Date: Sun, 20 Dec 2020 15:28:34 -0500
From: mr.evan.andrews@gmail.com
Subject: An Outlaws Christmas - celebrity

An Outlaws Christmas
Evan Andrews
2020


Some folks have told me they miss my superhero stories, so here is one to
tide you over until I get back to that genre.

Have a Merry Christmas, or a Salacious Saturnalia, or a kick-ass whatever
floats your boat.


This is a fan fiction.

The characters depicted in it belong to and are trademarked and copyrighted
by DC Comics and/or its subsidiaries. I am not related to the company and
make no claim of ownership over the characters.

It is set before Red Hood and Arsenal joined forces. Don't ask me in which
DC continuity because I've given up trying to keep track of the retcons. Or
the retcons within retcons.

This story should in no way be considered a true representation of the true
sexuality of the characters.

The story depicts males in sexual situations with other males. If that
offends you, if you are underage, or if reading such is illegal where you
are please stop reading now. Thank you.

If you enjoy this story, or even if you hate it, please contribute to
keeping Nifty going at http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

A brooding young man in black clothes sat astride a black bike in the dark
alley across from the bank. The only touch of color was the red bat
emblazoned across his chest and the red cowl that covered his head. The
weather was frightful—the perfect cover for doing no good—and it
fit. Few of the young man's Christmas Eves had ever been jolly. Apparently,
though, not everybody had such glum associations with the day.

Every Christmas Eve for the past five years, a major bank in and around
Dark City had been hit by a band of expert thieves. They bypassed the most
sophisticated electronic security systems, picked every lock, and cracked
unbreakable safes before making away with—no, not the money. Never
anything as simple as money. This gang targeted safety deposit boxes and
had had acquired an eclectic assortment of prizes in their punctiliously
punctuated career. Neither the banks nor the police were certain what
exactly had been taken because the victims had been surprisingly reticent
about details. As a result, what and how much the crooks had actually made
off with remained a mystery.

Well, the man in black, Jason Todd, the notorious Red Hood, had decided
that this year things were going to go down differently. To that end, he'd
hacked into the computer in the Batcave using a backdoor he had set up
years before—just in case—and the computer had thought for only a
minute before spitting out the name of this bank as the gang's next likely
target. So, here he was, freezing his balls off, waiting, and waiting, and
waiting. This doing good stuff was uncomfortable but fuck it. He was here
to catch a bad guy.

The bank itself was a 1930s building that had been gutted sometime in the
90s so that its federal facade could house a modern financial
cyber-monster. Unlike most modern financial institutions, though, it
retained the circular clock jutting out in front. Jason watched, patiently,
as the hands slouched slowly towards midnight. He must have been too intent
on the street because unexpectedly a hand touched his shoulder. He leapt,
turned, drew, and saw what he first took to be an elf escaped from the
North Pole. Except the elf was like six feet tall, and elves wore green,
didn't they? Not red? Who the fuck wore all that red? Then it clicked, and
he realized he was looking at one of Nightwing's old friends, a former Teen
Titan, Speedy, who was now calling himself Arsenal.

Arsenal wore nothing more than a sleeveless red body suit and baseball
cap. Jason appreciated the blatant "fuck you" to the weather, but damn how
was this guy not a herocicle? Tattoos wrapped sinewy arms, and red hair
escaped from under the cap making the hero look more disreputable than
Jason himself. He held a bow in his other hand, and a quiver of arrows hung
over his shoulder.

"Dammit," Jason thought, "This guy is not going to fuck up my redemption
storyline."

"What are you doing here, Red?" Jason whispered, husking like Batman.

"Probably the same thing you are," Arsenal said with a smirk, "I'm here to
catch the Christmas Eve Gang in the act, and I'm guessing you are too."

"And what makes you think they're going to hit here?"

Jason was pissed off, and he didn't try to conceal it.

"Easy," said Arsenal flippantly, "I asked Nightwing. He's bright that
way. He told me that you'd been at the Batcomputer and that I should expect
to find you here."

"Fuck. Don't tell me..." Jason started.

He was not about to put up with Mr. Knight in Shining Armor horning
in. This was Jason's case and his alone.

"Don't get your boxers or briefs in a twist," Arsenal cut him off, "Our
mutual friend, like so many other big name heroes, has another appointment
tonight. This is all small potatoes, not something to interest the guys who
get their names on the cover."

"Yeah, that sounds right," said Jason.

"After all, so long as they have folks like you and me to step into the
breach, why sweat the small stuff," said Arsenal, "Plus, Nightwing guessed
you wouldn't appreciate him dropping in. So, whaddaya say. Can you use
backup tonight?"

Jason didn't know whether to go hunt down Nightwing and slap his
condescending face into the next issue or to be glad that this grinning
ex-sidekick hadn't said partner.

Suddenly the sweet sound of sleigh bells floated down towards them,
interrupting the conversation. A vintage red Impala convertible with the
vanity plate NPOLE5 flew down out of the sky and landed right smack dab in
front of the bank—in the handicapped space no less. Flew. Where the hell
did these goons get a flying car? The car's headlights flashed as the
anti-theft system kicked in. Five guys that looked like they'd escaped from
some college frat hopped out of the car and headed straight for the front
door. Jason thought for only a second before deciding that two to five was
better odds than one to five.

"Sure," he whispered, "Keep up and keep close."

When Jason looked back at the bank, one of the gang members already had the
door open—no alarms tripped, no lights flashing, no horns
blaring—nothing. He held the door and followed as the rest slid quietly
into the building.

"Dammit, Red, how did he do that so fast?"

"Call me Roy—at least when we're alone. And I have no idea how
superpowers work. Maybe he's just a wizard at opening things like I'm a
wizard with the bow and arrow and Batman's a wizard at spending billions to
look all dark knight."

Jason glowered, but Roy said, "Look are you going to just angst over
whatever beef you have with the Bat Family, or shall we stop this robbery?"

"You're right. Robbery, then angst," Jason said, "Let's go."

Together the young heroes charged across the street and into bank. The
lockpick slash safecrack guy—or whatever he was—was already at work
on the vault. Beside him stood a guy with some of scroll. The other
three—one big and muscled, one wiry (the driver), and a last one sort of
run of the mill who seemed to be fascinated by the bank's cheap artificial
Christmas tree—stood back in reserve. In the interior light, Jason could
make out that they wore the usual dark trousers, but instead of sweatshirts
they had ugly Christmas sweaters and red, white, and green knit caps sat on
their heads. Oh, and the caps had reindeer antlers on them. Jason rolled
his eyes. He supposed it was no worse than cats or birds, jokes or riddles,
but damn college boys.

"Well, well, well," Jason said clearly in his menacing Red Hood voice,
"What do we have here?"

The gang froze, except for Safecrack Guy. Slowly they turned to look at
heroes. Three kept straight faces, but the one with the scroll suddenly
broke into a wicked smile.

"I might ask you the same thing," Scroll Guy said, "Let's check."

The scroll, well, scrolled between his hands and came to a sudden stop.

"Why I do declare," he said, "Jason Todd, aka the Red Hood. You've been a
very naughty boy—no, don't argue; we both know it's true. There's going
to be a lump of coal in your stocking for sure."

"Oh come on," Roy said, exasperated, "Cut the visit with Santa crap."

He had his bow drawn and already had a bead on Scroll Guy.

"Drop your shopping list," the red archer said, "And all of you get your
hands in the air."

"Yes, and Roy Harper," Scroll Guy continued, "Not so naughty as Jason here,
but going by your past, I say just give it time and you'll be giving him a
run for his money."

He looked down at the scroll again, "Interesting. You have you been busy
little bees, haven't you?"

"And we're about to be busier," said Jason, "We're here to put an end to
your crime spree. Your bank robbing days are over."

"How adorably noble. A pity you won't be able to make good on the threat."

Jason and Roy, menacingly, took a further step into the bank, and Scroll
Guy said, "Decker, would you?"

The guy by the Christmas tree waved a hand, and the heroes froze in place.

"Got them, Lister," Christmas Tree Guy, Decker apparently, said.

"What the fuck!" Jason swore.

It wasn't that Jason couldn't move, but he just didn't want to, at least
not towards the robbers. There was something more important he had to do,
not that he knew precisely what it was.

"Language," Scroll Guy said with a smile, "But I suppose old habits are
hard to break."

"Hood," Roy said, "What's happening?! I can't move!"

Decker smiled wickedly and said, "Just a little holiday magic. Look where
you are."

The heroes looked up at the ceiling where festoons of holly drooped. Right
in the middle of the entranceway, right over top of them, hung a big bunch
of mistletoe.

"Kisses, anyone?" Decker said.

Kiss, yeah that sounded perfect.

Jason turned and found himself suddenly wrapped up in Roy's lanky
arms. Clearly Roy had reached the same conclusion. The red archer ground
against Jason's body, breaking off only long enough to dispose of Jason's
cowl. As the cowl struck the ground Jason' shaggy head of fine red hair
came into view, and the two heroes fell into a kiss. Roy kept his mask, but
his cap fell off as their kiss deepened, leaving his own red hair
free. There was nothing in this kiss as innocent as a family Christmas get
together or office Christmas party mistletoe kiss. The magic, if that's
what it was, coursed through them, and they found themselves caught up in
the most passionate liplock that either could remember.

"Damn, Hood," Roy panted when they momentarily came up for air, "I never
knew you had it in you."

"Shut up and show me how you can use that tongue, Arse," Jason ordered.

Wait, had he just said that? Where had that come from? But it didn't matter
because they were at one another again, kissing like it was going out of
style.

The gang, all of them now that Safecrack Guy had finished, stood around
them staring at the show.

"Good work, Decker," Lister said.

"Thanks, Lister," Decker said as he rubbed at his crotch, "Let's just say I
was inspired."

"Yeah, you and your internet porn fixation..." said the Big Guy.

"And your candid superhero nudies," said the driver.

"Can it, Toys," Lister said, "You too, Sleighride. In'n'out, are we clear
to go?"

"We are if you can tear yourselves away from gawking at Romeo and Julio
there, yeah," the safecracker said.

"Okay then. Gang, let's do it."

Four of them immediately headed for the vault, but Decker grinned one more
time and said, "Yeah, tear away. That sounds a great idea."

His eye twinkled, really twinkled, and Jason and Roy suddenly found
themselves tearing at one another's' clothes, desperate to get their
costumes off.

"Wow," Jason thought as he slid Roy's jumpsuit over his hips, "Who knew
that that red suit was hiding such a sexy beast."

Their clothes hit the floor only a moment before they themselves did. Their
kiss lasted only a moment longer before the now naked Roy wriggled out of
Jason's embrace and twisted round.

The redhead grabbed himself a fistful of Jason's prick, and the dark hero
thought, "Fuck, he's really going to..."

"Aaaaaah!" Jason cried as Roy swallowed Jason's length with what actually
was professional skill.

Jason thrilled at the all but electric shock that ran from his piss-slit
all the way up to his cranium. Roy's mouth felt so good, and his
cock-sucking skills were incredible. It was as if he didn't need any
magical aid to amp up his prowess. The one-time junkie rent boy had broken
free of whatever corner of Roy's mind he'd been relegated to and took
charge with decision. The red archer slammed his face up and down on
Jason's steel-hard cock while the dark hero moaned and writhed under the
assault.

Not that that lasted, of course. The mistletoe's magic didn't allow the
congress to remain one-sided. Jason stared at Roy's bobbing cock and knew
he had to get a taste for himself. The fact that he'd never done anything
like this was immaterial. He steadied the rod of man-meat and guided the
fat head into his mouth. Wow. The taste. The taste was like nothing Jason
could have expected, and he loved it! He had to have more, and he knew the
way to get it was to get down to some serious sucking. He took stock of the
way Roy was sucking him and did his best to follow suit.

Even though sucking dick was foremost in their minds, they could also hear
Lister in the vault.

"That one there," the brains of the gang said, "That guy's been naughty as
all get out. And that one there. Sweet St. Nicholas, the naughtiest people
use this bank."

After a half hour of identifying and opening boxes, the Christmas Eve Gang
emerged with bags slung over their shoulders like preppy Santas heading out
to the Impala They stepped around the frantic sixty-nine to do so, but when
they came back in they found their obstacle had changed. The mistletoe had
upped the ante on Jason and Roy once again, and the heroes were eating out
each other's butt-holes.

"I can see where this is heading," Lister said, shaking his head, "Decker,
can you get them to the next level while we finish up in the vault?"

"No sooner said..." Decker said, waving his hand again.

The heroes flipped once more, but this time Roy found himself on all fours,
his chest and face pressed to the floor, while Jason got up on his toes. He
rolled back his foreskin and pressed the head of his cock against Roy's
anal pucker.

"Give it to me, Hood," Roy whimpered, and then he squealed as Jason's rigid
length began to invade his guts.

"Yes!" Roy screamed, "Like that! Fill me up, Hood! Fuck me!"

Jason didn't need to be told twice. In truth under the influence of the
mistletoe he didn't even need to be told once. He never knew it could be so
hot to have Roy underneath him begging to be fucked into the new year.

Decker giggled and said, "Have fun, boys," before running off to help
secure a second load.

When the robbers came out of the vault for the second and last time, the
heroes had flipped once more. Jason was now on his back, his legs spread
wide, and Roy was on top, fucking him deep and kissing him hard. Lister
looked at the scroll and shrugged.

"Well, I didn't see that coming," the robber said, "I took Jason to be top
all the way."

"Oh, fuck," Jason moaned, proving how wrong Lister had been, "Fuck me,
Arse! Yeah, just like that. I'm so close... So, argh!"

"Well, if we hang around we'll see them both cumming," Toys, the big guy,
said, bored by the attention the heroes were eliciting, "And the cops
too. Can we just get out of here?"

"You're right," Lister said, "Go get everything stowed, and, Sleighride,
you get the car warmed up. Decker and I need to make sure these two are not
in any position to follow us."

Packs were transferred, and Toys, In'n'out, and Sleighride left the
building.

"Decker, can you come up with something effective, but festive?" Lister
said.

Decker looked up at the rest of the garland, grinned, and said, "Brother,
just leave it to me."

Lister walked out, and Decker waved the garland into motion. It looped as
it fell and landed on top of the heroes as a net. The mistletoe fell with
it, too, suddenly freeing the heroes free of its merry control.

"Wha..." Jason said, realizing fully at last where he was and what he was
doing, or at least what was being done to him. Then he cursed, "Damn it,
Arse, get your cock out of my ass!"

"Fuh, fuh, can't!" Roy gasped, either he was still under the influence or
he was just putting on a good show.

"Must... fuck.. cumming!" and that said, Roy's cock sprayed his load into
Jason's raw hole.

"Oh, fuck!" Jason cried.

The pulsing of Roy's cock had pushed just the right button, and Jason's
dick let loose its own spew of jizz painting both his chest and Roy's
belly. Lying there exhausted, they glanced up groggily at the remaining
robber who tightened the net with a twiddling of his fingers.

"Sorry to do this, boys," Decker said as he made for the door, "But that's
how the Christmas cookie crumbles. Hey, In, can you set off the alarm
now?!"

"Done," came the reply from just outside just as the bells began to clang,
"Now get your fa-la-la-la-la ass out of here so we can leave."

Decker nodded to the heroes one last time and pulled off his knit cap.

"Give our best to the coppers when they show up!" he smirked and slipped
out.

The Impala revved up with the sound of sleigh bells, and if you listened
hard you could make out the cry as it took to the air.

"And to all a good night!"

"Pointed ears," Roy said when the sleigh bells could no longer be heard,
"That guy had fucking pointed ears."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious. I bet they all do."

Roy looked stunned for a moment and then shook his head and said, "Okay,
Santa's elves. I'll scream later. Right now, do you have some way to get
loose from a net like this? Some secret technique you learned from Batman,
or from Ras al-Ghul, or from whatever super-secret ninja academy you were
at? `Cause I'm not eager to face the police right now, especially not naked
and in this compromising position."

"Give me a minute."

"I just hope we have one."

Jason called on every contortionism and yoga trick he'd ever learned trying
to reach his belt where it lay on the floor.

"Uh, Jason," Roy said, "You squirming around is getting Little Roy all
worked up for a second round, just in case you hadn't noticed. We don't
really want round two just now, do we?"

"Yeah I had noticed Little Roy," Jason said, "Keep your pants on."

"I think it's a bit too late for that piece of practical advice," Roy said,
his humor suring back into place.

Jason managed to extract a knife from his utility belt and twisted his
wrist to get the blade in position to make the first cut in the net.

In the distance, they could faintly hear police sirens.

"Uh, Jason," Roy said.

"Got it!" Jason said as he made a few more strategic cuts, "Now push!"

Twisting and straining, the two heroes were soon able to wriggle out of the
scratchy net.

"Ouch and dammit," Roy said.

"Screw the ouch," Jason said, "Let's get out of here!"

They grabbed their clothes off the floor and rushed out the door into
December night.

"Fuck!" Jason cursed as he stumbled across the freezing asphalt in bare
feet, "I'm going to freeze out here!"

"My van's parked a block over, at the other end of the alley. Let's grab
your bike and head for it."

They stormed into the alley where Jason stopped by his bike. He started to
straddle it, but Roy held up a hand.

"Look," Roy said, "You try to ride off on that with no clothes on, and
while you might outrun the cops you'll definitely need the Lazarus Pit
again. Get that thing rolling and follow me."

The way Roy was suddenly taking charge stuck a "Yes, Batman" chord with
Jason. He got the bike off its kickstand and pushed it after the retreating
redhead. Around the corner, he found Roy standing beside a non-descript van
having just opened the rear doors. The van's vanity plates read "Speedy" of
course. No ego problems with this guy.

"Get it in," the red archer said as he clambered into the van, "I'll get
the heater going."

It took a moment, but Jason got his bike up into the back and pulled the
doors closed just as police cars pulled up at the other end of the
alley. The cars emptied, and a dozen boys in blue charged into the bank.

"Get us out of here, Roy," Jason called, and Roy stepped on the gas.

Jason got his bike strapped down—he didn't want to ask why Roy had all
these straps in the back of his van—and joined the now maskless Roy up
front, taking shotgun. Warm air blew out of the vents, and Jason finally
started to thaw and relax.

"Hold the wheel for a second, would you?" Roy said, "I want to get my
jockeys on before I go any further. And having a shirt on will make us look
less suspicious if anyone is curious."

Jason held the wheel as Roy pulled a pair of red—of course they were
red—briefs up his legs and shrugged into a red tee-shirt. Then Roy took
the wheel back so Jason could pull on some clothes himself, squarecuts and
a black teeshirt. The redhead got the van onto a main drag and aimed them
in the general direction of the hell out of Dodge.

"You have any good idea of a place nearby where we can hole up for a while,
Jase?" Roy asked.

"Jason," Jason corrected him, "Nobody alive gets to call me Jase. And while
we're on it can you forget the `Hood'? If you need to use a name in public,
say Red Hood. Just Hood is too suggestive."

Jason grabbed his crotch, and Roy remembered vividly the ample hood that
he'd been working up and down over Jason's cockhead not that many minutes
before.

"Yeah, sure. I understand. And while we're on it, can you leave off the
`Arse'? Especially if you plan to ram mine in public again."

Jason nodded, "Never again. Scout's honor."

"Scouts, yeah. That's us. A couple of fucking boy scouts."

As they rolled out of town, Roy following Jason's directions, Roy said, "By
the way, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

When did you go ginger?"

It was not the question Jason had been expecting, so he answered it.

"I was always a redhead. But Batman wanted his Robins all to look alike for
some reason, so I dyed it. It can't have fooled a single person into
thinking I was Nightwing, but you don't argue with Big Bats. Then when I
went to prison, I let it go back to its normal color because fuck you
Bruce," Jason said, "Why do you ask?"

"Just.. Oh nothing. I was just thinking I bet we made quite a sight back
there. Two hot hung horny redheads going at one another."

"That was because of the magic," Jason said.

"Could be. Could be magic," Roy nodded at Jason's basket and said, "I only
mention it because it looks like you might be up for that second round we
were talking about in the bank."

Jason looked down. He was hard. What the fuck? He'd never had had feelings
for a guy before. Then he glanced up and saw a spring of the damned
mistletoe caught in the fun fur glued to the ceiling.

"You little shit."

"Hey, what's good for the goose is good for a gander. And this goose is
totally loose, too."

Roy grabbed the pouch of his red briefs and showed his own hard-on
straining against the fabric. Jason stared before realizing he was doing
so, and he noticed that his own cock was throbbing. Somebody was
interested. Maybe that mistletoe trip had jarred open a stuck door in his
mind.

Jason could only laugh, "Okay already. Let's get to the safe house, and
then we'll see."

Not much later Roy turned the van into the drive of a farmhouse and pulled
around back.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Roy said as Jason opened his door.

"Only one way to find out," Jason said, leading the way into the kitchen
and then to an upstairs bedroom.

An hour later, cuddled up under a blanket, Roy said, "Well, if you weren't
sure you put on a hell of an act."

"Always did," Jason said, "Probably always will."

"So, what do you want to do now? I mean this bed is nice and comfy, but
should we go after the Christmas Even Gang, since we have an idea where
they are."

"Does your van fly?" Jason asked.

"No."

"Neither does my bike, and I am not the dogsled kind of guy if I can help
it."

"And I suppose you couldn't just borrow the Batplane. Maybe we could tell
the JLA about what we found out."

"What? You think they'd believe either one of us? Me, a criminal and
you..."

"A rode hard and put away wet ex-sidekick," Roy joked, "Yeah, you may have
a point."

"Besides," Jason said, "Now we know how to find out how to find out where
they'll be next year."

"What do we do until then?" Roy said with a leer.

"Well, until then, it occurs to me we worked well together tonight. Maybe
we could try teaming up."

 "Teaming up. I like the sound of that," Roy grinned.

His hand found the back of Jason's head and pulled him in for another long
kiss.

"Yeah, you and me, a couple of outlaws."