Date: Thu, 26 Dec 2002 13:20:55 EST
From: JuilianJ@aol.com
Subject: heart and soul gay interacial part 2

HEART and SOUL
BY: Julien

This story is 100% fictional and does not depict the life of any person,
place or thing.  This story is of a sexual nature and involves sexual
activity among males, therefore, read at your own risk.  You should be 18+
and it should be legal for you to read this story in your city, state or
country.  ENJOY!

	"What's this?"  He asked looking up at the nurse standing before
him.  She had handed him a manila envelope with the words CONFIDENTIAL
stamped on the front.  "I was just told to hand this to you Dr. Christy."
'Thanks."  As soon as she was out of sight he tore open the envelope and
read the contents.  Anger swelled within him and he pushed back his chair,
got up and went in search of his so-called friend.  Finding him in the
lounge by himself, he threw the envelope on the table.  "How could you do
this shit and then turn around and call yourself my friend?"  Simon
regarded the envelope and then looked up at Shane, no remorse or regret
present on his face.  "I did what I know was best Shane.  I'm not gonna
have them keep you on as a functioning MD when you're practically on the
verge of a breakdown."  "I told you I'm fine."  "You damn well know you're
not.  Your actions in the operating room last night proved my point.  You
endangered the life of a patient.  You broke the cardinal rule."  "He
pulled through alright."  "That's not the fucking point and you know it
Shane.  I don't want you working when you're like this.  What happened if
he didn't pull through?  We would have had a god damn lawsuit on our hands
and you my friend would had been before the review bored fighting to keep
your license.  Is that what you want?"  He knew he didn't but this was all
that was keeping him sane.  If he didn't work, he would have gone nuts a
long time ago.  "So you do the friendly thing and go to my superiors and
tell them I need to be relieved!  What gives you the damn right?"
"Everything Shane.  I love you and I'm not going to sit back and watch you
destroy your career like this.  I know you miss Roderick and I know it
hurts ok but you have to deal with this and you have to deal with it now."
And it was when he felt a pair of arms encircle and soothe him that he knew
that his friend was right.  He couldn't continue like this.  Pulling apart
from Simon he wiped his eyes and the tears that threatened to fall.  "Ok.
But don't take me out completely please.  Keep me on for something,
anything.  Please, I'm begging you Simon.  If I don't work I don't know how
I'll make it."  "Ok Shane, you compromise, I'll compromise.  Finish
treating this patient of yours and then we'll see what we can get you."
Shane thought for a moment.  Could he really do his job to the best of his
abilities knowing that his patient completely ruined his life?  He wanted
to tell Simon that he'd pass on it but change his mind.  If he couldn't do
this simple thing, what would keep Simon from convincing his superiors that
he needed an extended leave of absence?  "Ok, thanks Simon.  I really
appreciate this."  And with a knowing glance, his friend shook his head
thinking 'I know you do Shane, I just hope you appreciate it enough.'
	He could make out the familiar scratches on his face, that scowl
was still there even though he was asleep, Shane noticed something else,
the rugged look that seemed to do nothing but attract Shane to want to be
close to him, to help him, just like that first time.  But instead of
listening to his heart, he was determined to listen to his head.  This kid,
now a man was nothing but a thorn lodged in Shane's side and the sooner he
treated him, the sooner he could get rid of him.

"Wake up sleeping beauty.  Time for your medicine."  The youths' eyes
fluttered open and adjusted to the brightness of the room.  He didn't
remember much except that this wasn't where he was supposed to be.  This
place wasn't his territory and with that thought in mind, he tried to get
up.  What first struck him was that he felt an incredible pain surge
through his hip.  He cried out as it spread to the rest of his body.  "Hold
up, take it easy Anthony."  At the sound of his name he stopped and looked
in the direction of where the voice had originated.  He couldn't clearly
make out the figure that was before him but as his mind seemed to focus a
pair of cream hands came into view, then a white doctors' lab coat and then
a face.  At first it seemed as if he were in a dream, back in high school,
remembering but he knew that this was not a dream, he was not in high
school and this couldn't be who he thought it was.  "Where the fuck am I?"
Even the sound of his own voice sounded strange to him.  "You are at
Kinship Memorial Hospital in Manhattan."  "Say what?"  The man before him
didn't reply but instead stuck Anthony with something sharp that had him
out like a light again.

His head hurt and the room seemed to be spinning.  He tried to close his
eyes to slow down the effect but nothing helped.  He was upright now,
staring at the back of someone's head.  Something familiar about it struck
him but he shook away the thought.  He tried to bring everything into focus
but all his efforts managed to do was give him a headache.  Pieces of the
night before were coming back to him.  He remembered leaving his
grandmothers' home then walking a block and a half to the grocery store.
Everything after that seemed to be lost in a haze.  He knew for a fact that
he had been shot, that was pretty clear but what he didn't know was why or
by whom.  And contrary to popular belief he was not a thug or a gangbanger,
he didn't play that shit.  "Are you still feeling the pain?"  Without
looking at the face that accompanied the voice he responded, "What the fuck
do you think?"  There was no comeback for that and the voice as well as its
owner faded into oblivion.

"So what are you going to do?"  Shane shook his head and shrugged his
shoulder.  It wouldn't be an easy task breaking the news, especially with a
high-strung guy like him.  "I want to get the grandmother in here, maybe
she would be better off telling him.  Maybe that way he won't flip out."
"You could do that.  Poor kid though.  Just twenty five and already a
vegetable."  "He's not a vegetable Mary-Beth.  Being crippled is not the
end of the world."  "That's what you think doc.  With these kids today you
never know.  When my son broke his foot sophomore year I thought he would
die.  He just sat up in his room everyday staring out the window."  "Well
this kid is not like that.  He's not the type to just sit back and let his
life pass him by."  She stopped what she was doing and looked at him.  "You
know him?"  And without hesitation Shane responded with a no.  As far as he
was concerned, the kid was no more than another charge.  His days of
understanding the kids' mind and motivations were long gone leaving in its'
place questions that at one point in time he longed for the answers but not
anymore.  "You ok doc?"  Shane snapped out of his thoughts and grabbed his
patients' file, "Yeah I'm ok, just tired."  "Well you should get some
rest."  "I will."  And with that he was off in the direction of Anthonys'
room.

He was awake now and had his hands lodged firmly by his side.  His patent
scowl was still there but it somehow seemed staged to make him seem more
ferocious.  Shane could see through it and through to the vulnerability
underneath.  When he noticed Shane his face refused to display any sign of
acknowledgement, as if this was the first time that he were seeing this
man.  If that was the way he wanted to play it thought Shane, that was the
way they would play it.  Walking up to the bed, he stood over his charge
and flipped open the silver chart in his hands.  "You know why you're
here?"  There seemed no need for the customary shenanigans such as 'how are
you?' and 'good evening'.  "Yeah!"  His response seemed aggressive and
could have been considered threatening but being already familiar with the
kid, Shane knew what to expect.  "Well we're trying to locate your
grandmother and to get her in here as soon as possible.  That way I can
tell both of you what the situation is."  "She don't need to be knowing."
"I think maybe she does."  And the cliché phrase 'if looks could kill'
popped into Shane's' head as he felt the intensity of Anthonys' gaze.
"Fine, if you don't want to tell her don't but I don't see what difference
it's going to make."  He didn't respond but instead turned his face away
from Shane.  "You have a bullet in your spine, we couldn't remove it."
Still no response.  "You're paralyzed.  It might be temporary but we won't
know until..." and realizing that the kid had tuned him out, he snapped
shut the file and walked around to the other side of the bed.  "What the
hell is your problem?"  Still no answer.  "Well stay that way.  You want to
be a fucking vegetable, you're going about it the right way."  He didn't
need this shit.  And as he was about to walk away, the kid grabbed his hand
and in what he supposed was his humble approach asked him to finish what he
was saying.  "What?  You want me to finish what I was saying?  Why should I
waste my time?"  "Because!"  "Because what?"  "Because...I want to know
what's, what's wrong with me."  And it was if that edge he was trying to
hold unto slipped away.  And for the first time, Shane just saw his face as
is.  He knew he could have walked away and left the kid to himself, leaving
him to his guilt but no matter how much that thought had crossed his mind,
he knew that wasn't in him to hurt another human being.  "Ok but let's get
something straight.  I don't work for you.  I won't take shit from you and
I expect some degree of respect, got it?"  "Yeah."  "Good.  Now are you
ready to call your grandmother?"  He seemed to hesitate for a moment before
answering, "Yeah."

Top of Form Throughout his entire career as an MD and previously as a
counselor, he had never met a woman more dedicated to her grandson as this
woman.  She seemed to be able to bring to Shane's' as well as everyone
else's' face a smile that could power a city.  Her attitude was so positive
that Shane himself began doubting his own prognosis.  "I know you're doing
the best you can for my son but you can only do so much doc.  And I will be
praying to God for a little help for you."  I had smiled and thanked her.
"And I know that my baby can be a pain sometimes but I want you to know
that he wasn't always like that.  He used to be such a happy little boy,
before his ma passed on.  It was hard on him, my poor baby."  "What
happened?" I found myself asking.  "Ah, such a long story.  And I don't
think it's my story to tell.  Only Tony could tell you what happened.  He
was there, seen everything.  He's been through much in his life and now
this..." she let her voice trail off and closed her eyes.  "He's not a
gangbanger Dr Christy.  My baby is not into that CRAP.  He's not a thug,
he's not a hoodlum, he's a good kid."  It seemed that she was trying so
hard to get the truth across.  "I believe you.  I, I knew..." and on the
verge of telling her about the relationship between him and her grandson,
Simon walked in.  "Shane you got a call on line one."  "Thanks Simon, will
you excuse me a moment."  "No problem."  He got up and headed towards the
nurse's station.  "Who is it?"  The nurse just shrugged her shoulders and
returned to her filing.  "Hello, Dr Christy speaking."  "Hello Shane."  He
didn't have to think too hard to guess who was on the other end of the
line.  "Hi Lucia, how are you?"  "Just fine my dear, just fine.  So how is
work?"  "Ah, it's hectic as usual."  "Well let me not keep you.  I just
wanted to invite you to Christmas dinner next week.  It will give you a
chance to meet some of Roderick's cousins and his nieces and nephews coming
in from Puerto Rico."  And the thought of being surrounded by people that
knew and loved Roderick made him want to break down and cry.  It had been
far to long that he had felt the love of a family.  "I would love to come
but I'm on call that day."  "Well...why don't we bring Christmas dinner to
you Shane.  We'll drive up there and bring you dinner."  The whole idea
sounded tantalizing but he wouldn't feel right about having these people
that he had met only once ruin their day for him.  "No no Lucia.  I
appreciate the offer but it's all right.  Besides, I'm not going to have
the time to sit and eat it."  She sighed, the disappointment as clear as
crystal.  "I'm sorry."  "It's quite alright Shane.  Just know one thing."
"Yes."  "My son loved you with all his heart and that to me was the best
gift that a mother can get.  And even though he may be gone, his family is
still here for you.  I want you to feel free to call me anytime, no matter
the hour or day."  "I will Lucia and I appreciate it."  And he did.  The
mere fact that this woman, who had only known him through the phone calls
that her son had made, would open up her home and heart to him made him
feel that there was still hope for him and his parents.  "Well you take
care Shane and keep in touch."  "I will and I appreciate you calling me and
offering to drive up to see me."  "It's no problem whatsoever.  And
remember, my house is always open to you.  Good night."  "Thank you.
Goodnight."
	After his phone call with Roderick's mother, Shane found himself
unable to concentrate on anything.  The paper work before him could have
been in Hebrew and he wouldn't have been able to tell the difference.  The
hours he worked afforded him the luxury of not having to think about what
he was going to do for Christmas.  But now that it was brought up, he had
to face up to the fact that this would be his first Christmas in two years
without his boyfriend by his side.  Thanksgiving had come and gone with no
problem, he had performed a biopsy on an eighty two year old man and had no
time to think about but Christmas was as uncertain as his future at work.
He knew that Simon would never sanction for him to perform any surgeries
until he got his head together so all that left him with was paperwork,
follow ups and more paperwork.  'Oh Roderick, why did you have to do this
to me, to us.' He found himself saying out loud.  'I gave you everything
you could ever want, a nice house, a good life and you had do go and do
something stupid.'  Moments like these were few and far apart, moments when
Shane found himself questioning Roderick and himself, examining everything
that they had done that day, looking for something, anything that could
have changed the outcome.  He never found the answers that he was looking
for but that never stopped him from searching.  "Mind if I take you away
from your thoughts for a second" Shane looked up to see Mary Beth standing
in his office doorway.  "Sure."  "Well it seems that your patient is
causing a ruckus in his room.  He's in there right now arguing with an
orderly that's trying to get him cleaned up."  "Shit!" was Shane's only
reaction.  If the kid kept this up, he didn't know what he was going to do.
"You can't keep this up Anthony."  "You don't know me!"  "Well you
apparently don't know me either cause unlike the rest of the people around
here, I won't take your shit.  Now you either let the orderly clean you up
or you lay down and shut up!"  His tone annoyed Anthony.  He wasn't used to
anyone talking to him that way and not being able to do anything about it.
"You can't talk to me like that."  "Well I just did and there's not a damn
thing you can do about it.  You're in my hospital on my watch and I'm the
king of this almighty castle so you either do as I say or leave.  You've
got the choice."  "Yeah right.  If I don't stay here you probably gonna
transfer me out to some shit hole place likes Downs Medical.  I know how
you suckas operate.  A patient get to complaining and the next thing you
know he's walking out worst than he came in."  "Then if you know how it is
why don't you try to blend in.  Save us all the trouble."  His face turned
serious for a second then returned to its' scowl, "I don't have to do a
damn thing."  And with that he crossed his arms across his chest.  "Well I
don't care what you want or don't want to do.  I've got a job to do."
Shane was fed up and refused to deal with him right now.  Not when he could
be dealing with other, more receptive patients that would appreciate what
he was trying to do for them.  He turned around and walked out stopping
only to instruct the orderly to call security if he began to act up again.

	"Shane I'm heading home, you sure you don't want to tag along?
Sheila and I would love to have you."  He thought for a second and then
shoo his head, "I'm ok Simon.  I've got a shit load of paperwork to do and
then I'm going to help Mary Beth with some follow-ups.  "What else is new!"
Simon exclaimed shaking his head.  "What?"  "It's Christmas Eve and you
still want to work.  Where is the Shane I know? The party animal that won't
leave any party till the break of dawn."  "I'm thirty-five Simon.  I'm too
old for that shit, besides, one of us has to be the old stiff.  It might as
well be me."  That got a chuckle out of his friend.  All day Simon had been
dropping hints suggesting that Shane spend the eve and day with him and his
family.  And even though Simon was good people, he just wasn't into putting
up a front for anyone this year.  "Ok but promise me you'll take a break
after you finish this last batch of paper work."  "I will." He lied trying
to keep a straight face.  "Shane!"  "Ok, I will take a break but after I
finish everything ok.  I just want to get it over with.  Good enough for
you?"  "Yes.  And please for god's sake go home and take a shower, you're
starting to stink up the place."  Shane laughed realizing that he hadn't
been home in about three days.  "Ok sir, I will.  Now will you go and give
Shelia and the kids a kiss for me."  "Will do."  And with that Simon walked
up to Shane and embraced him.  "I'll call you tomorrow."  "Looking forward
to it."  Pulling apart Simon reached into his pocket ad pulled out a small
jewelry box wrapped in gift paper.  "Merry Christmas."  Shane took the gift
and started to unwrap it, "No.  It's for Christmas, so wait till tomorrow.
Jesus, you're beginning to act like one of the kids."  "Ha ha.  Go home
Simon, I'll give you a call tomorrow."  "Ok.  Have a good one."  "Yeah
right."  He responded, knowing what or rather who he had to deal with.
"See you on Thursday."  "Ok."  And with that, Simon was gone leaving Shane
once again to his thoughts.
	Making his rounds for the final time before taking a much-needed
break was the last thing that he wanted to be doing.  It was well into
Christmas morning and the number of staff on call was limited.  One nurse
at the head station on the main floor, two surgeons, three nurses and a
head supervisor made up the Christmas crew.  Mary-Beth and the other
familiars that he knew had gone home to spend the day with their families.
He on the other hand had chosen the solidarity that the hospital offered
and was beginning to regret his decision as he walked from room to room,
checking in on each patient that appeared on his list.  Finally he was down
to one.  Looking at the familiar room number and then the name, he sighed
and tried to ready his mind for what he knew would be a difficult visit.
Pushing open the door he could see a light turned on in the corner and a
figure turned unto its side.  As quietly as possible he walked over to the
darkened side of the room and checked the keypads that displayed vital
patient statistics.  He then unhooked the IV bag and checked the amount of
fluid left.  Finally he made a move to check the patient himself.  He made
sure to be as cautious as possible, trying not to make any sudden moves
that could lead to a confrontation but was surprised when his patient
turned unto his back and flipped off the covers declaring, "Do what you
gotta do."  Shane quickly let his hands touch the boys' legs and felt for
any unusual swelling or internal pressure.  "Have you been feeling any
tingling lately in them?" he asked still avoiding eye contact.  "Naw."  "Do
you feel this?"  He asked squeezing his calf.  "Can't feel a damn thing."
And even as he said it, all Shane could hear was the disappointment and
sadness in his voice.  He once again had to control his urge to do the
familiar.  "Ok, well let me let you get back to what you were doing."  He
turned to walk away when he was called back.  "Can I ask you one question?"
"Yeah, sure."  He seemed to stop and think for a second before speaking
again, "I'm never gonna walk again, am I."  It seemed to be a statement
rather than a question that needed answering.  "I don't know.  We're still
trying to work on it but it doesn't look good.  You should have gotten some
feeling back into your legs by now."  The face in front of him for once
didn't register anger or ferocity; instead, all Shane could make out was
fear.  The fear of a man that was used to being in charge, being in
control.  The fear of a man who knew that his life was going to change.
The fear of a man who knew all of this and couldn't do anything to stop it.

THIS IS A TURN OF EVENTS FOR ME AS THIS IS DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER STORY
THAT I HAVE WRITTEN.  I'M STILL UNSURE ABOUT WHERE IT SHOULD GO OR IF I
SHOULD EVEN CONTINUE WITH IT.  THIS IS WHERE OPINIONS WOULD REALLY HELP.
IS THIS STORY PEAKING ANYONE'S INTEREST?  LET ME KNOW ASAP IF YOU LIKE IT
OR IF I SHOULD TRASH IT.  COMMENTS WANTED!!!