Date: Wed, 01 Jul 1998 20:03:22 +0100 From: boburie Subject: Life's Journey This story is almost completely true. I did make the train journey as in the story and it is about me six months ago. However I was NOT going to meet anybody, just going to London shopping. That bit is my dream. Some of you wrote to me after reading "The Lift" and "The Train Layout" and that was real nice and it made me think I would send this one in too. I am 16 (well will be on 11th July this year) and I live in England and Im finding being gay not very easy. LIFE'S JOURNEY Nicky's mind was in a whirl. What on earth had possessed him to do it? Didn't he realise the danger he could be in? All the experts advised against the action he was taking. Yet here he was, on a train bound for Northampton, to meet a man he had never seen. Dan believed he was gay, just as Nicky did. Both went to Catholic schools. Both were shy. Both were terrified of their gayness being known. Both were sexually inexperienced. Dan was a newly qualified doctor, or so he had said, and, at 27, was 12 years older than Nicky. Was all this true? After all Dan was only known to him through the Internet. It could all have been lies. He hadn't even seen Dan's picture. He could be heading for a rendezvous with a violent pervert. "Wot you doin' in 'ere"? The harsh tone jerked Nicky back from his musings. The compartment door framed the bulk of the Ticket Collector "This is first calls. Let's see yer ticket" The self-satisfied look of a hunter about to spring a trap distorted the man's face. As Nicky blushed and handed over his ticket the man's elation grew, then instantly dissipated as he examined the first class ticket. With a grunt he handed back the ticket and retired from the assumed conflict, leaving the previously closed compartment door open. Nicky sighed and rose to close the door. Why do people assume before they know. He was 15, therefore wouldn't have a first class ticket. A second look would have revealed the truth. His 5' 7" frame was wrapped in the clothes of a wealthy boy. The pale blue Ellesse top was subdued by the brilliance of his blue eyes. The white Calvin Kline jeans were top of the range. The Ellesse shoes were just a few shades darker than his dirty blonde hair, which though not short, showed the signs of expensive care. Yes, a second look would have revealed him as one of the spoilt, privileged rich. That, too, would have been a false impression, just as his slight frame belied the fact he was a highly successful swimmer. His stepfather had money, plenty of it. Nicky's life style appeared very privileged. Designer clothes, large house, private schooling; but like so many kids in wealthy families there was no affection. His real Dad had died when he was 9, and the wound still hurt. His mother was still young and very attractive when she re-married. Unfortunately the beautiful bride came with an unwanted piece of 11-year-old baggage and Nicky had felt that way since that day. Nicky's thought drifted back to his first encounter with Dan. That night was etched deep in his memory. Terrified that something stupid he had done would reveal his gayness to the world he had panicked. He could see but two ways out, suicide or fleeing. A man in Holland had offered accommodation and lodging in return for him acting in some video productions!! The offer still stood and he chose that path. Arrangements were made, and Nicky informed his, then, only confidant on the 'Net. Of course the guy had tried his best to dissuade the terrified teenager, without success. It was when Nicky logged on, as promised, to say "Goodbye" that the Instant Message arrived from a complete stranger. Nicky treated it as a joke, some crank; but remarks about the Police and making of telephone calls froze him. That clammy cold feeling of fear gripped him: he felt sick. He knew all the time the guy was on the 'net he couldn't make any phone calls. For the next three hours Dan, for that was the guys name, played Nicky like a fish on a line. Very slowly he calmed him down. Carefully he got Nicky to open up about his fears. Finally he managed to find a solution that would enable Nicky to remain at home and cope with any problems that might arise, without revealing his secret. Nicky couldn't believe that a perfect stranger could care so much about somebody he had never met. Messages were exchanged; firstly by Nicky because he felt he owed Dan so much. However as time passed and Nicky realised how similar he and Dan were in so many ways, a bond developed. This bond had become real affection, at least on Nicky's part. He felt, at last, he had somebody who really did care about him. Eventually, after some very very subtle hints from Dan, Nicky agreed to travel up and meet him. Just for a short time, and in a public place. What would happen he didn't know? He had all the irresponsible hormonal urges of a healthy 15 year-old; albeit they were directed mainly towards men. But he was also very shy and nervous. Anyway Dan's muted re-action to the photograph Nicky had sent him was a strong indication that Dan was interested in a purely platonic friendship. Who could blame him, considering the age difference, and the illegality of the situation? There was another aspect. If anything sexual did occur then Nicky would have to admit his homosexuality to himself. Nicky had fought this one for over two years. Just a coffee and a chat, that's all Dan had suggested. Maybe Dan would turn out to be the big brother Nicky had always wanted. Nicky was jerked back into full consciousness by the sharp pain in his shoulder. Clattering over the points on the approach to Northampton had thrown Nicky against the carriage window. The pain from the welts and bruises as his shoulder hit the window made him wince and catch his breath. At least he had been able to talk to Dan about the abuse. Dan wanted to act, but finally realised how this would devastate the boy and restricted his actions to listening, comforting and counselling; though it went against his professional instinct. Nicky's stepfather just seemed to loose control at times. Nicky realised it must be stress. His Mum pretended not to notice. Nicky pretended it didn't happen. If you don't think and talk about something it is easier to pretend it doesn't happen. The train shuddered to a stop in the platform. Waves of panic washed over Nicky. Would he be there? Would he recognise Nicky? Would he be like his description? He remained firmly seated. Maybe better to remain on the train and go straight back home. No! Deep breath, he had to get this over with. After all he could make an excuse about the times of the trains and start home early. He left the train and made his way nervously through the barrier. He wasn't there! He knew it was a wind up. He turned back to the barrier. "Hello, Nicky isn't it?" The voice was soft, a little lacking in confidence maybe, but also warm. Nicky could feel the colour flooding into his cheeks as he turned to the source of the voice. "I recognised you from your picture, and the clothes you said you'd be wearing." He was just as described. To many Dan was a nice looking guy. Girls fancied him and nurses at the hospital chatted him up. Nicky's view was coloured by all the chats they had been through on the 'net; all the nights he had been in his dreams; all the hormones now racing round his body. The cropped brown hair brushed forward like George Clooney; those stunning green eyes, the gentle smile and the touch of colour rising in his cheeks. Dan was perfect. "H--H--Hello" stuttered Nicky, his face going even redder. "Calm down Nicky. I'm so glad you came, really" Nicky took the outstretched hand, a tingle running to his arm as he did. "The cars over there", indicating the maroon Golf VR6. As they drove off Nicky sat deep in the seat. Dan's nervousness betrayed itself in his chatter. "I was so scared you wouldn't come Nicky. I hardly slept all night. Mum thinks I'm meeting a girl. What was the journey like? Thought we'd go to a BK.. Was there anything special you wanted to see or do? What's your after shave? Like the car?" Nicky sank back. As Dan chattered he felt himself starting to relax. His fear at the meeting was slipping away. HE felt safe and comfortable with this chattering guy. He said nothing. Dan didn't notice, he continued with his short staccato sentences. Eventually they pulled into the BK car park. "What you want Nicky? My treat" "C--Could I have a d--double w--whopper and cupaccino please?" "Oh you can talk then" Dan smiled and put his arm round Nicky's shoulder and edged him through the door. Nicky felt something warm flow through his body at Dan's touch. The meal passed in a sort of haze. They talked about Nicky's school, his dreams for the future, Dan's work. They laughed at silly jokes and discussed clothes and music. They avoided anything sensitive. They finished eating at the same time. There was a long uncomfortable silence. A decision had to be made. One feared the asking, the other the answering. Eventually it had to be asked. "Nicky, I can take you for a tour of Northampton if you like, or you could come back to my home and listen to some CD's. That's unless you have to catch your train. Mum and Dad are out shopping till late" The Rubicorn lay in front of Nicky. He could take the cowards way and go for the tour. He could run, catch the next train. He swallowed, took a deep breath, coloured up again and finally managed to stutter a reply. "Ccould we go back to your p--place please" "I'm glad you said that Nicky. I know you're nervous. I can tell by your stutter and your blushing. . I am too. Your trust in me is very special. I won't betray it I promise" The short drive to Dan's home was done in silence. Both felt a combination of excitement and fear. Dan parked and locked up. He opened the door, stepping in and holding the door for Nicky. Nicky felt his heart stop as the door clicked shut. He was in an empty house with another man, who admitted he was gay. What on earth was he doing? "Nicky, could I ask you a big favour please?" Here we go, this is where it starts. Soon as the door is shut the pretence ends. Could I just give you a quick hug, to sort of say thank you for coming all the way to see me?" Nicky's relief must have been obvious. He smiled and Dan put his arms round him, pulling Nicky close. That's when it happened. The dam broke. Dan couldn't have known. How could he realise how much Nicky missed the hugs from his father? How much he longed for his Mum to hold him after he'd taken another beating. Six years of emotional neglect and physical abuse burst to the surface. Nicky buried his face in Dan's shoulder and wept, uncontrollably. Somehow Dan sensed the emotion involved and said nothing. Holding him close he felt Nicky's shoulders heaving, even though he cried in silence. For five six, seven minutes they stood there, Dan's shirt wet as Nicky's tears washed away the pent up emotion. Slowly, just as he had on that previous occasion, Dan calmed him down. Slowly Nicky re-gained control. Dan wiped his own eyes with a tissue, drying the sympathetic emotion that had welled within him. He then dried Nicky's eyes too. He bent slightly and kissed him on his forehead. Nicky flung his arms round Dan and simply uttered his name. He looked up into those deep green eyes. He smiled and reached up to kiss Dan in return, but this time on his lips. A long, lingering kiss. Dan returned the passion. Their bodies re-acted to the moment, and both felt the others physical excitement. Very, very gently Dan placed his hand on the growing excitement in Nicky's jeans. A long mournful sigh escaped from Nicky's lips. That sound could have risen from the very bowels of the earth. It was the sound of release. The sound of the end of self-hate and guilt. The sound of a young man accepting at last who and what he was, and feeling comfortable with the knowledge. Slowly Nicky moved his hand down to return the favour.