiness comes from Donato..."
"But..." Mom started to say, still angrily. Dad put his hand on her arm in a caress, "Gabriella, if you want, we can talk about it later, you and I. Anyway... thank you for telling us about it, Raffaele. I want you to know that you can tell us anything without any worry... Now it's late, wouldn't you like to go to your bed?"
Looking at Mom, I understood that Dad was giving me a suggestion, so I bid them goodnight and went to my room. But I was all ears. I heard them talking, although I was not able to catch their words. Dad had a gentle, calm tone. Mom was slightly hysterical, but little by little, she calmed down. In any case, she never shouted or talked aloud.
The next morning, Dad came to wake me up. He sat on my bed and told me "Mom loves you very much, even if she has some difficulty accepting that you are gay. As for me, the only thing I ask of you, is to live your life in an honest and serene way..." and he gave me a very beautiful speech about love, and about sexuality lived with love.
On that occasion he didn't tell me he was gay, or at least bisexual. It was just not necessary, I think. He was living with Mom, and they fit well. They really loved each other. His sexuality was entirely lived with her and for her. And anyway, at that time, it was not a problem. He advised me not to talk about my love and my sexuality with Mom, but at the same time to hide nothing.
"Simply, if you need to confide, to talk, to open up yourself, to discuss, to ask for advice, do it with me, not with her, at least for the moment. I think it will be better this way." "Sure, Dad. And then, between us men we can probably understand each other better." I answered quietly and was grateful that he accepted me so fully. Nevertheless, Mom's reaction brought me back to reality -- I knew it was not just her that could have such a reaction, but the majority of the people, my school mates, friends, relatives, teachers... almost everybody.
So from time to time after that day, when I felt the need or just the pleasure, I talked with Dad about my sentimental and sexual life. And because of this, I became aware that I was really lucky, having known some other gay boys like me. Mom changed slightly towards me, but after all, she accepted me as well, thanks to Dad, I think.
9/9/1990, Tuesday
Saint Sergius
At the high school, I met Livio again during the painting class. Yes, I like him very much, but I prefer Orlando. Livio is handsome, pleasant and desirable. However, Orlando is more mature, while Livio is still just a boy. Anyway, we arranged two more meetings, one for Thursday the 18th, he will come to my place for the painting lesson; and the other for the 25th. On that occasion, we will go to Genoa together to see the port, and he will be my guide since he knows the port very well. Between now and then, I will certainly meet with Orlando again, and perhaps also with Nuccio. Everything is still open, even if I really hope that Orlando accepts and returns my love. I feel more and more attracted to Orlando. I only think about him -- Orlando and his saucy smile, his passion when making love, his incredibly desirable body, and his strong desire to have me inside him...
Would I one day be able to say "my Orlando"?
9/13/1990, Saturday
Saint John Chrisostomos
Orlando hasn't called, and only after several non-returned phone calls, I found him at Gianni's place. We couldn't find a mutually convenient time to meet this week, and I had the feeling that he hadn't really made any effort to find the time to meet me. Or was it because he was at Gianni's place and didn't want his friend to know about us? He didn't want to tell his friend that he had made love with me? He didn't want to commit himself? Tonight he had his supper at Gianni's place and neither one of them thought to invite me. What does that mean? Could he have told Gianni, and Gianni was not happy about us together? Or did Orlando have second thoughts about the other day and is now repenting his moments of weakness? After all, he is that Willy's boyfriend, right? Or perhaps... No, I must wait, I just have to wait. The flowers on Orlando's plant are almost withering; it almost seems like a sign...
I had planned to go to the "Pink Triangle" tonight, but now I don't feel like going out any more. And after all, I am hoping that Orlando will call me when he gets back home tonight, although I really don't think he will. And yet all I do is thinking about Orlando. And all the other boys I see, even the really beautiful ones, seem less attractive to me... I'm really falling in love with Orlando. Would it be a hopeless love? One of the many? I don't know, but I feel so sad. It has been raining all day long, and maybe this also added to my sadness.
Now it is 7:47 p.m. and I feel like just going to bed. I think I will really do that. At least I won't have to think, and time will pass faster. The other day, after we made love, Orlando asked me if Gianni would get angry if he knew about us. I told him that there was nothing between Gianni and me and therefore I couldn't see why he would get mad at us. But could Orlando be talking about Willy, because Gianni is Willy's friend? Too many questions without answers... It will really be better if I go to bed now. I hope I can fall asleep.
I'm really falling in love with Orlando, and I feel like crying. But perhaps I'm being stupid, perhaps Orlando still cares about me, perhaps it is just a matter of time. Or am I deceiving myself? I really don't know what to think. And outside, it rains, rains, and rains, like the inside of my heart. What a sadness!
9/16/1990, Tuesday
Saints Cornelius and Ciprianus
Orlando called me! He apologized for talking so little with me when he was at Gianni's place, but he explained that it was just because he didn't want Gianni to know about us. I told him that I changed my schedule and I would be free tomorrow. Orlando immediately asked me (as I had hoped) if we could meet. Since he likes to take a shower after work and mine doesn't work, he invited me to his place. He said that we could shower together (a nice thing, isn't it?) and then go get some groceries and prepare our dinner. Then we could watch some videos... in short, we could spend the whole evening together.
I just hope his Sicilian roommate won't be at home. I really desire so much to make love with Orlando. He said that he hadn't told Gianni about us yet, but he thought it would be better to tell him. I told him that all these days I thought about nothing but him, and he seemed happy. He was dear and gentle as always. My fears have been stupid, it seems.
I really did the right thing by changing tomorrow's schedule with the hope of meeting him. But it's a pity that the shower at my place is broken. I would have liked having him here more. Nevertheless, I don't mind going to his place at least once. I like the idea of seeing where he lives and how his place is. I will have to take him a small present, perhaps the mini-lighter that he liked so much. I will give him the small landscape I painted on another occasion. But maybe I should also take him a plant?
Well, serenity is back. Now I can go to bed happy, and brood over this happiness until 5:30 p.m. tomorrow, when we meet. We will meet at the entrance of the bus station, so we can to go to his place together. I have to wear something nice tomorrow, for him. We will meet in eighteen hours, no, less than that. I hope time will pass quickly. I'm really happy!!!
9/17/1990, Wednesday
Saint Charles
How did it go? Well, let's proceed in order. We had planned to meet at 5:30, but we met at 6:08 instead -- we were each waiting for the other at different places, but luckily we met at last. Then he told me that his roommate would be having dinner with us, and also invited his boyfriend, Paolo, and a friend of his, Martino. Therefore, we would not be alone. I was somewhat disappointed, but nevertheless happy to be able to spend some time with Orlando. After we arrived at his place, he called Gianni and invited him over for dinner, and he asked him if he would stay overnight... I felt somewhat jealous -- I would have liked it if he had asked me to stay and to sleep with him. I met his Sicilian roommate, Michel (called Mik) -- he is likeable. Then Paolo and Martino arrived, then Gianni. I gave Orlando a small red heart-shaped envelope with the mini-lighter inside. He seemed really happy. Then we started to cook. I went in the small kitchen to help Orlando while the other four were chatting in the living room. And here I had the first surprise -- Orlando kissed me (since the others could not see us), a French kiss, deep, full of passion and desire. And after that, while continuing to cook, Orlando kissed me some three or four more times. So I asked him if he would come to my place Saturday afternoon after work, and he agreed at once. I slipped my hand under his pullover and caressed his chest, and he pushed against my body, purring like a kitten.
Well, I can't say he is in love with me, but at least he still desires making love with me. He likes me. From time to time, he gave me his sweet smile that made me melt completely, and I noticed that he didn't smile like that for the others, but just for me. And all through dinner, he cared for my eating, and he was often picking the best morsels for me -- also, he did this only for me...
I like Orlando more and more, and the more I look at the other boys, the more I like Orlando. He is better in all comparisons. Even if at times I see a really gorgeous boy, I feel he misses something that Orlando has -- above all, his wonderful smile. And I feel very strong desires for Orlando.
I was looking at the nape of his neck, at his arms, at his body while he was cooking, and felt the desire of making love with him, right there in his narrow kitchen... He arouses me so much, and at the same time he inspires me to such tenderness! He is cheerful, gentle, sweet, pure, and sexy, and his intimate kisses, his tongue searching mine and playing with mine...
I love him, and maybe in reality he is also falling in love with me... I desire him. I regret that I could not have him all for myself and make love with him this evening.
Together with the others, he saw Martino and me to the bus stop. While the others were not listening, I asked Orlando if he would really come on Saturday. "Sure," he answered with a sly smile, "I promised you, didn't I?"
Well. I'm at home now. It is 2:13 a.m. and I'll hit the bed. Although I couldn't make love with him, I'm happy about the evening spent with him, really happy, because I became aware that he treated me in such a different way than he treated the others, and that I'm really important to him.
Tomorrow at lunchtime, Livio will come here. We will see how things will develop on that front. But I feel I am really falling madly in love with Orlando and therefore it would just remain a friendship with Livio. And also, he is straight -- I met the girl he is flirting with, and saw how they were cooing together. Anyway, Livio attracts me too -- less than Orlando, but I still like him.
I think that night, the small but numerous special treatments Orlando gave him, and the expressions of his desires for him, conquered Dad. His lines where he describes Orlando's behaviour are key to understand Dad, especially when he writes "and he was often picking the best morsels for me -- also, he did this only for me."
This makes me recall how it happened that Dad revealed to me that he was also gay.
He was forty-three years old when Mom died of leukaemia. Dad cared for her with love to her last breath, and he suffered very much for her death.
A few months later, I asked Dad if my boyfriend at that time, Ugo, could come to live with us. Now that Mom was no longer with us, it wouldn't have been a problem. In fact Dad agreed immediately and welcomed Ugo with affection.
Dad and Ugo had already met more than once before, and they liked each other. I was eighteen at that time and Ugo was twenty-five. We changed the bed in my room to a full-size -- it was Dad's present for us.
Ugo treated Dad with affection and attention, and also with gratitude for having fully accepted him. I liked seeing them getting along well together, and I was really happy. Ugo had a thousand little attentions towards his "father-in- law" as he called him at times, and also Dad for Ugo. At the dinner table, Ugo always wanted Dad to be served first and picked the best morsels for him, and Dad really appreciated those attentions.
But on a day while Ugo was at work, Dad told me he had to talk with me. He asked me if I wouldn't have liked to have an apartment just for Ugo and me. I looked at him, somewhat surprised, and answered that we were really all right there with him.
Then Dad said, "Do you see, Raffaele, there is a problem and I really think that it will be better if Ugo doesn't continue to live in this house..." "Did he do something that..." "No." he interrupted me with a smile, "Ugo is really a splendid guy, he is all right. Just, you see... the problem is that I became aware I'm starting to feel more and more desires towards him, and it is becoming more and more difficult for me to resist his sex appeal, but I don't want to become a menace in your relationship."
I looked at him unbelievingly, "You... you desire Ugo?" "Yes, because I am gay too, Raffaele, and Ugo is just my type. And his gentleness, his affection towards me, the fact of seeing him around half naked, strongly aroused my desires." "But, Dad... you are gay? You always and really loved Mom, you were happy with her..." I said, still unbelievingly, then added, "and you never told me anything..."
"The fact that I'm gay didn't prevent me to love and to be faithful to your Mom. I loved her, and physically, I also fitted well with her. The love I felt for her prevented me to feel attracted towards others. But now that sadly she has left us, the desire to have a boy awakened again, and powerfully. I need to feel that I am important for somebody, to love somebody who can love me back. And Ugo attracts me dangerously. Therefore, you can understand... When you told me you were gay, I didn't think it was necessary or useful to tell you about me. It was not because I was ashamed, but just because I felt fine with Gabriella and I didn't have any problem. But now it's necessary for you to know, to understand that if I'm asking you to live by yourselves, it is not Ugo's fault, but mine. Therefore I told you."
We talked for a long time. Now that I knew, I felt even closer to him. I almost felt like I loved him even more than before. Later, I talked with Ugo, and he told me that he had "felt" Dad's desires, and that he also thought it would be better if we found a small apartment just for us because, as Ugo said to me, "your Dad is a fascinating man, and sooner or later I would find myself feeling desires for him too..."
The Achilles' heel of Dad was precisely that - the need to feel important and to be desired by someone. I think that Mom gave him these two aspects of a real love, and that's why he felt good with her for so many years. But Dad, deep inside him, always preferred a man, and now his ancient desires had awakened in him again. And this is what happened with Orlando. And probably Orlando, even if he already had a boyfriend, was strongly fascinated by Dad, just as Ugo had been...
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