Max’s Freudian Slip #27
Author’s notes:
A little shorter chapter to catch up Craig’s side of the story.
The next chapter of Awakening is also already started and I hope to have it out soon.
Continued thanks to J, my partner in crime who cleans up my writing and adds many ideas to enhance this saga. He is every bit as responsible for the past several chapters as I have been. This story would not be nearly as interesting without his input.
Please remember to support Nifty!!
Chapter 27
It was two days after “Operation Letter Retrieval” before I heard from Max. We briefly exchanged texts on Sunday. He saw the news story about the teacher who was arrested as well. He said it ‘freaked him the fuck out.’ It appeared the gravity of our situation finally sunk in.
“You understand now?” I asked. He replied that he did and apologized, again. It was still shocking to me Max could watch his father be arrested and sent to prison and not recognize the danger of sharing our secret. Did he think our situation was radically different? Was it just immaturity? Could he not see the big picture since he was so involved? Whatever the reason, I was glad he finally got it. I reminded him to let me know as soon as he heard something from Noah and then I excused myself to go work in the yard.
The neighbors returned late Sunday night. I would normally have gone over to hear about their trip while enjoying a beer from their fridge. But I couldn’t. It would just be too awkward if I was suddenly the pariah.
I saw Noah outside the next day when I arrived home. He was mowing the yard and waved at me like everything was completely normal. I wasn’t sure how to take that. He clearly read the letter and had to know what Max and I did in Mexico. Was he completely ignoring it? It just didn’t make sense.
I continued to avoid the neighbors just to be safe, but beyond that, my paranoia waned with each passing day. I was still worried of course, but my ability to focus on other things improved.
***
Lisa (Noah’s mom) was getting their mail when I arrived home Wednesday afternoon. She was at the end of our driveway and approaching me by the time I got out of the car. “Craig!” she yelled, grabbing my attention. “Got a minute?”
“Sure,” I replied nervously. I assumed I was about to be confronted.
“Can you come over? There’s something I need to talk to you about,” she said.
My heart raced. “Um, yeah, sure. Let me change clothes and I’ll be over,” I replied, my palms already beginning to sweat.
“Thanks,” she replied, displaying a very slight smile. “I’ll leave the garage door open.”
I took a few minutes to change, trying to calm myself and collect my thoughts. Was my best defense to play stupid and just deny it all? Or was there a chance she would understand if I came clean about everything? Her first concern would be her own kids, with whom I’d done nothing inappropriate. But then again, Max is practically one of her own. Stacy and Lisa have been friends since college and Max and Noah have been friends since pre-school. I’ve noticed her being more protective of Max than her own two at times. Being truthful was probably not going to be a winning strategy. I’d go with denial, at least to start.
I hated the idea that the Reeds might think I betrayed them by hurting Max. They are our closest friends. Jackson and Noah are our surrogate children and Emma and Rachel are theirs. I wish I had thought of all these things before I gave in to my lustful impulses.
I slowly made my way next door. Lisa’s car was the only one there. She was sitting at their kitchen island reading mail. “Want a drink?” she offered as she pointed at a stool across from her. The way she pointed at the seat felt like I’d been summoned to the boss’s office and told to sit down, about to be reprimanded.
“I’m trying to cut back,” I answered as I sat. “Where’s the family?” I was curious if she was alone, because if I were going to confront a neighbor about having sex with my son’s best friend, I’d probably not want my kids around.
“Noah went to a friend’s house. I’m not sure about Jackson. I haven’t checked Life360 yet. He tends to do his own thing,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah, I remember. Once they get a car they are never home. So, what’s up?” I finally asked.
“Well,” she began hesitantly.
“Oh fuck,” I thought, certain I was about to be fileted.
“I think Noah has mentioned his school trip to Europe to you,” she began. “Noah would really like Max to go with him next summer. Adam and I agreed we would help pay for Max’s trip. With all he’s been through with his dad, he deserves a break. We’ve always tried to do what we could to help him and Stacy. Max slept over here a lot when the mess with his dad was at its worst. It was good for him to be somewhere else. It also gave Stacy a chance to deal with the divorce and have time for herself.”
“I understand. I know you and Stacy have been friends a long time. It’s good to have someone you can lean on when times get rough.”
“Yes. And it’s been so good for Max to spend time with you. Craig, I can’t tell you how much I think your involvement has done for him. Stacy can’t stop singing your praises. His dad just never seemed to engage with him. She says the change in Max since you started mentoring him has been remarkable. I’ve seen it too. He has always been a good kid, but now he seems more grounded and confident, and more mature too.”
Her praise made me uncomfortable. Would she feel so positive if she knew the truth? “Er, thanks,” I replied. “Max is an awesome kid. I can’t fathom why his father never connected with him.”
“Well, between us, I always thought Rick was kind of a creep. I honestly never understood what Stacy saw in him, but she always seemed happy, so I held my tongue.”
“Well, it seems like your instincts were right,” I replied. If she picked up on Rick’s creepiness, I wondered if she ever had any such reservations about me, given how much attention I’ve always shown Jackson and Noah. “Anyway, I’m glad to help with Max. It’s a bit like having the son I never had. So, the trip?” I asked, deflecting the conversation away from me.
“Yes, about the trip. Well, Noah is signed up already. But they filled before we could get Max’s application in. They can add more students, but they need additional chaperones. Adam would rather claw his own eyes out than shepherd a bunch of hormonal teenagers half-way around the world. When I mentioned to Noah last night that maybe I could go, he made it quite clear that my presence would ruin the trip for him. I swear middle schoolers are the worst!” she added, shaking her head.
“He suggested you instead,” she continued. “You’ve been to Europe and know your way around. And kids love you. So, I know it’s a big ask, but would you consider it? Chaperones go free, so it is just your time. I asked Mrs. Reynolds - she’s the one coordinating the trip - if a non-parent could serve as a chaperone. You remember her, right? The social studies teacher… Anyway, she hesitated at first, but when I told her it was you, she was fine with the idea. She said your daughters were two of her favorite students, and she recalled you chaperoning Emma’s trip to New York.”
I remembered Mrs. Reynolds well. She has put trips together for the 8th grade class for years, only when my girls were in middle school the trips were usually to New York or Washington D.C. They hadn’t started venturing out of the country. Mrs. Reynolds and I hit it off well in New York. The two of us even snuck down to a nearby bar for a quick drink one night after we got the kids squared away in their rooms. It was no surprise she’d accept me as a chaperone.
Lisa pulled a piece of paper from beneath the mail and handed it to me. “This has all the details. Dates, cities, activities.”
To say I was relieved would be an understatement. I expected an awkward confrontation. I glanced over the page. Two weeks in June 2020. London, Paris, and Barcelona. I wasn’t sure what to think. Noah knows I had sex with his best friend and he still wants me to chaperone him to Europe? It’s illogical. “Maybe I’ll have a drink after all,” I suggested, buying time to think.
Lisa walked towards the garage. “Summit I assume?” she asked, knowing my preferences.
“Please,” I answered. I wasn’t sure what to do. I would love to take Noah, Max, and some of their cute classmates to Europe. If I hadn’t gotten myself into this current jam, I would have jumped at the opportunity. My mind immediately went to what horny middle-school boys might do unsupervised in a hotel room. I could see three of them naked on the bed, sucking each other in a train of head. I made myself drop the thought before I started tenting my shorts.
The problem with committing to doing this, of course, is how horrific it would look should the details about Max and I become public. I could just imagine the parents learning that one of the approved chaperones was a pervert. It would be terrible optics for the teachers organizing the trip. It would be bad enough if my misdeeds destroyed the lives of Max, Stacy, and my own family. I didn’t need to add Noah’s family and some well-meaning teachers as collateral damage. I was also concerned how Max might behave on the trip. Would he be too affectionate towards me? Would he assume it was okay to resume our sexual activities since we were out of the country again? There were too many things up in the air to commit to this right now.
Lisa returned with my beer. “Well? What do you think?”
“I’d love to do this,” I answered. “But I might have issues being gone from work that long. We have some big projects installing next summer. The timing might be difficult. And I’ll naturally need to see what Kim thinks. Who knows though? Maybe both of us could go… if I can work around the job conflicts that is.” I figured it was a good excuse to hold her off for a while.
“Well, just keep it in mind, okay? I’d even give you drink money for the pub,” she added, raising her own Corona in toast.
I managed to make small talk while I finished my pilsner. Lisa told me about their weekend on the lake in Wisconsin. She mentioned that she and Adam would be celebrating their anniversary. They were spending Saturday night at a nice hotel downtown. “Will you be around Saturday? If so, can you keep an eye on the house and make sure the boys don’t throw a triple kegger?” she asked in jest.
Neither Jackson or Noah were the type to throw a wild party, so I didn’t think she had much to worry about. A lot of parents wouldn’t dare leave their teenage sons home alone, but Adam and Lisa have always trusted Jackson and Noah to be responsible and they’ve not done anything yet to break that trust. They’ve asked us to ‘be around’ a few times before, but we’ve never needed to intervene. “Sure, we’ll keep an eye out. But I really don’t think you have much to worry about,” I told her.
“I know, they are good boys. But it is the last weekend of summer and Jackson has become more social since he started driving. Adam and I will be able to enjoy ourselves better knowing you and Kim are around, just in case.”
***
The next day, I finally heard from Max. It had been four days since we texted. It was the longest we’d gone without some interaction since the beginning of the year. This was harder than I expected. I’d grown accustom to his presence and I missed him deeply. I know it was my idea to have less contact, but I didn’t realize it would be this difficult. It is almost like a part of me is missing. It’s a lot like when I’ve been away from my own daughters for an extended period, only I was pining for him after just four days! I wondered if he felt the same way.
Just seeing a text from him on Thursday brought a smile to my face. I had just gotten out of a long, difficult meeting and seeing his message immediately erased some of the tension. It was a short message: “Hi Craig, I have news for you.”
“Good news or bad news?” I asked. I nervously held my phone. My heart raced as I anticipated his reply. The ellipsis indicating that he was typing seemed to start and stop several times. It was maddening.
Finally, his reply popped up on the screen. “Mostly good,” it said. “Can we go to dinner tonight?”
“Sure,” I answered. “I’ll be home by 6. I’ll change and come get you.”
“I’m at Noah’s! Just let me know when you are home and I’ll come over,” he answered.
The fact that Max was hanging out at Noah’s sure seemed like a good sign, though I couldn’t figure out what the good news could possibly be. Was it possible that Noah knew, but didn’t care? That seemed unlikely, though Noah always was very open-minded and tolerant. I guess it was possible, but the suspense was killing me. I barely got anything done the rest of the afternoon. I knocked off early, unable to wait any longer.
I arrived home almost an hour earlier than planned. I texted Max and told him I was home. A few minutes later he was at my door. Just seeing him made me happy. “You’ve got good news I hope,” I said.
“Yes. I think so. I’m starving. Noah and I were swimming all afternoon. Can we take off? I’ll fill you in while we drive,” he answered.
“Okay. How about that Thai place?” I suggested. “It’s never too crowded and we should be able to talk. You know, the one we went to with...” I continued, before cutting myself off. It was the restaurant we had been to with Cam. It was stupid of me to bring him up. “Or on second thought, how about we just get a secluded table Applebee’s? It’s too early to be crowded.”
“I don’t care where we eat,” Max replied as we walked to the car. “I’m just glad to be with you.”
***
“So, what’s the news?” I asked as we backed out the driveway. “The suspense is killing me.”
“Well, first, Noah didn’t read the letter,” he said.
“Really? What about the tape?” I asked. Was Max being naive, believing a line of bullshit from Noah?
“He said it was starting to come open by the time he got home. He taped it up because he was afraid that Cam might think he read it.”
“No shit? Are you sure he’s not just saying that?”
“He’s not. I’m positive,” he answered emphatically.
“Wow Max! That’s fantastic. I was certain he knew. That explains why Noah and his parents were acting like nothing was wrong,” I added.
“Well, Noah didn’t read the letter. But he does know,” he answered.
“What? How? You told him?” I replied. After dodging the bullet with the damn letter, would Max have seriously screwed up this badly again by telling Noah? Frustration began to build.
“I didn’t! Cam did. Noah hung out with him yesterday,” he explained. “He went there to try to get him to talk to me again and Cam told him everything.”
“Jesus! I thought you had good news Max,” I answered with a frown. That knot in my stomach began to return. How could he think any of this was a positive development? Cam sharing our secret seemed like a negative development, no matter who he told.
“It is good news, really. We already assumed Noah knew, right? He does, but he didn’t open my letter and read it. That mean’s something right?”
“Just that he’s the good friend you thought he was. It doesn’t really help us out though, does it? We’re still back to the same spot we thought we were in.”
“Not exactly. Noah stood up for both of us! He defended you and told Cam that you never tried anything with him. AND he asked him to keep our secret. He said Cam agreed.”
“I don’t get it. Why would Noah do that? And why the hell would Cam agree to it?”
“He saw what happened with my dad and you know how much Noah likes you. He doesn’t want to see you or your family destroyed. Plus, I made it very clear that it was me who started it all. I basically told him I seduced you. He already assumed I wouldn’t have let you force me into anything.”
I was dumbfounded. On one hand, I was proud of Max for taking responsibility and trying to protect me. On the other, I felt guilty that he was even in a position that he felt compelled to. He might have started things, but I wouldn’t exactly describe it as seduction. You can’t seduce someone who was as willing as I was. I was also disappointed in myself for assuming the worst about Noah, who has never been anything but honest and reliable his entire life.
“So, you basically confirmed everything that Cam told him?” I asked, somewhat perturbed.
“I tried to play it off like Cam was making it all up at first,” he answered. “But you know how bad of a liar I am. Noah called me out on it, just like you do. That’s when I told him it was all my idea.”
“Okay, that explains Noah, but I don’t get why Cam is so willing to keep quiet.”
“You know that news story we both saw? About the guy getting arrested.”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Well, the guy was a teacher at Cam’s school. And the boy was in Cam’s class. I guess the whole school is shitting all over him, calling him a faggot and blaming him for getting the teacher in trouble. The teacher was really popular.”
“Holy shit,” I replied. “I didn’t realize it was Cam’s school.”
“Me either,” he replied. “I avoided the story. It hit a little too close to home. Anyway, Cam feels bad for the kid. According to Noah, Cam has tried to give him some support, but it sounds like he’s the only one. Cam told Noah he doesn’t want me to go through something like that.”
“Hmm, at least it’s a sign he still cares about you. Did Noah convince him to talk to you so you can apologize?”
“No. He’s still mad as fuck with me. But Noah said he will keep trying.”
“I’ll cross my fingers and say a prayer for you,” I told him. “Hopefully he will come around.” I would be so happy for Max if he and Cam reunited, but it seemed unlikely. Cam is too stubborn. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was probably a lost cause. At this point, I was hoping they could be amicable.
Max falls hard and feels emotions intensely, whether highs or lows. I realized he is going to have to learn to moderate his feelings as he matures. I just wish it wasn’t so hard for me to watch him go through these growing pains.
***
Over dinner, we discussed other topics. “I think I might give up gymnastics,” Max confided in me just after we ordered.
“Max! Why?” I asked, alarmed. He was so talented and I knew he loved the sport.
“I dunno. It’s just going to be so awkward being around Cam.”
“THAT is not a reason to give up something you love,” I responded sternly. “You’ve being doing gymnastics for what, nine or ten years? You are just going to throw that all away?”
“Maybe,” he shrugged. “I’m just not motivated right now.”
“Max, get ahold of yourself. I understand how you feel. It’s like you’ve been punched in the gut. I feel it too. It’s hard to get motivated to do much of anything right now. But it will pass. This might resolve itself soon and then you’d be sorry you made such a rash decision.”
He looked at me, unsure. I continued. “You could always change gyms if you had to, right?”
“I could, but this is really the only gym at a high enough level. I’d be wasting time with other coaches. Beside I like my coaches, a lot. And my teammates, too. Even Cam,” he added, sighing.
“See? I don’t think you really want to give it up. Who knows? Maybe being around Cam will help him come around. Make him remember how things were. How long do you have until practices start?”
“Two weeks,” he answered.
“Okay then. For two weeks, decide nothing. Please hold off deciding anything until we talk again. Promise?”
“I promise,” he said. “Thanks.”
***
“So, what you have been up to the past few days,” I asked between bites of my chicken sandwich.
“Well, you know I had Spencer spend the night, right?”
“Yes. Did you behave yourself?”
“With Spencer? Hell no! He’s the horniest kid in Minnesota. We messed around a little,” he answered, smiling.
I immediately pictured Spencer naked, getting his bald uncut cock sucked by Max. Max’s prior description of Spencer’s boyhood allowed me to paint a very vivid picture. As much as I wanted to ask for details, I contained myself. “Okay, but what have you been up to since then?”
“Well, you remember Joshua?” he asked. “From Mexico?”
“Yeah, of course. Why?”
“Well, I’ve been talking with him some. I think it’s a sure thing he likes boys.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
He leaned over to me and whispered. “He asked me what it was like to be fucked and asked me to show him how to play with his butt.”
“And you did?” I asked, disapprovingly.
“Hey, it was HIS idea,” he replied. “We FaceTimed. He really got into it. He has this little light saber toy he uses. It’s kind of funny. Remember how I told you in Mexico his foreskin was super tight?” I nodded. “Well, he’s been playing with himself so much since he got home that it is loose now.”
I sighed. “Isn’t he a little young for you?” Joshua seemed so small and about as non-sexual as a boy can get. As soon as I asked, I felt like a hypocrite. Who am I to judge? Also, a few months ago I was encouraging Max to explore sexual stuff and now I am chastising him for it.
“He IS twelve you know, just small. He’s not even two years younger. Besides, I don’t think of him like that. It’s more like having a little brother you take under your wing. I like teaching him new things and see him discover himself. I feel like I took on that job in Mexico and now I don’t want to let him down. He doesn’t have anyone he can talk to about this stuff. He doesn’t have a dad or a brother. I’m not even sure he has many friends. And, it is kind of hot watching him do something for the first time and really get off on it.”
Max’s longing to be a big brother resonated with me. It was exactly the feeling I had when I was a teen and first started being attracted to younger boys. He was still treating sex cavalierly and with him latching onto the big brother feelings, I worried he was starting down the path of becoming a boy lover without realizing it. I was also feeling ashamed that our sexual relationship might have cemented that future for him. It’s exhausting living with underage attractions, and a terrible thing to know I might be responsible if Max ends up struggling with the same demons I’ve fought my entire adult life.
“You know Max, you need to be careful. Those are the kind of thoughts I had when I was your age and I never managed to stop thinking about stuff like that. And see where it got me? I get why you like it, but please, make sure you are mostly focused on boys your age, or older. And by that, I mean they better at least be in middle school. And next year, when you go to high school, you probably should stick to kids in 8th grade or higher.”
“Don’t worry Craig,” he assured him after a long pause. “Joshua’s foreskin is cool and watching him finger his tight hole was hot, but I really like older, hairy guys more anyway. You know, really OLD guys like you,” he whispered, grinning. “I like the feeling of being like a big brother for Joshua. It gives me satisfaction knowing I’m helping him. It’s more about that than the sex, honest.”
“Just be careful Max. Okay?” I really hoped he would take my advice to heart. I would feel guilty if he followed in my footsteps, especially since my actions might have helped push him in that direction. His mom would be crushed if Max ever got caught with a young boy. Would she wonder if Rick molested Max too? Or might she speculate if there was some genetic predisposition for Max to be attracted to minors? I pondered that myself. If Max was genetically predisposed, did I essentially seal his fate by encouraging him to play with boys at a young age and then joining in myself?
***
We were on the way home when Max brought up a new topic. “Remember the thing with Armando?” he asked.
“Sure. I’m still pissed about that. What about it?”
“Well, I had this crazy thought. But it’s probably just another one of my stupid ideas, like writing letters.”
“What is it? Maybe it’s not as dumb as you think,” I replied. I was curious what he concocted.
“Well, If Cam does tell about us, what if I tell people I lied to him about it being you? And that the ‘real’ story is I didn’t get away from Armando and he fucked me. I could say I was too ashamed to admit I let him do that to me, so I made up that we did it instead, thinking Cam wouldn’t mind. But then it all backfired when he dumped me.” He paused. “Pretty stupid idea, huh?” he asked sheepishly.
It was a stroke of genius. It was plausible. Max would want to explain how he learned our favorite sex position, but a teenage boy would likely be too ashamed to admit he let someone force him into it - especially someone as physically strong as Max. He might also be humiliated by enjoying it.
“Actually,” I replied. “That’s not a bad plan at all. You might want to add that you must have liked it because he made you cum, and that added to your shame.”
“Really?” he answered, surprised. “I was sure you’d say it was another dumb idea.”
“Oh, it’s a long shot. But it makes just enough sense that it could muddy the water sufficiently to keep us out of trouble. Of course, it was more likely to work when it was just Cam who knew. Now that you’ve admitted the truth to Noah, it might be tougher to sell.”
“Fuck! I didn’t think of that.”
“It’s okay. It sounds like Noah is on our side, for now. Being honest with him was probably the best approach. He won’t stay with us if he thinks he’s being played.”
“True. Noah really is a great friend,” he replied.
“He’s a great kid. He’s loyal, that is for sure. Let’s hope he stays that way.”
***
When we got back to Max’s house, we embraced in the car. “Goodnight Max. I love you bud,” I told him as I squeezed him tight. The feeling of him back in my arms triggered an avalanche of good feelings.
“Love you too Craig. Thanks,” he answered, as he pressed into me, seeking more affection. I’m not sure what came over him, but I suddenly felt his lips pressing against mine. Perhaps being physically close reminded him of Mexico as well. Initially I kissed him back, almost instinctively. But when I felt him press his tongue into my mouth, I quickly pushed him away. “Sorry,” he said, immediately apologizing.
“It’s okay. It’s not that I minded what you started, but I’m afraid where that might lead us. If we start kissing, it may steam roll and neither of us will be able to control ourselves. I don’t think we need to add to our troubles.”
“Yes, sir,” he replied. “I understand.” He looked dejected, or perhaps embarrassed. I liked that he addressed me as ‘Sir.’ I took it as a sign he was taking me more seriously.
We hugged again, this time I gently kissed him on the forehead. “Goodnight Max.”
“Goodnight.”
As I watched him walk into his house, I thought to myself, “God, I love this kid!” It’s not just that he is attractive or that I got to watch his cute little butt as he walked away, either. There is so much more to it. I love his passion. I love his loyalty. He truly is the son I never had.
***
I’d been home a little over an hour when I received a text from Max. I was sitting at the computer with a glass of wine, unwinding and catching up on the day’s events, my mood buoyed by the quality time spent with Max. “Can I call you?” his message read.
It was an odd way for Max to start a text conversation. I surmised something was wrong. I immediately called.
“Hi,” he answered, softly. His somber tone told me instantly that his mood had changed dramatically since I dropped him off. I know it’s a lot to infer from one spoken word, but I had a feeling he was in tears.
“What is it Max? Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Sorta,” he mumbled.
“You sound upset. What is it? Did something happen with Cam?” I asked, fearful there were negative developments.
“No, that’s not it,” he answered. “I got a letter from my dad.”
“Oh,” I answered, realizing this was a new wrinkle. Max rarely brings up his father. This was the first he’s even alluded to him since his sentencing. I always avoided asking about Rick, as it seemed like a sore subject. Max shares practically everything with me, so the fact he rarely broaches the topic of his father made this especially surprising. Could Rick have been upstate for months and this was his only attempt to contact Max?
“It seems like something about the letter has you upset. What is it bud?” I asked.
He took a deep breath. “I dunno. Lots of things. I feel like I should miss him but I don’t - at all. Craig, do you think it’s possible I was supposed to be born a girl?”
“What?” I asked, confused. What would make him think that? “Why would you even ask that?”
“Just a thought I had. I mean if I were a girl and I liked boys, I’d be normal, right? And maybe if I were a girl, my dad would have liked me more. Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten himself into trouble if he had a daughter at home, instead of me.”
I was aghast. Max has a tendency towards self-loathing, but ‘if only I had been born a girl so my dad would have molested me instead of our friend’s daughters’ was taking it to a new level.
“Hold on,” I answered. I was afraid Kim might overhear what I was about to say. “Sorry, had to close the door. Max, it’s typical for kids your age to blame themselves for everything that happens around them. You are NOT responsible for your dad’s actions, or mine for that matter.”
“I’m not really blaming myself. I was just wondering if everything would be different,” he replied.
“Yes, you are! You are practically twisting yourself in knots to come up with a way to take the blame. Even if you had been a girl, there’s no guarantee things would be different. In fact, it could be a lot worse. What if you were Maxine and he was too affectionate with you? That can mess a kid up too, you know? You are absolutely perfect just the way you are,” I said. Other than being a little impulsive - which is hardly rare for a 14-year-old - I couldn’t think of any other ways Max could be better. He is certainly not the typical selfish middle-schooler.
Whatever was in this letter really threw him for a loop. I thought a little laughter would help. “And besides, you would look very funny in a dress. I just can’t imagine you with boobs.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he replied. “I would look kinda funny.”
“Right. And, listen, there is nothing abnormal about being gay either,” I began. Max inferring his attractions to boys would be more normal if he was a girl surprised me. It is 2019. He is part of the generation that I thought was growing up believing that being gay was every bit as normal as straight. But then I quickly realized that coming out can still be scary and stressful. It is less controversial now, but there are still those who are unwilling to accept it. The boy at Cam’s school getting called a fag because his teacher preyed upon him is proof it’s still no picnic.
Then I recalled our conversation over dinner. When I chastised him over the things he was doing with Joshua, was I too hard on him? Might I have planted a seed in his head that there is something wrong with his sexuality? I needed to build him back up.
“You are a terrific kid,” I continued. “You’re sweet, smart, talented, caring, and loyal to those you love. Being gay is just part of the unique package that makes you awesome. There is nothing wrong with who you are or how you were born,” I said emphatically. I could hear him breathing, but he didn’t respond to my adulation. “I love spending time with you. You are one of my favorite people and you are a hell of a lot of fun to be around. Why your father couldn’t see that and enjoy time with you, I don’t know. I’m not sure what is wrong with him, but whatever it is, it’s his issue, and it’s HIS loss. I’d be proud to call you my son any day.”
“Thanks,” he answered, before sighing. “But there was something else, with the letter.”
“What?”
“Dad said some fags are after him. And the way he talked about them… he hates gay people. He will never be okay with me liking boys. And mom mentioned I could go visit him. I’m not sure I even want to, but I think she will be mad if I don’t. Just the way she mentioned it made it seem like I should want to. But I don’t. He’ll go ballistic when I tell him.”
I was irate. How could a guy who molested nine-year-old girls be judgmental about homosexuals? But really, fuck him. If he can’t appreciate Max, he doesn’t deserve him.
“You have to do what is best for Max. Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Don’t feel obligated to do anything, whether that is visit or even write back if you don’t want to. Someday he’s going to have to deal with your being gay, but there is no reason you must tell him right away. And if he’s going to be toxic about it, you might need to accept you are better off without him in your life.”
“Okay,” he replied. “Thank you,” he added, now speaking louder and more clearly, a sign his mood improved.
“I’m glad you called. I know we can’t see each other as much as either of us would like right now, but remember, I’m always here for you when you really need it. I know your mom loves and cares about you too. You going to be all right?”
“Yeah, thanks to you,” he said. “Goodnight Craig. Talk soon, okay?”
As I ended the call, I realized I’d been overcome with emotion as we talked. I truly felt sorry for Max. I knew he was hurting and clearly hadn’t worked through all the issues with his dad. No wonder he has a propensity for self-loathing. He was never shown the love a boy needs from a father. And now more issues are being thrown into the mix, with Rick being homophobic. It is infuriating to see a man squander his relationship with his son, especially one as wonderful as Max. More importantly, I realized the true depth of our connection. When Max hurts, I hurt. I can’t be content knowing he is in pain. Being unable to do more to soothe him was unsettling.
That wasn’t the primary reason I became emotional, however. Max called me when he was in need. He didn’t talk with his mother, who was down the hall. He didn’t call his best friend who has had his back since pre-school. He called me, someone he’s only known well for eight months. The significance of this tugged at my heart. Some of my attraction to Max has always been paternalistic. I think that is true with many guys who have attractions to boys, but this phone call elevated that aspect of our relationship. If you asked me prior to Mexico how long my relationship with Max would last, I might have recognized it could diminish after a year or two. But now? I realized I was in this for the long haul. Max desperately needs a loving father. I see now that he NEVER had one. I know we jokingly talked about me being his daddy, but I suddenly realized it wasn’t a joke for him, it was always real.
I swelled with pride realizing the need I was fulfilling for Max. And it filled me with guilt. What the fuck was I thinking? I could have this beautiful, amazing, rewarding relationship with this awesome boy. In fact, I do have that, but how brutal is it that I’ve complicated it – and risked it all - with sex?
Had I not taken this relationship seriously enough from the start, vicariously living through a young gay boy willing to share his titillating experiences? Much of the allure of spending time with Max was certainly paternalistic, and some of it was the fact he is truly fun to be around. But It was also in part because he is stunningly attractive; a beautiful specimen of boyhood who also happens to be gay. Had I subconsciously groomed him towards sex, not realizing all the while he was grooming me into his surrogate father?
While Max and I have always been magnetically drawn to one another, I don’t believe our current bond would be as profound had we not given all of ourselves in Mexico. Honestly, it was never just about getting off for either of us. What we shared was inherently love making. That doesn’t make it right, or appropriate, but it is true and it was mutual. As special as our sexual escapades were, might it still ruin something far deeper and more meaningful?
The tragic irony is that which brought us to the pinnacle of emotional intimacy could also be what eventually keeps us apart. Even if our secret holds and I don’t spend the rest of my life sharing a cell with Rick, will my succumbing to lust eventually implode our beautiful, platonic relationship? It is unfathomably unjust Max grieve the loss of two fathers suffering from weakness to the same predilection. It would destroy him.
One thing is certain; I can’t let that happen. If we manage to get through this dilemma unscathed, I won’t make the same mistake again. The prospect of losing or hurting Max makes my heart ache. Our relationship is too important - to both of us - to risk it further with sex.
** End of Chapter 27 **
Author’s notes:
Thanks as always for continued feedback (craigpnifty@protonmail.com)