Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:51:31 +0200
From: A.K. <andrej@andrejkoymasky.com>
Subject: "The Choice" 10/15 (Adult Youth)

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THE CHOICE
by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2006
written on November 12th 1996
translated by the author
English text kindly revised
by Khasidi

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USUAL DISCLAIMER

"THE CHOICE" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic
scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family,
opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to
read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or
because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed
guest.

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CHAPTER 10 - THE CARDINAL

"Why?" Adriano asked later in a whisper, as he lay in Gustavo's arms.

He leaned more of his weight against his friend and, resting his face on
the man's arm, inhaled his aroma, the basic smell was just Gustavo but
there were also traces of after-shave, his seed, his sweat and a hint of
deodorant -- though happily this last didn't overpower the sweet, virile
mixture of scents. He loved this smell, the aroma of his man. He loved
it so much. It aroused him. He wanted Gustavo on top of him, kissing him
again; but he didn't dare to ask yet. Though he wanted to start to make
love again, he needed to hear the answer to his question. He felt that
it was very important, so he waited.

As he waited, his dark eyes explored the empty expanse of the ceiling.

"What?" Gustavo asked. The boy's question had suddenly interrupted the
slow meditation to which he had abandoned himself as he lay wrapped in a
bubble of happiness which he had not even suspected the existence of
until that moment.

"Why did you became a priest?" Adriano asked, clarifying the meaning of
his question.

"Because I thought I was doing what Our Lord was asking of me." The
young parson compressed his lips and passed a fingertip sensually along
the full length of his eyebrow. He trembled as he sank into a state of
deep reflection. But, after a quick, honest analysis which only took a
second or two, he answered, carefully choosing words that would best
clarify the matter. "But now, because I know that according to our
Church my two choices are inconsistent, I'm asking myself whether I
shouldn't reconsider everything. The truth is that I thought ordination
would give me strength that I knew I didn't have." Gustavo added,
turning rest his glance tenderly on Adriano's beautiful face. "I had to
believe that before I would go through with the ordination," he
whispered and, trembling, he shifted his eyes away for a moment, then he
looked back again at his boy.

The handsome man caught a look of real amazement in the face of the
trusting youth who lay at his side. "Come here... nearer..." he
commanded tenderly, turning his body towards Adriano and bending to kiss
him. But the joyful light that had shone a moment earlier in the eyes of
the handsome parson dissipated, dimming them with sadness. "My dear boy,
you cannot begin to guess how much I love you. How much I need you to
show me that I am important to you," he said gently. "But remember, I am
only a man. I can't be anything else. From this point on, we have
nothing but the sincerity of what we feel for each other; and that bond
will, I hope, be strong enough to keep us united. So I have to be
sincere, be honest with myself and with you. If I hadn't met you, I'm
pretty sure that I would never have looked for anyone else... not as a
man, and even less as a priest. For ten years I have remained faithful
to my choice. But that was because I didn't know you or, to say it
better, I didn't know the beauty of your love. I'm not saying that I am
going against my vows because of you, or that it is your fault! Only I
am responsible for what I have done, believe me." he said with a sincere
expression.

"You see," he continued after a short sigh, "It is like being married. A
married man is not supposed to ever look, to ever desire another woman.
Marriage ought to help him to be faithful. Well, it is more than the
marriage ceremony in itself, more than the rite: it is the sacrament and
the love he should feel towards his spouse. And I have betrayed this
spouse of mine, I am like an adulterer now. And then, I ask myself this
question: if I have cheated on her, is it because I don't love her? Did
I marry her just out of an abstract conviction, and not for a transport
of my soul?" The man asked his question almost with anguish. Then he
held his breath as if he were waiting for an answer.

"But of course," he eventually went on, "It is not exactly the same
situation. I betrayed a purely spiritual and abstract love: because it
is towards humanity as a whole, not towards only one concrete person. It
wasn't a complete love, like the one you are offering me. So, the
problem is different. My love is not in doubt. I don't have to choose
between my love for God and my love for you. I am choosing between the
Church's law and you... Though it is true, many would see this problem
in a different way," the young priest admitted in a low, heated voice.

Gustavo suddenly covered his eyes with his big hands and continued,
almost with a sob, "If it were just sexual impulse... at least up until
now... one could try to control it, and possibly even succeed. But love!
How can one resist love? And what is happening between you and me is so
beautiful, sublime, holy, complete, unique, wonderful, perfect, total,
good, right, that..." for a moment the man was silent, as if he needed
to gather his breath and his thoughts after the list that had gushed out
of him instinctively, impetuously, "...so how can it be wrong?" he went
on at last, "No, I don't believe it. I can't believe it even though they
taught me that I have to. Love -- and ours is love -- cannot be wrong.
But... A priest has to renounce to the physical expression of love...
therefore..." his voice trailed off in a disheartened way.

"I am going to need some time, my sweet boy. Sometimes, like right now,
I'd like to stand up and go knock on the Cardinal's door and tell him,
'Let me go! I was completely wrong!' Then I'd come back to you, take
your hand and we'd go away... But then I tell myself that, in spite of
what the Church may teach, my vocation as a priest is not in opposition
with my vocation for love, for loving you." He paused, "You are my first
love, do you know that?" he added caressing his boy's face tenderly .

"I'm the first person you have made love to? You too?" Adriano asked,
pushing his groin against his man's.

"No. You are not the first. " Gustavo answered earnestly, "Not the first
with whom I have made love. I did it ten years ago with another boy.
But" he added with the same sincerity, "You are the first person I have
ever loved with all of myself, body and soul."

"You see," he said encircling his boy's sweet body with his arm and
caressing his beautiful wavy hair, "There was a boy, but only one. His
name was Daniele. We were both feeling lonely and we both needed... can
you understand? It happened a few times -- in the seminary. But I felt
it was wrong, because it was only a physical thing. I understood that I
had to stop and I told him so. After that I kept myself chaste as I was
supposed to. He... he couldn't do that. Maybe he was more... well...
hotter than me. Maybe he had less self-control. I don't know. Anyway, he
tried with another friend at the seminary. But this fellow, after he had
sex with my friend, told our superior about it -- and not in confession,
where it would have had to remain a secret, no. So, Daniele was expelled
from the seminary. For a while I felt guilty. But I saw him again, about
three years ago. He seemed happy, he had a good job, and also a good
lover he told me... Who knows?" he sighed lightly.

Adriano pushed again against him, "Gustavo... may I ask you something?"

"Of course, anything you want, love."

"You won't...be mad at me?"

"No, of course not."

"Well... It's just that... how was it with him?"

Before answering, Gustavo kissed Adriano on his mouth. Then he smiled
and said, "I'm afraid I have to go back on what I just said. Sorry. But
I don't feel like talking about it." Then he added gently, "There is
nothing wrong with your question, but... you can ask me anything and
everything you want about my life, you have the right to do so. It's
just that... you see, after what I feel with you... now that short
period of my life, of a few secret encounters, seems kind of dismal;
even though at that time it seemed good to me. Or perhaps I am ashamed
now because at that time I didn't decide to abandon the seminary. But I
don't know; after all, it is only thanks to my decision to continue that
I had the incredible luck to meet you. And at times I ask myself if all
this was not already in the mind, in the will of the Good Lord, just so
that we could meet one day."

Adriano looked at him in amazement, his eyes widened slightly,, "Do you
think that... do you really believe that maybe God won't be angry with
us?"

"You know, it seems impossible to me to believe that He could be,"
Gustavo said seriously. "Even though that's what they tell us, those are
just the words of men. How authoritative could they be? They are only
men. It is not the word of God."

"But, what about the Bible..." the boy protested shyly.

"Would you like to teach it to me?" the priest said. But then he added
more seriously, "The Bible has to be interpreted. Recent, studies, deep
studies, both on the protestant and the catholic sides, raise very
serious doubts about the passages people often quote in the argument
against homosexuality. It seems clear that the original meaning of these
passages was profoundly different. Besides that, Jesus Christ never said
a word about sex. -- well, just once, about adultery -- but nothing more
than that. Anyway, if there is a problem, it is with the kind of
sexuality that is lived selfishly not a condemnation of any particular
kind of sexuality. The problem is with sexuality lived without love. No,
I have no doubts at all on this point. This morning, I offered the mass
to God to thank Him for our love..."

"Really?" Adriano asked, his eyes completely wide and his mouth agape in
astonishment..

"Absolutely." the priest answered quietly, "Because our love is holy."

Adriano kissed him happily. Then, a new thought rose in his mind, "But
you... you still feel called to be a priest, don't you? Your vocation...
it's still there, right?"

"Yes, I think so. But I have to conciliate that with the laws of the
Church and, as I told you, I still need a little time to reflect on
that."

As far as I'm concerned... if you want to continue... we can meet in
secret. I'll understand..." Adriano said hesitantly, thinking that he
could willingly accept this sacrifice for love of his man. Of course, he
didn't like the idea, but... he was ready.

"Thank you, love, but... I would rather live my life with sincerity and
not in subterfuge. It is true, I feel happy in my ministry -- in spite
of all the pains and difficulties, in spite of all the doubts and
failures -- but I feel happy. Honestly, vocation to the priesthood is
sincere and, until now anyway, it has helped me very much to have a good
life. But, actually, my decision is already taken. I just have to figure
out the best way to make the change, the right moment. Because I want...
one day, I hope not to far away, I want to live with you, for you... and
then, I have to completely reprogram my life, to be able to make sure
you don't miss out on anything, to make sure you have a good life. You
come before anything else, before everything," he said looking straight
into Adriano's eyes, "Believe me."

"But life isn't simple," sadness dimmed Gustavo's eyes for a moment and
he added, "It's not easy, especially in situations like ours. And it's
not just because I am a priest -- even though that sure doesn't make
things any easier. Just the opposite! Before yesterday evening... how
many times I felt the need to sit near somebody who understood, who
really understood, and open him my heart, express my doubts, my desires,
the little or big crises of my life! How many times! A friend, a
confident, somebody... But who could I go to? I felt as lonely as if I
were in a desert. And then I had to hear confessions and to give
advice... I didn't want to do it the way some of my confessors that I
had. Can you understand what I am saying? My confessors resolved
everything by saying, 'God helps those who love him' or 'We are all
sinners'. These were not the kind of answers I felt were needed. Rightly
or wrongly, I never gave answers like that. 'Ama et fac quod vis,' Saint
Augustine said, 'love and do what you want.' That's it. But how many
know it? The secret is all there: to love, but, to really love, to love
deeply. All our effort has to be devoted to this -- if we really love,
if WE love each other sincerely, in truth, we can do anything we want,
because then we can't want anything bad, wrong... even if people will
beat up on us... and, be sure, they will."

Adriano interrupted him, "Gustavo, I'm not afraid of that. I'm not
asking to anybody to fill my pockets for me, you understand? I am not
expecting to become rich, or respected, or admired, or... I don't even
expect people to accept me, as long as I have you. If we have to fight
-- as long as we are together -- I'm ready... As long as I have you.
Because I believe... no, I know I love you. Really! Even though all this
has happened so suddenly. But you know... I was thinking... in reality I
have loved you from the very first day I met you, it's just that nobody
helped me to understand, but it was only yesterday, at last, that I
became fully aware. It is not our love that bloomed suddenly, it was
just our consciousness of it that flowered. I was so full of love for
you, even though it was hidden deep inside my heart, so full that
yesterday it burst out and I finally became aware of it, I recognized
it. It is not a fantasy, no! I am only nineteen but I know it! And I
also know that it is exactly the same for you. That's why I feel so
strong! We will fight together," the boy said, fervent and resolute.

"Yes, that's right, together..." Gustavo echoed him, nodding, "Only,
let's take it a little time, not too fast, agreed?"

"Agreed... but hurry up, please." Adriano murmured kissing his man
again.

Gustavo felt the excitement awaken in himself again. His strong,
beautiful member was becoming hard again. He held the boy against
himself, becoming pleasurably aware of his lover's renewed craving. With
a happy sigh he brushed his body against Adriano's, feeling him also
fill again with sweet, hot desire.

* * * * *

It was late, when Don Gustavo was finally admitted to the Cardinal's
study. He bowed and greeted the middle-aged man deferentially.

"Well then, don Gustavo, what is it that is so urgent?" the Cardinal
asked with a kindly but surprised smile as he motioned the priest to a
seat on the opposite side of his wide desk.

"Forgive me, Your Eminence, but it is a serious matter..."

"So I guessed, that's why I received you at such a late hour."

"I am sorry to disturb you, but..."

"No, no. You are one of my best and most dedicated priests. If you
insisted, I am sure it is a really important matter. So?"

Gustavo, took a deep breath entirely abandoning the speech he had
carefully crafted during his drive over as well as the time he had spent
awaiting admittance. Going right to the core of the matter he said all
in one breath, "Your Eminence, I beg you to reduce me to the lay state
as soon as you can."

The middle-aged man barely raised his eyebrows. In a low voice he said,
"I would guess that you had thought about that thoroughly before you
reached such a serious decision."

"Yes of course, Your Eminence. I have no other course open to me, even
though I regret the necessity for this decision deeply."

"And... may I know the reason for your request?" the Cardinal asked
kindly.

"Yes... I can no longer remain faithful to my vows."

"Do you have... a sexual problem?"

"Yes, but it is not just that. The problem is... I am in love, Your
Eminence. I did not just break my vow of chastity, you see, but I am
also in love."

"Ah, I see. And... since when?"

"Since... two days, or six years ago, it is difficult to say. Six years
is probably the more honest answer, even if it has been just two days
since we declared our love to each other."

"I see. And do you intend to marry her?"

"I cannot..."

"Is she already married, by chance?" the Cardinal asked with low,
worried voice.

Gustavo smiled crookedly, took another breath and, looking the man
straight in the eye, said, "He is a man, Your Eminence. I am a
homosexual. For ten years, after an accidental encounter in the
seminary, I managed not to yield to my instinct; but the day before
yesterday..." the young priest said. He was somewhat astounded by the
imperturbability of his bishop, an imperturbability that he could feel
didn't come from cold heartedness.

The Cardinal nodded, then said, "To the Church, being homosexual is not
a problem. You know that. It is only the sexual act in itself that is a
sin -- a serious sin, a serious disorder..."

Don Gustavo smiled sadly, "Forgive me, Your Eminence, but... This recent
position of the Church -- of His Holiness -- seems to me...
hypocritical." he immediately regretted having used what was possibly
too hard a word. "Or at least absurd," he hastily corrected himself. "In
my opinion! The previous position was logically more correct even though
it was based on error. How can one say on one hand that it is not wrong
to be homosexual but on the other that it is wrong to act on this kind
of sexuality? If one is forbidden to express his "not-wrong" nature,
under penalty of sin, is it not right that that teaching is, in itself,
something...against nature? And, please, don't tell me that it is only
the act in itself that is against nature. Even though I am younger than
you, Your Eminence, I have studied these matters at least as much as you
have. We know perfectly well that in nature the closer we come to the
primates, the more this kind of sexuality manifests itself. How can
nature be against nature? Even if theologians have been clutching at
straws for two thousand years to try and defend this untenable opinion.
And the studies of the Holy Scriptures, not only by the Protestants, but
also by quite a few catholic biblical scholars, studies concerning this
presumed condemnation of homosexuality, cast serious doubts on whether
the message might not have been quite different. Doubt.. which is not to
say that we can be sure of what was originally intended. Also, there are
the studies by Boswell about the same sex unions that were blessed in
the first few centuries by our very same Church... Even though today the
official Church refuses to admit any of this..."

Don Gustavo took a breath, then continued, "I believe, Your Eminence. I
am a believer. I believe all that the Credo asks us to believe, but in
it there is nothing about this point. Yes, it is the teaching of our
Holy Church... But our beloved Church seems to have a short memory --
didn't she teach, with the same absolute certainty, the holiness of the
Inquisition with all its bloodshed, of the Crusades with their
slaughter, of the excommunications against our separated brothers, of
the condemnation of Galileo Galilei? If we were living in those times,
Your Eminence, we also might have sworn to the righteousness of these
things... but not today. Therefore, some of the human laws of the
Church, some purely human certainties do change, even though they are
proclaimed in the name of God. Didn't our church accept, in practice if
not in theory, practices like slavery or the gelding of innocent boys so
that they would have nice singing voices right there in Rome, in the
Vatican? Not to mention the marriage of priests or the ordination of
women... No, at times -- even though I see with pleasure the way things
are ripening -- at times I ask myself how our Church can be so
shortsighted. Why is she walking so slowly, often with such extreme
caution. And yet... and yet I do love her, even though perhaps it is in
my own way. At times I think -- like the way the Fathers in the
Ecumenical Council sometimes vote -- 'Placet, juxta modum' -- I approve,
but with some reservations; I like it, but not completely. It has to be
changed to obtain my approbation... Anyway, Your Eminence, if the
problem were only to keep faith with the vow I made... a vow I have been
able to be faithful to for ten years... and I believe I would still
succeed in keeping... But the problem is not one of simple celibacy. I
love him, and he loves me, and I cannot express all my love to him
without all my body, Your Eminence; therefore, I cannot maintain my vow
of chastity: and so I can no longer perform the ministry that was
entrusted to me."

The Cardinal had listened to the long, fervent outpouring without
interruption, nor had he tried to contradict the young priest. He was
aware that he could have given, at least in part, the same long defense
himself. Therefore, when the young priest fell silent, he only said,
"This problem... it is not only you who have it. Some of your brothers
in the ministry have it also, whether it be with a woman or a man. But
our Church can be magnanimous, all she asks is repentance and she will
bestow her forgiveness, then you could be again in the Grace of God.
Even if one is in the wrong, even though it happens seventy times seven,
as the Gospel teaches us..."

"Yes, I know, Your Eminence. But this is exactly what I lack --
repentance. I cannot repent for something I feel to be beautiful and
believe to be right and... allow me to say this, Your Eminence... also
holy. I can guess your objections, Your Eminence, believe me. I made
them all to myself. But the fact remains that I am in love with him and
that I don't intend to renounce to him. And that if I should renounce
him, I would be injuring him. I don't want to and cannot do it. It
really would be a sin, a mortal sin. And I would also be doing evil to
myself. And this is why I cannot carry out my ministry, even though I
deeply regret it, Your Eminence, believe me. Notwithstanding all this, I
am sure that my vocation to priesthood was genuine, it is genuine... as
much as the love that now pushes me to take this difficult step is
genuine. Both are vocations... don't be surprised that I call the love I
am feeling and sharing a vocation! But according to our Church these two
are absolutely inconsistent; therefore..." the young priest concluded
with a serene sadness.

"I guess it is useless to try to persuade you to think about your
decision some more..." The warm and understanding smile on the lips of
the Bishop didn't change at all, and this felt truly good to don
Gustavo's heart.

"Useless, Your Eminence."

"I am sorry. I regret losing such a valuable priest as you are. I really
regret it, believe me. You have been a true, good, fine, and precious
priest. I will miss you, this diocese will miss you, very much. I... you
see... I think you may be wrong... but, as I say, it is only my
thought... I am not wholly certain. It is a mystery, not only and not so
much human sexuality, but more than that... love. You are not the only
one amongst my priests to experience this kind of problem, this kind of
drama at times, so I am not oblivious to these matters. Yes, and they
are often really dramatic situations. Less, in cases where it happens
with a woman, but for honest people it is always a drama. Even those who
get married with the blessing of the Church feel they have had to
renounce an important part of their lives, and this often remains a
burden throughout their lives. A drama, yes. What can I tell you, my
dear son? I hope that our Lord, whom I am sure you love in all honesty,
can light your way and that you will not have to suffer too much for
this choice, and that other people will not suffer for it either. I will
pray to the Lord to give you serenity, and strength... Have you told
anybody yet about your decision?"

"No, Your Eminence... not even him."

"Do you think you could take care of the parish, at least until next
Sunday?"

"I think so, Your Eminence."

"It will not be easy to replace you..."

"I am sorry..."

"But, tell me, don Gustavo... what do you plan to do, in your life?"

"I still don't know... maybe I'll try to do a temporary teaching job...
philosophy, perhaps... teaching, anyway."

"I can find you a teaching position for Religion classes..." the
Cardinal suggested.

"No, Your Eminence, thank you. How can I teach ideas that I cannot
believe or share? And those ideas would certainly come out. You,
certainly, know how much sexuality interests boys in their growing-up
years. No, I'd really rather not..."

"Do you have any personal savings?"

"No, Your Eminence. The only thing I own is the small apartment that my
sister left me."

"And how do you plan to survive, my son, at least for the first months?"

"I still don't know, Your Eminence. But I am not afraid..."

"If you need a little help... You served the Church faithfully for six
years, not counting the ten in the seminary... Don't hesitate to ask
me."

"Thank you, Your Eminence. You are good..."

"Only one is Good..." the Cardinal reminded him with a gentle smile,
pointing at the Crucifix on his desk. Then he added, nodding at some
secret thought he had, "If by chance one day... if you thought it right
to come back... come and see me and we will see..."

With a smile, don Gustavo answered, "If I repent..."

The man nodded in response to the smile. "Tomorrow morning I will ask my
secretary to start your paperwork. If somehow, before signing the papers
you change your mind..."

"Yes, thank you, Your Eminence. Please forgive me, I know I am giving
you sorrow and that I'm creating a problem for you."

"Well, I can't deny that, but... but I understand your decision, don
Gustavo, you can be sure of that. And I appreciate your honesty and
rectitude. In the next few days I will also think whether there isn't
some way I can help you in your future life. Well, if you have nothing
more to tell me..." the Cardinal dismissed him.

"No, Your Eminence. Thank you again."

"I'll see you soon, my dear don Gustavo." the Cardinal said making on
the young priest a sign of blessing.

Gustavo went out onto the street, feeling light and happy. The step he
had taken was right. The bishop understood that and hadn't raised any
obstacle. He was now free to dedicate himself completely to his new life
with Adriano...

He drove towards his house, filled with serenity, mentally counting how
many hours still separated him from his Adriano. As soon as he saw him
he would tell him that he had made his choice. He could imagine the
happiness of his boy...

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CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 11

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In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to
read them, the URL is
http://andrejkoymasky.com
If you want to send me feed-back, or desire to help revising my English
translations, so that I can put on-line more of my  stories in English
please e-mail at
andrej@andrejkoymasky.com

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