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Enjoy,
Matt
*** Modern Day***
Once again, Justin found himself driving southbound on I-25 heading to Socorro. This time however he was not alone. He had bitten the proverbial bullet and decided to take Jason to his hometown to see where he grew up. They had one more day, and he wanted to spend as much time as he could before Jason jumped on a plane and headed back to Seattle.
They passed over the Rio Grande which had gone down a bit since the rains had subsided, but still had a good flow to it.
“Bad part about New Mexico,” Justin said absently, “Is there is not much water.”
“It’s nice.” Jason said, smiling looking at Justin. “It is a nice change of pace. I enjoy it here. I can see why you like it.”
Justin pondered it. Did he really like it here? Seattle had offered him a way to be himself. To be open about who he truly was. Sure he could do that here in New Mexico, but sometimes I felt that he was held back. His mother, for one, was not supportive. Matt was great but he was a busy person, and he didn’t want to make him feel like he had to drop everything.
Plus, since he had been home, all those memorie had been brought back to the surface. He thought about Grayson.
“Can I ask a personal question?” Jason asked, rubbing Justin's hand as it sat on the gear shift.
“I suppose.” Justin grinned. “I mean we have been pretty personal the last few days.”
“Well if you don’t want to answer, then please don’t. I don’t want to pry.” Jason looked out the side window again. They were passing a sign that said Socorro was 70 miles away. “In your letter you talked about another guy. That you were madly in love with him. What happened?”
Justin took a deep breath in. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get into that. The scars were deep still, and even though he had come to forgive Nate, he wasn’t sure if he could handle it emotionally.
“It’s okay.” Jason said with a smile. “I understand. We don’t have to talk about it.”
“No.” Justin said softly. “I am not sure how to begin. Or where to end.”
They sat in silence for a few miles. They were coming up on the Los Lunas village turn off.
“I would say things were going great. Or at least I thought they were.” Justin finally started to talk. For some reason he felt the urge to explain this part. Not so much for Jason, but for himself. “We dated through high school, and then we went off to college together. We ended up being dorm mates.”
“We still had not done anything sexually, but we did sleep in the same bed together. We had stopped going to church since our junior year in high school, and we both agreed that we would move forward when we were both ready. I am not sure why, but there were still some hang ups in my mind about it. If I went that far, would there be a turning back?” Justin took a deep breath.
Jason sat quietly, deciding not to look at Justin. This was his story, and he had to deal with it.
“Anyway, during our first year, Nate had an introduction to psychology class.” Justin chuckled. “He wanted to help young gay kids come to terms with their sexuality. Admirable, I know.” He paused, his face turned sour. “During the first week of class he befriended another student, her name was Sarah. At the time I didn’t think much of it. I knew that we would both find friends outside of each other, and that was fine. After all,” Justin’s voice turned darker, “She was a she. What did I have to worry about?”
Jason nodded. He could tell where this was going, mostly because of the tone Justin had.
“Anyway, when he introduced her to me, he called me his roommate.” Justin twisted his hands around the steering wheel. “I asked him about it later, and he told me he wasn’t sure how she would respond to his sexuality, and wanted to test those waters. Again, what did I have to worry about? She was a she.
“They hung out infrequently, which didn’t concern me. I had my friends and he had his. During the second semester things changed, and he started to hang out with her almost every night. They were both psychology majors and they had the same classes together, so I just chalked it up to them doing work together. He still came back to the dorms at night, and we still slept together, and he told me he loved me.”
They now passed the first turn off to Belen. Jason glanced at Justin and he could see the pain in his eyes.
“Close to the term, Nate came home from class, and he had this look in his eyes. I had never seen it before, but if I could describe it, I would say it looked like a wolf about to eat his prey.” Justin’s face turned soft, and his eyes started to water a bit. “That was the first time we had made love. I don’t know what overcame him, but it was glorious, and everything I dreamed of but more.
“The next morning he got up to get ready for his first class.” A frown came over his face. “Before he left he told me that no matter what happened, he would always love me.”
They sat in silence for a few more miles. They passed the south exit to Belen. Socorro was 45 miles away now.
Jason wanted to hug Justin, but in the car it would be too hard. He reached over and touched his shoulder instead. Justin chuckled a bit.
“After I came back from my afternoon classes, Nate had packed his stuff and left. Later I found out he had withdrawn from the university, and had moved to some place in California.” Justin slumped a bit. He was trying to avoid any crying. “I tried to find him, contact him. See if I had done something wrong. See what had happened, but I could not get ahold of him. Even his mother didn’t know what happened.
“So for several years, I don’t know what happened, and I got angry.” His face showed signs of being tired, even though it was still early morning. “Out of the blue, I got an email from him asking to meet me when I got to Socorro on my vacation. Turns out he finally got ahold of Matt. He wanted to tell me something.
“When I got in from the flight, I decided to drive by his mom’s house to see if he was home.” Justin paused for a moment. How far was he going to go with this tale? “Turn’s out, he was going to marry this Sarah girl. He wanted to tell me he was going to marry her.”
“Oh shit.” Jason said silently, but loud enough for Justin to hear.
“Yea.” Justin laughed. “I didn’t stop to see him, and went home.”
He continued the story from there, and explained how he had found out that Sarah and Nate had been sleeping prior to their first time, and that he was trying to find out who he was. How he was enraged by this, and decided to hurt Nate as much as he hurt him. That he had decided to dress in similar clothes to their first date, and wear the same cologne.
Jason really wanted to hug Justin. He wanted to hold him and tell him things were going to be okay.
“Matt told me it was a bad idea, but I ignored him, and went ahead with my plan.” Justin started to laugh. “It went as bad as I had hoped. I went out to my favorite spot in the mountains to think. Matt showed up, and we got into a fight.” He pointed to his eye. “That’s how that happened.”
“I wondered, but decided not to ask.” Jason laughed.
“Don’t worry I got him in the jaw.” Justin laughed as well. “After that I went home, and thought back to Cody, that was Grayson's boyfriend.” He didn’t want to explain that part yet. “He had come over during high school and wanted to confess that he had been contemplating his sexuality. He had a lovely girlfriend, Connie, but he wanted to explore these other feelings. Told him we had to follow our heart, no matter what.”
Jason nodded. He understood that part as he had to struggle with that. It’s what brought him here to Justin after all.
“So I decided I had to beg forgiveness from Nate, went back over and we made up.” He wouldn’t tell Jason how they had made up. “I had a lot of anger built up. I am not sure if we can be friends like we once were, but I know that we are good.” Justin took a deep breath. “I am at peace with that now. And all it cost me was self respect and a shiner.”
Jason picked up Justin’s hand and kissed the back of it. “And you look very mannly with it.”