10/11/1990, Saturday
Saint Alexander
I haven't been writing for a while. Some things have happened. I haven't seen Orlando and I miss him terribly, but I feel I have to give up on him.
Silvio is madly in love and I am happy for him. He is experiencing now what I felt for him -- anxiety, intense love, and uncertainties. But he is happy, and I really hope he can be happy for as long as possible, and his first experience of intense love can help him grow stronger. I really love him and would really be glad if he is happy. He could at last reach the happiness that I would have liked to give him but could not.
At the "Garibaldi" pub I met a young man with whom I had a long chat. He is twenty-seven years old, nice, and likeable, although not really handsome. His name is Carlo. He clearly made me understand that he desired me. He is not exactly my type, but... He spent Saturday night at my home. We slept together. We caressed and kissed for a long time, and it was enjoyable. But we didn't really make love. Then on Sunday night, I went to his place. All went on like the previous night with just two differences -- one was that he seemed more handsome to me, the other was that we came while masturbating each other. I felt good with him, but I don't really think we could ever become lovers. I don't know, but I can feel something holding me back, and possibly was holding him back also. He is a sweet boy, but physically, he doesn't appeal to me so much. Moreover, there was something else that I can't understand yet held me back from him. Possibly it's the fact that he is too reserved, almost aloof? Or maybe it's something else?
Last night I went to the "Pink Triangle" again. The manager seated me near two Filipinos -- Sam, thirty years old, who had a beautiful smile that attracted me very much, and Jose, twenty-two years old, handsome, but seemed a little too childish. Jose, who sat between Sam and me, practically approached me at once. When he asked me what my type was and I answered that I liked guys in their twenties, he immediately said: "Good, I am that age..." I asked him what his type was, and he said with a cunning glance, "Not yet sixty, Italian, and with salt and pepper beard..." and then proceed to touch and caress me.
Frankly, I would have preferred his friend Sam, but... Afterwards, Jose saw me to the bus stop, and apologized for not being able come with me to my home, but he said that he didn't want to leave his friend Sam alone by himself. We agreed to meet at my home tomorrow afternoon around 6:30.
I don't dislike Jose at all, but I feel more interested and attracted to his friend Sam, who also appeared to be really nice towards me. But I don't know whether Sam just finds me likeable or he feels attracted to me. I like how he speaks, how he reasons, how he smiles. Moreover, he is also handsome and seems really sweet. Who knows... let's see what will happen. In a sense, I feel somewhat confused. I am not able to pull Orlando out of my mind, even though at this point, I have no hope with him.
After we left the "Pink Triangle" last night, Sam and Jose and I went to a disco. Sam was dancing in front of me, and he moved in a really sexy way. I danced too, after not dancing so many years, and I enjoyed it a lot. How nice was Sam! I invited them both to my place for lunch on the 23rd.
While at the bus stop, Jose pushed me inside a public restroom because he said he wanted to see my dick. Somewhat ashamed, somewhat glad, I went inside with him and pulled it out. I felt like I was among middle school kids -- 'Show it to me'... I said and Jose, "Now it is small, it is soft..." "Oh no, it is already a good size when soft..." he said with an admiring expression, and taking advantage of the fact that we were alone, he stretched out his hand to feel its thickness. I liked feeling his hand there, and I liked his admiring expression. Then, while looking at my salt-and-pepper-coloured chest hair that was exposed above the opening of my vest, he told me that I was really sexy and he liked me very much. I felt like kissing him, but I didn't. The restroom was not the right place. Such things are to be done in a more pleasant place, perhaps among the trees in a park, and also with love. At least, there has to be poetry in sex -- there should be respect for oneself and for the partner, and there must be at least a little affection...
I have the feeling again that I'm putting my foot in too many shoes and therefore I will eventually end up barefoot. Anyway, Jose will come to my home tomorrow and we will see what will happen. I got the feeling he wants to make love even more than I do. Or perhaps just to play?
And Carlo? I think if he agrees, we can remain just friends. I like him. Physically, I don't dislike him, but I don't feel attracted to him. In contrast, Orlando makes me terribly excited physically.
Well, let's just wait for tomorrow and the following days.
I didn't know about Jose and it made me feel such tenderness towards Dad, who let the other boy look and touch him and feared he had too small a dick... really like a schoolboy. But, when he was in love, Dad was really like a schoolboy. You know about that too, don't you, Silvio?"
The first time that Dad really fell in love with a man was when he was twenty-two years old. The young man's name was Sergio, and he was a twenty-eight years old. They met at the pool. To Sergio, Dad was probably just an adventure. In fact, their relationship lasted just one year, and then Sergio left him. That was his first real love, and the first real disappointment.
Dad used to say that he who deceives himself will meet disappointment, and therefore the cause for disappointment is not someone else, but oneself. Yet he felt really bad when Sergio told him it all was over.
Certainly it was not as much as he suffered when you left him. You know that very well. You have been his true love, greater than any other love, even greater than what he had had for Mom. He loved you deeply since the first moment he met you. You know it, it was the classic "love at the first sight". And for the eleven years you lived together, his love for you just got stronger and stronger...
10/12/1990, Sunday
Saint Edward
Jose was waiting at the station ahead of our scheduled time, and that pleased me. He was nice. We came to place and chatted. Then I suggest that we play strip poker. He acted shy but was game. Little by little, we both ended up stark naked, so he went to lie down on the sofa. I sat near him and started to caress his body. He let me do it, and was completely passive. Then he asked me if I wanted to give him head -- I told him yes, but only if he would do it to me as well. He said he didn't feel like doing it because he was "too tired". What a weird excuse! So I told him it was probably better to stop there and to go fix something for our supper. I cooked, then we ate and chatted while remaining naked. He went to lie down on the sofa again with his head on my lap, and caressed my face and my hands. I did the same to him, without going any further. Then he caressed my member, and I caressed his. Even if I desired him, I wanted him to do the things he felt like doing. Around nine, he said he had to go back, so we got dressed and I saw him to the bus stop. And here I am now.
I don't know, he is really nice -- he has a rather well shaped and attractive body. But what does he want? If he thinks that I am going to make him enjoy without his reciprocating, then he is really mistaken. Maybe he is just a spoiled boy. I don't know. Or maybe he is really shy and he needs more time? But yesterday at the restroom he didn't seem shy at all. He didn't like to kiss. At least I got that impression. At a certain point he asked me if I wanted to make love. I said yes, but I sensed he didn't really feel like making love. He asked me if I wanted a lover. I said yes. So he asked me: "Don't you have a lover?" "No." "Why not?" "It seems that nobody wants me," I answered. He said nothing, but started to caress my beard, nose, and eyebrows and told me he liked them very much. Then he caressed my hair and said it was soft, not hard like his own. While he was caressing me, he was really sweet and looked at me with a warm smile. But as soon as my caresses became a little more intimate, he started to act stupid like a little dumb boy, so I stopped. Was I perhaps moving too fast for him?
Who knows why we all have to be so complicated? And maybe I am too? In any case, he told me he wanted to meet me again. He will come to my place for lunch with Sam on the 23rd. I would like to meet Sam again before the 23rd, alone. I like him more. He is more mature and perhaps... who knows? Jose knows that I like Sam -- he asked me and I acknowledged it. I couldn't lie to him. It wouldn't be fair. Maybe it was for that reason he acted the way he did? It could be. I explained to him that I still didn't know either of them well enough, and in order to for me become really fond of someone, he has to be good at making love also. He said nothing.
So, we are at the starting point again. Still I like Jose enough, even just as a friend -- he is sweet, nice, and handsome. I think I will go to the "Triangle" or the "Garibaldi" again tomorrow evening.
10/16/1990, Thursday
Saint Margaret
I went to the "Garibaldi" and saw Sam and Jose again. They were with a guy at a table, and it seemed like the same thing that happened to me the first time -- Sam was likeable and smiling, Jose was touching the guy intimately under the table... They waved to me. When they left, they didn't even come to see me or to wave goodbye. Who can understand them? I felt their behavior towards me was weird.
Later, a young man chatted with me. He was in his thirties, handsome, and his name was Gustavo. He didn't give me his phone number but I gave him mine and he promised he would call me to go to the ballet together. I liked him.
Orlando hasn't called and neither has Mik. I think at this point I will call them, even though I am not really sure about it. Wouldn't it be better for me to just give up? As for Nuccio, after that call I found on my answer machine, he hasn't called any more.
I called Mik and Orlando, but I got the answer machine. My heart was pounding in the hope/fear that Orlando was going to answer the phone. I left a message just saying I would have liked to have news from both of them... We will see if perhaps one of them will call back.
I was almost asleep in bed when Nuccio called, just a few minutes ago. He would come here on Saturday, and stay from 5 to 7 p.m. for his drawing lesson. He said that he still had a lot of overtime work to do at his job, but he would come here all the same. He had such a sweet and warm voice that made me quiver and gave me a strong sense of tenderness. I was really glad to hear his voice on the phone. I fancied his smile and... I don't know if there will ever be anything between Nuccio and me, but if he really wants to learn drawing, I will help him. And if later he would also accept my love... Well, for the moment these are just dreams, desires. Meanwhile, I'm feeling terribly lonely.
10/18/1990, Saturday
Saint Lucas
I'm waiting for Nuccio -- he will arrive in about thirty minutes. I am excited at the thought of seeing him again. He is really nice and sweet and good looking. Should I try to court him? Should I give him his time? I don't know, I will see when he gets here, if this time he really comes. Undoubtedly, the thought of meeting Nuccio helps me to forget Orlando.
If he doesn't come in half an hour, I will start to fear that he won't come at all. The fact is that I really need someone to love me and for me to love, and with whom to make love. Nuccio attracts me very much. Why it is so difficult to find a true lover? There must be a person out there who needs someone like me, who can and want to love me and accept my love!
I did some quick calculation -- there are 1,000,000 people in this town, half of them are women, so 500,000 are man. Subtract the too young and too old people, there will still be 200,000. Of these, say just 10% is gay, so there are about 20,000 gay people. Let's say that just one out of 10 appeals to me, and there will be 2,000. Now, let's say that only one out of 100 of those could like me, there would still be 20 gay people whom I could like and who could like me. Where are these 20??? I need just one!!!
Well, I just have to wait and see.
Nuccio arrived punctually. I started to teach him drawing. I lightly caressed his leg and he let me do it. Then after the lesson, he told me that his boyfriend would move abroad for his job next March. I don't know if this means that he will be "free" (for me) then, but judging from the way he said it, he possibly wanted to send me a message... Anyway, Nuccio is really nice and I will help him to learn drawing, whether he can be my lover or not. Yes, he really is nice enough to die for! We will meet again in fifteen days, since he has overtime work to do next week. He said he would not go to the gym next year so that he could come here perhaps twice a week to study. And then he would no longer have his boyfriend... who knows? His birthday is on April 19th, and he was born in 1971.
Yes, I would really like it if Nuccio becomes my lover. Maybe I just have to give him his time. When he looked at me, it seemed like he was caressing me with his smile... We will see...
But meanwhile, should I continue to look around for a lover, or dream to have Orlando back (even if I really think there is nothing more to do, in spite of my message, he hasn't called back)? Yes, it is really all so complex. Perhaps I should stop dreaming about Orlando or Nuccio and start looking around with full freedom. But after all, I feel at least partially tied to these two boys. I have almost given up on Livio, even though he attracts me very much as well. But now possibly Nuccio and Orlando are at the top of my list, and much lower there is also Livio.
Last night Carlo called me to invite me to a party, and apologized for not having called before, but he was really busy. I also want to see if Gustavo calls me -- I like him better than Carlo, for the little I chatted with him. But among them, plus Sam and Jose, which makes seven, will any one become my future lover? Or perhaps no one?
Anyway, I will go to the bar tonight. You never know what will happen even if I won't stay out too late. Now I will eat something, then I will go.
10/23/1990, Thursday
Saint John
Gustavo hasn't called yet. And Orlando hasn't either. Last Thursday, I went with Carlo to the party and I got to relax for a while, even though the party was not really amusing. Saturday night at the "Garibaldi", I met a likeable French boy, Fabrice, who is studying Opera. He said we could go to the Opera together. Then I met a twenty-three-year-old boy, Igino, a nice boy. I couldn't figure out whether he liked me or not. At times he seemed to be giving me signs that he liked me, but then he didn't respond to my (shy) advances. At 3:30 a.m. he decided to go back home and he offered to take me home in his taxi since he lives not far from my home. He said that he is going to England in November for a month, and in December he will go to New York for one year... He is fond of "Comme des Garcons" (he has its perfume and jacket). Well...
This morning at eleven, I went to meet Sam and Jose to bring them to my place for lunch. I waited for them from 10:55 to 11:35, but they never showed up. I don't know why, but I had a feeling this was going to happen. And yet Sam had assured me he would not play a dirty trick on me, and he seemed serious and sincere. I tried to call him at home but there was no answer.
Now I just had my lunch, and I want to lie down a while and sleep (I slept for not more than six hours last night and woke up several times, so now I feel somewhat tired). I don't know if I will go out again tonight. I'm starting to meet people, but it seems, at least for the moment, there is no practical result. All those people would promise to call, and set up dates then they disappear... I really can't understand why they would act this way. Why do they play with other people's sentiments?
I almost forgot -- before I went the bar yesterday evening, I met Gianna, Nuccio's friend. She is really nice. I feel we can become friends. Moreover, she is really affectionate towards Nuccio -- could she be the key to find my way to Nuccio's heart? Nuccio attracts me very much, but I still feel uncertain.
Surprise, surprise, surprise!
I came back home at 10:30 p.m. and there was a message on my answer machine. At first I thought it was perhaps an apology from Sam, or from Raffaele. Or... and instead it was from ORLANDO!!! He apologized for his long absence of communication and said (it was 5 p.m. when he called) that he hoped I would have some free time to spend with him (and with Mik, but anyway together!) and that he was sorry he didn't find me, but he would call again soon.
So then, he hasn't forgotten me, he hasn't grown tired of me! He still wants to meet me! And, based on what I know about him, probably he still feels attracted to me!
I am wasting the exclamation marks, but I had already given up the hope and now I feel so happy. At least on a friendship level, he didn't decide not to see me any more as I had feared. Yes, I really feel better. And now I regret I was not at home today, but I will be all right. Now I can pull out his picture again and admire it at my ease.
I feel a little tired, so I will go to bed now, and I will fall asleep serenely this time. What I feel sorry for, instead, is Silvio, who is not happy these days because of his Danilo. In fact he doesn't know whether Danilo wants to see him or not. I really hope with all my heart that serenity will come back for Silvio also. I really would like for him to be happy like when he first met Danilo. I'm going to meet him on Saturday, so I cannot be free for Orlando, and I'm busy all this week, but of course I'll manage to be free for Orlando in the next few weeks. I feel that Silvio needs to meet me, to open his heart to me. I am really fond of Silvio and I would really like for him to be happy, for him to find true love. And it seemed he found it with Danilo. After all, Danilo is treating Silvio like Orlando was with me... But Silvio is suffering very much because of that.
Well, now good night, Gian Maria!
Once I asked Dad if he was still in love with you, Silvio, he answered "no." Maybe he was possibly convinced of that, but I was not so sure. I think that Dad never really ceased to be in love with you even though you had left him, and possibly this search for a new love was more an unconscious way to really part from you. He told me that he was simply very fond of you, "You cannot erase eleven years of intense love, and I don't want to do it. But it is over, and I don't regret it myself." But I also remember very well when he said to me, "Love is not a lamp with a button -- click, you switch it on; click, you switch it off..."
No matter how much he tried to "click" on the lamp, I believe that he never managed to switch it off. He just put on a thick shade all around it so he could deceive himself that it was switched off. At least, this is my impression, but of course I can be wrong. It is already very difficult to understand our own heart, I think it is almost impossible to truly understand the heart of another person, even if that's someone we really love.
10/25/1990, Saturday
Saint Crispinus
I came back tonight and found another message from Orlando on my answer machine. This time he was home (I could hear his stereo playing in the background) and he was alone, not with Gianni or Mik. He said that, having changed his job schedule, he would be home at 12:30, so he could no longer call me, and he apologized. Then he said he wanted to have a party for his birthday but hasn't decided on the date yet, but it will not be before the 30th. He hoped I could go. He also said he had a bad cold (I could tell from his voice) and he was not really well. It was a long message that gave me so much joy, and I'm just sorry I wasn't at home to answer his call. Now I don't know whether to write him or just to call him, or what...
But I really would like to see him again -- it has been one month now since I last saw him and I miss him so much. He was so nice on the phone, I felt like I could visualize him when he was speaking with his sweet and sly smile.
Tonight, I will go to bed feeling serene.
I am just sorry that Silvio is suffering so much because of his Danilo, who hasn't been calling him. I suggested Silvio to write him a letter. Silvio is certainly depressed and I am sorry that I can't help him. Silvio, to me, still remains terribly important. I am so very fond of him...
Dad told me about your story with Danilo, and the sorrowful way he told me about it at least confirmed that he really was "so very fond" of you.
When you left him, Dad tried to react rationally, to accept the unavoidable, but he felt lost. He didn't blame you. On the contrary, he defended your decision. He honestly said you did the right thing for yourself. He admired your sincerity and your honesty, and he knew that you were really sorry to hurt him, but that you could not act any differently. This justification, in my opinion, came from the fact that he was really in love with you. I told him so, but he answered that his attitude was just objective, and it didn't come from love.
Before he started to hope to find love again, more than one year had passed, of almost apathy. Just his painting, sculpture and the school gave him a reason to live, and he immersed himself in them almost inanimately. And then, there were these months of hope, desire, anxiety, and also of stupefied confusion.