Challenges

Part XXIX

***13 years ago***

Finally the day that Justin had been waiting for had arrived: graduation. It was a bittersweet moment as he put his tie on.

“Are you okay?” Matt asked, walking in holding a fresh pressed blue graduation gown.

“Yea.” Justin said, trying to get his tie knot just right. “Just wondering where things go from here.”

Matt laid the gown on the edge of the bed, making sure not to cause any wrinkles.

“Lori would kill me if I got this wrinkled again.” Mat laughed.

“She spoils us.” Justin looked at the gown.

“Of course she does.” Matt moved over and fixed a fold on the knot. “We are the best.”

“I am glad you are here.” Justin hugged Matt.

“Me too.”

***

Graduation was always held on the football field. Justin was nervous as he marched down the small hill to the field, and took his place in alphabetical order. On the side were the teachers dressed in their black gowns and wearing various colors of hoods to show their advanced degrees.

Most of the graduation was a blur, from the speech, to the singing, to the actual walking across the stage. He felt that it went by much faster than it was supposed to. He felt like time had sped up just to get him out of this place, and to end this chapter of his life.

They had all agreed to meet at the end of the field for a group photo as friends before leaving. Justin started to walk towards the area, not sure how he felt.

“Are you okay?” Lily asked, taking a stride beside him.

“Yea.” Justin said not sounding convincing even to himself.

“Worried that we will all go our separate ways?” she asked, looking at him intently.

“Yeah.” Justin said with a sad tone in his voice. “We have, for the most part, been together for a long time.”

“Well,” Lily said with a chuckle, “I hate to say this, but we will.”

Justin stopped walking. “Why do you say that?”

“Not something you wanted to hear?” She stopped as well.

“I figured you would say something more meaningful and cheerful.” Justin shook his head. “That is downright depressing.”

“Things will be alright!” She said with a cheerful voice and a smile.

“That didn’t help.” Justin started to walk again towards the spot they had designated. Nate, Grayson, Kimberly, Neil, and his parents were already there waiting. He saw Cody running up from the stands and Scott coming from a group of other guys saying goodbye too.

“Look,” she grabbed his arm again to stop him before they got too close to the group. “We will come together again. We made that promise at the campsite, remember?” She looked back at their friends laughing and having a good time. “But it will be a time when we are going to have to go our separate ways.”

Justin felt a pull on his chest, as if he were going to cry. He knew she was right. He saw it happen to Matt and some of his friends. They pulled away all at various times.

“Some of us will be pulled away by force,” she was still looking at the group as she talked, “and others it will be a conscious choice.”

Justin looked at Lily with his eyes squirting, not sure if it was the sun or if he just wasn’t sure what she was getting at.

“Why are you always so prophetic?” He asked finally.

“It’s a curse.” She smiled and started to walk again. “We all have them. Even you.”

***Modern Day***

Justin was holding the picture they had taken at graduation. Lily was an odd person but she was correct. Things would not hold and they all went their separate ways, some by choice, others by force.

He ran his finger across the faces of his old friends, remembering each one fondly. Mark had gone back to Russia with Stephanie, and they ended up getting married. Unfortunately they were not able to return to the United States for their yearly meetings.

He paused at the face of Nate. He looked so handsome and young. He could feel why he was attracted to him. He ran off after their first year in college, so he didn’t return. Everyone else in the picture returned every year for their camping trip.

He stopped at the face of Grayson and Cody. That was until the final year of Cody’s life. Lily was correct that some would leave without consent. Cody was the first. His cancer returned with vengeance. Everyone rallied around him, and gave him the best support they could. Gave Grayson the best support they could. Everyone returned, except Nate, to the funeral. Even Mark and Stepahine were able to attend.

But then things started to fall apart. The following year, Scott was killed by a drunk driver, and so they had to bury another friend. Another friend that was forced to leave them. Grayson had a hard time and so he was the next to disappear into the shadows. He tried his best to stay in contact with Mark, but the letters slowly stopped returning. Even though Lily was the one that foresaw this happening, even she fell victim to the separation. After she graduated with her degree, she stopped responding. Maybe she foresaw that as well.

Finally, Neil and Kimberly broke up but remained friends, and he was able to stay in contact with him. That was until Kimberly married the Senator and Neil stopped talking to Kimberly, he also stopped talking to Justin.

Of course, maybe things were coming back together? Grayson was working for Matt, he had some communication with Nate, and Neil was in contact with Kimberly. Maybe he should reach out to Lily as well.

Justin put the photo in his suitcase that he was packing for his trip back to Seattle. He would go spend the last night with Matt, and then head out for his flight in the morning.

He heard a car drive up outside, and looked out the window. It was his parents returning from Church. Even with the events of the previous night, his mom still was instant on going to Church.

Zipping up the suitcase, he pulled his laptop bag around his shoulder and headed out the bedroom door. He had decided he would head out early, but he had to have one more conversation with his mother.

He made his way downstairs and put his bag near the front door and returned to the living room and took a seat on the couch. He wasn’t sure how this conversation was going to go, but he had to have it before he left.

The door opened and closed and he could hear his parents talking about something. His mom stepped into the living room and blinked.

“Are you leaving already?” She asked.

“In a bit.” Justin rubbed his hands together. Might as well get it over with. “Mom, can we talk?”

His dad nodded his head and walked off to get changed out of his Sunday clothes.

“Yes.” She walked in and sat on the couch next to him. “What’s going on?”

“Mom, why do you hate me?” Justin wasn’t sure how else to frame the question.

His mother sighed. “I don’t hate you Justin. I love you. You are one of my kids.”

“Then why do you treat me like I am a stain on your life? That I embarrass you, or that I infect everyone around me.”

“Because I do love you.” She said with some form a plea in her voice. “I love you, and I want you to find happiness. It isn’t you that I am upset with, I am upset with the choices you have made. You have influenced so many people around you.”

“It’s not the flu mom.” Justin sighed. He was not going to get into this argument. “I am gay. I like guys. It is who I am.”

“It’s not who God wants you to be.” His mother retorted.

“It is who he wants me to be.” He stood up and walked around the coffee table and turned to face his mom. “I am that person. And I think Jason is who I am to be with. We just met, so I don’t know. From him being the person I wrote a letter to, to him actually having his therapist, one of my old friends, to being on that plane?” He spread his hands out. “How cosmic is that?”

“But you are not truly happy.” She lowered her head. “You can never know true happiness until you admit that you need a woman in your life.”

“That's the thing mom.” Justin couldn’t help but laugh. “I wasn’t happy. I actually believed that I couldn’t be happy with a guy! I tried with Nate, and I tried with other guys. I even started to think maybe you were right.” He put his hand on his head. “Then I met Jason, and things just clicked into place. LIke with Lori and Matt.”

She glanced up at him. That was a subject that he probably should not have brought up. “He is just as confused as you are. I am not sure how Lori can be okay with that. Sharing him?”

“Love is not an equation that has to be balanced.” He found himself using the same line that Lily used on him. “And there are some things that are involved with them that are very complex. You will have to talk to Matt and Lori about that. This is about me. I am who I am. I am going to try to love Jason, and who knows. Maybe one day, we will get married.”

“Two men cannot marry in the eyes of God.” His mother shot back.

“Then I will get married in the eyes of man.” Justin shrugged. “It doesn't matter to me. I am actually happy. I actually like myself now.” He looked at the mirror that was hung behind the love seat. “I can actually look myself in the mirror now.” He smiled. He could focus on his eyes without the feelings of shame and disgust that usually followed.

His mother remained silent.

“Can you accept that?” Justin turned his attention back to his mom.

She sat silent for a few moments. He wasn’t even sure if his mother heard him or wanted to answer it.

“What you are doing is wrong.” she finally responded. “I cannot support you, and I will always fight for you to be put back on the right path.”

Justin nodded his head. “And that I can live with.” He turned to walk out of the living room but stopped and turned around. “I think it's best if I don't come back for some time. I need to think of my own mental health and work on myself, and try to make this work with Jason without outside influence..” He scratched his head as if he was agitated. “I love you mom, but I cannot...I will not let my head be put into that dark place once again.”

He didn’t wait for a response, but just walked to the front door and grabbed his computer bag and luggage. He reached for the door but stopped and looked one more time in the mirror.

For the first time, he felt free to embrace himself. To finally love himself for who he was.

***End***

Authors Note:

When I started this story several years ago, I had a plan for where it was going to go. Sadly, as stated in the first portion, life took over and I never did. I even lost sight of where this was going. I revamped some of it after returning to it, and got it back on track.

This is a bitter sweet moment as this story is done with. At the time I am uploading this story, I am not planning to return to Justin’s life, but who knows. Maybe I will. At the moment I am returning to another one of my stories and will be uploading that soon as well. It is a fantasy story, so a different stream then this one.

If you would like to get updates on that story let me know and I will add you to the mailing list. Thank you so much for reading this journey of self discovery.

Again, comments can be sent to sockingsaw@hotmail.com.

And if you can please donate to Nifty.

See you around,

Matt