Max’s Freudian Slip #41

by craigpwriter888@tutanota.com & J

Author’s notes: 

It’s been a while since we’ve added to Craig’s side of the story. Hopefully the three new chapters from Max have kept you occupied.

In the last chapter of Freudian slip, Craig blew up upon learning Max and Cam had texted (and sexted) with Max’s abuser, Chad.

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Chapter 41

I resisted the urge to check in with Stacy or Max until Tuesday evening. I figured it would be best to give him space and a couple days for him to reset. I have to admit, a part of me is a little worried. Every time we have any conflict, it’s a reminder he can ruin me. Still, the boy needs a father and that includes holding him accountable, even if it makes me anxious. 

Work was relatively busy and it helped keep me from excessively ruminating about Max. Kim made us reservations at a swanky new tapas bar, which was nice. Although I don’t derive much pleasure from our limited sex life, we are best friends and I genuinely enjoy a quiet meal together.

Stacy reports Max seems relatively normal. He’s not bouncing around joyously, but isn’t despondent, which might be all anyone could hope for considering the circumstances. She did mention he seemed a little down tonight, as Cam was absent from practice.

“Cam’s probably just sick. Do you want me to check with his father?” I offered.

“I don’t think that’s necessary. Maybe if he’s absent again tomorrow, I’ll take you up on that. It really did seem to affect him,” Stacy lamented. She still sounds genuinely surprised by how close and passionate Max and Cam are. In her defense, she did just learn about the romantic aspect of their relationship a few weeks ago. “Despite his moodiness, just like yesterday, he worked his ass off at gymnastics.”

I asked her to give him my regards and she confirmed that I’m still willing to get him to and from practice on Thursday. If she only knew how much I look forward to seeing Max anytime I can. That may seem pathetic for a grown man, but it’s the truth. I’m completely, helplessly smitten. Sampling the forbidden fruit may be inappropriate, but I sure appreciate watching it grow.

The confounding combination of paternal instinct, fraternity, and romantic attraction is deeply alienating — and utterly potent. Max’s effect on me is so significant that my life neatly delineates between Before and After. I know it’s inexplicable to society, but the intensity an enamored boy lover experiences is overwhelming. It’s as if the merging of so many different types of affection transform a relationship into something unique… something greater than the sum of its parts.

Whether my affliction enables a higher form of love that is pure and profound — or a perverse bastardization — continues to elude, exhaust, and haunt me. 

Perhaps I’m a unique case… or maybe other boy lovers understand completely. I suppose I’ll never know, since we all have to hide our true selves and exist in the shadows out of self-preservation. It’s not easy being something society doesn’t understand and universally reviles as monstrous.

***

Max received special dispensation and called me Wednesday night. I still melt every time I hear his sweet, eager voice.

He asked, very politely, if I could take him to practice early. Apparently, he and Cam are trying to work in extra reps while they’re grounded. I guess if you're restricted from pretty much everything else, it gets you out of the house (and if it happens to also be around your boyfriend, what a convenient coincidence!). It seems like cheating to me, but if Bob of all people is allowing it, who am I to object?

I agreed. More time with Max is always good. It will provide me an opportunity to reinforce how much I still love him, despite my disappointment with his recent behavior. He’s always so hard on himself whenever he needs to be disciplined. It breaks my heart he thinks he’s ‘bad,’ so having time to love on him and show I’m not upset is important. Spending time with him, as usual, will be the highlight of my week.

***

I dropped Max at the gym before returning home to catch up on the last few hours of work. I ran to Target but still made it back in time to soak in the sights of sweaty, shirtless boys working out. If it wouldn’t draw attention, I swear I would watch every night. They should livestream the gym and charge a fee. Of course, I’d miss the pheromones and energy they exude. 

Jeanine walked in just as practice was winding down. I was nervous she would bring up Cam’s grounding and press me for details. Bob managed to keep things vague, but you never know if she’ll try another angle. Thankfully, she didn’t bring it up.

Cam gave me a quick hug before we went our separate ways.

“What are you hungry for?” I asked as I walked with Max to the car, my arm around him.

“I dunno. Something greasy?”

Max usually eats healthy. He was unusually quiet on the ride over. That, along with his desire for a high-calorie meal, is a red flag. “Uh oh. Bad day? You’ve sure been quiet.”

“It’s been a week. And I’m worn out,” he replied. He does sound exhausted.

“Well, let’s get some food in you and we can talk,” I replied. “How about Frank’s or Tono’s? Their Philly’s and pizza are great. We can get froyo or something after.”

***

Max is fidgety and unsettled. He flipped through his radio presets twice without finding something to listen to.

“Are you ever going to land on anything? I’m getting whiplash with you scanning every three seconds.”

“Sorry. I’ll stop,” he grumbled.

I thought my joke was obvious. I reached across and patted his knee. “I’m just teasing. You know I don’t care what you put on, so long as it isn’t like death metal or drill rap.”

“Okay,” he muttered. He turned away, looking out the window. 

It’s clear he’s down. I know being grounded sucks, but there seems to be more to it. He worked hard at the gym, and he and Cam appear fine. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “You aren’t yourself.”

“I'm just tired,” he answered defensively. “Can we just listen to the music you insisted I settle on?”

Okay then. He’s definitely on edge but I’m not going to push. 

***

I’m hoping food will improve his mood, or at least his willingness to talk. I can tell when something is bothering him. I just need to get it out of him.

His cheesesteak is huge. “Steak, pepperoni, cheese, onions, peppers, and mushrooms? I’m not sure how you’re going to get your mouth around that thing.” Maybe humor will help.

“I have practice,” he replied, grinning before opening his mouth like he’s going to suck a dick. There we go, that’s more like him. 

I couldn’t help but smirk. “I guess I walked into that.”

I let him eat most of his sandwich in peace before probing. “So, why are you so morose?”

Food did the trick. Max started talking and didn’t stop until almost 15 minutes later. I suspected the boredom from being grounded was the issue, but it wasn’t that at all. His week at school has been full of stress and drama.

A girl named Mariah, who has always had a thing for him, amped up her flirting this week. She’s touching him and making him feel uncomfortable and even offered him a blow job. He tried to ignore it, but two of the incidents were witnessed by staff. Max got called into Mr. Tim’s office and spilled his guts. Mariah was livid about him telling on her and made a huge scene.

Max explained emphatically that he’s gay, adding in graphic detail the things he enjoys doing. Thankfully, it wasn’t witnessed by any staff members or Max might be in trouble himself. He thankfully reported that Mr. Tim, who seems not to miss a thing that goes on in that school, gave him a pass. “He told me next time to keep it PG.”

Max’s friendship with the Mormon boy, Liam, seems to be getting stronger, which sounds positive. I like Liam. He sounds like a nice kid who is well-grounded. He’ll be a good influence. 

Max needs to reduce his impulsiveness, as evidenced by losing it on Mariah and saying things that should not be said in public. While I understand why — the bitch accused him of faking being gay for attention and mentioned he came from a broken home — it gives me pause, considering something about us could slip out under the right circumstances. 

Max’s biggest news, and most shocking, is that he and Noah are in the midst of some sort of spat. Max reported Noah was talking about his being grounded at lunch and was acting smug, like he’s never done anything wrong. It set Max off and he said something about Noah camming with girls just as Ashley walked up. No wonder Noah is pissed. 

“I felt bad,” Max began, “so I tried to catch him the next morning and apologize, but he ended up getting even angrier and told me to fuck off. I gave it a couple days and tried to talk to him again this morning, but I swear, everything I say he twists into something bad.”

“Hmmm. That’s not like Noah. You guys were fine on Saturday when we went to Eggy’s, and now he sounds really angry. Your camming comment must have really bothered him.”

Max shrugged. “I dunno. He and Ashley seem fine. But whatever, I’m not even sure whether I even still want to be friends with him. I don’t know if I can trust him.”

“Seriously?” I asked, shocked. “You and Noah have been friends for forever. Why would you say something like that?”

“Well, I didn’t appreciate him snitching on me about texting Chad, especially without even the courtesy of a heads up,” he explained. “And honestly, I was pretty annoyed you didn’t tell me Noah tattled but found time to discuss my consequences with him. Which he then acted all smarmy about in front of everyone. It was embarrassing.” Wow, the switch flipped. Max is fuming. 

His sudden bitter tone caught me by surprise. Seriously, this is what is bothering him? It seems incredibly petty, like Max is looking for an excuse to be angry.

I tried my best to apologize and explain what happened. This is no reason for him to be upset. 

“I can understand your frustration, feeling like you’re being gossiped about. I’m sorry for violating your privacy. You don’t have any secrets from Noah, so I didn’t think it was out-of-bounds, but that was my mistake. If I have to discipline you in the future, I won’t mention it to anyone but your mom or Kim.” I paused to see if he’d react, but he didn’t. 

“As for Noah, I was trying to keep his confidence, just like I would for you or Cam. For whatever it’s worth, I practically had to drag it out of him. He was very worried about you; chewing on his shirt and everything. He was freaking out that you and Cam would be upset at him for telling an adult.”

Max wasn’t convinced. “Which, by the way, was absolutely the right thing to do, since you were both showing bad judgment and being unsafe,” I continued. “Besides, Cam told Bob, so I’d have found out what, a half hour later?”

Max huffed. “I understand all that, and I’m not saying we weren’t stupid, but he could have told me he went to you. Instead, I got blindsided and made an ass of myself.”

No, he’s not blaming Noah for that. “That was unfortunate, but not his fault. He didn’t force you to lie, you made that choice.”

Max didn’t reply, just stared down at his remaining fries. I’m trying hard to be sympathetic, but it sounds like Max is being a little shit. “You want to tell me more about what happened when you tried to apologize? You didn’t say what set him off. Spill it.”

Max hesitated. “I don’t remember the exact words, but I think I told him to ‘shut the fuck up’ when he was talking about my situation in front of the guys.”

“That isn’t an unfair request, even if the phrasing could be more polite. What else?”

Max bit his lip. I could feel his leg bouncing under the table. “I might have suggested he was trying to sabotage my relationship with you because he’s jealous that you like me better.”

What in the actual fuck did I just hear? The shit he says without thinking, I swear to God. He spent the last 20 minutes telling me about his week, and conveniently leaves out the part that undoubtedly pissed off Noah the most? I can’t believe he would say something so hurtful. It’s just mean. Poor Noah. 

I feel put in a very difficult position, and now I’m forced to confront whether it’s true. It’s never occurred to me to rank them, but Max has obviously picked up on something. I suppose it is true we have a more intimate relationship, even without the fleeting sexual component, but I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Noah. I’ve watched him grow up and I wouldn’t even know Max without him.

“I see. I can certainly understand why Noah is upset,” I replied, trying to be calm. “And you thought you could avoid sharing that part? You wanted me to help you understand why Noah is upset, yet you thought withholding specifics from me was prudent? You know what lies of omission are, correct?” I cringed a little at my hypocrisy, considering what he withholds every day.

“No! I just, I’m not proud of what I said, which is why I tried to apologize twice… and he’s been a dick both times. He shouldered me, hard. I can’t do anything more than admit I was a jerk. But I’m also still irritated with him for the things he’s done and said, and you don’t seem to care about my feelings or how much I’m hurting now that my best friend hates me.”

I underestimated Max’s fragility. He began to cry. I remember when babies would go through leaps, and honestly, it’s the same with puberty. He’s so emotional and on edge. 

“Max, come on, you know that isn’t true. Noah doesn’t hate you and you know I love you deeply. It makes me sad to see you upset, but you need to make better decisions,” I said sternly. “Some lessons have to be learned the hard way, and I can’t swoop in and fix this for you. Your actions have consequences and your angry words keep getting you into trouble. I know you feel bad after, because you’re a good person, but that doesn’t take away the pain they cause. You have to control your temper.”

I’m not trying to be rough on him, but he needs to hear it.

He angrily wiped his face. “Whatever, Bo…”

“Excuse me? Boy, don’t ever ‘whatever’ or ‘boomer’ me,” I reprimanded. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. You get annoyed with something and pop off, targeting the other person. It’s not necessary and is unacceptable.”

He slammed his hand on the table. “Can we go?” he asked, annoyed. 

I shook my head. “Not yet, we need to finish this. Running away from your problems doesn’t solve them, young man.”

His defiance was put further on display. He pushed his plate away and crossed his arms. “I’m done talking to you. You’re being mean and it’s obvious you’re taking his side, so there’s no point wasting my breath.” He sounds so petulant. 

“Maxwell Coleman,” I began. To which he put his fingers in his ears. It’s like I’m in Bizarro World. Why is he acting like this? 

“Stop acting so childish. You’re 14, not four. I’m not sure what you’re trying to accomplish, but being bratty isn’t how to do it,” I said, my voice rising. “Even this stuff with Noah is mostly petty. I know you aren’t used to sibling rivalry, but that’s a big part of what’s happening.”

Max glared at me for a moment and stormed out of the restaurant.

Shit. He’s being such a brat. 

***

I ran to the car, but Max is nowhere to be found. Mild panic set in. This isn’t the best part of town, he doesn’t have his phone or any money, and is wearing dark clothing. Thankfully, I spotted him walking two blocks away. I jumped in the car, pulled beside him, and honked. Which he ignored.

I yelled through the open window. “Max, this is ridiculous. Get in.”

He actually picked up his pace. I cut him off in the next driveway.

“You are being unsafe. I am not asking. Get your ass in the car or I will get out and make you,” I commanded. I am very close to losing my cool. If he pushes it any further, I’m going to have no choice but to manhandle him, but he’s going to get into the fucking car one way or the other.

To my great relief, he climbed in the back. Of course, he also crossed his arms and avoided eye contact, but I’ll take whatever I can get. His safety is non-negotiable. 

“Seriously? I’m not your chauffeur.” It’s not like him to be in the backseat when it’s just the two of us. 

“What? Apparently, I’m childish. Children sit in the back seat. It isn’t safe to be up front.” His tone is dripping with contempt. My quip stung.

Whatever. “Suit yourself, but pouting is not the way to earn back privileges.”

I can’t believe he’s acting like this. It’s ridiculous and will not continue. 

***

We rode in silence. We’re going to have it out at his house. Once again, he’s forced my hand, and I have to tell Stacy. It pisses me off because tonight was supposed to be fun for both of us.

Once we arrived, Max bailed out of the car before I even came to a complete stop. He angrily punched the garage pad. I calmly walked beside him.

“What are you doing?” he spat.

“Did you think we were ending things on this note?”

Max stomped upstairs. Stacy tried to greet him with a hug, which he basically ignored.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, looking between us.

“Max, please take your shower and get ready for bed,” I instructed firmly. “Your mother and I need to talk.”

I expected him to lash out, and am relieved when he complies.

***

“What’s going on?” Stacy asked. “I had a call from Mr. Tim today about some girl sexually harassing him, and Max going off on her, but he said it seemed like it was finished.”

“It’s not that. Max has had a long week. That’s part of it, but not what is really bothering him.”

“I’m glad. I know the last thing he wants to do is talk to his mom about anything related to sex, and he seems pretty open with you about everything, so I try not to pry.”

“That’s smart. It’s normal for teens to pull back from parents, but I do think being a guy helps. He would shut down if you pushed. Plus, there are some things a mom just doesn’t want to know.”

“Tell me about it. Some of the things Tim reported he said were… well, you can imagine,” she said, shuddering. “He’s lucky he wasn’t suspended after being so crass.”

I didn’t push any further, and instead filled Stacy in on Noah and Max feuding. She was shocked. Max hasn’t mentioned anything, and neither has Lisa. That’s not surprising, I suppose. Teenage boys aren’t prone to tell their mothers about their drama. It’s kind of sad to me, though, that they’ve been miserable and kept their own counsel. 

“My biggest concern is that he doesn’t seem to have any control over his anger and impulses. He says things without thinking, especially when he’s angry,” I lamented. I explained to her what happened at dinner. “After his behavior tonight, I think his grounding needs to be extended another week. I hate it, but he has to see we mean business and are being consistent.”

“Agreed. There is no excuse for being rude or unsafe,” Stacy said, sighing. “It’s just like his father. Max has always been a little impulsive, but not to the point of getting into trouble. He’s never been mean to anyone, until lately. He’s just not normally angry. What’s gotten into him?”

“Hormones mostly, I think. I don’t think it’s rare, but I worry it will get worse. He needs to learn how to deal with his testosterone surges.” At least, that’s what I’m blaming. If he’s taking after his father, we have a bigger problem. And if it’s because of Mexico or Chad, I’ll never forgive myself.

“I hope that’s all it is,” she replied. “Jan warned he could have a delayed reaction to everything with Rick, so I worry that might be happening.”

I nodded. “It’s possible, and I get the concern, but I wouldn’t read too much into it at this point,” I suggested, trying to reassure her. “Big emotions during puberty are practically a cliche. All adults can do is love them through it, and hold them accountable.”

Stacy paused. “There is something else. A couple of nights ago, he wet the bed. He hasn’t done that since before you guys became closer,” she shared. “He did it often until he was nine or so, but it happened some after his dad was arrested and then again around his sentencing.”

That’s news to me. Despite everything Max shares, I don’t think he’s ever even alluded to suffering from enuresis.

“He didn’t mention anything, but yes, that can definitely be a sign of stress.” Considering the perceived link with sexual abuse, it worries me he is having a reaction to his experience with Chad. Or me. I’m filled with dread and guilt.

“He’s always been very self-conscious about it. Rick was awful to him, thinking he was doing it intentionally. He always shamed and punished him for it. It caused many fights between us,” she shared, shaking her head. “He wouldn’t have said anything to me, but I heard him put his sheets on in the middle of the night and hop in the shower. That morning, I found him asleep on the couch.”

Poor Max.

“He was apologetic and I reassured him that accidents happen and I wasn’t upset,” she explained. “In the past, when he had recurrences, they always came in spurts, but he was dry last night. I checked his sheets to confirm.”

“It sounds like you handled it well. Good job, Mom.” Stacy needs accolades, too. Parenting is hard, especially when you’re doing it on your own. I’m involved, but it isn’t the same. “Considering what he does tell me, I’m surprised he’s never hinted at anything.”

“I don’t think even Noah or Cam know. Adam and Lisa do because we always compared notes on the kids, and they needed to know when the boys started having sleepovers,” she said. “Honestly, I thought he had completely outgrown it. This was the first time in like nine months. Rick was sentenced in early December and his last accident, before this week, was right before Christmas. Then you became closer starting around New Year’s.”

I’m on the fence about whether to even broach it with him. I don't want to embarrass him, and he’s chosen not to share with me, but I also want to rewrite his experience with his father and assure him it’s okay. Usually processing things with me helps him feel better, but he’s been so surly, I’m not certain that’s the right approach.

“I definitely understand your concern, but even bedwetting isn’t unheard of at his age. Boys develop more slowly than girls, and Emma did that occasionally until high school. And she had virtually zero trauma.”

“Yeah, but with everything put together, I think he should have a few sessions with his therapist. She really did help during Rick’s ordeal. He doesn’t think it did, but I do,” she replied. “When you came around, he really started to blossom. So, when he asked to stop seeing her and justified it by saying he could talk to you, I agreed. I know he’s going to fight me on it, but I know it will help.”

My sweet Max. He’s been a turd lately, but I really do love him. “At this point, I think that’s probably prudent. It sure seems like he needs a tune up, but let me take the heat in case he resists. I’ll tell him it was my idea,” I answer. Max needs a boost and I’m not sure I can reach him right now. Anger management is not my area of expertise.

Am I worried that him talking to a therapist is risky? That he could delve into topics I don’t want discussed? Yeah, absolutely. I’m anxious, but Max is the priority, so it’s a risk we have to take. 

***

Mercifully, when Max returned, he’d mellowed. He lost the defiant tone and was completely compliant and respectful, even contrite. That’s my boy. His shower must have given him time to reset.

He didn’t push back when Stacy told him she’s setting up an appointment with his therapist. Nor did he react when I extended his grounding an extra week.

Instead, he immediately apologized. “I’m really sorry about tonight. You took me to practice early as a favor, and then out to eat, and I thanked you by being a complete brat.”

I’m very proud of him for recognizing he behaved badly. Is it weird that makes me love him even more? As if that’s even possible. 

Stacy and I both reassured him we will help him through things but he has to work on controlling his impulses.

The poor boy is exhausted. “Craig, would you tuck me in?” he asked sweetly. “Please?” His eyes are practically begging.

I can’t say no.

***

It’s amazing the difference an hour can make. My sweet boy has made a full return. He wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled me close.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” he whispered. “Please don’t give up on me.” He sounds scared and desperate. Does he really think I would drop him? Despite his natural, quiet confidence in so many ways, Max’s insecurity and attachment issues manifest every time we have a disagreement.

I squeezed him tight. “That won’t ever happen. You know at this point I love you unconditionally, right? I'm not going anywhere.”

He asked to cuddle. I squeezed in beside him and he immediately put his head on my chest. I stroked his new, shorter hair.

“Don’t blame your mom for Jan. It was my idea,” I explained. It wasn’t, but I don’t want him angry with her. “We both think it will help you better navigate your strong emotions.”

“Okay. If you think it’s a good idea, I’ll keep an open mind. She was nice,” he replied. Whew! I was concerned he’d be reluctant. “And don’t worry, I know not to say anything to Jan about our… business.”

I intended to delicately broach that, so I’m glad he brought it up himself.

“I’m happy to hear you’re going in with a positive attitude.”

“Why do you think I keep messing up?” he asked sadly.

I hate that he’s so hard on himself, but at least he’s aware. There are incorrigible youth who simply don’t care. 

“Most likely, it’s just hormones. But, it might be taking after your father. I mean, half your genes do come from him,” I explained. I hope that doesn’t upset him. “I also worry you’re having a delayed reaction to Mexico, or Chad, or being in too serious of a relationship for your age. Maybe sex really is bad for kids.” It’s hard to know for sure, but the reality is, I do wonder if those things might be playing a role.

I didn’t expect his quick, adamant response. “No! That doesn’t have anything to do with it, I swear to God! If anything, you and Cam help calm me when I’m stressed.” 

“It seems that way, but something has shifted in you lately. Maybe it is just puberty and testosterone surges you’ll grow out of, but I can’t help but wonder and worry.” I already blame myself for Chad, and regret letting things go so far in Mexico, but I won’t be able to live with myself if I’m responsible for Max struggling.

He calmly put his head back on my chest and yawned. “I don’t. I know it isn’t that. You’re the… best thing… to ever happen… to me.” I wondered if he was about to cry, but he didn’t.

Just like that, he’s out. I think one of Max’s superpowers is the ability to fall asleep quickly. He seems to do it often with me, even when he’s upset about something. I briefly wondered if his sleeping so easily and soundly is connected to the bedwetting Stacy told me about.

I kissed the top of his head and extricated myself. I noticed the gymnast bear Kim bought him a few weeks ago, that she spritzed with my cologne, and placed it next to him.

I always worry Stacy will feel usurped, but she intuitively recognizes I fill a void in Max’s life — something he desperately craves that she can’t provide, try as she might. She really does do a remarkable job with him, including stepping back when he needs her to. That isn’t an easy lesson for a parent to learn, especially when their kid has been through so much.

“Is he okay?” she asked, as I came down the stairs. 

“I think so,” I assured her. “I think, mostly, he needs reassurances that we aren't going to stop loving him. He knows he’s been behaving poorly and that’s the important thing. You can’t fix problems you don’t recognize.”

Stacy nodded. “I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t around. I’d be lost.”

I gave her a hug. “You’re doing a good job raising him, don’t ever think otherwise. None of this is easy and you’re parenting with grace,” I replied. “But don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. You and Max are family. I just reassured Max I won’t ever give up on him.”

Stacy paused and sighed. “I’m sorry, he probably thinks all men are like his father. I don’t know what I ever saw in that man!”

I laughed. “I get it, but for better or worse, Max wouldn't exist otherwise.”

***

Kim was waiting for me on the couch. “You’re home late. How’s our boy? Everything okay?”

After we returned home from the Reeds on Sunday, I filled her in on what’s going on with Max and Cam’s grounding. I managed to leave out the gritty details, giving her the same recap Stacy received.

I kicked off my shoes with a heavy sigh. 

“That bad?” she asked.

I caught her up on the week’s events. The Mariah nonsense amused her. She actually laughed out loud when I told her Max told her off in, uh, graphic detail. 

“Sounds like the girl got just what she deserves. You can’t blame him for being blunt when she won’t take a hint, and he seems to know exactly what he likes.” It’s interesting to me how much less squeamish she is about nudity and gay sex than Stacy seems. I realize Max is her baby, but still. Kim is nonplussed about all of it.

Kim was surprised (and saddened) to hear Noah and Max are squabbling. She reminded me our girls had similar experiences in middle school. 

When I told her about Max blowing up tonight, and then how he was remorseful, I could tell she was concerned. 

“He’s such a sweet boy, 98% of the time anyway. He’s never been anything but ideal when I’ve interacted with him,” she said. “I can’t believe he still worries that you're a short-term part of his life and will walk out just because you have a disagreement. His dad really did a number on him, didn’t he?”

“Right? His father didn’t actually run away, but I suppose he still thinks it is normal for men to come and go,” I speculated. I continue to see deeper into Max’s psyche as more time goes on. His fragility worries me. “I’ve reassured him, but he’s so sensitive and insecure in his attachments. It’s sad how hard he is on himself anytime he makes a mistake and has to be disciplined. He always feels so bad after he’s been rude or disrespectful.”

“You should see him again right away,” she suggested adamantly. “To reinforce the message. You could get him after school and he can spend the night. I know he’s grounded, but you can still have fun. I’ll dote on him some myself, although it’s obvious what he really needs is a strong male presence.”

Sometimes I worry Kim is jealous, or even suspicious, of the time I spend with Max. Honestly though, I think that’s mostly in my head and it sure seems like she loves him more with each passing week. He really is a sweet, special boy, and I’m gratified I'm not alone in recognizing that. Sometimes, with my wires being crossed, I have doubts that I always see things as they are and not the result of the powerful effect he has on me. 

“What a good idea! I’m sure he’ll appreciate the reprieve and change of scenery,” I replied, giving her a brief kiss. I love when he stays here; I may be more excited than he will be. “I’m exhausted, though. Parenting a middle school boy is no joke. I’m going to head to bed.”

***

During my morning commute, I had a thought. Kim’s idea to have Max sleep over is solid. I realized it would be a golden opportunity to have him begin working on chores. I’ve been putting off cleaning out my mother-in-law’s backyard. If Max stays over, he can help me on Saturday as part of his Europe-trip payment plan. 

I can pick him up after work, let him spend the night after gymnastics, and get up early Saturday. We need a nice evening to make up for last night being less-than-stellar. Plus, Max will get the message loud and clear that I’m not going to abandon him.

I called Stacy, who thought it was a great idea. She told me she let him stay home for a ‘sanity break.’ After this week’s drama at school, that’s probably wise.

I sent a message to Max (via his Gizmo watch) telling him I’d be there by 3:30.

***

Bob texted me later in the morning. “Lunch plans? We need to talk.”

Oh shit, that sounds ominous. I called him right away. “Something wrong?”

“Not at all. I just have a Chad update and it’s too much to text. Is 12:30 good?” He’s very eager.

Unfortunately, I can’t sneak away. A small work fire erupted this morning that needs my attention. The boss is ordering Panera. 

“Sorry, I can’t today,” I explained. “But I am taking Max to practice tonight. Can we meet there?”

“Deal. We can grab a beer and I’ll catch you up.”

***

Max was surprised when I arrived. He didn’t answer at first, so I knocked louder and yelled. I was starting to get concerned, and about to let myself in through the garage, when he finally opened the door — in just his underwear. I never get sick of that sight. “I thought you were just a salesman.”

“You didn’t know I was coming? I texted.”

“No, I think my watch is dead. I haven’t checked it all day.”

I admonished him for not being more diligent, threatening to make him wear it. He promised to be better about it.

“Anyway, pack some clothes. I’m taking you to gymnastics, then you're staying over. I have your first set of chores lined up for tomorrow.”

Max’s face lit up. Maybe it isn’t so bad he hasn’t been checking his watch. His reaction was priceless. “What? Really?” 

“If you’d rather, I could come back and get you in the morning,” I teased. “But the chores are not an option and we’re starting early. If I don’t have to detour here, you’ll be able to sleep in later.”

“What? No! I want to come. It’s just a surprise and I —”

I’m slightly amused that he didn't pick up on my subtlety. I know very well he’s ecstatic. “You thought I was going to hold a grudge?” 

Max nodded, and looked away. I pulled him towards me. “That’s not how it works with me,” I explained. “I can be disappointed in your behavior, which I have been, but I’m not going to withhold love or affection,” I added, patting his cotton-covered butt. “Now, go get your things. We can drop them at my house before heading to the gym.”

***

On my way to get Max, I wondered whether I should arrange for Noah to join us. We could use the help, and who knows, maybe I can help broker detente. 

I know I told Max last night I couldn’t swoop in, but facilitating a mediated conversation could go a long way to resolve their tension. It’s obviously deeply affecting them both, and I see zero benefit from letting that continue to fester.

Of course, Max needs to agree first.

“I have a thought I want to run by you,” I began, turning down the radio.

“Okay?”

“I know you and Noah are on the outs. Would it help if I asked Adam to send him along tomorrow? 

Max hesitated. “I dunno,” he finally mumbled. Okay, he’s not on board. So much for that angle.

“You’d rather work things out yourselves. I respect that. I didn’t plan to fix anything, I just thought if you spent some time —” 

Max shook his head, almost immediately. “I appreciate you trying to help, but I’d rather not. He’d refuse, anyway.”

I’m not convinced Noah would, but it’s irrelevant if Max isn’t willing, and I’m not going to try to change his mind. “I can tell you’re uncomfortable with the idea. But, so you know, I fully intend to speak with him later this weekend.”

“Whatever you want to do, just please don’t make it seem like I put you up to it.” 

These boys and their pride, always trying to save face. “Don’t worry. I know better than to make it look like you sent me.” 

***

Bob was waiting in the bleachers when Max and I arrived. He was on the phone, handling some work issue.

After five minutes, he disconnected and greeted me.

“So, what’s the good news?” I asked. “At least I hope it’s good.”

“Oh, it is,” he answered. “They have that piece-of-shit realtor coming in next Thursday for a meeting. He thinks it’s to discuss selling some rental properties that our P.I. colleague is looking to unload.”

“Nice. So, he has no clue what it’s really about.”

“None. It will be glorious to watch.”

“‘Watch’? Are you planning to be there?”

“Me? I wouldn’t miss it! Let’s go find a watering hole and I’ll fill you in.”

***

Bob caught me up as I drove. Apparently, the new Snapchat account Cam setup struck gold. Chad was completely convinced it was Cam. He not only sent nudes of himself, but even shared selfies of Brett posing in his underwear in front of a mirror.

Chad told ‘Cam’ he found those on Brett’s phone in the deleted folder. Instead of confronting his son, he saved them for his own pleasure. 

“He really is depraved,” I commented. “I hoped, maybe, the idea of doing stuff with his own son was just talk.”

Bob shook his head. “Doesn’t seem like it. There doesn’t appear to be any line he won’t cross. It’s just shocking to me manages to present such a normal, professional facade. I bet his neighbors think he’s a stand-up guy. Successful real estate agent, nice looking wife, good kid.”

I felt a pit in my stomach. Would people be just as taken aback if they knew about my attractions and that I had sex with Max? I’m honest in my business dealings, I don’t want to have sex with my daughters, and I don’t sleep with other women, but still, I’ve lived my entire life with one of the biggest aspects of myself hidden.

“Yeah,” I managed to mutter.

Bob sensed my internal conflict. “You’re not like him at all,” he said. “It’s different. I know you care more about Max than anyone except maybe his mother, you never forced or denigrated him, and you have guilt. Don’t beat yourself up.”

“Thanks. It’s just hard, you know? Word ever getting out would destroy my life and those of everyone around me. It would be a virtual death sentence, even if I had continued to never cross any lines,” I answered. I’m not sure what else to say, so radical honesty it is. Bob patted my arm but we sat in silence the rest of the drive.

***

We hunkered down in the same corner booth where Stacy and I first met months ago, to talk about my mentoring Max.

“So, what’s the plan?” I asked.

“Basically, they are going to give Chad a presentation. They’ll inform him of everything they’ve compiled: his shady business dealings, the women he’s cheated on his wife with, and then they’ll top it off with everything they have on him regarding Max and Cam — and Brett.”

“And I can sit in on this meeting? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that, to be honest.”

“Not in the room. They’d rather not Chad know who hired them, though I think that might be obvious. They’ll be recording the whole session. It will be an extra incentive for him to behave. We can watch in another room as it’s happening. I suppose we could both watch it sometime later, but I thought you might not want to wait.”

I thought about that. He has a point. “You’re right. To watch his destruction live will be great. Cathartic. I’ll bring the beer and popcorn.”

“Deal. I had to push a trip back to make it,” he said. “I’ll put them in touch. It’s next Thursday at 1:00.”

“Got it. Is there anything they need before then? More info from Max?”

“I don’t think so,” he said, shaking his head. “As much as I hate to admit it, the boys did a damn good job getting him to incriminate himself. And then the new account Cam made was a great tool. They have enough evidence; he won’t dare refuse their demands.”

“So, the boys did good. Do you feel guilty at all we grounded them?” I don’t, but I’m curious if his recognition of their effectiveness will make a difference.

“Hell no. They defied us both, sexted him, and it was dangerous. Just because it worked doesn’t change any of that.”

I nodded. “I get it. But maybe Cam can earn a few days off at the end for good behavior,” I suggested. I’m all for the boys having an incentive to behave and earn back trust. The priority of discipline is learning from mistakes and not repeating them, not needless suffering. 

“We’ll see,” he answered with uncertainty. “My original intent was he’d be grounded for the rest of the year, so a month seems pretty charitable already, considering the nature of his transgression.”

I see his point, even if I’m not as strict. “So, what will the demands be?” I asked.

“Simple. Brett’s off limits, obviously. As is anyone else under 18. They don’t give a shit about his mistresses or business practices. Those are just juice to make him comply,” Bob explained. “Obviously, he’s never to contact Max or Cam again. If there’s anything else to add, let me know. Maybe Max has some thoughts.”

“Sure, that’s a good idea. I can ask him tonight.”

“Good. He can also write a letter to Chad if he wants to get anything off his chest. They even suggested he make a video, but I worried that might be too much.”

“Actually, that might be cathartic for him. It would let him put some closure on the whole ordeal. I’ll ask which he prefers, but I think a video would be more impactful.”

“I agree, I just don’t want it to be upsetting. He doesn’t react well when Chad comes up,” Bob stated hesitantly. “One more thing. I’m not sure whether we should tell Max, but they are going to… suggest Chad establish a 529 account in Max’s name, and deposit money every year for the next, oh, decade or so. It should give him a head start paying for college.”

I smiled. That’s a good idea. “Nice. How much?”

“Nothing excessive or suspicious. Like, five grand a year, maybe ten to initially seed it. Not so much that he can't hide it from his wife, but enough that he feels a little heartburn and gets a yearly reminder that his balls are in a vise. Frankly, it’s a very cheap settlement compared to what he’d have to pay if it went to civil court.”

“Excellent. If invested wisely, it could be a nice boost to launch Max into adulthood.” I raised my glass. “Cheers.” Of course, it occurs to me that it may be difficult to explain to Stacy, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. 

I spent a few minutes catching Bob up on Max’s interesting week, including the prior night’s blow-up. 

Bob’s reaction was interesting. I thought he would tell me I should have taken him over my knee, but he was more compassionate. “I think he’ll be more stable once we finish this business with Chad,” he suggested.

He really isn’t that strict or over the top, just more conservative than I am. I’ve never worried Cam is ever at risk of abuse. Bob is dominant in pretty much every way, but he’s never sadistic and loves his son deeply. 

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by his response. He actually reads Max pretty well and stays in his lane.

Having put the business of Chad and boys in turmoil behind us, we turned to more pleasant topics: when Bob and I might find some time for intimate guy fun… where we don’t have to worry about being walked in on.

***

Max was back to his normal self after practice. We took another stab at eating out (Chinese), and this time we both enjoyed ourselves. I sarcastically congratulated him on managing to stay in the restaurant and finishing the meal. I thought it might be too soon, but he laughed. He really is very good natured… most of the time.

I mentioned we have something to discuss at bedtime. I need to bring him up to speed on Chad, but I don’t want it to be a shock. He reacted with alarm, but after I assured him he’s not in trouble, his concerns were assuaged and we could focus on having an enjoyable evening. 

***

Back at home, Max quickly showered and joined me on the couch for a movie. I suggested Stand by Me, but since he’d already seen it many times, we ended up watching another of my favorites — Princess Bride. It wasn’t lost on either of us this is his first reprieve from being grounded. 

Perhaps that selection was a subconscious move on my part, as it assured that Kim would leave us alone. She is one of the few people on the planet who doesn’t appreciate the genius that is Princess Bride. Her absence meant two solid hours of giggling and snuggling.

Max was in such good spirits, I almost hated bringing up Chad, but I need to catch him up, and test the waters about him writing a letter.

I joined him in his room for our bedtime ritual. “What are we going to talk about?” he asked as I sat next to him. 

“It’s about Chad. Things have progressed quickly.”

“Oh.” He’s surprised. And nervous. His leg is bouncing beneath the blanket.

“Bob’s people scheduled a rendezvous for next week,” I explained. 

“They did?”

I detailed how they would walk him through everything they dug up. I also shared how they utilized Cam’s new account to gather additional leverage.

“Wow. I didn’t think it would happen so fast,” he said neutrally. Then, he smirked! “I just wish I could watch, when he realizes how fucked he is.” 

“That might actually be possible,” I answered, smiling. “You aren’t allowed anywhere near the meeting, of course, but they do intend to record it as insurance. Once they lay everything out, they’ll give him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t comply with their demands, they’ll proceed with contacting the authorities, his clients, and wife.”

Max immediately panicked. “What?! I thought they weren’t going to turn him in?” It’s clear Max wants no part of that.

“Relax, I said ‘if.’ He’ll take the easy way out; his life would be completely destroyed if he doesn’t,” I stated authoritatively. “Given the amount of evidence, they are asking very little of him. Honestly, it’s better than he deserves.”

Max perked up. “Like what?” 

“First and most important: never contact you or Cam again. Another is to steer clear of Brett, and anyone underage for that matter. There’s been some talk of a… settlement. Anything else they should add?”

“Well, Ashley does have a little brother. He needs to stay away from him, too. And it would be nice if I didn’t have to worry about him showing up at some random school thing.”

“Those are good. I’ll add them to the list,” I said, opening up a note on my phone. “Mostly, I want to reassure you this whole, sordid affair is about over. Everything will be taken care of, for good.” I gave him a pat on the shoulder. “You have enough things to worry about. This needs to stop being one of them.”

Max smiled. “Thanks. I don’t want to make a scene in public again.”

This is going well so far. I hate suggesting he write something about how the experience has affected him. I’m afraid he won’t want to do it, but I think it’s important and will be cathartic. 

He must have noticed I was pondering something. “What?” he asked.

“What if you recorded a message or wrote a letter? They could share it as part of their presentation.”

“I can do that,” he replied, hesitantly. I can tell it’s not something he is going to enjoy. “I’ll write something.” 

I rubbed his back. I’m glad he’s open to it, but for it to have the desired effect, it should probably be more than just written words. “I know it’s unpleasant to think about, but it would be more powerful if it was read in your own voice, with emotion. A video would be most impactful, if you’re comfortable doing that.”

“Okay,” he replied after a deep sigh. “I can do it tomorrow after the yard work.” I’m pleasantly surprised he’s as open-minded as he is. I would never force him to do it, of course, but I did worry I might have to sell him more on the benefits. Still, I’m sure he will need encouragement to get through it.

“Good. Don’t hold back. Tell him how you really feel, unload your anger, disgust, whatever — just make it real,” I suggested. “Come to think of it, I could share how it affected you from an adult point-of-view. I can come get you in a day or two and we can finalize things. That sound reasonable?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “So that’s what you and Bob were talking about? Chad?” 

“Yup. We went to find a quiet place to have a stiff drink. It’s not something you can talk about with nosy moms nearby.”

Max laughed. 

“What?” I asked, confused. 

“Cam thought maybe you guys were going to, well… you know.”

Good lord, these boys have one track minds. 

“Oh geez,” I muttered quasi-defensively. “Too soon. That scarred all of us. No, we did not… and tell Cam to get his mind out of the gutter about his father.”

“I will,” he said. “I’m glad you were just talking, otherwise it might have made me jealous,” he teased. 

Subtlety has never been his strong point. “Well, if it’s any consolation, Bob doesn’t appreciate a good cuddle like you do. Would you like me to stay a while?”

I already knew the answer. He pulled the covers back and I slid in next to my boy. “I wish we could do this all day. Or at least every day,” he commented. I love that he enjoys this simple, innocent, loving act.

“I’d like nothing more. But it wouldn’t feel as special if we did it all the time.”

“Nuh uh!” he protested. “This is the best part of my week. There’s no such thing as too many Craig Cuddles.” The way he phrased it made me laugh, as if ‘Craig Cuddles’ was some sort of trademark. How do you not feel incredible when a sweet, loving, amazing boy says that about you? And just wants to be loved?

What Max shared next was interesting. He spent the last period Thursday hanging out with Mr. Tim. I know he really likes him, as do I. He refers to him as his ‘School Craig,’ so I know there’s a bond with a lot of trust between them. 

“Is it weird I kinda wish he could cuddle me, too?” he asked. “I know we can’t and I’d never ask, but I really like him. And no, not like that,” he added. “He gets me and makes me feel good when I’m down.” If I didn’t know Max had daddy issues, it’s even more obvious now. He latches on to any male who shows him kindness and attention.

I don’t want him to think he’s weird, but I must admit, most kids are not eager for affection from authority figures at school. “Is it typical for an eighth-grade boy to want to be cuddled by the school disciplinarian? No, probably not,” I replied. “But I do think a lot of kids your age, boys included, still privately seek out affection and physical reassurance from adults? Sure. You might enjoy it more than most, but I don’t think it’s rare.”

I suspect Max is more affectionate than most, but I do wonder if teenage boys wanting to be cuddled is more prevalent than society realizes. Cam is close with Bob, and Noah has never shied away from touch. Since it’s intimate and done in private with a parent, I suspect it just isn’t talked about much.

“I wonder if it ever occurred to Chad to do that. Or if he just wanted to be mean and get off.”

Damn, Max just can’t get this guy out of his head. He wanted so badly for Chad to love and appreciate him, but that’s not who he is. It makes me sad for Max, but also because I know crossing the line in Mexico (and refusing to continue) sent him straight into that predator’s hands. He naively assumed every man would be caring and loving. 

I squeezed him tight. “This thing with Chad will be all over soon. I promise,” I said soothingly. “I told you we’d figure out something to deal with him. A few more days, and it’ll be all behind you.”

Max didn’t reply, but pushed tighter against me. In a few moments, as usual, he was out.

*** 

Max was already up when I made my way to the kitchen to caffeinate. He was sitting at the table, eating cereal. I hadn’t heard him stirring. Not only did he get himself up early, but he very quietly made himself breakfast. Such a good boy. 

Had I heard him, I would have at least thrown on some shorts. I feel somewhat awkward in just my underwear, as I’ve been trying to be more discreet around Max. He must have noticed my discomfort, despite my attempt to act natural. 

“I can’t believe you're shy around me,” he quipped. “I don’t care that you’re half-naked.”

“I suppose that is silly, given everything,” I replied, grinning. I ruffled his hair and fired up the Keurig. “I’ll get dressed and make us a real breakfast. That cereal isn’t going to hold you over until lunch. Even then, maybe we can get started even sooner than planned.”

Max smiled wide. Yeah, he still likes being doted on. Or maybe he’s just enjoying the scenery. 

***

Just after we arrived at my mother-in-law’s, Kim texted that Noah had come over looking for me. It’s not even 8:30 in the morning; what the hell is he doing up? And what does he want? Sadly, he offered no hint. 

I won’t bore you with yard work details. Max was a beast and did more than his share. Maybe age is catching up with me, because I had to stop and take breaks more often than I’d like to admit. Max kept pushing through.

Kim’s mom was duly impressed. Kim has told her a lot about Max, and she was happy to finally meet him. She fawned, complimenting his hard work and manners and telling him how handsome he is. I cringed, expecting she would allude to him having his pick of the girls, but she didn’t go there. I’ve never asked Kim whether she ever mentioned Max’s sexuality. Kim’s mom is not out of touch like a lot of seniors, so it doesn’t surprise me she would be considerate of other possibilities. But, I am curious and will ask later.

***

We finished early in the afternoon. Kim’s mom plied us with snacks, but we were still starving so we drug our filthy selves to Chipotle, which is Max’s favorite fast food.

Once home, it was time to shower. I suppose at this point I shouldn’t be, but Max caught me off guard.

“Do you want to, um, conserve water and go together?” he asked coyly. “I’m not trying to start anything, I swear.”

Impulsiveness on display. Kim is out shopping, so it would be safe from prying eyes, but why tempt either of us? I gave him that look.

I told him as enjoyable as it might be, we both know better. I sent him upstairs to his own shower. But the little shit shucked his dirty clothes right in the kitchen! I gave him another look.

“What? Shouldn’t we wash those?” he answered innocently. 

I tried not to check him out, but I’m not a monk, either. It amazes me how small his butt still is. Pretty sure his dick has grown a little, though. It’s still quite slender but I swear it seemed a little longer, despite its flaccidity. 

The hot water felt so nice. I stood and let it wash over me. I’m so tired, I almost fell asleep leaning against the shower wall. I was relaxed, enjoying the steam, when I got a shock.

I heard the toilet flush and the water surged 10 degrees. I screamed and jumped to the side.

I heard Max giggling hysterically. What an impish little twerp.

“Max!” I yelled. “What the hell?”

“See, I told you we should have taken our shower together.”

I poked my head out of the curtain. I was surprised to see Max still completely naked. Seriously, he combed his hair but skipped the clothes. “Boy, I’m going to whoop you for being so insolent.”

Max knew I was being facetious. “You have to catch me first, old man,” he teased, before throwing open the curtain. Is the desire to see me in all my glory that strong?

“Okay, you’ve had your fun. Go get dressed,” I commanded.

“Kim is gone, we have the house to ourselves, we’re both guys. I wanna have naked time like when I was little. Pwease?” What on Earth? He’s practically whining. Frankly, it’s too much and borders on annoying rather than cute or endearing. 

I grabbed a towel and stepped out. I’ll let him have a good look, but that's it. “Kim could get home at any time. I’m sorry, but the answer is no. The same rules apply here as at your house. Undies are a minimum outside of your room or the bathroom.”

Max folded his arms in playful defiance. “You’ll have to dress me yourself, then.”

I quickly threw on some clothes. “Now, Max,” I softly chided him.

When he didn’t move, I took matters into my own hands.

I picked him up, threw him over my shoulder, and carried him to his room. I might be tired and sore, but Max is what, a little over a 100 pounds? I’m not that old.

I will say, having a penis pressed firmly against your forearm is a strange sensation.

I tossed him on the bed, grabbed his clean underwear, and flung them his way.

I’m not sure what his intention was. He looked a little surprised by my reaction. I don’t think he expected me to carry his naked ass all the way upstairs.

“I know you’re just fooling around, but when I give you a direction I expect you to listen the first time,” I stated calmly. I wouldn’t say I’m annoyed, but I’m not amused, either. “There’s no way Kim would understand if she came home and saw us running around in the buff.”

“I’m sorry. I was just trying to be playful,” he replied somberly, recognizing that I’m not succumbing to whatever silliness he’s been trying to induce.

I ruffled his hair. “I know, and I’m not angry, but I am serious. We can’t take risks, and honestly, we shouldn’t push temptation. Please don’t make it any more difficult for me than it already is.” 

If he had any idea what being naked around him (even for a short time) does to me, he wouldn’t be so cavalier. I feel my cock growing inside my shorts. Just a few moments of seeing him nude, and the lightest touch of his soft, supple butt and his diminutive cock against my chest was enough to send it to full attention. 

It isn’t lost on me that I could bend Max over this very moment, bury my face in his delicious crack and lather his sweet little hole with my tongue, and shoot my load deep in his guts. Not only would he not object, he’d beg for it harder. Adamantly. Vociferously. Moaning loudly and eagerly — in an octave only a boy who still has a high-pitched voice can reach.

That isn’t conjecture or idle fantasy, it’s a fact he’d readily admit to.

I sighed, coming back to reality. That can’t ever happen again. It never should have to begin with. Even if some people can ignore the potential moral depravity and ethical quandaries, I can’t. 

Integrity aside, it’s also a cautionary tale out of sheer practicality. It’s fucking miserable to briefly experience heaven and realize doing so could send you straight to Hell — literally or figuratively.

The deep irony of finally succumbing to a lifetime of suppressed temptation is that it doesn’t scratch an itch, it opens the floodgates. Intensely. Right or wrong, I tasted the forbidden fruit and denying myself now is even more challenging. I’m left only with the hollow solace of my own conscience.

I’m not sure whether it’s out of atonement or a sense of duty, but I’m dedicated to being the father Max deserves. He needs a man who loves him unconditionally — not one who makes love to him. 

That isn’t a sacrifice, it’s an honor.

Instead, I shook off my urges and gave him a hug. “I love that you’re so comfortable around me, and I know you never had that with your dad when you were younger, but we have to be appropriate. I don’t want to do anything that puts at risk what we have. Understand?”

He stared at the floor. “Yes sir. I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry.”

I patted his back and he yawned. “Can we take a nap together, at least? I’m tired.”

Now, that I can accommodate. I’d been thinking about a nice nap since before we left my mother-in-law’s, and sleeping entwined with Max is always better.

***

I was surprised I woke before Max. The intense dream I was having may have been the culprit. The details were vague as they usually are, but I was somewhere tropical with a pool full of nude boys who kept wanting me to throw them in the water. Max was there, as well as Cam, and Eduardo and a few other boys from all-inclusive trips from years ago. Funny how my brain snuck in boy memories I’d mostly forgotten. I’m sure it’s somehow tied to carrying naked Max up the stairs. 

It’s always interesting to me how dreams cut to the bone of one’s desires. Despite all my efforts to behave, my brain knows exactly what I enjoy and taunts me. I’m hard as a rock and I’ve been leaking pre-cum.

I carefully slid out and went downstairs. I’m groggy and decided on another coffee. While Max slept, I retrieved my laptop and set it up on the kitchen table. My hope is he will use it to write the letter to Chad. It will be safer than if he wrote it by hand.

I cleared a few work emails before Max appeared on the stairs, stretching and yawning. Thankfully, he’s wearing a pair of shorts. I looked up and gave him a broad smile, which he returned.

“Whatcha doing?” he asked. 

“I thought you could type out your message to Chad. It will be easier than writing it by hand.”

Max hesitated. I know this will be unpleasant for him. I meant to ask on the drive back if he had any thoughts but I didn’t get to it. 

“It doesn’t have to be perfect. Get some ideas down and I can help with any finishing touches, if you want,” I offered, gently squeezing his shoulder. “Just write how you feel.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll leave you be. I’ll be in the office, just call if you need me.”

***

I left Max alone for almost 30 minutes. I could hear him pecking away at the keyboard, so I knew he was making progress. I did peek in on him a couple times to make sure he wasn’t too agitated. He was so engrossed in his task, he didn’t even notice.

Finally, after a longer period of silence, I made my way back to the kitchen. This time Max was definitely on edge. He wasn’t crying, but he looked to be on the verge.

“How are you doing?” I asked. 

“Huh? What?” he replied, surprised. He quickly wiped his eyes. He hadn’t noticed he’d become emotional.

“You seem upset. Do you need a break?”

“No,” he answered quickly. “I think I’m about done. Can you edit it for me?”

I moved behind him and started reading. What he compiled was good. Except, at one point, he mentioned having sex with other men. He was trying to make a point that he could have enjoyed his time with Chad, but Chad ruined it. I understand what he’s going for, but frankly, it’s too risky to mention. 

“I’d rather you not mention you’ve had sex with other adults,” I said. “I’m not sure it’s relevant. The point is, your encounter with him might have been better but he was an asshole.”

Max had written about how Chad’s encounter affected him. It was well done. “This part is good,” I complimented him. He beamed at my approval. “You’re a good writer, Max.”

He’s usually articulate, but the only other time I’ve read anything he’s written were his apology letters to Cam and I, after Mexico. Honestly, I was too worked up about him mentioning us having sex to appreciate his form. 

I only suggested he remove one other line, where he alluded to not wanting to tell the police. Obviously, that’s something we’re holding over Chad’s head. It’s not what any of us wants, but Chad can’t know that. 

“Remember, it’s one of the things we’re threatening him with. You can’t admit you’re not willing to do that, or he won’t believe it.”

“Good catch,” he replied, quickly changing it. “It still doesn’t feel quite finished. But I’m not sure what else to say or how to make it read better. It seems kind of clunky.”

Max is right. It’s well-written, but could use some transitions and a few tweaks. “Hmm. It is a little disjointed. Would you like me to try to touch it up a little?”

“Yes, please,” he answered. “I’m honestly tired of thinking about it.”

“Go relax on the couch. I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

***

When I finished, I brought the laptop into the living room. Max was on the couch, his eyes heavy. I nudged him. “Here, give this a read.”

“I like it,” he said once he was finished reviewing.

“Do you think you can read it while I record? I’ll send it to Bob.”

“Yes, but can we take a break first?” he pleaded. I could tell he needs some time to build up the courage to complete the task. It’s going to be hard on him, and he’s already emotionally exhausted.

“Sure. How about we walk down to the park? I’ll bring a football and we can toss it around. We just need to come back and finish before Kim gets home.”

***

The park was a blast. I played around with the girls when they were younger, but tossing a ball around with Max was special. Maybe because it’s that iconic thing Dad’s do with their sons? Whatever it was, we both enjoyed it. I intentionally threw balls just out of his reach so he would need to dive for them. He loved it.

We returned home about an hour later. “Ready to get this over with?” I asked, as I set up a tripod to hold my phone. “Why don’t you try reading it a couple times to see how it sounds?”

Max did two practice runs. The first was almost monotone, but his second read through was much better. “That sounds good, just remember to look at the camera and let your emotions come through.”

He took a couple deep breaths. “Ready.”

I hit record, and Max began.

As Max read his story, I could feel his inner emotions bubble up. Max has never acted, but he’s definitely drawing on his raw feelings. I nodded encouragement as he pushed through.

He finished, and I stopped the recording. He was starting to cry towards the end, but that’s good. Chad needs to know how much his actions hurt. I wrapped him in my arms and picked him up, pulling him to my chest. 

“You did great. If that doesn’t affect him, he really is a total psychopath.” I didn’t tell Max, but I honestly think he might be.

***

I carried my boy to the couch and gave him some well-deserved snuggles. 

“Thanks for suggesting I do that. I feel better,” he admitted. “But I’m glad it’s over.”

I gave his hair a few strokes. “This will all be over soon, and you never have to think about him again.”

“Yeah. I was dumb, but I’m starting to realize it’s less my fault and more his. And if he’d do that to me, he could do it to anyone.”

I gently rubbed his back. “Yes, he’s the problem, not you. You made a mistake, but you’re still a boy. He was very intentional about everything he did.” For all my faults, I never intended to violate Max, and I truly believe there is a difference between what we did and what Chad did to him. Society wouldn’t agree, and my attempt at moral mitigation doesn’t excuse my behavior, but those facts are also not insignificant.

Max pressed tighter into me.

“Can I confess a couple of things?” he asked out of nowhere. 

I’m caught off guard and have to admit, I’m afraid of what he might be about to share. This is a heavy moment. “Uh, sure.”

“When I was cleaning the house yesterday, I snooped in Mom’s room,” he began. “I know it was wrong and I promise I wasn’t going to use it again. but I was looking for her vibrator. I couldn’t find it.” 

Whew, that’s not horrible. Max told me a few weeks ago that he used his mom’s vibe and I demanded he wash and return it. It was right after the S.N.O. when he was outed, and freaking that his mom would make him break up with Cam. 

“Why were you looking for that if you weren’t going to use it?” I asked. Max is very delicate right now, so I chose my words and tone carefully. 

“I dunno. I was cleaning her bathroom, trying to help out after being so bad. This week has been such a nightmare, I haven't even masturbated much. It just popped into my head. I immediately decided it was a bad idea to use it, but I still looked.”

I sighed. I’m glad he’s being honest, but this is a teachable moment. “You really shouldn’t go through her things. Parents are allowed to have private stuff, too,” I commented. “I don’t want you to do that again. She can violate your privacy at any time and chooses not to. Return the courtesy.”

“Yes sir,” he agreed before pausing. “I’ve never snooped in your house. Or anyone else’s. Honest.”

I never even considered that. “Good. Anything else?”

“I found my phone. Even thought about using it. It’s not like anyone would have ever known.”

My body tensed. “And did you?” He knows he’s grounded, and I’ll be angry if he flagrantly violated that. 

“No! The thought crossed my mind, but I knew I shouldn’t. I’m trying to do better, and earn back your trust. That would have been dishonest.”

I get it now. He’s done well and wants my praise. I can go along with that, transparent as it is. “I’m proud of you. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking, and that’s what you showed. It's a sign of maturity and taking your consequences seriously.” He relaxed as I heaped additional accolades on him.

“I want to prove I’m trying to be good and that I’m sorry for being rude and defiant. I don’t want you or Mom to be disappointed or to do stuff behind your back. Minus guy stuff with her, I mean.” I love that he’s trying. It also amuses me that he threw in that caveat for his mother. He sure shares everything with me. 

“Good. That means you’re learning. Aside from looking in drawers you shouldn’t, you handled temptation very maturely,” I said, patting his leg. “So, is the ‘guy stuff’ exception why you never mentioned Mariah to your mom?”

“I knew she’d want to talk about it, but it blew up Thursday and then we had our fight. I felt like crap Friday morning, and you grabbed me to spend the night. Then with all the Chad stuff, I haven’t had a chance,” he explained. 

“I understand. Miss Mariah sounds like a piece of work.”

“She never was before. I hope she’s okay, because I did kinda lose it on her,” he replied. “It was awkward, knowing Mr. Tim heard about what I said. Like he isn’t stupid, he knows Cam and I do stuff, but I feel bad he had to think about me like that.”

I laughed. “Yeah, most adults aren’t like me.”

“Maybe that’s why I’ll tell you anything. You don’t lecture or judge about sex stuff, and treat me like a person even when you’re correcting me, so I’m willing to tell you anything. And that keeps me out of really big trouble,” he explained, smiling. 

I nodded. I value that too, and not just because it’s activating. I truly enjoy helping parent Max, shepherding a boy through adolescence.

“So, after Mr. Tim warned you about Mariah, how did you leave it with him? With our argument, we didn’t really finish.”

“Nothing bad. He understood, but reminded me he can only turn a blind eye to so much. Said he called Mom because he has to. I helped in his office during art and we talked. About Noah too.”

I probably shouldn’t be surprised that Max shares so much with Mr. Tim, but I bristled. Is it because I worry he might slip and tell him about us? Or, perhaps, I’m slightly jealous because Max is my boy? I think it’s likely some of both, but honestly I’m relieved he has someone at school he can talk to when the need arises.

“So, you must have talked to Mom about Mariah, too?” he asked timidly. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to discuss any of this with his mother. 

“She’s fine, just worried about you. A girl pestering a gay boy isn’t super common, but sexual harassment is serious. Still, she understands you don’t want to talk about it with your mom, so she’s letting me handle it at this stage.”

Max was happy to hear Stacy wouldn’t be bringing it up. “Yeah, it’s embarrassing. It’s awkward enough having a girl hitting on me, but throw in me talking about liking to suck dick and butt stuff and I can only imagine how mortified she is.”

“She’s adjusting, but yes, there’s no need to rub anyone’s face in it,” I agreed, adding an edge to my tone. “It all circles back to our ongoing discussion about being discreet. This is just another level of that, but I also understand why you were so blunt.”

While we’re sharing, I decided to ask Max about wetting the bed when he was younger. I honestly think it’s the only thing about himself he has never mentioned.

“So, can I ask about something private?” I inquired tentatively. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay.”

“Uh… sure?”

“I'm not upset, and it’s okay for you don’t want to discuss it, but I was surprised to learn you struggled with wetting the bed when you were younger.”

Max looked surprised. I don’t think that’s what he expected me to bring up. 

“Oh. That. I dunno, it’s just always been something I’ve been insecure about. It hasn’t happened regularly for a long time, and not at all since we became friends, at least not until this week. With everything else going on, it seemed trivial. I honestly didn’t even think about it,” he explained. He must assume I’m irritated, but I’m not. “I wasn’t trying to withhold, it’s just embarrassing.”

“I’m not upset. I understand your father was always a jerk about it, and you usually feel better after we talk through things. Accidents happen and you’re still growing. There’s no shame in it,” I reassured. “Emma had occasional nights like that throughout middle school, too. It happens. I absolutely guarantee you aren’t the only one at your school.”

“Thanks,” he said, leaning against my chest. “I’ve never even told Noah or Cam. It isn’t like it’s some big secret, it just hasn’t ever come up.” I suppose that makes sense. It’s not something he’s proud of so he isn’t going to volunteer anything.

“You’re allowed to keep things to yourself. I love that you want to talk with and confide in me, but it’s totally normal for a boy your age to have things he doesn’t want to share. As long as it isn’t a safety issue, that’s your choice.”

We sat quietly. “There’s one other thing I’ve been wondering but felt bad asking about,” he eventually said.

“What’s that?”

“Well, I’ve been a real shit the last week. Really, the last month or so. You, Mom, Mariah, Noah… I guess I’ve wondered if Europe is at risk. But then I feel like a spoiled, entitled brat worrying about that.”

I smiled. It’s always helpful when kids are harder on themselves out of guilt than you’d ever be. 

“Honestly, that never crossed my mind, and your mom never brought it up. We understand you’re going through some stuff but that normally you really are a very good kid, and it’s a great opportunity,” I replied. “You’d have to get into continual trouble to have that trip taken away. You’ve had some moments, but you aren’t a delinquent. Parents expect moodiness out of their middle schoolers.”

I even tickled him to drive home the point. 

“Besides,” I continued. “I want to go to Europe, and Noah will be miserable if you aren’t around. And it’s very convenient having child labor on demand.” 

I’m only marginally teasing. Honestly, this is a great segue to broach Noah, while throwing in some humor. 

Max groaned. “I don’t think Noah would even care at this point. He’s been pissy and ignored me all week. He’s probably already arranging for different roomies.”

I know they’re fighting, but I still think something is up. Noah coming over so early this morning is a sure sign. This is a golden opportunity to delve deeper and make a point.

“Let me ask you something. Has Noah seemed happy this week?” I asked.

Max shook his head. “I guess not. Even his girlfriend and Mr. Tim noticed.”

“Like I said, miserable. And I am not dealing with Emo Noah for two weeks, so you have to go,” I assured him. “Plus, he won’t hold out much longer with this stuff at school. You’re too close to feud for very long.”

Max is not convinced. “You didn’t see the way he walked away.”

“No, but bud, trust me. Your brains are high on puberty. I’m not trying to diminish your very real feelings, but everything feels amplified. Good and bad. You’re like brothers, and this isn’t going to last, I promise.” I sure hope I’m right. 

“He and Jackson are literal brothers and they’ve always fought and aren’t very involved with each other,” he said, challenging my assertion. 

“I never worried about them, not really. But even then, you and Noah are closer than he and Jackson have ever been.”

“I hope you’re right,” he said, sighing heavily.

“I’ll find out tomorrow. Kim texted me while we were at her mom’s. Noah came by this morning looking for me.”

Max’s eyes flared in excitement. “He did?” he asked, suddenly full of enthusiasm, before returning to his morose tone. “Maybe he came to tell you he doesn’t want me to go to Europe or something.”

I frowned at him and squeezed his side. “Highly unlikely, and besides, that’s not up to him. He would not want to disappoint me like that,” I said. “It’s something else. Give it time. Please?”

***

It was almost seven by the time I fed Max and delivered him safely back home. The poor boy is exhausted. I’m not certain what affected him more — the yard work or having to create the message for Chad. Or perhaps, the culmination of an intense week. 

Stacy looked worried, but I assured her everything was great. 

“I’m just tired,” he offered, giving her a hug. “I’m going to soak in the tub and then maybe read a little.”

***

Once I was home, I remembered Noah had come looking for me that morning. With all the effort around the letter to Chad, it slipped my mind.

I texted Noah that I was home if he needed anything, but received no response.

Whatever his impetus must have been fleeting. 

***

I went to bed early and barely stirred until Kim kissed me goodbye as she left to usher at church. All that manual labor truly kicked my ass. I slept eleven hours and I don’t remember waking once, which for me is quite unusual.

After taking a few minutes to wake up, I ambled into the kitchen to start the coffee.

I was just adding the creamer when the doorbell rang repeatedly, itself unusual for a Sunday morning. 

As I approached, I could see it was Noah. He was shifting from foot to foot. His hair looked disheveled, like he’d just rolled out of bed. He’s up early.

“Good morning,” I greeted him. 

“Um, hey,” he mumbled. “Can we maybe go get a donut or something?” Noah and I have a long history of car chats when we make donut or ice cream runs. It’s obvious something is on his mind. As a matter of fact, he looks completely off-kilter.

“Of course,” I answered. “But if there’s something you want to talk about, Kim’s gone to church. It’s just you and me.” I hope he’s here to talk about Max. Maybe I can help.

He nodded and I pulled the collar of his shirt out of his mouth, his unconscious tic when he’s under high levels of stress. He followed me to the couch but didn’t sit. He’s still pacing. 

“What’s on your mind? You don’t look like yourself.”

“I’m not. I’ve barely slept all week.” I believe that. He has dark bags under his eyes.

“I know you and Max are feuding. Is it affecting you that deeply?”

“That isn’t helping, but it’s not the main problem.”

I stood and grabbed him, stopping his pacing. I gently guided him to the couch. Boy-whispering mode is engaged. 

“It sounds serious. Just rip off the Band-Aid and spit it out.”

Noah took a deep breath. “It’s Chad.”

Shit, how is he in Noah’s head?

“Okay. What about Chad? I know he was at the party last weekend. Is there something you didn’t tell me?” The answer to that question is obvious, but when you’re boy-whispering, you have to pull it out of them.

“He has a video of me jerking off,” he answered, staring away. His voice is devoid of any emotion. “It has my face and everything.”

“Oh shit,” I reply, patting his back. Jesus Christ, that’s not what I was expecting him to say. “How?”

“I was stupid. Last winter I found this website where you can chat with random people. I thought I was talking to girls and, well… you know.”

“You were camming?” I’m trying to be nonjudgmental, but Noah understands very well the risks of such behavior. But, while he knows better, this isn’t the time to lecture.

“Yeah. I thought it was harmless. I was a newb at first and didn’t realize people could be fake. I got more careful after a couple of times. But one of those first times…”

“You got catfished?” 

“Yeah. I remember it was one of the first times because of what she asked me to do.” 

I sighed. They literally have online safety classes for kids where they warn them about this, point blank. It must go in one ear and out the other. I guess when you’re 13 and handicapped by your libido, temptation wins. Still, jumping his case isn’t going to be helpful.

“So, one of these ‘girls’ was really Chad? That seems unlikely. What are the odds?”

Noah shook his head. “He told me he found the video online somewhere and recognized me from that night at Pizza Pit. He said it was on a dark website or something like that,” he explained, cringing. “My life is over if anyone at school finds out. And my parents will kill me.”

“Did he say it was on the Dark Web?”

“I think. What the eff is that anyway?”

“I’m no expert, but it’s not somewhere normal people go. If that is the only place it is, I doubt any of your classmates will stumble onto it. But still, it has to be disconcerting to know random men have been watching you.”

“It makes me feel gross. Chad said the page he got it from has over 100,000 people on it or something. He told me my vid was very popular, like I would fucking be happy about it.”

“It must be some illegal site that caters to guys interested in boys.”

He looked up at me, his eyes doing the talking. He wants to know if I consume such material.

“No Noah, I don’t use the Dark Web. It’s too risky, ethically dubious, and very illegal.” Temptation has always existed, but it’s just never seemed moral to me. Plus, it’s way too dangerous. 

“What do I do? Chad threatened to send it to my parents!” he cried, before beginning to chew on his collar again. 

No wonder he’s been agitated all week — and why he reacted so strongly when Max alluded to his online activities. It struck a very raw nerve. “He did what? Maybe you should start at the beginning. Did he just show you this video out of nowhere?”

“No. Ashley ran upstairs and he called me over,” he began. “He told me Ashley is a lucky girl. I didn’t want to be near him, so I just told him thanks and tried to move away.”

“But?”

“He told me once girls get horny, they love guys with big dicks like mine. ‘Trust me’ he said, ‘I know’.”

“Jesus! What a creep. What did you say?”

“First thing that popped into my head. I told him it’s really not that big. I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my shoulder.”

My anger is rising. How dare he touch Noah. 

“He told me, grinning, that I’m way bigger than my two friends. I was like, how the fuck does he know that? I wondered if Max told him about me and Cam? I didn’t realize Cam sexted him right then.”

“Then what?”

“I was in a daze. I just looked at him like, what the fuck? He could tell I was confused and showed me the video. It was right there, saved on his phone.”

“I see. That had to be a shock.” So, purging Chad’s phone of that video is also a demand we need to make. It might not make any meaningful difference, but still. Noah deserves that. 

“It was. He told me I’d have fun with girls eventually, but in the meantime I should let him show me a good time. He said if I did, he’d make sure my parents never found out about the video. He even rubbed his hand up and down my leg.” Noah cringed as he added that last detail.

“He tried to blackmail you into having sex with him?!” I asked incredulously. The gall of this motherfucking piece-of-shit.

Noah nodded — and proceeded to break down. I pulled him toward me and hugged him. Son of a bitch. I need to get this info to Bob ASAP. But right now, Noah is priority one.

I held him as he bawled. I’ve never seen Noah sob like this. It’s reminiscent of some of Max’s meltdowns. 

“Don’t worry, Chad is about to get put in his place in a few days. I can assure you he will never speak to you again.”

“How?” he asked through muffled tears.

I took a few minutes to brief him on the Chad developments, and promised that “avoiding Noah” would be an additional requirement. Slowly, he calmed down and regained his composure. 

“You really think I shouldn’t worry about the video?” he finally asked.

“Well, it’s not ideal. But it’s not like anyone who finds it can admit to that. I doubt anyone you know will ever see it,” I answered, before throwing in a joke. “But if they did, it sounds like they would be quite impressed.”

I was relieved when he laughed. “Maybe we should go get that donut now?” I suggested.

“Please. But can we just, um, sit like this for a few minutes?”

Noah has never asked to cuddle before, but it’s apparent he needs to be reassured.

***

As we pulled out of the neighborhood, I brought up his spat with Max. “I see now why you lost your cool with Max.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I guess I’ve been blaming him for starting stuff with Chad.”

“I get that. However, Chad would have still met you through Ashley, right? And he would have still found the video. Everything may have happened anyway, without Max,” I suggested. I know Chad is unpleasant, but he’s the issue, not Max’s desperate impulsiveness. It isn’t fair to blame Max for Chad’s sadism. “It’s possible he wouldn’t have confronted you if you didn’t have a connection to Max, but the man is a predator and sociopath. I doubt he’s capable of resisting using it as leverage.”

“Hmmm,” Noah answered, appearing deep in thought. “I guess I was trying to find a way to shift the blame for my own stupid actions, huh?”

I patted his leg. “It’s very mature of you to recognize that. A lot of your kids your age wouldn’t have insight into their own actions like that.” His self-awareness is truly remarkable.

“I guess I wasn’t really thinking, just reacting to shit as it happens. I don’t think I’ve done any homework this week. It just didn’t seem important.”

“That’s understandable. Chad showing you that video had to be unnerving. I can see why you were hyper-sensitive about Max mentioning your camming activities.”

“Yeah, that really set me off, especially because of what Chad has on his phone. It’s like I know he’s right, he and Cam always have been. But, I dunno, it’s like he was rubbing my face in it.”

I laughed. I know the situation isn’t funny, but them being annoyed with the same thing is. “He feels exactly the same way about your attitude toward him and Cam messaging Chad. I think ‘holier-than-thou’ and ‘preachy’ were the terms he used,” I said. It’s amusing to me they’re both clinging to the same attitude, reflected on the other. “I think you both are under a lot of stress and have not acted like yourselves.”

“Right. But he tried to apologize, twice, and I was a dick.” He took a deep breath. “I was just so stressed about the video…”

“I get it. Max regrets some things he said too.”

“He does?” he asked before pausing. “I guess he told you… everything?”

“Yes, at least what he could remember. Accusing you of being jealous and trying to sabotage the relationship between him and I was ridiculous and unacceptable, and I told him as much. He got an earful.”

Noah smiled weakly. I think he’s pleased to hear I took his side, for lack of a better term. “Yeah, that pissed me off. It still does,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t believe he went THERE.”

“It was a low blow, and I made it clear he owes you an apology. Although he pointed out he’s tried twice.”

“You think he will? Try to apologize, again?”

“Yes. Do you think you’ll manage to accept? And not ice him out?”

“Maybe,” he answered more defiantly than I expected. I’m shocked he’s still not quite able to let go of his bitterness, just like Max. It really is sibling rivalry. 

But, I also understand Noah’s mindset. It’s similar to my own when we returned from Mexico and everything was crashing. He isn’t thinking coherently. Everything to him is a singular event; every feeling disconnected. He seems to want Max to apologize for saying hurtful things, but is still resentful. He can’t let go of the anger to accept the apology. It isn’t remotely rational, but it is typical of humans in crisis mode. 

I guess Noah has experienced a lot of emotions this past week. Hopefully by the time he sees Max on Monday, he’ll be more settled and able to move forward.

As I drove, I tried to think of a way to encourage him. It was Noah who broke the silence.

“You know what’s kind of funny?”

“What?”

“Promise you won’t be mad?”

Oh boy. “Of course.”

“There was a time I WAS jealous. When Max disappeared all of a sudden last spring, I was pretty pissy. If he wasn’t hanging out with you, he was with Cam. But then I met Cam and now we’re tight. I mean Jesus, I lost my virginity to him,” he said, blushing. “And now I spend more time with you than ever. I feel kinda stupid… and shitty.”

“Jealousy isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a natural reaction. I don’t think it’s healthy to dwell on it routinely, but I wouldn’t believe you if you denied experiencing it.”

“Yeah, what Max said really stung because I know there's some truth to it,” he admitted, avoiding eye contact. 

I didn’t respond right away. I thought we addressed this in the spring, but apparently he’s still insecure. 

Noah took a deep breath. I know this is uncomfortable for him.

“So, is it true?”

“Huh?” I asked.

“What Max said. That you like him more.”

I stared at him. Does he really want to have this conversation?

“Noah, we’ve known each other since you were still in diapers. You’re my nephew. You know how I feel,” I said sternly. I don’t begrudge him needing to be reassured, but it took me off guard. I’m not reading him as well as I usually do.

A slight smile graced his face.

“But,” I continued, “what Max and I have is… different.”

“Because you… you know?”

“That’s part of it, I guess. For better or worse, we shared something rare and very intense. That, paired with him needing a father — it makes for a unique dynamic.”

He studied me, not reacting. He knows all this, but I guess we’ve never actually spelled it out. Our conversations at the time were more about my attraction to boys in general, and Cam and Max breaking up. Not so much Max and I specifically. 

“You don’t need what Max does. You know he seeks out male approval and affection. You know his father was a jerk,” I continued. “That’s what makes Chad so egregious. He used that insecurity to inflict harm. I guess most would say I did too, but I was never malicious.”

Noah shook his head. “It’s different. I don’t know whether what you did is okay or not, but I don’t think Max is worse off. Plus, he’s said many times he sought you out, he initiated, and that he enjoyed everything. And that it was you who was adamant it not continue, even though…” he trailed off. Even Noah sees Max still longs to relive Mexico. “Honestly, if Max had to choose between you or Cam, I’m almost positive he’d choose you.”

It’s my turn to blush. “Well, he’s never going to have to make that choice. He should have a normal, age-appropriate relationship — not one with someone he views as a surrogate father.”

“I know, and that’s why we know you aren’t anything like Chad. We all trust you.”

“Thanks. You honestly don’t know how much that means to me.” I could feel tears welling. 

Noah nodded. “You’re denying your own desires, because you’re more concerned with what Max needs,” he explained like it was patently obvious. “It’s like you decided to not be his boyfriend, even though you could, so you can be his dad.”

Out of the mouths of babes. I wonder if Noah has ever considered a career in psychology. He has a knack. “That’s an astute observation, Mr. 13-year-old.” Of course, it’s also a Jerry Springer punch line.

“Hey, I’m almost 14! But yeah. And I have a good dad, so I shouldn’t be insecure about you and Max.” It sounds like he’s almost convinced himself.

“Right. I love spending time with both of you. Max just needs more of what you’ve always had.”

I’m not sure Max would be happy with me addressing everything so directly, or even talking about it in general. But since Noah (and everyone else, including Max) already tacitly understands, it’s no great revelation.

As we exited the car and got in line, Noah wrapped his arm around my waist. “You really are the best uncle,” he said. “Max is lucky you’re his dad.”

***

As we pulled out of YoYo’s, Noah looked nervous. 

“You’re not going to tell my parents about any of this, are you?” he asked timidly.

I’m shocked he even has to ask. As far as I am concerned, everything to do with Chad and Noah’s camming activities are too intricately intertwined with Mexico to discuss outside our tight circle. 

It worries me to withhold it, like I’m being disloyal to his parents, but it’s not like he’s in any actual danger. Chad is being addressed, and what’s done is done as far as the video. It’s unfortunate, but if I go to his parents now, he will never trust me in the future.

“No, that won’t be necessary. If it were a safety issue, you know I would have to, but we’re taking care of what we can,” I said. I decided to turn up the heat a little, and added a sharper tone. “Besides, you’re never going to cam again. Right?”

His relief is palpable. “Definitely not. I promise I haven’t since the summer. Between Ashley and, um, my friends, I haven't had the need,” he admitted shyly. “Thanks Craig.”

I pulled just short of my garage. “Promise you’ll come see me if you want to talk about any of this more?” I asked.

“Deal,” he answered. 

“I hope you have a better week.”

“Yeah, me too,” he answered, looking away. It’s like he wants to say something else but is holding back.

“You know, things would be better if you and your best friend didn’t hate each other. He asked me yesterday if you were going to want a different roomie for Europe.”

He looked at me. I could tell by his guilty face, it had crossed his mind. Damn, the bitterness is deep. “That’s a long way off,” he managed to say. I think he’s trying to please me.

“Indeed, it is. Can I ask a favor?”

“Sure,” he replied.

“Just go into this week with an open mind?”

“Yeah okay,” he answered quickly. I can tell he doesn’t want to be badgered, so I backed off. 

Noah reached for the door handle. “I better get home,” he said quickly. He really doesn’t want to get into this. 

***

I put a call into Bob as soon as I was settled. Noah’s new revelations have to be added to Chad’s meeting. 

“You’re not going to fucking believe this,” I began.

*** End of Chapter 41 ***

Author’s Notes:

I hope the revelation as to why Noah was acting so strangely was satisfying.

And hopefully you’re even more eager for Chad to finally get what he deserves!

As always, feeback is much appreciated- craigpwriter888@tutanota.com