10/29/1990, Wednesday
Saint Simon
I was glad that I ran into Mik, Orlando's roommate, at the "Garibaldi" yesterday evening. I say "glad" because I came to know that Orlando's birthday is just tomorrow. Mik said he would call me tonight to let me know whether the party is going to be tomorrow. He also said he would call me next week to start the drawing lessons.
Therefore, I went downtown to buy presents for Orlando before my classes this morning. I bought him a vest that I think he would like and would fit him, a box of chocolates, a really nice greeting card, which I will put with the book "The Little Prince", and a bunch of small roses of a thin pink colour, almost white. I spent even less of what I had expected, but I think he will be glad.
Whether there will be a party tomorrow or not, I'll go to Orlando's house tomorrow morning around eight o'clock, without telling him, and I'll leave the box with all the presents and the greeting card outside of his door. If there will also be a party, I'll go there again later. If not, it will be a surprise for him anyway. I hope he will be happy with my presents.
Well, now, waiting for the Mik's call, I will write the greeting card....
10/30/1990,Thursday
Saint Germain
Mik didn't call last night, therefore I went Orlando's apartment this morning, and left the box with the presents and the flowers outside. I feared to meet him, but all went smoothly. Now I just have to wait for him to go out and find my box. I hope that nobody steals it before then and that he eventually calls me... So, I am staying at home, waiting.
I hope he will be glad with my presents.
10/31/1990, Friday
Saint Lucille
Orlando called me at 12:38. He was very glad with my presents ("So much, and so beautiful!" he said). And he said again that I must go when he has his party, but he hopes to meet me before then. He said that he really loved the vest, and that he surely wouldn't exchange it for anything else. He said that he had started reading "The Little Prince" and he really liked it. Then he told me that what I wrote in the greeting card had moved and pleased him. His voice had a cheerful tone, which gave me a lot of pleasure. I could feel all his sweetness...
He asked me to call him when I have free time, because he really wants to meet me. Now he works in the afternoons and evenings and he is free in the mornings, but unfortunately, I will only be free in the mornings starting from December. He is free on Saturdays and Sundays, but on Saturdays I work until 6:30, so I can't be free before 7 or 7:30. For the moment, it will not be easy to make our schedules coincide, but... The important thing is that he desires, wants to meet me. Maybe we can, spend some Sundays together, who knows? Then from December on, I will also be free in the mornings, like him.
In short, hope is again burning brightly inside me, and I feel happy. Hearing his voice again after such a long time was really wonderful.
He asked me when I would start giving drawing lessons to Mik, and he said that I could go to their place if it's also good for me. Then he asked me if I felt like teaching him French, because I speak it. I told him that I would willingly do it, and he seemed really happy.
Well, now I know I can call him without problems, and my past fears were groundless, and now I can make up for all the lost time. And who knows, besides strengthening our friendship, I could even get to conquer his love. I really like Orlando very much. I'm longing to meet him, to look at him, to be near him again. I have the feeling that he desires that also, and that he wants to meet me alone, and not just with other friends. Yes, I really think he likes me. For sure I like him madly, and desire him so very much!
11/1/1990, Saturday
All Saints' Day
Nuccio came for his lesson. When he arrived, he hugged me and gave me a peck, and also when he was leaving. At times, I put my hand on his thigh or his arm, but nothing more than that. I like him so much. I feel attracted to him. But we continue to just have our drawing lessons, and I'm not trying to push it any further. The same thing with Livio at my high school.
During the lesson, Orlando called me. I was happy. He told me that he hasn't decided on the date for the party, but I have to go no matter what. We talked just briefly, but he was so nice, so sweet, despite the fact that he told me he didn't have to go to work this afternoon, and therefore he was now at Gianni's place. I felt somewhat jealous -- he didn't ask me to meet him.
Well, I must be patient. The important thing is that we call each other, we meet and we don't lose contact again. He asked me to call him sometime.... It is clear he at least likes to talk with me. Although it is different on the phone than in person, just hearing his voice is still a joy for me...
Nuccio will come again for the lesson next Saturday. He is really devoting himself to drawing, and he is learning it quite well. He said he wanted to become skilled in the male nude, and he would like to be able to draw gay strips.
When can I meet Orlando again? Soon, I hope...
In this phase of his story, among the three boys, he was in love with Orlando. This can be understood by these entries, and it is also confirmed by what he told me in that period. It certainly cannot be compared with when he met you, Silvio, and fell in love with you. I remember that day very well. I went to have lunch at his place. As soon as I entered his apartment, he welcomed me with a radiant smile and told me: "Raffaele, I am madly in love!" "Good! I'm happy for you. Do I know him?" "No, but I will introduce you to him very soon. His name is Silvio. He is twenty-six years old." "How did you met?" I asked him, curiously, feeling the intensity of his happiness. Seeing him so happy immediately made me feel fondness towards you, since you were the cause of his happiness.
"We met at the Van Gloeden's picture exhibition. He was looking at one of the pictures with a particularly intense expression, thus I found him fascinating. I was looking at his captivated profile and felt an incredible joy, together with the desire to plant my lips on his. So I walked up to him and asked him, "This picture is beautiful, isn't it?" He turned towards me and looked at me with his luminous hazelnut and gold eyes, and said, "It is not really beautiful, I think, but very sensual. This boy has a glance, a body and a pose that are sensual. It seems like he is saying 'Take me, I want to be yours.'"
Then Dad asked you if you would have liked taking that boy, and you answered that the body was not all that mattered. So you started to chat. Dad was fascinated by you, and you by him. But while he was fascinated by all of you -- your body, your soul, your mentality, and a thousand small details about you, unfortunately it was different for you. Nevertheless, you two became a steady couple, and started to live together. At least in some periods, you both seemed happy. Dad never loved someone as much as he loved you, neither before nor after meeting you. He told me so, and I know he was totally sincere.
In any case, you gave him the most splendid eleven years of his life, as he often said to me, notwithstanding the crises that studded those years. He was only sad because he couldn't give you all you really needed. He wrote about this in this short diary also.
Isn't it enough to give someone everything, even the freedom to be unfaithful, to leave, and to go away... And yet, he said he had not been able to give you enough, and he was deeply sorry for that. In some ways, he never forgave himself for that, even though he was aware he couldn't give you something he didn't know or have.
11/2/1990, Sunday
Commemoration of All the Dead
Orlando called me again at 8:48 p.m.! He told me that the little roses had bloomed and were really beautiful. Then he told me he quitted his job because he couldn't stand it any longer, although he hasn't found another job yet. I told him he did the right thing. We talked some more then he told me that Mik was cooking their supper. I thought he wanted to invite me, but he didn't... But then he told me he hoped to see me soon. I told him that unfortunately I am really busy this week, but I am totally free next Sunday, and we could meet if he doesn't go back to his family town or have other engagements. He said he doesn't know for sure yet, but we can meet if he is free, and he would let me know.
Then he passed the phone to Mik, who told me that when Orlando opened the box with my presents ("all so beautiful", Mik noted) Orlando was happy like a kid at Christmas. And Mik said that it's great having a friend like me, and he envied Orlando...
Then I talked with Orlando again. "I want to meet you!" I said. "Me too, really..." he answered. We said goodbye and he said, "I'll call you again. We will meet soon..."
If he was free in the afternoon today, why did he call me so late? If he called me earlier, we could have met. On the other hand, he called me just yesterday, so he didn't need to call me again today at all. I don't know how to interpret all these. Anyway, it is evident that he likes hearing my voice and talking to me, and this pleases me very much and gives me hope. It's unfortunate that I am busy tomorrow, otherwise... Maybe he had hoped that I would ask him to meet tomorrow. I have the feeling that he is taking half a step, and then just waits for me to take the other half. Maybe he is still hesitant -- he wants me, but he isn't able to part from his lover?
I have to meet Mik alone to see what he thinks about us and our situation. I have to insist on starting the lessons soon, I think. Anyway, it looks like things are going in a better way than what I foresaw even ten days ago...
11/3/1990, Monday
Saint Martin
At 8 p.m. Orlando called me. He asked me if I was busy. I told him I wasn't. Then he told me he was calling from nearby. So I asked him if he wanted to come here.
He came. We talked for just a few minutes (not even long enough to smoke a cigarette). I caressed his hand, and he held my fingers tightly. I kissed him. He came closer to me, and we started making love. Good Lord, wasn't it beautiful! He was full of passion as usual. I told him I feared that he didn't want to meet me any more, that he didn't like me any more, since I had not heard from him for so long. He smiled, caressed me and sweetly said, "No, absolutely not true!"
After a while, we kissed and caressed each other, and I titillated all over his body with my tongue (how he liked it when I sucked his nipples!), making him more and more excited. He asked me to take him. "I might hurt you..." I answered hesitantly. "I don't care, Gian. I need you to take me badly!" he sighed.
The problem was that I had masturbated twice today before meeting him, so at the beginning, I couldn't get hard enough to penetrate him. But he absolutely wanted me inside him, and at last, I managed to get hard enough and I took him. After a good while of me taking him and him moaning with intense pleasure, we both reached orgasm. It was really beautiful...
Later, while remaining naked (he always likes it that way, and I like it too), we caressed each other for a long time, and he curled himself up against me tenderly like a puppy. I told him several times that I am in love with him. He smiled sweetly, without answering, but he caressed the nape of my neck and kissed me.
I gave him the small wooden statue that I carved, with the two squirrels kissing each other. He found it beautiful and asked me if they represented us. I told him yes. We drank some green apple juice, smoked a couple of cigarettes, while talking about this and that. He was sitting between my legs, his head leaning on my chest. Every time we meet alone, he immediately starts to make love and it is really wonderful. But the hours we spend after it, naked and half embraced, tenderly talking, are also very beautiful! Orlando -- tenderness and passion in a splendid mixture!
At 9:30 he said he had to leave. He told me goodbye, kissed me deeply while tightly embracing me. He forgot his umbrella here. I noticed it but it was too late.
He said he had to find another job now, and he wanted to start the lessons together with Mik (French, or drawing, or both? He didn't make it very clear, but I don't care so much!).
To say I am happy would be an understatement. Yes, it is evident he likes me... Could he possibly fall in love with me also? Now I can hope again...
11/12/1990, Wednesday
Saint Diego
After a few days of silence, Orlando called me. He hasn't found a new job yet, so he goes around town all day looking for one. He called (Good Lord, what a pleasure just to hear his warm voice!) to ask me for a favor. He wanted to be allowed to play on the basketball court at my high school with some friends, but they needed their application signed by a teacher of the school. He asked me if I would sign their petition.
"Of course, and willingly," I told him. He was happy, and he thanked me. He told me that now they just need to find the sixth member of their team, and then he would let me know. Then he told me he wanted to meet me, soon. But we didn't set up a date. He said he would call me soon.
I'm asking myself -- does he remember me only when he needs something (be it a favor or his desire to make love) or am I of some (even just a little) importance to him? I would like to meet him more often, but what about him? Maybe to him, it is good as it gets. It is not easy to understand him. On the one hand, I feel there isn't a real bound between us yet; on the other hand, I don't want to lose the hope that this bound will be created (or become tighter).
It is not that Dad was naive. The thought that Orlando could be selfish and could be taking advantage of him occurred to him, but he didn't care. He almost smiled thinking of this possibility (I can even picture his expression). He considered this just a weakness of Orlando, and he was ready to accept it, be it out of love or out of friendship. No, he was not naive, although at times he said he was.
Also, with his friends, even if at times he noticed aspects of them that he didn't like and which could possibly made him a little upset, he was ready to ignore their weaknesses.
And he would seem taken aback when someone pointed out his weaknesses, even if he admitted them. Perhaps he expected others to accept him as the way he was without pointing out his shortcomings in his face. It's not that he didn't accept constructive criticisms. He always tried to be honest with himself and others, but he felt a critique made with harshness was almost like a loss of love.
It was completely different if someone told him the same things gently, with a smile. It was easier for him to accept that kind of criticism. He wouldn't feel it was an accusation in that case. Perhaps my dear Dad was still somewhat childish in this regard.
And yet, he was considered a wise man by many people. When someone told him that, he would jokingly answer that he felt comfortable, and he would deny that he was a wise man. This was not a pose. Any kind of praise would put him ill at ease as any harsh criticism. Or rather, the praises made him more uncomfortable than the criticisms. The most he would admit when somebody praised him was "I'm trying hard to be so. I would like to be so."
And he often found others were better than him, although he also had self-esteem. He always talked in a positive way about everyone, or he almost did. The worst he would say about someone was "He (or she) doesn't appeal to me, but I don't dislike him (or her)"...