by
Mark 'Ponyboy' Peters
Chapter Forty-Two
My phone was running hot, but I wasn't answering it. I just left it on the seat of my car and listened to it ring, over and over again, as I sat on the bonnet and watched the lights of our town twinkle below me from where I was parked at the lookout.
Raffa's words had left me gutted. There was no denying that. I know he was hurting, but . . . fuck it . . . didn't we love each other? Didn't we tell each other we were stuck with the other? Didn't that mean something?
After hearing those words earlier, I needed to get the hell out of there, despite what Antonio had said about letting Raffa settle down, so I did. And then I just drove and drove and drove, until I found myself here, looking down on the town as the skies changed colour and pinpricks of light began to slowly emerge from the shadows below.
I'd spent a lot of time this afternoon going over what Raffa had said and what it really meant. What if he couldn't walk again? What if he was going to be confined to a wheelchair? Would he be able to handle that moving forward? Fuck, would I be able to handle that?
As I thought about all the possible implications of what this would mean to us both moving forward, I had visions of him in a wheelchair. That would be difficult, I know. Not just for Raffa, but for everyone who loved him. But in that vision, I also saw myself there at his side. I saw myself loving him, whether he was able bodied or not, because ultimately it was the person to whom I was attracted; a thoughtful and kind human being who was always thinking of others. That time he saw me with Mike and Animal and then showing concern by sending me that message was at the top of my mind.
Maybe if I could talk to him Raffa would see reason. Or maybe not. Either way, I figured that would be something for tomorrow. In the meantime my phone just kept on ringing.
Eventually, just as my phone started ringing again, I grew tired of the annoyance and slid down off the bonnet of my car, before reaching inside and picking it up. Looking at the caller ID I saw that it was Leandro.
For a few moments I just stared at the screen, trying to decide whether I should answer it or not. In the end I thought, fuck it, and pressed the button.
'Hey,' I said.
'Dude, where the fuck are you? Everyone is looking for you!'
'Just taking a time out,' I said.
'What the fuck does that mean?'
'I . . . I just needed some time to think, that's all. I'm up at the lookout.'
'Right then.'
'Anything new from Raffa this afternoon??
'What did he say to you?'
'To me . . . not a fucking thing. I overheard him talking to your folks, telling them he wasn't going to walk again. He made it clear that he didn't want to see me.'
'So, what then? You just pissed off after that, without even putting up a fight or anything?'
'What?'
'You heard me. If you care for my brother like we all think you care for him, then you better fucking fight for him, don't you think?'
That comment stung. He was right of course. I shouldn't have just run off like that. It was simply a reflex reaction. And a gutless reaction at that.
Fuck!
'You still there, bro?' Leandro asked.
'Yeah. I'm here.'
'So, what are you going to do about it?'
'Yeah, I'll go and see him.'
'Do it. And do it right fucking now, okay?'
'Yeah. Okay, I will.'
'Attaboy,' he replied. 'I'll be seeing you.'
He disconnected after that, leaving me staring at the phone in my hand for a full minute before my brain finally clicked into gear.
Of course I needed to talk to Raffa, and it needed to be sooner rather than later. If I let this situation fester it would only get worse, and that was the last thing I wanted. If he truly didn't want to see me then he would have to tell me to my face, and even if he did, I wasn't going to just lie down and accept it. I was going to fight for him, because dammit, he was worth fighting for.
Before I could move from the spot I was rooted to, my phone rang once more. This time it was my father, which came as a bit of a surprise.
'Hey, dad,' I said as I answered it.
'Hey, bud. You okay? You've got everyone a bit worried you know.'
'Yeah, I'm fine. Just needed some space and some time to think.'
'We heard what happened at the hospital. Your mum has been talking to Katherine. She has been driving around town looking for you. Where are you?'
'Shit! I'm just hiding out . . . up at the lookout,' I replied.
'And how are you doing? Do you need someone to lend an ear?'
'I think I'm fine, thanks, but it's been kind of a rough day. I'm about to go down to the hospital again. I really need to talk to Raffa, and I'm not going to take no for an answer this time.'
'Okay then. I'll let mum know, but if you need us, you know where to find us,' he said, with just a hint of amusement in his voice.
'Thanks, dad,' I replied as I tried to smother a laugh.
After we disconnected I switched my phone over to silent mode, then got into my car and started it. There was someone I needed to talk to.
* * *
Hospitals can be strange and eerie places when you enter after dark. Technically it was still visiting hours, but the corridors were quiet and lights were dimmed in many places. As I walked down the corridors my shoes squeaked on the polished linoleum, no matter how careful I tried to be.
Passing the waiting room where I had spent so much time these past few days, there were a few people sitting around in there, no doubt waiting on people being seen to in the Emergency Department. I continued on and headed for the ICU and soon found myself at the first doorway, which was again standing open. When I reached the second door, I found it was also open, so I ventured inside.
A nurse noticed me as I entered and gave me a smile and a nod, then I took the few steps to the doorway to Raffa's room, where I found Leandro sitting in a chair beside a sleeping Raffa. He noticed me standing at the doorway then got to his feet and came to me, hugging me briefly, before stepping outside.
'Thanks for coming,' he said, quietly. 'The folks have gone home, now I'll go home too, and I'll leave you with him.'
'You think that's a good idea? What if he wakes up and freaks out when he sees me?'
'He won't do that. We've talked, and he knows he was being an arse today. He'll listen to you, I'm sure. Just don't . . .' he said, before stopping and looking back at his brother.
'Don't what?'
'I was going to say, just don't expect too much, at least not just yet. Okay? Just tell him how you feel, and I know he'll come around.'
'If you say so,' I replied, while gazing in through the doorway at Raffa's sleeping form.
When I felt his hand on my shoulder I looked back at Leandro and could see him also looking towards his brother.
'What else do I need to know?' I asked him. 'What did the doctors actually say? I didn't get that far earlier today.'
'He has no feeling in his legs, but the spinal injury isn't bad enough to have caused that. They think it’s only nerve related, possibly due to the swelling that is still there, and once that goes down then things are expected to get back to normal. They're also going to keep him strapped to that board or whatever it is for a little while longer, so he can't move his spine too much, at least until it starts healing.'
'And does he know all that?'
'Yes, but he's having trouble believing it and dealing with it. He's just thinking the worst. That's why it's important we don't give up on him, or let him give up on himself.'
'I'm not going to,' I said, as I studied Raffa once more. 'I've thought about it quite a lot today. I don't care if he is stuck in a wheelchair, I'll still be there for him.'
When I glanced back at Leandro I thought I could see a glint of moisture in his eyes, before moments later he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Nothing was said, but the simple nod of the head that he gave me said enough.
After taking one last look at Raffa, Leandro placed a hand on my shoulder and said, 'I'll leave you to it, then, eh? Just don't take any shit from him.'
'I won't,' I replied, then he left us, before I entered the room and sat down in the chair that was beside Raffa's bed.
Looking him up and down he looked so peaceful as he slept. I watched his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm, while I listened to his quiet breath with each inhale and exhale. The top half of his smooth, defined body was uncovered, while a blanket covered him from his waist down, which also covered some sort of frame that was over his broken leg. I guess that was so as to not weigh down on the pins and braces that were holding his broken leg together after having been patched up in surgery.
Beneath him I could see the board that Leandro had mentioned, along with the straps that were holding Raffa into it. That certainly couldn't have been comfortable for him.
Carefully reaching out to him, I took his right hand in mine and just held it for a few moments, before then leaning forward and gently kissing the back of his hand.
'I'm so, so sorry this happened to you, babe,' I whispered, as I brought his hand up to my face and held it against my cheek.
It was difficult enough dealing with the fact that this had happened at all, let alone dealing with the guilt I have been struggling with over the thought that I was the one who was responsible for Raffa suffering these injuries, even if it was indirectly. So, for that reason alone I was prepared to do whatever I could to help Raffa get over this hurdle.
'You know I heard everything you guys were saying, right?'
Snapping my eyes open and my head in the direction of his, I found him looking my way, with a pained grin on his face.
'Yeah, and I heard you earlier on today,' I shot back.
The grin became a grim straight line. 'I'm sorry about that. Apparently, I don't handle bad news very well.'
'You're forgiven, this time. But I hope you're not going to make a habit of it? Anyhow, when you said you didn't want me to see you like this,' I said, while waving my hand towards his battered legs, 'I had already seen all the damage, even before you'd woken up. I don't care if your body is battered and broken. It's the person I'm in love with, even if your body is pretty hot, current injuries aside.'
'And if I can't ever walk again? If I spend the rest of my life in a fucking wheelchair? What then?'
'Didn't you hear me that time when I told you that you were stuck with me? I meant it then, and I mean it now. Anyway, who's to say you're going to stay that way? Leandro said the doctors thought feeling would come back to your legs once the swelling goes down and the damage starts to heal.'
'I reckon they're just saying that to keep my hopes up.'
'For fuck’s sake, Raffa. Have a little faith! I have total faith in you beating this. You just need to give it a little time.'
He gave a sniff, as if he was holding back some emotion, but before long I notice a tear starting to trickle down his cheek. Leaning forward I kissed it away, before I then kissed his cheek, his forehead, and finally his lips.
'I love you, man. And I'm going to be right by your side, every step of the way.'
‘Thank you,’ he whispered.
* * *
Visiting hours were well and truly over when I finally left Raffa. The nurses had taken pity on me, I think, and had allowed me to stay a while longer, provided we were quiet. It helped that his room had a door that we could close, so thankfully our discussions and giggles and laughter went largely unnoticed.
As I walked to my car I was feeling far more optimistic about not only the recovery ahead for Raffa, but also about our relationship and where it might be heading. But even so, I knew there was a long way to go, for the both of us.
As soon as I walked through the back door at home that night my parents materialised at the kitchen door, their faces both showing concern.
‘Are you okay, honey? How’s Raffa?’ my mother asked.
‘So, you know what happened today?’
‘Yes, Katherine told me. We’ve been worried about you. You didn’t answer your phone all afternoon.’
‘Sorry, I just needed some thinking time.’
‘Did you go back to the hospital?’ dad enquired.
‘Yes. I’ve been there all night. The nurses bent the rules about the visiting hours. Raffa’s doing much better now. He’s not quite so down, but there’s still a long way to go.’
‘Of course. It’s going to take some time for him to adjust,’ mum added. ‘Have you eaten at all today?’
‘Starving. I haven’t eaten a thing since this morning.’
‘There’s some dinner in the oven for you,’ mum said, as she came and hugged me, then kissed me on the forehead.
To be continued . . .
Authors Note:
Hi there. It has been a while since I have posted anything new on Nifty. I guess life gets in the way sometimes.
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