Date: Sat, 21 Jan 2012 01:08:01 +1100
From: Caleb Nathanial <calebnathanial@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Alpha Male and Me: Part 6: Ineluctable Deference

Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction.  It contains
homosexual themes of an erotic nature, if this offends you or is illegal
for you to read, please stop reading now.  The views and opinions expressed
by the characters are not necessarily those of the author.  This document
may not be copied or hosted on other websites or be changed without the
expressed written consent of the author.  The story, including the
characters depicted, are the intellectual property of the author.

Authors note: Hey everyone, thanks for the continued support.  I'm glad I
can still write to the standard you all like after so long of not doing it.
For those of you who want to be notified when my stories are released, just
send an e-mail to calebnathanial@hotmail.com telling me so and I'll add you
to the list.  Finally, I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts about the story
so if you have to time I'd like to hear from you.

The Alpha Male and Me
Part 6: Ineluctable Deference

I looked across at him as he drove, he seemed somewhere else in his head.
He had seldom spoken ever since we left our island and nothing had been
said since we got in his car.  Just his presence made it easier for me,
this feeling that we were about to part, but I knew it was far worse for
him.  He thought he would never have to say goodbye to me again, while I
knew it was inevitable.  He was further gone than me and now we both had to
pull back.  There was a very large part of me that wanted to stay, telling
me how stupid I was for leaving him and telling me I might never see him
again; but the logical side of me knew there was no other option.
Unfortunately, it seemed my feelings sided with the irrational part of my
brain.

The car ride ended in silence, as we pulled up on the deserted street just
out of the school boundaries.  I could see that my classmates' bus was
already sitting idle on the curb.  Luckily we weren't too late; people were
still exiting the bus, which hopefully meant I could blend in.  I took a
look at Mikaihail and his expression made me realise that there was one
more thing I'd have to deal with before I could exit his life - one final
time.

I smile at him comfortingly.  "Something wrong?"

He turns his attention to me and moves his hand to my cheek.  "Don't make
me do this Caleb."

I didn't say anything, knowing that my confused expression would be enough
of an enquiry.

"Don't go.  Drop your endeavour and just stay with me."

I chuckle at his seriousness in a false display of insouciance.  "Don't be
so melodramatic Mikaihail.  It's only a week, that's about the shortest
amount of time we've gone between 'seeing' each other."  I put emphasis on
the word to let him know I wasn't including the Saturday night dinner
perfunctory.  The offer was easier to reject than I thought it would be; I
guess that spoke to how aversive the prospect of hurting him was to me.

"Every day it gets harder to be away from you."  He speaks at he caresses
my cheek.

I knew exactly how he felt; it was the same for me.  I had come to the
realisation that it became increasingly harder for me to be away from him,
that I would need to see him more and more often.  I guess that meant it
was only a matter of time before I could no longer stay away.

It was funny that I had never made that jump in logic before.  I suppose
his need for me had already reached that point.  But I am sure that even
the slightest slip in my resolve is all he would require before deeming
that the allowance he had given me was void and there was no point in being
apart again.  With that in mind I couldn't agree with him, subterfuge was
really my only option.

I rest my head in his hand and pull my lips into a smile.  "You'll miss me
then?"  A hint of teasing in my expression.

His expression turned a little scolding, not completely appreciating my
making light of his words, but the predominant emotion in his face remained
his longing for me.

"Seven days and I'll be back in your arms.  I'm sure you can hold out that
long."  He didn't seem quite convinced.  "Even knowing you'll never have to
let go again?"  That brought a smile to his face: the signal I had gotten
my way.

He brushed his hand along my cheek as he took it away.  I unclipped my
seatbelt and had my hand on the doorhandle before he interrupted me.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

I turned around with a huge grin on my face.  I got out of my seat as I
extended toward him and gave him a peck on the lips before he pulled me
into his arms.

I tried to get my full of Mikaihail in this last embrace.  I closed my eyes
while remembering the feeling of his muscled arms around me, the feel of
his body as I tried to wrap myself around his enormous frame, his scent,
and especially his imposition - which even now was as strong as it had ever
been, though through the constant practice I was getting better at dealing
with it.

"Mikaihail... I love you."

He took a deep breath and let out a prolonged exhaled.  "I love you more my
Caleb."

I lightly laughed at his remark, remembering that the last time he said
that we were in the same place, only we were leaving, not returning to the
torture of real life.

As much as I wanted to stay in his arms I had to quickly get to the bus
before people started departing.  As if prompted by my thoughts, he
loosened his hold on me.

"You better get going before I decide not to let go of you."

I retreated to my seat and let my eyes take him in for one final moment
before I got out of his car.  I quickly walked down the lane and across the
street.  I entered the school grounds at a distance to the where the bus
was parked and came up behind the families reuniting with their children.
I quickly spotted Alice and Eric, both looking in the direction of the bus.

"Hey."

They turned around at the sound of my voice. Mother smiling, Eric's hard
emotionless expression was stilled fixed on his face - I imagine it had
been since I was born and he first held me.

"I didn't see you when I got off the bus."  The easiest way to abolish any
suspicion I didn't get off the bus was to establish common ground that we
simply missed each other.  Their own failure to see me would seem
expectedly normal rather than peculiar.

Mother moves towards me and gives me a hug.  "How was it?"

"Pretty much as I expected."

"What did you do?"

I really had no idea what the camp specifically entailed so it was best to
avoid saying anything that could be found out to be false.

"I've actually got a headache.  Can I bore you with the details later?"

She looks at me with her maternal concern before answering.  "Sure Honey,
let's get you home."

As they lead the way to where the car is parked I looked back at the crowd
one last time and to my dismay there was Mr Stevens staring directly at me
from within the mass of people.  Though I couldn't see an immediate problem
with him, the very sight of him still made me uneasy.

 ***

 When we got to the house I took some painkillers for show before heading
to my room.  As soon as I closed the door behind me and dropped my bag my
mind started to plan.  It wasn't exactly voluntary but I didn't want to
stop, I only had seven days and I wasn't going to waste time.  I could
quite possibly need every hour I had to figure this out.

It wasn't long before I ruled out any simple option.  Mikaihail's and my
time were almost always accounted for.  I had school and family, so there
was never a time that I wasn't with my parents unless I was in class where
roles were constantly called.  Mikaihail had his work and his home life -
again, always accounted for by other people, his family or his co-workers.
That meant that a consistently held meeting between us would go noticed by
our absences to the people we were supposed to be accounted by.  Even
constantly changing meeting times would be very risky.  This basically
meant that the solution had to be more complex. There would have to be some
kind of cover story to account for the time that we would be together.

As I went through different kinds of things my brain came up with and the
myriad of smaller problems each possible solution presented, I soon could
not keep everything in my mind at once.  I got out a notebook and started
scrawling down a diagram of the problem. I used mathematical symbols as
code so if anyone stumbled upon it, they wouldn't understand it.  Soon one
page didn't have enough room, then two, then three, and after about six
pages the utility of the visual aid was moot.  I looked around my room
thinking of what I could use and for the first time I appreciated how bare
my room really was.  Remembering what my room previously looked like, an
idea struck me.

I got out the Blu-Tack that I had taken off my walls several weeks ago and
started ripping out the pages of the notebook and fixing them to my walls
and ceiling.  Soon the colour of the walls was as hidden as it had been
before.  I continued working and as each possible solution had several
flaws, always a few I couldn't fix, the walls quickly became filled with
each factor that entered the situation, the effect it had on each other
factor, the ways to deal with the problems, and the sub-problems those
solutions had.

Soon, even the expansive space wasn't enough to capture the complexity.  I
left my room for the first time in seven hours to raid the corridor
cupboard for some string.  No string, but we did have a whole lot of left
over red, white, and green ribbon from the previous Christmas.  I got the
nine roles and brought them back to my room.  As the complexity of the
relationship between parts of the problem grew, more of the factors became
involved, it was difficult to represent two dimensionally so I used to
ribbon to represent the relationships.  The white, green, and red actually
helped to colour code the type of relationship, either as a solution, a
problem, or a sundry - a note attached to the ribbon when necessary.

After several more hours I lay in the middle of my room, the sculpture like
creation of ribbon and paper which represented the inside of my head hung
above me.  After a while the bigger picture came into view - it wasn't
possible.

Sure, I could come up with ideas that would probably work.  For example, if
we took a night class of something business related, like stocks or
something similar.  Our shared interest in business is the basis of our
relationship to our families, so it would make sense to them.  But that had
the flaw of not getting certificates at the supposed end.  That could be
solved if we faked them (I couldn't imagine that would be very hard).  The
main problem with that plan is if someone else any of our family members
knew was taking our supposed course.  It would bust our cover completely
and there really was no believable explanation if it did come to that.  But
perhaps that showed that our greatest advantage was that we could use each
other as our alibi.  The possible cover stories for that would afford us
even less time.  And really, when it came down to it, time is what made all
these possibilities inadequate.

There was no real quota I had to fill, how much time would be enough, but
that also was one of the most annoying points of the problem.  I could see
Mikaihail's smug face in my head (the fact that I found his face so
attractive made the image worse), knowing that any amount of time I could
come up with simply wouldn't be enough for him, that expression would be on
his face as he told me he wanted more, like it would be easy to have a life
together and I was simply blowing the problem out of proportion.  I could
hear his words echo in my head,

"... to be with you all the time, everyday.  To know that I'll hold you as
you go to sleep, that in the morning you'll still be within my arms... and
when I leave you, you'll be waiting for me when I get home."

Impossible.  That was simply impossible.

***

I was awoken by my alarm.  The classical music it sounded had been some of
my favourite, but now was just annoying as I had come to associate it with
the beginning of another miserable day.

As I opened my eyes I realised I had fallen asleep on the floor, directly
underneath the physical embodiment of the problem which prevented my
happiness.  Truly I hated my creation.

"This must be how god feels."

Another school day.  I didn't know whether I should even go.  But if Mr
Stevens hadn't gone along with my request than hopefully it would come to
my attention before my parents; however that would only happen if I was
actually at school.  Besides I didn't feel like staring at my room would
help me figure things out, my brain needed new stimulus.  Plus, I had six
more days; surely I could do something with them.

I got up off the floor and for some reason my cheeks were hurting.  I
massaged my jaw as I opened my closet and got out my clothes for the day.
I took a long shower and performed my personal grooming rituals as if today
was just another day.  I made my way to the kitchen for breakfast but
didn't really feel like eating.  After a while spent standing idle in the
middle of the kitchen, mother breaks me out of my daze.

"Something wrong sweetie?"

My head snaps to her as I take a second to reply.  "...I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat something.  But be quick, we have to leave soon."

There was a fruit bowl on the counter so I took an apple.  I took an
effortful bite and with the piece sitting in my mouth I didn't even want to
chew it.  I threw the rest of it in the bin and grudgingly chewed the piece
in my mouth.

"Oh and Caleb..." mother was unexpectedly back in the living area, "the
Klandinsky's invited us to Duncan's birthday on Sunday."

Hearing his last name was enough the send chills of apprehension down my
spine.  I technically had till Monday until my time was up, but being near
him would only serve to distract, or worse, incite him to cut our deal
short.

I quickly regained myself and tried to get out of it.  "I'm sure the
invitation doesn't extend to me."

She walks over to the kitchen counter and produces a written invitation
from a pile of letters.  I looked it over as she gave it to me and my name
was clearly written after Eric and Alice.

"They wrote up actual invitations.  It MUST be important."  I say layering
the sarcasm on thickly.  A shift in Eric's posture at my remark let me know
he was paying attention to us and not the sports section of the news paper
in front of him.

Alice looked unimpressed by my disrespect of the occasion, making me
realise sarcasm wasn't the way out of the commitment.

"Mother, I have three weeks left of school, exams start next week.  Once
those three weeks are up my time becomes worthless and you can drag me to
as many eight year olds birthday parties and frivolous social functions as
you want.  But, right now my time actually has worth and I need to study."

"It won't be more than a few hours.  And Mike has done a lot for you
recently, it would be very bad manners to refuse his invitation Caleb."

I suppress a smirk.  If only she knew what Mikaihail had done for me... she
certainly wouldn't be sending me into the lion's den.

Eric puts down the paper and looks directly at me, as if to bait my next
smart aleck remark so he can feel all powerful and force me to go.  I
wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.  For a split second I wanted him
to know what was between Mikaihail and me, just so he'd realise how much
more I meant to his best friend than he did.  I threw the thought out of my
mind as my sanity re-emerged.  But I really didn't have to fight this
battle, there were easier ways to get out of going.  I'd just have to wait
till the date got closer.

"Fine, I'll go."  I say with an empty smile.

A few minutes later I followed mother out to the car.  As we were driving
towards the school I looked out the side window and regressed into myself,
I began mulling over the problem again.  It seemed like there had to be
something I was missing.  Debauchery and infidelity were part and parcel in
our society.  If so many people can engineer these things then why is it so
difficult for me?  What makes this situation so different?

"Are you alright Caleb?"

I slowly met her gaze as I realised the car was sitting idle outside the
school gate.  Not only was I losing track of reality but my emotions were
showing.  At a time when things were about to drastically change, letting
people see what was going on inside my head was definitely not a good
thing.

"Does it look like something is wrong?" I say as emotionlessly as possibly.

"You just seem distant lately."

A mother's intuition is a very annoying thing.

"As opposed to my usual warm and approachable self?"

She smiles at me.  "More distant than usual."

I faked a smile in reciprocation as I came up with an excuse.  "It's just
these exams.  This is the last year of grace I have.  After this,
everything I do has a direct effect on how my life will turn out.  What my
senior results will be, if I can get into med school, which med school, and
what placement I can get, who my mentors will be...  it just goes on like
that and it all starts here."

It's funny with how much precision I could remember what my previous life
was like.  What I said wouldn't of had been a lie if it was not for that
one lapse in Mikaihail's control.  Though I wouldn't be quite as despondent
as I am now - I had a lot more confidence in my ability to attain my
previous goals.  I had it all planned out till the day I died and now I
didn't even have an idea what would become of me by the end of the
week... make that six days.

She smiles at my statement in a maternalistic way, undermining the
seriousness I was trying to give my words.

"It that the, 'Oh, my son is neurotic,' expression?"

She shakes her head with her smile still attached. "No Caleb.  Do you know
what I thought to myself as you said that?"

"...no."

"I thought - I'm so luckily I didn't have a boring child.  Instead I got an
brilliantly intelligent one."

I genuinely smirk at her statement.  The dark humour was something I
appreciated, as if she would love me less if I weren't the way I was.  I
never really saw much of myself in my parents, but I had always hoped that
the influence their genes had on me came more from Alice.  This little
display gave my hope that was indeed the case.

For a second I thought whether to continue this conversation and decided it
couldn't hurt - I had covered all my bases.  "I'm not that smart.  I was
trying for hours last night to figure out this maths problem I came up with
but I couldn't... I have my limits."

She looked at my in that maternalistic way again and spoke with heartfelt
sincerity. "Caleb, you may not have had the time to gain all the expertise
other people have, but I know without a doubt that you are always the
smartest person in the room."  She paused to let what she said sink in.
"If you can't figure this problem out Caleb, then there probably isn't a
solution."

My mind had already come to that conclusion but hearing someone else say it
only served to solidify its inevitability. But I couldn't let myself
believe it, giving up wasn't an option, there is no alternative - I have to
figure this out.

I break our gaze and sullenly get out of the car.  I make my way across the
school grounds nestled deep within myself.  The first few classes of the
day went by without my noticing, it wasn't until sports class came around
did I make my first conscious decision of the day.  There was only one week
left of classes and I figured missing Mr Steven's class wouldn't be a bad
idea.  Besides, I doubt he would miss me or try to do anything about my
absence.

I decided to go to the library and continue to try and come up with a
brilliant solution to my problem.  Sitting down, and getting ever more
frustrated at my own idiocy as each minute passed with no progress, every
little thing began to annoy me: the way the fan sounded, the other students
turning the pages in their books, and most of all this stupid pain in my
cheeks which I have no idea why I have it.  My annoyance got the best of me
and I decided I would find out why the dull pain existed.

I got up and went to the medical section of the library and got some
medical textbooks as well as a few other references.  I looked at a diagram
of the cheek muscles and began feeling mine out to see which one was the
one that was hurting.  I eventual mapped it out and decided that the pain
was centred around the zygomaticus major.  After reading through the types
of muscle pain I finally found out what the pain I was feeling was called
an atrophy pain - pain of using muscles that have previous been underused.

I went to the computer and search for "zygomaticus major."  The first
results that popped up read: " a slender band of muscle on each side of the
face that arises from the zygomatic bone, inserts into the orbicularis oris
and skin at the corner of the mouth.  The zygomaticus major is the main
muscle used for smiling."

It took me a second to put two and two together but as soon as it clicked I
let out an unrestrained laugh in the quiet library.  Unfortunately that
used the zygomaticus major and I clenched my cheeks in pain and tried to
stop laughing.  I had been with Mikaihail for the past few days, by virtue
of that I had been happy.  He made me smile so much that the underused
muscle was now in pain from overuse.  I was sure he'd get a real kick out
of that knowledge.

I was stuck between laughing at the very idea of what had happened and
trying to not to laugh because of the pain of it.  Every time I started to
laugh it hurt and I had to hold my cheeks, even with them clenched I still
could not stop thinking of how ridiculous it was.

The pain now reminded me of what a great thing I had in my life and, even
though now I felt awful, I was attached to the most amazing person in the
world.  I only had to let my mind go back to our many embraces to feel
loved, fulfilled, and complete.

The other classes of the day went by without my attention.  Most of the
teachers had finished teaching for the year and just sat at their desks and
told the class to revise.  This of course resulted in everyone talking to
one another which actually seemed to serve the same purpose - the teachers
still didn't have to do anything.

In my own mind I had begun to realise that my usual logic wasn't going to
fix the problem.  I had exhausted that part of myself and I had reached the
limit of its utility.  What I needed to do was see the problem from a
different perspective - like I had been seeing it as a flat plane and now
needed to view it with a new dimension.  However, this wasn't something I
could will myself to do and that left me at a standstill.

I was still thinking about this when I was in my room later that night.
And then it happened.  Not what I wanted to happen, but the perspective
came anyway.  It was strange, I was immediately certain that Mikaihail had
seen it this way the whole time and only now did I see its simplicity.  The
fact was that I was looking at this like and equation being solved - each
factor needing its fix, its opposite, to balance it all out.  I was
frustrated in that so many people could orchestrate these kinds of things
when I could not.  When it all came down to it, my very thinking was the
problem.

This was not an equation, so it could not be solved.  I was use to problems
that could be solved, problems that, by design, had solutions.  But the
opposite was true; society was explicitly designed so this sort of thing
cannot happen.  Someone cannot lead two lives - there simply isn't enough
flexibility.  It could not be a solution, it had to be a resolution -
something had to give.  If Mikaihail wanted to be with me then he could not
simply add me to his life, something needed to be removed.  He had known
that all long and I simply wouldn't accept it - I believed that if I was
smart enough there would always be a workable solution.

I let the absolute nature of the knowledge soak in while staring at the
sculpture in my room, which now seemed to be a monument to futility.  What
I wanted from the beginning was to enhance Mikaihail's life.  I wanted the
addition of me to make him happier - to only ever be a positive thing.  As
long as I kept to that then it wouldn't be possible to regret my actions.
I could never forgive myself for hurting the most important thing in
existence.

I saw it as black and white, right and wrong, a line that could be walked
as long as I kept utter precision.  That kind of thinking only got me so
far - to this point - and now it had me trapped.  By following it, I was
now forced into doing what the exact purpose of it was not to do.  I had to
accept the fact that Mikaihail was attached to me at this point.  And not
to trivialise his feelings, like I wanted to, I also had to accept that
severing our connection at this point because I didn't want to cause him
pain would in fact cause him pain.  This all meant that the only certainty
was that I had failed and at the end of this Mikaihail would be - in at
least some respect - better off never having met me.

The knowledge made me feel sick with myself.  I was like a virus that only
had the potential to harm.  I wanted to be a positive thing for Mikaihail,
but, to him, I was toxic.  My involvement in his life served only to harm
him.

Through the self-hatred there was a decision to be made.  I was going to
hurt Mikaihail.  There was no getting around it, it was as certain as the
fact that the sun would rise tomorrow.  Now the question became: what is
the least wrong thing to do?

I had promised Mikaihail that I would give in - that if I failed at my
endeavour I would let him have his way.  I don't know how exactly he wanted
it to work out, but he would have to hurt people to do it - at least
Eleanor.  Mikaihail was not callous like me, hurting anyone he cared about
would tear at him.  And this path could possible get a lot worse.  He could
have to hurt more people - Duncan, Eric, Alice.  And me being in his life
gave even more potential for harm.  If anyone ever found out... he could
lose his job, his respect, his freedom... even me.

What was the other option?  I couldn't stay here.  If I didn't submit to
his will he would want to know why and I couldn't lie to him.  The reason
wouldn't be good enough for him, he would see it as his decision, and he
would get his way.

I had to leave.  Mikaihail would probably... definitely be hurt by my
abandonment. But it would end there.  No more potential for harm, no
possibility of losing everything he already has.  He would eventually get
passed me and it would be as if I had never entered his life.

Weighing up those two options it became more and more blaring which is the
right one... the least wrong one. I couldn't allow myself to think about
the consequences for me, I couldn't be selfish.  It wasn't just because
Mikaihail's needs were more important than mine, it was because I knew that
thinking of the outcome would only serve to eviscerate my mind.

I threw myself into packing.  I got out a duffle bag from my closet and
started stuffing clothes inside.  As I prepared for my departure I occupied
my mind with planning.  I thought about where I would go, where I would
live, how I would continue school and get a job.  I thought about how I
could conceal myself from people who may try and find me.  I explicitly
tried not to think of Mikaihail's reaction; the idea of him being fervent
in his efforts to find me only made the idea of leaving him hurt more.  The
idea that he cared was the worst.  I had what I wanted - he loved me - and
I had to throw that in his face.

I was quickly packed and had dressed myself for travel.  I stood in my room
realising this would be the last time I would see it.  I took it in and
realised that my sculpture was evidence of my relationship with Mikaihail.
I knew no one would be able to figure it out; it was my convoluted thoughts
put into an indecipherable code, but it still didn't seem smart to leave it
there.  It wouldn't take much to realise that it was related to my reason
for leaving.

I got the scissors out of my drawer and poised to cut it to bits.  My eyes
hit the string of mathematical symbols which denoted Mikaihail.  I stood
frozen.  Cutting the ribbon was the final step and then I would leave.

But I realised at that moment that Mikaihail was already out of my life.
His involvement in the story of my life was over, his name would never be
mentioned again in its pages.  That final embrace in the car, that final
smile he shot at me, that final intense look of affection.  All I had was
memories of Mikaihail... it was already over.

I couldn't do it.

I knew it was the right thing to do.  I knew I should leave.  Mikaihail was
too important to desecrate.  The absolute certainty simply wasn't enough.
In my mind there was no doubt of what I should do, and every part of it
urged me forward... but that wasn't all there was.  As much as my mind was
my throne, it wasn't strong enough.

I grip the scissors in my fist trying to will myself to do it.  But in the
end I lost, I was weak and I couldn't do anything to stop what was going to
happen.  I couldn't leave Mikaihail.  To say that I loved him simply didn't
capture it.

I slumped down on my bed in frustration and grip the scissors even tighter
in self-hatred.  The blade cut into my skin and I opened my fist in
reaction.  The blood dripped from my fingers but it wasn't anything
serious.  I watched the crimson liquid seep out of me and down my palm.  I
watched as it traced the veins in my wrist and flowed over the radial
artery.

I sat there as I realised there was another option.  If I couldn't will
myself to leave... I could take away the choice.  Hurting Mikaihail had to
be avoided as much as possible.  If I kept on the current path I wouldn't
be doing that.  If I ceased my... interference then I could do the right
thing.  Considering that then... this would be the best path.

I sat there for a second, seriously considering the option.  I broke out of
it and thought I was going insane.

I threw the scissors across the room. "No."

***

I woke up the next morning feeling as helpless as the night before.  I felt
like I was no longer a person.  A person has the ability to shape the world
around them; they make choices, choices based on logic and rationality.  I
didn't have that capacity anymore, I couldn't choose.  I was like ball
rolling down a hill, the laws of physics acting upon me.  Or a piece of
debris floating in the sea, being pull and moved by the tides, I moved and
changed but nothing that happened to me was in anyway controlled by me.  I
suppose in that metaphor you would also have to include a tidal wave on the
horizon, about to radically change everything.

There was nothing I could do.  All thought and planning was useless; they
didn't decide what would happen to me anymore.  I never felt so disarmed in
my life.  My feelings for Mikaihail had complete power over me.  Whenever I
gave into what he wanted, in my mind it was always because I wanted to make
him happy.  But perhaps that wasn't the case.

I always had complete control over my life.  There was nothing I couldn't
attain if I set my mind to it.  I relied on no one so there was no one to
let me down.  Now neither of those things are true.  I have no control over
my life, without any physical control I am being forced to do something I
truly don't want to do.  My fate is completely in someone else's hands and
there is nothing I can do but wait to see what he decided.

But maybe it isn't fair to say any of that.  Mikaihail didn't want to take
away my individual sovereignty.  Though it was the case, it was simply a
by-product of my attachment to him.  A by-product which destroyed my entire
world-view, but a by-product nonetheless.

It didn't matter how I saw it, or what was the most correct conception -
these things had no impact.  I just had to go about what was expected of
me.  I would still go to school and pretend like nothing was wrong.  All I
could do was wait for the end to encroach upon me.

I had five days left before it would all come crashing down.  But time was
no longer the issue.  Those days meant nothing.

***

As we pulled up in front of his house my aversion remained.  I didn't want
to go in, I didn't want to see him.  But neither of those things had any
impact on what was going to happen.  I was going to go in, I was going to
see him.  The sinking feeling of hopelessness was made worse with every
second that brought the reunion closer.

I was slow to open my door, Alice and Eric were already waiting for me
halfway across the road.  As I slowly make my way towards them, they turn
and lead the way to the familiar house which now seemed as intimidating as
the man himself.  As I lagged behind my parents across the lawn of the
front yard, the image of him walking in front of me, cold and emotionless,
the way he had moments before this whole thing began.  The moment of no
return, it was at that point that this conclusion had become inevitable; I
just couldn't see it then.

Alice rang the door bell as I caught up to them.  In my mind I could hear
his footsteps approach me, though there was nothing audible from the other
side of the door.  The rattle of the doorknob as it turned brought my
breathing to a stop.  The door opened in exaggerated slowness and after a
week's separation there he was, standing only a few feet away from me.

From the outside it would look like two adult couples and a tag along
child.  But the real dynamic was hidden below the surface and a whole lot
more sinister.  As our eyes connected there was a very cocksure smile on
his face. Clearly he was excited to see me again, he truly had missed me.
But he could have looked cold or angry or even completely emotionless, I
would only had read his face one way, the meaning behind his expression
would not have changed - 'Time's up'.

The genuineness of his smile only lasted a second.  The moment he read my
face he could see my distress.  For someone who had studied me as intensely
as he had, my inner turmoil might as well have been branded across my
forehead.  The protectiveness was written in every micro-movement of his
face, clearly the very site of me had shaken him.  He quickly turns his
gaze to Eric as he replies to his greeting which my ears didn't register.
He was still shaking Eric's hand before his attention returned to me, like
he needed to assure himself that nothing had happened to me in the
intervening 3 microseconds I was not the centre of his attention.

Eleanor led the way to the party area while Mikaihail, quite strategically,
motioned everyone to pass him.  I was the last one to enter and I
intentionally tried not to make eye contact with him as I passed the
threshold.  Less than a single step inside the house I was stopped.  His
hand was clasped around my shoulder with a speed I didn't even see.

I unsurely look up towards him, meeting his gaze.  The severe look of
concern on his face could be mistaken for dread.  But that wasn't all,
there was some anger in his eyes.  The only conclusion I could come to was
that he was angry at me for insisting on leaving him and coming back in
this state.

His expression remained fixed, like he was stuck and didn't know how to
proceed on the subject of me.  I knew it wouldn't be long before one of the
three adults walking down the hallway would look back and see the spectacle
so I had to remedy the situation as quickly as I could.  The only thing
that came to mind wasn't my most brilliant formulation.

I looked into his eyes and gave him a weak smile, hoping that would be
enough to reassure him I wasn't going to die if he let go, while not making
him think I was trying to cover up what was really happening inside.

I motioned down the hallway with my eyes and he reluctantly let go and led
me through to the other side of his house, standing less than an inch
behind my back.

As we neared the backyard I could see more and more of the people who
filled the patio and pool area.  I was never one for crowds but in my
current state all I wanted to do was crawl into a foetal position which
made it all the worse to be here.  There must have been about 50 people -
children around Duncan's age and their parents.  The parents were all
engaged in conversation in little subgroups while their children ran loose
all around the place.

I just wanted to leave, I didn't want to be around people.  I didn't have
the strength anymore to put on a personable face and make idol conversation
and pretend to be interested in their sad and pathetic lives.  I saw a few
of the fathers around the BBQ notice Mikaihail as we stepped out onto the
patio.  They motioned him over and called his name.

Mikaihail grasped my shoulder tightly from behind me. "Caleb." He said in
low gruff tone.  I turned my head slight towards the direction he was
behind me.  "Stay where I can see you."  He commanded.  I could sense the
anger in his tone, making the command sound almost like a threat.  I
lowered my head slightly in a subtle nod.

He headed over to the other fathers with a sunny disposition, his mask back
in place.  I wanted to go inside and find a secluded room but that wasn't
an option anymore.  I decided to get a drink and try to blend in with the
scene.  I slumped against the glass wall of the house far enough away from
the crowd not to be drawn into random conversation but not so far that I
looked like a loner.

I looked down into my carbonated drink and thought about how unappetising
it was.  I hadn't eaten in the past 5 days; my appetite has completely left
me.  Just looking at food made me feel queasy, like my body didn't have to
energy to digest anymore.

Every second was a painful experience.  It wasn't just trying to act normal
but also trying not to look at Mikaihail.  My mind yearned for him. I
wanted to stare and fill my mind with his image. I wanted to go over and
fall into his embrace, let him make this unbearable feeling go away.  That
only made me hate myself more, this emotionally unstable dependant I had
become was a sorry excuse for a human being.

I resisted the urge by focusing on other things.  I observed the kids as
they ran around the house and yard.  I looked at the resemblances with the
adults and tried to place which child was the result of which pair.  I
listened to the conversation some of the mothers were having and felt that
even their existence of cheap shotting each other and attempts to bolster
their families perceived worth would be a preferable existence to my own.

After what must have been an hour of torture I was broken away from my
attempts at distraction.  Mikaihail got a beer from a cooler near me and
casually leaned against the wall right beside me.  His imposition
intensified and with it, my body's yearning to reach out to him.  I let the
hatred for the feeling resist the urge.  We stood in silence for a few
seconds.  I wanted to avoid the subject, to put off the inevitable.  I just
found any random thought to fill the silence and force the opportunity to
pass.

"That woman over there has a striking resemblance to Eleanor.  I figure a
sister.  But, with the exception of Duncan, I don't see anyone here who
bears any resemblance to you."

Mikaihail smirks at my statement, like he could see the real purpose behind
it.  "No.  The Klandinsky clan isn't the size it was when I was Duncan's
age."  He comments back as if to humour me, though his seriousness is
untainted.

"No relatives at all?"  I try desperately to continue with the conversation
that didn't end with me ruining his life.

He thinks for a short time before responding.  "My father's cousin is back
in Russia."  He smirks again. "Though I don't know what relation that makes
him to me."

I finish taking a sip from my drink.  "First cousin, once removed."

He genuinely chuckles and looks down at me in an almost loving way.

I continued, "if you ask it like a question and I'm going to answers it
like it's on a test."

Was it not for his serious demeanour and my inner turmoil it might have
been a nice moment for me.

"So, are you finished with trying to distract me?"

So much for diversion...

"Our agreement still has one day remaining. And besides, perhaps a party
full of people isn't the best place to talk about this."  I say trying to
sound condescending and dismissive, but it's difficult to put more effort
into my facade.

"No Caleb."  His anger was noticeable again.  "You don't get to walk
through that door looking like that and still get a say in this!"  He
quickly squelched his anger and tried to adjusts himself nonchalantly to
avoid any attention he many have arisen.

I turned to look at him directly.  There could be no other emotion on my
face but helplessness.  I couldn't think of anything to say, to make him
take another path, to make him not want to be with me.

We stare into each other's eyes for a moment before the standoff is broken.

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to..."  At that moment Eleanor
emerges from the house holding a cake with 8 candles, alight with flame.

As she moved toward the main table at the centre of the patio, all the
children began running toward the cake and the adults stopped their
conversations and watched the spectacle.

I motioned to Mikaihail to go and celebrate his child's birthday.  He
looked at me intensely, like I was trying to get rid of him.  Truly that
was the case.

He went over to the table and stood behind Duncan as he stared at the cake,
the light reflecting in his eyes.  The song ended and as Duncan blew out
the candles, in that moment, Eleanor took Mikaihail's hand and rested her
head on his arm.

In the split second the image was created, I broke.  I couldn't stay.  I
couldn't watch.  I walked into the house in a hastened stride.  My mind
wasn't coherent enough to deduce what exactly I was reacting to.  Was I
jealous? Was it seeing what I was going to destroy?  Was it seeing the
norm, what Mikaihail's life was supposed to be?  I didn't know...

I made my way down the hall and into the media room; it was the furthest
away from everyone else.  I stared through the glass out onto the front
yard as my eyes kept watering and the sinking feeling gripped my chest.

That feeling began to take hold, like I was losing my sense of reality.  My
vision blurred and I couldn't hear anything clearly.  The pain was taking
me under.  Without warning I felt a hand on my arm.  I swung around in
reaction.

"Caleb!"  His voice was full of concern.  He looked into my eyes searching
the pain.

My body began to react to his tight grip on my arm.  I could feel the all
consuming emotion begin to wash away everything.  I flung his hand off me.
"No Mikaihail!"

I stared at him intensely warding him off.

He didn't care for my warning.  My fierce expression only gave him a
second's hesitation, perhaps only due to surprise, before he stalked toward
me - disregarding my obvious aversion.  I unsteadily retreated as he
advanced upon me, his eyes stern and severe like there was nothing that
could stop him until he got what he wanted.

I could see the opportunity to save him from me slipping.  As soon as he
got hold I would lose what little conviction I had.  His arm extended
toward me as he quickly closed the distance.  And in that moment of
helplessness, when all seemed lost, my mask slipped and he froze in
position.

He stared at me, unbelieving and hurt.  "Caleb..."  his voice full of pain
as he pronounced my name "...you're afraid of me?"

I stared into his eyes, melting with pain, an attack that bypassed his
hard, muscled, seemingly impenetrable exterior and went right for his
heart.  The only reason I could hurt him like that was because he loved
me... and I was using that against him. I felt like the most despicable
person alive, knowing that I was probably the only person in his life who
had hurt him so severely in such an underhanded way.

But I would feel worse if my real fears were realised.  The fear that it
was all over was still gripping me, but I had to think quickly - I hadn't
failed him yet, I could still save him from me.

I stared at him with that same expression, trying to find a way out.  But
what could I say?  I've been through this a thousand times in my head and
there was no way out.

"Mi..."  I couldn't say him name.  I looked away and took an effortful
swallow.  "Please...  Go back.  Walk away. Just turn around and forget
me..."

His pain was twisted with confusion, he didn't understand.  His face broke
free as he threw aside his pain, his bewilderment, with the overwhelming
emotion I could only describe as disgust.

"No Caleb! You're MINE!" His eyes flared with a burning rage.  "There is no
way this ends without me holding you." He rage was calmed by his own
declaration; he stared at me with hostile sincerity.  "That was decided
seven days ago... when I held you like you were going to die."

I looked into his eyes with tears beginning to well in the eyes of my own
fear ridden face.  "No Mikaihail..."  His ferocity of love for me made me
want to cry in happiness, but my tears were for him - I could only see this
situation as a form of suicide.

"What is wrong with you Caleb?  What could make you look like that?" I
could see the concern, anger, frustration, and even rejection plain on his
face.  "Just tell me what it is and I'll make it go away."

"...not everything is so easily fixed."

His frustration coming to the forefront as he repeats
himself. "Just. Tell. Me."

"What are you doing Mikaihail? There's a patio full of people out
there... your friends... your family... there isn't a place for me..." I
stared at him intensely "...and quite rightly so."

His hostility broke as he grinned at me comfortingly.  "...That's what the
house is for."  He took advantage of my metaphor.

He moved closer almost encircling me against the wall.  But he was still
cautious, careful not to touch me.  "Caleb, if loving you is wrong, then
fuck what's right...Why do you torture yourself with this Caleb?  You have
enough to worry about; I can take care of myself... as well as you."  He
smiled at me, but there wasn't complete genuineness behind it - like he was
trying to diffuse the situation or convince himself that everything was
alright.  "Is that it Caleb?  ..You had me worried."

I wipe my eyes and look at him as sternly as I am capable - I was not going
to give up.  "That's not it...  I haven't been away all this time thinking
of a great plan to make everything work...  No Mikaihail, I spent the last
week coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't Eleanor, or Eric, or
anyone else, that if anyone was going to hurt you - it would be me."

His farce was gone, he wasn't trying to make things better with a smile
anymore, he now looked betrayed and angry.  "You promised me Caleb.  You
promised me that you would give in after a week, no matter what."

I looked down in shame "...and I'm sorry to break that..."  I truly was
"...I would never want to break a promise to you..."  I stared back up at
him with the last of my resolve.  "But I can't just hurt you; there is no
justice in that."

He looked at me intensely for a second, like he was trying to get around my
complicated thoughts and make things better.  He declared he wasn't leaving
without me, but I'm certain he would want that to happen in the best
possible circumstance; not that the worst possible circumstance would stop
him.  His expression changed, like an idea had hit him.

"If you believe that Caleb, than why are you here?  Why even come to me?"
The emotion in his words was almost triumphant.

I looked away in shame, knowing I'd have to admit my failure.  "Believe me,
I tried not to.  When I figured this all out, that I couldn't be in your
life without hurting you...  I tried just saying no to all of this, I tried
staying away... hell I even tried to run away..."

He cut me off "You what!"  His calm, confident demeanour disappearing.

I just kept going with my explanation "... But I couldn't.  Even though I
knew it was the right thing to do, to do what would be best for you, I
couldn't."  I looked at him helplessly "Every time you hold me I grow more
attached to you and every time it's over I feel like I've reached the
pinnacle, like I could be no more dependent upon you.  But each time it
happens it grows and it's like reality and my mind shift and there's a new
limit I've reached and it's scary Mikaihail... it's really scary."

He looked at me with a fiercely protective and loving face and he closed
the small distance between us and began entwining me in his arms.

As his imposition took over I knew the window to save him was closing and
there was no more I could do.  "No Mikaihail..." I pleaded weakly as his
arms came around me "No... no...  no...."  he embraced me tightly resting
his chin on my head "I'm so sorry" I spoke as the last of my conviction
left me forever.

My mind cleared for a moment, no sadness, no fear, no self-hatred, like I
was completely blank and didn't know who I was.  The reprieve in itself was
refuge I sorely needed, but as quickly as my mind left it started to
quickly fill with the familiar feeling that only Mikaihail inspired.  As
the feeling took hold I slowly moved my arms around him, unsure my actions
were condonable. As the feeling grew I unsurely grasped his bicep, the
reassurance inspired by holding onto him made me hold tighter.  I pressed
myself into him and after a week of being apart from him, I couldn't resist
the way everything felt so perfect when he held me.

He responded, squeezing me tightly against him, as he let out a slow even
exhale.  He held me in an inescapable hold and with my head against his
chest I could hear his heartbeat gradually slow.  As it came down to an
almost normal level he loosened his grip on me by an almost unnoticeable
amount.

"Caleb..." his demeanour had changed again, he was serious and unnaturally
calm.  "...There is nothing that could hurt me more than if I lost
you... though this feeling comes close."

I answer cautiously from within his ironclad hold "...what feeling?"

"You wanting to leave me." A sharp pain stabs my heart in reaction to his
words

"I don't want to ever be without you Mikaihail, I don't even know if I
could." I couldn't even dance around the truth with his imposition strong
inside me.  "But being the thing that destroys you would be worse than
death; and allowing it, for my own sake, would be the most selfish act I
could commit."

"The only thing that isn't completely under my control is you, Caleb, and
the thought that I'm not there to protect you makes me crazy.  I lose my
mind not knowing if you're safe." He calmness slips and he takes a second
to continue.  "You're not going to hurt me Caleb; not unless you leave."

"You could lose everything with me."

"I would lose a whole lot more without you."

"But... you could even lose me."

His grip tightens again and he remains silent for a moment.  "If I could
promise you that would never happen. Could you let this go?"

"There are things even you couldn't stop."

He stays silent again, just like before.  It felt as if he wasn't just
thinking of what to say, but whether to say it to me.  "I've thought about
this almost every day since it happened and especially in this past week.
And I can promise you this Caleb."

How did he see a way out of the things that I was sure were infallible.
"..How can you promise that?"

He returned to his silence, the same hesitant feeling came to me, like he
didn't want to say what was in his head.  He held me even tighter against
him and rested his head on mine protectively.

"Because my Caleb..."  His voice was solemn and intense, like what he was
about to say was the thing he was most certain of in the world. "I pity the
person who tries to take you away from me."

My eyes shot open and I swallowed in surprise.  I had never heard him sound
like that before; in his words was a threat, undoubtable in its certainty
of intention, a threat to the entire existence.  A man unrestrained by
presence of mind, there was no doubt, his capacity was limitless.

I tried to process, but I wasn't sure how I felt.  I thought I should feel
guilty for inspiring this kind of malice in a person so pure.  I thought I
should feel scared, for him, this gave more potential for harm if he ever
acted on this threat.  I thought I should feel scared, for myself, because
I knew what that kind of mind is capable of, a mind unbound by humanity, I
knew because I had always been that way.  But I didn't feel any of those
things.  I now saw Mikaihail's accomplished life, affluence, strength,
single-mindedness, and position in society as more than just something to
be admired, turned against you it was something to be feared.  Mikaihail,
in his entirety, had the power and the means to destroy.  And the only
thing that came of that, the only feeling that welled inside me, all I felt
was comforted.

Still stunned I am broken from my efforts to sort of my head.  "I'm sorry
for frightening you, Caleb." He sounded upset and regretful at what he had
said.  But worse than that he loosened his hold on me, as if he thought I
wanted him to let go.

I took advantage of his loosened grip and moved my head away from him
without letting go of the embrace.  As our eyes met I could see the
trepidation in his eyes.  I stared at him for a moment, completely
emotionless, before slowly closing the distance between our lips.  I kiss
his lips slowly, waiting for his reciprocation.  I retreat, staring
directly into his eyes with no distance between us.

"I'm not afraid of you."  I kiss him again.  "I love you."

 I feel his hand run cautiously up my back, as he reaches the back of my
head his takes charge and forcefully kisses me back.  The act seemed to
reassure him that I was still his. He slowly eases the intensity of his
kiss before breaking the contact.

He stares back into my eyes and the feeling of his hold no longer feels
forceful and fraught, instead the way he held me felt loving and
protective, like I was the most precious thing to him.

He took his hand and ran his fingers down the side of my face; I had missed
even these small loving displays of affection.

"So, is it over now inside that head of yours?" He says with a hint of
teasing.

I begin to smile but quickly suppress it out of embarrassment.

"Is the Fiji Caleb back with me?"

I couldn't suppress the smile that came this time.  Remembering our perfect
overseas trip brought me back to how happy and simple we could be.

He brings my head back to his chest, enfolds me in his arms and holds me
tightly against him.  "There you are my Caleb."

A minute passed as the resolution solidified.  He spoke unexpectedly "I'm
sorry for not being there for you this week.  You just really wanted to
leave..."  He began to rub my back reassuringly as he spoke.  " and I
didn't want to break you, force you to do something you didn't want
to... But I knew I shouldn't of had let you go."  Even in the serenity I
could still hear the slightest amount of self-hatred lining his words.

"You really can't blame yourself for this.  I was too stubborn to believe I
couldn't do it.  And you were just being your perfect self and supporting
me.  This is really my fault.  You should be angry at me."

Inside his arms I can feel his chuckle emanating from within his chest.

We remained silent for a moment. I thought about what this meant and I
realised that I had no idea what was going to happen now.  I had thought
about these days to ad nauseam, what would we do, what would happen, and
now none of that applied.  I really had no idea what Mikaihail wanted to
happen.

"Mikaihail..." I began.  I had my own trepidation about his answer; he
wasn't the most careful person.

"Yes, my Caleb."  His deep soothing voice caressed every syllable of my
name as he spoke from within the serenity.

"What now?" The apprehension still plain in my voice.

"Hmm?"

"Well... you win. We'll do it your way."

"Finally! He submits."  He triumphantly teases me.

"So... what is your way."

He remains quiet for a few seconds.  "My car's in the garage."

Now I was quiet, not quite sure if he was joking.  If he was joking, it was
in bad taste.  "That's not funny Mikaihail."

He grabs my arms, pulling me away from him so he can look directly into my
eyes.  "I'm not joking.  I want to be alone with you, right now.  I'm not
going to wait when there's nothing stopping me."

"Nothing stopping you?" I retort incredulously. "We're at Duncan's birthday
party.  My parents are on the other side of this house.  Just us being away
for this long is a very good reason to stop."

He exhales discontentedly.  "So much for submitting."

I don't know if he meant it, but to me his reaction read that he thought I
didn't want to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me.  I was a
little annoyed by his arrogance and his trivialising of me... well I wanted
to be, but I still couldn't be annoyed by him, not matter how hard I tried.
But him misreading something so important to me didn't sit well.

"I love you Mikaihail, and I want a life with you, I really do.  But that's
not an excuse for being stupid.  I want to make sure our life together will
never be broken and I want that to be easy."

He sounds a low growl in annoyance.  "So what do you want then, my Caleb?
Name it and I'll give it to you."

"I need the chance to break my ties.  So I can run to you without a time
limit to be back.  I just need a few hours and it'll all be over."

His expression hardened, his voice reverted back to hostility.  "You think
I'm going to let you go again after what happened to you.  No.  You're
staying with me."

I looked past the expression and focused on the man I loved, trying to
speak sincerely, to convince him.  "I'm not trying to be away from you.  I
want to stay with you and never leave your embrace.  But I don't want to
put you in a position where you'll have to sacrifice things for me."  I
realised as I spoke that there wasn't a way around that completely.  "At
least not unnecessarily; when it's so easy to avoid.  It would tear at me
Mikaihail, I'm not willing to live with that."

"I've lived 42 years of my life without you, I have no patience."

I stared at him pleadingly.  "Please Mikaihail, do it for me.  When I fall
into your arms... lay against you... make love with you... I want my mind
to be clear... not racked with guilt."

The hostility in his eyes melted as they bore into mine.  He didn't want to
give me the time, but the look in his eyes so obviously showed that more
than that, he wanted to make me happy.  He wanted to give me everything he
was capable of giving... and that included time.  "You have to promise me
that if I let you go, you won't run away... and you'll do your best not to
do this to yourself again."

I curled my arms around his neck and smiled at him, pleased with his
allowance.  He smiled back at me, happy knowing he had made me smile.  I
tried to sound serious while not letting go of my appreciation.  "This was
my last ditch effort." I move my hands to his shoulders and grip onto his
muscles tighter. "I really don't think I could leave you.  I won't leave
here with any will to fight, every second I will want to run back to you,
every second will hurt..."

At that moment we heard running footsteps on the tiles of the hallway.  I
quickly let go of Mikaihail and moved back from him just before a small
child ran past the entranceway of the room.

I exhaled in relief and combed my hand through my hair - a stress response.
As soon as the relief was gone my body realised it had let go of Mikaihail.
A deep sinking feeling took hold and my mind screamed at me to grab a hold
of him, to feel his arms around me.  As the feeling Mikaihail inspired was
slowly leaving me, my body reacted to it like a drug, like it was sure it
wasn't going to survive without it.

My breathing became deep and laboured as I fought the feeling.  I had to do
this, for us, I couldn't be weak... I couldn't give in.  I caught his eyes
and he could see the subtle signs of distress I failed to completely hide.

As he moved towards me I held out my hand and pushed my fingertips against
his hard body.  He stopped and looked at me, a soft burning in his eyes.

"The next time you hold me, I don't want it to be like this.  I don't want
it to feel secretive or like it's something that shouldn't be happening.
That's over.  The next time you hold me I want it to feel like all that's
gone, and we're going to be together forever... like it's normal and us not
being together is what's unusual.  I want it to mark the start of us
being... no longer separate."

I push the hollowness down further and smirk at him.  I could see that he
didn't want to let me go either.  His eyes strained with restraint.

"Plus, I doubt I'd be able to leave your arms again..." I smile at him, at
the future prospect "...so the next time... I don't want to have to."

He stood still, motionless.  The fact that he didn't embrace me anyway was
answer enough.  Him doing that was the natural path he would have taken,
his omission was the real decision.

"I'm going to find Alice... You should get back to everyone..." I brought
my hand to his face.  "Just a few more hours and this will all be over."

I began walking to the exit of the room as I felt his hands on my
shoulders, gripping me tightly.  "Stay safe, my Caleb.  Protect the most
important thing to me while I cannot."

"As long as you love me, then there's worth in staying safe."

He squeezed my shoulder.  "Caleb, love, is far too common of a word to
describe the way I feel about you."  I placed a hand on top of his.  He
slowly loosened his grip enough for me to move out of it.  I looked at his
face serenely as I could before I dropped his hand and determinedly walked
away; suppressing all the feelings I was left with.

I pushed the agony away and willed the part of me that was capable of
emotion to ice over.  As I approached the patio I scanned for Alice but
couldn't see her.  I was taken away from the scene when I heard clanking
coming from the kitchen; I hoped it was her.

As I neared the kitchen I could hear whimpering.  I hugged the wall and
slowly moved to the side of the doorway hoping I could hear.  I could make
out that it was Eleanor crying, mother was with her and they were talking,
but so softly that I could only here syllables here and there.  I tried to
piece together something but it was impossible.  I didn't really matter,
she was probably upset about something trivial, like someone criticising
her hair.

I was about to give up when unexpectedly Eleanor audibly cried out, "He
hasn't even touched me for months!" Alice hushed her soothingly and Eleanor
spoke softer but I could still here, "Last night I was trying and he just
kept saying no" she continued exasperated, "I grabbed him and he pushed me
away, got out of bed and left!"

I was taken aback; it was like a reminder of reality, of what was really
going on.  It felt perfect with Mikaihail, but hearing Eleanor slapped me
back to reality and what we were really doing.

I wondered whether I should even go in, but I couldn't stay in Mikaihail's
house much longer if I wanted my will to keep its hold on the urge to run
to him.

As I passed the threshold I saw Eleanor crying and Mother was comforting
her.  They were both facing away from the entrance but mother heard my
intrusion and looked at me as I entered.  She quickly walked to me and
blocked my view of the spectacle.

I thought of what I should say "Is there something I can do?"  Truly I felt
nothing for Eleanor; she took Mikaihail for granted and just wanted the
life style he afforded her.  Though hearing her had affected me, it wasn't
for her sake.

"No Caleb.  Did you need something?" she was her usual caring self but she
obviously wanted me to go away so she could attend to her friend.

"Just wanted to tell you I was leaving.  I've got to get back to studying."

"Of course.  Your father and I will be back later."  I just nodded,
relieved I could escape the temptation to give in to my feelings.

I quickly exited the house, not even checking to see if Mikaihail had made
it back to the party.

***

I walked the two blocks back to the house.  I had my English exam in two
days but I couldn't relax my mind enough to study for it.  I planned out
how I would break my ties with Alice and Eric.  That didn't take long
though, all I needed to do was make some minor adjustments to a plan I
thought of back at the beginning of the week.

I needed to wait until they got home and as the minutes passed and they
didn't arrive it felt as if time slowed down.  I would check the clock so
often that sometimes not even a minute would pass since my last glace.  At
first I just believed it was nerves making the time feel longer than it
actually was but as the hours passed I realised that something was amiss
and my parents should have arrived home ages ago.

I began to feel very tense to the point of nausea - this really wasn't a
time for the unexpected.  I continually tried to occupy my mind to help
time pass but, when given the freedom, my mind would only generate hundreds
of possible catastrophes that could of have occurred after I left.  As
usual my mind was not kind to me with the possibilities it generated only
getting more horrific as time passed and the urge to run out the door and
find out what was going on became almost impossible to resist.  The feel of
being useless in a possible situation where I could do something only added
to the nausea in my chest.  But I knew that in all likelihood whatever was
going on, my involvement probably wouldn't help - this knowledge did
nothing for my unease.

As the urge became almost unbearable, and I was about to fling myself out
the door and make a bee-line to the house at full sprint, the sound of
footsteps ascending the stairs hit my ears.  In the few seconds I had to
prepare I tried to calm myself down and not appear too frantic when they
came through the door.  Alice and Eric entered the living room with unusual
expressions on their faces, as she noticed me waiting Alice gave me a weak
smile and said nothing.

"...You guys are getting back late." I could hear the urgency in my voice
as I spoke but hoped it didn't register for them.

They looked at each other in an uneasy manner.

"We were just helping out Caleb."  Alice spoke unsurely.

I got the feeling she choose her words carefully.  I wanted to inquire
further, Mikaihail's situation was the only thing on my mind; but in the
eyes of Alice her child's over interest in her friends may be suspicious,
and I couldn't afford suspicion, not now.  As excruciating as it was, I had
to let it go.

"How is the study going?"

Right... what I was supposed to be doing.  "Well, I'm pretty sure I know
MacBeth better than Shakespeare did."

"That's good honey..." her mind was still occupied with something else
"...I'll start dinner."

Eric just huffed and plonked himself on the couch.

I remained still as I tried to shake the feeling of uselessness.  I walked
back to my room with the burning urge to call Mikaihail, but I couldn't do
it with my parents around and there might be people around him... It was
going to be an agonising night for me.

I sat in my desk chair and rehearsed the coming conversation.  As much as I
felt I should feel apprehension over what I was about to try and pull off,
the emotion consuming me was loneliness.  My mind urged me to just leave,
find Mikaihail and fall into his arms.  But the smarter side of me knew I
had one thing left to do before I could... that side would lose out if I
had to hold on much longer.

All the mental effort was taking its tole and I knew that soon it would be
too much, I wouldn't be able to keep it up.  What was left of me was very
little; the part of me that existed independent of Mikaihail would die
soon.  I needed it to hold out just for tonight but deep down I knew that
part of me was suicidal - it wanted to die.

"Caleb, dinner's ready."  Mother called out to me from down the hall.

I tried to breathe evenly in an effort to calm myself before I made my way
to the kitchen.

I took my place at the table and yet again food seemed unappetising to me.
I thought whether I should wait before jumping in but my mind yelled at me
to hurry up.

I tried to initiate conversation as nonchalantly as possible.  "So Mother."
Alice looked up at me as she was chewing her food. "I was thinking, about
this..."

I was interrupted as someone burst through the door.  Eleanor looked like a
mess.  Her cheeks were puffy, tears running down her face, her hair looked
unkempt, her clothes dishevelled.  She looked at Alice on the verge of
breaking down further as Alice quickly got out of her chair and took her
into a hug.  Alice hurriedly led her down the corridor to her room.

As soon as the door closed Eleanor cried out so loudly I'm certain the
neighbours could hear, "He left!"

I looked at Eric as he mimicked my startled expression.

Mother replied something too muffled to make out from behind the door. But
Eleanor's reply was not.

"He packed a suitcase and... and... he left!" She managed to cry out
between sobs.

The same feeling I had when I heard her in the kitchen took me.  I knew all
of this would happen but I really didn't handle it as I thought I would.  I
thought it wouldn't affect me at all, but it did.  I couldn't get this
quote out of my head, it was annoying that I couldn't place it, and as it
inarticulate as it was it seemed to be very apt: 'shit just got real.'

This continued for a few minutes as Eric and I looked around the room
trying to seem as normal as possible, pretending we weren't hearing
everything.  She didn't say much else, just that he said he wasn't coming
back and he took his car.

Alice came down the hallway in a hastened stride.  She entered the kitchen
and filled a glass with water.  As she was returning back the way she came,
an idea hit me.

"Mother." I called to her as I got out of my chair and met her at the mouth
of the hallway.

She turned around and looked at me expectantly, wanting the deal with
whatever I had to say and get back to Eleanor. "Yes?"

I shifted my eyes back and forth like what I was about to say should have
been thought of before this point.  "I might go check on Duncan."

She looked at me a little guiltily.  I hoped only in an empathetic sense, I
knew whose failure this really was. "That would be a good idea." She
quickly turned around and started for her room, "Make sure to take a coat."

I followed Alice's direction, but mostly so I would have the chance to grab
Mikaihail's phone in the process and then returned to the living area. As I
was leaving Eric was still sitting at the table, like he was unable to
decide what he should do in the situation.  Though probably the only thing
going on in his head was whether or not it would be bad manners to start
watching TV.

As I exited the house I found Eleanor's car on the curb, the door wide
open.  I closed it; it would look bad in front of the house.  There was a
chill in the air as I walked the two blocks to Mikaihail's house in the
dark, the light from the residences' illuminating the sidewalk.  His house
was dark as I approached it, looking like some kind of fortress.  The front
door was unlocked; though this wasn't a bad neighbourhood I couldn't help
but roll my eyes at Eleanor's idiocy.

I walked through his home; the large house was strange being so void of
life.  I climbed the stairs and made my way to Duncan's room.  As I slowly
opened his door I could see him asleep in his bed, a dull light emitting
from his tableside lamp.  I guessed Eleanor and Mikaihail must have had
their fight after he was already asleep.

I sat in his desk chair and looked over him, this miniaturised version of
Mikaihail.  He looked so happy while he was sleeping.  To think he has no
idea his world has been irrevocably changed... combusted.  No that was
wrong too; it was me, I had purposefully destroyed his world.

Sitting here I realised I did feel something for Duncan.  The thought of
him ever finding out my part in his parent's breakup and the hatred he
would feel for me... I didn't want him to feel that malevolence towards me.
But truly, there could be no more justified emotion.  Coming into his room
I felt as if I was there to protect him, though in reality nothing could be
further from the truth.

After several minutes sitting with him I felt uneasy, guilty really.  I got
out of the chair and decided to skulk around.  It was strange moving
through the empty house, seeing the torn streamers and half deflated
balloons, I knew it was only in my head but the house physically felt like
a broken home.  I took a seat in the dilapidated party area, letting the
chill numb me and my emotions.

I grabbed Mikaihail's phone from my pocket and apprehensively punched in
the number I had long since memorised, knowing I'd have to admit my
failure.

He picked up on the first ring. "Caleb?  Are you alright?" There was a
sense of urgency in his voice; of course he would have been awaiting my
call.

"I'm fine," I try to alleviate his alarm, "I'm at your house actually."  I
said as evenly as I could.  Hearing his voice just intensified the screams
in my head to run to him.

"Why?" The alarm in his voice still present with the unexpected situation.

"Well I was about to talk to Alice and Eric when y..." I stopped myself
from saying 'your wife' "Eleanor burst in the door... So I volunteered to
look after Duncan to get away... And here we are."  Hearing it out loud hit
home the fact that a 10 minute difference would have meant I'd be in
Mikaihail's arms right now.  "So now I'm stuck until tomorrow night."

"Caleb..." His tone almost angry.

"I know..." I quickly reacted to his tone, but empathised with the feeling
in my own depressed way, "...I know.  This isn't easy for me either.  It's
killing me I'm not with you."  It was.

He remained silent for a moment, disarmed of his anger. "...I could be
there in a few minutes."

'YES!' my mind yelled. I took an effortful swallow as I held to my sanity
"...No.  I'd just have to let go of you again."  My voice broke as I wasn't
able to hide my dying will.

"You're killing me Caleb."  The tone of his voice made me question who this
extra day would be harder for.

"I'm sorry."As bad as I felt I really couldn't do anything about it. We
remained silent for a moment, out of the blue a random unsettlingly thought
hit me. "Oh god, please tell me you're not spending the night at some
sleazy motel."

He sounded his familiar deep chuckle "No Caleb, that's one thing you
definitely don't have to worry about."

There was another long pause, neither of us knowing what to say.  "I'm
sorry about this whole thing Mikaihail."

"None of this is your fault Caleb..." He was interrupted by something,
"There's another call coming in."

"Maybe Eric's being a decent friend..." I lightly joked; I didn't want to
let him go.

"I'll get you tomorrow Caleb." He answered my tone, his own sullen over the
situation.

I ended the call, put down the cell and spoke to no one. "Certainly feels
like my fault."

After an hour or so I returned to Duncan's room and drifted off to sleep in
his chair.

***

I was awoken by the slamming of the front door.  Judging by the light
outside it was early morning.  I looked over at Duncan as his eyes met
mine, woken by the door as well.

"Caleb? What are you doing here?" He spoke sleepily, yet for some reason he
sounded happy.

As I heard Eleanor climbing the stairs I realised that these would be the
very last moments of Duncan's untainted youthful innocence.  Soon he would
be introduced to the harsh reality of life.  And all because of me, I had
taken it from him.

I smiled at him as sincerely as I could, waiting for Eleanor to finish
climbing the stairs and interrupt us so I didn't have to give an answer.
Instead she unexpectedly passed the closed door and went for her own room.

My mind came back to Duncan, "I was just checking up on you.  You're
parents were busy last night." My disingenuous smile seemed to make him
happy.

I had never spent much time with anyone Duncan's age so I really didn't
know what to do.  I could just leave but I didn't want to leave him alone.
"How does breakfast sound?"

He nodded at me excitedly.  We got up and he raced down the stairs and to
the kitchen.  When I got there he was sitting in a stool next to the
kitchen's island, his legs much too short to touch the ground so he crossed
them tightly and swayed back and forth happily.

"What do you feel like?" I asked him as I began looking through the
cupboards and fridge.

"I usually have toast" He replied in a disappointed way.

"I'm sure we can do better than that." I flash my hollow smile and he
smiles back at me.  It was uncanny how much his smile resembled
Mikaihail's, though certainly the same emotions were not behind it.

As I looked through their supplies I tried to keep Duncan interested "So
what did you get for your birthday?"

Duncan rapidly retorted a list I was sure wasn't going to end. He sounded
even more excited by each successive item that came to his mind.

I was only vaguely listening when I realised with a devious smile what we
could have for breakfast.  "How about pancakes?"  The situation brought me
back to Mikaihail and our island and how perfect and amazing it all was.
Although it also made me realise I should learn some more recipes.  Perhaps
cooking proficiency is a more important skill than I originally thought.

"YES!!!!" he cheered with even more excitement.

"So what else did you get?" I brought him back to occupy him as I scavenged
for everything we would need.  He kept on as I heated the pan and the mixed
the batter.

He finished his list, pondering for a moment to make sure he hadn't
forgotten anything.  Then he asked "Which one did you get me?" The question
caught me off guard, I knew Alice had brought a present but I never asked
what it was.

"Umm I'm not sure what my mother bought for you?" I admitted uncertainly.

He looked down with this statement.

"What's wrong?"  I asked as the first two pancakes sizzle with their
contact of the burning surface.

"I would have liked a present form you."

I thought about this for a moment.  "How about an 'I owe you' then?"

"What's that?" He asked uncertain.  Though maybe he thought of it as a faux
present.

"It means I owe you one."

"One what?"

"One anything.  A favour. It could be something of mine you want one da, I
could take you somewhere you want to go..." I put on an obviously light
serious tone "...kill somebody you don't like."

He giggled at my joke.  "Okay. You owe me." He blazed a brilliant smile.  I
was just happy he didn't think it was a dud gift.  Though indeed it was, he
would forget about it by tomorrow.

I lifted the pancakes from the pan and placed them on our plates.  He
quickly heaped maple syrup and ice cream on his and ate like it was going
to disappear in a matter of seconds.  I put on two more while we ate the
first pair.  After he had almost finished the first one and I placed
another two on his plate, he became quiet and stopped eating.

He looked up at me with a lost expression. "Mum and Dad were fighting last
night."

I tried to sound surprised and yet caring "About what?"

"Don't know... just yelling."

"How do you feel about it?"

Duncan looked lost and just meekly shrugged his shoulders.

"Duncan, no matter what happens it's in no way your fault.  Your parents
will always love you and they'll always be there if you need them."

Duncan remained silent for a moment.  "...He's not coming back is he."

Clearly he had heard more then he let on. "I don't know Duncan.  But even
if he doesn't it just means that being together wasn't right for your
parents..." yeah bullshit Caleb, I thought to myself.  "He still loves you
and you'll still see him all the time..." I took a moment before continuing
"It just means that he will be happier apart from your mother.  And it'll
work better for him this way.  It'll work better for you too..." he looked
up at me not understanding. "He'll spoil you when he does see you cause
he'll miss you."

Duncan gave a unexpectedly strong smile.  He looked more animate, just
airing it out seemed to help him. He unexpectedly put down his utensils and
hugged me from his chair.  "And you owe me so I have you too Caleb."

The physical contact made me uneasy.  I was the reason for his anguish and
yet, given the same choice, I would choose to hurt him again.  It pained
me, Duncan was a part of Mikaihail and, in a diluted way it work the same,
it made his anguish affect me as if it was Mikaihail himself who was
hurting.

I thought the best thing to do was to reassure him.  "Sure Duncan, I'll be
around if you ever need me."

As I looked up from him I saw Eleanor in the entrance.  She didn't look
happy and I could only guess how much she had heard before she intruded.
She could be angry with me if she wanted: I had stolen her husband, though
she was probably only thinking of the means she had lost.

She spoke to me coldly. "Thankyou for looking after Duncan. You can leave
Caleb."

I smiled at her as fakely as I could.  "You're welcome, I'm happy to look
after Duncan when there's no one here who can." I hope she interpreted it
the way I intended.

I left my half eaten pancake and left the house. It was only a short walk
home and but the time I got there I realised I had 11 hours till I would be
able to leave.  I sat around for about 20 minutes before I realised I
wouldn't make it through the day.  Feeling alone and the constant yearning
for Mikaihail would kill me before time was up.

I went to the kitchen and rummaged through the medicine cabinet and found
some barbiturates.  I took a triple dosage and within minutes I was passed
out on my bed.

***

I was awoken by Alice, calling me for dinner.  I looked at the clock and it
was already 7pm.  Perhaps I had overdone it with the drugs.  I got up
groggily, the after effects taking their toll.  I couldn't go out half
asleep, so I tried forced my brain to start working properly.

I took my place at the table, my parents already having made a start on
their meals.  I couldn't eat the food, my stomach was threatening with
convulsions just looking at it.  I remained silent for a moment while I
sorted through what I wanted to say.

"So mother..." I took a second to make sure no one was going to burst
through the door and interrupt me.  She looked up at me, not yet having
started her meal.  "...I was thinking, about this election...  You should
run for mayor."

Both Eric and Alice coughed in surprise of my statement.  "I don't think
that's such a good idea Caleb."  Mother takes the initiative to reply
before Eric, though he was the real target of my statement.

"Why not?" I speak evenly and positively, like I couldn't believe she
thought it wouldn't be a good idea.

For the first time in my life I'm happy that Eric speaks. "Because she has
enough on her plate, being a council member and having to look after you."

Really he was making it easy for me. "Well that's part of my point.  I'll
only be here for two more years then I'm off to university.  I don't want
you to get Empty Nest Syndrome once I'm gone.  It would be best to keep
yourself busy."  I let it sink in but continue before they can
reply. "Besides, your approval ratings are far higher than any of the other
councillors, and with Mayor Asplin stepping down you almost have a civic
responsibility to take the position."

Eric was getting even more agitated by the idea than I expected him
to. "It's too late to do it now anyway.  It would be stupid to do it this
late."

"Actually it's well within the expected time frame based on previous
elections. I wouldn't be surprised if there are other runners still to
announce their candidacy."

He was getting angrier with everything I said, it wouldn't take long before
the real reason would boil to the surface.

"No!" he yelled. "It's a stupid idea and she's not doing it."

"And why not?" I spoke condescendingly.  He didn't answer, just glared at
me. "Because it would make you look even more pathetic?"

"Caleb!" Alice tried to stop me, signalising I had gone too far by her
measure.  She was also surprised, I never speak my mind in front of them
like this.  She was far more use to the Caleb who would make it a point not
to talk, especially to Eric.

"No." I shot back. "I'm not going to censor myself so he can live in his
delusion anymore." I turned my attention back to Eric. "You're just worried
that people will look up at her success and down on you. Well guess what:
they... already... do."

He looked ready to attack me. "Get to your room NOW!" He yelled at me.

"You know it's one thing to be worthless but it's quite another to drag
someone else as down with you."

"Caleb, go to your room." Mother spoke with a stern and stony tone.

I looked at her ruefully before storming to my room.  I started packing
stuff, slamming my wardrobe door so they would be able to hear.  I could
hear them in the dining room, Eric was still furious, venting to Alice
about me.  I quickly finished my preparations, I threw the bag over my
shoulder and stormed back through the house towards the door.

"Caleb? What are you doing?" Mother spoke sternly, she was still angry with
me.  Though I guessed some of that anger was put on for Eric.

I didn't answer, I just slammed the door as I left.

***

As I left I lost my composure and steel resolve. I just felt overwhelmed by
the situation. I always fancied myself to have an impervious mind, but the
week had definitely taken its toll on me. Not only the acting normal, but
the knowledge that I had failed Mikaihail twice this week - with my
non-existent plan and this extra day we had to endure.  I felt broken and I
needed my protector.  I thought about where I should wait for Mikaihail and
remembered a vacant piece of land a few blocks away at the border of the
estate, opposite it was forestry, undeveloped land.

There was a light drizzle as I made my way past the houses.  I quickly
found the vacant block and got out Mikaihail's cell phone.  My first
thought was to call him but I couldn't talk to him, I needed him here, to
feel his arms around me, to know everything will be okay.  I instead decide
to send him a message: 'I'm on the corner of Taro and Albatross.'

***

He didn't send back a message.  It crossed my mind that maybe he hadn't
gotten it yet, but I didn't think that had any possibility of being true.
He was waiting for me and now he was coming, there was no doubt in my
mind. I could count on him.

The drizzle continued as I waited.  His car turned the corner far before I
expected it to, I guessed he most not have been very far away.

That theory was quickly disproven as the car hurtled down the street
towards me.  It broke abruptly and without a second passing of the car
siting idle he throws open the door and stalks towards me in a hastened
stride, a serious look on his face.  He throws his arms around me and
constricts me tightly against his enormous hard body, his hands firmly
clasping me.  I wrapped my own around his gigantic frame, trying to wrap
myself around as much of him as I could.

His strong hold reassured me, nothing could hurt me inside his arms.  The
feeling he inspires in me, his feeling, permeated me, forcing out the
feelings of inadequacy and failure.  All I wanted was him, to feel that I
mattered to him.

I let out a staggered exhale, reminiscent of someone who had just been
crying.  "Tighter" I spoke weakly.

He responded, strengthening his vice tight grip.  His frantic embrace could
be mistaken for abandoned regard, but even now he was being careful with
me, knowing how weak I was compared to his bulging physique.

We remained in each other's arms, me breathing weakly, him adjusting his
hands intermittently, trying to get a better grip even though he had me as
securely as he could.  Mikaihail had taken over my entire being and I knew
I meant a great deal to him.  We needed each other in our lives; we craved
one another.  This wasn't about talking, this was about baser instincts
being fulfilled... and they were wordless.

The rain began to pick up, wetting the two of us in the open air.  He began
loosening his grip on me and angling us towards the car.

I gripped onto him tighter. "No."

He stopped and returned the strength of his embrace.  "I'm not going
anywhere my Caleb.  We can stay here as long as you like."

He loomed over me, trying to protect me from as much of the rain as he
could.  He began rubbing me reassuringly, letting me know he was here for
me.

The minutes ticked by and he never grew impatient.  After what must have
been almost half an hour I loosened my grip on him.  He pulled away
slightly to look at me but never broke his encirclement.

"You ready?"  He asked soothingly.

I just nodded at him, not feeling quite ready to talk.

Mikaihail led me to the passenger side door and opened it for me. He never
broke his contact as he helped me in and buckled my seat belt.  He firmly
grasped me knee for a moment before tearing himself away, a strain behind
his eyes.  Securely closing the door with measured strength before powering
to his side, getting in and closing the open door he failed to shut as he
had gotten out.  He quickly revved the car to life and put it into gear
before grabbing hold of my thigh.  I grabbed onto his arm and rested my
head against his bicep.

He took a route that avoided our houses and were quickly onto a main road.
We remained silent, just holding onto each other.  The knowledge that we
were together now really hadn't had a chance to sink in yet.

During the journey Mikaihail had to slow because of a car ahead of us,
forcing him to once again change gears and let go of me.  He grunted
annoyance at the vehicle.

I looked up into his face to make sure he was okay.

Noticing my attention he elaborated.  "My next car is going to be an auto."
Annoyance still present.

I smile at his remark and began running my hands across his vast chest.
After a few repetitions I felt something hard in his pocket.  My interest
got the better of me and I retrieved the object. He murmured almost
guiltily as I examined the bottle.

I quickly realised it was lubricant. "Am I that sure of a thing?"  I tried
to joke, but my heart wasn't in it.  I was still recovering from the past
several days.

He looked at me with an almost sad expression. "You're the most important
thing to me Caleb."  Clearly his demeanour was over my trivialising of
myself.

I replace the bottle and returned my hand to his, snuggling into his
hulking arm.

"So where are we going?"

"It's a surprise" he replied smugly.

I looked up at him unimpressed. I didn't think now was really the time for
surprises. "Is it far?"

He smiled down at me "No." Clearly reading more into my question then I
intended.

He drove us to the city and, using a key card, entered an underground
parking lot of an apartment building I didn't even think had been finished
yet.  He parked in a space marked by a unit number, quickly got out and
hastened to my side, opening my door before I had a chance and retrieving
me. Mikaihail wrapped his arm around me as he led us to an elevator.

He rubbed my arm and smiled as we waited.  It dinged open and we entered,
he blocked my view of the buttons and after pressing one and embraced me
against him - serving the double purpose of physical contact and stopping
me from seeing which floor we were going to.

The door opened and he kept one arm wrapped around me as he led the way
down the hall.  He stopped at a door and used a key to unlock it, got
behind me and put his hand over my face.  I rolled my eyes under his palm.
He held me tightly against him as he led me into the apartment, he only
walked me 9 paces before he stopped, without saying a word he slowly
lowered his hand to my chest.

The first thing I saw was the view, the city lights far below us lit up the
land as they ran straight to the coastline, the sea stretching off into the
horizon.  We must have been over 20 floors up, the gentle breeze blew in
through the open glass sliders of the balcony, complete with a outdoor
setting and a Jacuzzi.  To my right was a lounge room setting, three black
couches around a square table and the biggest flat screen television I had
ever seen in person was mounted on the wall.  To the left, a kitchen was
against the opposite wall to the balcony, a long counter diving it and the
dining setting.  Clearly everything was new in the high ceilinged
apartment, I could tell because there was still some plastic on one of the
couches.  The whole place was the epitome of executive style living.  This
was the second time in a short while I had been taken aback by a living
situation.

"Mikaihail... Is this a penthouse apartment?"

"Of course." He replied in a very cocksure manner. "Would you expect
anything less?"

I tried to look behind us and he angled while still holding me so I could.
There was a staircase where we had come from and an opened door that looked
like a bathroom.  I tried to move back around to the view and he
accommodated my motions.  He hesitantly let go of me as I stepped forward
and did another turn, making sure I hadn't missed anything.

"...This must have been really expensive..."

He smiles and laughs at the familiar reaction "No no Caleb.  You don't get
to complain about this one.  This is *our* place. This is where *we're*
going to live our life together.  There isn't any amount of money that
would be too much."  His gaze becomes more intense.  "I want our life to be
perfect. You deserve it."  He shakes his head, his light demeanour
returning in full.  "Besides what good is working for money if I can't
spend it."

No amount of logic would negate what I felt, but his point hit home that we
really had turned a major corner.  I didn't like him spending money on me
when I was a side activity in his life.  But now this is his life, he
should enjoy his means.

Another thought hit me.  "How did you organise all this in one day?"

"One day?" he asked confused, his smile remaining fixed. "What do you think
I've been doing for the past week. Staring at the clock?" He let out a
single deep chuckle.

I looked at him guiltily, "Well... yeah, kinda."

He laughed again, "...No. I've started our life together, whether you were
there or not." He smirked. "Let me get you up to speed.  This is our TV,
that's our Jacuzzi, there's our balcony, our table, our couches, our
fridge, our cupboard, our tiles," He smiles at me making sure I had gotten
his point, "...and upstairs is our shower." He smirked at the last part;
clearly he had taken my comment on our island seriously.

"And your room comes complete with a new laptop, TV, and surround sound
system."

I didn't like that. "...My room?" I asked feeling a little rejected.

He chuckles at my remark, looking down at me in a protective and possessive
way. "No need to look like that my Caleb, I just wanted to make sure you
had your own space...  Believe me, you'll be spending your nights in my
bed."

I smiled up at him.  We weren't a once a month thing anymore, if I could
help it I wouldn't spend a single night without Mikaihail again.

"Speaking of my bed..." A lascivious expression colours his features.  His
lust for me clear on his face.  Looking up into his eyes I could tell the
week he had given me truly was a trial for him.

"Is it up our stairs?"  I say disheartened.

"I can carry you if you prefer."  He says it as if I was trying to get out
of the impending release of his lust, or simply teasing him.

"Well, this is our floor and that is our bench-top... even this is our
wall."  I smile up at him, turning the tables on his previous perception.

He quickly closes the distance and leans down to give me a deep kiss, his
arms pulling me into him.  With his tongue still deep in my mouth, trying
to suck the very life out of me, he plants a hand on either of my butt
cheeks and very firmly clutches them.  While gripping my ass he lifts me
off my feet till he is angling his head up to mine to keep our lips on each
others'.  I wrap my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, and
return his kiss with equalled passion.

He bounces me as he shifts my weight to only one hand and uses the other to
grasp the back of my head.  He pushes our lips further into one another's,
only allowing himself (and me by extension) only the slightest of breaths
in between the flurry of passionate kisses.  He moves backwards and with a
thud he pins me up against the wall with his chest. With each kiss he moves
further, his chest pinning me harder against the wall, with each breath he
relaxes the pressure slightly only to come back again with as much
strength.

The feeling of his lips and tongue attacking me is so intense, an extremely
sexual feeling usually reserved for when his monstrous manhood forces its
way inside me.  With my legs wrapped around his waist, my cock was pressed
against his chest, and with each force into the wall it squeezed it between
our two body, adding to the immense pleasure he was giving me.

I reached in between us for his shirt and undid the buttons as quickly as
my fingers, shaking with adrenaline, were able.  I could only go so far as
my legs were wrapped around his torso, I pulled at the fabric and
frantically opened it all the way. My hands grasped at his burning flesh,
feeling the thick muscles, his pecs, his sides, his back, wrapping my arms
around his shoulders.

After letting go of the burden of coming up with a plan to save us and then
the burden of having failed Mikaihail, I now realised how much I had missed
him, how much my body craved his affection and physical intimacy.  Not only
did my body need air, food, and water, it needed Mikaihail, and after the
week away at a point when I wanted him the most, I was starved.

He continued to kiss me, pressing me firmer into the wall after each lapse
for air.  I was lost in my feelings for him, but still wanted more, wanted
him to ravish me.  No matter how much I wanted him, I knew his wanting for
me was stronger, the way he held me, kissed me, pinned me, it was obvious,
his physical need was stronger.  Though stronger than anything I had felt,
mine was almost pitiful in comparison.  I wanted him to ravish me, that in
the very least was a certainty.

He moved his arm from around me started unbuckling his belt.  The sound of
the metal clinking at it came undone was like music to my ears - it
signalled what was impending.

He broke his lips away, an inch from mine.  "You have no idea how much I
missed you."  He kissed me again.  "How much I've been wanting you."
Another passion ridden kiss.

The logical side of me knew that Mikaihail would never hurt me, it was the
most aversive thing to him.  But I couldn't help how my baser instincts
reacted to him.  The man was easily three times my size, his muscles and
his movements which displayed in complete obviousness the immense strength
he possessed; strength which could easily kill me.  His hulking arms and
hard body constrained me in a way I knew I couldn't escape.  His every
non-verbal showing his inflamed mental state - all of it directly squarely
at me.  That self-preservation part of me which was always looking for
threat read him as one thing: dangerous.

The fear exhilarated me.  The thrill-seeking part of me (possibly the
psychotically insane part of me) loved the fear, wanted to feel
it... perhaps wanted to exacerbate it.

"You're all talk."

He responded with a growl resonating from deep within him.  He pinned me
hard to the wall and moved his hands to my pants.  He grabbed the waist
band on either side of my back and tore them apart.  As I heard the ripping
sound of my pants and underwear, my fear spiked and for a second I thought
I may have pushed him too far.

He let me drop down his torso before quickly pinning me again.  He pushed
his hips up to meet my exposed ass.  As I felt the bulge in his underwear I
remembered it in perfect detail and all what it contained had done to my
body.  The pleasure, the ecstasy, and even in this state, lost in lust,
that twinge of fear remained.

Even from behind the fabric I could feel its immense size.  I could
remember in perfect clarity all the pain it had caused me, the feeling of
being torn open, forcing its way into somewhere that was too small for it.
And I was its for the taking, the monster growing to full size to take what
it craved, there was no way that it would be denied what it wanted.

I grasped onto Mikaihail tighter, reminding myself that it was him.  I
wanted him and I wanted him to want me.  The fear became second and the
lust took over, I came back to his lips and passionately kissed him,
exacerbating his desire, enticing him further.

He began to dry hump my ass, I could feel his menacing bulge grow as he
thrust it into my cheeks. I tried to focus on him and not the monster
threatening to enter me.  This became increasingly difficult with his hips
meeting my body with immense strength as the soft humping grew, firmer,
with less restraint.

He moved his huge hands up and down my slender frame, feeling my soft skin
against his own weathered adult exterior.  He explored down to my exposed
ass and ran his large hand over my mounds of supple flesh.  A deep groan of
lust sounded from within his chest.  His hand moved with urgency,
dispensing with anything unnecessary to his release, as he found my
entrance.  His middle finger pushed against me and the resistance he felt
caused a reaction in him; his entire body tensed pushing me harder into the
wall as his hand clenched around my cheek with heavy force.

I took a sharp breathe in reaction to the pressure being exerted all over
my body, but particularly my ass.  He found my own mouth with his lips and
filled my mouth with his thick tongue.  His mind was getting more and more
out of control with his animalistic desires overtaking more of him.

His hand left my cheek, the slight relief I felt only lasted a second as I
heard the elastic on his underwear strain and before I knew it his rock
hard heavy slab of manhood was pressing against my entrance.  He moved his
hand to my thigh and gripped my flesh with urgency.  His oversized cockhead
was heavily leaking precum on my ass, he pressed his massive manhood
against my entrance but my hole couldn't easily accommodate something so
humongous.  The pressure built with my apprehension; but his dick, slick
with precum, slipped away from its target.  He moved his hips back,
repositioning the blunt weapon for another assault, and tried again.  Each
time he tried there was simply too much resistance, the constantly shift
from apprehension and relief was taking its toll on my mind.

He didn't seem to want to stop holding me, but with a growl in frustration
he moved his hand to the base of his mighty manhood.  The apprehension
spiked as I knew this would be it.  I remembered what was in his pocket and
frantically searched his coat.  I pulled out the bottle and opened the lid,
trying to pour as much as I could into the same hand I was squeezing with.
He then rammed his dick into me, I dropped the bottle is shock.  He hadn't
yet entered me, still trying to force his enormous tool inside me.  I
frantically reached underneath me, trying to slather his monster before it
forced its way inside me.

I slid my slathered hand over his monster twice before quickly applying
some to my ass.  Just as I was finishing his eyes locked onto mine,
demanding my attention, as he thrusted again with a loud deep moan.  With
heavy pressure his monster steadily entered me with incredible strength.  I
tried to sharply inhale in reaction to the pain, but my throat was tightly
closed.  His eyes stared at mine intensely as his enormous manhood forced
its entry.  I could feel as every inch entered me, forcing my small hole to
open far beyond its designed limits.  His body had me pinned, only small
movements I could make in reaction to his infiltration.  I grabbed onto him
tighter, trying to endure what it meant to be Mikaihail's.

He stopped his advance only a few inches past the head.

As he looked at me, his expression lightened slightly "All talk?" He spoke
teasingly.

I smirked, annoyed that I had been taken in by his front, he had waited for
the lube.  Though, judging by the lust and urgency so obvious in his voice
and face, I wondered how in control he really was.

He began fucking me, taking only a short time to build up speed.  I was
lost in the intensity, the pain still fresh, the pleasure of knowing that I
being taken as an object of his desire.  I held on as tightly as I could as
I threw my head back with the ravenous drilling.

He dove into my neck, lightly biting my supple skin.  I knew I wouldn't
last long, it was all too much for me and my inexperience.

He picked up even more speed, deep loud roaring moans of pleasure rumbling
out of this gigantic bull of a man, reverberating through the entire
apartment.  He didn't even care to get his entire monster cock inside me,
instead simply fucking me for all I was worth.  I felt like I wouldn't be
able to hold on, not at his pace.  His pistoning became even faster as he
shortened his strokes, just as I felt I was about to cum his mouth found
mine as he thrusted up with his hips and pulled me down onto him, spitting
me further than before.  The new breach had my mouth wide in surprise and
intensity, a roaring moan shattering the place, as he exploded inside me
and I came between us.

His body forced mine even harder into the wall has he filled me with his
semen, the very essence of Mikaihail.  Every muscle in his body
intermittently tensing against mine as he shot more and more of himself
into me.  His barrage slowly subsiding as we breathed heavily, our faces
not even an inch from each other's. As he finished and I regained a small
amount of my mind I decided I had to get him back.

"Well that the quickest you've ever been."  I speak breathlessly, both of
us sweating profusely.

His voice was even deeper than usual as he replied. "You made me wait for
this... " He squeezed my ass firmly "...for a week.  I ain't done with you
yet Caleb."

To make his point he sturdied his grip and forced me down the rest of his
generously thick dick.  I took a sharp breath in reaction, his eyes still
trained on mine.  He began kissing me slowly, then in the middle of a kiss
he steadily pull out to his head.  The unexpected movement stopped me
mid-kiss, his mouth found mine and brought me back to him.  He began slowly
humping me with long strokes of his engorged man meat.  I would
involuntarily break away from his kisses with every thrust of his manhood,
but each time he would keep the stream of kisses flowing.

I could feel his impressive cock slowly snake its way into me with such
grandiose motions that I swear I would be able draw a perfect picture of
his cock, just by the feeling of it entering me.  Mikaihail continued
without a lull, slowly humping me with incredible measured strength for
what felt like hours, though probably not even one.  Long, slow,
comfortable, humping me, our lips locked.  I felt like I could almost
completely appreciate what was going on, instead of feeling beyond
overwhelmed like I did when he went all out.

He made love to me, pressed against the wall for ages; I never wanted it to
end.  After coming three times my nerves felt like they were becoming
frayed and I knew I wanted to feel him fill me again.  He never lost the
immense enjoyment he felt whenever he paralysed me each time he moved
himself inside me, but I could tell he had holding off for awhile, edging
upon the precipice of no return.

I whispered in-between our kisses, "Fuck me."  Knowing those words would be
all it would take to push him over the edge.

He kissed me hard, passionately, as he started fucking me harder, really
driving his enormous manhood into me, my body ricocheting with his
incredible power.  After only a few hard thrusts he pulled my ass firmly
against his balls-deep cock and exploded another torrent of cum inside me.
After he had filled me with another load of his essence he let up on his
pressure and loving hugged me against the wall, rubbing my back tenderly.

After a few perfect minutes he spoke, "It's late.  I should really get you
to bed."

I smiled at the reminder of our now interwoven lives before a thought hit
me.  "Wait." I spoke breathlessly.  I reached for his arm, my own shaking
with weakness.  I brought his hand to my face to read his watch.  I tried
to work out what would be an expected time lapse.  "You'll need to do one
last thing."

He looked at me confused. "What?"

***

After coaching him about the main points to hit he reluctantly picked up
the phone.  He sounded a deep groan as he punched in the number.  We sat
together on the stools next to the bench, his hand holding mine.

"Hi Alice..." I could hear her voice coming through the receiver but
couldn't make out what she was saying "...I got a late night visitor this
evening..." Her pace quickens and Mikaihail's face drops in exasperation
"...no, no it's fine really. I have a lot of space here, he'll be no
trouble..." she speaks again and he smiles at me "...it's an investment
property, I told him about when he was at my work..." I smile back at him,
my preparations had been helpful "...yeah look, I think he might take off
if we tried something like that and I'd rather we knew where he was..." I
have a quiet laugh at his convincing performance, like what he said was
just naturally rolling off his tongue and hadn't been discussed five
minutes prior "... really Alice I'm happy to do it..." she spoke again,
probably praising him, if only she knew what Mikaihail was really doing to
her son... had done only a few minutes ago.  I gripped his hand firmer in
reassurance. "...yeah sure let's talk about it later.  Go get some
sleep..." he looked at me seriously as he spoke "...he'll be fine with me."
He said goodbye and put the phone down, got up and took me into a hug.

We remained silent for a moment before I spoke "I'm sorry."

He looked at me parentally "For what?"

"For separating us this week. For failing to come up with any kind of plan.
And more generally, just for being stupid."

"Well I hope you've learnt to do what I say without question." He jokes
lightly while rubbing me reassuringly.  "You didn't fail Caleb.  You've
given us a cover that's working.  I didn't even think that was possible."

I failed to protect him though... "Let's see if it works for more than one
day." I say sceptically.  "They only believe it because it fits in with
their idea of our relationship - That I look up to you as a kind of
secondary parent.  It would be much less convincing to someone from the
outside."

He gives me a squeeze.  "You should give yourself more credit." He stays
silent for a moment.  "Don't worry Caleb, no matter what happens I'll never
let go of you."

I pull back from him to look into his eyes. "Even if I want you to."

"Even if you want me to." He speaks in his deep soothing voice, very sure
of himself.

I snuggle back into him. "Good."

We remained silent for another moment.  I rubbed my hand up and down his
arm that was grasping my hip.  I intertwined our finger and brought the
back of his hand to my cheek.  As I brought his hand away I noticed he was
still wearing his wedding band.  My first reaction was just to pretend I
didn't notice but quickly another feeling came across me.  I didn't like
any symbol that Mikaihail belonged to someone else, I felt almost ill with
it being there. I tentatively pressed the ring in between my fingertips and
with a little resistance at the knuckle I pulled it off and unsurely put it
on the counter, not certain whether my action were alright by Mikaihail.  I
avoided his gaze and hugged back into him.

Mikaihail kept one arm around me as he reached for the knife block on the
counter.  He firmly grasped the butcher's knife and removed it with a small
jerk.  He raised the knife and with incredible force he brought it down and
bashed the ring with the metal butt of the knife.  I shut my eyes in
reaction to the deafening boom, clutching Mikaihail tighter.

As I slowly opened my lids I saw the ring in pieces on the countertop.  I
cautiously looked up to Mikaihail.  He was looking back down at me with a
solemn and protective look on his face.

I had hurt Mikaihail and now a scare was carved into me, deep and ever
present.  I would never be okay with myself again.  But standing here,
looking into his eyes, my path couldn't have been clearer. I would be to
Mikaihail what he needed me to be, his perfect partner, perfect in every
way.  I would spend my life fighting for an atonement that would never be
mine.  I would spend my life trying to reach a pinnacle I never could:
trying to be worthy to stand beside him.

I meekly nestled into Mikaihail, letting his effect absolve me... I knew
holding onto him like this, from now on, would be the only time I would
ever feel whole.

*********

Author's Note: Thank you for reading the story.  I put a lot of time and
effort into these so it's always nice to hear what people think of my
writing.  I know how much some of you like this story so I will try
extremely hard to complete it not matter how long it takes me.  I find e-
mails really motivating, so if you could take a little time I'd really
appreciate you sending a message along to calebnathanial@hotmail.com