USUAL DISCLAIMER

"HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.

HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES by Andrej Koymasky © 2020
Written on June 10, 1995
translated by the Author
English text kindly revised by a friend
PART 4

10/1/1990, Wednesday
Saint Jerome

I called Orlando's home at 10:30 this morning. I expected to get the answering machine as usual, and I would just leave him a message and see if he would call back. But instead, Mik answered the phone. He sounded sleepy because he went out to drink with his friends last night. I apologized and asked him to tell Orlando that I called. I don't know, but will Mik remember my message in that kind of state? Anyway, the fact is that Orlando hasn't called all this week. Every day, I would hope there would a message from him on my answering machine when I got back home, but nothing. Probably Orlando really wants to end our relationship. This makes me sad, even if all considered, I can understand him. And yet, I can't stop hoping.

This evening, I went to the "Antares" gay sauna around 7:30 since I had received a pass as a gift. They had a small room with a TV set and about twenty sitting places, where they showed gay movies. Then there was a corridor with benches and vending machines for drinks or snacks and cigarettes, then a lounge with plenty of gay magazines, where one could also smoke. Then there was a partially dark corridor, divided by curtains that form a kind of maze, with two narrow booths to where a couple can withdraw and make love while standing, and two small rooms with a couch that you could rent and lock with a key. And then there was the real sauna with showers.

I watched one of the movies then I started to roam around, hoping to hook up with one of the many young men (90% of the men there were young) who were unceasingly wandering around. Nothing happened for hours. The fact was besides my shyness, I didn't know what people did to hook up with each other there. It was the first time I set foot in a gay sauna, and the fear of taking a wrong step or appearing aggressive prevented me from taking the first step even if I liked more than one of those youths. Then, while I was standing close to one of the curtains, I felt someone on the other side and it seemed he was one of the boys I liked.

He was brushing the curtain like I was, so at a certain point, my hand brushed against his hand through the fabric, and he didn't withdraw. I pushed, and he still didn't go away. So I made up my mind and slipped my hand to the other side and our fingers intertwined tightly. I pushed aside the tent -- he was not the boy I was thinking of, but he was handsome. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to one of the small rooms and he said yes. So I went to rent a room and fetched the key. It was 10:50. We went in and kissed, and slowly undressed each other. Although his face was not really beautiful (but it was nice), I liked his body very much.

We made love, kissing, caressing and giving each other head, but without cuming, and I didn't penetrate him although he clearly liked feeling my finger rimming his little hole. He pressed against me and wanted to be cuddled. I felt he was looking more for some tenderness than just plain sex (even if he also liked sex). He smiled at me, leaned his face on my chest or on my shoulder, and seemed happy when I held him tight against me and rocked him. He seemed amazed by my member. He caressed it and often sucked it. We remained so until 11:40. It had been really enjoyable although we didn't cum. He didn't want to tell me his name. He is twenty year old, and he studies at the Fine Arts Academy, and I told him I am a painter.

I told him I liked him and wanted to meet him again. He told me he already had a boyfriend. But later, when I repeated to him that I desired to meet him again, he asked me when. I asked him when he would have free time. While we were dressing, I asked him, "What about tomorrow? I am free all day." He said, "I am busy in the evening, but not during the day." "So we can meet during the day then..." "Yes." "What time?" "At one o'clock. Is that good for you?" "Yes, sure. Can we meet in front of the "Ideal" movie theatre? Do you know where it is?" "Yes, sure." "Will you really come? I'd rather get a 'no' now than to wait hopelessly." "I'll definitely come." "Promise?" "Yes."

We went out together and walked to the station where he had to take a train. He doesn't play any sports at the moment, but he used to play tennis. He smokes, but very little. He doesn't go to gay clubs or gay discos. When we parted, I asked him again about our date, and he assured me.

He was nice, very shy. I told him that I understood his reluctance to tell me his name, since we still didn't know each other well. But I wanted to get acquainted with him so we could know each other better and maybe become friends. He agreed. Who knows if and how this story will have a follow up? We made love in a very sweet way, and although he told me he preferred not to cum, and we didn't, it had been really pleasurable. When we entered the small room, he asked me to turn off the light. Even without the light, there was enough glimmer to see his body and his expression. And later, he went to switch on the light to have better look at me. I loved his smile...

But why do I always find boys who already have a boyfriend? Will I ever find someone who can simply fall in love with me?

Well, now it is almost one in the morning and I'll go to bed now. In twelve hours, I'll be in front of the "Ideal" to wait for him. Let's hope he won't play a dirty trick on me. If we can spend the afternoon together, I'll give him my address and phone number so he can call me if he doesn't want to give me his telephone number.

But after all, I'm still hoping to receive a call from Orlando...

10/3/1990, Friday
Saint Candid

As I had feared, that guy didn't show up for our date yesterday afternoon. I waited for him for more than thirty minutes. I can't understand what pleasure one could find in making a promise then breaking it. But so much the better -- "the grapes are sour" as said the fox of the tale. Anyway, I really feel I am naive.

Later, I went to the "Antares" sauna again, where I stayed for about five hours without any luck. There was a guy in particular that I liked, really handsome. Although he didn't have any luck in either, he didn't make any indication whether he was interested in me, and he didn't respond to my signals either. Was that because my signals were unconventional, or I simply didn't appeal to him?

At 9 p.m. I went to the "Pink Triangle". There was just the owner there, so I took advantage of the situation and asked him to tell me how to cruises in a sauna or a gay bar. It had been really useful and instructive. Around 10:00 I went to the gay pub "Garibaldi". It was my first time. A nice place, but as usual, I just sat at the counter, silent and alone. So around midnight, I decided to go back home. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw three guys coming in and they sat down at a table. I didn't pay too much attention. I was standing up and ready to leave when one of the three newcomers came to me and greeted me. It was Mik, Orlando's roommate. He recognized me and came to say hi and invited me to sit at their table. I went there and we chatted for a while. At a certain point, Mik saw my rosewood key holder and asked me if I gave one to Orlando. I said yes and asked him why. He said that when he saw Orlando had one, he insistently asked Orlando to give it to him, but Orlando answered with a resolute and unusual "no!

Then Mik said, "Orlando is really nice and sweet, isn't he?" "Yes, very much," I said. Then while the other two were not listening, I asked him if he could keep a secret. He promised. I told Mik I am madly in love with Orlando but I didn't tell him, knowing that he already had another man. Mik promised me again that he wouldn't tell Orlando, and then said that Orlando is still very young, and more importantly, still unsure about himself. He told me that Willy lives in the town where Orlando came from, and is sixty-three years old. Mik then told me that Orlando also has a younger lover here in town, a Frenchman, and Orlando is confused because he isn't able to say no to either of them. Mik said that Orlando just needs some time. So I said to him that my love is hopeless. But Mik told me on the contrary, I just have to be patient for now, and give Orlando my friendship without forcing him to make a choice, or else I risk making him run away from me. In his opinion, I will have success with Orlando in the long run. He also added that he would try to arrange for the three of us to meet more often so that I could spend more time Orlando. "You are a fascinating man. I am sure that Orlando can fall in love with you..." he said gently.

I didn't tell Mik that Orlando and I had already made love, because I didn't feel like telling him things that also concerned Orlando. But now hope is burning again in my heart although I understand that Orlando still needs a lot of time to take a decision. In short, at the moment, Orlando has three lovers, including me. Or maybe it's more than three?

Mik said they would go to a "spaghetti house" at 2:00 and invited me to go with them. I accepted his invitation -- I really felt good with Mik. At 2 a.m., I was about to stand up to go with them, a really handsome young man (perhaps around 28 years old) came to me and asked me where I was from, what I was doing, and a lot of other questions. But I saw the others were saying goodbye to their friends and were ready to leave, so I took my belongings and stood up to follow them. The young man then said, "What, are you leaving already? Stay a little longer, come on!" "I can't." "Just a little longer..." "I am with friends and promised them I'd go with them." "Do you come often here?" "No, this is my first time." "I see... will you come again?" "Yes, certainly." "Good. So we can meet again." He said with a smile. I had the impression that the young man liked me. He was very handsome, and if I was not so taken with Orlando, I think I would have liked to know him and...

We went to the spaghetti house and stayed there until 5 a.m. I promised Mik I would give him drawing lessons, since he wanted to learn. When we parted, Mik told me he would get my telephone number from Orlando and he would call me. I think I have an ally in Mik. He seemed willing to help me win Orlando's heart.

Finding out that Orlando has not one but two lovers besides me didn't shock me at all. Maybe he is still trying to decide what he really likes. Orlando has only been living outside of his home for six months, he must be enjoying a freedom that he never had before. Mik said Orlando is attracted to people of my age, which clearly means that the French man is not really a rival. And Willy, well, even if Orlando goes back to his town about once every two weeks, he is still far away...

I don't know if I am disappointed in myself or not. Next time when I am alone with Mik, I'll ask him what he thinks my chances are. And I'll ask him to advise me on how to conquer Orlando completely. I think that Mik likes me and he will help me.

Among other things Mik told me was that he met Silvio the previous evening -- he doesn't know that Silvio was my ex-lover. Mik also told me that Orlando often goes to the "Garibaldi" pub alone, but rarely to the "Pink Triangle". I think I will only go to "Garibaldi" from now on. That place is likeable.

I now understand why Orlando bought a book to study French. Who knows if I can persuade him to study drawing instead of French? Maybe I can, with Mik's help. I cannot abandon my dream of starting something serious with Orlando.

Raffaele asked me if I just like Orlando very much, or if I am really in love with him. Honestly, I don't know, but I feel it is a deep love, not just a fancy. Of course, the uncertainty of Orlando's decision restrains me a lot in my sentiments; however, I do nothing but thinking of him.


Clearly, Dad was in love with Orlando -- it was evident enough that when I asked him about the boy, Dad's eyes would shine with sparkles.

When he told me that Orlando had three lovers, I had a somewhat critical opinion about Orlando.

But Dad said in Orlando's defence, "He has to reach a decision by himself. He has to make desire and love coincide, but he is not able to do that yet. You have to understand him. You see, when I discovered I was gay, or bi, who knows, I was eighteen years old. I had a girlfriend, and her name was Anna. She was also eighteen. She was my second girlfriend. I desired her. I wanted to make love with her, but she was somewhat hesitant. She caressed me, and let me caress her, even intimately. We kissed, but she never wanted to go any further. I respected her, so I restrained my desires, even though it was really strong.

"Anna had a brother, Dolfo, who was twenty-four years old. Dolfo was gay, but I didn't know that. I found him really likeable. He was handsome, elegant, and witty. I willingly spent time in his company. One day, while we were talking about Anna and me, he asked me if we had already made love. I told him we hadn't. He seemed surprised, so I explained to him why. "But are you able to control yourself?" he asked me. "Yes, for the moment." I answered. "I see... I also desire a person but I never told that person." He said. I didn't understand he was exactly referring to me...

"But on another day when we were alone, just he and I, Dolfo made up his mind and told me he desired me. I don't know, perhaps it was a special moment, perhaps it was the affection I was feeling for him, perhaps it was my repressed desires, the fact was that I let him embrace, caress, and kiss me... and not just kiss. We made love, and when he asked me to take him, and I entered him, it seemed so wonderful to me -- both him and the fact that I was united to him. And I felt I was in love with him, even though I continued to love and desire his sister... I felt I had to make a choice, but I was absolutely unable to do that. So, to understand myself better, I also started to go out with another boy during that period of time, while continuing to flirt with Anna and to make love with Dolfo. He was one of Dolfo's gay friends, who fascinated me with his passionate way of making love. And I felt even more difficult to make a choice. Therefore, I now understand Orlando. And then, after all, am I not trying it with three boys at the same time? How could I judge Orlando?"

Yes, how can one judge another? Dad always said that nobody has the right to make himself the judge of another person. You can only judge the actions, not who is doing them.


10/5/1990, Sunday
Saint Placid

Last night (actually this morning) coming back home from the "Garibaldi" pub, I found a note slipped from underneath the door -- it was from Nuccio!!!

He came here to meet me yesterday afternoon, because he wrote in his notebook that we were to meet on October 4, not September 27, as I wrote down. He said that he waited one and a half hours for me. He apologized for not having called me before, but he lost the note on which he had my telephone number, so he directly came here. He gave me his address and asked me to write or call him. He said he was sorry for not showing up last time, but it was because of his overtime work and his sister's wedding (I remember him telling me about that)... In his note, he also asked me if I could give private drawing lessons to a young woman, a friend of him, who is twenty-seven years old and lives close to my home, and knows he is gay but likes him "all the same".

So, now I understand why he didn't come last time.

But Orlando hasn't shown up yet...

In my heart, there is a real struggle. What should I do? Should I remain hopeful in Orlando, or should I reconsider Nuccio? But Nuccio is so hesitant... and I don't know if he likes me physically -- he must feel I am too old for him, and after all, I really am... Yet I feel very attracted to Nuccio. I feel I can fall in love with him.

I need love. I have a great need for love, and possibly this doesn't allow me to see with enough detachment what would be the right thing to do. I feel alone -- not being able to love someone and to be loved back diminishes a great part of my will and my pleasure of living.

At the bar last night, I was alone with the two waiters at a certain point. So we started to chat -- what my type was, and so on. When I said I am too shy to tell a guy that I like him, they told me very nicely that they would tell the guy on my behalf. Of course, if the other guy is not interested in me, all ends there, but if instead he is... I got the feeling that they didn't tell me this just because this is customarily done in gay bars, but also because they truly like me, especially Marcello, who is not handsome, but very sweet and gentle. Then the other bartender showed me the picture of a close friend of him, a boy of twenty-five years who goes to the pub from time to time, and asked me if he was my type. From the picture, he seemed rather handsome and likeable, so I said he was. Thus he told me that he would introduce him to me, and who knows...

And then, there is the handsome unknown young man from "Garibaldi", the one who wanted me to stay longer and who seemed really keen about me... And then Nuccio... and then Orlando...

In short, I am starting to feel free again because Orlando hasn't shown up, and from what I see, he is not so keen about me. And Nuccio will not be just a temporary solution, even though he is still so young...


Maybe Dad was not really in love with Mom at first, although later on he loved her very much. At first she was just a dear friend with whom he felt okay. It was she who gradually led him to making love with her -- my mother was really fond of Dad. Yes, he was not really in love with her, in fact, even while he was making love with her, he continued to have adventures with boys.

But when she told him she was pregnant with me, Dad not only wanted to marry her, but he also stopped all other relationships at once. Mom never knew that Dad was gay. I think she didn't even suspect it. Dad made sure that he was a good husband to her, so she would miss nothing, either on an emotional or a physical level, therefore he didn't feel the need to tell her anything about his past. "Past is past, it doesn't exist any more. Sincerity is to be reserved to the present. I would have never lied to your Mom about our common life." Dad once said to me.

When Dad married Mom, he was twenty-five years old. I was born six months after their wedding. They called me Raffaele, like my grandfather -- since Mom had already decided, Dad yielded even though he would have liked to call me Giacomo. Dad often yielded to Mom, and yet he was not a weak man at all, but exactly the opposite. However, his strength lied in his ability to not fight over non-essential things. In fact, when I told them I was gay, Dad didn't yield even one millimeter to Mom, and in some ways, he persuaded her to accept me as I was.

I later asked him what they said to each other that night after my coming out. "A lot of things." "But what, in particular?" I insisted. "That we really loved you, and that was the basic thing. All the other things were of little importance." "But Mom didn't accept the fact her only son turned out to be gay. Did she?" "She was not prepared for it. At first, she was shocked. But she was a good-hearted woman, and an intelligent one, so at last she accepted you." "Did you tell her about yourself on that occasion?" "No, it would have killed her. Moreover, she would have thought my arguments were biased. She would think I was just making excuses for myself. It was not necessary, and that was not the time." "But you never felt guilty keeping your true identity inside yourself?" "My true identity? But my true identity was that I was deeply in love with your Mom and was happy with her. I had nothing to hide." Dad answered me with a sweet smile.

CONTINUES IN PART 5


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