Challenges

Part XVI

***

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***Modern Day***

After a lengthy shower, Justin and Jason piled into Justin's car and headed off to the skating rink.

“I think this is the longest date I have ever been on.” Jason said looking out the window.

“I think this is the most sex I have had.” Justin laughed.

“When you connect,” Jason reached over to grab Justin’s hand. “You connect.”

They sat in silence, both smiling, as they approached the rink.

The rink was divided into two parts, one for ice and one for roller. Justin was never into roller skating, but he did enjoy the ice part. Mostly because it was cold inside and was a nice refreshing break from the summer heat.

“There is roller skating if you prefer that?” Justin asked, to make sure that Jason was okay with ice skating.

“Ice skating is better.” Jason smiled.

They climbed out of the car and headed for the inside rink.

***14 years ago***

For some strange reason the foreign language class always took a skating trip at the end of April. There really wasn’t anything foreign about it, but the class. The facility they went to had both roller and ice skating, so students had a choice.

Justin, Nate, Kimberly, Neil, and Grayson were going. Scott and Mark decided not to go, which Justin thought they should. It would be fun to have everyone together. Cody was still out of school with his treatment.

The two buses were lined up outside of the school, and it was 6:30 in the morning. The sun was already up, and was setting up to be hot. They loaded onto the bus and took seats near the middle. Of course the couples, Neil and Kimberly and Justin and Nate took seats next to each other. Grayson took a seat behind Justin and Nate. Justin felt sorry that Scott or Mark did not come.

“Can I sit here?” A girl with long black hair asked Grayson.

“Sure.” Grayson said moving over so she could have a seat. She was short, about 5’5 or so, and her skin was a dark tan. Her eyes were a dark brown, almost black.

“I’m Grayson.” He said, sticking his hand out to shake.

“Lydia.” She responded, shaking his hand.

They sat in silence as the rest of the students loaded on the bus. Once they were loaded the buses started to pull up and head towards the interstate to head to Albuquerque.

“Hi.” Justin said, turning to look over the bench. “I’m Justin, this is Nate, that's Neil, and Kimberly over there.”

“Nice to meet you all.” She responded with a smile. “I am sorry, but my friends ditched me at the last minute and decided not to go. I know you guys and you all seem friendly and accepting, so I gave it a shot.”

“Most of us are.” Neil responded. “Kimberly can be jealous. She likes being the only girl in the group.” Kimberly slapped his arm as everyone laughed.

“I have seen you around.” Justin resumed. “You hang out with Kyle and Cindy, correct?”

“Yea.” She picked at the chair. “I didn’t even want to go on this, but they did. Then they decided this morning as I was getting ready to leave that they were staying behind.”

“Rude.” Grayson retorted.

“It’s okay.” She smiled again. “They do that from time to time.”

Justin frowned as this sounded more like manipulating than friendship. Getting her to do something then dropping out at the last movement. He glanced at Kimberly and they locked eyes. They were thinking the same thing.

“Grayson,” Justin decided to drop the subject, and change the topic. “How is Cody doing?”

“He is doing really well.” Grayson lit up. “He is back in physical therapy and can sorta walk.”

“Will he be able to attend graduation?” Nate asked.

“They think he will be able to be there.” Grayson clicked his tongue on his teeth. “He may be in a wheelchair, but they think he can come.”

“Sucks the last semester of his senior year.” Neil shook his head. He wasn’t able to finish the basketball season and he had to do his work at home.

After the visit that Justin and Nate had with Cody and the Bishop, his parents relented on him having his friends over. Grayson went over almost every day to bring his homework and to help him as he could.

Justin and Nate went over at least once a week on the weekend to see him. The one thing that always shocked them the most was his loss of weight and muscle mass. He looked like a shell of his former self.  

“I am just glad he is doing better and okay.” Nate said, putting his head against the back of the seat.

They sat in silence for the majority of the way up.

***

Justin sat down on the bleachers that overlooked the skating rink. He was taking a break from skinning and watched the others spin around and have fun. It was a good day. He watched Grayson fall down for the 3rd time, and slide around on the ice. He was laughing, as Nate helped to pick him up.

“Having fun?” Lydia asked, walking up to him. She was sipping on a bottle of water.

“Tons.” He flashed a smile. “I am glad I came. How about yourself?”

“Eh.” She shrugged and sat down. “I am not a big skater. I have just been watching people.”

“I am sorry.” He looked at the others skating again. “When I first started I kept falling down as well. Couldn’t stay on my feet. But once I figured it out, I had a blast.”

“I can skate.” She responded absently. “I just don’t find joy in it I guess.”

“I see.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

“So you and Nate are a couple, correct?” Lydia asked, breaking the silence.

“Yes.” Justin nodded with a smile.

“And you are,” she thought for a moment, “Mormon?”

“Yes.” Justin eyed her wondering where this conversation was going.

“Isn’t that against your doctrines?”

Boy was she blunt. She reminded him of a female version of Scott.

“Well yes.” He laughed. “But I am who I am.” He shrugged and looked at Nate. “He makes me happy.”

“I see.” She sipped her water again.

Justin thought now would be a good time to go back and join his friends, but he didn’t want to seem rude. He shifted in his seat for a bit.

“If you were able to go back in time, and change anything, would you?”

“What do you mean?” Justin turned and found that Lydia was looking dead in his eyes.

“If you could back, and change everything,” She spread her hands apart like she was shifting sand, “and you could make yourself straight, would you?”

Justin opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He opened it again, but nothing. He wasn’t sure what the answer was. He never contemplated it, as no one had ever asked. He never asked. When the topic was discussed, it was assumed you were either born that way or you made the active decision to become gay.

He thought back to when he was 13 and realized who he was, and what these feelings meant. He ran through his head the internal argument he had within. He thought back to the moment he admitted, at least in his mind, that he liked guys. But, if he could go back in time and change anything.

It would be easier.

Life would be easier.

“No.” he said quietly, not sure he was believing himself. Would he? Could he?

“I see.” She nodded and sipped her water again.

Justin put his hands between his knees and lowered his head. The question had unnerved him, and made him wonder what life would have been like.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset.” Lydia said, putting her hand on his back. It was warm in the cold air that kept the ice from melting. “I am always curious if people would go back and change anything. Think about this: If you were not who you are today, and you changed something, what would be the outcome? Who would be impacted besides yourself?” She sucked in some air as she stood up. “And who would be lost?”

She walked off leaving Justin thinking deep. Would he change? And the last part, who would be lost?

***Modern Day***

Justin found himself in the same spot he was 14 years ago, taking another break. Jason was still on the ice rink.

Who would be lost?

He realized what she was saying. Finally. Cody, Jason, maybe Grayson, would all be lost. Cody and Jason were on the verge, and the edge, and because he was who he was, he was able to save two lives.

“No!” Justin said loud enough to echo off the wall. He blushed as almost the entire arena looked at him. Jason stopped and made his way over.

“No, what?” Jason asked as he sat down and grabbed the water bottle Justin had been nursing for a bit.

“Oh.” Justin blushed again. “It was an answer to a question I had several years ago.” Jason reached up and ran his hand through the side of Justin's head. Justin closed his eyes. “A friend of mine asked,” he chuckled, “right here actually had asked if I would ever go back and change who I was. If I could be straight that is.”

“Oh?” Jason cocked his head to the side. “Odd question.”

“She wasn’t being cruel about it. Just wanted to know.” He turned and looked deep into Jason’s eyes. Those blue pools that he saw were familiar. He had seen them off and on for the past several years, and was not finally able to understand. “She then said I could change who would be lost.” He could not turn his head to look away as Jason’s eyes had him transfixed. “I never understood what she meant till now.”

“You mean me?” Jason pulled his hand down and looked down. “I would be lost.”

“But you were not.” Justin pulled Jason into him. He didn’t care who saw.

****