Date: Sun, 7 Oct 2001 14:39:35 -0700 From: Robert Just Robert Subject: Lost in fear-Chapter five Lost in fear Chapter five A home at last. The week passed quickly and I began to wonder what I would do when it was time to go back to work. I still had no idea how I could keep Jimmy and the longer he stayed, the more attached we got to each other. I must have looked really worried because Jimmy climbed up in my lap and gave me a big hug before asking gently. "What's wrong daddy?" He had started calling me that after the night I broke the news to him about his folks. I loved hearing it but, it only made my worries seem more real. "It's just that I have to go back to work on Monday, and I still haven't figured out how to keep you." I said sighing. "Well, if my mom is dead, then there is no one left, so you gotta take me." He said simply. "I wish it was the simple, Bear. The people who make these decisions don't usually give children to unmarried men." I said frowning. "How come?" He asked innocently. "I can't give you a good answer, Bear. It's just that some people would think that it was bad for you to be here with me." I wanted to be as honest as possible. "But, I love you and you love me. Don't that mean nothing?" He asked almost angrily. "Unfortunately, no. The people who run things don't care about love, only rules. It's just the way things are in the real world. I'm sorry, I wish I knew what to do." I said hugging him close and kissing his sweet face. "Sometimes I remember my Granny rocking me on her lap and kissing me like you do. It makes me feel safe." He said softly. "Granny? You never mentioned your granny before. Uh, is she still alive little buddy?" I said suddenly getting an idea. "Sure, she lives in Little Rock, why?" Jimmy asked curiously. "Don't you see, with your folks dead, your Granny would be your next of kin, and she could get custody of you." I said excitedly. "How old is she?" "She is old, really old. She can't take care of me." Jimmy said in an alarmed voice. "Exactly, but she could grant custody to someone else." I said thoughtfully. Jimmy looked confused then his little face lit up. "Yeh, Granny could give you custody. I know she would, she loves me a lot too. We have to go see her." He said excitedly. "Exactly. Do you think you could give me good enough directions to get us there?" "Sure, I know her address and everyting. I got her phone number too." Jimmy said almost jumping for joy. So we packed up the car and headed for Little Rock. The trip would have been quite pleasant if I had not been so worried about what I was going to say. I had considered calling first, but I could not find the courage or the words. I decided, worst case scenario, she would be dead or senile, so we would have made a trip for nothing. We arrived at Granny's farm around noon. Jimmy wasn't kidding, he knew exactly how to get there. It seems he had spend several summers on his Granny's farm and he said it was one of the best parts of his life. As we pulled up a haggard old lady appeared at the door of the well kept farmhouse and stepped out onto the porch. Jimmy bounded out of the car and up the steps, falling into his Granny's waiting arms. They both were crying as I walked up the steps to join them. "Land sakes, Jimmy boy. Granny thought you was dead. I heard the awful news bout' you poor momma and that man. I didn't know what had become of my dear Jimmy. I am so happy to see you. And who is this?" She said looking sharply at me as she spoke the last words. "This is Bob, he helped me. I ran away from them, Granny. Bob took care of me. He is nice. I love him a lot Granny. He wants to be my dad. He says you could help us stay together. Will you help up Granny?" Jimmy said as I stood nervously listening. "Slow down Jimmy boy. Let's go inside and talk. I don't know what this is all about, but I'll listen to what you both have to say. I'll fix us some lemonade and cookies." She led us inside and we sat on an old but comfortable couch. She went into the kitchen and returned with fresh lemonade and cookies. I decided that if I couldn't keep Jimmy, at least he would be loved here as long as his Granny was around. I felt a little better, but I had a empty feeling inside, like something had been taken from me, something that I needed to survive. I knew that thing was Jimmy. The thought of loosing him made me panic. Jimmy's Granny sat down beside her grandson and began to lisen as the two of us tried to explain. How could I explain that in a few short days, I had fallen in love with this boy and that I wanted to be his dad for the rest of my life. It sounded somehow ridiculous as I listened to myself explaining, but coming from Jimmy's lips it never sounded so right. Granny said little, occassionally nodding and patting Jimmy affectionately. "My grandson loves you a great deal." She said at last. "Do you know what it means to take on a youngun like him, to love and protect him forever? It aint something you can just enter into lightly and then give up when it gets too tough." "I understand, I promise I would never do anything to hurt Jimmy. I can't explain it, there are no words to explain how I feel. I never knew what I was missing till I met Jimmy. He has filled a place in my heart that used to be empty." Tears filled my eyes as I choked out the words. "Jimmy is everything to me. I want to be his dad. No one can ever love him like I do." "You dear soul. You are crying. I never saw a grown man cry before. You have a tender heart. I think you would make my Jimmy boy a good daddy. Not like that man my daughter took up with. I knew he was no good from the start. He caused my daughter to do things...well..that are best not discussed." She said looking very sad. "I tell you what. You and Jimmy can stay here with me for awhile and we will sort this thing out. I won't promise anything now, but we will see." She said thoughtfully. "I understand." I said composing myself somewhat. So Jimmy and I became house guests. Granny turned out to be a sweet old soul, and I wondered if she suspected what hell Jimmy had gone through. One evening after Jimmy had gone to bed, we talked. I found her easy to talk to. She was a perfect listener, making no judgements or comments as I spoke. As I explained how Jimmy and I had met, and what he had told me, she teared up and looked solemn. I continued, trying to explain how my feelings had grown and how I had desperately wanted to talk to his folks and what I had witnessed. She looked very hurt and I hesitated to go on, but she insisted. I guess she needed to know everything, to get some sort of closure. When I had finished she remained quiet for sometime. Then she turned to me and gently patted my hand. "You already are Jimmy's dad, you know. He thinks of you that way. I never seen him so happy. And if you make my Jimmy boy happy, then I don't see no problem with you having him. I'll call my lawyer in the morning. He is an old family friend and he will know just what to do." I went in to where my angel slept and gently wakened him. He sat up with sleep eyes and looked questioningly at me. I smiled and kissed him as I hugged him close. "Guess what?" I whispered in his ear. "Did she say yes?" He asked excitedly. "Yep, looks like you are gonna be stuck with me for a daddy." I said happily. "Yippie!" He said jumping up and bouncing on the bed. He jumped down and ran to his granny and hugged her and thanked her. He bounced back to me and hugged me close. We rubbed noses and I held him until he fell asleep. I laid him down and covered him up leaving him with a kiss. I headed off to my room and undressed quickly. I climbed into bed and fell asleep quickly. The next morning I awoke early to find Granny fixing breakfast. I offered to help and she gratiously accepted. She seemed pleased and surprised that I could cook. She said Jimmy would need good food to keep him growing. When we had everything ready I went to get Jimmy and met him on the way. His nose had led him to the heavenly scent of granny's breakfast. Hot cakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy,and hashbrowns, I had never seen so much food for only three people. Our little Jimmy ate like a little pig, and I found myself indulging as well. After breakfast Jimmy and I did dishes while Granny took a needed rest. She called her lawyer and he agreed to come out to the farm later that day. When we finished the dishes Jimmy and I went out to explore the farm. Granny had a hired hand named Mack who lived in a small house near the barn. He was a burly man around 40 years old and seemed like a good sort. He and Jimmy seemed to be good friends and I was pleased to see how Mack doted on the boy. I was glad Doty (Jimmy's granny) had someone to help her around the farm. At 80 she was a spry old lady, but she new that running even a small farm like this one was beyond her abilities. Her husband had died about five years ago and Mack stayed on to help her run things. As pay for his services she let him live in the small house and paid him a modest salary. She told me in confindence that she had left him a small sum of money in her will, to repay him for his loyalty. Mack showed us around the farm and Jimmy had to stop to pet all the cows, sheep and various farm animals. Mack went on with his chores and Jimmy and I went exploring. We wound up in the barn playing happily in the hay and finally we fell down in a tired heap. "I love it here." Jimmy said leaning into me. "I wish we could live here." "Yeh, it is nice. I've always lived in the city, but I think I could really learn to like country life now that I'm gonna be a dad." I said hugging him close. "Could we?" Jimmy asked grinning. "What Bear?" I asked not understanding his question. "Live here, I know Granny would let us." He said seriously. "I...I...can't just ask your Granny to let us live here, it wouldn't be polite. And besides I got a house and job. What about that?" I said trying to convince him and myself that it was impossible. But little boys don't understand impossible. It's one of the things that make them so adorable. Jimmy had a dream and though I didn't know it at the time, it would become my dream before it was all over. We went back inside after a few hours and took a shower and put on clean clothes and awaited the arrival of the lawyer. I was more nervous than I had ever been in my life. Jimmy, on the other hand, seemed perfectly calm. Granny was friendly and fussed over the two of us, asking if we wanted cookies or milk or anything. I was too nervous to eat, but Jimmy had some cookies and washed it down with a big glass of milk which left him with a white mustache. I dabbed at it with napkin while granny watched us, a huge smile on her face. She could see the love we felt for each other and it only enforced her decision to help us become a family. "Granny." Jimmy began. "Yes, Jimmy boy." She said patting his hand. "What is it baby?" "If Bob wanted to....could we live here with you on the farm?" He asked as I sat dumbfounded. She glanced over at me, as my face blushed red. "Land sakes, baby I would love to have some company around here. What does Bob say about this." She said turning to me. "I...I...well...Jimmy just sort of mentioned it this afternoon. I tried to tell him that I had a job and a house, but he just doesn't see that as a problem." I said with a nervous laugh. "You said you don't like your job. And you could sell the house or something." Jimmy said thoughtfully. "But, I have to work Bear. I've got some money saved, but it won't last long. I need to work to support us, buddy." I explained. "Bob, I have plently of money for all of us." Granny said suddenly. "When Henry died he left me with a big life insurance policy. I invested most of the money, that's why I have a lawyer. And the rest well, let's just say...I got more money than I'll ever need. It would be good having the two of you living here, and.....when I pass on to be with Jesus, you and Jimmy could keep the farm going. Henry would have liked that. He always hoped that Jimmy would come back here and live someday." Tears filled her eyes and she looked older and more frail. I moved over to sit beside her and put my arm around her shoulder. Tears were filling my eyes as I spoke. "How can I refuse....I'll think of something to do with my house. I never liked it there anyway." Jimmy joined us in a group hug and we all bawled until the we heard a knock at the door. It was Doty's lawyer, Mr. Jacobs. He was a fat balding man with a jovial face. His eyes literally smiled as he came in and we were introduced. Mr. Jacobs remembered Jimmy and told him what a big boy he was growing up to be. Jimmy grinned and looked shy. Doty served us lemonade and fresh cinnamon rolls and Mr. Jacobs ate greedily. It was easy to see how he had acquired his rotund figure. He nodded thoughtfully as we explained what we had in mind and he took some notes. He said he would need to get in touch with the authorites in the city and find out all the particulars, but he said that if their were no complications it should be a simple matter. We were all smiles as he drove away that day. I had my son and it looked like I would have a new home as well. I had decided at some point that I would sell my house and put the money aside for later use. I had got a real bargain on the house and it appraised at over 100,000 dollars. I would contact a broker friend of mine later, if everything went okay. For now it was a waiting game. Jimmy seemed so happy here, he had the love of his Granny and finally he had the stability that he had so craved. I smiled as he sat with his Granny hugging her and looking at an old photo album. I headed outside to collect my thoughts. I ran across Mack who was working near the barn. "Howdy, Bob. I see Mr. Jacobs was out. Is Doty changing her will again?" He laughed. "Nah, it's about Jimmy. I want to take custody of Jimmy. I want to be his dad." I said proudly. "Well, it's plain to see the boy takes to you and you to him. I hope it all works out." Mack said smiling. "There is more. Doty has ask Jimmy and I to live here. At first I thought it was impossible but, the two of them have convinced me that it would work. What do you think?" "I could use another couple of men around here." He said laughing. "I aint gettin' no younger you know. I think you and the boy would be real happy here." "Thanks..I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it too." I said meekly. "Shucks, I aint got not say. But if I did I'd be all for it. You two are welcome here as far as I'm concerned." Mack said extending his hand. I shook it and we both smiled. I puttered around the farm for a while and later as the sun began to set I sat on the fence and watched the majestic beauty of one of God's miracles. Then another one of God's miracles climbed up and sat beside me. We sat in silence holding hands, unable to find any words to describe the wonder that we were witnessing. I felt small and insignificant, until I remembered how important I was to the small boy beside me. I knew that God's wonderous plan had brought us together and no one could keep up apart. Hand in hand we walked back to the house, no longer boy and man, now father and son. End Chapter five.....next...A new life!