Challenges

Part XXIII

***Modern Day***

Justin pulled the RZR behind the house. His dad came out the back door as Justin and Jason got out.

“Have fun?” His dad looked at the RZR and then the two men standing next to it.

“Yes.” Justin laughed. “I think I gave Jason a heart attack a few times.”

“When you fly off a cliff and a hill like that!” Jason retorted but laughed as well. “It was awesome. Thanks for letting us borrow this Mr. Leary.”

“No problem.” he smiled.

“Want us to wash and put it up?” Justin asked, looking at the mud on the side of the vehicle.

“No.” His dad looked at it. “I think I will go out later this afternoon, when the sun goes down. See if your mom wants to go.” He started to head back to the house. “What are you two up to next?”

“We are heading back to Albuquerque.” Justin grabbed the cooler out of the RZR and took Jason’s hand with his other and followed his dad into the house. “I will stay one more night there and then be back tomorrow afternoon.”

“Are you coming back with him?” his dad looked at Jason.

“No.” Jason blushed. “Work starts up again tomorrow, and I will be on a plane back to Seattle.”

“Oh.” His father seemed sad at this.

They entered the house, and Justin took the cooler to the kitchen. He took the empty trash out and threw it away and put the ice packs back in the freezer. Jason sat at the table watching him move about. Justin took the cooler into the adjoining garage and put it in on the shelf for storage.

He started to head back to the kitchen when his phone rang.

“Hey!.” He answered it with a smile.

“Wanted to check in and make sure you are still alive.” It was Shannon.

“Girl,” Justin smiled, “I have been on a date that was supposed to be a quick dinner, but has turned into three days. We are at my parents house now.”

“Wow.” she laughed. “At your parents huh? Bet your mom loved that.”

“She didn’t.” Justin just shrugged. “But it is what it is. We went out on the RZR and we are about to head back to Albuquerque. He has to head back to Seattle tomorrow.”

“Okay.” she said with a giggle. “You are going to have to fill me in. I will let you go, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. Enjoy!”

“Bye.” he chuckled as he hung up the phone.

Walking back into the kitchen he was shocked to find that his dad was hugging Jason.

“Did I miss something?” Justin asked, walking in with a bit of hesitation.

“Oh,” Jason pulled away from Justin’s dad, and wiped a tear from his eye. “We were just having a conversation.”

Justin's dad nodded, and moved to give Justin a hug. “I love you son.”

“I love you too, dad.” Justin returned the hug. He could not remember the last time his father showed him this affection. His father had been as supportive as he could be, and he knew his father had a hard time showing emotion, so this was a big surprise.

“Okay,” he pulled back. It looked like he had tears forming in his eyes. “You boys have a safe drive back. And I will see you tomorrow.” With that he walked out the kitchen.

Justin just stood watching his father leave. He wasn’t sure how to react. He turned slowly back to Jason who was just grinning. “That was… odd.”

“Your dad is a good guy.” Jason said, walking over and grabbed both of Justin’s hands. “He really does love you.’

“I know.” Justin pulled Jason in for a big hug. “I love you.” As he pulled Jason in close he felt that spark of electricity run through his body. It made his hair stand on end. The world stopped and there was no one else in the world at that moment in time.

It was just him and Jason.

***13 years ago***

Senior year was right around the corner, and so were plans for Matt and Lori’s wedding day. Shortly after returning from his mission Matt had asked Lori to marry him, which she happily agreed to. This of course was no big surprise, and now all his mom could talk about was the wedding and how she was finally going to get some grandchildren.

They had decided on a September wedding, as it would start to cool down during the day and they could have it outside. It wasn’t completely ideal as they wouldn’t be able to get away for a honeymoon due to college classes, but they wanted to have it anyway. They could find time to get away later.

For the next month, Justin and Matt had almost been virtually inseparable, spending every day together. Justin felt bad that he had been neglecting Nate so much, but Nate told him it was okay. After all, he got to enjoy Justin for two years while Matt was away. He could hold off for a couple of weeks.

Since Matt had been home, Justin had found something odd about him. For one, he never went to Church. He went back the first Sunday he got home, and Justin actually went. He wanted to be with Matt. However, it was awkward, and once the Sacrament Meeting (the main meeting) was over, he left. He didn’t feel like fielding 100 questions from nosey people. But every Sunday after Matt said he wanted to spend the alone time with Justin.

The second odd thing that Justin quickly discovered was that Matt was definitely not wearing his garments. That was a big deal to Mormons and to not wear them was a sign of something wrong, and a loss of faith.

It was the Sunday before school started and once again Matt had stayed home. They were both sitting in the living room. Justin was reading a book and Matt was watching a swim competition.

“You should be watching this.” Matt said with a chuckle. “These guys are something to watch.”

Justin looked up just as a race was about to begin. “Nothing to really see.”

They both laughed. It was good having Matt home.

“Matt?”

“What’s up kiddo?” Matt hit the mute button on the TV.

“What happened on your mission?” Justin put the bookmark in his book and laid it on the arm rest of the coach. “We never talked about it.”

Matt sucked in air between his teeth.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.” Justin said quickly, seeing Matt squirm made him uncomfortable.

“No.” Matt said with a soft smile, but his eyes showed some kind of pain. “It’s okay. I already told Lori what happened.” He went quiet for a while. “Everyone always said that a mission would be the greatest thing in my life. It must be right? After all, when a returning missionary is in his 60s and giving a talk at Church, that is all they ever talk about.”

Justin nodded. It was one of the things that always struck him as odd. It was as if the only thing significant to happen in a person's life happened when they were on a mission. Shouldn’t things happen at other points in their life? It's like the high school jock who reached the peak of their life in high school sports, and that's all they live for now.

“Don’t get me wrong.” Matt continued. His eyes were lost in memory. “The start was great. I had good companions, and I was having a blast. Meeting people, getting to know new customs and cultures. Getting to interact with people and being truly committed to community service was great. I finally understood what everyone talked about.” His face went from bright to dark. “That changed back in March of last year. I got a new companion. Name was Eddie Martinez. Nice guy. He was from Georgia, accent and all.”

“Anyway, shortly after he arrived, I started to notice he was conflicted over something. Something was not sitting right with him, and he always seemed to be apprehensive about anything we did together.” Matt rolled his fingers along an imaginary pattern on the chair. Justin knew what Matt was talking about. Missionary companions were together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The only alone time they got was when they were in the bathroom or shower. “I have had standoffish companions, but this was different. He would get really excited about something, and it would seem we would get close, but he would then get this look on his face, and pull back and it seems we would have to start over again.”

Matt sighed and leaned his head back looking at the ceiling. “So I asked him one day what was wrong. He said nothing, but I told him there had to be. I told him what I had noticed and I wanted to make sure I was not doing anything wrong.” Matt looked back at Justin and he had tears in his eyes. “He finally broke down and started to cry. He told me that his parents had forced him on this mission as a corrective measure. To cure him and make him see the love of God.”

Justin’s stomach did a flip. He knew exactly where this was going.

“He said he had admitted to his same-sex attraction to his bishop, who told his parents, and that caused a big uproar. They pulled him out of school, home schooled him, cut him off from all his friends, and took him to see a conversion ‘therapist.’” He put the therapist in air quotes. “When he turned 18, they told him he had to go on a mission or they would cut him off. He told me that he had hoped that this would help cure him, but it only made things worse. The reason he was acting the way he did was that he found me attractive, and every time he found himself getting closer to me, he pulled back.” He wiped a tear from his eye and looked Justin straight in the eye.  “I know mom was hard on you, but damn. How could you do that to a kid? Your own kid?”

Justin nodded. His mom could have gone down that road easily. She tried to in fact, but lucky for him she didn’t. Or at least dad had not let her do that. Maybe that was the difference. His dad took a stand for him, where Matt’s companion was all alone.

“Was that who the letter was for?” Justin asked timidly.

“No.” Matt shook his head. “I wasn’t sure what to do for Eddie. He was lost on a different path. Who do you turn to on a mission for assistance in these situations? You have no resources and you cannot exactly go to the Mission President with this. Hell, having feelings for your companion? They would have sent him home in the blink of an eye.” Matt stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and regained control of himself.

“It’s okay Matt.” Justin said quietly. “You don’t have to finish if you don’t want to.”

“No. It’s okay.” Matt smiled, “I need to get this off my chest, and to someone who understands.” Justin nodded and let Matt continue.  “I told him it was okay, and that I understood. He was terrified I would report him to the Mission President, or worse beat him up. I told him I had a brother that was gay and that I sorta understood what he was going through. I explained how mom treated you, but dad seemed to have your back.” Matt swallowed hard. “So I hugged him. I didn’t know what else to do. I found myself hugging him, and telling him that everything would be okay.”

“You are the best.” Justin said with a smile. “He was so lucky he found you.”

“Maybe not.” Matt said with a frown. “We ended up hugging for a while, and he eventually stopped crying. I…” Matt started to talk but stopped. “I told Lori all of this. That is what I had to talk to her about. I wanted to be open with her about all of this.”

“You…” Justin started, but didn’t finish his sentence.

“After he stopped crying, he thanked me for being so understanding.” Matt’s eyes had a weird glint in them. “He looked so sad, and vulnerable. He looked like he was alone in the world, with no one to care about him in the world. I don’t know why I did it, but I kissed him!” Matt blushed. “I don’t know why I did it. It just felt like the right thing to do. Once I realized what I had done, I apologized, telling him I was making things worse.”

“I didn’t know you had those types of feelings.” Justin said, not sure what to say.

“I don’t.” Matt said, seeming flustered in himself. “I just felt that he needed to know that I loved him no matter what. He seemed to understand that, and said it was fine. He was grateful that I understood him, and was willing to love him no matter what.”

“It was just a kiss.” Justin said with a nervous laugh. “I have kissed Kimberly before.”

“If only that was it.” Matt said. “Things were going good, and Eddie was comfortable with me after that. He was more open, and willing to get closer. He didn’t feel embarrassed about his feelings, which was good. Several weeks later we were getting ready for bed, and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I asked what he was doing, but he just hugged me tight. He said he was grateful that I was his companion, and that it helped him find his way.” Matt looked at Justin. Justin was sitting on the edge of his seat. “After he let me go he sat on the edge of his bed and I sat on mine. We just looked at each other. I honestly can’t tell you what I was thinking, but it was there. I asked if he wanted to sleep in my bed that night.”

“Did he?”

“Yes.” Matt said silently. “For the rest of the time we were companions, we shared a bed.”

“Holy…” Justin was shocked and amazed. His own brother with another man. “Did you two…”

“No.” Matt said. “We never went that far. I suppose we did what you and Nate do. We got to the edge, but never jumped off. Honestly I think he wanted the physical touch that he had not had in a long time.” Matt shook his head. “Of course, six months later they changed our companions. We still saw each other at missionary functions that we had to go to, and we got to catch up there. About a month after changing he pulled me aside and told me he was going back home. He had to live his life and be himself. He thanked me for all I had done for him. We still wrote to each other of course.”

“What happened when he got home?” Justin was afraid to ask but had to know.

“His parents wouldn’t let him move back in with them, and basically cut him off.” Matt scrowled his face. “He found a place to crash, and had money saved up that was to be used for his mission, but now he had to get his life started. Told him to let me know if there was anything I could do to let me know.”

“What did Lori say?”

“She kissed me and said that is why she loved me.” Matt smiled. “She understood, and said I did it because he needed that connection, and I was there to give it.” Matt paused and seemed to want to say something else, but he didn’t.

“I invited him to the wedding.” Matt said, breaking the silence. “I think he needs to get away from his situation.Actually he will be staying here with us. Told mom he was a former companion of mine.”

“Is he staying in your room?” Justin jabbed.

“No.” Matt said with a frown.

“So how did this make you question everything?”

“I suppose it made me question everything that I had been taught on so many levels. I mean, I love you Justin and accept you for you, but I don’t think I actually accepted you, you.” Matt started to tear up again. “I think in the back of my mind you were making an active choice. But now…” He trailed off. “We are supposed to love, not hate. This was pure hate in the disguises of love. I mean mom gives you a hard time, but I don’t ever see her kicking you out and cutting you off. Hell, she lets you and Nate hang out now.” Matt stood up and stretched his back a bit. “Plus, I am straight. I know who I am, but I still had feelings for Eddie. How can that be? I love him, and want to be with him. I love Lori, and I want to be with her. So I started to question everything.”

Matt walked out of the room, leaving Justin sitting in silence.

***

Thank you for reading.

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Thank you,

Matt