9/18/1990, Thursday
Saint Sophia
Livio just left. I almost didn't touch him today -- I only put my hand on his thigh without moving, and I was aware that he was slightly embarrassed, so I didn't insist. However, I compared him to Orlando, and Orlando was definitely more desirable. It is not that I wouldn't like to embrace and kiss Livio, and to make love with him -- he has a nice body and a beautiful smile, and he is likeable, but I prefer my Orlando by far. And above all, Orlando is gay and likes making love with me. How much I liked the sensual way that Orlando kissed me and desired me inside him!
I will still have to see what will happen with Nuccio, who has to work overtime at his factory, and therefore we can't meet until the end of this month. Truthfully, I would also like to make love with Nuccio -- he makes me think of a fruit that's ready to be picked, or a puppy that's about to go out and explore the world. He has a sweet and honest smile and a handsome and desirable body. Even if he says I am too old for him, maybe I can still arouse him, make him surrender, make him desire making love with me, make him desire giving himself to me...
I think he would be very sweet and that it could be more than enjoyable to take him and make him mine. Even if he doesn't want to become my lover, he could still enjoy being picked up by me... Who knows? But I would never take advantage of him. I would never hurt him in any way.
I think that in reality Orlando doesn't consider me as his lover. When we were talking about Paolo, Mik's lover, he said that Paolo was not a guest (in the sense that he was a "family friend"), while I was his guest... Who knows if he told Gianni about us when he slept with him last night? He said he had to tell him, but he hasn't yet. Maybe he doesn't want to make our relationship official?
Anyway, the kisses he gave me yesterday while the others couldn't see (and it was him who wanted to kiss me -- deep, beautiful, really sensual kisses) evidently proved that he likes me. I savoured those kisses, and he was also very pleased. And how he shuddered when I caressed his bare, beautiful chest under his sweater! Yes, I like Orlando very, very much, and also for the complete dedication with which he made love with me. And then, he is beautiful. That is, he is not really beautiful, he is just nice, but to me he is very beautiful. When he kissed me, when we made love, his eyes became so sweet and luminous and I lost myself in them. When I caressed his body he became inflamed at once which aroused me a great deal. I also like the fact that the first time (and the only time for now) we made love, he asked me to do it again shortly after we reached climax. And how he liked being taken by me -- at least as much as I liked taking him. Therefore we could be a really well matched and beautiful couple, I think. He has much of what I could desire in a lover -- freshness, simplicity, gentleness, sweetness, passion, a great yen to make love, attention, cheerfulness, warmth, dedication, a handsome body, a special smile...
Ah, if only one day he could tell that he wants to be my lover! For the moment I content myself with sharing him with that Willy... but I would like to have him all for myself. Also even if he is not one hundred per cent faithful, just the fact that he is mine would be enough for me. Fidelity is not a pure physical thing. I would like to have him here and now, to embrace, undress and kiss him and to make love with him for hours... I truthfully would like to live with him, and... yes, I'm definitely falling in love!
Certainly, if Orlando agrees to be my lover, I would be faithful to him, I would no longer look for Nuccio or Livio or any one else. Even if they throw themselves in my arms, I would not make love with them, as long as I know that Orlando loves me.
Orlando literally threw himself in my arms, and it has been wonderful. I think that perhaps he also doesn't know what to do now -- on the one hand, maybe he feels he has to be faithful to Willy, but on the other hand, he passionately desires me. I just have to give him some time to figure things out, to make a decision, without putting any pressure on him. I simply have to make him feel, rather than telling him, how much I like him -- by giving him presents, calling him, making him feel comfortable with me. And who knows, maybe one day he will choose me. For the moment, I content myself with sharing him with his lover who lives far away -- I have an advantage over Willy, in a sense. Well, let's wait for next Saturday and take one step at a time, without any hurry. But I would like to spend a whole night with him; to make love with him before falling asleep and then again when we wake up; to peacefully enjoy his sensual charge, his passion, his intense eroticism and his sweetness; to admire him at my ease while he sleeps languidly in his beautiful nakedness; and maybe even to take some pictures of him while he sleeps in that way, with his sweet and satisfied expression, as I wanted to do the last time but didn't dare to do...
9/20/1990, Saturday
Saint Andrew and Companions
About ten more hours and Orlando will be here. I am thrilled, excited, and happy. Yesterday evening, at the gay bar, I met a really nice boy and we talked for a long time, and yet I was just thinking about Orlando and desiring to have him near me. It is not so common for me to become aroused just thinking of someone, but when I think of Orlando it happens almost every time. I will have to teach a class soon. I hope time will pass quickly. Orlando is on his way to work right now. When I come back home, I will go get some groceries for tonight's dinner and I'll clean up my place. Then I'll wait for him and time will never pass. I will have to give him "The Little Prince" sooner or later. I am sure he will like it -- is he my fox and I his prince? Who knows? Will I be able (will he allow me) to tame him, to make him mine, and not only physically? I can only wait, and feel my love for him grow, and hope love will be born in his heart also...
Just now, Orlando called me asking me if I would feel like going to his place instead of him coming here. He felt my hesitation and told me that Mik would not be at home, so we could be alone at his place. He wants to take a shower as soon as he gets home, so he preferred it's me going to his place. We will meet at 5:20 at the ticket machines. Just three and half more hours. They will seem so very long to me. I hope that Mik will really not be at home and that Orlando and I can be in peace and make love -- I really have a strong desire to hold him tight against me, to caress him, to kiss his body all over, and to be kissed, caressed, and held tight, then to unite with him, feeling his pleasure while he welcomes me inside himself... Ah, it is too wonderful!
I have bought all I needed to fix a good meal, but I don't care so much. I can use them some other time. I have to prepare a small present for him, possibly the embroidered bookmark, which I noticed him admiring when he was here. But maybe it is too small a present, I don't know, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable with an overly expensive gift either. I would give him the moon!
I'll take him the two CDs that he would like, and I will return the one he lent me. Certainly, if he is not alone, I would be disappointed. But he said we would be alone and I don't see why he would lie to me. Maybe at a certain time Mik will be back home, we probably will not have much time. We would be more at ease here at my place, but unfortunately the shower in my bathroom still doesn't work. Now I regret that I didn't insist enough on getting it fixed. All right, I'll go and prepare a gift for Orlando.
Orlando came half an hour late, but I was so happy to meet him! On the bus, he dozed off. Then, as soon as we were in his apartment, I embraced him. He kissed me, and squeezed himself against me... We closed the door and made love in the dark. We were sweating because of the heat. He begged me to take him with the usual passion, but in spite of the amount of gel we used, I was hurting him, so I had to stop. We both came while sucking each other in a gentle sixty-nine. Anyway, it had been beautiful. Later, while we were caressing each other, still naked (he didn't want me to get dressed and said he liked touching and looking at my naked body very much), I asked him if he had told Gianni or Mik about us. He said that he hadn't and he hadn't told his boyfriend either. Then he repeated the same question, "What can I do?" I told him that the only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, and I demanded nothing from him. "Also, what we are doing is wrong," he murmured. So I told him that if he thought what he did was wrong and would decide to stop making love with me, I would understand and accept that, but only if he was happy. "But I don't want to hurt you, Gian..." he said convincingly. "I don't want to hurt you either. Therefore I let you free to decide what would be the best for you." I told him.
Then Orlando told me how he found out that he is gay. It happened less than a year ago. He was walking with a close friend who attempted suicide because he was gay. The friend took Orlando to the gay beach along the river, probably hoping that the place would help Orlando discover his own sexual identity. But Orlando didn't understand his friend's true intentions, although he did notice that oddly there were only men on the beach. Then after they reached the "straight" beach and parted, Orlando noticed that he had lost his house key. So he went back to look for it, and saw two boys, who knew that friend of his, kissing each other. Orlando was troubled. He felt a weird sensation, and he suddenly understood his friend's intentions and felt ill at ease. After he got home, he called his friend and gave some excuse so he would not go to the beach the following day with his friend as they had agreed. However, Orlando thought about it over and over. After a week, he called his friend again because Orlando felt he had been unfair to his friend by avoiding him. But the boy's parents told him that their son left home a few days earlier and they had no idea where he could be. Orlando felt guilty, so he went back to the gay beach and asked the two boys if they knew where his friend was. They told him that they didn't know, but did tell his friend that Orlando saw them kissing, so his friend must have figured out why Orlando cancelled their date. Orlando felt even guiltier. Orlando himself didn't know whether it was a kind of "expiation" or whether it was to understand his friend better, or for some other reason, but he decided he had to try having sex with a man. So, he went to the gay beach again, undressed and waited. A man took him home and fucked him -- he liked that very much! He never thought about it before, but realized that he liked people of his own gender. He didn't tell me clearly, but I think that this first man was precisely his current boyfriend, Willy.
"I don't really know if I am gay, but I know I like making love with a man very much," he said, caressing me allusively. And that was what I admired and liked the most about him -- the purity of his heart. I told him that "gay" is just a label and that no man can be labelled, and as long as no one is harmed, he could have sex or be in love with whomever he desired. Then I asked him if I could have a picture of him and he gave me a picture of him with Gianni, where he was looking at the camera with his sexy and mischievous smile that is to die for.
While we were talking, his boyfriend called him. After the telephone call Orlando was upset. "It was him." he said, and came to take refuge in my arms and he started to cry. I held him tight, and he held me tight. "I'm crying like a girl," he said. "No, like a human being." I answered. "I don't know what to do." "Do what you think is right. I told you, all I want is for you to be happy. I demand nothing from you." "Why don't you look for somebody better than me? There are so many boys better than me!" "Certainly there are, but after I met you, I can't see any one better than you. I like you so much, I can't help it, but other boys don't appeal to me now."
He caressed me and gradually fell asleep, with his head on my lap. He slept for two and half hours, until 10:40. When he woke up, he apologized. I told him not to worry because I felt very good just being with him. Then he said to me, "I'll see you to the bus stop." "Do you want me to go now?" "Yes..." he said, starting to get dressed. "You don't need to get dressed. I can go alone, and I know the way." "Really?" "Sure."
I took my belongings and told him goodbye. He pulled me against him and kissed me. I started to kiss and caress him again, filled with desire. For a while, he seemed to enjoy it, but then he stopped me, "No, it's not good. Please go, now." "All right, forgive me." I said, drawing back. He pulled me against himself again and gave me a light kiss and whispered, "Next time," then added, "thank you for today, it has been really special. And thank you for your present. Take care, Gian."
I said goodbye again and I threw him a kiss from the doorway. He also threw me a kiss and I went out. I would have liked for him to see me to the bus stop, but I think he was too tired and troubled...
And now, what will happen? He doesn't know what to decide. It is evident that I am a lot more than a simple adventure to him, but now he doesn't know what to do. He has a sense of responsibility, or perhaps love. He doesn't want to hurt Willy, or me... I think he is really confused. But I am also a little confused myself. I want him, but I don't want him to feel bad. I am ready to give him up, but I would feel very bad. I want him to be happy, but I would also like to be happy...
Should I wait for his call or should I call him? I don't know. When we parted, he clearly indicated that he wanted to see me and make love with me again with his "next time". And naturally, I want it too. If I wasn't in love with him, I wouldn't have kept watching him for two and half hours. I was aching, but I did not want to wake him up. I think that if he had at least confided himself with Gianni, he probably would have gotten some advice that could help him to understand himself better. I don't know, but I think this experience, no matter how it will turn out, will help Orlando to become more mature, and will do him some good. I hope it will not make him or me suffer too much... This is the first time that I find myself between a couple, although I did not intend for this to happen. What can I do? Give up myself? I have already given up myself too many times, and after all, I have just a few more years to live -- am I so selfish if I hope to have a little love once again in my last years? Yes, Gian Maria, are you a selfish man?
I will have to wait and see how things progress. It's one of the most difficult things for me, but I had to do it many times before, and I have to do it again now. But am I in love with Orlando? Do I really love him?
In these lines there are two expressions that give me something to think about -- the first, "I have already given up myself too many times," and the second, "I have just a few more years to live."
When Dad told me that he was also gay, he also started to tell me, little by little, about himself, his life, his thoughts, his ideas and values.
To Dad, "to love" always meant to forget himself and to live for the other person. He often gave up his own desires, his own pleasure, and his own happiness for the happiness of the person he loved. He also did that for you, Silvio. When you told him that you didn't feel like continuing your relationship with him, he did not try to keep you bound to him, but only for the love he had for you. He only wanted to know that you were happy, and your happiness came before his own. The same is true when he confessed to me that he felt attracted to Ugo, and on many other occasions. He abhorred selfishness, and although he could forgive selfishness in others, he tried not to be selfish himself.
I'm not saying he was perfect. He had flaws, and aspects that I didn't like (and I think he didn't like to have them either). But to him, to love, to really love, was something very basic. He deeply believed in love, he loved love. I am sure that if Orlando ever told him "I love Willy" he would have withdrawn at once. But Orlando just told him "I am with Willy" and, as Dad told me, Orlando didn't even have one picture of that Willy at his apartment, or anything that could make someone think that Orlando was in love with Willy. Probably Willy was just Orlando's first man and the boy felt he owed him something. I would have liked to meet Orlando, to talk with him, to understand him, but I never had that opportunity.
About the second sentence, "I have just a few more years to live," at that time, he didn't know how much he was right, as cancer was already spreading inside his body. But was it perhaps some kind of prediction? Did he feel it in some strange, mysterious way? A fifty-year-old man normally doesn't feel to be near his death. Moreover, even if he was amidst a thousand doubts and trepidation, he surely didn't hope to die. This desire would arise only some months later, when he gave up the hope that he could find a lover. And it clearly became stronger when he discovered that his time was really rapidly running out, as an incurable illness was lurking inside him.
9/27/1990, Saturday
Saint Vincent
I have hoped to meet Orlando, either today or tomorrow, but he said he's busy. Is it really so, or he just doesn't want to meet me? Or he just wants some time to think it over? I don't know, and I don't understand. At this point, I decided not to call him and just to wait for him to call me, but I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I'm afraid he won't call me. Not calling him could make him think that I no longer desire him, but calling him could bother him. But if my calling him annoys him, then it means that he really does not care about me. It could be a way to ask him to make a decision about me. See? I am wavering. However, I really like Orlando. Last night at the gay bar, I met a really handsome boy, and it was clear he felt attracted to me. If my mind was not so full of Orlando, I think I could have also felt really attracted to him. Objectively, he was more handsome than Orlando, yet to me, Orlando was still better. What should I do then? I can't pull him out of my mind, or out of my heart. Only one week has passed from the last time I saw Orlando, but it already seemed like an eternity to me.
At times, I think I should follow my impulses -- to call him, to try to meet him... I know man is different from all the other animals exactly because he is able to control his impulses, but... is it always right? Am I not controlling them too much? I would like to have somebody who can give me some advice at this moment, but who? Certainly not Silvio, who is completely overwhelmed by Danilo, his new great love (and I am glad for him, even if my heart cries a little at the thought that I was not able to give Silvio all he needed). I feel like a school kid during his first love affair -- confused. It is like that so many years of experience didn't teach me anything. I think I can talk with Raffaele. Yes, it would be a good idea. He understands me, and he loves me.
Today, Nuccio was supposed to come to see me, but he didn't show up, nor did he call. I feel he won't come any more. I'm a little sorry. I would have liked to know him better. But Orlando... why did I fall in love with him in this way? He has Willy, so how much could he feel attracted to me? I don't know if he would ever prefer me to Willy.
But I would like that so much! And not only because I like him physically, or his way to make love. No. It is he himself, Orlando, with his personality, which I'm getting to know more and more, that appeals to me so much. Am I deceiving myself? Why can't I ever find somebody to fall in love with me as I fall in love with him? Why are all my loves doomed to die? Why can't I ever find somebody who is happy to receive my love, and to give me his own? At times like these, I feel so sad that I just want to die...
And yet, no, I'm not really sad. I just feel like I am hanging on to nothingness. I wait, but I don't know what for. No, I know -- I am waiting for Orlando to tell me that he can't live without me, that he wants my love, that he wants to give me his love and not just his body. But perhaps I'm demanding too much and thus, as I foresaw, I will remain empty-handed on all fronts.
So in conclusion, should I call Orlando or not? Is it better to wait for him to show up? I have not decided yet...
In fact he talked with me. He told me that he was in a very new and strange situation that he needed to talk with me to see it more clearly. And he told me, in a nutshell, about his triple infatuation, about his predilection for Orlando and his confusion and uncertainty.
I never saw Dad, usually so self-assured and decisive, so uncertain and confused. I felt such tenderness towards him. I told him that in my opinion, he should just follow his instinct. I told him that it was time that he started thinking about himself and his own happiness.
I was happy to hear that he was in love again and I told him that in my opinion, he had to stake everything on Orlando. From how he talked about him, it was evident to me that he was deeply in love with that boy. He talked with me with honesty, trying to analyze his own sentiments and to understand what was the right thing to do, not only for himself, but also out of care for Orlando. I felt that after our long conversation, he was a little more serene. He asked me, "Don't I seem to you like a school kid?" I answered, "Yes, Dad, and it seems splendid to me -- you remained fresh and clean inside. You are a wonderful man." He blushed, but thanked me, and added, "But isn't it ridiculous that a man of my age..." "Not at all. I hope I can be like you when I reach your age. I love you so much, Dad!"
We embraced. Then he asked me how everything was with my new lover, Stefano. I told him that I felt good, even if we occasionally had some small quarrels. He seemed alarmed, "What for?" he wanted to know. "Because he always wants to make love. He is insatiable." "And you complain?" he asked with a gentle smile, and then told me about Mom, and how she caressed him at different times during the day when he was working in his workshop, or at night while he was sleeping, until she aroused him, and then she would make love with him for a long time. "And it was great, you know?" he concluded with a dream-like expression. Then he added, "Maybe he just needs to feel how much you desire him. If you take the initiative a little more often, he probably will feel more assured and will insist less, don't you think?"
|