Date: Sun, 26 Sep 2004 10:07:08 -0700
From: fritz@nehalemtel.net
Subject: I Love Corey, Chapter Twenty-seven

	Ah yes, here we go again.  Time for the hated warning and
disclaimer.  Since there's no way to get out of it here it is.
	If you are considered to be too young to read stories that contain
mature content I must ask you to leave.  Since I don't really care who
reads this you may ask why?  The reason, some people don't think you are
intelligent enough to make wise decisions regarding what you read and they
feel they are much smarter than you.  In a piece of logic I have never been
able to follow, they feel that gives them the right to control what you
read.  As I thought the object of reading was to learn things, why do they
feel you should not be able to read whatever you want?  Sounds sort of
Orwellian to me.
	Also, if stories containing descriptions of sex acts between males
offends you, please leave.  If you don't you're sure to be offended because
this story contains such descriptions.
	Another thing, if you live in an area that has laws that prevent
you from reading stories like this you must also leave.  My bigger question
is why do you continue to live in such an area?  Surely you could find a
better place to live.
	The story and characters are fiction.  While I can't think that
anyone would think that they know someone who resembles any of the
characters, if they do so think, the resemblance is unintentional.
	Since I am the creator of this story, it belongs to me.  That means
I hereby give you permission to read it for your own enjoyment but must not
use it in any other manner.  No posting it on another site without my
written permission or quoting from it without attributing such quotes to
me.
	Ernie once again did his best.  It's a shame I give him so little
to work with.
	Feel free to email and offer your opinion, comments, suggestions,
or complaints.  I try to answer all such emails.  If you haven't heard from
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never get through.  Send such emails to fritz@nehalemtel.net I hope you
enjoy the following.  Fritz

	I Love Corey, Chapter Twenty-seven

	Did you ever have one of those weeks when you wished you'd stayed
in bed?  Well that's the way mine went.  I guess it started all right but
then went downhill rapidly.
	Corey seemed all right during breakfast and everything was fine at
the morning meeting at school.  I told everyone he was doing pretty well
and we went through the rest of the meeting and there was nothing to
warrant any concern.  In fact, I was starting to feel pretty good about
things.  Although I was going to be busy, what with getting the team ready
and picking up the new Lincoln Navigator I'd ordered, it looked like a good
day.  I was just generally in a happy mood, thinking about the team and the
`Gator' and how things seemed to be getting back to normal.  If Corey's
mother would just show up again, everything would be all right.
	That went out the window when my first class started.  Lawrence
Thomas Riggens the 3rd better known as LT came into class a few minutes
late.  That, in and of itself, would have been somewhat surprising but his
appearance was even more so.  LT was about fourteen and around five foot
five and a hundred and twenty five or thirty pounds.  He had a little pixy
nose, medium length brown hair that sometimes obscured his sparkling green
eyes, and an impish grin.  The girls all thought he was "MAJOR CUTE" and I
would have to agree with them.  When you added his somewhat shy demeanor
and great sense of humor you had a very attractive package.
	From a teachers standpoint he was even better.  He was one of the
top students in the class and was almost always on time, both in attendance
and with his assignments.  He was polite and industrious.  He enjoyed being
teased and was perfectly willing to tease right back.  His clothes always
looked great and really, I couldn't think of a thing to criticize.  He was
the kid everyone wanted as their own.
	Today he looked like he hadn't had any sleep and that his clothes
hadn't been changed for several days.  His eyes had dark circles and his
hair was kind of matted and looked like it needed washing.  That was a real
surprise because I don't think I'd ever seen him when he didn't look clean
and neat as a pin.
	He sort of slunk into his seat and just sat there.  Owing to the
hangdog expression on his face I didn't offer any comment.  I didn't think
he was in the mood to answer.
	Since he wasn't that late I just went ahead with the lesson.  When
I glanced at him he was just sitting there, paying no attention to
anything.  A little later in the class his head was drooping and he looked
asleep.  Definitely not normal, at least for LT.
	As the class was ending I walked over to him and asked him if I
could talk to him for a minute.  He looked like a trapped animal.  Fear
seemed to just sort of radiate from him.  Since he'd never been afraid of
me before I was really puzzled about what was going on.  Suddenly his
shoulders slumped and he nodded his head.  As I was standing there I could
smell that he needed a bath.  Definitely not normal.  I wondered what was
wrong.
	In a few minutes the "bell" made its usual buzz.  I'm still puzzled
why people continue to insist that a buzzer should be called a bell.  I
know what a bell sounds like and it doesn't sound like that.
	Most of the student body was still wound up over the team.  The
snippets of conversation I heard before and after class were all about how
we would win and by how much.  I hoped the team wasn't thinking that way.
That's a good way to lose.
	LT just sat there, his head down and not looking at anyone.  I
walked back over and pulled up one of the desks and sat down.
	"Hey LT, what's wrong?"  I tried to sound as sincere as I could
	No answer.  He didn't even raise his head.  He just continued to
stare at the back of the desk in front of him.
	"Come on LT, talk to me.  Something's wrong and I can't help unless
you let me."
	Still no answer.  However he did lift his head long enough for a
quick glance at me.  Then it was right back to staring at that same spot on
the back of the desk in front of him.
	"Look LT, I don't know if there's something wrong or if you're
sick.  Do you want me to call your parents?"
	"Don't bother."  That was all he said but the way he said it made
it sound like his heart was breaking.  As I sat there thinking of what I
ought to do next I heard his stomach growl again.
	"Let's go to the teacher's lounge and talk a little."
	"I need to get to geography class," he almost whimpered.  Since it
was the first thing he'd volunteered I wondered if he was going to finally
talk to me.
	"Don't worry; I'll give you an excuse if you need it.  Right now we
need to talk."
	Something was wrong but he wasn't giving me a clue.  I didn't have
any idea of what his problem was but knew it was something I had to find
out.  I led him to the lounge and there were the usual donuts on the
counter.  All the teachers chipped in and there were always a couple of
boxes of fresh donuts in the lounge for coffee breaks.  I decided a simple
way to see if he was sick was to offer him a donut.  If he ate it, the
problem was something other than sickness.
	The offer of a donut soon cleared up one thing.  After he inhaled
that donut and drank a cup of coffee, which he selected over a soda
surprising me, his eyes glanced longingly at the open box.
	"Another one?" I asked while nodding at the box.  He started to say
no but his stomach overruled him and with an apologetic look he accepted.
That donut lasted no longer than the first.
	While I knew almost all kids liked things like donuts, I had the
impression that those donuts were being eaten for reasons that had nothing
to do with the usual teenagers love of sugar-loaded pastry.  My instincts
told me hunger was probably involved.  While he was polishing off his third
donut I dug out a bag of potato chips.  After opening it and taking a few I
put it on the table between us.  It might not be what would be considered a
balanced diet but from the looks of things anything that went into his
stomach would be acceptable to him.
	A few chips were followed by a few more.  As another few
disappeared I went and brought the coffee pot and refilled our cups.  The
chips kept disappearing at a pretty good rate.  After a few minutes of that
I decided it was time to see if I could get anything out of him.
	"LT, don't you think we ought to talk a little?"  His eyes looked
around the lounge seeing that except for Mrs. Webb, who was correcting
papers at the other end of it, we were alone.  Since it was too far for her
to hear anything we said, if we kept our voices down, he sighed.  I guess
he realized he was going to have to tell me something.
	"My folks and I had a fight."  When I didn't comment on that
statement he looked even more forlorn than when he started.  After a few
seconds of nothing his eyes scrunched shut.
	"A major big fight," he choked out.
	"If you'll tell me about it maybe I can help you fix things."  I
tried to put as much caring into my voice as possible.  His eyes were still
shut and finally his head just slumped forward putting his chin on his
chest.  I could see a few tears leaking out but he didn't make any sounds.
	"Come on LT, if you'd like some help you're going to have to tell
me what's wrong.  I can't help you fix it unless I know what the problem
is."  I said that as gently as I could, hoping that he would understand
that I wanted to help him.  All the while I was wondering what was going
on.  It didn't look like he had cleaned up for a couple of days and that
made me think he might have been kicked out.  All of a sudden I figured it
out.  In fact, once things clicked into place a whole bunch of things
became clear.
	"Is it about JJ?"  I'd seen the two of them hanging out together.
With what I knew about Jason it all made sense now.
	His head snapped up and he got a horrified expression on his face.
He started to jump from his chair but I grabbed his wrist.
	"Easy, just relax.  You don't have to be afraid."  He froze in a
half crouch, just staring into my eyes.  "Come on, tell me about it."
	I guess Mrs. Webb heard the sound of the chair when he started to
jump up.  She came over and looking at LT asked, "Is everything all right?"
	LT was frozen in position, a look of panic on his face.  I finally
released his wrist and answered for him.  I doubt that he was capable of
getting any words out, judging by his lack of movement and the lack of any
indication that he had heard her.  "LT's got some problems he needs to work
out Shirley.  We're okay."
	After taking a good look at both of us she returned to her table
and continued grading papers.  I could see her glance in our direction
frequently.
        LT slowly settled back into his chair.  His eyes never left mine
and he had a look of utter despair on his face.
        "I guess that judging by your reaction I hit pretty close to the
mark.  You might as well go ahead and talk about it."
        He stared at me for a few more seconds and just crossed his arms in
front of him on the table and laid his head down on them and started
crying.  I wanted so badly to go around and just hold him.  I wanted to
show him that someone cared and was willing to share his pain but I'd all
ready crossed the line by grabbing his wrist.  I didn't think Mrs. Webb
would make a big deal out of it but the rules said no holding someone, not
even by the shoulder.  Sometimes the rules suck.  He needed comfort and I
was powerless to help.  I could talk but was forbidden to offer the one
thing that might really help, the one thing that makes a person feel loved
and part of the human race and that thing was contact.  Contact with
another person.  It's one of the things that all people need although some
people won't admit to it.  No matter how many words one says it can never
make up for the feeling of an arm around your shoulder; that feeling of
contact and sharing that tells you the person is right beside you and is
willing to help support you through anything.  Well, if words were all I
had to work with, words would have to do and from the looks of things I'd
better get started.
        "Come on LT, let's talk about it.  It can't be that bad.  It might
take a little work but almost everything can be fixed or at least helped."
        "Jason told you," he sobbed out.
        "No, he didn't tell me.  In fact until just now I didn't put things
together.  I didn't even ask him because I didn't think it was something I
needed to know.  It was only when you looked so upset that things began to
come together in my mind."  I tried to keep my voice soft and even so that
it wouldn't upset him anymore than he all ready was.
        It took some time to get the story out of him.  By the time he had
finished telling me about how his father had caught him kissing JJ and the
resulting beating and throwing him out, I was in a real quandary as to what
to say to him.  As he sat there, head on his arms and crying about how
horrible he was I'd finally had enough.  Screw the rules, he needed someone
to help him and the quickest way I know of doing that was physical contact.
Sliding my chair around the table I put my arm around his shoulder and
tried to comfort him.  Apparently that wasn't enough for him because when I
did that I quickly found him in my arms, crying on my shoulder.  Holding
him while his body was racked with sobs wouldn't solve his problems but
maybe it would calm him enough to allow me to reason with him and help him
to see he wasn't the horrible person his father had told him he was when he
pitched him out the door and onto the lawn.  Until he could start to come
to terms with that he was incapable of being helped.  While I continued to
hold and gently pat him on the back I wondered how best to help him.
        When I glanced up I saw Mrs. Webb standing there looking at us.
She didn't look like she disapproved, rather that she was worried about LT.
I knew I was running out of time before my next class and figured it was
going to take some time to work out some way to help LT.  Faced with those
two things I asked her to get Jerry to come help.  As she walked over to
the phone to call him I just continued to hold LT and tried to calm him
down.
        Jerry was all business when he arrived in about a minute.  It
didn't take me long to give him an abbreviated version of what the problem
was, leaving out only the part about Jason and the kissing.  Jerry's no
fool and it didn't take him but a few seconds to figure out that I wasn't
telling him everything.  When he nailed me on it I was forced to tell him
the information wasn't mine to reveal.  In a surprisingly short time he
talked LT into allowing me to tell the rest of the story.  I was surprised
at his reaction.
        "Oh shit!" shot out before he even realized what he'd said.
"Jason's absent today.  I was checking the attendance sheets when Shirley
called."
        Oh shit was right.  I hadn't even given a thought to JJ.  I could
feel the cold fingers of fear start clutching at me.  Those fingers weren't
as strong as the arms of LT.  I could feel him stiffen and his crying
stopped while his arms clutched me tighter.
        "Now what do we do?" I asked.
        Jerry thought a few seconds and asked.  "What were you going to do?
Call Children's Services?"
        "Yeah, I don't have anything better to offer.  Besides, Judy
Smelling will have some ideas of how to handle things."
        "Got your cell with you?"  When I held it up he nodded.  "I'll call
Jason's folks and see if I can find out anything while you make your call."
        I finished getting my cell phone out and then had to pry LT away
from my lap long enough to turn and get my wallet out so I could get
Mrs. Smelling's card with her number on it out.  I had to wait and try
again as the line was busy but in a few minutes I got through and was
explaining what I knew.  As I continued talking Jerry came back and
indicated he needed to tell me something.  Asking Judy to hold for a second
I nodded to him.
        "No answer at the house, her boss says she didn't show up for work
or contact him and neither did he."
        "Did Mr. James call in to notify them he would be absent?" I asked.
        Jerry just shook his head.
        When I relayed that to Judy she seemed to become more concerned.
She wasn't the only one.  By now I was really getting worried.  Not only
that, my next class was supposed to start in eight minutes.  I started
explaining to Judy that I had a class in a few minutes so she'd better ask
anything she thought she needed to know when Jerry interrupted me and told
me not to worry about that.  The next thing I knew he was on the intercom
telling someone, whose name I didn't catch, to fill in for me.  Judy and I
went on talking about what we thought ought to be done first.
        Suddenly LT started to pull away from me.  The way he'd been
perched on my lap had had caused me to have a pretty good grip on his
shoulders to keep him from sliding off and now that was making it difficult
for him to get off of me.  I handed the phone to Jerry and started trying
to find out what LT's problem was.  It took a couple of minutes to calm him
down and convince him I wasn't just abandoning him to some nameless system
where they would hate and beat him for being gay.  He actually seemed
almost paranoid about the world hating gay people and thought I was
discarding him so that he'd be on his own and living under the grandstand
at the football field like he'd done the last two nights.
        About the time I calmed him down enough to keep him from running
away, Jerry turned to us and asked if we thought we should go to Jason's
house and check things out.  When he told me that Judy had suggested it I
agreed and soon we were all in my old minivan heading over to Jason's house
where Judy would meet us.  Jerry was driving because I couldn't pry LT off
of me long enough to do it myself.  I guess he thought that I was the only
person in the world that wasn't going to beat him for kissing a boy.  The
way he'd fallen apart emotionally made me think he needed someone to talk
to and a little time to understand things.  So far his life had fallen
apart when someone found him out and he hadn't managed to get himself
calmed down.
        It suddenly dawned on me that I still hadn't contacted his folks
and let them know he was all right but since we were almost at Jason's
house I decided to wait and let Mrs. Smelling do it.  Guess I'm just a
coward and didn't want to take the chance I'd have to tell him his parents
were still mad.
        When we pulled up and parked, Jason's house looked deserted.  There
were no cars parked around and the garage door was open.  The house wasn't
anything elaborate but the yard was nicely kept up and things looked well
taken care of.  I just hoped that the trip over was a wild goose chase and
the fears that were running through my mind were unfounded.
        I'd just gotten out of the van when Judy pulled up.  Judy's in her
late thirties and about five foot four.  She's kind of dumpy and isn't what
one could call beautiful but instead kind of resembles one of those people
the commercials on the TV use when they're advertising home made cookies
from a mix, something I consider somewhat of an oxymoron.  I mean if
they're homemade, why would you need a mix?  Judy walked up and wrapped her
arms around him and in just a few seconds he let go of my arm for the first
time since I'd gotten him calmed down a while ago.  All of a sudden I
realized Judy just exuded motherhood. The soft words and sounds she was
using on LT even calmed me down and made me feel better.  When I glanced at
Jerry, he looked more relaxed.  It didn't take long until LT was willing to
step back and for the first time he had his shy little smile on his face.
I guess there's something soothing about a woman's touch.
        About then a police cruiser pulled up.  After introductions all
around we walked to the door.  A few times of ringing the doorbell produced
no results.  I finally just reached out and tried the doorknob.  When the
door readily opened, we then discussed what to do.  There was still no
answer from within and finally I just walked in taking LT with me.  The
place was a mess, things were strewn all over and it almost looked like a
tornado had struck.  I asked LT to show me which room was Jason's and he
led me down the hall and opened a door.
        I wasn't prepared for what I saw.  There, tied to the bed was
Jason.  He was face down with cords attached to each of his arms and legs
which were in turn tied to the corner posts of the bed.  He was naked and
his back and buttocks had been lashed until there were many places in which
the skin was broken and he had bled all over the sheets.
        LT let out a cry and bolted towards the bed.  Officer Rannaue
grabbed him and stopped him.  Judy grabbed her cell phone about the time
Officer Rannaue pulled out his radio and started calling his headquarters.
Things were a blur of activity for the next few minutes.  As soon as he
called an ambulance Officer Rannaue took a couple of pictures and then we
got a chance to check Jason.  I got permission to remove the cords and get
him loose.  There was no question that he was still alive as we could all
hear the whimpers and sobs coming from him.  They were soft, like he was
dreaming, but they had a tortured quality that, coupled with the vivid
scene before us, was heart rending to the point of almost making me
physically sick.
        As I cut the cords and tried to get them off of his swollen wrists
and ankles I started getting mad.  How could anyone do something like this?
I swear that if I could have gotten my hands on his folks right then I'd
have been charged with murder.  Not only that, it would have been a slow
painful murder I'd be charged with.
        I took longer than I would have thought possible to get all the
cords off Jason and by the time I finished the ambulance had arrived.  It
didn't take long for the crew to get him on a stretcher and after working
it through the door and into the hall, a gurney.
        When the ambulance left that left us standing there trying to
figure out what we should be doing.  LT was almost in shock and the rest of
us seemed to oscillate between shock and rage.  Shock that anyone could do
something like what we had witnessed the results of and rage at the
perpetrators of such actions.
        After some discussion Judy took LT and left and Jerry and I
returned to the school.  Lunch hour had started by the time we made it back
and when I made it to my counselor office and started on my lunch I didn't
have much time left to eat.  I still needed to find out who had filled in
for me and find out what had been covered but that could wait.  The number
of students that showed up wanting to know what was happening insured that
lunch was a rather hectic meal.  Rumors were rampant and I didn't feel I
could tell much about what had happened so about all I told everyone was to
wait and the principal would let them know later.  They must have
recognized how upset I was because no one pressed me about it.  Most soon
left somewhat more subdued than they were when they started.
        The whole mood of the school had changed by the time classes again
started.  The excited buzz about the team was no longer in control.
Instead, the students were about as quiet and somber as I had ever seen
them.  Today my classes covered the first two periods after lunch and it
was about the end of the first one that Jerry came on the intercom and told
the student body what had happened.  He left out almost everything except
that we had found Jason and he was now in the hospital.  Reports from the
hospital said he should make a good recovery.
        To the questions I got during class I just told them I wasn't at
liberty to discuss it.
        When the last or sixth period arrived I went to the office and
learned that Paul Crosby had filled in and picked up the homework he'd
collected and looked over his notes on what he had covered and assigned.
All seemed to be in order so I quickly retreated to the office in the
locker room and started grading papers.  I'd almost caught up when the bell
rang and the team started showing up.
        Practice wasn't as noisy as usual but they really listened and did
well.  If they did as well during the game we should have a pretty good
chance.  Our opponent was one that we matched up with pretty well.  In
fact, I thought we had an excellent chance of winning as long as we played
well.  Of course, that's why you play.  We should be favored but that
didn't mean we would win.
        I could see Corey wanted to ask some questions but put him off just
as I had done with the other students.  I knew I'd have to tell him but
figured it would be better to do it when we got home.
        Once he had the laundry under control after the practice, it was
time to get the Navigator.  I felt bad about getting rid of the minivan.
It had been my folks and had served both them and me well but was now much
past its prime.  Almost fifteen years and one hundred thirty-eight thousand
miles had taken their toll.  Throw in the wear and tear from hauling a
bunch of kids to Scouting events and school functions and it definitely
showed its age.  I probably should have replaced it years ago but somehow
the fact that Dad had picked it out stopped me.  I'd finally overcome that
and decided it was time for it to go.  None the less, it was like parting
with an old friend.
        One the way to the dealer I told Corey what we'd discovered.
Naturally he was curious about Jason and LT.  I tried to answer all his
questions but could only tell him what I knew and of course even that got
interrupted when we got the dealership.
        It didn't take all that long at the dealership until we were on our
way.  Boy, the Gator was a lot bigger than the old minivan.  Corey was busy
trying everything out and peppering me with question about both the Gator
and Jason and LT.  I was busy trying to figure out and remember all the
controls and still answer him.  By the time we got home he ran out of
questions about the boys and was down to squirming around checking the
Gator out.  At least I shouldn't be bothered with any more questions about
Jason and LT tonight.
        Wrong, I'd no more than gotten through the door when the phone rang
and it was only the first of several calls.  All the callers seemed to know
parts of the story and sometimes thought they knew more.  The only thing
was, most of what they thought they knew was not only wrong but just plain
ludicrous.  I heard stories about everything from what was almost correct
to wild ones in which Jerry and I had single-handedly broken up a large
drug ring that was using kids as runners.  Where in the hell some of those
stories got started I have no idea.
        Between talking on the phone and trying to cook dinner made it
somewhat later than normal until it was ready.  We had just finished eating
when Judy Smelling knocked on the door.
        When she indicated she wanted to talk to me I sent Corey off to do
his homework and art lessons and, after pouring her a cup of coffee;
started picking up the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen.
        Shock wouldn't even begin to describe what happened to me when she
started talking to me.  It wasn't about today but was about the background
check she had done for the court regarding the petition concerning Corey.
As she told of all the things she had learned, my heart just kept sinking.
I had no idea that anyone could ever find out a lot of the things she had
learned; things like what I called my bear when I was little, (Petey for
Peter Panda) to my sexuality.  Everything she said seemed like she was
stabbing me in the heart and slowly but skillfully turning the blade.  She
seemed to know everything from my grades to all my girl and boyfriends.
When she got to the part about how she had pondered long and hard about
what to recommend to the judge I figured the next thing that would happen
was the cops would arrive and haul me off.  In fact, it was getting to
where I wasn't even registering what she was saying.  I mean I heard the
words but somehow they weren't being processed in my mind.  I just seemed
to hear phrases, things like "When I interviewed your friends," and "The
evidence seemed to say one thing but when I looked I saw something else"
and "Your friends are loyal."  There were others like "When talking to
former students of yours," and "Your colleagues told me," and "Trust him
with my life."  Just a bunch of phrases that were all jumbled up and seemed
to make no sense to me.  I couldn't figure out why she didn't just get it
over with and tell me I was going to jail and I'd never see Corey again.
My eyes were open but I couldn't see anything.  My ears were hearing but I
couldn't seem to understand and the phrases just kept coming, more
disjointed words like "Jason told me," and "When talking to LT I was
surprised to learn."  Why wouldn't she just shut up and get it over with,
just put me out of my misery.
        I wanted to say something, to tell her that wasn't how it was but I
knew that was just how it was.  No matter how I tried to sugar-coat it I
was a pedophile.  Now I would end up in jail and my life might as well be
over.  I'd ruined it.  At least my parents were dead and wouldn't have to
see it.  They'd be so ashamed of me.
        I was frozen in place, unable to say anything or do anything.
Sheer inertia was holding me up, you know, a body at rest tends to remain
at rest.  I just couldn't seem to move.  While I'd known something like
this could happen, the suddenness of it paralyzed me.  The shock of being
found out had my mind in such a whirl that I had no idea of what to say or
do.  I just stood there at the sink with a frying pan in my hand and tried
to think of what to do or say.  It was no use, my mind was in such a
confused state that I just remained standing there holding that dirty
frying pan.
        I suddenly noticed she had stopped talking.  It seemed to take
forever but finally my mind recovered a little and began to process the
last thing she had said.  It didn't make any sense.  Why would she ask
something like that?  What was going on?  My mind must be wrong.  I
couldn't have heard her correctly.
        "Would you mind repeating that?" I managed to choke out.  My voice
sounded strangely loud and yet like it was coming from far away.  It was
almost like a voice from someone else.  I had no idea of why I'd asked that
question because my mind still refused to focus on any one thing.  It was
still such a mass of confusion that I had no idea of why I asked or what
the answer would mean.
        "I asked that if I placed LT and Jason with you would they be
safe."
        What was she talking about?  How could I keep them safe when I was
behind bars?  My mind refused to see any reason for that question.  Some
people just seemed to ask inane questions.  Couldn't she see how stupid it
was to ask that?  God help me and protect me from fools.  My world was
crashing around me and all she could do was ask a silly question.
        I noticed the frying pan had slipped out of my hands and not only
that, the sink seemed to be getting closer to my face.  I could hear my
breath rushing in and out.  I seemed to have no strength.  All I could see
was the sink; the rest of the world had slipped away and I didn't know what
to do.  I just wished I could go away and hide, maybe take some time to
lick my wounds.  I was lost and didn't know what to do.  I had no one to
turn to and ask them what to do.
        Suddenly I could feel an arm around my shoulders and a voice from
far off was asking me if I was all right.  All right my mind screamed.  Of
course I wasn't all right.  How could anyone ask that?  What was going to
happen to Corey?  Who would watch over him and try to protect him?  Where
would I be in prison at?  Good God, can't you see that nothing is right?
Life as I knew it was now over and nothing would ever be all right again.
How could I ever exist without Corey?
        The next thing I noticed was that I was in a chair and there was a
paper bag over my head.  I could hear a voice telling me to take deep
breaths.  I tried to obey and slowly I could feel my breathing slow and
settle into a more normal rhythm.  As that happened my mind once again
seemed to start working.  The only problem was that things still didn't
make sense.  I tried to go back and figure out what she'd said.  The
problem was there was still just a bunch of phrases floating around in my
mind.  It still made no sense.  The only thing that was clear was that
she'd asked me if LT and Jason would be safe if they stayed with me.  It
still seemed like such a silly question but I decided to try to answer
because I didn't have any idea of what else to do.  As soon as the bag was
removed from my head I answered.
        "Of course they'd be safe."
        I couldn't think of any thing else to say.  I still wasn't managing
to get everything she'd said put together in coherent form.  My mind still
hadn't calmed down enough to reason things through.
        "Good.  I know this is kind of sudden but the only space I have
right now is in a group home and I don't think they can get the kind of
understanding there that they need right at this time.  I know it's kind of
strange to ask you but from all I've been able to learn about you I think
you can probably help them come to terms with what's happened to them and
what's happening with them."
        As I sat there trying to get myself back under control Judy asked
me if I was feeling all right now.
        "I guess so.  I don't really know what happened."
        "I think it was a classic panic attack.  At least that's what it
appeared to be and you seemed to respond to the treatment."  She looked
kind of pensive when she continued.  "I've never seen one before.  We were
told about them and how to deal with them but you're the first one I ever
saw.  What happened?"
        "I don't really know.  Suddenly I couldn't seem to understand
things or do anything.  It's all jumbled up."  I didn't want to try to
explain what had been going through my mind.  For one thing I wasn't even
sure myself.  I knew I needed some time to sort things out before I tried
to explain it if I ever did try for an explanation.  For now I just knew I
needed to do something normal and try to get my mind back in order.
Nothing like this had ever happened to me before and I needed to think
about it.
        "Well, if you think you're all right I'll go out and get LT.  He's
been waiting in the car.  I don't know what you said to him today but you
made one hell of an impression.  He's been begging all afternoon to be
allowed to talk to you some more.  He claims you understand him."
        By the time she got LT and his suitcase back in the house I'd
pulled myself together somewhat and was considering finishing the dishes.
It was something I could do that didn't require thought and I was sure that
was all I was capable of right now.  Instead I showed him a bedroom and
told him which bathroom to use.  After suggesting he put his clothes away
and clean up if he wanted to, Judy and I went back to the kitchen.
        Judy started filling me in on her conservation with Mr. and
Mrs. Riggens.  It hadn't gone very well and Judy seemed pretty bitter about
their attitude towards LT.  As she was doing that I suddenly wondered if LT
had eaten dinner.  My mind was still jumping all around and refusing to
concentrate on any one thing.  An inquiry as to that brought a sudden look
of shock to Judy's face.
        "Oh my God.  I completely forgot.  We had a late lunch and it just
slipped my mind."
        Here was something I could handle.  I was sure he would be hungry.
After all, I don't think I'd ever seen a teenager who wasn't.  While she
filled me in on the rules regarding LT and Jason that I'd have to follow, I
looked through the refrigerator.  There was some hamburger and I knew I had
buns.  Maybe that would fill him up.
        While Judy tried to fill me in on the laws and rules I'd have to
follow I washed the frying pan and then started some burgers for LT.  My
mind was still a jumble of thoughts but at least I now could hear what Judy
was saying.  Things still weren't making as much sense as they should but
at least I was no longer spiraling into chaos.
        It's funny I suppose.  Here I was cooking and listening to Judy and
the longer it went on the better my mind seemed to remember what she had
said before.  I just hoped I'd be able to remember what she was saying now.
Then she asked if I'd be able to take a course in how to be a foster
parent.  Suddenly it sunk in what she'd been talking about.  All the
information regarding me had been sought during her investigation so that
she could approve of me for the petition and now was being applied because
she thought I might be able to help Jason and LT.  I was stunned.  I tried
to think back.  Had she asked me if I'd take them in?  Things weren't a
clear as I'd like but I couldn't remember such a question.  I definitely
couldn't remember answering such a question.
        "Excuse me," I said while holding up my hand.  "I don't remember
your asking me if I was willing to act as a foster parent."
        Her face was a mixture of surprise, embarrassment and I'm not sure
what else.  Her blush deepened and she seemed to be at a loss for words.
When the words started all the things she'd said now made some sense.
        "Oh God, I'm sorry.  I was so busy trying to explain what there was
in your background that made me believe you were the proper person for this
that I totally forgot."  About then she got a look of surprise on her face
before continuing.  "God I'm sorry.  Now I understand why you might have
panicked."
        We were just looking at each other when out of the corner of my eye
I spotted Corey.  I about broke into laughter when seeing him as he looked
almost like a bloodhound following a scent as he sniffed his way towards
the frying hamburger patties.  His eyes certainly weren't on us; instead
all his attention was on the frying pan.  Glancing at my watch I discovered
it must have been almost an hour since he'd eaten.  I started giggling as I
watched him homing in on the cooking patties and Judy's giggling soon
joined mine.
        When he finally noticed we were giggling at him he whined, "But
they smell good.  Are you making me any?"
        It was a real effort to try to keep my face straight as I answered.
"Those are for LT.  You've already had dinner."
        The sudden droop of his shoulders and the hangdog look on his face
was priceless. He peered into the pan and I could almost see the wheels
turning as he seemed to be counting the patties.  He got a puzzled
expression on his face.  I knew there were three patties cooking and
wondered what was going through his mind.  If he fell for it he'd have to
believe LT must be some kind of an eating champion.
        "But there's three..."
        That was too much for me.  I started laughing.  I was trying to
tell him that one was his when he interrupted.
        "You're mean," he snarled.  That was his standard answer when I put
one over on him and did nothing to stop my laughter.  Just as he stuck his
tongue out he seemed to remember Mrs. Smelling.  Glancing at her he blushed
a bright red.
        "Go tell LT to get his act together and get his ass in here.
Dinner's about ready."
        He spun around and started to leave.  Turning back he asked, "Where
is he?"
        "In the room next to yours," I answered.
        Judging by the speed with which he left he was either starved or
embarrassed about the tongue protrusion.  Our continued laughter would have
told any observers we were firmly among those in the embarrassed camp.
        Putting some plates on the table surprised Judy because one was in
front of her.  About then the patties were done and the boys arrived.  I'd
managed to slice some tomatoes and onions and those along with the lettuce,
pickles and usual condiments made for a do-it-yourself burger bar.  I put a
couple more patties in to cook while everyone else started building their
own.  As soon as the boys sat down the potato salad and chips also took a
big hit.
        I had to snicker to myself.  Corey wasn't nearly as hungry as he'd
thought he was.  About halfway through his burger he started falling behind
LT.  At the two-thirds mark he was whipped.  It didn't help matters when
the second bunch of patties was done and I made a point of telling him his
second burger was ready.  As LT continued Corey finally had to admit
defeat.  The spirit was willing but the stomach was full.
        LT was a real trooper.  About halfway through his second one he
started slowing down.  The last couple of bites looked like sheer agony but
he wouldn't give up.  However, the offer of ice cream brought only groans.
        Judy made me sign a couple of papers, the content of which totally
escaped me.  Telling me she'd be back tomorrow with more papers and some
booklets seemed to finish what she felt had to be accomplished for the
evening and she left.  About the time her car was out of sight it occurred
to me that I had never told her I was willing to be a foster parent.  What
a day.  Then it got worse.
        I'd cleaned up the kitchen and we were just sitting around filling
LT in on how we did things and what was expected of him when the fact that
someone besides Corey would now be in the house finally struck home.  Like
sledgehammer blows the implications of that pounded through my mind.  We
could no longer sleep together or be lovers.  I was stunned.  How could I
have let myself get caught in such a position?  More important, what could
I do about it?
        It was too late to call Judy and tell her it wouldn't work and just
as important was the fact that I just couldn't see myself kicking LT out.
He'd all ready been subjected to more than enough rejection and didn't need
me to add to his problems but how could I either solve this or learn to
live with it.  Even if I could learn to live with it, how was it going to
affect Corey?  Those thoughts were racing through my mind when LT left to
take a shower.
        As soon as LT was out of sight Corey gave me a somewhat lewd grin
and asked if I was ready for bed.  I didn't really know what to say.  I'd
just figured out the problem and didn't yet have any solutions.
        "Ahhh Corey, I don't think we'll be able to sleep together, at
least for a while," I said while nodding at the bathroom where we could
hear the shower.
        The expressions that flashed across his face were varied.  There
was everything from surprise to anger with some sadness thrown in.  I would
guess mine was no better because I was still trying to understand what
changes having Jason, as soon as he was out of the hospital, and LT living
with us would make.  I still couldn't come up with any ideas that might
lead to a solution, short of telling Judy I couldn't help them.  I was
caught in a trap of my own ideals.  I wanted to help people and now, upon
being offered a chance to do that, I was having not only second but third
thoughts.  The only thing was, those thoughts weren't leading to any
solutions.
        Corey was sitting on the sofa and suddenly there were tears flowing
down his face.  Not only that, he started to curl up into a fetal position.
I scooped him up and tried to hold him.  He wouldn't uncurl and the
chocking sobs coming from him about broke my heart.  I tried to tell him
things would work out, that it would just take a little time but it didn't
seem to make any difference.  The words rang hollow in my ears as I didn't
have any idea if things would really work out and get better.  I was
caught.  It was now a question of helping Corey or helping Jason and LT.  I
couldn't see any other solution at this time.  I just wondered if I could
live with myself when I explained that to all concerned.  I never wanted to
hurt anyone, only help.  Now it looked like I would be forced to choose and
I all ready knew which way I would choose.  It was just a question of doing
it and living with the consequences.
        To be continued...