Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2020 20:28:24 +0000 (UTC)
From: ozorli65@aol.com
Subject: All for Terry (27)

This story is different than i normally write. It's a love
story. My first.

I was going through some old boxes of things and found some
adult magazines I used to have.  I hadn't seen them in years.
As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more
in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of
them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course.
But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.

As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had
worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I
found he was the guy in my magazines.
This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for
many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.

This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.

Enjoy....
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All for Terry
(Chapter 27)
....A Difficult Recovery...

... The next few days were torture.for me. I did come back into work the
next day.and luckily my boss wasn't there that day. So I didn't have to
talk to her. I knew she would interrogate me about my trip and Terry. And
whether it was stuck in bed Because of sex something like that.
So I stayed in my office and barely looked up. I saw some guys walk
through the place and were talking to the assistant manager of the
office. I hadn't seen them before. But I didn't care. I was glad that I
hadn't seen Terry walk into the building either. I didn't want to break I
to tears. Although I did have momenta through out the day that I almost
did in the phone. And boy did I try and put on a brave face. Just trying
to work and get through my day.
And for the most part I was able to put on a false face of being okay.
Even as I would have someone now and then come into my office on a
client. And if they questioned my disposition i would just say I was
feeling under the weather.

"Let me go home" I said to myself as the day winded down

And the minute I stepped into the car I broke into tears. For I knew I
would be going home to my lonely apartment and bed. So I sat there in the
parking lot of work, bawling for a good 10 minutes.
Then when i was able to finally calm down. I drove home.only to get there
and start again. I tried to eat something quick as I really wasn't much
for food.
I ate and drank some wine to try and calm my self. Looking at the glass
as the dark wine swirled about in it. I just gazed at it in a dizzying
cloud.
Then I thought of the wine I had on vacation. Ohh so much wine. That
vacation with 'him' Terry. So I sighed. I got up and just placed the
dishes into the sink. Then I just went to bed early. I was drained and
just wanted to sleep.
I stepped into my bedroom. It was still a mess from when we got back.
From getting back a few days ago. I sighed as I looked at it. The
disheveled bed and clothes all about. I tried to pick up a few items off
the floor.

"What's this?" I said when I saw the shirt on the floor

The shirt that wasn't mine. I dropped everything else as I knew who it
belonged to. It was Terry's shirt. He had left it here in his rush to get
out of my apartment.
My face saddened as my mouth dropped opened a bit. I picked ot up and
held it for a moment. Then I could smell it. His scent. Even this far
away I could. I pulled the shirt to my face and then inhaled it.
Yes, it was his wonderful scent. That glorious smell of his body at that
cologne he always had on. So long after he had been here. I dropped to
the bed and just started to cry again. And again bawling uncontrollably.

"Why did he do this to mee!" I cried
"I actually loved him".
"Whyy!"

And again I cried myself to sleep. Soaking my pillow with me tears as it
just didn't seem to want to stop. The crushing weight in my heart made me
believe I could die right now from it and it would not matter.
Thoughts of dying of a broken heart rushed through me. I had heard that
it was possible to die from it. And the way my heart felt at that moment.
I did not doubt it.
And at that moment of so much heart ache, I welcomed it. I welcomed death
to find me. To punch through my chest to end my suffering.

"This will kill me" I huffed through sobs

I saw myself lying in my bed the horrible pain in my chest from this ache
that he had left me with. How my heart would just stop or even actually
pop from such a pressure.
But all there was was the endless flow of tears. That was until I felt
asleep in them. My breaths so strained that unconsciousness found me. Not
death. Sleep took hold and I would fall into the black abyss of it. And
thankfully no dreams came. At least not for a while.
Maybe the pain was to great for my brain to try and process anything. And
that to was welcome. To not be haunted in my dreams by this torture.

I woke and went to work again the next day. Arpi was there and she hunted
me down. Fining me in my office, looking like Crap. My face long and
drawn. My eyes red from all my tears

"There you are" she said
"What happened?"
"What. What d you mean" I huffed

I looked at her with some confusion. At first I figured she wanted to see
how the weekend went. Some thing I just didn't want to talk about. I
could feel the ache welling up in my chest again. Thinking she would
interrogate m me. But her face was not just curiosity. There we almost an
odd concern about her face.
"Terry pulled from meetings" she then said
"His company is sending someone else"

I knew why. It was clear he wanted never to even gaze upon me. He wanted
to do all possible not to see me again. And then the tears started again.
Heavy breaths pushed through my lips as the now familiar pain for through
my heart.

"I, I gotta go" I blurted. Trying not to explode into sobbing again
"I don't feel good still"
"Wait?!" She shouted
"What's going on. What happened"

I rushed passed her as the flood began again. Chirping out an apology as
I ran out the door. I gotta to my car and turned it on. I hen rushed out
of the parking lot.
I didn't get very far though. Emotion exploded inside my chest again. I
pulled into another office building parking lot and quickly parked.
And again I cried uncontrollably in my car. Sitting there in my car for
25 minutes just sobbing again. Leaning on the steering wheel as I did.

"Are you okay in there" I heard as someone shout at me

I looked over to see a woman outside my car. She obviously so me in my
car sobbing. I turned at her and lowered my window. So again she asked me
of I was okay. I didn't want to let her know I was dumped by a guy.
Didn't know what this woman may think. Or if she would gay hate.

"I'm okay. Thanks" I blathered out
"Just got some terrible news is all"
"I'll be okay. Just gonna sit here for a bit"
"Thanks you"

She looked at me and asked if there was anything she could help with. I
found it nice that this stranger had concern for me. But I really just
wanted her to go away.
So I again said I would be okay. That I didn't live fat and would go home
once I collected myself

"Okay" she said
"I am sorry for your loss"

I thanked her as I saw she assumed some one I knew had died. I half
smiled at her and she walked away. But she was right sort of. Someone had
died. Not physically, but I emotionally had just died. I then shut the
window and pulled my seat back and just lay there in my car crying.
I did eventually collected myself and go home. An hour later. I had a
sandwich and a drink and not much else. I went to bed right after. And
again fell asleep in my tears.

The next few weeks weren't much better. I was in and out of work, and it
was effecting my health. I didn't eat in some days. I would make food and
just push it away as the pain crept back in. Then fall into weeping
again.
I didn't understand why this break affected me so much. I have had heart
breaks before. And they hurt. But nothing seemed to compare to this pain.
It was like a spike being driven into my chest over and over again.

"Why!?" I would shout and cry out
"Why?"

I had been through many a heart ache. Some relationships that had lasted
far longer than this one. But for some reason, Terry gave me much more
pain than I would have imagined.
And this pain coat me alot. For as I sat, or mostly lay in bed each day
wallowing in my pain, I got sick and even lost my job. 3 months after the
incident, I was let go. And now I was jobless.
So I had reached pretty low after it all. And again I couldn't believe I
had let myself fall into my suffering. I feared that I would lose my home
soon. But I just could stop the lain ripping through my chest.

"Can I come over" my boss Ago I had said
"Sure" I stated when I got her call

I hoped she was there to give me my job back.but as she was my friend too
I figured it was to see how I was doing.
She came over to the disaster that had become my apartment. I rarely
cleaned as I wasn't up to much of anything but cry.

"What the Hell happened here?" She shouted
"Me" I said trying to be funny

Then she got down to it. Saying she was worried about me. That she
assumed I would be out trying to fund work. But her office never received
calls.
"I was gonna give you a glowing review" she said

She mentioned that regardless of what happened she thought I was a great
employee and friend. And that only when my work was effected did she take
notice.

"But as I got no calls. I started to worry" she added
"And by this. I can see you haven't done much"
"I don't want you to end up on the streets" she then said

She then offered me my job back. But it was conditional to getting my ass
back in order. She understood my pain as she had been through it too. But
she pointes out that no one was worth me crumbling like this for.
I smiled and thanked her for her kindness. Thanked her for actually
giving me another chance. She gave me a hug and a check.

"This will tide you over until you come back to me" she said

She wanted me back in 2 weeks. And then told me to clean up the place. I
sat down and sighed in disgust of myself. Then cried a bit more.
But she was right. I needed to get my act together. Yes I was in pain.
But life goes on. Unfortunately life goes on. So I picked myself up and
tried to get it together.

"I am the biggest fool" I said to myself.
"Why would he even wanted something with me?"
"Soo fucking stupid."

I went to bed and just lay there for a while before sleeping. The next
day, I cleaned up my apartment. And started my slow move towards being
myself again......
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To be continued