Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001 02:23:46 -0800 From: Robert Just Robert Subject: Lost in fear Chapter Nine Lost in fear Chapter Nine Jimmy's Birthday When I first met Jimmy there was some confusion as to his real age. I had guessed from his size and level of maturity that he was nine or ten. I considered myself to be somewhat of an expert in that area, but I had never met a boy who had been through what Jimmy had. Now, some boys in a similar situation may actually appear more mature, more independent, more emotionally detached. But some, as in Jimmy's case, actually become less mature, more child-like despite their actaul age. When I brought Jimmy to his Grandma's farm I learned his true age was eleven and that in fact he would soon be twelve. I was surprised at first, but as he settled into his new life and as his body got the nutrition that in craved he began to fill out and look more his age. He began to grow emotionally also since he no longer had to hide behind the emotions of a small child. He was now free to mature and grow as nature intended. It was with much satisfaction that I watched him grow and mature, but as all parents do I faced those mixed emotions as I watched my son grow up. Jimmy's body was more defined now, though he still had that tiny bit of baby fat that made him so adorable. His face still had the sweet innocence of an agel but he acted more like a rough and tumble boy these days. I noticed other changes in his body when on the now rare occasions that he wanted me to help him bathe. He had the soft whiffs of hair on his genitals that signalled a boy's entry into puberty. I wasn't ready for my little boy to become a crazy teenager in the throws of puberty, but there is no denying nature. One thing I have learned is, change is the only thing you can depend on in this life. You either embrace it or you get left behind. So, as the long summer ended Jimmy made plans to begin school. He had been out of school since I had found him that fateful night and since it was too late to enroll him when we moved to the farm, we let him wait it out until the new session began. Both Doty and I had tutored him each day and fortunatley he was a very bright boy. I believed he would have no trouble keeping up once he was settled in school, now that his home life was stable. From Doty I discovered that Jimmy's birthday was September 28 and with her help I was planning the biggest birthday bash any boy could ever hope for. School began on a hot August morning and reluctantly Jimmy met the bus with his backpack clinging to his strong young back. He smiled nervously as he turned to wave at us as we watched from the porch. It was hard to believe that this was the same scared little boy that had captured my heart only a few months ago. My life had changed as had his and we were forever a part of something new and beautiful. I felt the pangs of sadness and fear as Jimmy rode away that morning. We had never been apart for more than a few hours since we had met. I don't know which one of us was more distressed at this sudden parting, but I found myself sad and thoughtful as I went trough the day. I spent part of the day helping Mack, and the rest working on my plans for Jimmy's birthday party. When three o'clock rolled around I wandered down to the road and waited for the bus. I tried to pretend I was checking the mail so as not to embarass Jimmy, just in case. But my boy bounded off the bus and jumped into my arms despite the fact that a dozen or so of his peers watched from the bus windows. He chattered at ninety miles an hour as he told me about all his classes and all the new friends he had made and I felt my fears melt away. I had not really been so worried about myself as I had been about him. I was afraid he would not fit in, or that the other kids would pick on him. I chastised myself for underestimating his effect on others. His love was contagious and I had no doubts that he would win many new friends in the weeks to come. He talked a lot about a particular boy named Joe whom he discovered lived only a mile or so up the road. I ask Doty later if she knew the family and she said that he must me Lyle Skinner's boy. She looked thoughful and said that his boy would be just about Jimmy's age although the last time she had seen him he was in diapers. I mentally added Joe to the list of people to invite to Jimmy's party and hoped that by then there would be many more. I knew Dad was planning on being there and he had hinted that he had one whopping surprise for his grandson. Rex, Jimmy's yellow kitten had grown over the past few weeks and had endeared himself to all of us. He would often crawl up on one of us and fall asleep and protest loudly if disturbed. I had never really cared for cats as a kid, but Dad had taken his share of strays in over the years and somehow adopting Rex seemed appropriate. Jimmy loved the creature as only a boy can. In his eyes Rex could do no wrong even when he got into mischief as he often did. To me it was simple...boys, puppies, or kittens, if you loved one you had to love em all. I became less fearfull of my desires as I got busy with the day to day duties of being Jimmy's dad. As Miles had predicted, the Judge called us into his chambers one month after the first hearing and granted me permanent custody of Jimmy. At that time I petitioned to have his name legally changed to Jimmy Mc Kinney. I still remember the look on his face that day as he hugged me and called me dad, repeating his new name over and over. And with much pride he registered at school with his new name, making it a point to tell every person who would listen how he came to be my son. My heart swelled with pride each time I saw him interact with others. No longer the scared abused boy, now bright and outgoing and infectuously happy. He seemed to bring sunshine into everyone's life that he met and that I felt was a reflection on myself. I wanted nothing more than to be the kind of Dad that my own had been to me and to have Jimmy grow up as happy and content as I was. One evening after school Jimmy seemed especially quiet. He went up to his room and did his homework without being reminded and after supper went back up to his room. I was concerned but not overly so, I knew from experience that sometimes a boy just needed a little time to himself. I helped Doty do the dishes and she excused herself, saying she was tired and headed off to bed. This left me alone for the first time in a while and I was lost for some minutes before Jimmy came quitely up behind me and hugged me. "Well, let me see. Who can that be?" I said teasing him. "Is it my little bear?" I said suddenly turning and tickling the not so skinny ribs of my boy. He giggled like the Jimmy I remembered, but the look on his face seemed suddenly serious. "Dad, can we talk?" He ask so quietly that I almost missed the words. "Sure, buddy." I replied ceasing my tickling. "What's on your mind?" "Can we go outside and sit on the fence?" He ask in a voice so small and tragic that I felt a wave of alarm rush over me. "Sure, buddy. Anything for my little bear." I said trying to sound brave, although I was weak with worry. He let me take his hand and we walked the short distance to the fence. The sun had set long ago, but the moon was about three fourth's full, and here in the wide open it gave off a considerable amount of light. I studied Jimmy's face in the moonlight for some clue. He seemed so different tonight, no longer the earger self confident boy he had become. I waited patiently for him to begin, not wanting to force anything from him. "Dad." He finally began looking up at he moon. The light gave his face an eirie almost ghostly look as he spoke and I felt a chill run through me. "How come you never got married?" He went on almost sighing as he spoke. "Well..." I began. So this was what this was all about. Somehow he had guessed I was gay. We had never talked about it, but I guess at some age a boy begins to figure things out. Was that it. I found myself suddenly sweating. What would my Dad do, I ask myself. I had promised that I would be honest with Jimmy when the time came, but I never realized it would be so soon. "I never met anyone I wanted to marry, I guess. I mean I never fell in love." I said, knowing that while not complete it was at least true. "Why do yo ask bear?" "I always wondered what you were doing that night. I mean why were you out driving around down there?" Jimmy suddenly ask looking at me strangely. Here it was, he knew. Our life was over, he would stop loving me as soon as he found out the horrible truth and I had no one to blame but myself. Then I felt a sudden strength rush through me as I heard my father's voice. "Let love guide you son." and I knew what I had to do. I had to be honest with Jimmy, just as he had been with me that night and hope love would be enough to save us. "I was searching for something. A need that I have. I thought you were there for that reason at first. Then, it's like you said....God sent me to save you. I forgot all that other stuff when I saw your face, I fell in love with you at that instant and I knew I had to save you...to love you...to be your father." I broke down and cried like the pitifull fool that I am and he turned to me not in anger or disgust, but in love. He held me gently and I felt his own tears mix with mine. "I knew. But, I felt like you were different. I knew you loved me. I would have done anything that night, do you know that?" He ask through tears. "I never....." I choked out. "I never wanted you to do anything..I mean...I only wanted to help you. You have to believe me." I sobbed. "I know. I knew that you were really gonna help me, and not hurt me when you gave me that bath. I let you take off my clothes and I would have done whatever you said. I had been made to do what ever I was told. But, you helped me. You loved me and I knew that you were the one God had sent." He said smiling a little through his tears. "Oh, God....Jimmy. I love you so much. I couldn't stand it if you hated me. Please son, you have to believe me...I...." My sobs choked out my words and I wept as only the broken-hearted can. "Dad!" Jimmy said lifting my chin. "I could never hate you. I love you too." He said fighting back a wave of tears. "I just wanted you to know, that it's okay. I don't care what you did before. I know that you are not like the other's." He said as he barred his soul. I looked at him questiongly and he nodded. "Dad, there were other men besides my stepfather. He used to maked me do stuff with other men and they paid him. I got so used to it that I sort of forgot about it sometimes. He said I had to act really young and stuff to make em like me better. But, most of em wanted to hurt me. Sometimes one was nice to me, but they couldn't help me. You were the only one who tried." He said his face a map of all the emotional abuse he had endured. "Oh, God." I managed to choke out before collapsing into a spasm of grief. "It's okay Dad>" He said suddenly seeming more mature than I was. "Because you loved me, I don't ever have to do anything I don't want to ever again. Don't worry Dad, I love you more than ever. I love you because you are honest with me and because you care how I feel. No one...NO one...ever cared about me before. I'm sorry I made you cry Dad." He threw his arms around me and hugged me so close I feared we would topple from the fence. We sat for sometime in silence as i composed myself. Jimmy had long since dried his eyes. It was as if I was seeing a new Jimmy, one confident and beyond his years in muturity. "One more thing Dad." He began in a steady voice. "I think I'm gay." At first I thought I had heard him wrong and I muttered an incoherient "What?" "Dad, I think I'm gay. I know you are and I love you anyway. Can you love me if I'm gay?" He ask suddenly loosing his confident tone. I stared into his face and saw the fear there and I smiled to ease his pain. "Son, my father once told me that there was nothing I could ever be or do that would make him stop loving me. I was always amazed that he could feel that way about me, now I know why. So I am saying it to you. My Son there is nothing you could ever do or be that would ever make me stop loving you. You are the most important thing in my life and I will always love you." I said with all my heart. He smiled gently and stroked my face with his delicate hand. "I feel the same about you." He stated simply. "Let's go in now. I'm hungry." He said reverting to his former hungry little boy self. I chuckled as I jumped down and and put my arm around his firm shoulders and he leaned into me as we headed inside. Our love had endured one of the toughest tests of all and we had come out as winners. I faced the future without the fears that had once consumed me, for my son and I loved each other unconditionally and all that mattered now was that we were together. The Party Do you have any idea how much cake and ice cream twelve little boys can eat in one day? Well, I found out as the day of Jimmy's Birthday party finally arrived. As I predicted Jimmy had made many new friends since starting school and there would have been even more at the party had I not insisted that we keep it small...Ha! Joe and Jimmy had become best of friends spending more and more time together as their freinship grew. It was very common on the weekends for Joe to spend both Friday and Saturday nights and occassionally Jimmy would spend a night at Joe's house. I came to love Joe in time, once I got over the jealousy. Yes, I am human. After spending so much time with Jimmy I was lost at first when he began to spend more time with his freinds. But, I got over it quickly because I didn't loose a son I gained another one. Joe was a dark haired brown eyed cutie that could just melt your heart with his sweetness. He was funny and fun to be around and after a while I felt that he was my friend too. The boys usually included me in most of their weekend plans, after all they needed me to drive them places and rent the videos and games. But I knew that deep inside they did enjoy my company and I theirs. My fears of loosing Jimmy as he grew were forgotten now. The party was a smashing success. Besides tons of food and soda we had a clown, a magician and lots of games and prizes. Jimmy must have thanked me about a hundred times as he ran around tasting this and trying that, all the time dragging his buddy Joe around behind him. The two were inseperable. My Dad, true to his word did have a big surprise for Jimmy. About half way through the party he showed up in his pickup truck. We all ran out to meet him and suddenly Jimmy went crazy and began saying "Oh my God, oh my God." I looked questioningly at my boy and soon discovered the source of his excitement. In the rear of Dad's pick up with a big blue bow was a 125cc Honda dirt bike. Dad had not discussed the gift with me and I felt a little annoyed at first, but decided that as long as Jimmy kept it off road I saw no reason not to let him have the bike. It was a good thing the party was winding down because Jimmy couldn't stay off the bike long enough to do anything else. My Dad had purchased not one but two matching helmets, knowing that Joe would be on the bike as much as Jimmy. Jimmy seemed to learn very quickly and before the day was over he had somewhat mastered the skill of cycling. I had had several dirt bikes myself over the years and decided that now might be a good time to purchase another. There was certainly plenty of good places to ride on the farm and it would be fun. I didn't mention it to Jimmy just yet because I had another idea that I was sure he and Joe would like. The party wound down and all the guests but Joe had left for the day. It was Friday night and Joe as usual would be spending the night. Doty and Dad helped me clean up what looked like the results of a herd of wild horses running through our back yard while the boys took turns riding Jimmy's dirt bike. I was tired but happy as we settled onto the porch to rest before supper. I had suggested that we eat out , but Doty insisted on cooking for my Dad. I think she was growing quite fond of Dad, and I smiled at that thinking "Boy has she got a wrong number." "Dad, what made you think of a dirt bike for Jimmy?" I ask after a bit. "Do you remember your first dirt bike son?" My dad ask looking thoughful. "How could I forget. It was a Zuki. All my friends had Honda's or Yamahas but I had a Suzuki. I was so proud." I smiled in warm remembrence and knew why Dad had given Jimmy the bike. It was his way of showing Jimmy and me that he accepted Jimmy as his own. "He will never forget either." He said smiling smugly. I hugged my dad for a moment and smiled. "Thanks Dad, you're the greatest. But...it would have been nice if you had warned me." I added teasingly. "Would you have said no?" He ask suddenly attentive. "No, of course not. I'm as big a softie when it comes to our boy as you are. I just would have...I don't know. It's cool. Say, Dad what would you say if I told you I was thinking about buying a new bike myself?" I wondered why after all these years it was still so important to gain my father's approval in anything I did. "I thought you might." He chuckled. "I just wish Joe had a bike too." "Well, you know. I thought about that. I think I might buy an extra bike, you know just for company." I said meekly. "Now who's the softie." Dad said smiling widely. "Son, you have a good heart. I think Joe will learn to love you as much as Jimmy does." We were interrupted by Doty calling us to supper and I went off to fetch our boys. The only thing that could possibly have pulled those two away was Granny's cooking. They came running as the aroma of Granny's heavenly meatloaf wafted across their dirty faces. I had a hard time convincing them to wash up first , but minutes later the two appeared at the table looking almost presentable. The next half hour was filled with laughter and the sound of hungry boys filling their tummies. I smiled contentedly and felt that all was right in my world once again. Next....Joe and Jimmy???