Challenges

Part XXII

***Modern Day***

Justin pulled the RZR to a stop at the top of the hill they were climbing, which has a couple of trees on the top and shade. The sun was getting warm now, and he thought this was a good place to stop and rest.

Getting out, he pulled the two camping chairs out along with the cooler which had some turkey wraps and water in it. Jason followed him to the trees, and helped set up the two chairs. They sat in silence as they ate their wraps.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Justin broke the silence.

“Sure.”

Justin leaned back into the chair and looked up at the tree. “Have you ever accepted yourself?””

“What do you mean?”

“Like,” Justin struggled to find the wording that didn’t sound cliche. “Have you come to terms with your sexuality?”

“I think so.” Jason responded, but with a slight hesitation. “I mean, I am not suicidal, or depressed over it.”

Justin sat up straight. “Can you look yourself in the mirror?”

“Do you mean if I love myself?” Jason asked timidly.

“Yes.” Justin just looked down at his hands.

“I do.” Jason sat back in his chair. His eyes were closed. “It wasn’t easy.”

There was silence again. The wind blew through the branches and the air was warm. Justin had a memory of returning to his childhood and his time spent out here with Matt.

“After I came out to my mom, I felt so much better. She was okay with it, but I know she was a bit hurt.” Jason reached over and picked up a twig that was lying on the ground. He started to pick the bark off. “I think she was more disappointed that I would not be able to give her grandkids. She always talked about them.”

Justin thought back to the conversation he had with Lily.

“But she was happy and supportive. I ended up getting a boyfriend, nothing too serious, and it seemed okay. It was a bit strained as I was too ashamed to be seen in public, and he wanted to be out and about.” Jason stopped picking the bark off the twig and looked at it closely. Trying to focus his attention away from the story itself. “After we broke up, I decided not to date till college. There I found another guy, but he was abusive.”

“I am so sorry.” Justin reached his hand out and grabbed Jason’s leg. How could anyone be cruel?

“Sad part is it took me a long time to realize what trap I was in.” Justin just nodded. “I wasn’t ready for sex, but he convinced me otherwise. After it was said and done I ended it. I didn’t want to be pressured into it anymore.” He threw the stick down. “After that I went into a depression, thinking maybe everyone was right and being gay was wrong. Maybe I should just be celebate, or find a girl I could at least have some emotional connection with.”

“I ended up getting a therapist and she helped me work my way through it all.” Jason smiled. “She really did help me through everything, and helped me realize that I was important, and that I should be happy with myself first. Love myself.” He started to laugh. “Man, she was crazy.”

Justin thought about getting therapy, but he was always too embarrassed by it. The idea that he might be crazy always snuck in. He knew that was wrong thinking, but he could never get over it, or get it out of his head.

“Funny.” Justin looked at Jason with a raised eyebrow. “The therapist used the same turn of phrase: Can you look at yourself in the mirror.”

“What was her name?” Justin couldn't believe that it was the same person.

“Um…” Jason thought for a bit. “Doctor Bartlett...Barson...Bar… It was Bar something.”

“Lily Barnum?” Justin asked with a bit of hesitancy.

“Yea!” Jason snapped his finger. “Dr. Barnum. How could I forget that name.”

“I know her.” Justin felt  daze come over him.

***13 Years Ago***

Junior year of high school flew by quickly, but even more importantly, with the end of the school year, Matt would be coming home in a week. Justin could not wait. He missed the support that his brother could give him, and the ability to have conversations on a frequent basis.

Lori also got to come home from college, and he would have her around a bit more as well. She was a big sister to him and one of the few people that he could talk to without feeling judgement or scared that he would say something wrong or stupid.

Justin was normally helping his dad during the summer, but this year he was taking more time to get prepped for college. He wanted to get as many scholarships as he could, so he was busy applying for all the ones he could. This meant essay writing, and application filling. He also needed to apply to some colleges to see where he could go.

Both Nate and he had decided they were going to try to go to the same college together. So, they were applying to schools that both of them would attend, and could afford to attend with or without scholarships.

A knock at the door took Justin out of one of his essays he was working on. Both his parents were gone to the store or something, so he was alone. Getting up he looked out the front window and saw the familiar car.

He sprinted the rest of the way to the door, flew it open. “Lori!”

“Hey handsome!” Lori said excitedly and reached in and gave him a big hug. “I missed you kid.”

“Missed you too.” Justin didn’t want to let go. “Mom and dad are in town, but they will be back soon.”

“No problem.” Lori smiled. Justin stepped to the side to let her enter. “I wanted to talk to you actually.”

“Oh?” Justin stretched an arm out towards the kitchen where he was working. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No thank you.” She giggled. “Why does everyone offer beverages when they have a guest over?”

Justin thought for a moment. It was true. No matter whom he was visiting, they always offered a beverage. “Makes things less awkward?”

“Maybe.” Lori sat down at the table and picked up one of the applications.  “Eww.”

“I want to get as much help as I can to pay for college.” He sat down and looked at Lori. “So what is up?”

“How are you doing kiddo?” She asked, grabbing his hand. “How are things with you?”

“I am good.” he looked at the applications. “A bit overwhelmed, but it will be worth it I am sure.”

“How was your school year?” She didn’t let him ask the appropriate, ‘and-how-are-you’ response.

“Good.” Justin shifted in his chair. She was grilling him. “Got all A’s except in math. Got a B there.”

“And Nate?”  She asked again with a general sense of anxiety in her voice. “How is he doing? How are you two fairing?”

“Good.” Justin turned his head sideways. “What is up Lori?’

“I am worried.” She said, standing up and she started to pace the room.

“About?” Justin leaned back in the chair.

“Matt.” She said stopping, looking out the window, and then pacing again.

“Why are you worried about Matt?” Secretly he was worried as well. The last few months of letters he had received from him had been more and more hostile about his mission that he was serving.

“In his last letter he said when he gets home we need to have a serious conversation.” She sighed and sat down, but was still figgity. “Do you know what it's about?”

“He hasn’t mentioned anything to me.” Justin pondered for a moment. Should he tell her about how he became unhappy with his mission? Better not. She is already agitated as it was.

“I don’t know.” she slumped back, sighed and sat up straight. “I am sorry.” She winced. “I should not have put this on you.”

“Don’t worry.” Justin reached his hand across the table. “You are a sister to me. I love you, and after all the shit I put on you, it is time I give back to you.”

She squeezed his hand. “You are the best.” She sighed hard again. “Do you think he will end it? It has been two years. Maybe he has lost interest in me?”

“I doubt it.” Justin knew it was common for the girl to not wait, but for the guy to not wait. Who could he have met when he was constantly surrounded by other missionaries and following strict protocols.

“Why didn’t he just wait till he got home to tell me we had to have this talk.” She thumbed the table. “I mean, this is driving me insane.”

“Probably why he did it.” Justin laughed. “You know he likes to draw things out as long as he can, and with him in California and you here, that is easier to do.” Justin got up and walked over to give Lori a hug. “Maybe he just wants to ask you to marry him.”

“Naw.” She said with a nervous laugh. “He said he didn’t want to get married till after we got out of college.” She took a deep breath in. “I am just over reacting.”

“Yea.” Justin again thought back to the letters. Of course, how could his mission have impacted his love for Lori? More so, how could his dissatisfaction impact his relationship? After all, Lori was not a member of the Church.

“Hey!” Lori said, suddenly causing Justin to jump. “Let’s go get a nice cold drink. My treat!”

“Sure!”

He grabbed a piece of paper and  wrote a quick note letting his mom know where he was, and stuck it to the fridge.

***

Justin’s dad was driving down the interstate towards Albuquerque to pick up Matt from the airport. His mom was in the passenger seat, Lori was behind his dad, and he was sitting behind his mom.

Even though Lori said she was doing okay, he could tell she was still nervous about meeting Matt. She couldn’t stop playing with her nails. Justin reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. They were not free to talk as their parents were in the front seat. She looked over and gave him a smile.

They rode almost the entire way up in silence. It was as if everyone knew something had happened on the mission, and what should have been a joyous occasion was overshadowed by that. Usually Justin’s mom was talking about how nice it would be to have a return missionary in the family. Of course this was a jab to the fact that Justin wouldn’t be going on his own.

To make the situation even more ominous, dark clouds were starting to gather on the horizon. Usually Justin loved the rain, but this just seemed too depressing. It was as if something horrible was about to happen, and the fates were making sure everyone knew it.

***

They arrived at the airport just as a few rain droplets started to fall from the sky. Justin’s dad maneuvered the vehicle to the car garage. They sat in the vehicle, again without talking. It was a surreal moment. Everything had been building up to this moment, and it seemed to be more of a let down.

“His plane should be landing any time now.” His dad opened the door and got out. His mother also got out. Justin reached for the door handle, but noticed Lori hadn’t moved.

“Are you okay?” Justin asked quietly, for fear of causing all the peace they were having to disappear.

“Yea.” She said quietly back. “I am good.” She grabbed the handle to the door, and climbed out as well.

They quickly made their way to the gate where Justin’s plan was to land. It was delayed by 15 minutes. They took seats facing towards the runway so they could see the plane taxi in.

Justin looked around the airport and watched the various people go by. He wondered what the backstore to each of them was, and what secrets they held deep down. What secrets would make their loved ones hate them, or their enemies love them. He wondered how many of them could look at themselves in the mirror.

***

The plane finally arrived and taxied to the gate. Justin and his family stood a bit away from the gate and watched as the people excited. Everytime another person excited the gangway he had his heart jump, hoping it was his brother.

Slowly the number of people exiting had fallen to the stragglers. Where was Matt? Justin started to feel his heart race. Maybe he missed his flight.

Finally, Matt appeared, pulling a small suitcase behind him.

“Matt!” Justin cried out, and ran to his brother and gave him a big hug.

“Hey kid.” Justin returned the hug. Justin felt like his world might return to some normality after the chaos that was the last year. He now had someone to talk to again.

Matt pulled himself out of his hug and looked at Justin. “Man,” he said with a smile. “You have grown. You are killing it! I bet all the guys at school are running after you!”

Justin blushed, but was aware that his mother had come up behind them.

“Already?” She said with a frown, but still gave him a hug. She whispered something in his ear.

“Good.” Matt said in response. He wasn’t sure what his mother told him, but apparently Matt agreed with it.

Next his father came up and gave him a big hug. “Son.” was all he said.

‘Dad.” Matt returned the hug. They stayed like that for an unusual long time. His dad was not a hugger, but this was unique. “Thanks.” Matt said as they separated.

Lori lagged back. Justin thought out of all them she would have been second in line to give Matt a hug, and to welcome him home. They had not seen each other for two years. Justin could tell that she was nervous, and not sure what to make of everything. It wasn’t as if she wasn’t used to the idea of Matt on a mission, it had been what he had talked about since they were together. He always wanted to make sure she was okay with it. Two years was a long time.

Matt walked up to Lori. He looked like a little kid about to ask the girl out for the first time.

“Hey Lori.” Matt said with a bashful tone. Justin imagined this is what it was like when he first asked her out all those years ago. He had to push hard to not giggle.

“Matt.” she responded, looking down at her hands. “I missed you.”

“So,” Matt mumbled something that Justin could not hear, but Lori smiled at him. She nodded her head yes. He embraced her and gave her the most passionate kiss he had ever seen him give. In the back of his mind he felt a twinge of pain, and regret.

***

On the drive back to Socorro, Justin felt suffocated. He was questioning everything that made him happy. He played all the conversations he had with his mom over and over in his head. He kept going back to the same idea: maybe being in a same-sex relationship could never make him as happy as he could be.

At least he was sitting in the back of the Suburban where he could be in his own world. Matt and Lori were sitting in the middle seat talking with his parents about his mission, the things he got to experience, and how he had benefited from that experience.

“Are you okay?” Matt had turned around, and interrupted Justin’s thoughts.

“Yea.” Justin said, not sure he even convinced himself. “I am just really tired. I didn’t get to sleep till 3 this morning in anticipation of you getting home!” He had been up till 3 in excitement. And he was tired. But it was more a combination of self distrust, self loathing, and a bit of jealousy sprinkled in for good measure.

Matt gave him a stern look. He was not convinced, but he wasn’t going to challenge it in front of his parents. They would have time to talk when they got home.

***

After they got back to the house, they all moved into the living room to continue the discussion. Justin wanted to go to bed.

“I am so happy that you are home Matt.” Justin said, giving him another hug. “But I am really tired and I think I am going to go take a nap.”

Justin walked up the stairs, and with each step he felt his chest get heavier and heavier.

Once in his room, he kicked off his shoes and laid down in bed. He rolled over and looked out the window. The dogs were running around in the field outside. Did dogs have the same heart ache and troubles that humans had? Did they understand the concept of loneliness and despair? Justin wasn’t alone. He had his friends, and of course he had Nate. Nate was wonderful and caring. But was it enough? Was his mom right?

A knock at his door interrupted his thought. He wanted sleep.

Another knock. “Hey bud, can I come in?” it was Matt on the other side.

“Yea.” He never could tell Matt no.

“Are you okay?” Matt closed the door and walked over to sit on the bed next to Justin. He reached out and rubbed his arm. Justin was still turned away.

“Yea.” Justin responded. “I am just tired. I am sorry I am not energetic for your homecoming.”

“To be honest,” Matt responded with a bit of a sigh, “I am not sure it is much of a homecoming.”

Justin rolled over. Matt had changed into a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top. Justin blinked a couple of times. This was unusual for Matt to wear a tank top, especially since he was just home from a mission. Normally it was frowned upon to wear clothing that did not cover up the garments (special under clothing that is given to members as a sign of their commitment to the Church and to signify that they had been through the temple), unless they were doing something like working out. But Justin wasn’t wearing any garments.

“Matt…” Justin started to say but was cut off from asking the question.

“This is about you.” Matt motioned for Justin to move over, and he laid down next to him.

“I am okay.” Justin stammered out. “Honest.”

“You seemed to be lost. You know I am here for you right?”

“I saw you kiss Lori with passion, and I wonder if I will ever have that passion. I wonder if I will ever find that happiness. I wonder if mom is correct and to be happy I have to find a woman.”

Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Lori is the best thing that ever happened to me. I knew from the beginning that she was the one. When I touch her there is a spark of electricity that ignites my soul, and it stops time. It's as if we were the only ones in the world, and the joy it brings me. I just know. And you don’t need a woman to be happy Justin. You can be happy with just yourself. Be happy with Nate. Be happy with whomever it is that you are with.” He rolled over and grabbed Justin's hand and squeezed. “Find that spark.”

***

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Matt