Date: Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:49:58 -0700
From: Pete McDonald <bajabudfan@hotmail.com>
Subject: TIME TO SEE-20-

TIME-TO-SEE-20

Hugo had not ridden his bicycle from the townhouse to work before, but this
morning- this last day before we'd get the kids from the hospital- he
decided he would.

It would be a half-hour trek, but I supposed he had ample time, and there
was plenty of room on the side of the road to the hospital; so I really
shouldn't have worried, although I did wonder what might be going on with
him? Why would he want to ride his bicycle today? He knew that I didn't
mind driving him in.

Of course, Hugo couldn't drive.  That is, he didn't have a driver's
license, because in his illegal immigrant status, he wasn't permitted to
get a license. But he couldn't afford to buy a car either; so he had a
bicycle, and that had worked for him for the last six years.

*****

Tomorrow at eight a.m. we would be going to the boys' hospital together to
bring them home; so today was our last day as "single men," so to speak.
Maybe that had something to do with Hugo's curious independence: riding his
bicycle. I thought about it briefly, but then I didn't really know what was
going on; so I dismissed it?

*****

Hugo spoke continuously, stream of consciousness, in his mind like the rest
of us, but the world never had a clue about his inner concerns or of what
he said to himself.

*****

Hugo thought, "I'm even going to be early. Terrific. I haven't lost my
speed. Riding my bike today was just what I needed.  It makes me feel free
and able to take care of myself, and it keeps me from feeling trapped.  All
I do is work and work and work.  I wish that I didn't have to think about
work all the time."

"Jilder and I needed to eat, and we needed to have a place to live; I know
WHY I've been working so hard, but now I feel even more trapped. Why?... I
shouldn't."

"Everything has changed since I met Kevin, and in all ways for the better--
many nice things, but it's actually scarier for me than before; I can't
believe it! I'm worried all the time!"

Hugo peddled faster and faster and moved swiftly on his way to work. He was
an able, athletic rider, and he was making very good time.  His thoughts
turned over and over in his mind as he sped along, just as fast as his
bicycle wheels rolled over and over on the pavement:

"Oh, I fell in love with Kevin the first time I saw him, and I never had a
doubt all those weeks he lay unconscious, but now I worry about not being
able to please him by paying for the things Jilder and I need: like our
food, clothes, and now there's medicine... I worry about making him angry
because Jilder and Nicky and I are such a load on him."

Hugo looked over his shoulder quickly and then darted up onto a bike path
that stretched along part of his route to work. "I'm scared Kevin will get
angry with me after a while and want me and Jilder to leave..."

A pair of bikers passed Hugo going the opposite direction, and he had to
swerve to miss them because the path would barely accommodate three bikers
across. "And I'm worried sick all the time... "

"And now there's Nicky too..." Hugo slammed on his brakes at the street
crossing; his brakes squealed and he skidded to a stop just short of
tumbling into a lane of moving traffic on the boulevard.

But Hugo was deep in thought: "God I love that kid.  And he's a Gringo too!
What's come over me that I'm falling in love with all of these white guys I
meet?"

The traffic light signaled Walk; so Hugo road across the boulevard and then
re-entered the bike path on the other side.  "I don't want anything to
happen to Nicky.  How will I ever take care of all three of us if I have to
work and keep an apartment by myself?  I don't think I can do it... but I'm
going to work extra hours and try.  I'll see whether I can support all of
us: so if something awful happens...."  And Hugo's bicycle sped faster and
faster as the pace of his worry accelerated.

*****

Finally Hugo arrived at the hospital and with plenty of time to spare
before his day began.  He parked his bike; his mind slowed down, and he
walked to his locker in the hospital's Services Staff area.

"Alberto (He was my boss) came over to me and put his hand on my shoulder
turning me around to face him. He was really nice to me, helping me to
understand even though I couldn't hear him," Hugo thought.

Alberto was thinking: "Hugo usually gets what I mean if I just play
act. So, I'll point to the laundry cart and then at the clock.  Hugo knows
that it has to be rolled around to all of the floors for the morning
laundry, but he's got to get started..."

"I knew it was my job to do that right away, before anything else, like
before any other jobs. I SHOULD HAVE started on my own already...I don't
want Alberto to think that I'm lazy and forget when to get started. I don't
need to make more worries for myself."

"I pushed the cart out to the service elevators as quickly as I could.  But
when I got to the third floor, some nurse grabbed my arm and pulled me into
one of the patient rooms.  I looked around and saw an old man on the
floor. I guess he must have fallen down, and she couldn't pick him up, and
she had to be yelling because of the way she looked."

"Picking him up was no problem for me. The man was actually frail, but he
was dead weight; he didn't help move himself at all, but it didn't take me
long to get him back into his bed."

"It felt very good when the nurse gave me a hug and a little kiss on the
cheek to say thank you.  I know people touch me when they actually want to
talk to me. They know I won't hear; so they touch me instead.  A lot of the
time that's nice, but really I wish I could hear and talk to them... I
really wish I could hear..."

"With the man back in his bed, I gathered the laundry on the floor and got
it all down to the big hospital laundry room."

That place was always hot and damp feeling, which I didn't like.  I liked
to get in and out as quick as I could.  Next I had to pick up the laundry
from the other floors.  "It's late," I thought. "I really need to hurry; I
have so many other things to do today besides laundry."

*****

I was already in the service elevator going back upstairs when two nurses
got on, both talking together.  They rode up to the 5th floor, and I went
on to the 6th where I was gathering the laundry that the nurses had pulled
from the beds earlier.

While the nurses were getting off the elevator, one of them grabbed my hand
and put a piece of cake in it. She pointed to a badge on her sweater that
said Birthday Girl... I said, "Thank you."... the best I could... "Maybe
she understood... I hope so..."

On the 6th floor I went into an end room and found myself staring right at
one of the nurses who was stark naked lying on her back on the floor while
an orderly was fucking her!

"Now I am not bothered by seeing other people having sex," Hugo thought to
himself, but he turned quickly to leave!

"I was just surprised not so much shocked... I never knew what I'd see next
in that hospital. I didn't want to get into any trouble myself or to make
anybody mad; so I just turned around immediately and almost ran out of the
room.  I even left the floor taking only the laundry that I had gathered so
far.  I just wanted to get out of there."

Hugo hurried on to the service elevator, pushed his laundry cart in place,
and then poked the down button four or five times trying to make the
elevator start faster.  "Of course I won't let a single person know what
saw," I thought.


*****

I realized it was time for the physical therapy sessions that I had to help
with. I went back upstairs and met with the physiotherapists who ran the
program.

The therapist showed me how to walk with a young man who had surgery for a
soccer injury.  He was almost as big as me, but I allowed him to lean on me
while I walked up and down and he learned to walk again.  This part of my
job makes me feel good.  I feel like I'm really helping people to get well,
and it's different with every patient.

The people who work here are great, showing me how to do things knowing
that I can't hear their instructions.  I am so lucky to have so many really
good people in my life.

It seemed like I'd only just gotten started in physiotherapy when it was
noon, and I had to run down to the kitchen where I picked up food for the
new mothers' ward.  I bussed the food up to the nurses on the OB ward and
sometimes delivered individual dishes to the new mothers who had their new
babies in little beds next to them.  The new fathers were always pretty
funny looking: dark under their eyes, tired, like they had been awake all
night.  Probably they had been.

Then back to the kitchen for the food for two other wards.  I was only
responsible for food to three out of the twenty or so wards in the
hospital.  Feeding went on until around one thirty usually, unless there
was a special banquet in the dining hall that I had to help with.

Now, with lunch all done, there were the dirty dishes to collect and return
to the dish washing room.  That was another place in the hospital that I
hated to visit.  It also was hot and damp and smelled like garbage all the
time.

Sometime when I covered for somebody who was sick and worked there all day,
I smelled like garbage myself.... all over.


My hair smelled like garbage, my arms and hands smelled like garbage, and
they were red and raw from the scalding hot water.  Whenever possible, I
got in and out of the dish-washing room as quick as I could.  Today, I just
dropped things off and left.

Oh, yeah, the really worst job of all was doing the huge pots and pans. My
hands were stinging for days after just one shift on pots and pans.

Now it was clean-up time. Although I hadn't even eaten myself yet, it was
time to move on to the next job.

I doubled back to the main kitchen and grabbed some food that I thought was
good for me to eat, and then I took it out onto a little patio just outside
of the building, not far from the loading dock.

It was surrounded by bougainvillea and azaleas bushes with bright pink
flowers hanging from them in warm weather, and that was most of the
year. Not many people knew about this place; so I could eat without
worrying about a lot of other people around me.  And no one would be trying
to get me to do something else when I really needed to eat.  The patio was
nice and peaceful. I enjoyed being there.

Sometime I wished that I could just talk to somebody.  I felt lonely
sometimes, even when I was at work.  Not that there weren't people around.
It was just that I didn't feel close to them because I couldn't speak with
them or hear them speak. I think that is the most wonderful part of being
with Kevin.  We write all the time, and he takes as much time as I need to
really talk with me.  Then I don't feel like I'm alone.

"Should I dare to let myself think that maybe, just maybe I will be able to
hear some day, if I go through that operation the Research Group has for
me?" That scared me too.

I've survived by not thinking about bad things, or things needing to get
better.  I have survived by letting myself be happy with things however
they were.  I was healthy enough to work.  I had Jilder whom I loved and
was my reason for pushing on when I was too tired or ran out of money. So I
couldn't hear. So? What could I do about it? Nothing. Well, not until
now... (Maybe I ought to try the operation?)

Then, I began to think about Kevin and Jilder and Nicky all over
again... The thoughts ran around in my mind, and I just couldn't get them
to stop.

I thought, "Since Kevin and I started living together, life has been better
for me than it has ever been, and I realized that I really did want to
hear, and for life to get even better and better for me and Jilder and now
Nicky too."  Yet I was feeling afraid that things might get very bad again
too...

Now there's Kevin, and I know that I don't ever want to be away from him,
but I worry that I will do something that will make him angry with me, and
I feel dread that maybe I will do something bad.

Maybe I worry too much?  Kevin sure acts like he wants me to be with him,
and he really seems to love me too. But I still feel like I have to be
careful not to do something bad.

What would Jilder do if he didn't have me to take care of him-- so I'd
never even consider trying drugs?  No, I needed to be clean and able to
work to take care of Jilder.  And besides I didn't like the crack heads
I've seen.

Now, though, after his operation, Jilder won't need me to pay such close
attention to him-- maybe?  I hadn't thought about that before... But
there's Nicky now too. The two of them together will have things that
they'll want to do; so Jilder won't need me around him all the time.  And
Kevin wants to be with them both too when he can.  That might mean then we
could all have so much more fun together if I could hear; it could be so
much better for me too...

*****

I realized that I had to get moving.  Alberto would be looking for me to
start cleaning the bathrooms and the showers.  I had to do them in order,
and he knew how long it takes; so he would look for me around the half-way
place to see whether I needed more cleaner, soap, or toilet paper.  If I
didn't get them done, I didn't get to leave on time; so I learned to work
quickly.

I put on rubber gloves and used the spray bottles and sponge mops plenty
fast.  I WAS going to be out of there by three P.M.... especially today,
because today I was going to start my 3 overtime hours down in the kitchen
where the cooking was going on.

The cleaning done and all of my material returned to the storeroom, I ran
down to the chef's office.

*****


Chef Papas took a pad from his desk and wrote. "Good to see you, Hugo.
We're starting tomorrow's menus. Take this list and get these vegetables
from the walk-in refrigerator; then start cleaning them outside on the
cleaning table like I showed you last week.  I'll be out in a while to see
if it's going OK."

I nodded and took the piece of paper from his hand.

"Six bushels of broccoli, three bushels of tomatoes, two bushel of onions,
four bushels of romaine lettuce, four bushels of cauliflower, six bushels
of white potatoes, and a three small baskets of cucumbers."

It took me a while to move all of that food out to the cleaning area.  Then
I had to turn on the water that irrigated the cleaning table where I'd wash
and trim each piece.

I wondered whether I'd have to do all the cleaning by myself, but in a few
minutes two women joined me and started picking up the vegetables, trimming
and washing them too, and tossing them into large steel bowls that they'd
brought with them.

I could tell that they were speaking with each another, but when they first
walked out where I was bringing in the veggies, they smiled and moved their
lips like they were saying hello.  I smiled and nodded back, but I wouldn't
be talking with them.  It did feel better to be working with somebody else
present, rather than being out here alone, even if I couldn't talk to them.

This work was not too tiring.  And it was sort of nice to be outside in the
fresh air.  The women would carry the stainless steel bowls into the
kitchen as we filled them, then return with empty ones that would have to
be filled again.

After what seemed like no time, Senor Papas, came up to me and indicated
that I should go back to his office, which I did.  When we got there he
started using his pad and pen to talk to me again.

"Hugo, everyday you will have different jobs around the kitchen, but you
are a fast learner and a fast and very good worker.  I'm glad you want to
work here.  I hope you will be happy.  I will turn in your hours to payroll
every night.  Don't forget: you HAVE TO sign this card with your name and
hours worked on it everyday; so you get paid for the correct hours each
payday."

And with that I was free to leave for the day.

I had parked my bike back near the patio where I ate lunch; so I jumped on
it and started back home.

It was around 7:30 pm and well after dark by the time I got home. But I was
already looking forward to being with Kevin and going to the hospital with
him to visit the boys.  It had been a long day, but I think I've found that
I can do it-- work the extra hours-- survive -- if Kevin made me leave.

And I also know that I do really want to have the operation to get my
hearing back... and I pray to God that He will let me hear again... that
would be so wonderful...  And I have to remember to ask God to help me work
hard so that Kevin will not want to send me and the boys away...


*****

Kevin thought, "As soon as I saw Hugo I felt as though my day had finally
begun.  Being around Hugo had become the central reality of my life.
Everything else was there to make being with Hugo possible.  There was
nothing more beautiful, for me, than the time we were together. Even when
we are not able to write or talk together, when we were only doing chores
together, like shopping or cleaning the house, or doing something for the
boys, life was for living with Hugo..."

I can't imagine what I'd do if something were to happen to him.  It's
embarrassing maybe, but my life is more wonderful than I ever remember it,
since it now provides the opportunity to be with Hugo...  And, yes, I have
to admit, to a significant degree, life's worth is connected to those two
kids that have arrived under Hugo's benevolent wing.  They are like an
extension of his love that was manifest, that acquired substance, from the
beauty of the love that he radiates.  And I feel his love all the more when
I'm with the boys.

I heard him storing his bike in the garage and stumbling over the junk I
had strewn all over the place.  Maybe he can transfer some of his neatness
and simplicity to me by osmosis or something. God forbid I should have to
work "and get my act together" when it comes to tidiness.

When Hugo came through the garage door he headed directly to me over in the
breakfast nook.

I held up a pad for him to read. It said, "Hi! Babe. I missed you ALL DAY
LONG...  Are you hungry?"

He grabbed the pad and went to work immediately, "Oh, you don't KNOW how
hungry I am... Today was busy as usual.  Plus I worked those extra hours I
told you about, which means I'm really, really hungry."

I took the pad and wrote, "Can I interest you in going out to eat at Coco's
again, on our way to the hospital?  (My treat. :-) We can catch up on the
day's doings, eat, and get over to the hospital more quickly if we don't
take time to cook here.  There'll be plenty of time to enjoy our home
cooking after we have the little rug-rats at home."

Hugo read what I'd written and laughed at what I'd said.  He underlined
"rug-rats" and wrote, "I've never heard of that... the boys do act like
little rats sometime, the way they run around and play with things... Why
the "rug" part though?" He asked.

"Oh, I don't know, " I wrote back, "It's because they're little and down on
the floor where the rugs are... you know, down under your feet making
everything more difficult..." I smiled.

"Oh!" he wrote back.

"Well, let's get our asses outta here," I wrote.  "Time is rushing by.
We'll be lucky to get to the hospital by 9 o-clock.  I'll bet those boys
are both having a cow wanting us to hurry up and get there..."

Hugo leaned over and pulled me up from my seat. He embraced me in his arms
and pulled me close to his big bear-like body and kissed me on the neck,
and then grabbed my hand and pulled me behind him toward the garage.  I was
in no hurry to do anything in particular now that I was with Hugo.

*****

We walked through the doors in the boys' ward and were greeted by both of
them sitting in some chairs in a reading area near the door.  They had on
slippers and pajamas, their hair was neatly combed (Well, in Nicky's case,
his hair wasn't so much combed as looking shiny and fluffy all around his
glowing face.)

They both looked freshly showered and very neat and well-groomed in
general.  I could see that they were all ready for us and eager to plan
their escape.

"Ho, ho," I said as I walked in, "Look who's all ready to blow this place,
Hugo. I think we have ourselves two very cooperative passengers.  I wonder
whether they have their things packed and ready to leave first thing
tomorrow?"

"Yeah, we're packed and ready," Nicky said.  "I got two boxes from the
nurse and Jilder put his stuff in one of them, and I've used the other one.
Do you want to take them out tonight?" Nicky asked.

"Well, I think we ought to wait until you're sure you have everything
tomorrow.  Will you be ready by 8 in the morning?" I asked.

"Yeah, but what do you want me to put on?" Nicky said.  "I don't have
anything to wear.  I came to the hospital in pajamas, you know..."

"Oh, yeah," I replied remembering the bags and boxes in the back of the
SUV.  "Suppose I go down to the car and get the stuff you guys will need to
get dressed tomorrow.  You can put it near your beds tonight; then in the
morning, you'll have it to put on right away when you wake up."

Jilder said, "Good. Do you want me to go down and help you?"

"Well, I don't think the doctor or the hospital would like that; so how
about I go by myself.  You'll have to store the stuff under your beds
tonight for tomorrow," I replied.

Hugo pulled out his pad and wrote, "We want you to be all ready to go at 8,
when we get here."

"We're ready NOW!" Jilder wrote back to Hugo in reply.

"Yeah! But Dr. Gilmer says tomorrow." Hugo answered.

"Ooooh..Kaaay..." Jilder wrote.

"Did you talk to Dr. Gilmer today?" Hugo asked and showed the pad to both
of the boys.

"Yeah.  He came in just before supper and asked us how we are doing.  I'm
doin good, and Nicky is still having pain in his side, but both of us are
still good enough to go home I told him...," Jilder wrote.

"I'm sure he appreciated your opinion," Hugo answered in writing.

Nicky wrote, "I'm not real bad, but sometime I get pain in my right side
still like I told you before, and I have to lay down until I feel better."

"That's ok." Hugo wrote. "You must not force yourself to do things if you
are hurting... Promise me you won't push yourself to move around or stay up
when you really need to lie down and rest... and maybe even sleep, if
that's what you feel like doing."

"Just because you are leaving the hospital doesn't mean you are healed.
Your body has a lot of work to do, and we need for you to cooperate with
it," Hugo said.

"Yeah." Jilder wrote. "We understand."

Then with no transition or preliminary conversation Jilder wrote, "Do you
think we could get Nicky a PSP-3000?"

Nicky said, "JILDER! Not now... They need to think about getting us home. I
don't want to bother them with that!" He was clearly mortified and
unprepared for Jilder's candid frontal approach to what was on their
collective mind.

I picked up on just a part of the conversation when I walked back into the
ward from the car with the bags of clothes.  "What's that about PSP?" I
said.

"Oh, nothing," Nicky replied quickly trying to do damage control.

Not to be daunted until he'd met substantial resistance Jilder repeated,
"Yeah, Kevin, do you think Nicky could get a PSP too. He is learning to
play Ghost Centurion-Predators and needs time to practice on his own.  But
I want to practice too at the same time.  We could really use TWO of them."
Jilder repeated matter of fact.

Nicky looked at Jilder and betrayed with his expression that he was
painfully self-conscious and feeling like he wanted to drop into the earth
with no trace of his person left to attract attention, criticism, or
rejection.

"Well," I said, "I think that Nicky DOES need his own PSP, and I think that
one of the things we can do tomorrow is visit a Best Buy's store to get one
for him.  I think we can afford one more of those things this month."

"Yeah!" Jilder said.  "See, Nicky, you just gotta ask.  Sometime it's
possible if you just try."

Nicky was visibly relieved and all smiles at the thought of his very own
PSP that he will be able to go on line with using the wifi at home and to
engage Jilder in war games... Good grief.  What happened to REAL "go out
and play" affairs, I wondered.

Both boys were truly happy now, and they both started going through the
bags pulling out the jogging pants and the shirts and packages of underwear
and socks, and so on.

"Wow.  Look at all this stuff," Nicky said clearly very happy with his new
clothes.

Jilder looked pleased with the jogging pants but looked puzzled with the
plaid flannel shirts. "What are these for?" Jilder asked referring to the
shirts.

"Well, they're to cover your steel reinforced chests without making you
spread your arms a lot, which I don't think you're ready to do."

"If you had cool Megadeath Sweatshirts, they'd be hard for you to put on
right now. We'll wait on the pullover stuff until I'm sure that you can
actually put it on and get some wear out of it," I said.

"Oh, all right," Jilder conceded that my argument made sense.  "And what
about some shoes?" he asked.  "We can't wear these paper slippers, you
know."

"Yeah.  Take a look at these Nike's," I said, and I pulled out the boxes of
cool white shoes with the wide black swath across the top.

"Oh, yeah!" Jilder called out the instant he saw them.  "Them are cool!"

"THOSE are cool," I corrected.

"Yeah!" Jilder replied ready to say anything to get his hands on those
shoes.

"Okay, guys. You can try on the shoes, if you want, but let's leave the
other stuff for dressing tomorrow morning.  And remember, we want you ready
to go by the time we get here at 7:45 in the morning," I reminded.

"Oh, sure," Nicky assured me.  "I'll make sure Jilder is ready to go on
time too.  That way we'll have plenty of time to go to Best Buy's..." These
guys didn't miss ANYTHING... I only hoped that their dedication and
astuteness would extend to their school work.

And so the evening wore on until it was quite late and both boys were
exhausted with planning their leaving the hospital tomorrow morning.  Both
of them said that they wanted to tell this person or that one "good-by".
And their list was surprisingly long for two (What I considered
scatter-brained, pre-pubescent-adolescents)...

Was I being un-necessarily harsh on the boys? I thought not, but I realize
that an outsider might think me so.  And thus I will hasten to add that I
was probably happier than EITHER of them that they would be coming home
with us tomorrow.  I loved them both immensely, and looked forward to their
presence at home with Hugo and me as much as they wanted to be there-- or
needed to be there-- or any combination of the two possibilities.  Love has
no boundaries or borders, and these boys had unlimited access to my heart.

Hugo was more tired than I.  He was the first to stand up and point to the
clock and the front door.  Jilder rose and went to Hugo and gave him a
heart-felt hug and Nicky was right behind him with one that lingered so
long that I wondered whether he might not be feeling especially frightened
of the changes about to take place tomorrow.  Hugo calmed Nicky's stormy
seas with his endless patience and his unhurried, loving embrace. He kissed
Nicky on the forehead, wiped his hand through Nicky's hair, and never
released him, but waited until Nicky was ready to leave his arms and moved
away of his own effort.

Just watching this marvelous family with mutual caring so evident made me
feel like I'd been given the greatest privilege of which I could hardly
believe I was worthy.

And we left one another with anticipation of our being together in the
morning.

"Good night, Kevin."

"Good night, Hugo" the boys said.

"Good night, Nicky."

"Good night, Jilder" we answered.

"I love you."

*****