Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2020 23:47:23 +0000 (UTC)
From: ozorli65@aol.com
Subject: All for Terry (28)

This story is different than i normally write. It's a love
story. My first.

I was going through some old boxes of things and found some
adult magazines I used to have.  I hadn't seen them in years.
As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more
in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of
them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course.
But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.

As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had
worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I
found he was the guy in my magazines.
This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for
many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.

This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.

Enjoy....
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All for Terry
(Chapter 28)
....Trying again...

... I came back to work as Arpi had asked of me. It was very hard as the
lingering pain could be brought up at any time. Even though I had tried
all things to pull me away from such thoughts of him. Some days were
better than others. Some days I had to take a moment. A long moment just
to breath. Just breath to keep from breaking down.
And my boss was great about it. Sometimes she would pull me into her
office just so could bawl it out for a bit. Then she would order me to
get over it. And get back to work.
I can say that in a boss I was lucky. She did all possible to keep me
okay. Sometimes just taking me out for drinks. And unlike most situations
like this, she didn't try to set me up with people to get over him.

"I find that stupid" she said
"It only makes it harder"
"Or you just jump into something that is probably not right for you in
the long run"
"You will find your way back one day" she stated

She knew it would be hard and she didn't coddle me into believing all
would be grand. And I appreciated that more than anything. So I was able
to yake time to heal the wounds caused by Terry.
After a while I became resentful of him and his assumption that everyone
wanted hi. Because he was a model once. Because he was this hot man that
everyone wanted. But I know I was different and I knew that.  Yes I had
first seen him on that magazine cover. Yes I had fallen smitten by his
stunning looks. But I didn't want him as arm candy display to others. I
wanted him only to myself. For I would be afraid to have him on display
out in public, as I didn't even think someone like him would have
interest in ordinary old me. And I would be scared that someone would
steal him from me.or of course that he would change my mind. Something I
figured was what he did after that wonderful time together. It was when I
knew I loved him. Because now the pain in my heart was crushing.

"Fucking asshole" I flowered
"He only lead me on"
"Just to bring me down"
"Lets play this doughy eyed fool"
"I should have known.."

I cried a little more, but bucked up and got angry at him. Almost cursing
him for his fake interest in me. So for that I was able to slowly move
on.
I almost through all his things away. The magazine's he was in, the gift
he had given me after our weekend and his shirt he had left behind in his
rush to get out of my place that day. But I figured if he decided to
contact me back I would just give him these things. I placed them in a
box again and shoved them in the closet and tried to forget about them.

"I think I will just stay alone" I had said to myself
"I can't trust anyone with my heart again"

And that's how I decided to be. I would not take dates, especially if
someone tried to hook me up. And it was the first thing I told Arpi when
I came back to work fir her.

"No hook ups please" I said to her
"I want nothing to do with it until I am ready"
"Not to worry" she had said
"Don't want you a giant mess again"

It was some months later that I was sitting at home. I was starting to
finally feel good about myself. I was going through email when I saw a
notification from a dating site. I looked at it curiously and was going
to just delete it. But then I paused as I looked at it again. I didn't
delete the thing and just moved on. I didn't want to consider anything
like dating, but i figured maybe one day I might, again.
But as I closed email and got ready for bed I sat there at the desk. I
sighed deeply as I thought of dating again.i pondered putting myself out
there again. Testing the waters to see if I wanted to risk the
possibilities of a relationship.

"Ughn. Can't" I them huffed
"I just can't"
"Not now. Not now"

I decided just to hit bed and sleep. But as I was in the closet looking
for something to wear for tomorrow I bumped a big in the floor. I looked
down and knew what it was. It was the 'Terry' box. The box I had placed
his things in.
I sighed and then grabbed it. I couldn't help myself as I opened it.
There inside it was his shirt. And under it the other items. Including
the magazines.
I pulled out the shirt and a magazine. There it was, his fave again. I
sighed sadly as I looked upon him once more. I felt sadness begin to
creep in once more.

"Why?" I sniffled
"I just don't understand"

And then I caught the smell. That familiar cologne smell that was all
Terry. I looked at the shirt on the floor and reached for it. I pulled it
to my face and inhaled. It was his small again. Even after all this time
it was Terry's smell.it infiltrated my head and lingered in my nostrils.
I them just sat there in the floor of the closet and started to cry
again. I just couldn't help it. My heart still ached for him. Even now
closing in on a year after he broke with me.

"Fucker" I huffed blubbering
"I loved you. I Fucking loved you"

I sobbed for a bit longer before collection myself again. Then I placed
the items back in the box. My eyes lingered on his beautiful face again.
How I wanted to kiss those lips again. I placed my fingers to his face.
And then I sighed again. My heart sinking in my chest as that familiar
ache took hold again.

"Fuck" I huffed

I pulled myself up off the floor and then crawled up into bed. I pulled
the sheets up and over my head and fell asleep after a bit more crying.
I went back to work in the morning, like every other day now. Keeping the
growing depression down inside while at work. Then smiling blankly as
people interacted with me. So other than the facade I placed out there
for people, I felt dead inside. It's Something I could not shake.

That was until I went back to the dating app attached to that email from
months before. The thing us I had forgotten about it until I received
another email from the site again. And this time I opened it.
I looked at the link and it lead me to a dating sire I hadn't been on in
ages. I had actually forgotten about it. So I tried to sign in, not
remembering my user name or password. But after several emails back and
forth between me and the site administrators I was back in there again.

"Might as well see who has interest" I said

I looked at the last two pokes. They were from the same guy. Near 6
months separated the two tags. So I realized how long it had been since
the first one.

"He seems interested" I said to myself
"Whomever he is"

I then looked at the guys page. His name was Edwin. He was older than me.
Almost 10 years. But he was handsome. He mentioned what he was looking
for.
'Someone fun and spontaneous. Someone who is young and into doing things
on the fly'.

Of course he wanted someone 'cute'. And it said 'look me up and say hi if
you are interested'
He seemed interesting. At least there was that. I then looked at the
messages he left me. First one from months ago.:

"I see you haven't been in here in a while" it said
"And surprised I have never come across you"
"You are cute and I would like to meet"
"Contact me"

Then his second one from the other did before I pulled it up again. He
seemed more interested.

"You don't answer before" it said
"Maybe you are dating"
"Shame, because you are adorable"
"If not. Please let me know"
"Because would love to have dinner and drinks"
"Edwin"

I looked at the message. Then I looked at the images he had in his page.
I sighed as I looked at the first goos looking man. Then I just sighed
and shut it down. Deciding not to move any further. That was safer, I
thought....

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To be continued