2/20/1991, Friday
Saint Heleuterius
Nuccio hasn't shown up. Orlando skipped two lessons, the first one because he was ill and the second one because he stopped working and went back to his hometown. But he called this evening to ask me if I could give him a French lesson and Mik a drawing lesson tomorrow. So I will go to their place around 1 p.m. Who knows why he calls me to give him lessons, but there will always be somebody else at his place? Maybe he doesn't want to make love with me any more? We will see. Anyway, I am pleased just to see him, although I desire very much to make love with him...
2/21/1991, Saturday
Saint Peter Damianus
When I arrived at his place, Orlando was alone. He embraced and kissed me and he was aroused. We caressed, touched, squeezed against each other. He was so nice, and it seemed he had a great longing for making love. We were interrupted by a telephone call. I pulled off my coat and sat down to wait for him. Then he sat close to me and started to kiss me again, to caress me between my legs, but soon after, Mik came back and so we started to have the lesson. Orlando told me that at the end of this month Mik would go to live with his boyfriend so he would be alone. Was that some kind of hint that he wanted to be alone with me? But then, he also said that he will go to England in May and he will stay there for three months. I then asked him whether he would spend three weeks with me after that so we could visit Sicily together. He said he would have liked it very much, but he didn't think he would have enough money. I then told him that he only had to spend money for the plane ticket from England to Italy, and he would eat and sleep with me and it wouldn't cost him anything. He answered that he would think about it -- I would like so much to have him with me for three weeks!
The next lesson will be in a week. Again at 1 p.m. at his place. I think I will go there at least thirty minutes early, so who knows, we will have time to make love if he is alone. Actually, I was rather surprised this time because he embraced, caressed and kissed me exactly the way he did when he wanted to make love, and yet he knew that Mik was about to come home... I don't know, I really can't understand what is going through his mind, what he really feels about me. Does he want me or not? What am I to him? Well... we will see. Surely, I desire him very much, and I really like him a lot. And he makes me feel his desires...
2/28/1991, Saturday
Saint Roman
Today I went to Orlando's place at 12:20, which is 40 minutes early, hoping to find him alone, but instead, there were only Mik and Gianni. Somewhat disappointed, I made the best of the situation. They both were very nice to me. Then at 12:45, Orlando came. They ate their lunch (and offered me to eat with them, but I had already eaten). Then I first gave two hours of French lesson to Orlando, then two hours of drawing lesson to Mik. Meanwhile, Orlando went to buy some cakes, which we ate together. After the lessons, while Orlando was studying French in a nearby room, I chatted with Mik. Then two girls, their friends, came to their place so they could go out together. I said I was going back home, but Orlando asked me to stay a little longer and they would take me home with the car of one of the girls. So I stayed with them until 7:15. Orlando drove the car and took me back to my place.
We will meet again next Saturday, at the same time. I don't know, but I really can't understand why he touched me with such obvious desires the last time, but then he does nothing to be alone with me.
Nuccio still hasn't shown up and I don't know if I should call him or not. Maybe it is better that I do nothing and just live my days. In other words, not to wait for anything more from life, but if by chance something good comes... This thought makes me feel like an old man, almost resigned -- I just have to wait to die, in other words.
This doesn't scare me at all. It just saddens me a little, but... I always believed that it is useless for one to flop his arms and then to cry because he can't fly, since he is not a bird. Thus, maybe it is time to live what I always believed -- I am good as a friend, evidently, and not as a lover. A sad balance of life for someone who, like me, always blindly believed in love. Well, there is little to do, "c'est la vie"!
3/5/1991, Thursday
Saint Jordan
Today I went to Silvio's place to show him how his new stereo works. In the afternoon, while we were taking a break, at a certain point he told me he wanted to make love with me. Then he crouched against me, asking me if I was annoyed by that, if it caused problems for me. At first I didn't know what to say, I really didn't expect anything like that. I was hesitant, but then I was also very much aroused, because I love Silvio and I continue to like Silvio a lot, so I accepted it and we started to make love.
To me, it had been rather great, but I was thinking that maybe it was not so great for him, since I know very well that physically I'm not his type. However, he told me it had been beautiful because he could feel that I liked making love with him, and because I made love with him "with love". I don't know if I did the right thing by accepting his request, but I am not sorry at all for what I did. And he was not sorry at all either. Will it happen again? I think it could, but I don't really know. Anyway, for sure I will not be the one to suggest that, not out of pride, but because I don't want to risk putting him ill at ease, and perhaps also because I am afraid that I still desire him too much...
Dad didn't talk to me about this incident either. Yet it was not a real surprise for me when I read it, Silvio, as I always knew that your relationship with Dad had been rather unusual. I know that to him it was really important that you were always happy, and not only when you were living together.
In his wallet, I found your picture, the only picture he always had with him -- not of me, or Mom, or anybody else.
3/7/1991, Saturday
Saint Felicita
I went to give Orlando his French lesson. He came one hour late so I gave Mik his drawing lesson while waiting for him. And there were always other people. I really got the feeling that Orlando was taking advantage of me a little too much. If this continues, I'll give him a piece of my mind, and either he changes or I'll tell him to get lost.
He apologized several times, with the look of a kid caught red-handed...
But I like him so much! Mik said that Orlando still acts a little too much like a child, and I think Mik is right. Orlando quitted his job again and is relying on his family to support him. Then, at the end of April, he will go to England for three months to take a course in English, again, at his family expense. Who understands it?!
I went back home rather... well, no, not really pissed off, but...
At 11:12 p.m. the telephone rang. I thought it was Silvio (I knew for sure it could not be Orlando apologizing again and even less telling me he wants to meet me) but instead it was Nuccio! It gave me a great pleasure when I recognized his voice, because I didn't hope to hear from him any more. He apologized for not calling before today. Then, with the tone of someone afraid to receive a "no" as an answer, he asked me if I was still available to give him lessons. He said he would really like to resume them. I told him yes, we just have to see when, because now I am somewhat busier than before. He was happy. He told me that he has to go out of town for his firm, and he will be back on the 19th.
I told him to call again after he is back. He said he is longing to meet me. He said that he would like to take lessons on weekends. Was he implying that he wanted to spend some more time with me? Or it's just me starting to dream again? Anyway, it gave me an incredible amount of pleasure to hearing his voice again, and to hear that he wants to meet me. Also now, his ex-lover is no longer here, therefore... who knows? Yes, undoubtedly I'm dreaming again -- I like Nuccio so very much, and possibly he is more mature than Orlando, in spite of the fact that he is four years younger. He is really nice, but more for his very sweet character than his physical appearance. Who knows? We will see -- I can just wait a couple of weeks.
3/14/1991, Saturday
Saint Mathilda
When I got to Orlando's place, he opened the door for me wearing just his briefs. Mik was taking his shower. Orlando got dressed while I was looking at him with desire through the open door of his bedroom. I had hoped that he would signal me to go into his room, but nothing. After getting dressed, he came to me with his books for the lesson. I caressed his hand and he kissed me. Then he waved me to follow him to his bedroom and there he embraced and French-kissed me. Then, he exposed his chest and asked me to suck his nipples. He had me sit on his bed and then sat on my lap, feeling my hard-on with his butt, then pushed against me, making me feel his erection. He was French-kissing me, lightly moaning, and groping me. We continued doing that until we heard Mik turning off the shower, so we went back to the living room to have the French lesson.
I asked Orlando again if after England he would go to Sicily with me for three weeks in August. He told me he would like to, but he hasn't decided yet, because he doesn't know if he will have enough money. I kissed him again and told him I liked him very much, then I asked him if he liked me at least a little. He smiled, kissed me and said he liked me. I told him I wanted him. He uncovered his chest again, inviting me to lick his nipples. But we had to stop soon, as Mik was about to come out of the bathroom. My God, how much I desired Orlando!
After the lesson, while I was teaching Mik drawing, Orlando went out to buy some pastries for the three of us. He also bought a cake just for me to take home -- it was covered with whipped cream and had two sugar red roses and a sugar red heart on it. We agreed I would call him on Monday (the day after tomorrow) evening after my classes, to see if I can go and get his video recorder. Will he be alone? I doubt he will be, but I hope he will. We can't meet next Saturday because they are moving, but I am almost certain they will come to my place Tuesday morning for their lessons. Would Orlando come earlier than Mik? Another hope... I want him. I'm really longing to make love with him. And evidently he likes it too.
Today, while he was in just briefs, maybe I should have just gone into his bedroom and taken advantage of the situation that he was almost naked, rather than restraining myself. Maybe I was being too respectful, and perhaps he was expecting, hoping for me to make a move. But he didn't encourage me... It's true that it had been enough for me just to caress his hand later, and he took the further step of inviting me to his bed so we could touch and kiss each other. Maybe I just had to make him understand in a more explicit way how much I wanted him...
3/24/1991, Tuesday
Saint Romulus
Orlando came to my place for the lesson, and as soon as he was inside, he told me with a cunning smile, "Mik won't come today..." He embraced me and pressed against me, making me feel how aroused he was, and gave me one of his breathtaking kisses.
Then, I guided him to my bed. We undressed each other and started to make love at once. He was able to arouse me incredibly as usual. He told me that he liked the way I took him, while he was pulling me inside him. Yes, I was aware of that -- from his moans and groans and pushes against me, and he had a radiant expression while I was moving inside him.
Then, we had the French lesson, all naked, because as usual, he didn't want to get dressed after making love. Thus, the lesson lasted shorter than usual, because he soon started to caress me again. We ended up on the sofa and he gave me head. He hadn't done it for a long time and I know he doesn't really like giving head, but he wanted me to get a good hard-on, because he wanted me inside him again. So I took him again with sheer pleasure, and he was happy. When he bit my nipples, I suddenly unloaded inside him and he came too soon after while masturbating.
He said he would come again next week. Now he no longer has his apartment and lives with a girl, a friend. He will fetch me his video recorder. But next time he will come with Mik, he said. We will see. When he left, he thanked me...
Did you notice, Silvio, that Dad didn't talk about love any more? Evidently, he was starting to give up. He must have felt that it was better for him "not to deceive himself, not to eventually disappoint himself."
Anyway, we are already near the end of this short but intense diary. Also in this period, he was showing less enthusiasm than usual with me. By the way, I had heard that Orlando was going to England with that Willy. I asked myself if I should tell Dad about that, but I didn't have the courage. I was afraid that it would hurt him too much. But I asked myself whether Dad hadn't suspected it, in the same way as he guessed that the reason why Orlando asked him to give him French lessons was because of that young French lover. And in spite of that, Dad made himself available to teach him French.
At times, I felt like going to look for Orlando to ask him what he had in his mind about Dad, but then I told myself that I had no right to meddle in that way in Dad's life.
Now let's see the last part of this diary -- short entries, almost dry...
3/30/1991, Monday
Saint Amedeus
Orlando called me and said that he couldn't come for the lesson, because he had to go back to his hometown to prepare all the documents for his imminent trip to England. All right! I still do not understand what he thinks, what he feels. I think that after all, it would be better if I get him out of my mind.
Anyway, I had a meeting with Livio today, just us two alone. He was quiet in school these days, acting cool towards me as if nothing had happened between us. So I told him I desired to be alone with him again and invited him to come to my place. He answered kindly but unmistakably that he would rather not be alone with me again. "Why?" I asked him. I had already guessed the reason, but I wanted him to explain it to me more clearly.
"Because I definitely prefer doing it with my girlfriend. Moreover, I don't really like being penetrated." He said. "But after all, you wanted it the last time. Is it not so?" "Yes, I wanted to try, it is true. So I tried it with you, and... I didn't like it so much. But I wanted to try it with you, and I am happy I did it, professor, because I admire you very much. I would like for us to remain friends, if you desire that too, but please, don't try it any more..."
I didn't insist. After all, I care about his friendship because he is a dear boy, also because I understood that he accepts me regardless. So, I promised him that I would never try to make love with him again, even if we are alone. He looked at me straight in my eyes, smiled sweetly and said: "I trust you."
3/31/1991, Tuesday
Saint Benjamin
A surprise call from Nuccio again! He apologized for his long silence and asked me if I was still available to give him drawing lessons. I answered him it would be a great pleasure for me and he thanked me. So we agreed he would come next Thursday at 2 p.m., after I get back home from my school. Life is funny -- I was about to give up my dreams about Orlando and here Nuccio appears again, although I can't tell if what he just wanted are just drawing lessons. But now that his ex-lover will remain abroad for some years, I shouldn't have any more problems...
4/5/1991, Sunday
Saint Vincent
Nuccio called me to apologize, but some inconvenience prevents him from coming tomorrow. So we decided to meet on April 10th, a Friday, around one o'clock. He will call me when he leaves his home. And I started to dream about Nuccio again. Surely I like him very much, and in my mind, now he perhaps comes before Orlando, who is a very selfish boy. We will see... Hope is alive again.
4/9/1991, Thursday
Saint Dionysus
Orlando called and apologized for not having called before, but he is in his hometown now. He asked me when he could bring me his video recorder, and whether I could give him some more lessons when he comes back here again. On the one hand I can understand him -- he is preparing for his departure for England, and he must be busy and excited. But on the other hand, I also have the feeling that he is just doing whatever he pleases. Anyway, Nuccio will come here tomorrow, and nowadays I feel more attracted to Nuccio than Orlando, although I will have to see what Nuccio does tomorrow...
4/10/1991, Friday
Saint Terence
I am waiting for Nuccio. I'm really longing to have him here again, to look at him, to see how he acts towards me. If he gives me the hope that he wants to become my boyfriend, I would certainly forget Orlando or anybody else for him. He will be here in thirty minute, and I hope there won't be any problem. Anyway, Nuccio always calls in advance if he can't come or if he is running late, therefore I know he will come for sure.
I really feel somewhat excited....
Nuccio just left. We just had the drawing lesson. I lightly caressed his thigh and he let me do it without any reaction, be it positive or negative. It's different from the other times when he at least caressed my hand. This time there was nothing. And when he left, he didn't give me his usual sweet peck, but he just shook my hand. After talking for a while, he told me that he doesn't have a boyfriend now, but just a "friend" and he lives far away.
Was that a message to tell me not to deceive myself? Who knows? Certainly, he is becoming even more handsome, and I feel I desire to be loved by him. Maybe he just has to get used to me? Anyway, he will come again on Thursday for the lesson. God, how much I desire him! But I'm afraid that nothing great will happen with Nuccio. We will see if something will change during the next lessons. It had been three months since we last met.
4/14/1991, Thursday
Saint Tiburce
Nuccio called to apologize. He said he doesn't feel like coming here any more, because he feels too attracted to me and he knows I desire him, but he is now in love with a young man he met, and he wants to be faithful to his new boyfriend...
He had a sad voice, and I felt like a hand was squeezing my stomach. Nevertheless, I told him I can understand him, and wished him happiness, from the bottom of my heart.
Orlando does not call me any more. Yesterday, I met Mik who told me that Orlando is going to England with his lover, Willy, and the man wanted Orlando to sever all relationships to go live with him, and Orlando seemed ready to accept it...
So, it is all over then, definitely. I remain barefoot, as I foresaw. Barefoot.
So his diary ends.
Dad told me it was over "on all fronts." He told me that with a seemingly serene resignation. But in reality, I think that something died inside him.
He completely stopped going out in the evenings. He went to the school, and then shut himself in his studio to paint. He stopped carving. And his paintings also changed. Before, his painting always portrayed people. Although the background landscapes were rich in nice details, the centre was always some person. He always applied a particular care in painting his gallery of powerfully expressive characters.
Then instead, he painted just empty landscapes, without a single human being. Some of them were really wide and serene, but that just made them even emptier. And he used more thin, shaded colours, with less and less care about the details -- so different from the meticulous care he had given to his earlier landscapes.
More and more oneiric landscapes.
In 1992, he underwent a series of tests for some troubles he had felt and thus he discovered that he had cancer. He didn't tell me right away. He kept it to himself for several months, possibly needing the time to digest the news himself.
He told me about it around the month of April, more or less one year after the end of this little diary. Dad tried to comfort me with a calm resignation. He told me that he didn't want to allow the doctors to persist trying to artificially lengthen his life. He would only accept some analgesic if and when he was not able to resist the pain by himself.
I tried to convince him to go out with us in order to distract him, but Dad always declined with one excuse or another, at times simply saying, "I don't really feel like it. I'm all right at home."
He didn't want me to tell anyone about his cancer. Maybe he didn't want to be pitied, or maybe he didn't want to put his friends or relatives ill at ease. When people find out that someone they know is near his death, they won't be able to act normal.
In 1994, he retired from the school, and he only left his apartment to go to the hospital for the checkups. He continued to paint his empty landscapes, where he was pouring all his last energies. Each painting took him more and more time. I think in reality he just spent hours in front of the canvas, only adding a few strokes once in a while.
He was waiting for his death, and was apparently serene. When I went to visit him, he didn't talk about himself or about his illness. He talked about me, you, other friends. And it seemed that about those other people, only one thought mattered to him, "Is he happy?"
Then, in December of 1994, he checked into the hospital and as you know, he remained there for four months, until his death on March 23rd. He was near his sixty-first birthday.
He gave me his last painting, unfinished, with the title "Silent Pearls." There are three pearls in an oyster's valve, sketched at a corner of the landscape. I don't know if it is a symbol of something special... it probably is.