Date: Fri, 19 Aug 2022 15:07:11 +0000 (UTC)
From: "ozorli65@aol.com" <ozorli65@aol.com>
Subject: All for Terry (51)

I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines
I used to have.  I hadn't seen them in years.  As I went through them I saw
a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were
covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few
times. Before I knew who he was of course.  But I always thought he was the
most gorgeous man I had ever seen.

As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had
worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I
found he was the guy in my magazines.
This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for
many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.

This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.

Enjoy....

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All for Terry
(Chapter 51)
OMG, Terry!..


... Time continued to pass for me. Now completely alone in my
unhappiness, alone in my suffering. I had lost the love of my life going
on 5 years now. My heart shattered into millions of pieces at the
knowledge of his accident that took him from me. An accident that I still
felt to this day was caused by me. Or at least because of me. And
accident following the biggest fight we had ever had. Hateful words
exchanged and then he was gone. Snuffed out by the flip and tumble of a
cr over a cliff. The eruption if flames that as I look back I believe I
felt the moment when he died. Or when the fires consumed him.
And I had to live with the guilt of his death. All these years after and
trying as I may to move on. But even with the help of the sweetest man I
had ever met. my sweet friend Serge. This wonderful man that after Terry
passed took it upon himself to take care of me. To look after me to make
sure I was okay. To keep me from trying to do myself in because if my
grief.
And I had loved him dearly for it. But that love and his love for me
brought us too close. Too close when I could not truly give him all of
me  when he wanted it. For I was still completely and utterly in love
with my fallen Terry.

"I should go" were Serge's last words the last time we were together.

And follow that our conversations ended. His stating that he could no
longer be there for me. For it was too difficult for him due to his
feelings for me.
And I could not blame him for this push back. But because if it all I was
not truly alone. And as I sit in my living room. The mess that it is.
Many months after Serge was last here. My desire to clean or care for my
home no existent. And only the dog was here to keep me company. As much
as she try, but it was never enough. I would feed her, let her out in the
back yard and then just go to sleep. I am sure she figured I didn't love
her anymore.

"I should clean" I would say to myself daily.

Then I would start it. Try to clean up the mess that was the house. But
stop after a few minutes. Or a few items. Then I would stop and just
start to cry. I was back to eating little and just moping about the place
in endless suffering. And I was back to in and out of work. Calling out a
lot more than I should. Thankfully I worked from home mostly. So I had
but to sign in and at least get some work done. As much as I could per
day.
But depression was a constant in my life. And I was back to reconsidering
life and living in general. Wanting to kill myself again. But I never
followed through and did it. I guess all those talks with Serge had
helped me some. Enough to keep me from commiting the fatal deed. But not
enough to suppress all the pain that had returned.

"Oh my Terry" I said as I sat on the sofa one morning.
"I should be dead my love"
"I should be dead"
"It's all my fault you are gone. All my fault"

And then I would cry myself to sleep once more. The dog climbing up to
bed next to me my only comfort. Then the tossing and turning in the night
to try and get beyond this pain.
Then I awoke one morning and I dragged myself out of bed. A place I just
did not want to leave anymore. This is the morning that the shock of all
shocks to befall me happened. The morning I had awoken from another bad
dream. Shouting out his name as always from the depths of the horror that
had become sleep. Jolted from it and seeing I was back in my place (our
place). Again staring about the room.
Then getting up to see the face in the mirror. The awfulness that had
become my face. The pain of it all apparent on my face. I washed my face
in the sink, I tried to brush my teeth with little effort and I stepped
out to the kitchen to get myself some coffee. A drink other than alcohol
that filled my belly.
It was then that the door bell rang. A sound I rarely heard since Serge
left my to myself and my own devices. And I wondered was it him. Was it
the only person that I had left that I had trusted. Was he back just to
make sure I was okay. We had not spoken in quite some time since 'the
incident'. And for the most part I figured I would never see him again.
He had offered me the live I so needed and I had taken it. Only to push
him away in a retreat to my woes. My still endless longing for the man I
left for dead.

"Serge!" I called out
"Is that you Serge?".

I went to the door. Coffee in hand and prepared to let my dear friend in.
But it was when I opened the door that my head instantly spun around and
a whirlwind. An incredible maelstrom of emotion that flooded me as I saw
his face again. The face of the man I had known dead for so many years
now.

"T-t- Terry" I huffed as I saw his face as he stood there.

And all that emotion that poured into my body was just far too much for
me. I stumbled and lost equilibrium and fell over, fainting to the floor.
The cup in my hand flying off and smashing to the flood. Shattering into
pieces. Well I assumed it so as it was the last sound I heard before
falling into unconsciousness.
And as I lay there in the blackness. As I lay there in the floor unsure
of what had just happened. My.mind reeled at the possibility that I too
had just died. That I had just called. To some coronary event. Or maybe a
stroke or some other affliction that brought the death I had been longing
for for so long to my door. Was I dead? 'Was I dead?'
I swam in the darkness for a bit. My life (or recent one I had) flashed
around me. Images of myself and the love of my life Terry. My body lost
in his embrace. His face, his beautiful face looking at me. Eyes soft
with the tenderness of the love we once shared in them. Lips moist in
preparation for a kiss. The words pouring out from his lips as he told me
he loved me. Albeit it echoed with a metallic resonance as his voice
voiced around in my head.

"I love you" echoed in mt head
"I love you"

Then his voice change. The time changed and lost the metallic tonality.
Pushing back to an almost normal tone. But he was not saying he loved me
now he was asking if I was alright. If I was okay. Then I smelled it, I
could smell his scent. That long lost scent that could only read Terry.
That mix of that cologne he loved and his awesome body as it found its
way back into my head. Such a glorious and very missed smell.
And he continued to speak to me. I felt his hand on my cheek, he patted
at it as he spoke. Continually asking how I was doing. His voice showing
a sprinkle of concern as his hand tapped away at my cheek.
But behind his voice was another. A female voice. Higher pitched and
almost piercing. A slight shrillness in it. But unlike his it was an
unfamiliar voice. A woman I had not heard before. She was asking him if I
was okay. Then I felt a small hand I'm mine. Tapping at it.
I had to open my eyes. I had to pull myself from the death I assumed had
finally taken me. Thinking I had passed to the other realm and I was to
see him again. So, yes I had to open my eyes. And I did, and I looked up
to see two faces looking back at me. To the right i saw this young woman.
She could not have been more than 20 at best. Soft brown hair cut bow the
shoulders. A pretty face and greenish eyes.
But to the left was his face. Terry's face. He was fuller around the
cheeks. Almost rounder and there was a small scar over his eye. And just
along under it for a millimeter or so. But it was him. His face was as
familiar and beautiful as I had ever remembered, save for that scar now
placed there.
Was this my dead Terry in his post accident heavenly look. The grave mark
of his last moments place across his face to reminded me what I caused. I
started to smile as I looked up at him. Feeling emotion fill my chest

"Terry?" I huffed as I felt my heart fill up
"Is. Is that you?"
"Am I. Am I dead now?"

I wanted to reach up and touch his beautiful face. But then I heard the
young woman again and it pulled me from him. Who was she and why was she
here with us. I was seeing my love again. Here in whatever place I had
been placed, but there was a stranger in our midst.

"Are you alright?" She asked again
"Looks like you fainted"

I paused to just stare at her. This intruder in my happy moment of
finding my lover again. Again I asked myself who she was. Then just
blurted it out to her as well

"Who are you?"I then asked. My voice demanding answer

She smiled as I lay there. The two of them hovering over me as I lay in
the floor. She told Terry to get me seated upright. And my beloved man
pulled me up. His face closed to mine and he helped prop me to seated. I
looked around and saw the this heaven or whatever it was looked like our
home. And then I saw move into the room our dog.
That's when I surmised that this may be just an illusion. For it I were
dead, the fog could not be here with us. And this would explain the
strange woman I did not know. I then saw the cup I had dropped on the
floor. Laying there in a pool of coffee and broken porcelain.

"Is it my mind playing tricks" I then said aloud
"You are not here"
"I just fainted from lack of food"
"Fainted an you are just a hallucination"
"That's what you both are"

I gazed at Terry. As he crouched there near me. Still taken aback at what
ever was going on. For this false image or whatever it was I was seeing
sure smelled if my beloved Terry.  He half smiled and pulled me to
seated.

"It's me" he said
"It's Terry"

My mind felt as it may burst as I heard him speak. It was his voice. That
was for sure. The voice I had not heard in years. The voice that had
always soothed me in troubles and made me always believe all was well. So
I just looked at him. Looked at the older and fuller face that was my
Terry. There was a scar over his eye now, but it was him.
And then I turned to the young woman next to him. Who was she and why was
she here with me and Terry. If it was him come back from death, why was
she here?

"Who are you?" I asked her again
"I am Lily" she then said

Then she went on to explain to me what has been going on, why Terry was
gone from my side for all those years. How her mother found him and
brought him home. How he did. It know who he was after the accident and
they just took him in. How he has had amnesia for all this time.

"And everything is still very fuzzy" he chimed in.
"But Lily here knew that I had another life before then."
"How I had a life with you"

I was confused as to why it had taken so long. But then Lily chined in.
Saying that this was her mother's fault. She had known who Terry was from
day one. She then handed me his wallet. I looked at the leather object. I
opened it and there in the front flap was a picture of the two of us.
Younger and ever so happy. But there it was. A beautiful memory together
that had been long lost.
She had known all this time and the woman did not bring him back to me.
Why would she do something like that?

"But why?" I started to cry
"If she knew. Why?"
"My life crumbled after he was gone. I wanted to die myself because of
it."
"So why would someone be so unfeeling"

She leaned in and touched my hand. I pulled back and wanted to tell at
her. But she assured  me she had no idea. And terry said that Lily was a
teen when he first came to them. So I should not blame her.
"I am so sorry I have out you through such pain" he then said

Hale again said that thing were still so damned fuzzy. He still was not
sure whom I was but for the picture that suggested a relationship between
us. He touched my shoulder and squeezed at it. I looked back at his face.
That beautiful face that was still the most stunning face I could have
ever seen. I reached for his cheek and placed my hand to him. Just to
ensure I was indeed touching him.  Then my fingers moved up to his eye.
The scar over it that passed to his cheek. I felt the scarred skin. It
was a blemish that could not change his beauty. I passed my finger over
it. Form above his eye and then over his cheek.

"So you are alive" I then pronounced
"You are alive"

I then started to cry again. A relived happiness that the live I had lost
was back. He reached form me and pulled me to him. Holding me there and
rocking me in his arms as I sobbed. I fell into his embrace and swooned
as his smell came over me once more.

 Terry was back. Terry was home....

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to be continued