Date: Fri, 01 Jul 2005 18:46:51 -0400 From: Rick Lawton Subject: My Symon, Chapter 6 (Adult/Youth) It took me two weeks but I managed to train this guy to take over all my accounts, took care of all my loose ends at work, and walked out of the office for the last time on Friday, carrying a box filled with my personal items I had collected over the years. My co-workers managed to throw me a going-away party at lunchtime, which was very sweet and quite touching. Some of the women gave me presents, some of the guys gave me booze, and the office chipped in for a nice lunch, where toasts were made and funny stories about me were exchanged. A few times my heart strings were tugged, but never once did I feel I was making the wrong decision. It was the right thing for me to do, on a bunch of levels. As I walked out of the elevator and opened the trunk of my car to place the box inside, I started to smile. But it was a smile like I haven't had in a long time. It was a smile filled with contentedness, happiness, and a calm I finally felt. I got into the car, started the ignition, and drove out of the dark parking garage into the fading Friday evening sunshine, listening to Era's "Mass" play in the car, not having a care in the world. I had only one thought - tonight was the night Symon and I were going to talk, whether he wanted to or not. The last two weeks kept me quite busy. Not only did I have to work a lot of overtime just to make sure my clients were going to be taken care of by the new guy, but I spent a lot of my free time with Chad, who was quite surprised to hear the news of my quitting, but was thrilled and excited for me when I sat him down and told him my plans. "Getting you as a counsellor full-time will make the Rainbow Center an even bigger success than it is now, Rick," said Chad, toasting my decision in my townhouse on his last night before leaving for London. "I'm just^Å" I looked at him. "Just what, Chad?" I saw tears in his eyes. "I'm just sad now that both our lives seem to be going well, we're heading into different directions." He looked down at his shoes, something he often did when he was embarrassed. "Chad^Å" I said softly, taking my hand and lifting his head. "You mean more to me than you'll ever know. I'm going to miss you so much. But this is the best thing for you, and for me. I'm so excited about this new start to both our lives." "I'll be back," he said softly. I smiled. "I'll be here." And we hugged. I truly loved Chad as a younger brother, and knew he felt the same way about me. But I knew it was going to be tough for both of us to be apart. Our friendship was very strong, and not seeing each other whenever we wanted was going to be difficult. *** *** *** *** *** *** "Hello Symon, how are you?" I asked that same Friday evening. The market had closed a while ago. I had wanted to talk to Symon after he finished working. I waited for Symon to leave, going over what I wanted to say to him again and again in my mind. Seeing him come out of the store, however, made me lose all thought, and all concentration. He was like a drug. I didn't get the warm reception I was hoping for, though. He gave me what looked like a half-smirk. "Rick, what are you doing here?" he asked, walking over to where I was leaning against my car." "I came by to see if we could talk." My mouth was dry, and my hands started to sweat. "Talk about what?" he asked, crossing his arms and looking up at me. I shivered as I felt suddenly cold. "You said we had some unfinished business, so I thought we could start from there," I said, looking at him quizzically. "Are you okay?" "I said that to you over three weeks ago, Rick. And you're just now wondering if we could talk? What have you been doing?" He was getting visibly angry, and I was utterly confused. Yes, I hadn't been to the market in close to three weeks. I had a lot of work to finish before I could leave my job. But Symon was in my thoughts every single day. "I've been busy, taking care of things. Listen, it doesn't matter. I'm here now. Can we talk?" "Busy taking care of things? Or busy being taken care of?" he asked accusingly. "What are you talking about Symon? What's going on with you?" He shook his head vigorously, his dirty blond hair cascading down to meet his light eyebrows. "I'm talking about what you've been doing since we last saw each other Rick. Or should I say who you've been doing!" He practically screamed the last sentence, and I began to look around the parking lot to make sure he wasn't attracting attention. Luckily, the lot was almost empty. "Symon, let's take a minute and calm down okay?" I suggested, moving my hands toward him, but Symon, who at this point was angrier than I had ever imagined someone could get, backed away from me. "Don't you fucking touch me!! Calm down? You calm down you FUCK!" he yelled. "I saw him Rick, so don't act so fucking confused and pathetic like you don't know what the hell I'm talking about." "Saw who? Symon, what are you talking about?" I asked as calmly as I could. This was getting out of hand, and it was scaring me. "You didn't come into the market for over a week since we last saw each other, so I took a chance and went over to your place. And what did I find but you with some guy, having the time of your life." His eyes began to water. He was upset. I knew who he was talking about right away. "Symon, that was just a friend. He left for London a few weeks ago, and we were spending his last night in town together, before he left." And as soon as I said the words, I wished I hadn't because Symon reacted like I had stabbed him in the heart. "So you just give me a fucking blow-job, but with him you spend the night together^Å yeah, I guess I deserve that," he said quietly, wiping away the tears from his eyes. "No Symon, no, you don't understand. Chad and I are strictly friends, nothing more. Believe me when I tell you that nothing happened." I was becoming desperate. What the hell was happening? "You looked awfully cozy together Rick. I was watching you two," he said, as I looked utterly confused. "I saw the champagne, the way you two were talking, and acting toward each other. How comfortable you were on the couch. The same couch where^Å" but his words trailed off. He was misunderstanding everything. I had to explain before it was too late. But I was losing him; I saw it in his face. "Symon, listen to me please," I began, my voice hardly louder than a whisper. "You didn't see what you think you saw that night," I said. "Oh so now I'm a fucking liar too?" he screamed. "No, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean it to-" "Fuck you Lawton!" he yelled. "I thought you were different. Special," he said more to himself than to me. "I thought we^Å but it doesn't matter anymore," he said, looking up at me. "It doesn't matter." He turned and began to walk away. I was trembling, beginning to cry myself. My Symon was walking away from me, and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do to stop him. *** *** *** *** *** *** "Rick, for fuck sake, what is this kid doing to you?" I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying and shaking. It amazed me that I got home safe after my run-in (the only way I could describe it) with Symon. Kerry was the one person I could call and turn to. And again, he was over, trying to calm me down and make sure I was all right. Talk about selfless. "Kerry, I screwed up. I did^Å I fucked up as I usually do and let a great guy get away from me," I said in between sobs. God I was pathetic. "Whoa! First of all, you didn't screw up. Second, you didn't let a great guy get away from you. You let a kid who you blew walk away, which in my humble opinion, is exactly what should have happened. Rick, forget the fact that Symon is under 18. The fact of the matter is he's a total stranger to you. Do you know anything about him? Where he lives? Where he goes to school? Do you?" Kerry asked, looking at me. I shook my head. "But I want to know everything, Ker. Everything!" "Oh Rick, for fuck sake^Å you're doing it again, getting yourself into a mess that never ends well for you. How much longer are you going to keep doing this to yourself? How many more guys are you going to fall for, and I use that term loosely, before they go and hurt you?" "Symon is different Kerry," I said, before blowing into a tissue. "The connection I felt with him, FEEL with him, is real. It's not like the others. It's not^Å" my voice trailed off. Was that true or simply wishful thinking on my part? At this point I couldn't be sure of anything, except for my feelings for my Symon. They were genuine. I knew it in my heart and soul. "Rick," started Kerry, putting his arm around my shoulders, "you know I want the best for you. I want you to be happy." "I know you do," I said and smiled as I looked into his bright eyes. He was so good to me. "But you aren't happy now. Look at you, you're a wreck." "Thanks," I said sarcastically. Kerry smiled. "You know what I mean, bud," he said as he pulled me closer to him. We both leaned back on the couch and I put my free arm on his chest, as Kerry embraced me. "Rick, I love you. And I don't want to see you get hurt. And what I see now is someone who is very dear to me in pain. I know it's hard, but you have to get over this^Å this obsession. That's all Symon is Rick. He's an obsession. Like the others. I don't mean to be cruel, but you have to hear it. You've put yourself through this already, more than once. I don't want you to go through this again." Kerry was right. What was I thinking? A look could send shivers through me. A light touch could make me weak. I've done this before, and every time I get hurt, every time the guy tells me to get lost, or doesn't return my emails, or just ignores me, I vow never to let it happen again. But it does. I'm either the biggest idiot to walk the face of the Earth, or I'm a truly stupid man. At this point, I'm not sure anymore. The doorbell rang, and Kerry let me go to and went to answer the door. As he walked into the foyer, I blew my nose again, sat up, and thought this was the end. I wouldn't let myself get trapped into this cycle. I had to end it. If I didn't, I would never be truly happy. I heard voices coming from the foyer, but couldn't hear them enough to understand what they were saying to each other. "Kerry, who's at the door?" I asked, crumpling the tissue in my hand. But Kerry didn't answer. He just walked back into the living room. I looked up at him and noticed the other person walking behind him, stopping in the foyer's doorway. I felt myself get weak. There was my Symon.