Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2019 11:21:41 +0900
From: Jude St. Jude <judestjude2357@gmail.com>
Subject: Inadequate Men - Chapter 4 - Reflections

Inadequate Men

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Chapter 4 -- Reflections

Back at work on Monday, Jared wondered if it had all been a dream.

He and Tom had spent all of Sunday together, just having brunch, walking
around the city, and then seeing a movie together and secretly holding
hands the whole time. They parted ways on Sunday night, agreeing to see
each other on Tuesday night, with both of them looking forward. They kissed
for a long time at Jared's apartment but both agreed to leave another
sexual encounter for their next time together.

He knew for sure that Tom was a good guy who wouldn't play with his heart,
and that was a good starting place. At the same time, in a way, that fact
made the prospect of a possible relationship all the more real, and that
was so scary for Jared. And now, with Tom away for a few days, he had a
chance to think through why that might be the case.

Jared had come out as gay during his sophomore year of college. During that
time, he'd made many good friends, and because of his boy-next-door looks
always attracted the interest of other guys. But despite this, he never
really had a relationship of more than a month or two. They always started
out good and ended disappointing, with Jared feeling sad and hurt that he
had opened his heart in the first place.

Part of the problem was the whole top or bottom thing. Jared never felt
that he fit either mold. He didn't really enjoy either position in either
direction. In fact, while he knew it was sacrilege, he felt no particular
attraction to another guy's ass. And if he'd been allowed to speak his mind
freely, he would have said that far as he was concerned, a butthole was for
letting something out, not something in.

When he thought about what he really wanted with a guy, it was always face
to face. He liked kissing, and he loved stroking a guy's face, chest, and
shoulders. He also loved feeling a man's whole body press against
his. Jared liked nothing better than a make-out session that built very
slowly and lasted a long time.

But more than that, what Jared really wanted was a gentle connection. Why
was that so difficult to find? In college and then in his early 20s, he met
so many guys who seemed like they wanted the same thing. Sweet, sensitive
guys who seemed to want nothing more than a warm connection with a male
partner. He went on date after date with guys who said they wanted this,
only to find that when it came to sex, most guys craved a hot, sweaty
encounter with a screaming orgasm at the end. And from time to time, Jared
had to admit that this felt pretty good, which only added to his confusion.

But what he wanted, what he really wanted, had more to do with eye contact
and soul connection than anything in the body. Part of this had to do with
his fear of rejection that ran so very deeply. Because of his feeling of
inadequacy about his small penis, he desperately longed to feel safe with a
man, to just hold each other and let the physical aspect of sex unfold from
a shared sense of intimacy and vulnerability.

So many times, he had found himself in bed with an attractive guy who said
he wanted the same things as Jared did, only to find that this safety was
missing. Maybe Jared would have been the same if he had been born as that
kid who was showing off in front of his friends by swinging his dick around
in circles that first day of gym showers. But instead, he was the one whose
tiny prepubescent penis had made a bunch of normal 14-year-old boys point
and stare and laugh and pity him.

And it wasn't even the incident itself, but more what it revealed about
Jared to himself. Even if it hadn't happened in precisely that way, the
truth was that he had an abnormally small penis. He had to face this truth
in most of the sexual encounters that ever got far enough for him to strip
down to his underwear. More than once during the lead-up to sex, a guy
would reach down the front of his pants, size up the situation, and then
suddenly remember that he had an early morning the next day and better be
going home.

But it was maybe even worse with some of the guys who stayed. "Well, I
guess I know now which one of us is the top," said one of them, being
particularly honest. But more often than not, even when unspoken, Jared
could read disappointment in the eyes of his partner. And each time,
feeling shame to his core, he closed up just a little more. What was the
point of opening up to a man who appeared to be trustworthy if, at the end
of the day, Jared was just going to get rejected for his small penis, which
was something he could do nothing about?

Law school provided Jared an excuse to avoid the whole issue. Plowed under
with more work than any human could possibly complete, he threw himself
into his studies 24-7. His friends during that period were exclusively
other law students in his classes, all struggling to understand and master
the massive amount of information being thrown at them on a daily
basis. For that time, Jared's only sexual outlet was jacking off alone in
the shower every morning. His fantasy hadn't changed -- a loving man gently
accepting him as he was. And for two or three minutes a day, it was his
reality, and that had to be enough.

This trend more or less continued as he finished school, studied for the
Bar Exam, and then landed his current job. Through it all, his parents
generously supported him as much as possible, so that he accumulated only a
small hill rather than a mountain of debt. By the time he was 30, he felt
secure enough in his career that he could begin to relax and enjoy life.

And that's when the lack of a partner or any real boyfriend experience
really began to bother Jared. All around him, despite their busy schedules
and demanding careers, people he knew -- gay, straight, male, female --
were pairing up. Gay marriage might have been a legal reality, but for
Jared it was still a distant dream. His longest relationship to date was
five months -- two of them spent apart in different cities!

And now, here was Tom, who seemed so different from any man Jared had ever
met. He wanted desperately to believe that they might really have a
connection that could lead someplace amazing. It seemed possible. At the
same time, the thought of opening his heart again only to be rejected in
the same old way was terrifying.

At the very least, his 24 hours with Tom had been galaxies apart from any
dating experience that Jared had ever had. Perhaps, as another small guy,
Tom could begin to understand Jared's anxiety and feelings of inadequacy,
and seemed to share them to some extent. But there was one more thing that
Jared hadn't expected.

All day long, as he and Tom had brunch, visited a park and had a boat ride
together, and the whole time he sat through a movie that was only
marginally entertaining, Jared found his mind returning over and over again
to something that had truly sparked his interest: Tom's struggle and
inability to avoid prematurely ejaculating.

Throughout the day, recollections of these moments kept returning to Jared
and playing vividly in his mind. And each time, the memories gave him a
rush of excitement that he couldn't quite explain.

The first time it happened, in the shower room, Jared remembered putting
his hand on Tom's shoulder reassuringly and letting him know it was
OK. That impulse within himself made him smile, because he had often wished
that a boyfriend would offer him the same type of reassurance with his own
sexual insecurity. Out of all those seemingly nice guys who claimed to want
a life partner to share a home, career ups and downs, a dog, and maybe a
white picket fence -- out of all those guys, none had ever said to Jared,
Dude, it's OK -- the size of your dick doesn't matter to me. Because if one
had ever said that and meant it, Jared would be living with him right now
-- probably in a house with a white picket fence.

That impulse to reassure Tom seemed pretty basic, but core to who Jared was
and what he wanted to share with another man. What he didn't expect was his
sexual reaction. Sure, he was already turned on by Tom. It had started with
that long handshake as they stood together in towels, the immediate warmth
of the connection that both of them had felt and neither man wanted to let
go of. Even as they held hands again in the dark movie theater, Jared still
felt the intimacy of that connection, and imagined that he could live to be
100 years old and still want to experience that same intimacy with Tom.

And of course, there was the apprehension he'd felt about letting Tom see
his small penis, followed by that heart-stopping rush of relief upon
discovering that they were both small. Jared never knew that relief could
feel so good, as his resulting erection made clear. In most situations,
Jared was sexually very timid, and if he got an erection at all, it was
only because he felt very safe and comfortable for a long time as the
feeling built up. He very rarely just sprung a boner like that, especially
with another man looking on. He just wasn't built that way and never had
been.

But that feeling of relief as he and Tom stood naked together was something
entirely new for Jared. Sure, he had hoped for it, dreamed of it, and
jacked off to it as an ultimate fantasy that he'd never quite attained. He
had imagined the joy of feeling completely accepted by a man in every way
for everything that normally made him feel sexually inadequate. He just
didn't know it could ever happen anywhere but in his mind, and never
expected how relieved he could feel from the burden of feeling so isolated
and alone for so many years.

Somehow, in Tom, Jared had found a man who had long carried this burden as
well, and the two men had shared a kind of intimacy that neither had ever
experienced. Jared's erection in that moment felt so natural, something he
had been longing for all his life.

What had happened next, though, was what Jared's mind kept returning to:
Tom's sudden urgent need to release, his desperate struggle to control this
impulse, and the shame he clearly felt at being unable to master it. And
then, as Jared gently let him know it was OK, the reluctant and resigned
way that Tom took his thin penis in his hand and brought himself to the
completion he could no longer prolong.

And then it happened again, when they were together in Jared's
apartment. This time, they were naked together holding each other and
talking about it as it was happening, which made Tom's struggle and
inability to hold back even more exciting to Jared. That time, one of the
things that most excited Jared was when Tom said, A man should be able to
hold it. How long had Tom been suffering silently behind this secret wall
of shame at his inability to do what every other man seems to manage? Every
sexual fiber in Jared's being was on fire as he took Tom's small thin penis
gently in his hand at that moment, felt how hard and overstrained it was,
and understood how desperately Tom was trying to hold back and get control
of something that was only moments away from overwhelming him.

Throughout the day, as they talked and walked and sat together, Jared's
mind kept returning to these moments of Tom's desperation. And not just his
mind. He could feel his heart pounding with sexual excitement, his
respiration increased, his stomach full of butterflies, and his penis
repeatedly waking up and stiffening in his pants. Before long, there was a
wet spot in his underwear that Jarred worried might leak through to the
outside.

Among all the good feelings of his quiet day shared with Tom, this secret
source of excitement was completely unexpected. After the movie, he would
have loved to bring Tom back to his place and have another opportunity to
experience it firsthand. But the two of them talked it through and agreed
that as fun as another night together would be, after a weekend so full of
new feelings, it might make more sense to part ways, get back into work
mode, and reconnect on Tuesday.

Back in his apartment by himself, Jared poured himself a glass of wine,
turned on some music in his bedroom, and played and replayed these scenes
over to himself as he lay on the bed. He knew that he needed a good jack
off session to explore these fantasies further. Not to mention that after a
full day with Tom only thinking about these things but not acting on them,
his balls were full and aching in a way he was sure just wouldn't let up
until, one way or another, he'd emptied them out onto his chest and
stomach.

Jared gulped down the wine so its effect would be quicker, lowered the
lights, and crawled out of his pants and shirt, then climbed under his
comforter into the space that he had so recently shared with Tom. In fact,
he could still smell Tom's subtle scent on his pillow, and this made him
smile. Damn, he realized, I really like the guy a lot.

Then he remembered that about a month ago, a friend had shared half a joint
with him, and then left him the other half. Jared had stashed it in the top
drawer of his nightstand for later use. He rarely got stoned, or even
wanted to, so he'd forgotten all about it. But tonight, he had a feeling it
might be just the thing.

He sparked it up and took a small hit to get his lungs ready, then blew
out, took a deeper hit, and held it. Usually, because he was such a
lightweight, one good hit was all he needed. Tonight, though, Jared
indulged. He held the flame up to the joint a second and breathed another
deep, deep hit into his lungs, as much as he could take in, then closed his
eyes and held it for almost a minute.

The resonant sound of his room behind the music came into foreground focus
as he felt like he was floating away. As Jared held his breath, he could
feel his heart beating rhythmically in his chest. Images from the previous
night and day with Tom cascaded in his mind. He focused in on the moments
that had brought him the most intense sexual pleasure, and both saw and
felt them all at once in heightened focus. He was so fucking turned on he
couldn't believe it, and his hand moved down to rub his dick through his
boxer briefs.

Jared thought about Tom in each of those intense moment of struggle as he
had tried not to cum, in the shower room and then in his living room. They
both played back and forth in his mind, and Jared felt a wave of sexual
excitement as his heart pounded and his dick sprung to life. Then something
unexpected happened and it shattered him beyond anything he could have
imagined.

A memory returned.


To be continued...

The response to this story has been amazing, so if you've already written
to me about it, all I can say is thanks! If you're liking how the story is
unfolding and have thought about writing, go ahead and say hi at
judestjude2357@gmail.com. I promise to do my best to answer every email I
can! Thanks again, TJ