Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2006 08:20:16 +0200 From: A.K. Subject: "The Choice" 15/15 (Adult Youth) ---------------------------- THE CHOICE by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2006 written on November 12th 1996 translated by the author English text kindly revised by Khasidi ----------------------------- USUAL DISCLAIMER "THE CHOICE" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest. ----------------------------- CHAPTER 15 - PAIN AND LOVE Gustavo, silent and dejected, moved slowly to the other end of the kitchen with a heavy tread. Leaning his back against the refrigerator, he slipped his hands into his pockets and lowered his eyes to the tiles of the floor. Clara was trembling with anger as she stood up and, step by step, moved towards the man. When she was in front of him, She looked at him and said with a strained smile, "Understand?" she mocked in an affectedly feminine tone, "Oh, oh, oh mister parson! You have preached for such a long time on the virtue of understanding that the word comes easily to your lips. I have to understand, you say? Go to hell, you and your understanding!" She snapped her fingers under his nose, "Just like that, right? All this should make sense to me? One two three, go! Smooth and easy like tiny cream puffs? Forget it, blondie. Just get out of my face!" she shouted in an insulting tone. Adriano jumped up from his chair to again protest, but a cold glance from his mother at once blocked him. "Adriano, put your butt back on that chair or, I swear to Christ, I will start in where your father left off!" she snapped in a hard, threatening voice. Then she returned to stare at Gustavo. "Now I'll tell you exactly what I understand." she said slowly and forcefully, "I understand that just over a week ago I was a simple Filipino woman trying to content herself with what she had. To be realistic, it was a decent life - maybe not that happy - at the side of the man who married me. I was busy running back and forth between my home, my part-time job, and the church. All things considered, I felt serene, useful, alive. Yes, sir! I busied myself to help others, to serve his father, but above all to educate my four children. I was under the illusion that I was at least able to do my duty properly. "But now I see how naive I've been! All my toil... wasted! Empty! Useless! And then... God knows, maybe it was my fault? Maybe I wasn't dedicated enough? I tried to teach him what is good and right, to raise him to be a man... but what did he learn, this boy of mine? I break my heart to maintain the peace between him and mister Ubaldo Know-it-all. And what the hell happens? For twenty years, Sunday after Sunday, I send my children to catechism and to the parish associations - right in that same parish that paid you a salary, thanks to our money - so that they would learn the Gospel and grow up sound." In spite of the trembling that shook her, the woman continued, "And what for? After all that, my eldest son, my first born, cannot return to his home because his father doesn't want him in the house any more! And why? Because my son, not yet a full grown man, even if he already thinks he's an adult, decided to go to bed with another man!" Clara choked and her voice came out in a hiss, "And with whom? The man with whom he decided to do those... those things is none other than our parson; the one who was supposed to be teaching him that such things are not to be done. This is utter nonsense! Eh! And how astonishing that this woman can't understand!" She paused a moment in her diatribe. "And you know one more thing, very reverend mister parson?" she asked, looking at him with fiery eyes, "I would like to know how anyone could claim to understand why my son should be shoving that stuff that God made so that he could give me many grandchildren up your asshole!" Gustavo's face, which was already burning like the coals in a fire, became vermilion when Clara spat out these last words. Unable to avoid this sledgehammer blow, the young man could only grimace painfully in answer to the mother's rage. He shut his eyes and lowered his head, almost to hold back the pain he was feeling, but Clara was not finished. "You can look where you want, my revered mister parson; but listen to me carefully. I want you to know how much I hate you, today! I hate you from the depths of my soul, because you, you are the cause of all this chaos that is destroying my life and that is surely going to destroy Adriano's, too! Love? Bullshit!" Then, suddenly passing into a more controlled tone of voice, the anguished mother started to reveal her more hidden thoughts, "God knows, even though inside myself I still believe that what you are doing is base and damned, I could still survive the knowledge that you two do such obscenities, if it was something secret, something only I knew." Tears slipped from the corners of the woman's tired and hopeless eyes. "Believe me, I'm telling the truth... I try to be a good Catholic woman, and I would never lie, above all about a thing like this... Honestly, I think I could even resign myself to all this. It is true, it would have been like having seven swords in my hearth, like Our Lady of Sorrow; but, if that meant I didn't have to lose my son, I would have done somersaults to keep it hidden from his father!" Clara's momentary control gave way and her voice regained its fury as her wrath returned. "But let me say one thing. Even though it was Ubaldo, this boy's father, who put him on the street, you are the cause! It is you who are taking him away from me! You, sir! I say it and I repeat it. The one, single, truly responsible person is you. When you took my son to have fun in bed, when you made him your bed-boy, you swept away any crumb of possible harmony that might still have existed in the Crespi home!" Clara's bag hit Gustavo's face with a dull blow, underlining her firm conviction of what she had just said. Even though the man was staring at the floor, out of the corner of his eye he had seen the blow coming, but, knowing that his ordeal was not ended, he did nothing to avoid it, neither did he look up at her after she lowered the bag. "Mum, that's enough!" Adriano shouted in anguish. It was amazing the quantity of pain that a kitchen apparently so welcoming and simple could contain. "My God!" Clara moaned shaking her head in dejection, "Oh my God! Look what they have made me do!" she said in a sob and, returning to the table, she sat down heavily on the chair. Adriano's clear eyes, until then dimmed by the confusion, suddenly cleared. He knew without the any doubt that the moment had come to show that he was now a man, no longer the boy devoid of responsibilities he had been until then. He wanted to be seen as a man, not somebody eternally in need of help, but rather able to give his help. His smooth forehead wrinkled as his lips grew taut as, still thoughtful and silent as he looked back over the road of fear and pain he had walked in the preceding months, he became aware of how much he had progressed. From somewhere he found the strength to take the next step along that road. Suddenly free of fear and confusion, the handsome youth stood up straight as he came to a decision. First he went over to Gustavo. When he was a boy he had learned through direct experience how heavy his mother's hand could sometimes be. With his fingertips he gently inspected the red mark his mother's bag had left on Gustavo's right cheek. When he was reassured that no serious damage had been done, Adriano smiled and, with a soft voice which was nevertheless full of the passion that shone in his clear eyes, he said to his new lover, to his first lover, "Gustavo... I loved you yesterday... I love you today... I will love you tomorrow. I don't care about anything else." He knew perfectly well that his mother was hearing his words, yet he was still determined to behave as a man. The tall, slender youth turned with a solemn expression and crossed the kitchen again. He detoured around the white table and pressed his hand on his mother's shaking shoulder, Clara had begun to cry. He let his hand rest on her shoulder for a long while, silently - exactly as she had often done for him when, as a child, he had been oppressed by problems. Then, bending over her, he embraced her shoulders with the strength of his long arms and he held her tight and kissed her cheek, "Mum, I love you... God knows how much I love you!" Cautiously brushing his cheek, still reddened and burning from the blow, Gustavo slowly drew near the beautiful boy he loved, who was kneeling to console his mother. He put his hand on Adriano's head as if in a gesture of benediction, almost to give him some of his strength. He remained standing by the table near mother and son. As he waited, he prayed in his heart that the tide of pain in which all three were swimming would ebb. He knew that he himself could never be as valiant as the heroic youth who had become his lover. After a while, when Clara had recovered her calm, Gustavo spoke, "Mrs. Crespi, as for my nature, no matter its direction, I am exactly like any other man. But I have never been a hedonist; neither do I spend time in the company of hedonists. After I was ordained as a priest, though I still felt these urges inside myself - and at times I felt them very strongly - I did my best to follow the Gospel and to be faithful to my vows. And I was able to remain faithful. "Because of everything I know of him, I believe that Adriano behaved exactly in the same way," The man added, nodding in direction of her son. "And, if I am sure of that, I know that inside your heart you can be, too. Maybe I was wrong. Perhaps I chose the wrong word when I asked you to understand. What I wanted to ask you is - if you can find it inside your heart, if you can find a little of it - is to give your forgiveness to him... to forgive me... us... for the pain we have caused you, even though things cannot go backwards, cannot become again as they were before. I don't want to make you feel that what you believe to be wrong is right... It is just that I... I would like you to know... to believe that what has happened between me and Adriano, is not a degenerate choice... rather it is love in its more human and complete shape. "I beg your forgiveness from the depths of my heart for all your suffering... but look at us. What did we do, Adriano and I? What is it that is really there between the two of us?" Gustavo asked, quietly surprised that now he was able to find these words, "What is it? Simply, it is the most wonderful thing that can exist in this world, Mrs. Crespi, no matter how peculiar it may seem to you. Two people who have discovered what, for years, unconsciously, without being at all aware of it, they had felt inside their hearts, what they desired. And then, they said 'yes' to each other. They said yes to their mutual love. They accepted their love for each other completely, in all the ways, even physically, and they decided to do their best to make this love last." Looking up at him, Clara frowned, her eyes, wet with tears. But the woman didn't interrupt Gustavo and even listened to what he had to tell her. "Do what we want? Do as we like?... No, ma'am, it isn't like that. I am not lying to you. Your son and I just listened to our hearts, and we both were more than in agreement, even when our sentiments and feelings guided us into the other room, on the bed. And yet, for any joy, for any pleasure that we gave each other in these last days, there also arose in our hearts a great pain, because we know that there will be nobody, nobody who will never ever tell us, we are happy for you. We know that nobody ever will celebrate our love." Suddenly Gustavo knelt near Adriano and his mother. "What we face is sly remarks and wickedness, as soon as people know what there is between Adriano and me. Your husband's reaction was a first taste - unhappily, not the last one. But, besides that - Adriano and I have talked about this a lot and, in spite of the fact that I tried to show your gentle and strong son all the difficulties - especially now that I am no longer a priest and I still don't have a job - he says he is sure he wants to share all that with me, that he will be able to face all the difficulties, blow after blow, together with me. Of course, as with any other choice, only time will tell how it will end; but, like him, I am also ready to run this risk. I will always be at his side, ma'am, because, beyond any other thing that this boy has said, the most important thing to me is that he says he loves me. "And on that point," the ex-priest said forcefully, "I don't have the slightest doubt." As he said this, he looked straight into Adriano's eyes. "Even though, for others, there may be no meaning in the idea that two men love each other. You know, it is not just you, Mrs. Crespi, who has had your life terribly upset in just a few hours. Look at me. The way things are at present, my previous life is over. I have lost all I built over the years, all and everything. But I know, and you who are his mother should know it, too, that this young man's head is on his shoulders. I admit that at times he is stubborn, but he is never heedless and he never lies. That's why I believe in his words, in his feelings, and I accept the fact that I am losing everything... everything! Because I know that I am gaining much more... Him, his love!" The man said, frankly. "And there is another thing that gives me strength - this love manifested itself suddenly, but it was growing inside of us for years, for six years; and the fact that we show each other this love physically also has become a need for both of us a need, a need so strong that we cannot deny it." Gustavo continued. "It is not lust, ma'am, believe me. With your experience of the world, I don't doubt that must seem remarkable. You are worried, ma'am, about what is waiting for him. You foresee difficulties and dangers, as any good mother would. And because of this, you analyze what is right and wrong, following your convictions; and you anticipate the concrete problems, and people's opinions... But my mind is more absorbed by what is inside our hearts. Hearing him say what he feels towards me is like a balm to my soul, a blessing, something sacred and holy. I am happy, even though I cannot communicate this happiness to anybody." Gustavo slowly reached the hand that Clara had put on the table and took it in his own big hand. In spite of how tiny it was, he felt it stiffen at his touch as if it were steel; but, when she didn't pull away, he added, "I imagine that, among other things, you think that I am a madman and that Adriano too is mad. In a way, I agree, I think he is, too. I have thought so since he first spoke to me of his love. But I love him. I love him enough to leave my calling to be a priest, my place in the Church, my means of subsistence, and to completely upset my public and private life - and all this so suddenly. And yet, I am not an irresponsible person. Anything I may lose because of this choice, I love him enough to say that I don't regret it at all, that I would do it again immediately, a thousand times. "You may ask how all this could happen, and why. In spite of the ten years of difference our ages, I never intended to lead him into something as difficult as this, I never made plans to induce him to listen to me, I didn't exert undue influence over him, I did not manipulate him in any way... Believe me, I didn't even, ever, suspect that Adriano felt attracted by me, was falling in love with me. And, as for my attraction to him, I didn't think it meant this - I admired him as a good boy, intelligent, handsome - why not? - diligent, cheerful, reflective... the best of all the others. I told myself these things sometimes with a pleasure that I believed to be more that of an elder brother than something that was brought about by love." As he spoke, the man's face looked almost majestic though, at the same time, he had the look of a boy, awestruck at such a great thing. It was as if a bank of clouds had suddenly dispersed and the sun shone forth. "Whether you can believe it or not, all this has been a linking together of circumstances that allowed us to read our inner selves and to reveal to each other, at the same moment, our mutual sentiments." It had taken a lot of time, but the tension surrounding the three at that table loosened. More than the words, it was the tone, and what his eyes were saying, that enabled Clara to finally accept the inescapable truth and, even if she did not yet really understanding it, to believe that, as foreign as it might be to her, the two really did love each other. In this way, all three were able to lay aside the examination of their respective positions and, letting themselves be led by the common sense, to begin to talk about concrete and essential matters: where Adriano would live; the continuation of his studies; the possibility of a job for Gustavo. The man explained the Cardinal's offer of help to her and how he had proposed that Gustavo might move to a town in the center of Italy where there was a small but ancient and prestigious university at which he might get, just to start, a temporary job for a year, teaching philosophy. He could sell the apartment and rent a small one in that town. Clara said nothing about the fact they would be living together, but accepted the fact that Gustavo was talking about "our home". Although she didn't much like the thought that Adriano would leave their town, she knew that it was the best thing to do. Both Gustavo and the Crespi family were too well known in the city to be able to live there together without problems. And when the woman asked Gustavo to be sure that he wouldn't make Adriano miss out on anything and he reassured her, Clara believed him and seemed to relax a bit. One thing that the woman really did appreciate was when she heard that Gustavo had gone to talk to, and had opened his heart completely to, the Cardinal even before her husband had caught them. She was also comforted when she heard how the Cardinal had offered Gustavo his help and assistance in spite of the kind of problem the priest gone to confess. At last, the woman stood up and began to make herself ready to return home. While she was putting on her gloves, she said to her son, "Go to your room and look in the inner pocket of your suitcase, the one that is closed with a zipper. There is an envelope for you. It contains all my savings, everything I was able to scrape together in so many years of shopping, you know... so your father doesn't know anything about it. You will need them now... you two will need them more than I will. There is a little more than five million lire..." Then she addressed Gustavo with a severe glance, "And you! Don't let him waste this money. I can't put together another such a sum quickly. And also... keep me informed, eh? I don't want my husband to know, but... you can send me letters here, at my friend's palace" She handed the man a folded sheet of paper that she evidently prepared earlier. "But, it doesn't matter whether my husband knows about it or not; he may be able to forbid his son back in the house, but he can't stop me from seeing him!" "Mrs. Crespi, everything that is mine belongs to him so you don't have to worry about money. We will perhaps have a hard period at first; but everything will settle down over time - also his Eminence, who has been so kind to me, will help." "Anything he might need, anyway... Oh my God, I don't know which of you two will have to take care of the other!" Clara said with a deep sigh. She raised an eyebrow and looked Gustavo in the eye, "And, are we not forgetting something, mister Cirasa?" the woman asked. Then, before he could ask her what she meant, she added, "If you are going to live with my son, if you are going to take care of him... if you really love each other, as you say..." and she paused a moment to dry a tear with the back of her glove. Her voice shuddered. "How incredible it seems, I really still have some difficulty accepting it; but..." She shook her head in astonishment at what she was about to say. "It would probably be better, more right if... if we stop being so formal and start calling each other by our first names," she concluded. In order to hide the tears that she couldn't hold back any longer, she turned towards the door to leave. Adriano quickly followed her into the entrance hall. Feeling for a moment like a kid again, insecure and embarrassed, he put his arms around his mother and pulled her against him with all his strength, "Thank you, Mum." he whispered. "Even though it is difficult for you to understand, thank you." The woman and the boy burst in tears together. "No, Mum... don't cry... please..." the boy begged, "You don't have to worry about anything. Everything will be fine, you'll see. And we will remain in touch, and you can come to see us..." "I don't know..." the woman sobbed, "It is all still so peculiar... but, Adriano, remember... anything could happen, but, as long as I'm alive, I am here, you can count on me... understood?" And, freeing herself from her son's embrace, she opened the entrance door. She pulled her coat tightly around herself and went out. Then she turned and said to Gustavo who was standing behind Adriano in the doorway, "Take care of my son, Gustavo, please." "Of course, Clara," the man answered, deeply stirred. Adriano and Gustavo watched as she went quickly down the stairs without turning back, until she reached the first landing and disappeared down the next flight. ----------------------------- THE END ----------------------------- In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to read them, the URL is http://andrejkoymasky.com If you want to send me feed-back, or desire to help revising my English translations, so that I can put on-line more of my stories in English please e-mail at andrej@andrejkoymasky.com ---------------------------