Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, or so I thought summoning the powers to get out of bed on this gloomy Saturday morning. The gloomy clouds were hanging low as my room usually fills with the morning sunlight.

Saturday today, must get up, I have a lunch date with Tassy. It's a sort of post birthday lunch. Yesterday was the big day. No, I didn't do anything. I didn't even cry. I suppose I just chilled out - numbed out more like it - and switched my brain off for the day. Not thinking helped me get through the day.

Thinking, thinking... I spend so many nights ruminating about the past and the future. The present? The present is a void. I feeling like I'm living in a black hold. Living? No, merely existing.

Here I am, over thirty and still living at home with my parents. Why? Firstly, it's a financial issue. I left my last job a couple of years ago. Sure, I've been looking and applying - without success. I still have a few savings to help tide me over, but luxuries are out of the question.

Secondly, I feel a sense of loyalty towards my ailing mother. She can't look after this house on her own and I don't think I could live with myself if I anything happened to her.

Thirdly, I don't think I could cope with living in a place on my own. Besides, the house is located in a rather central location, close to the shops and cafes, and not too far out of the city, and the yuppies haven't taken over as yet. Things are just dandy.

Except that I'm still waiting for something to happen, for my life to really begin.

The smell of burnt toast brought me back into reality; it had me jumping out of bed and into my clothes for the day.

One of these days she's going to burn the house down.

"What are you doing? The whole house stinks!" The kitchen was empty. Mother was in the bathroom. Great.

At least it gave me a chance to have breakfast in peace and then I could hide in my bedroom for the rest of the morning. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the old woman. I'm just not a morning person and can't put up with her perkiness first thing. All those "good morning"s and "did you have any nice dreams last night?" are not the way I like to start my day. Not before breakfast and some strong coffee, anyway.

So I came back to my room, with my favourite cup filled to the brim with the essential piping hot caffeine jolt I require to join the weariness of reality and jumped onto the internet.

The internet has been my saviour. Without it... I really don't know where'd I'd be now.

Time flies when I'm on-line. I can imagine I am whoever I want to be. I'm myself, I can be free, yet I can be anybody I desire. There's nobody who'd judge me, scold me on the internet. If they do, I can control it all by pressing the delete button. But I rarely go into the chat rooms these days. In fact, I mostly loiter around the free porn sites and newsgroups.

An e-mail from Tassy was awaiting me:

Hey, guy,

Looking 4ward 2 lunch with u 2day, haven't seen u in a long time.
Meet u up the corner near the munch as usual at 12:30?
I might b a bit l8 as I have 2 take my cat 2 the fang doctor

c ya,

T

Tassy's the only person I've constantly kept in touch with since I finished my last job. She's been nothing but encouraging. A fun and great person to lean on when necessary.

Tassy nagged...err, encouraged me to put my thoughts onto paper, well, virtual paper, along with signs from the 'other side'. I was very reluctant at first. I get sick of things as fast as the weather changes in these parts. I'm sure I'll get sick of this too, but I'll keep at it for as long as I have nothing better to do. It's not like there are others out there who have lives that are as glamourous as mine. Glamour... heh... I don't even know what the word means.

There were no new posts in my favourite newsgroups, so I decided to go and have a quick shower.

Looking into the mirror is something I always dread. Seeing the receding hairline, the extra few pounds of fat I can do without (of course, I'm working on that with my exercise regime) and my unimpressive, barely average features which rarely turn heads, even more rare from somebody who'd interest me.

The marks of time and how unkind it has been to me are evident - to me at least. Others wouldn't agree with me, perhaps they are just being polite. On the positive side, at least I never really have to look at myself.

A quick scrub and wash in the shower followed. I only washed a couple of nights ago, and it's not like I've been rolling around in mud.

What to wear, what to wear.

Well, it's only lunch with Tassy, it's not like I'm going on a hot date or something. I threw on the first pair of jeans in sight, and complimented it with an old army jacket which was a present from a dear friend, and my trekking boots.

Out the front door after a grunt to mother, telling her I was "going out".

Across the street from my house is Miles' house. I suppose you could say we grew up together. He is a few years older then me, but we did spend a lot of time together during my teenage years. Hey, he was the guy I introduced to pornography and he was the one to take me to my first sex shop, so that's all got to account for something. I think he became a wee bit obsessive with the big boobies and I somehow feel responsible for leading him astray.

Unfortunately, his mother found religion, so I stopped visiting. His visits became more and more scarce as well.

I hear now that he's been led astray by others. He spends his days at the gym, he's given up his bible classes - he even frequents brothels!

Next door is Mick, the mechanic. What can I say about him? He evokes a feeling of abhorrence in me. He starts work at some unearthly hour and wakes me up with the loud vrooom vrooooooom of incoming and outgoing cars. Not to mention all the carbon monoxide fumes that end up in my room when I leave my window open. I could talk about him for hours, but it's liable to get hysterical, and that would not be right. Not today, anyway.

So I walked up to the prescribed meeting place - the corner bus stop - to wait for Tassy. There's something most unpleasant about standing around on street corners with nothing to do - especially when the expected bus is running late. Still, One never knows one's luck: I might be propositioned by some hot, horny hunk. Ha! Knowing my luck, it'd be more like some old hag like the ones that passed by and leered at me.

"Hi ya, Tass," Tassy greeted me as she got off the bus.

"Hey, sorry I'm a bit late..." she apologised. "... and happy birthday for yesterday!"

"Don't worry about that, let's just hope we find a table at the Munch." We began making our way to our regular café.

Tassy and I hadn't seen in other in months, and we hadn't been to the Munch in even longer. Her full time job and studies have hindered her social life.

"Yeah, I hope it's not too full of yuppies..."

"We can deal with them. Don't worry, I'll protect you against any lesbians too!"

"Great, thanks. So, what did you do last night to celebrate?" She enquired.

"Hmmm.." I thought. " Nothing I really care to remember".

"Oh, it was one of those nights, eh?" Tassy smiled.

People were busily hurrying out one shop, into another. Running to cross the street before the lights go red. All in all, a fairly busy Saturday afternoon in the busy shopping strip.

I was correct about the Munch. If the tables outside were crowded on such a cool day, I imagined it'd be just as bad inside.

I peered inside and over in one corner, it looked like there was an empty table.

"Looks like we're in luck, Tassy!" I pointed out the seemingly empty table.

On closer inspection, though, I saw that somebody was sitting there. All alone. Nice back, nice head of hair.

"Ask him if we can share the table," Tassy whispered to me.

I felt uncomfortable as I don't like talking to strangers at the best of times. However, I had to put a brave face on in front of Tassy.

I summoned up the intestinal fortitude, breathed in and...

"Hi, um... we were wondering if we could sit with you?"

He turned his head around and I almost swooned; the most luscious green eyes looked up at me. They were bright and crisp, like fine diamonds.

Not that the rest of him was bad. From what I saw, this guy was a real hunk-a-saurus: Light brown hair (yes, a full head!), a two day growth beard, finely chiselled nose and cheekbones. Not to mention the plump red lips. I almost felt light on my feet that I was so close to perfection.

"Yeah, sure," my future husband replied.

Future husband? Oh, no. Let's not go there.

You know, every time I see some hot guy in the flesh, my imagination runs wild. I keep thinking of what it would be like to spend time with him. To live with him. To go shopping with him. To fuck with him. I thought I'd gotten over all this.

Control yourself.

I took another few deep breaths as Tassy and I took our seats.

Feeling a bit more relaxed, after we ordered, Tassy and I started our typical dialogue:

"So, Tassy, how's your pussy? You said something in your e-mail about it being sore," I began.

He looked over at me.

"Yes, I had a very sore pussy. But I took her for an extraction and she's better now. You won't believe what was stuck in there...", she said matter of factly.

Diamond Eyes glanced over to Tassy. Obviously, he was following our banter. Fantastic.

"Ummmm... please explain?"

"It was a tail, probably a rat's tail," Tassy informed with a straight face.

"Wow, you must have a really big pussy to accommodate a rat!"

Diamond Eyes coughed. It probably went down the wrong hole.

"Let's just say she bit off more than she could chew, a bit like our friend over here." Tassy pointed to Diamond Eyes as she poured him a glass of water.

"Drink this and breathe deeply," she told him.

"Thanks," he recovered.

"Yes, Agapantha has been a very bad cat. She's become a real grump lately," Tassy resumed, glancing back and forth between me and Diamond Eyes.

Diamond Eyes rolled his eyes and sniggered, continuing with his lunch.

As our meals arrived, we heard the distant ring of some cellular mobile phone device.

"You know, Tassy, dear. I imagine that the only people who need those darn things are whores, who have to keep in touch with their pimps between customers," I expressed, trying to keep my eyes on the gorgeous guy to my left, but my head facing Tassy so he wouldn't notice me staring.

"Yes, absolutely. Do you think that there's a whore - here in this very café?" Tassy asked.

"Could be. Of course not that I have anything against whores. They're really fine people..."

"Yes, far more decent that those crummy yuppies who've invaded us over recent times."

He smiled, continuing his lunch.

"Poor thing! You have yuppies in your neighbourhood?"

"Yuppies and wannabe body builders," she nodded.

"Of course, if it wasn't for the bodybuilders - who build their bodies just to become whores - we wouldn't be shaving our pubes now, would we?"

Diamond Eyes stopped eating. I took my eyes of him and looked down to my food - hopefully before he noticed me staring.

"... and we know that guys shave their pubes just to make their cocks look bigger and as we all know, all those big musclemen have tiny cocks, so it all makes perfect sense." I clarified.

"Exactly, I couldn't have put it better myself."

"...or they just might have crabs." I concluded.

"Bravo! That's just the best explanation I've ever heard about the decline of Western civilisation..."

I didn't know Tassy was going to take it this far and go all arty-farty on me.

Diamond Eyes sat there, staring at us in disbelief. At least he wasn't shaking his head and proclaiming the fire and brimstone that await us. Actually, I think we entertained him. Now, that's a great sign.

"Is there some problem, dear?" Tassy asked him.

"No, no", was the reply, "I just wonder what you do for the main course".

We let out a slight giggle as we finished our meal.

Diamond Eyes got up, fared us well and left the table. Both Tass and I couldn't help but look at tight buns.

"Mmmmmmm..." I was about to start drooling, imagining massaging those cheeks of joy, not to mention the exquisite surprise on the other side. He didn't look like a bodybuilder, but he looked like he kept his body in good shape. More importantly, I didn't notice and band on his fingers.

No, Tassy and I aren't that crude in public, usually. We just like to shock people every now and again. It's not like we've ever gotten into any trouble. More often than not, we're mouthing off about our mutual pet hates - hippies and yuppies. Today, we wound up on another subject. Well, after seeing that sex bomb, how could I help but have hot body builders on my mind?

After lunch, Tassy and I usually go out for a bit of a walk to help digestion, even to do some window shopping.

I was rather quiet, thinking back at Diamond Eyes and wondering why I didn't ask him his name, address and phone number so I could at least do some snooping. Stop it, you're being stupid. Come back down to reality, will you?

"You miss Him?" Tassy asked with a concerned look on her face.

"Uh? Oh... Him...." I realised she wasn't referring to Diamond Eyes.

"I noticed the jacket you're wearing," she commented.

"Yes, it's the one he bought me."

"How long since he died?"

"It's been a bit over six months," I replied.

"Has his family been in contact with you much?"

"Only a couple of times. I suspect that they've found a certain home made video in his things and realised just how close we were," I forced a slight smile.

"Ohhh..."

"But to answer your question... yeah, I miss him. I think about him every day. How I used to send him e-mails a couple of times a day. Now, you're the only person I regularly write to. Anyway, you'll be glad to hear that I decided to take up your suggestion and started an electronic diary on my computer. He's been pushing me to do it for months."

"Really?"

"I still feel like he's a part of me, I sometimes feel him around me. When I'm on the computer, it's as if he's pushing me to write, as if it's a way for me to meet somebody. You remember what he was like, he never wanted me to sit around and feel sorry for myself. He enters my dreams and gives me the will to go on when I feel like I can't do it any more."

Tassy nodded slowly.

"At least it'll keep my fingers busy," I smiled.

"When you're not jerking off, that is!"

I sniggered.

"Has he fucked you?"

"What? He's dead!"

"Yeah, but his ghost or spirit...."

"Not that I can recall, Tassy, but I can definitely tell you that I've put on a few shows for him that I'm sure made him happy."

"And hard!"

Yeah, I miss Him. We were together for a couple of years. A real behind the doors kind of thing. Our relationship blossomed online, we only met face to face a couple of times. He was my first. And only. We connected. I felt like I could tell him anything, and did. We were soul mates.

My mind wandered elsewhere, to the present day - back to Diamond Eyes. A smile gave it away.

"Thinking about that stud, eh?" Tassy asked.

"That obvious?"

"You hardly took your eyes off him whilst we were eating. I could have shoved a dawg on your plate and you'd be none the wiser."

"Oh... hmmmm.. I hope he didn't notice..."

"Nah, of course not... if he was blind! Anyhow, I don't think it matters. It's not like you'll ever see him again, is it? He was probably just shopping in the neighbourhood and stopped in for a bite to eat."

If she was telling me this to make me feel better, it wasn't working. In fact, it was having quite an opposite effect. It's how I always feel. It's one of these stupid elements of being me. It's one of the things that I can't explain to anybody and feel like nobody understands. I'd love to be with him - be his obedient servant even - but I feel that I'm the type who evokes a feeling of repulsion when it comes those matters.

"You think it's going to rain"? I changed the subject.

"Nup. Not today, I hope. I put my washing on the line before I left this morning. But I do know where it's hot and tropical right now."

"Where? " I asked aloofly.

"In his butt crack where you'd like your tongue to be right now!!"

"Ewwwww!" This time she caught me by surprise.

"I wonder if it's hairy, I wonder if he shaves it..." Tassy was in a very facetious mood.

"Come off it. Tassy, you're getting me all worked up." I let out a groan.

"Oh no....."

"Oh yes, and if you keep it up I won't be able to help myself. I'll have to fuck you!"

We both chuckled at the surreal remark. Me and Tassy? Nah. Me and Diamond Eyes? A dream come true

We eventually returned back to the bus stop, where the bus on time - for once.

"Well, dear, I must be off. Have to go and see how my pussy's doing," she winked at me.

"OK, Tassy. Thanks for lunch and I'll e-mail you, ok?"

"Yeah, great. See ya!"

The bus departed so I decided to go on a bit of a walk. Walking is great for when I have something on my mind and want to clear it.

I thought about Diamond Eyes, coming home to him, nibbling his nipples, rubbing my face in his crotch. Nibbling his cock through his shorts. Slurping up the gallons of cum his heavy balls had in store for me.

Stop it! As usual, my imagination's running wild again. It'll never happen to you. He's not interested and he's probably got a girlfriend he wouldn't dump for you. She's probably got something you don't: Big boobies.

Chuckling at my own sad state and baneful stupidity, I tried to remember back to better times. Times when I had money. Times when I was in love and - more importantly - times when I felt loved. It all felt like a distant memory, though. As if it happened in a previous lifetime. I even tried to conjure up the feeling of immense happiness that accompanies love, but I felt nothing but hollow.

Don't forget, I told myself. Don't forget...

Like a weird dream, I have a bizarre recollection of me as a child, in some faraway place. A gypsy. A spell. I'm cursed. Cursed to be ugly (with receding hair) and cursed not to love. Did it ever happen? Was it just a dream? Sometimes, I find that fantasy and reality aren't easily distinguishable

It was getting late in the afternoon. The cloudy gloom was going to bring the night even earlier, so I made my way back home.

A chilly breeze made me shudder. It looks like it's going to be a cold winter.

The streets were almost empty. The sidewalks were littered with leaves and the trees in the neighbourhood were mostly bare. Even the fruit tree out the front of our house. The famed fruit tree that, once in full blossom, was the sure sign that spring had begun and that the warmer weather was not too far.

The street lights came on as I fiddled for my keys. Turning around instinctively, I saw the old woman walking down the street.

The old woman has walked up and down the street every day for as long as I remember. All dressed in black, grey hair that hasn't been well maintained, clutching a walking stick in one hand. I have no idea of who she is, where she goes or why. I'm the type of person who just accepts things as they are without questioning them. It's none of my business, anyway, right?

"Where were you? I was worried sick. You want me to die? Don't you know about my blood pressure? You made my blood sugar rise..." mother continued on and on.

"And a big hello to you," I said, making my way back to my room. Mother kicks up a fuss if I don't tell her where I'm going or if I'm going to be late. She doesn't have anybody else to worry about so she concentrates it all on me.

"Aren't you hungry?" She yelled out

"No, I had a big lunch," I bellowed, shutting my door.

Ahhh.. my room, my domain. The only place where I feel at home and comfortable. Others might see it as a messy dump - others like my mother, that is - but for me, it's my world. It's everything I am, mess included. Far away from the reality of yelling mothers, yuppies with mobile cell phones ringing gadgets, smelly hippies and even lesbians.

I decided to watch one of my special genre films. Which one? I know it's so difficult to choose, so I shut my eyes and picked one at random.

Great! The Canni-Balls. This is a great lil flick about a group of college guys who go to the tropical jungle in search of some loot and stumble upon a lost tribe of infamous cannibals. Infamous because they lure the guys to oral sex and upon orgasm bite and chew up their cocks. Great stuff... Gives a new meaning to spit or swallow states the video cover.

However, as I was watching the film, I was feeling a bit... uneasy. A bit... ummm... horny...

I switched off the video clicked onto my computer.

So many men, so little time...

I have so many CDs full of all the hottest guys... what am I in the mood for tonight... hmmm...

I threw in CD #13, typed in my password (you don't think I'd have these open and ready for prying eyes, surely!) and started the slide show.

Photo after photo of hot men. Smooth men, hairy men, in-between men. Cut, uncut, pierced, muscled, blondes...

My pubic region started to feel all tight as I began rubbing through my jeans... The tightness became unbearable and in a flash, I removed my clothes fondling my body, but not looking at it (after all, it's quite a let down compared to the ones in view).

Feeling the hardness between my legs, I started stroking gently and slowly. Getting into a rhythm.

Then I found it: My special folder with the selected few - the hottest of the hot. This is the one I look at when I want to cum.

Oooh yeah... I stared pinching my nipples as my breaths became heavier.

The strokes became shorter and faster until I felt the oncoming orgasm from the tips of my toes up to the crown of my head...Diamond Eyes, I bet you've got a bigger cock than all these guys and you're going to ram it right inside me and I'll make you feel things you never thought possible.

Within seconds, I felt a splat splat splat and it was over, with a puddle of white goo on my belly as receipt.

Breathing -  back to normal.

Wow... that was quite intense. After a quick clean up, I stopped the slide show only to realise that the orgasm wasn't induced my Mark or Bo on the screen; I had Him in my mind's eye. I was with him and he was with me. He was all mine, like he will never be.

It was getting late, I was feeling tired after the day's activities, so I decided an early night was called for.

Switched everything off promptly, jumped into bed and tried to fall asleep, but my mind was still on Diamond Eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about him. This is not good at all.

Such was the first day of the rest of my life.

Another gloomy morning followed a restless, dreamless night. I woke up feeling lethargic, as if I'd hardly slept.

Sunday morning.

Somewhere out there, in the universe, I heard mother shuffling around the house, getting ready to go to church. I usually like to stay in bed until she's gone; there's no point in breaking the peace and quiet.

After a few minutes of fidgeting in bed, tossing and turning to get comfortable for another few minutes of sleep, I decide to jump out of bed and hop onto the internet as per usual. Lots of posts in the newsgroups - great! I put it on auto download while I have breakfast and make me that first essential caffeine jolt for the day.

Breakfast is dreary. Eating the same cereal every morning gets a bit boring. Still, I feel strangely compelled to eat it, like the only real, steady thing in my life right at present.

Sure, I have a roof over my head and I get to eat some, but one has more needs than just the basics. Oh! To have money to upgrade my computer, to start my overdue collection of DVDs, to buy more smutty magazines with all of them throbbing boners!

I'm too fat and I need to shave, I think staring at the reflection in the bathroom mirror. If it doesn't rain, I'll go out for a brisk constitutional this afternoon. I skip the shaving.

I never really worried about my health. Not until a few months back, when I had strange pains in my stomach for days. I had tests, I was poked and prodded and they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Of course, I thought the end was nigh and I'd be pushing up daisies earlier than anticipated, but I haven't had any problems since.

Being ill made me realise a couple of things: Firstly, I don't want to die before my mother. As much as we rant and yell at each other, the look of dread and sorrow in her eyes when I was laying on the hospital bed was almost too much - for me and for her. Secondly, I was told that I should cut down on my fat intake and exercise more. I've been working on both and that's where the walking comes into the picture.

You see, I don't think I'd like to jog. I picture all everybody staring at me through their windows, patrons through the shop fronts. All pointing at me. All laughing at me. All saying that I really wasn't worth it.

I have an old exercise bike I found one day rummaging through the trash up the street. Yeah, I rummage during the warmer months. You never know what treasures you may find. I mostly collect cans. You know, soda pop cans, beer cans. I only get a few cents per pound at the local scrap metal merchant, but it's better than nothing at this point in time.

Anyway, I jump onto the exercise bike during the warmer months - when it's too hot to go out for walks. Still, I get sick of the monotonous nature and at least I get to see things whilst walking.

Back onto my computer, the downloads going well - almost done. I decided to send Tassy an e-mail:

Tassy, old gal,

Thanks for yesterday, it was a real hoot and very filling; the food was good too.
If the weather remains dry, I think I'll go walking. You never know what or who I may bump into, eh?
regards to your pussy

:))

By the time I was off the internet, mother was back home.

"You should've come to the service today. It was exceptional."

"I'm going to go for a walk after..." I stifled a groan.

"Not before you finish those chores. You didn't even wash the dishes for me yesterday. My aching legs... one day I'll be confined to a wheelchair and you'll have to wash my undies," she babbled.

Doing the chores around the house isn't that bad. At least it keeps me moving rather than sitting in front of the computer all day long, fiddling my appendage.

I washed the dishes, swept the house, ironed the clothes - and then wondered if I'd already done enough exercise so as not to go for a walk.

"Aren't you going for that walk?" Mother asked. "I can't sit in here and wait for you all day, you know. I'm old, I need my naps, and I want to call around next door."

"Yes, I'm going in a minute," I yelled out as I slipped into my walking gear. I never bother taking my keys or my wallet with me. The keys are just too clunky and my wallet... well, who knows, somebody might try mugging me and steal the few pennies I have.

So out I went, into another gloomy afternoon. At least it was a peaceful enough Sunday afternoon as the mechanic next door shut up shop.

As the wind began to pick up, I decided to start walking faster. Thinking that the threatening clouds may unleash an almighty storm, I thought it would be wise to walk up the main street - where Tassy and I walked yesterday - which at least had some shelter to keep me from getting wet. Most of the shops were closed, the street was quite different to what it was yesterday: A couple of people stumbled out of the odd shop, but it was very quiet.

I felt strange in my stomach as I neared the Munch. I don't like peering into places where I know there could be people peering back at me. But I couldn't help myself.

It didn't look as full as yesterday, but I'd say it was still a profitable afternoon... Wait. Did I see correctly?

I slowly walked backwards and my jaw all but hit the pavement: I saw Diamond Eyes... behind the counter! Could he be working at the Munch?

Think quickly... you could go in there and have a chat with him, but.... you don't have a penny on you and it would look a bit sus if you went into a café without ordering something. You could always go in for a glass of water, but then he'd think you were too cheap.

Instead, I continued my walk. Faster, brisker. Thinking. If he's a waiter there, at least I have more of a chance than I did 24 hours ago, I'd definitely see my beau once more. Then again, the Munch has a bit of a reputation for having a very high staff turnover rate.

Hey, what am I thinking? He wouldn't - couldn't possibly - be interested in me. What am I, anyway? A stuff up still living with his mother. Unemployed - or is that unemployable? - whose 10-year-old nephew has more of a social life.

And then there's mother. I could move out and leave her alone whereas I couldn't let anybody move in with us. Hmmm... She's very suspicious of strangers. Don't trust anybody, she always warned me. I don't always listen to her. Sometimes I just hate it when she's right. But I don't think that I could just leave her, either.

Yes, I fell in love, had my heart broken. I think I've gotten over all that. That was the old me, I've learned and moved on. I'm more mature and courageous now. Fuck, who am I trying to kid?

You know, it would be great if I had somebody to come home to, somebody to hug, somebody to snuggle with. Alas, most people are just after sex, and I find that's usually better done alone. After all, I know what turns me on, what gets my blood pumping. Which stroke helps me ejaculate stronger.

How far have I walked? I think I'd better turn back now as I can smell the moisture and the rain isn't too far off. Foolishly, I decided to take the back streets. To avoid Him? To avoid seeing him could make things easier. As I always like say, not to have loved is better than to have loved and had a broken heart.

So, I'm a bit twisted in some ways. Well, I suppose that comes as no surprise with the upbringing I've had, with mother and all that. She's been sick on and off (mostly on) since I was a child. Difficult birth, an abusive husband, depression. She's had a lot to deal with.

Since I was a child, I had this bizarre notion in my head. I suppose it's a kind of yin and yang philosophy. I thought that for every ounce of pleasure I feel, somebody else has to feel an ounce of pain. The better I felt, the worse they felt, until we both have our penultimate orgasms - mine of sexual pleasure and their's of death. OK, I can cope with that, but in my mind the person to whom the negative energy was aimed, I felt - and still feel - is my mother.

I've had a couple of experiences where I'd be off somewhere making out and whatnot, only to return home to her having an attack or being ferried off to the hospital.

Yes, I surely let the old brain work overtime, don't I? That's why I usually feel it's better to leave it switched off. The more I think, the more I worry and the more I know I'll end up like mother.

Oh, no. What did I just feel on the tip of my nose? Was it a rain drop? The walk almost became a jog, but the heavens opened and I got soaked to the skin. Sometimes you really are dumb.

Mother answered the front door. I entered the house with a sneeze.

"Where have you been? I've been worried, when it started raining I could feel one of my panic attacks..."

"Don't worry, I'm fine," I sneezed.

A nice hot shower was called for, so I got out of my wet clothes and jumped into the shower.

I know this might sound even more stupid than the rest of the stuff I've said already, but rain turns me on.

It's not like I enjoy getting wet, but just listening to the rain fall on our old tin roof gets me going. It's a bit like hearing a ton of hot hunks ejaculating on the roof, all at the same time. Kinky? That's nothing.... :)

So I'm in the shower. The combination of the hot water and the sound of the heavy rain outside (it might be hail for all I know!) stir up some torrid arousal down below. I barely get to finish conditioning my hair when the lil guy peeks up at me, vying for some loving attention.

Remember all the times in this very shower all those years ago? I was a teenager then - with more hair on my head. Let's see if we can re-create one of those adventures.

I turned the shower head to massage mode and adjust it so it'll spray right where I want it.

It was a bit difficult, but I somehow still managed to sit inside the stall. Ahhh. the jetting stream of steamy hot water on my cock head made it harder and more difficult to control. As velvety as a soft tongue, yet as hot as an aching butt hole Stroking harder and faster, I poked one of my soapy lubricated fingers up my chute.

Yes, that's it. Reach deep inside. Massage that prostate. Yeah...

At the pivotal moment of no return, I pointed my manhood toward my legs and shoot all over my left shin.

This is the best part, let's see if you can still do it.

I brought my left leg up to my mouth and gently - ever so gently - started licking at the hair on my shin. When I finally reached my cum, I lapped it up like a thirsty old slut.

Yeah, you can still do it, guy.

"You were a long time, don't you know the city's running out of water?" Mother started whining when I came out of the bathroom. "What if I wanted to piss? You know my kidneys are damaged and my bladder is weak."

"Yeah, I know. It was just so nice and warm under the hot shower," I apologised

"I think you should put your heater on tonight and cover yourself with the extra blanket. I don't want you catching a cold now. I can't look after myself well enough, let alone look after you as well if you get sick."

"What's to eat?" I changed the subject.

"I made myself some noodle soup. There's some left over. If you don't like it, make something."

I decided to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich instead. Sure, I should be worrying about all the fat and all the sodium content, but I'm not going to yuppify my diet by eating bland and dreary diet rice crackers or no fat and all sugar diet snacks every day.

"Come and check my blood pressure after you finish washing up. I feel dizzy," mother blurted as I was rinsing the plates.

When I start work, the first thing I'm going to do is buy mother one of those new computerised blood pressure gadgets. You know, the ones where you put the sleeve on your finger and it does it all on it's own. I'm sick of playing doctor like this all the time. Yes, even before I start my collection of smutty DVDs

"Twelve over six," I told her.

"Six? No wonder I'm feeling dizzy...." she pops another pill in her mouth. I organised my drink for the evening and planned to retire to my room.

"Why don't you sit here with me and watch tv? The news is on now."

I don't like the news. In fact, I detest it, but I decided to sit with mother for a few minutes until the ad break, and then I'd escape.

In tonight's major story, Gunter von Grumph was found brutally mutilated in his house yesterday morning, the newsreader reported. Neighbours say he was a quiet, gentle man who kept to himself. "I can't believe it", said one neighbour, "it's the work of animals or Satanists... I think they should be killed for what they did to him..." The police are welcoming the public to come forward with any information ....

Ewwwww... yes, I hate the news, but this story just shocked me.

"See the sort of things that happen? That's why you should always be careful. You shouldn't trust anybody... "

"Oh, mother. That didn't happen anywhere near here, don't worry about it."

"Yes, but it might happen. You might come in one day and find me hacked to pieces and what would you do then?"

I really wasn't in the mood to contemplate any of it. The ad break started so I decided to leave her so she'd enjoy the rest of the day's news on her own.

It wasn't too cold according to my thermometer, but my feet felt a chill, so I switched the heater on for a few minutes.

After another couple of sneezes, I decided to jump onto the internet. Nothing from Tassy so I decided to write her the news of the day:

Tassy!
I saw him! I think he works there! I got very wet! I feel throaty!
How's your pussy?

:))

Barely midnight, but decided to jump into bed. Have to get up early in the morning to do some on line job hunting and, besides, my throat felt a bit sore and it would be wise to rest up. Just in case.

The working week started with the roar of engines next door. What a lovely way to wake on a dreary Monday morning! Especially seeing as I awoke when I was in the middle of a weird dream about flying dogs.

Monday morning. It's that time of the week that most people would be dreading - getting up to go to work. Even though I'm not working, it doesn't mean that I spend the whole morning in bed. Actually, there's probably a lot of jobs waiting for me, so I got up, had a quick breakfast and jumped onto the internet - the usual routine.

Looking for jobs on the internet is better than other means. Mostly it means not having to spent money on buying the newspaper and having to put up with the propoganda they print. Also, I apply via e-mail, so I don't have to phone them. I abhor the telephone, you see. I just hate the sound of my own voice.

There were some positions that looked interesting, there were some that I knew I'd never get, there were others that were typically suit and tie jobs I'd never bother applying for. In the end, I send my resume off to three ads of interest. A couple of part time positions - which would suit me perfectly and give me time to pursue my other interests, and a temporary one.

Hopping onto my internet, I discovered a message from Tassy:

Hey,

at work so must b quick.
Who did u c working where and as 4 the rest, not interested in your sex life this early in the morning.

T

Yes, how typical. I stuffed it up again. I'm not such a good communicator, am I? Had I been, I probably wouldn't have half the problems I have - with my mother, with my career, with my love life. Had I been half as ambitious as Tassy or half as competitive as my kindred, I wouldn't have anything to complain about; probably nothing to write about either.

Cough. Where did that come from? Better wear another layer.

Naturally, after business comes pleasure. After a typical morning of job hunting and e-mail, I brightened up my day by looking at some porn! Is there a better way to start the day? The few mornings I've spent unable to view my morning dose, have resulted in the most labourious days!

Thus, I downloaded the latest offerings from the newsgroups (I hadn't had much of a chance to look at yesterday's downloads as yet) and surfed to a couple of free sites I have bookmarked. How great it would be to be able to afford to subscribe to some of the better pay sites and not put up with the same crap that they've been posting for years on the free sites.

By the time I'd caught up and finished downloading for the day, I realised it was past midday and mother would probably be waiting for me to join her for lunch. I suppose it's nice for her to have some company every now and then, seeing as I spend most of my time in my room.

Lunch was nothing exciting, more leftover noodles from the previous day. I cook as does mother - we make lots to keep us going for a couple of days. There's nothing worse than having to cook several times a day!

"Did you put the extra blanket on last night like I told you?" Mother asked, slurping her meal.

"No, I forgot," I sneezed, sitting down commencing my meal. "It wasn't that cold."

"You're not planning on going walking today, are you?"

"Yeah, of course... if it doesn't rain, that is."

"But it's cold out there. You'll catch your death."

"I feel warm when I walk and besides, aren't you always telling me I should go out more?"

"Out of your room! I don't know what you do in there all day. You can sit with me here and watch TV or read something holy," she suggested. I just rolled my eyes. Religion seems to be her answer to everything.

I finished lunch before her, and had to wait for her to finish before I could get started on the dishes.

"I'm going to put a load in the washing machine," she said. "Bring me your dirty clothes."

Every now and then I go through phases of wanting to wear the same thing for weeks on end. No, make that months. I suppose it's a way to make me feel more impoverished so I'd think twice about spending money I don't really have. I really must do something about that credit card...

Looking outside the kitchen window as I was washing the dishes, I tossed up whether or not I should go on my walk today; whether or not it will rain again.

I decide to go because ... well... I just might bump into somebody special. Today might be the day. Yeah.

"If you're going to go by the shops," mother began - and I could see where this was heading. "Don't forget to buy some milk and a loaf of bread."

"Yes mother," I grabbed a few bucks and shoved them in my rain coat pocket.

It's been over a week, I thought as I was putting my walking garb on and grabbed my rain coat, just in case. Over a week since we last saw the sun brightly shining. Hope it's not going to be a harsh winter.

Winter is always difficult for mother. Her bedroom is cold. With her kidney problems, she's forced to get up several times a night, so she ends up feeling more of the cold. I did buy her an electric heater for her room back in the days of income, but she doesn't like to leave it on all night long. Who can afford to pay those massive power bills - not us, that's for sure.

A couple of winters ago, we had a terrible night when she had an infection. She was running a fever, shivering all over and could hardly move. I was petrified, assuming that this was the end. I called the doctor in the middle of the night and fortunately, after a few strong antibiotics and several days of rest in bed, she recovered. Even the doctor that night commented on the cold in her room and suggested she be taken to the hospital for observation, but she would not have a bar of it.

Her dislike of hospitals probably stems from an incident years ago, back when her problems first started and I was in high school. The doctor put her in and ended up performing a biopsy on her kidneys. She swears they botched it up and since then, her health has declined. I remember that she was in the hospital for months. Never did the notion that she wouldn't come out enter my head. Strange that.

I put my headphones on - if only to keep my ears warmer - and pressed the play button on my old portable CD player, as I whisked out the front door. Ah, the old CD player I bought with my first pay all those years ago. It drains batteries swiftly, but I recharge them. I would buy a newer, more economical model, if I could afford one, but for now, this one does the job.

Great... it's Riz Razzo's funky soundtrack to The Zom-Boners (you can just imagine what their favourite delicacy is!).

I walked down to the supermarket... but not via the main street - not past The Munch - but rather the side streets. It was nice and quiet so my music doesn't have to compete with the loud traffic.

I was close to my destination when I saw a guy. A jogger. He was wearing the shortest shorts and was topless - in this weather! I was left agog, my mouth probably open. He had a fine treasure trail leading down from his belly... mmmmm.. Nicely dusted leg hair and a smattering on his chest. Sure, I was staring, but didn't notice until he was close enough to give me a dirty look.

My heart dropped back into its place. Or even further down. Perhaps it was the clunk I just stepped on.

Get real, no hunk's ever going to look twice at you, except to have a go at you for staring at him.

The supermarket was full of the pension brigade, stocking up on their favourite laxatives which were on special.

The cashier who served me was a young guy - yeah, I always seek them out - with long, blonde hair and could pass for a girl from afar. The muscles in his forearms indicated that he's into some type of sport. Mmmm... hot sweaty guys in a change room...

I decided not to take the back streets on the way home. I'd risk going past the Munch.

Really, I think I'm getting a bit obsessed with hot guys! Wherever I look, they seem to be everywhere. Who knows if they can even imagine what I think about them? How even just one peek gets my imagination running wild and heart beating a wee bit faster. How it's been such a long time since I last had a fuck that I was clutching at straws, gritting my teeth and feeling more frustrated than a hapless virgin at her high school prom.

I have tried to control myself, to think about other things and keep my mind from wondering, but without a job to keep me busy, there's little I can do. I can honestly admit that I'm currently only living for my orgasms. At least one a day. It's the only thing worthwhile in like. Nothing else matters as long as I ejaculate at the end of the day. It's good for the prostate, they say.

My mind was elsewhere as I passed the Munch.

"Hey," somebody hollered. "Hey, you there."

I turned around, removing the headphones from my ears.

It was He: Diamond Eyes. I thought I'd melt, that my legs had turned to jello. "Yes? Who? Me?"

"Yes you. Errr... I think your friend left something behind the other day," he replied. "A pair of sunglasses."

"Tassy wasn't wearing any on Saturday," I said. "It wasn't a sunny day, after all."

"Oh..." he looked disappointed as he went back to clearing the tables outside. "Hey, didn't I see you walking by here the other day?"

"Yesterday. I was just going to see some friends," I lied, not wanting him to know that I don't really have any friends. Was he keeping an eye out for me yesterday? Hmmmm...

"Yeah, cool," he went to the next table and proceeded to clear and wipe it.

"You work here at the Munch?" I asked after what seemed to be a long silence.

"Yeah, only started last week, it helps pay the bills I suppose. I'm here mostly mornings, sometimes I stay all day on the weekends if it's very busy."

"Yeah. I'm sure that ol' Katie works your fingers to the bone..."

"She's ok. Where do you work?" Wow, he's interested in me... or is he just being polite?

"Oh," I stumbled, "I'm an unemployed pen pusher right now."

"Oh?" He looked up and our eyes met. I was mesmerised.

"Well, there are others better educated, more qualified and with more experience for the job," I explained, breaking our eye contact, feeling shameful and embarrassed about telling him this.

"I see..." He'd finished his work outside and I worried that he'd go back inside and that would be the end of our chat. Not that I'm very good at things like this...

"Hey, what are you listening to..." he pointed to my headphones, "errr... what's your name?"

"Milt," I answered.

"Interesting name. Hi, I'm Caleb." He held out his hand and we shook hands. My first contact with Caleb - will I ever wash this hand again?

Interesting name? I've always hated it. Hmmm... perhaps he is showing some interest in me after all... At least his name was sexy!

"So, Milt, what are you listening to?" Caleb asked.

"Oh, nothing that would interest you. A soundtrack CD of some tacky, z-grade film."

"They're cool films, dude. What's it called?"

"Ummm... Zom-Boner..." I blushed.

"Oh, I've heard of that one, I think... I really like that one... oh, what's it called... The Canni-Balls."

"Yeah, that's a real classic! I've seen it more times than I can count," I grinned.

"I hear the special edition will be out on DVD soon," he stated. I had no idea, but it's not the type of information I'd be chasing.

"I have a bootleg off some foreign tape which contains the 3 second suck shot before the first swallow," I boasted.

"Really? Cool, I'm sure it brings a new dimension to the whole film," he smiled.

"They don't make them like that any more," I couldn't help but use a tacky cliche. Honestly though, is life nothing more than a series of bad cliches?

"Except for Zom-Boner 2: Stone the Bone, of course!"

"Haven't seen that one," I said, slightly miffed as I thought I knew every film in the sub genre.

"It's fairly new, so that's probably why," he said, trying to make me feel better, no doubt!

I followed him back into the Munch like a lost puppy, which was getting ready to close for the day.

"Hey, you know what?" I began.

"No, what?"

"If you wanna see Zom-Boner, you can come over to my place and we can watch it together some time."

"OK, cool," he responded.

"Tonight?" I was getting excited but tried to act cool, not quite believing my luck.

"Yeah, sure."

"Great, I'll you see at...."

"Uh...no, I can't tonight," he interrupted, slapping his forehead. "I forgot I have to meet some friends and we're going to study together tonight."

"Oh, OK..." even if he was blind and couldn't see the disappointment in my eyes, he must have heard it in my voice. "I didn't know you were a student..."

"Yeah, just a part time arts course."

"Oh..."

Our silence was interrupted by the loud roar of thunder outside.

"Well, I'd better go home before it started pouring," I said, mournfully.

"Yeah, it's almost home time for me too. Gotta get home to get the place ready for tonight."

"And I'm going home to watch my soap opera..."

"Which one do you watch?"

"Lost Virtues. I only like the storyline with the horny virginal couple and the wicked wizard who's always trying to separate them -the rest is just soapie froth."

"Wow."

"At the moment, he's put a spell on the young couple as they're on a deserted island and as soon as his cock makes contact with her pussy, they'll both be turned into toads!"
 

Yes, I'm into this soap opera! I usually tape it during the week and have marathons of it during the weekend when there's nothing else to do. I momentarily forgot the loud roar of thunder, and we were chatting again.

"No way! Sounds wild! I'll have to keep an eye out for it." Great, imagine having this in common as well!

"Yeah, well, I'd better go. Bye." A clap of lightning brought me back to reality.

"See ya, dude," Caleb waved as I walked off.

And that was how our first chat went. Not too great, but it could have been worse. At least he likes the same sort of films I like.

Moisture on my face - rain - walk faster!

Of course, he doesn't have any interest in me. He could have rescheduled our date if he did, he was only being courteous. He probably thinks I've got some spunky younger sister for him to bonk. Ergh. Heterosexuals. Or he's got some nubile sister he's worried I'm going to deflower. Ergh again

Even with my rain coat on, I still managed to get wet. My legs were soaked and my feet were freezing.

By the time I'd gotten home with the shopping, I was sneezing. Not a good sign.

"Sneezing? Are you sick?" Mother asked.

"I think somebody cast their evil eye on me," I replied.

"Nonsense. It's all your doing," she looked at me cheerlessly.

I unpacked the shopping and did some tidying up.

"I'm not feeling too well so I'm going to go to bed," mother said.

"OK, I think I'll have a shower and have a nap to ward off this cold," I told her. I didn't want to get into what was wrong with her. Sometimes, it's just better not to know. Ignorance is bliss.

The shower was quick. I didn't even think about playing with my best friend. In fact, I even forgot to wash him properly as I was so keen to get out of the shower and into bed.

When I jumped into bed, I felt a throbbing head. Actually, two; I had a throbbing boner that wouldn't go away, so I turned onto my stomach and slowly started humping the sheets. It's something that usually helps me relax and sleep.

With a cough cough here and a sneeze sneeze there, and a nose that started running, I somehow managed to fall asleep.