Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 07:55:59 +0000
From: J-dot M <catsfan1@hotmail.com>
Subject: Smudges of Glitter

Smudges of Glitter
Written by JM

Disclaimer: Know 'em?  Nope.  Wish I did?  Of course.  Is this fictional?
Duh!  Should you be 18?  Only if you wanna be.  Hate mail?  Send it to
kissmyass@nothanks.com  Comments and criticism?  Send those to
catsfan1@hotmail.com  Is that it?  I guess for now.  If you can handle a
story that contains drama, romance, small bits of humor, and boy bands
living in another universe, then read on.  Otherwise, you should probably
click your heels together three times and get the hell out of Wonderland
because Alice and Dorothy sure did!

		Like it or not, life threw the best curveballs.  It may have taken him
years of living for others, one-sided relationships, inner-struggles, and
one too many shots of vodka on Friday nights at the same old club to figure
it out, but he eventually did.  He figured out that he could be satisfied
working the job his parents wanted him to work instead of the career he
wanted.  He started to understand why his friends were his only refuge when
he felt down.  It wasn't hard for him to figure out that he didn't love
Tonya or Jane or Brenda.  And Samantha?  The last ex-girlfriend?  He was
past her and glad she wasn't living in the same city as he was because it'd
be impossible for him to truly comprehend why he even dated her for four
years.
		He didn't mind the life he led though.  He was pretty popular at work,
probably because he had learned that being an asshole only gets a person up
the corporate ladder instead of earning respect like he always did for being
the gentleman he was.  It was probably because he was from the South,
actually, from Lexington, Kentucky.  Yeah, he had that sweet country accent
that helped him win over associates and even girls too.
		But it truly didn't matter much when he was driving home in his Mercedes
at night.  He grew tired of walking the high-wire between happiness and what
everyone wanted of him.  He hated that he liked the taste of beer sometimes
because it numbed his mind from the things he hated in his life.  He didn't
hate his dog or his car or his house or the fact that he had a nice amount
of money in the bank.  He hated that his parents made him leave behind his
dreams for money.  He hated that his cousin got to go to California.  San
Fransico, he thinks.  Maybe Sacremento.  He dispised that his new girlfriend
only lived at his house when she took time away from her own work.  She was
an aspiring actress, but most of the time, she worked as a law clerk at a
top Atlanta firm.  He was never happy knowing he was twenty-six and wasn't
married like his older brother and din't have any children or his dreams.
He hated being Brian Thomas Littrell, but that was only on the bad days.
		The nights?  Like the one he was having before his friend drug him off to
some unknown part of Atlanta after he had already had three beers and been
hit on by three girls?  Oh, they were always good.  They were always best
with Nick.  He liked Nick.  Carter?  Yeah, that was Nick's last name.  Nick
always made Brian's life a little easier, especially on Fridays.  They'd
leave work early, ditch behind the business shit and head straight for the
bars and clubs.  Sometimes, Brian wasn't even sure if it was still the
weekend when he got home because Nick always guaranteed a good time.  Nick
would make sure Brian got away from his stress because if anyone looked
close enough into Brian's eyes, they could see his world was half-empty.
		Nick was an intern.  He was young, blonde, blue-eyed and full of life.
Wasn't that always the perfect match for a young man?  Nick thought so and
Brian knew it.  Brian was well aware that Nick was gay, but Nick never
showed it at work.  Nick talked about sports and cars and he even delved
into topics on sex when he didn't start to blush and stutter.  Brian found
it funny.  Nick was just too young to try and fit in like most adults did.
Brian would just ruffle Nick's hair in the elevator and listen as Nick
bragged on and on about some guy he laid or the fact that he's thinking
about asking out some young bartender named Joshua.  Nick liked to call him
"JC" and Brian didn't mind because he knew the kid needed dreams just like
he did.
		Brian wasn't sure, but he thought Nick was like his best friend or at
least like a little brother.  Nick was the one put under Brian's wings, told
to listen to everything Brian said because he wouldn't make it in the
business if he didn't.  Brian thought Nick was a bit too goofy to ever make
it.  He couldn't be like the rest, but Nick tried.  He got mad easily and
his temper flew off the handle when things didn't go his way.
		That wasn't the Nick Brian knew too well though.  The Nick he knew was the
one he saw on Friday nights, the one that danced, held his liquor and
flirted indiscreetly, sometimes even with Brian when he was a little too
drunk.  The Nick he knew and loved was the one that brought him to this
club.
		Brian had never heard of Splashes of Blue.  It was new to him, but then
again, he didn't really travel to Buckhead that much.  He also didn't get
out much unless it was with Nick on Fridays or with a few of his co-workers
after work for a quick drink.  He kept to himself and his girlfriend because
she was high-matinence and required it.
		She was a typical Brian girlfriend: Beautiful, spunky, sometimes a bit too
controlling, slightly prude, and fucking beautiful.  He always dated the
model-type and he couldn't figure out why because in his heart, he didn't
like the ones that put everything out there for the world to see.  But damn
it, he was always attracted to them.  The blonde hair, sometimes brunette,
and the figure and the eyes and the neck.  He just liked it, but not enough
to stay in love long.
		The relationships always went longer than the love and the feelings.  It
was probably because they all wanted to have sex with Brian and Brian was
taught that it was wrong to share his body.  He'd experimented though.  He
had gone a bit far, maybe too far because he usually found himself crying in
a cold shower later on or vomiting when his girlfriend was sleep.
		Brian was questionable about the club.  The name sounded a little too
exotic for his taste.  The music he heard rattling when he hopped out of
Nick's car didn't sound like the hip-hop or dance music he liked to dance
to.  It had too much bass or slowed up to a melody that required close,
crotch-grinding moves and Brian liked to be free when he was dancing.
		Brian's eyebrow rose when he saw one too many guys standing out the club.
He thought just maybe all the girls got exclusive rights to get into the
club first, but his eyes told his mind that seeing two guys hugging and
holding hands meant that might not be the case.
		When Nick hopped in front of the line and smiled at the bouncer, Brian
started to worry.  Nick got them right in and Brian sucked back a smile
because he knew faking it wasn't going to work well with Nick.  He shucked
his hands into his pockets and let Nick grab his elbow, leading him through
the masses of men, a small splash of women all over the club.  He blushed
when some guys smiled at him, winked at him with that hint of lust circling
their eyes.  He'd been hit on by men before, but he'd never been to a place
where he was meant to be picked up by another man.  He'd shrugged it off
before because being Nick's friend opened his heart to other styles of life.
  He knew a few guys at work that were like Nick and he was fine with all of
them.  They were all nice guys.  But none thought to hit on Brian.  None
thought to bring him to a club, in an area he didn't know all that well, so
that he could get a taste of "the otherside."
		"Do you want a drink?" Nick called out some outragerously overdone club
song and Brian shook his head with sprites of shame on his face.  Nick
nodded and released his elbow, leaving him, deserting him near some sort of
stage where men danced around, some barely clothed.  Brian had to close his
eyes and pray really hard.  He felt wrong and yet, he felt a little freer.
Was that right?  He wasn't sure.
		He pulled a hand out of his pocket and pulled it through his dirty-blonde
hair.  He could be attractive to anyone.  The innocence glowing in his face.
  The way his dimples formed when he smiled and his cheeks were chiseled
like a model.  His eyes were drops of the blue sky, the perfect shade of
blue.  His lips were thin and always pink, unless he kissed someone a little
too hard, and then they were red and swollen.  His chin occasionally had
speckles of a goatee and when he knew he didn't have to work, he didn't
shave, giving him an even more manly appeal.
		Brian licked his lips and looked around, watching women pass with men and
men pass with other men.  He cautiously found a seat near the small, lit
stage.  He swallowed hard and ignored anyone that looked at him or tried to
speak to him.  He pretened the music was too loud and that prevented him
from being him.  He fervently looked for Nick, but could never find him.
'Maybe he went to the bathroom?' he thought and he had to keep telling
himself that to keep him seated.  If he thought for any reason Nick was busy
doing other things, things that were probably being done all over the club,
he'd freak out and he'd have to run to Nick's car just to remember his name
was Brian and he shouldn't be there.
		Something about when the spinning, obscence lights slowed their spinning
calmed him and he pulled up enoguh courage to slouch a little in his chair.
He shifted his feet across the ground in an uncomfortable manner.  He truly
wasn't meant to be there.  His good old Southern, devote Christian persona
did not fit the atmosphere of the club.  His throat was becoming
increasingly dry, his hands shook, his heart thudded with the fading beat
and his head kept throbbing everytime he took a breath inward.  He might as
well have been recovering from a hangover in the midst of rush hour traffic.
		There was definitely something disturbing about the way majority of the
club began to get silent as the music died down.  Brian glanced around
briskly, still no sign of Nick.  He could hear a few whistles echoing and he
glanced toward the stage, its once man-clad floor covered in silky blackness
that called for something greater than what he had seen.  He felt the urge
to stand, maybe walk away so that he could find Nick or find something that
would calm his nerves.  'But why should I calm down?  I didn't want to come
here.  I didn't ask to come here.  Why the fuck am I still here?' he
wondered and he started to feel less Brian and more anger.
		"Gentlemen... would you please put your hands together for our golden
boy.. the young, suave, sexy Shot!" a man called out through the club's PA
system and Brian's eyes darted to the stage with suspicion.  He watched as a
bright spotlight fell on the stage and a black curtain pulled back, leaving
shadows to cover a male's figure.
		A sultry, almost familiar beat came thudding through the speakers and
Brian stiffened in his seat.  His pale blue eyes watched intently, focusing
all of their attention on the youthful man that sauntered onto the stage.
Was he even old enough to be in the club?  When the spotlight dawned on his
features, Brian questioned whether he should even look at the boy without
feeling like a pervert.
		He was a young man, maybe not old enough for the club, but old enough to
know if he threw his hips in one direction when the bass hit, he could get a
few shrieks of pleasure from the attendants.  His hair was shaved, small
pricks of brown-blonde hair.  His lips were pourty and his eyes were inked
blue.  He had nicely shaped, muscular arms, ones that shown through his
black, sheer shirt without the assistance of the spotlight.  His chin held
wild sprouts of hair, an immature goatee.  His hips were slim and his build
was Adonis-like.  His faded jeans hung just low enough that the strings of
his underwear poked out.  He walked the walk of a proud man and wore the
face of a temptress.  He did it all without blinking or smiling, just moving
like fire on glass.
		Brian squirmed just a bit and eyed him with caution.  He knew that this
man had to be too young to be able to tempt men with his body.  He didn't
even look the part.  He was just a bit too manly and unusally calm.  He
didn't hold any feminine traits like Nick did at times.  He showed no signs
of interest in loving the men, just tempting and teasing them.  But he did
it so well.  His moved like liquid and his tongue rolled over his lips like
a porn star.  He was delicate and sexy in a way that Brian couldn't
describe.

	You had plenty money 1922
	You let all the women make a fool of you
	Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
	Get out of here
	Get me some money too

		Fingers unsnapped buttons without effort.  The shirt spread open and blew
backward as if a wind wisked through the club without Brian knowing.  Brian
watched the boy slink the shirt off his shoulders, all the while, the
spotlight continued to highlight every part of his body that Brian knew
others wanted to lck.  Brian's face scrunched when he saw the boy shimmy the
shirt over his body like a cheap stripper.  That wasn't the man Brian
thought he was.  But when the shirt dropped and a black wifebeater began to
rise with nimble fingers dragging it over vanilla skin, Brian silenced
twisted thoughts and concentrated on a man.  He looked at another man and
felt no shame.  He watched like a curious man, but his heart beat with the
eyes of an admirer.
		The young man twisted his hips easily to the piano-strickened melody.  He
crossed the stage and leaned downward, snatching a bill from one man's hand
while another man slipped his own money into the young man's pockets.  A
smile twisted over shapely red lips and Brian sighed.  He watched the way
this man danced erotically with tame eyes.  The boy strolled to the
otherside and unbuttoned the top of his jeans.  He only let them catch a
peak before turning around, giving view to his covered behind.  Brian
swallowed for air and felt heat consuming him.  Brian studied the muscles on
his back and then his shoulders.  He watched them flex when he lifted his
hands over his head and spread his legs, rocking his hips back and forth to
the tainted song.  'What am I thinking?' he wondered, leaning foward just a
little to see the jeans slip down some, revealing just the top of a firm
butt.

	You're sitting down and wondering
	What it's all about
	If you ain't got no money
	They will put you out
	Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
	Get out of here
	Get me some money too

		Money danced onto the stage in flights.  The young man giggled a little
and let it sit there as his barefoot skid over the slick stage.  He traced a
finger over his lips, let his tongue lick out and touch the finger before
dragging the finger down his neck.  He tilted his head back and arched his
back, drawing the contours of his structure with the wet finger.  He eased
it over his navel and let his head fall forward, his eyes finding Brian's
for only a moment before looking away.  He danced forward until another man
reached for him, pulling of his jeans while slipping a twenty inside.  The
young man shook his finger at him and laughed, dancing away.
		He was a butterfly in motion when he unzipped his jeans and let them fall
halfway down.  He caught them and smirked when others barked at him and
pleaded for more.  He danced the jeans down his legs, bending like a gymnast
while shaking his butt again.  He released the material and stood, standing
still to let his admirers catch a view.  Brian gasped when seeing a pair of
tight, black bikini-briefs sucking on his crotch.  They didn't reveal much,
but enough for Brian to know that this boy may not have been that young.
		Brian took a deep breath of air and closed his eyes, praying the young man
would disappear and someone, maybe his girlfriend, would be able to explain
why something was slowly stirring in his groin.  He'd never seen something
that erotic.  Cheap porno's, few glances at female strippers, and even
seeing his girlfriend nude in the shower had no comparision to seeing that
boy move.  He was sex in a pair of bikini-briefs.  Brian had to focus on his
own beliefs to keep obscene thoughts from leaking into his mind.  He thought
it was ludicrous the way this guy moved new emotions over him, but he didn't
  stop himself when his eyes peaked open and he saw the youth draw
dangerously closer.
		Where was Nick with that offer for a drink when the young man stopped in
front of Brian, quickly grabbing his crotch and pulling the material of his
undergarment aside to let another man slip a hundred dollar bill inside.  He
watched the man fall back into his chair and groan as the stripper moved
away from him and even closer to Brian.  Too close.  Too damn close.  Brian
pulled on his collar and swallowed painful thoughts when the young man
looked down at him and smiled.  'Jesus.. yes, I believe in Jesus...' he
thought and squinted his eyes when the youth winked at him.

	Now if you had prepared twenty years ago
	You wouldn't be wandering now from door to door
	Why don't you do right, like some other men do?

		The chime of those keys on the piano, the way that voice echoed through
the club when the young man took a step down and then near Brian caused
everything to explode in Brian's ears and he felt a tingling behind his
eyes.  He closed his mouth and didn't dare lick his lips when the young man
danced in front of him, forgetting the other man that called on him to
concentrate on Brian, the good Christian man.
		Hands grabbed shoulders and a knee slowly slid into the chair, spreading
Brian's legs without his consent.  Brian was pretty sure it was typical for
strippers to do this at clubs, but that was usually by request or at least
to someone who had the money or the face to earn it.  Brian?  No, not Brian.
  He didn't deserve to have this young man massaging his fingers and
kneeling on his chair, gyrating his hips in a slow motion that made Brian
glad he remembered his name this time.
		Brian was scared and it showed.  The look of confidence in the stripper's
face caused Brian to turn his eyes down, far down so that he did not stare
at that man's mid-section because he was afraid that knee would feel
something bigger than a hundred dollars.  Another set of hands touched the
back of his shoulders and he felt a slight nudge that caused more fear to
race up his spine and increase the rate at which his heart thudded against
his chest.  "Don't be shy, Brian.  It's all right.  He won't hurt you." Nick
whispered into Brian's ear and it was all Brian could do to keep from
spinning around and strangling Nick.  He heard a small, shy giggle from
above and he looked up to the young man, watched his crooked smile and the
way he dscended until he was eye-level with Brian.  His other leg rubbed
against Brian's in an arousing fashion.  His hand slipped down Brian's arm
and over his hand, leading it to his leg.

	Get out of here
	Get me some money too
	Get out of here
	Get me some money too

		Brian eyed well-toned pecs, oiled stomach muscles, brownish nipples and a
lickable collarbone.  His breathing increased to ragged breaths as he
admired the boy's face.  It wasn't the spotlight that made it beautiful.  It
was the way that his deep blue eyes carried that sweet innocence that still
made the boy human and less God-like.
		'Thou shall not give into temptation.' he told himself repeatedly while
feeling the boy pull his hand closer to hot, golden flesh.  He saw smudges
of glitter, maybe performance make-up, around the bottom of the boy's eyes
and he knew there was gloss on those red lips.  He wondered what it tasted
like and he didn't force his head to lean in the boy's direction.  Nick did.
  Nick aided him in his thoughts about exploring the otherside.  The
possibilities were calling.  "Just touch..." Nick advised with a whisper and
Brian felt the stripper place his hand firmly on his leg, the skin of a palm
meeting the skin and muscles of an upper thigh.  Fingers wanted to dance and
grip, but something about finding the strength to even make his eyes move
made it too difficult of a task.

	Why don't you do right, like some other men... do?

		It touched him.  His fear, his beliefs, his desire to go home and crawl
into the empty bed that he shared with his girlfriend in his not-so-happy
life.  He jerked back and away from the youth, shaking with uncertainty in
his eyes.
		The music was fading and his desire was too.  He waited until the stripper
pulled away, listening to men boo him while others cheered on the stripper
for being so gracious.  He didn't want to, but he had to look again.  He had
to see the young man's face as he moved away.  There was a tinge of hurt in
his eyes, but he stayed professional.  He collected his money and he
sauntered away with pride, waving to a few of the men before slipping behind
that black curtain that gave birth to Brian's unknown lust.
		Raging house music came dancing back into the speakers and Brian was
shaken back to reality, something he wished to be without for just another
moment in that boy's eyes.  "Dude, you are so lucky." Nick shouted out,
still standing behind Brian.  There was no need to stop Brian from leaping
from the chair or forcing Nick to look at the scowl branded into his face.
He shook his head at Nick, but withheld a need to shout four-letter words at
Nick.  The look was enough.  It was always enough.  It shut people up and
made them standoffish the next time they chose to speak to Brian.  And Brian
could feel Nick's thoughts.  Brian could tell Nick thought he'd be jobless
come Monday when they returned to work and Brian still had the stench of
another man's body pressed against his running over his skin.
		Brian slid past Nick and moved with quick, loud feet.  He was stomping.
He was walking in fleetly strides that left Nick in a  cloud of dancing men
and his thoughts in a mist of anger.  'What the fuck was he thinking?  What
the fuck was I thinking sitting there through that whole damn performance by
that cheap, uneraged punk.' Brian grumbled to himself, pushing past men
without thought.  He didn't care if anyone dared to challenge him.  He was
ready to throw a fist, ready to get arrested for knocking some ass out
because he was mad at Nick, the stripper, and himself for thinking he felt
something for that golden boy.
		He escaped fogs of smoke and shouting people, evading the bathroom because
he knew it had to be the spot for quickie's and ditching the bar because he
just did not feel like being hit on at the moment.  He busted through the
backdoor of the club and he was sure he would shiver all night after the
cold air captured him.  Oddly, he didn't feel like vomiting and a cold
shower wasn't something he really needed.  He just needed a chance to
breathe and forget that the last hour of his life even existed at one point
and time.
		Brian heard another door open and his attention was pulled.  He glanced
toward a man exiting the club, a hand holding a jacket closed while another
covered his mouth while he coughed.  "Did you do good tonight Justin?" a
ridiculously large man asked, following the first man out of the exit.
Brian focused his eyes and his mouth dropped some.  The man turned and
smiled to the larger man.  It was him.  It was the stripper, the young man,
the golden boy that haunted Brian whenever he looked up to the sky and
thought of the way the sky resembled his deep blue eyes.
		"Man, I cleaned up nicely.  There were some big shot, business-suit pricks
from Peachtree here.  They were droppin' bills like crumbs." he replied and
Brian felt something pull the strings of his heart in the wrong direction.
He even talked like a man.
		"Good job man.  Heard you put on the best show.  Even better than
Dorough's." the large man remarked and Brian wrinkled his brow.  'He is just
a cheap stripper.' Brian told himself, folding his arms while watching the
boy shove bills into his pockets.  Those weren't the same jeans because they
fit a little better and they screamed urban appeal and not hotel-fuck.
		Brian twisted his lips when watched the boy look up.  "I try, Lonnie, I
try.  Can't let old Howie get the best of me.  I swear, he's so diva, he
doesn't even know a cock isn't up his ass at all times of the day." the
stripper commented before releasing a low, breathy chuckle.  "Ain't that the
truth." Lonnie replied and Brian tried to remember what he heard.  His
name's Justin?  Not Sex God or Brett Gorgeous.  Just Justin?  Of course he
had a last name and Brian started to question why he even cared that the kid
had a last name or a first name?
		"Excuse me." Brian peeped out and courage was something he started to get
a hold of again.  He approached the two without caution and he prayed the
angered look on his face would be enough to get his point across.  He
started to lose that courage when Justin looked up at him and a smiled dawn
on the young man's lips.  He kept his eyes a slim line of anger and watched
the smile diminish, an expression of blind curiosity taking shape.  "Do you
think what you do up there is right?  Do you feel it's honest or decent?"
Brian asked with blunt anger rocking through his voice.  The young man was
silent, baffled by Brian.  "Do you?" Brian asked again and his voice raised.
		Lonnie took a large step forward and Brian tried not to show his fright.
Lonnie was a big man, probably three-times Brian's form and Brian knew he
didn't want to get into any altercation with that man.  But he stood his
ground, his fists clenched together and his face a portait of distaste.  "Do
you want me to handle this piss-ass J?" Lonnie asked and Brian did show a
small sign of terror then.
		He glanced to Justin, holding his anger in a tight ball.  He eyed Justin,
watched the way that he lifted a hand and waved, a sign that was universal
to all.  "It's aight Lonnie.  I really don't think he means any harm."
Justin said, stepping in front of Lonnie and Brian hated that even the light
outside made his face goregous.  The smears of sparkles were gone and
Justin's lips were a little more chap and a lot less shiny.  Brian housed
his feelings when Lonnie walked away, stepping back into the doorframe of
the club.  "All right, but you call me in this shithead gets out of line."
Lonnie insisted, leaving enough space between Brian and Justin for Brian to
exhale his strongest emotions into the air.
		Justin licked his tongue over his lips and slid his hands into the pockets
on his jacket, tilting his head to the side with interest.  He waited for
Brian to speak, maybe move or at least yell at him so he could go grab
something to eat and return to his apartment.  "So how long has your
girlfriend known about you coming to gay clubs to watch guys strip?" Justin
finally asked, the air becoming dull to him.  He knew he caught Brian
offguard because surprise exploded over Brian's face and he responded with
that sweet look of bafflement that caused Justin to laugh.  "How'd you know
I had a girlfriend?" Brian stuttered out.  He felt uncomfortable with the
broad smile Justin wore.  "You freaked out when I winked at you, let alone
danced for you." Justin replied, shrugging nonchalantly.  "How do you know
I'm not just a gay man who is very dedicated to his boyfriend?" Brian
questioned, slightly offened by Justin's words.  Justin inclined forward and
stared at Brian.  He was trying to be angry but Justin could see past it.
"Because all of the innocent, beautiful guys like you always have some girl
latched onto your arm or digging in your pocket." Justin replied, his voice
simple but still dipped in a sullen tone.  He eyed Brian with tepid eyes
before pulling back, sighing lowly.
		"Are you hitting on me?  And did you just insult my girlfriend?" Brian
asked loudly and Justin had to groan, he had to release his frustration.  He
moved away from Brian, shaking his head with no hesitation.  "Are you going
to be this mad all night?" Justin asked him flatly, pulling his hands from
his pocket.  He let them slap against his side and found the light of the
moon accenting Brian's cheeks.  They were nice.  "I'm not mad.. I'm just..
just..." Brian couldn't find the right word for what he was.  He just was.
		"Look, I'm sorry I chose you to give a small lapdance to.  I just thought,
since you were the nice looking gentlemen in the crowd, I'd have a better
chance dancing for you without getting gropped or molested." Justin
explained.  He dared to step closer to Brian again, a hope in his
expression.  He wanted to break down the walls, ease the tension and get
something to eat before he starved to death.  "So why'd you put my hand on
your leg?" Brian questioned, keeping voice low because he was outside of the
club now and he feared anyone would hear him.  Justin smirked candidly and
gave off that careless look that men loved.  "Since I figured you were
pretty straight, I thought it'd be fun to tease ya." Justin replied and he
scrunched up his nose so cutely that even Brian couldn't fight the smile
that glazed his lips.
		He watched Justin begin to move away again, heading for the street and
something didn't let him end it like that.  "I looked nice?" he said lowly,
but his mind caught up with his heart's thoughts.  He dashed after Justin
and stopped when Justin stopped.  He gave Justin just enough time to tilt
his head again and offer up that smile that he was beginning to like a
little too much.  "Do you need someone to walk you home?" Brian asked,
offering up company that he wasn't sure he should give.  "You wouldn't be
trying to get into my place, now would you?" Justin asked him teasingly,
sliding his hands back into his pockets.  Brian exhaled loudly and rolled
his eyes, losing that lofty smirk he once sported.  "Girlfriend, remember?"
he questioned and Justin's look was enough to answer his question.  "Can I
grab something to eat first?" Justin requested, looking out to the less-than
busy street.  Cars rode by, people had lost their need to be loud and orangy
street lights gave birth to an Atlanta glow.  "At 2 AM?" Brian questioned,
motioning his head toward the street.  Justin followed the signal and began
to walk, a slow, leisurely stroll that he was sure fit Brian's mood.
		"So... what's her name?" Justin asked as they moved down the street,
keeping their heads low and their minds occupied with silent thoughts.
"Who?" Brian asked before he thought.  He laughed lowly and glanced at
Justin.  "Oh, her." he said lowly, the corner of his lips letting out a
smile.  Justin shook his head, fighting laughter.  "Yes, your girlfriend."
Justin comlied with the quiet question in Brian's dancing blue eyes.
"Leighanne." Brian said quickly, probably too quickly because Justin had
that look of question before he nodded in compliance.
		Yeah, her name was Leighanne, but he liked to call her Leigh.  Well, he
liked to call her period when she would take his calls.  She was always so
busy, running around the town or working on some legal crap that Brian
halfway understood but only when that was the only thing he could talk to
her about just to talk to her.  She was always in another world, even late
at night when he wanted to click off the lights and go to bed, one way or
another.  But it didn't matter because her name was Leighanne and she was
still his girlfriend.
		"How long have you two been together?" Justin asked and Brian was pretty
sure it was a kind effort that Justin made to keep the conversation flowing
to rid their minds of the awkwardness that they walked in.  "Close to a
year." Brian replied with fickle confidence streaming through his voice.  He
was pretty sure that he'd be with her for awhile but there were always times
of doubt, mostly when she didn't return his calls for hours.  "How close?"
Justin asked and there wasn't a questionable glimmer in his eyes.  It was
real, maybe too cocky for Brian.  "Close enough to know I'll be going home
to her tonight." Brian responded assertively and he wondered if Justin would
hide a frown or just laugh through it.  Justin did neither.  He just smiled
and laughed, no signs of disappointment.  "Gee, it was just a question.  I'm
not trying to hop into your bed or anything." Justin insisted, giving Brian
a small nudge with his elbow.  A friendly gesture, one that Brian passed off
with an embarrassed smile.
		Brian hated that he had barely known the kid a full hour and had already
lied to him.  When they walked under those bright lights, small spots
resembling fades suns, Brian kicked himself.  He wasn't going home to
Leighanne.  He wasn't even sure if he was going home to his dog.  Partly
because he was walking in a different direction than he lived.  But his
words were lies.  Leighanne was away on some business trip, one Brian was
pretty sure she waited until the last minute to tell him about because no
sooner that the idea had sunk in was she kissing him goodbye and hopping in
a taxi to the airport.
		Brian's eyes were glossy stars of blue when Justin looked up and smiled
into them.  He wanted to say something nice, maybe something incredible that
would make Brian at ease with him.  He was fairly intelligent.  He watched
the news occasionally and had even read a few books lately.  But to impress
Brian?  It was a little too much when he watched a smooth tongue lick over
pink lips and dimples formed for another graceless smirk.
		Justin lost sight of Brian when Brian stopped for a moment, just staring
at Justin like a stranger.  Justin thought maybe it was silence.  Maybe he
thought too much?  Didn't give enough attention to the man that was walking
beside him?  Or it could've been that there were second thoughts and
suddenly it wasn't so easy to walk with a gay man that had just stripped and
gave him a lapdance?
		"You know, we haven't really been formally introduced." Brian said and
something washed over Justin.  He wanted to call it security or peace, but
he thought those were too easy of words.  He was just happy, even if it was
that simple.
		Brian watched the younger man chew on his bottom lip and take a few steps
toward him.  Brian wasn't sure what he was doing.  Maybe he liked the kid
too much?  But something about his shyness off the stage made Brian like
him.  He was just normal, nothing like that Dorough the younger guy
described earlier.  What'd he call him?  A diva?  Justin wasn't one of
those.  Not in any sense, but Brian had known him an hour?  If that?
		"The name's Brian Littrell." Brian stated, extending his hand freely to
the shyer man.  A shaky hand lifted and then fell into his, offering Brian a
strong grip that he liked.  "I'm Justin." Justin responded lowly, gladly
shaking Brian's hand just to be able to hold it knowing how soft it was.  He
would've preferred the hand in his before it was on his thigh earlier, but
he went with what he could get and this was enough to bring warm rivers of
happy suns over his body.  "No last name?" Brian questioned, an eyebrow
cocked upward.  Justin giggled and shook his head.  "Not one I want to give
out right now." Justin replied simply and he struggled with a frown when
Brian's hand slipped from his.  "Okay.  Works for me." Brian shrugged and he
wondered why his mind was wandering to the fact that this kid had big hands.
  'Big hands might mean...' Brian stopped his thoughts because he was more
than sure he shouldn't have been thinking of that.  That wasn't normal.  It
sure wasn't normal for Brian Littrell.  Then again, what about the night had
been truly normal for him?
		Brian followed Justin again, keeping steady steps with him.  He slid his
hands into his pocket, the touch still bruning on his hand.  His eyes
wandered about the area and he thought how Justin felt about what he did.
Did he like it?  Did he get a lot of money from it?  A lot of sex?  Drugs?
"This is the coffee shop I usually go to after work." Justin mentioned and
Brian decided not to ask the boy about his life as a stripper because Justin
had been farily nice to Brian and he didn't want to ruin the night by Justin
walking away or trying to convince Brian it was right.
		Brian tredded behind Justin when he slipped into the coffee shop.  He kept
his head kind of low, even though there couldn't have been more than five
people in the entire place.  "Hey Justin, are you bringing friends into my
brokedown joint now?" an older man asked from behind the counter and Brian
figured the man had to be the owner.  "This place isn't brokedown Mitch.  It
serves the best coffee this side of the Mississippi and the peach cobbler
ain't that bad either." Justin replied, immediately walking up to the
counter with a content grin waxed over his ruddy lips.  Brian followed
Justin shyly, staying close because he didn't know anyone else and feared
being left alone again.  "Your cheap talk won't get ya any free coffee and
cobbler tonight kid." Mitch replied.  Brian tried hard not to laugh.  All
the money Justin made at the club and he needed to bum coffee and dessert
from this joint?  "I tried, didn't I?" Justin laughed, leaning on the
counter in a way that made his occupation a little too obvious.
		"Try a little harder next J and you just might get a scoop of ice cream
too." another man spoke and Brian's eyes immediately followed the voice.  He
wanted to know who else knew this golden boy.  When his eyes found another
young man approaching, something burned inside of him.  He was tall with
blonde-highlighted hair.  His eyes were perfectly brown with just the right
lightness to make them copper at times.  His lips were just as pouty as
Justin's and his chin carried a river of rbwon hair, a mature goatee that
gave him age.  He had a nice build, a loose T-shirt and jeans that hung low
like Justin's did.  He was definitely good-looking and Brian was sure this
other kid had many offers that he didn't refuse.
		Brian watched Justin's reaction.  He observed the bright smile, the way
his eyes lit up with a glorious vision of angels and when his arms opened up
to hug the other man, Brian turned his eyes and sighed.  The other guy was
gay too.  "I guess that means you bummed off my free slice tonight, huh
Wade?" Justin asked, ruffling fingers through the man's hair.  "Two pieces
and still going strong." he replied.  'Wade?  What kind of name is that?'
Brian thought spitefully, turning his head back to glare at Justin.  "That's
okay.  I got a fair cut tonight." Justin assured Wade, letting an arm slip
until it was around Wade's waist.  Brian wanted to stare at that arm until
it fell off but he didn't when Wade cleared his throat and made obvious
gestures toward Brian.  "Isn't that the one you gave the dance to tonight?"
Wade whispered just loud enough for Brian to hear.  Justin nodded and a
wicked grin had crossed his lips.  "Takin' him home wit' ya?" Wade
questioned a little lower, but Brian still heard him.  He kept his head low,
playing the role he knew he had to.  "Not the one." Justin replied quickly
and turned his back, giving his attention back to Mitch because shades of
red were caressing his cheeks and he couldn't get rid of his smile.
		Wade backed away from Justin with a funny glint in his eyes.  "Get your
head out of those dumb romance novels J." Wade warned his friend, moving
back toward the area he had appeared from.  Brian chewed on his bottom lip
and he looked up to Brian with curiosity embedded into his eyes.  Justin
didn't notice though.  He just turned his head toward Wade and replied, "I
won't be another Dorough."  Brian heard the chuckle Wade released and he
wished Wade would go away because he didn't have any of Justin's attention
and walking Justin home wasn't fun without it.  "Hey, Dorough made a cool
one-fifty from this one blonde, blue-eyed fool tonight just by shaking his
ass in a G-string.  You should think about it." Wade informed his friend
before settling back down into a chair with other people already carrying
friendly conversations.  Justin shook his head at Wade before tapping his
fingers on the counter.  Brian looked at that hand and the thoughts still
haunted him.  Justin kept his hands nice.  They looked soft and his nails
were in perfect tradition.  Maybe he did have a few feminine qualities after
all.
		"You ready?" Justin asked and Brian jerked his head up, praying Justin
didn't notice him staring because Brian knew he was staring at Justin.  He
nervously shook his head before leading the way out of the restaurant with a
shameful shadow on his face.  He toyed with the bottom of his shirt as
Justin slowly began to lead him in another direction.
		Justin looked at Brian on brief occasions, taking quick sips from his hot
cofee to hide his interest.  Something about the way Brian stayed quiet, but
cute made Justin want to know if he was always like that.  Did he ever get
loud or wild?  Was every move he made praticed or at least thought about?
Justin wondered if Brian kept a calm presence in the bedroom too?  He
wouldn't know.  Probably couldn't find out if he tried.  This was a one time
affair and he wasn't going to ask Brian for anything more than a hand-shake
when they reached his  apartment.  Brian was straight and too nice.  Too
damn nice.
		"So is Wade an ex or a current?" Brian asked with a blank face, something
Justin didn't expect.  There was no longer a shine about him.  Justin hated
it.  But he giggled when he thought about the question.  He took a small
gulp from his cup and rolled his eyes.  "Neither.  He's my friend...
probably one of the closest friends I have." Justin replied, holding the cup
with both hands because it was a bit cold outside and seeing a questionable
expression pitted on Brian's face didn't warm him like Brian's smile did.
"There's nothing between you two?" Brian asked.  He felt Justin's annoyance
with the question and even he didn't know why the fuck he was asking because
he wasn't supposed to care.  But he did.
		Justin lowered his cup and looked to the sky.  He smiled lightly and blew
breath into the air.  "Wade dances at the club just like I do.  We both have
this same hatred for another dancer named Howie Dorough, and Wade and I just
clicked when I first started working there.  He and I love to dance and
that's probably the only real reason we dance there besides the money."
Justin explained, keeping his eyes upward because he knew the streets pretty
well and didn't fear much.  He took Brian's silence calming.  "We're hoping
to open up our own dance studio one day.  We want to teach others how to
dance and choreograph shows and stuff." Justin added with a dreamy gleam.
"Sorta like the ones at Splashes of Blue?" Brian inquired with the same
obtuse arrogance he showed earlier.  Justin ignored it this time.  He
lowered his head and raised his cup, sipping again with a smile.  "No." he
replied simply and that was all he needed to say.
		Brian didn't know why but guilt knew how to get the best of him.  It was
worse than taking the cold shower or the regurgitating.  It made him feel
less than human.  "Justin, I really didn't mean to get that personal.  I
mean.. God, I feel like a fool.  You shouldn't even have to answer questions
from a guy you've known for one night." Brian said with shame invested into
his words.  Sincerity couldn't have been anymore evident and something about
the way those words rolled off his tongue with that slick, thick country
accent made Justin smile and nudged Brian again.  "Don't worry 'bout it.  I
don't mind the questions as long as it means you don't pass judgment on me."
Justin assured Brian, walking a little closer to Brian because he knew if he
didn't, the solemn man would surely think the words were just words without
meaning.
		Brian wasn't so offbeat when Justin moved closer.  He didn't fake a smile.
  He was comfortable, sort of like he was with Nick.  But then again, Nick
didn't feel like Justin did.  Justin was someone he knew for less than a
night but felt like he was meant to know him for hundred of years to come.
"I don't think it's my place to really pass judgment on anyone, no matter
who they're having sex with or what they think is right." Brian said and he
lost a touch of confidence in his words when he found a tight frown on
Justin's lips.  "Do you think I sleep with just anyone?" Justin asked,
leaving Brian no faith to reply with an even expression.  He slumped his
shoulders forward and felt the need to give up on saying anything else
because now he made Justin look cheap and easy.  "Not anyone." Brian replied
smally, the only words he could muster without letting his head remain
downward for the rest of the night.  "You're right.  Not anyone.  I may
strip at night, but I don't go home with any of those people.  I don't sleep
with any of those men or anyone period.  I believe virginity is a pretty
sacred thing and since I've only been somewhat in love once, I don't plan on
giving my body to anyone.  Especially not someone who flaunts a hundred
dollars in my face like I'm Demi Moore." Justin stated firmly.
		Brian didn't let his sigh get too loud, but the night suddenly wasn't
something he wanted to live on.  He was thankful it wasn't but a few more
turns before Justin informed him it was his apartment and they had come to a
stop.  "Did you want to come up?  Get some coffee or something?" Justin
offered, his hand still holding a half-full cup.  Brian smiled on the
thought.  Maybe Justin wasn't all that mad or offended?  Maybe Brian hadn't
made a complete ass of himself?  "I don't know if this is possible, but
could I get a raincheck?" Brian requested, needing a chance to remember he
had a place of his own to go home to and go upstairs with this beautiful
golden boy would only make more questions for himself in the morning.
		He loved the way Justin sucked in his lower lip, bared a few of those
wonderfully white teeth and nodded.  "Sure Brian.  If you ever happen upon
the club again, wait for my performance.  I'm there Wednesdays, Fridays and
Saturdays." Justin said, turning to move towards the faded green door that
led to his apartment.  Brian nodded, not knowing what tomorrow brang but
praying somewhere, deep in the hollows of Heaven, that he did happen upon
that club one more time to at least make sure that golden boy was still this
beautiful outside of the club.
		Justin pulled open the door but stopped short of walking in.  "Oh, that is
if your girlfriend Leighanne doesn't mind you staying in touch with a guy
like me." Justin added with a snark smile and Brian had to laugh because he
wanted to see that smile get bigger and the joy to stay painted in Justin's
eyes.  "We'll see Justin." Brian chimed, running fingers over his hair.
Justin nodded and disappeared, leaving Brian without that piece of
amber-coated sunshine he had held for hours.  He was gone that easy and the
questions came, questions that echoed until Brian fell asleep and continued
until Brian remembered he had to work on Monday.
		Brian hated waiting.  He did it every Monday though.  It was always the
day that he made it a point to join colleagues for work, just to be the nice
guy and socialize.  Plus he knew that by Tuesday, everyone would be too busy
working on some new project to know the other co-workers existed.
		Brian really hated waiting outside with Nick.  Nick would always unloosen
his tie and shove his hands into his pockets and all of the sudden become a
ball of chaos rather than the businessman he was supposed to be.  Sometimes,
for some odd reason, Nick would smoke a cigarette just because it was a
habit he caught in high scool when he wanted to be cool.  He didn't do it
too often though, so Brian didn't mind.
		"God, this asshole is always late coming down here." Nick whined, taking a
small drag from the cigarette that Brian was sure he lit fifteen minutes
ago.  Nick was a slow smoker.  He wasn't quite skilled enough to take three
puffs and finish, but his technique wasn't prime enough to look classy while
he took his time.
		"I wonder if he even makes it to work on time?" Brian contemplated,
watching other co-workers pass by, staying steady in their own informative
conversations.  It was typical work ethic.  They all formed cliques, they
all stayed within their boundaries and there was no real communication
between floors in the office building.  "Oh, he always gets to work on time,
regardless of how hungover he is.  He's always right there kissing Mr.
Pearlman's ass with that stupid, silly grin of his.  It never fails.  And
then he hits on all the secretaries, makes his way to the second floor where
his girlfriend Amanda works and then takes another fifteen minutes to get
his skinny ass downstairs so we can go to fucking lunch." Nick gripped.  He
wasn't very professional outside of the office.
		Brian shook his head at his friend, trying not to laugh at the way Nick
tried to be frustrated but was too caught up in tyring to look trendy.  He
glanced to his side and smiled when a familair blonde approached.  "He
wasn't in the parking deck ya'll." the blonde said, a healthy southern drawl
laced in his speech.  That was the Lance Bass Brian liked smiling at.  Lance
was new to the building too, but he was right out of college and right out
of the South.  He couldn't be anymore nicer or polite or just plain old
country.  Brian imagined that Lance preferred karoke and line-dancing on
Fridays versus clubs like he and Nick did.  And Lance had a pretty blonde
girlfriend named Mandy Ashford that was the prime example of a Southern
belle.  She walked with class, she talked like Scarlett O'Hara and she had a
knack for cooking that Brian couldn't deny.
		"He never is there when you look Lance.  Damn, I don't even know why you
bother." Nick remarked, sucking in another puff.  Brian prayed Nick would
finish the cigarette soon because the smell was awful and Nick's attempts to
be cool were fucking annoying.  "I'm the kind that is too unexpected for
anyone, right Nick?" came a smooth, smoky voice that unsettled Brian and
caused Nick to lower his cigarette.
		Brian eyed the loose canon with squinted eyes.  Sometimes, he hated how
Alex McLean was so neat at work and a leather-clad, tattoo-barring,
blue-haired madman at night.  That's when he became AJ to the public.  But
the guys still called him AJ because it fit his personality day and night.
		At the moment, AJ looked GQ with his Armani suit and tie, his sleeves
rolled up as if he had taken a thousand calls and made a few more deals for
the company.  He bared one of his many tattoos for them; a fancy masquerade
mask that represented AJ's love for acting or something like that.  Brian
wasn't sure and he could guarantee that the next time he saw Amanda, the
lovely raven-black haired beauty that AJ called his girlfriend most days,
he'd find out.
		"Are you gent's ready for lunch or would you prefer to stand around here a
little longer and pretend that starving ourselves is the new trend of the
week?" AJ asked with sarcasm coating his raspy voice.  It was another thing
Brian hated about AJ.  AJ smoked too much and he drank too often.  He wasn't
fit for the advertising world, except for the fact that he knew the best
strip joints to take clients and the best bars to hang out at to find the
next big thing.
		AJ proudly snatched the cigarette from between Nick's index finger and
middle finger and placed between his index and thumb.  He brought it to his
mouth, took a long drag of it like he was inhaling marijuana and then blew
out thick clouds of smoke as he dropped it to the floor and put it out with
his foot.  So much for GQ.  "Fucker, that was my last cigareete until after
work." Nick complained, his face lighting up with fire while his eyes
lowered with brazen anger.  That was the Nick Brian didn't like to see too
often.  "Ah, hush up little boy blue.  I'll bum you some from that asshole
Jacob from the fifth floor or maybe Veronica will give me some of hers when
I go to see Amanda." AJ promised, hiking an arm around Nick's broad
shoulders to lead him in the direction of the restaurant he had chosen.
		It was an age old tradition for the four.  Every Monday, they would go to
lunch and every Monday, a different guy would choose the restaurant.  Lance
would usually have them at a quiet place for fancy salads and expensive
entrees.  Brian would take them to a simple place like Applebee's or Chili's
while Nick had to go to a sports bar to laugh loudly and catch up on events
he missed during the previous week.  With AJ, there was no telling.
Sometimes the places were good, like an Italian restaurant or a
Southern-kitchen atmosphere, and sometimes the places were bad like the old,
run-down Chinese food place where Brian distinctively remembered hearing
someone named Rich from the third floor say that Chisense food made him
sick.
		But Brian slid his hands into his pockets and walked astride with Lance,
pretending that he would have fun at lunch because no matter what place it
was, he usually did.  "So, being that this young buck right here has the
mouth full of sin, how are my choir-boy, church-attending boys doing?  Did
you two make it to the Lord's sermon yesterday?" AJ questioned with a
Cheshire-grin that he wore proudly.  "Yes, I did Alex.  Pastor James gave a
great sermon about why more men should attend church, especially with their
wives or girlfriends." Lance chimed in, causing the others to laugh.  Brian
loved a good chat about the Bible from time to time, but it was like sex for
Lance.  Nothing made him happier than a Gospel song on the radio, the Good
Book by his side, and a cross nearby.
		"What about you Brian?  Did you have a good old time with your fellow
Christian men and women yesterday?" AJ inquired, leaning off of Nick to
navigate the others across the street.  Brian cleared his throat and let his
eyes drop for a moment.  "No." Brian said lowly and he was a bit ashamed.
It wasn't like him to miss church, but he did when something bothered him.
He didn't need all of that love and hugging and false expressions of joy.
		Brian lifted his eyes and found Lance's pale green ones leaving shameful
marks across his skin.  He was always Lance's support when Nick and AJ
troubled him about his love for God, but now Brian was faltered.  His words
were supported by his actions anymore.  "What?  Good old Brian Littrell
missed another service with the Lord?" AJ asked teasingly, turning to Brian
with a snarky grin.  He was loving it, Brian was hating it.  "Brian was too
busy washing stripper sweat off of his body." Nick cooed, elbowing AJ with
tiny spurts of laughter peeking through his lips.  AJ joined him in the
laughter and Brian thought if he angeled his fist right, he could render
Nick unconscious with one swift throw.  "Oh yes, I heard about that.  Nick
says he took you over to Splashes of Blue and you got quite the special
treatment from Shot." AJ remarked slyly, slipping on dark shades as he
smirked at Brian.  Now Brian was sure if he put enough effort behind a
punch, he could kill Nick.
		"You went to a strip club Brian?" Lance asked, his voice harvesting
feelings of disenchantment.  "And I heard you disappeared after the dance.
Did you find a nice little young guy to explore your other sexual
possibilities with?" AJ wondered, hammering more hints to raise Lance's
disbelief.  "You went to a gay strip club?!" Lance queried with a raised
voice, his Southern kindness fading as they walked.  "Nick took me there and
I didn't know I was going." Brian explained to Lance, praying he had not
aliented the naive man too much.  "Hey, I didn't force you to sit there
while Shot freaked your body." Nick commented mischievously, pulling long
fingers through his trimmed blonde hair.  "He didn't freak my body asshole."
Brian hissed, turning his head from his friends.  He was confident that he
wouldn't be making anymore Friday night outings for awhile now.
		"Look Brian, there is nothing wrong with what occured.  Okay?  It was
harmless.  All of us know you're straight and dedicated to your girl.  I'm
sure Shot thought nothing of it and it was just a job.  That's it." AJ
assured Brian, patting his friend shoulder for comfort.  But somewhere,
those words didn't break through the concrete walls Brian's mind and heart
had begun to build.  They just rebounded off of them and left Brian with
more opposing questions.  Was it just a job because it didn't feel like a
job when they were walking and conversing and smiling helplessly at each
other.  It didn't feel like just something to do when Justin touched him in
a friendly way or stayed kind and endearing toward him even when Brian
insulted him unknowingly.  It felt like it meant something and Brian hoped
it did.
		"What do you know about this Shot guy Alex?" Lance asked suddenly and
Brian captured a smile because he knew Lance had not abandoned him yet.  "I
know people from all walks of life, dear Lance.  Therefore, I've been just
about everywhere here in Atlanta.  I've frequented Splashes of Blue, even
once with Amanda.  I know the show that Shot gives.  Trust me, he's all
dance and no men in the pants." AJ gushed, waving his hands around
dramatically because that was something AJ did to get his point across and
it was something all of them hated.  "I pray for you Alex." Lance remarked
briskly, shaking his head at AJ.  "And I pray you wake up one day with a
hangover, some dried-up prositute in an old hotel that doesn't carry a copy
of the Bible in one of the drawers." AJ cheered, mocking Lance with a prissy
smile.  Oh, Lance loathed AJ most days.
		Brian ignored his friends because if he laughed at them, they'd surely
continue the conversation and there would be no end to his weird thoughts of
the golden boy he'd probably never see again.  "Speak of the devil." Nick
whispered loud enough for the other three to hear.  Brian hated how his
mother was always right.  She warned him to never say never.  Didn't
everybody though?
		"He's not a devil, but he sure does look normal outside of those tight
drawz and oily skin." AJ remarked as Brian's eyes laid upon his golden boy.
Brian took in a corner of his lower lip and sucked on it, his shyness
encomposing him while his eyes stayed fastened on the young man sitting a
few feet away, outside of a Starbucks.  "He is the devil.  He takes his
clothes off for men.  I oughta have Pastor James pray the gee-golly demons
from his soul." Lance said and laughter spilled from AJ and Nick's lips like
water.  "Gee-golly?  Boy, you've got to go to New York and get rid of that
awful country accent." Nick boasted while Brian kept quiet eyes on Justin.
He wasn't sure if Justin would notice them from where he sat because Justin
was sitting to the side and his eyes were in a book and he only looked up
when he took quick sips of his coffee.
		Brian turned to Nick first and wanted to tell him what occured that night.
  He wanted to confide in Nick while AJ taunted Lance about the way he
spoke.  He didn't though.  He barely found enough strength to look at Justin
again and this time, he knew he had to do something.  "Go to lunch without
me." he said lowly, but AJ and Lance still heard him.  Nick was the first to
expose a surprised face while AJ pulled down his sunglasses until they
rested on the brim of his nose.  "Why?" Lance asked and Brian took another
glance to Justin, hoping it was enough for them.  "I hope it's not because
of him.  If it is, I'll go tell that fucking prick never to mess with you
again.  He needs to stay the fuck on his side of town anyway." AJ grumbled
and Nick grabbed AJ's arm without thinking.  Nick may have been brash, but
he was never as discourteous as AJ could be.  "It's not because of him.  I
want to talk to him." Brian clarified.  He detested the way Lance kept
giving him those stares as if he had shamed God's name forevermore.  Brian
felt he hadn't done shit.  He just needed understanding and he sought a way
to rid himself of dangerous thoughts.  That was it.  It was that
uncomplicated.  Or was it?
		"So you're going to go talk with him?  Eat lunch with him?" Lance
wondered, still baring ivory-green eyes strickened with detestable thoughts.
  "Sleep with him?" AJ asked playfully, poking Brian's rib.  "No." Brian
responded quickly and hasrshly.  He was tired of the questions, tired of the
constant need for knowledge from his friends.  Did privacy exist in his
world?  "So what are you going to do then?" Nick pondered, his own blue eyes
holding wonderous words of concern.  Brian shrugged and turned from them,
deciding his best step would be to walk toward Justin and leave all
questions behind.
		A small sip and glistening blue eyes returned to the pages of a book.  A
brow stayed wrinkled until perfectly shaped brown eybrows raised with
fascination lurking through blue eyes.  Pinkish-red lips twisted into a
canvas of interest and cheeks stayed soft and oddly handsome in the shadows
of the day.  His hands were still large but pliant.  He wore a loose
bandanna over his head and his ears were more noticeable, small holes almost
visible.  They were probably there for earrings, either large diamonds or
small hoops, but something that had to fit his personality.  The goatee
looked a bit lighter against the fair glimmer of the sun.
		Brian cleared his throat and let his hands escape his pockets.  He wiped
away sweat on his pants and presented an even smile when those lively blue
eyes looked up with wonder.  "Is there a waiting period before you can
redeem a raincheck?" Brian asked in his most causal voice and he was
thanfkul it was enough to give birth to an angelic smile across the
stripper's pouty lips.  He was grateful that Justin kicked out the chair
furtherest away from him, raising his eyebrows as a sign to Brian.  Brian
knew if he sat too close to Justin, he would start to have those thoughts
again and then he'd have to go see Pastor James.
		"Do you have time to chat or are you in a rush, just trying to make me
smile by saying hello?" Justin wondered, straightening up in his chair while
lowering his book.  Brian cleared his throat again and loosened his tie.  It
wasn't hot outside but there was a lump in his throat, thoughts turned into
words that were restlessly trying to escape his body.  "I wouldn't miss an
opportunity to chat with my favorite male exotic dancer." Brian responded,
graciously taking a seat in the metal chair Justin had pushed out for him.
He eyed Justin as he laid the book down on the table, bent somewhere in the
middle with the spine facing the sky, and leaned toward Brian.  "So now I'm
an exotic dancer and not some classless stripper?" Justin questioned with
risky blue eyes viewing Brian happily.  Brian chuckled lowly and leaned back
in his chair, keeping the distance friendly.  "You were never a classless
stripper, Justin.  I'm sorry if I came off that way the other night." Brian
confessed, a rumpled face of grief forcing its way through Brian's smile.
Justin licked his lips and lifted his cup.  "You didn't come off as anything
less than a nice guy that I'm thankful I met." Justin assured him with a
gentle voice.  He sipped more of his coffee and looked around, watching
others pass.  There were business people and happy couples and a few kids.
There were people and then there was Brian.  He barely knew Brian but he
knew him.  He knew Brian wasn't like the rest.  Brian wasn't a Wade or a
Howie Dorough.  Brian wasn't a Lonnie or a Mitch.  He was a Brian and he was
so original, Justin was convinced God would never make another man as
near-perfect as Brian.
		Justin rushed his eyes back to Brian because he didn't know why he was
thinking of Brian like that.  Across from him sat Brian, the guy he didn't
know all that well, but he knew Brian had a girlfriend and was heterosexual
without any question.  He knew Brian could be a friend, but that would take
work in itself.
		"So did you ever have any other dreams besides dancing?" Brian asked,
folding his arms over each other to lean on the table.  Justin shook around
the contents of his cup before sighing.  Did he really?  He's sure at one
time he did.  At one point in his life, he had other priorities, but that
changed.  It changed so quickly that Justin didn't bother to think of them
anymore.  "I wanted to play basketball for a living.  Got pretty close in my
first year of college." Justin replied, resting his cup on the table.  The
sun danced over the golden blonde hair of Brian's head and Justin smiled on
them.  Another beautiful piece of Brian's body.  Another dream he thought
of.
		"You went to college and played basketball?" Brian inquired, spellbound by
Justin.  He was more than legs and limbs that moved gracefully across the
stage.  He was normal, more so than Brian.
		Justin released his crooked grin for Brian.  He tipped his cup in one
direction and then the other, an idle game he played when he was happy.
"Basketball has been a love of mine since I was like five.  I played all
through high school and it helped me get a scholarship to a Tennesee
university actually." Justin noted.  He watched the brown liquid move from
one end to another, sort of like the way his heart went when he thought of
Brian.  "So why are you here then?  Shouldn't you be making three-pointers
and getting ready for the pro's?" Brian asked, a crease forming in his brow.
  Justin shook his head and controlled the frown that penetrated his grin.
He twitched his nose while lifting his eyes.  "I got so caught up in playing
the game that I forgot to give attention to my studies.  First semester in
and I flunked right out.  My father said I was too old to come home, so I
grabbed what little money I had from being a waiter during my free time and
hopped a bus to find my mother in Orlando.  I made it as far as Atlanta and
the rest of the story wrote itself." Justin expounded, drawing number to the
pain of his life.
		Life is never really fucked up until it becomes clear that others have it
bad.  That was a philosophy Brian couldn't help but live by.  He untangled
his arms and let one extend in Justin's direction.  He didn't dare go to
touch or even try to get closer to Justin.  He just wanted Justin to know
that support was there.  "Are your parents divorced?" Brian asked, his eyes
becoming smaller in that way only concerned people could do.  Justin nodded,
wanting to raise his cup but he didn't because Brian's arm was so close that
if he sneezed, they would touch.  "Since I was like nine?  I think.  After I
graduated from high school, my mom figured there was nothing left holding
her down in Memphis.  So she remarried, moved to Florida, and is currently
trying to find a female version of New Kids on the Block somewhere in
Orlando." Justin stated.  His face was a picture of innocent childhood
stripped away too soon.
		Brian didn't know he rolled his arm one way and that he was touching
Justin.  He wasn't aware that he liked the feel of Justin being close
because with Nick, it wasn't easy being close.  Nick was too immature
sometimes and a friend like that is never easy to truly be close to.  "Do
you they know of your sexual preference?" Brian wondered, keeping his arm
stiff.  Justin laughed at the question.  Was it always that complicated?
"I'd say that my mother knows I'm controversial.  Let's put it at that."
Justin laughed out.  Brian laughed with him and suddenly, they were friends
because Brian couldn't just laugh with anyone.  Not a real laugh.
		When the laughter had died and that awkward silence had set in like a
sunset melting away the clouds, Justin pulled his arm back and placed his
cup to the side.  He waited until Brian lifted his eyes before he glared
into them.  He attempted not to make it known, but there was something
glowing in Justin's eyes when he looked at Brian.  Brian shyly looked
downward immediately and became 'straight Brian with a girlfriend' again,
but Justin didn't mind this time.  He just wanted to see Brian smile.  That
was enough for him.
		"What about you Brian?  Did you have dreams outside of this handsome
suit-and-tie gig you've got going right now?" Justin pondered, motioning
toward Brian's wardrobe.  Brian took a quick glance at himself and smirked
clumsily.  He scratched the side of his head and stirved to remain normal,
but failed when blush crept into his cheeks and words became tangled in his
throat.  "I wanted to be a teacher.  I wanted to work with kids." Brian said
softly, still holding his dreams tight with a closed fist.  He didn't feel
so awkward telling his dreams, just knowing they wouldn't come true.  "Do
you want kids?" Justin wondered.  He didn't have to know why Brian would
want to work with them.  It was obvious.  It was a perfect vision that he
didn't even ask to have.  Brian was meant to be around children, to teach
them with his gentle hands and caring eyes and soft spoken voice.  "I want
lots of kids.  No less than two." Brian chimed in, losing his somber
attitude when the topic was presented.  He wished Justin's arm was still
there, still close because his thoughts kept meandering to what his
girlfriend had said to him so many times before.  "In fact, I've talked to
Leighanne about it and she says that if we were to get married, she'd need
some time before she was ready to actually have kids." Brian admitted,
heavenly rivers of joy drying from his face.
		That wasn't the kind of woman Brian needed.  It was plain and simple to
Justin.  What about her could be that appealing?  She didn't want what Brian
wanted.  She wanted something completely different, something Brian would
have to wait years for.
		"So why didn't you become a teacher?" Justin asked, a melody of pianos
playing in his eyes.  "Parents.  Dad wanted me to pursue a business degree
and mom just thought it'd be best to get a good paying job.  A dependable
one according to her." Brian responded carelessly, drawing back his arm with
sufferage in his eyes.  Hard rock played a rift in his heart and he let his
eyes become distant, losing themselves in musings about his parents and what
he could've had and what he knew he didn't have.
		Justin traced the rim of his cup with his finger, disconnected from
reality for a moment in rising silence.  He thought of fantasy, of autumn
leaves and long walks through a park with a lover.  He thought of happiness
because if he didn't, he'd dwell on his own existance and the things he was
unhappy with.  He'd have to look at that lonesome frown destroying Brian's
grin and remember that things were not the way he wanted.
		"So you don't work on Thursdays, huh?" Brian asked, leaning in with a keen
look in his eyes.  Justin heard the echo of the words in his head and he
withered away from his musings and dreams.  He sucked in his lower lip and
nodded bashfully because he felt like a little kid in Brian's eyes.  "Why do
you ask?" Justin questioned and he himself wanted to know desperately.
Brian cocked his head to one side and something about that smile gave
answers to whispered prayers.  "I get bored during the week, that's all.  I
know I'm working late on Tuesday and probably won't have much time Wednesday
evening, but Thursday good for me.  I'm hoping you can entertain me." Brian
stated with his honey-thick accent.  "Entertain you in what kind of way?
Friendly?  Professionally?" Justin questioned and he almost shyed away from
speaking again.  His blue eyes dripped with tinges of lust and he batted
those long lashes before whispering, "Or intimately?"  He wished, for more
than appearant reasons, he hadn't been that forward because the surprised
and slight offended look on Brian's face turned him off to thoughts of
knowing Brian any way outside of small talk.
		"I was hoping we could go out maybe as friends Justin.  You're a nice guy
and hanging out with you is always fun." Brian affirmed, leaning back in his
chair.  He didn't want the closeness to mean anything.  He didn't want
signals to be past because signals were often misread.  Especially when
Brian couldn't even understand the signals that were flashing brightly from
his heart.
		Justin found the resolve to nod.  He smiled in that uncomfortable way he
did when he made an ass out of himself.  It was rare.  He lifted his book,
closed it in his hand and lifted his cup.  "Sure, Brian.  I didn't mean to
sound like.. like anything more than friends.  Like I said, I'm not the type
to just fool around." Justin remarked, his usually warm voice drowned out by
a stiffer one.  He stood from his chair and kept a detached expression
stitched into his skin.  He almost had courage enough to walk away, but
Brian grabbed his wrist, held him still and stole away his nerve.  "Or fall
in love, huh?" Brian breathed out lowly and Justiin had to strain to hear
his words.  "What?" Justin asked loudly, his eyes growing smaller.  Brian
shook his head and licked out a smile, giving Justin's wrist a light tug.
"Let me walk you home again?" Brian requested and how could Justin resist?
He tried though.  He pulled away from Brian's loose grip and he thought of
not looking back.  He mused over not replying, walking away and waiting to
see if Thursday would come and he'd be alone or with the man that gave him
something to smile about for hours.
		He didn't do any of that though.  He walked quietly with Brian at his
side, staying just as hushed.  He let the breeze ride over his back, send a
small shiver down his arms because all he wore was a white mesh shirt and
blue jeans that hung off his hips.  If he stretched too long or too hard,
Brian could see his stomach and the trial of hair that disppeared into his
pants.  But it wasn't like Brian hadn't already.  It wasn't like Brian
wasn't one quick tug away from seeing all of Justin's body.  But that was
different.  That was intimate or beautiful or romantic.  That wasn't the way
it could've been.  It's just the way it was.
		"Have you kissed many guys?" Brian asked unexpectedly and Justin jumped
with surprise.  They were halfway to his apartment?  Maybe a little more?
They had been walking in a quiet calm, letting others pass them as if they
weren't together and now Brian wanted to ask questions again?  Now Brian
wanted to know something else about his personal life?
		Justin chose not to chew on his lower lip.  He slid a hand into his pocket
and ran a hand over his bandana, contemplating removing it to give breath to
his short-trimmed hair.  "I haven't kissed many guys at all.  In fact, I
think I've only kissed three.  And they weren't long, drawn-out make-out
sessions with lots of groping either.  Just little stuff." Justin replied,
opting to answer more questions than asked.  He knew the others were coming.
  Brian was just curious.  Or he was just too sheltered.  "Use your tongue?"
Brian asked immaturely, excitement beating through his bluish eyes.  Justin
gave him a mock face of disgust before openly saying, "Once."  He giggled at
Brian's reaction and lifted his book, using it as shade as he walked through
the resilient heat.  "Do you like messy kisses or short ones or deep ones
or..." Brian was babbling and Justin just rolled his eyes and nudged him.
"I like ones that I'll remember.  The ones where a guy has the perfect mouth
for kissing.  God just blessed him with a mouth that fits mine and moves
like silk across my skin." Justin explained with passion dressing his voice.
		Brian raised his brow, stunned.  He wasn't sure what Justin meant, but his
heart understood everything.  He eased his arms behind his back and cupped
his hands together.  He was modestly nervous.  He had to clear his throat
before he spoke.  He closed his eyes, took a breath, and thought of how easy
it was for him to ask Leighanne out the first time.  He just did it.  "What
makes a guy's lips attractive to you?  I mean, what makes his mouth
kissable?" Brian asked, his words moving quickly together.  Justin turned
his head to Brian and Brian kept his eyes still.  He let Justin look at him,
let Justin smile and snicker lowly.  "Lips aren't the first thing I check
out, but I usually give them a good once-over before kissing the guy.  I
guess smooth, soft lips are good.  I don't like big lips.  I like... I just
know when I kiss the guy what I like." Justin said, confused by his own
thoughts and the way his eyes kept drifting toward Brian's lips.  Brian
nodded because he halfway understood and didn't want to pressure Justin.
		"I think Leighanne likes my lips." Brian commented nonchalantly before
shrugging.  Justin laughed and hid his thoughts.  He turned his eyes from
Brian and bit down on his lower lip.  "Yeah, your lips are aight." he
sighed, but he was lying.  Brian's lips were much more than aight.  They
were beautiful.  They were thin, smooth, soft to the eyes.  They were that
faint shade of pink and red.  They fit Brian's face.  They were very
kissable lips.
		When Justin lowered his book, Brian watched it.  He invested his
concentration into the words written onto the spine of the book.  He said
them aloud and he caught Justin's attention because just the faintest sound
escaping his lips was enough to draw Justin's mind from anything else at the
moment.  Brian sought Justin's eyes and gave his thoughts away.  Justin's
eyes were very addictive.  They were just the right spoonfulls of pleasure,
divinity, and honesty.
		"'Conversations With God'?" Brian said again, just needing to say the
title again for assurance.  Justin thought seconds about Brian's satement
before letting his eyes fall to his book.  He lifted it up and had to read
the title himself because looking at Brian made him forget anything that
existed outside of that angel.  "Oh, yeah.  It's a great book.  It really
keeps me spiritually grounded and open to many positive things." Justin
explicated and the ginger smile on Brian's face wasn't enough.  "So you're a
spiritual guy?  I mean, you have a strong faith in God and all?" Brian
questioned, his face drawing back a curtain to reveal a questionable
expression.  He was doubting Justin.  He was being a church-going,
choir-singing guy again.  He wasn't being the open-minded Brian he had been
for what felt like hours.
		Justin sighed helplessly and forced himself to maintain a gentle
companion.  "Yes, Brian, despite what I do on some nights, I have a very
strong belief in the Lord.  A very strong belief." Justin stated and he
didn't feel right having to justify himself.  Religion was something he
always kept so private, so personal.  He didn't press it upon anyone or
judge anyone with it.  It was his and his only.
		Brian could rescue strength when he needed to.  He could remember life
mirrored innocence which trascended to beauty, leaving behind all need for
equivalence in a place deprived of sheer understanding.  "Justin, I just
think it's beautiful that you're so down to earth, so grounded, and still
have this pure faith in God." he said with the depth of sincerity singing
through his accent.
		Justin felt oxygen breathe into his heart again and he knew it was Brian's
fault.  It was Brian's fault he was somewhat speechless and there were
overly large butterflies batting pretty colored wings in his stomach.  It
was all Brian's fault that he was hating himself for liking Brian when he
couldn't have Brian, couldn't know Brian unless he knew him as a friend.
		When they reached Justin's apartment, Brian hesitated and skid his feet
against the concrete.  He looked downward and prayed for six words.  Six
easy words that he thought he remembered Justin saying the other night,  He
just wanted the opportunity to reply again and show how friendly he was.
Show that he wasn't always a complete ass who was more confused about his
own fucked up life than how he loved the way Justin stared at him.  He
wanted an advantage.  He wanted a chance.  He wanted a friend and he wanted
that in this young stripper.
		Justin pulled open the door first and then looked back.  He smiled at
Brian, trying not to giggle like a girl when he saw Brian's shyness
radiating.  "Hey.. do you want to come up?" Justin asked because he was
pretty sure that he had to ask Brian at least twice before he was sure Brian
thought he was nothing more than a stripper on an ego-trip.
		Seven words sounded a bit better than six.  There was question in the way
he spoke and it made it easier for Brian to nod.  He followed Justin after
he jammed the picture of Justin's pleased smile into his permanent memory.
He trailed behind Justin up the steps, listening to the squeak they made
when he pressed to hard and being cautious not to let his fingers linger on
the railing leading up to the door he was sure was Justin's.  He got a
little closer as they reached the top and he was warmed by Justin's body
heat when Justin stopped to jiggle the key in the door.  He breathed in the
scent of Justin's bandanna secretively.  He licked his lips and needed to
look down but he didn't because Justin's ass would be there and looking at
another man's ass wasn't his idea of the 'straight' thing to do.
		"Fuck... damn it." Justin said loudly and Brian thought that was the first
time he truly heard Justin curse.  'Not so perfect.' Brian sung to himself
and he kept a hearty grin hidden under shades of confusion.  "Hey Fatone.
Open the door, will ya?" Justin called out, pushing at a door that wouldn't
open.  It just rattled and Brian had to peek past Justin's broad shoulders
to see where the trouble stemmed.  Justin rattled the door a bit more
forcefully and Brian watched beads of anger filter out the innocent haze of
blue that once lit up Justin's azure eyes.  "It's broad as daylight out here
and there's no fucking sock on the knob, so open up the damn door man."
Justin hissed and Brian swallowed a giggle.  'A sock on the door?' he
thought and it just sounded like something he'd only hear about on
television.  He wondered how many times Justin put a sock on the door?  He
folded his arms and the idea actually angered him.  He hoped Justin was left
in the cold more than his roommate.
		The door rattled, shook and then swung open, a larger man standing on the
otherside with sleepy eyes, dishelved red hair, a thick brown beard, a
wrinkled brow, and a shirt that said some obscenities that Brian chose not
to repeat to himself.  He scratched his head and leaned on the door, his
arms crossing over his chest while his eyes stayed small and brown.  "What
was up with that Fatone?  You got a girl up in here or something?" Justin
questioned, finally grinning again as he stepped into the apartment with
suspicion written into his brow.  A girl?  Brian glanced to Justin's
roommate and offeed a small smile.  There was a nod and then an arm opened
up in a welcoming way.  Brian took the invitation and followed Justin into
the apartment.
		Brian kept his hands in his pockets when he walked through the apartment,
his lips pressed into a delicate line.  He didn't show too much emotion.
The place was fairly clean, a few clothes strewn about the couch and what
seemed to be one dish sitting idly in the middle of the table.  There was
crafty artwork around and a construction helmet laid to the right of the
couch.
		The CD collection was dense, ranging from Jodeci to Aerosmith to Enya to
the Chemical Brothers.  Brian eyed a few Stevie Wonder albums and even some
Madonna ones.  He decided to be daring and touch one of the Madonna albums,
pulling it from its place in the rack.  He kept a visual imprint of where it
went because he didn't want to be the one kicked out for fucking up the CD
collection.  He stared at it for a few moments, his eyes debating over the
artwork while reading the title over and over.  It started to become a
jingle in his head before he heard Justin say, "My ex-girlfriend used to
love Madonna.  That's why we've got a few in there."
		Brian almost dropped the CD when he heard the words, but he just cradled
the CD a little tighter until he heard the plastic begin to creak under his
fingers.  Ex-girlfriend.  Justin.  Ex-girlfriend.  Justin.  Bitch.  Justin.
Nothing about any of the words connected.  But Brian didn't really know
Justin, did he?  Those conversations weren't enough for Brian to figure that
Justin once had a girlfriend.  And it had to be recently or close enough to
it because the CD wasn't that old, at least it didn't feel that way until
Brian had pressed it into his skin until he was sure he heard something
crack quietly.
		Brian carefully returned the CD to the others and felt an aching in his
palm.  He continued to glance around while Justin and his roommate shared
some discussion about a girl named Kelly that Brian was sure dated this
Fatone guy and not Justin.  Brian's powdery-blue eyes found a few pictures
of Justin and what he thought was his mother because they shared the same
nose, facial features and crooked smile.  He turned his eyes to another
picture, a litle more recent with Justin.  Justin had strawberry-blonde
curls and was wearing a brown suede jacket, a nice shirt, and jeans with
some blonde girl latched onto his arm, smiling sweetly.  It was sickening.
She didn't look too much younger than Justin and Brian was pretty sure he
had seen the girl around Atlanta before.  Maybe at a club or something of
that nature.  He didn't care because she just looked wrong for Justin.  She
was a prom queen, head cheerleader, loved shopping instead of hanging out
kind-of-girl.  She wasn't the type to be into Justin's mind or all the
things he could talk about.  She didn't care about how beautiful his smile
was at times or the way Justin could be mistaken for an angel in disguise.
She probably liked chatting about her blonde hair and the new dres she
brought.  She probably liked making-out with him just to brag to her friends
about the sexy man she got to kiss and almost fuck everynight.  She probably
didn't think Justin had kissable lips and Brian... Brian didn't need to
think of that.
		"So Brian?  Right?" Fatone asked and Brian turned away from the picture
and washed away his face of disgust to present a simple expression for the
man.  "Yeah, it's Brian." Brian agreed, nodding like a fool because if he
looked at Justin and realized that the golden boy had once had a pretty
little young thing on his arm at least four days out of the week, he'd freak
out and leave the apartment.  "What do you think of our little Justin here?
Huh?  He takes his clothes off for men for a living.  I mean, come on, isn't
he all screwed up?" Fatone joked with Brian and Brian grinned but he didn't
laugh.  He watched the way Justin got all flustered and lowered his head
when Joey slipped an arm around his waist, pulling him close as he laughed
loudly.  "That girl fucked up his mind.  She made him forget that women
carry so much more money than men do." Joey chuckled out, squeezing Justin
tighter and Brian raised his brow while still carrying his smirk.  "My mind
was fucked up way before Britney, Joey." Justin assured his roommate.
		Joey sounded like he was right out of the Bronx, maybe Brooklyn.  His
accent was as thick as Brian's Southern drawl.  He held the features of an
Italian with muscles that seemed to be wearing away and turning into fat.
He had the grin only a friendly person could wear, yet something in his eyes
said that he didn't trust too many people.  But Justin trust him because he
was holding Justin with one arm and Justin didn't try to break away.  Joey
was Justin's protector.  After a night of men feeling on him, putting money
into his underwear, and cooing, yelling, and barking at him in drunken
slurs, Brian wondered if Joey was the one that helped him wash his face of
the tears he probably cried and helped him get into bed to forget about the
way he chose to make his money.
		"I don't think your mind is messed up." Brian blurted out and his hand
shook because he wanted to lift it and cover his mouth, but that would have
been too obvious.  Joey released Justin and shook his head with a chipper
smile.  "Yeah, neither did Britney.  The second she breaks up with him and
he's out taking his clothes off for men.  Now that's weird." Joey gushed,
slipping past Brian to walk into the dining room.
		Brian felt self-consciousand silly whn he looked at Justin with saddened
eyes.  He tried to laugh his way through his embarrassment and pulled his
eyes from Justin's gaze.  "She broke your heart?" Brian asked softly, still
holding his eyes to the floor.  "I broke her heart.  I told her.. I told her
that I loved her, but I couldn't be in love with her because I sexually
attracted to men." Justin said, letting Brian hear the shifting emotions in
his voice.  It was enough to help Brian raise his eyes and look at Justin.
Justin's eyes were shades bluer and showed small, almost unnoticeable clear
tears.  Speaking of her was hard.  "Joey thinks she broke up with me, but
actually, I broke up with her because I didn't think it was right to be her
boyfriend when I wanted a boyfriend of my own." Justin furthered his
explaination.  He lifted those soft hands and wiped away the tears, moving
in another direction to hide his face from Brian.  He was strong.  He was a
very strong man.  He didn't let much affect him, except memories.  And
memories of seeing her cry that night, watching the way she clutched onto
him, sent those tears to his eyes and he lost all of that strength and power
without trying.
		Brian ached when he heard Justin sniffle.  What was happening?  What sent
shivers through him and made him want to hold onto Justin until the night
opened up to day and exposed their covered bodies to the cascading sunlight?
  What made him lose that belief that men were supposed to be with women and
women only?
		Fingers removed tears like tongues catching snowflakes in December.
Justin orchestrated a soft, endearing smile for Brian and he tried to laugh
when Brian scooted closer to him.  "I don't usually tell anyone this.  In
fact, the only person I discuss this with is Wade and my journal." Justin
confessed, another small sniffle breaking the air.  He rested his hands at
his side and let biting tears remain in his eyes.  He was no good like this,
but like this, Brian saw the truth in what Justin was.
		"Go out with me Thursday night." Brian said quickly, but the plea in his
voice still rung like silver bells on a Sunday after mass.  He had that
desireable gleam in his eyes that made it hard to just reject him and walk
away.  He was a man lost in some new sensation and Justin found it hard to
fight.  He stood there in a moment of uncertainity because Brian was moving
in a direction that Justin didn't quite understand.  But Justin knew he
wanted to fly in those pale sky-blue eyes while hoping Brian wanted to sail
in the deep, gray-blue eyes he possessed.  Justin's mouth twisted in that
hesitant way and Brian spoke up before he could truly reply.  "No, please,
don't think about it.  Just do it.  Just go out with me on Thursday.  We'll
have a great time.  We can go down to Kirkpatrick's down there off of
Peachtree." Brian almost begs, leaving Justin's heart with nothing to do but
pound and throb for Brian.  But Brian doesn't want him like that.  He still
can't turn Brian down.  He still can't resist eyes that call on him like
that and a ghostly beautiful expression of desperation.  He chews his lower
lip and, with his teeth barely moving, he says, "All right."
		It wasn't that hard, wasn't it?  Not like the swelling he felt in his
crotch when Brian smiled gratefully and rubbed his arm affectionately.
Justin was scared because after that, Brian had to go.  He had to leave and
let Justin wait alone until Thursday night came.  Justin had to say goodbye
and he hated that he almost leaned in to give Brian a kiss, just a friendly
peck on the cheek, when Brian was leaving.  Instead, he left Brian hug him
for a second.  He let Brian whisper where the bar was and he let Brian say,
"Justin, you're one of the best people in the world.  I'm so happy I can
call you a friend now."  He permitted Brian to pull away without latching
onto him and wanting to be Leighanne for a night just so he could be held by
this man.  He nodded and giggled when Brian almost trip going to the stairs
and was that a spot of admiration in Brian's eyes when he winked at Justin
and left?
		It was Brian's turn to be scared.  He paced in front of the door to
Kirkpatrick's for what felt like an hour but was only really ten minutes.
But he looked at his watch every five seconds and thought maybe it wasn't
working.  Maybe he was too early because he never set an exact time for
Justin to arrive.  And he had looked in the bar when he first arrived and
saw no sign of the golden boy.  But maybe he was in the bathroom?  No,
because no one really used the bathroom at Kirkpatrick's.  Everyone just
showed up, had a good time, and left.  Going to the bathroom meant missing
fun and no one wanted that.
		Brian didn't know if he was dressed right, but who cared?  Justin wouldn't
care because something said he didn't want Justin to care.  Justin was a
friend.  Justin wouldn't think he was an ass for wearing a ribbed maroon
sweater and black trousers because Justin was just a friend, nothing more.
		And it was everyday that friends made Brian's palms sweaty and his stomach
flip with anxiety?  Right?  That was what Justin was doing to him.  Justin
was the reason Brian was glad Leighanne decided to stay out of town for a
few more days because then Brian felt no guilt.  He didn't feel ashamed for
spraying on cologne or for making sure he liked the way his hair was styled
and the way his sweater clung to him.  He missed his girlfriend, didn't he?
Or had he missed the reminder that he had a girlfriend, a woman in his life
and not this man that just made him happy to be where he was when he was
with him.
		None of it mattered when he caught his first glimpse of Justin.  When he
saw that lean body moving like glitter in the sky, approaching him with an
uninhibited smile and soft eyes of life, he forgot that girlfriends were
something he needed in his life to remind him of his heterosexuality.  All
he knew is that he liked the way Justin's opened button-down shirt exposed
his black wifebeater and the way Justin's jeans still hung off his hips,
except, this time he was sure he could see Justin's underwear when Justin
stretched.  He loved the way Justin wore white Reebok Classics because he
was stylish, yet comfortable, something Brian adored about his own taste.
He grinned when Justin ran a shy hand over his buzzed hair and scratched his
goatee when he advanced closer.  Did Justin shave because Brian could see
faint hairs forming a mustache and beard when Justin drew closer, finally
standing under the light with Brian and gaze into Brian's eyes with a sure
smile.
		"I'm not too late, am I?" Justin asked and Brian didn't think so.  Justin
was never too late to steal something from inside of him and pour heaven
over his soul.  Justin was right on time in his opinion.  "I'm just glad you
showed up." Brian responded proudly, sliding his hands into his back
pockets.  He was shy around Justin.  He really was.  He was a little boy,
hoping that maybe being quiet would result in a reward.  Nothing big.  Maybe
something simple.  A kiss, maybe.  A kiss?  A kiss?!  Brian didn't want a
kiss.  Did he?  No, because he had a girlfriend and he loved her and his
mother said that when he was little, he asked her what it meant to be gay
and she said that in most peoples' minds it was wrong and not something
Brian should discuss anymore.
		Brian wanted something.  He wanted Justin to stop smiling long enough for
him to remember words bigger than 'yeah' and 'okay.'  He cleared his throat
in a foolish attempt to speak.  Words were just thoughts that never made it
passed his brain.  "Justin, I'm so glad you're here with..." Brian had to
stop.  Justin raised a hand, shook his head, and gave Brian a knowing
glance.
		Justin didn't want this.  He didn't want Brian to express himself in a
flashing heat of the moment.  He didn't want it to be something Brian
apologized for later because if Brian apologized for wanting to be with him,
he'd fucking punch Brian in the jaw.  "Let's just go inside, okay?" Justin
suggests and he breaks his composure for a minute.  He didn't want it to be
like that, but he knew it had to.  He couldn't be everything to Brian, just
a friend.  He spent most of last night crying about it.  He spent the other
half telling Joey about it, sipping tea, and washing away thoughts of being
anything more than a friend to this gorgeous Southern gentlemen.
		Brian reluctantly followed Justin into the bar because deep in the shadows
of his heart, he wanted to walk side by side so that their hands could
occasionally brush against each other and their shoulders would meet and he
might be bold enough to let a finger slip into one of Justin's belt loops to
keep his close and warm.
		He didn't know why he brought Justin to Kirkpatrick's, except that Nick
always bragged about the place and the undeniably cute bartender named JC,
and Brian had been there a few times, so he knew it was fun.  They had good
beer, a wild happy hour, and other things occured that Brian had only heard
stories about but had never been there at night to bare witness to.
		The minute Brian walked in, he could tell that sometimes stories were more
than just words spoken in the wind.  He heard loud music, a few of the
patrons singing, waiters and waitresses moving from corner to corner, and
was that a girl dancing on top of the bar?  She moved with three-fourths ego
and one-fourt raunch in her steps, bobbing her head to some old Bon Jovi
song.  Brian wasn't sure qhich one and really didn't give a flying fuck at
the moment.  He was following Justin, who seemed to know the place pretty
well because he waved to a few waiters and waitresses and moved easily
through others who kept jumping from area to area.  Brian stayed close,
probably a little too close because when Justin stopped, he bumped into
Justin and his hands brushed longly against Justin's ass, something he was
pretty sure he wasn't supposed to do.  Justin only looked back with a timid
smile and motioned for him to move to Justin's side.  Brian found a stool
next to Justin at the large bar, thanking the heavens Justin didn't sit down
by the girl who still shook her hips to the melody rolling out of the
jukebox.
		Brian leaned on the bar and glanced around to Justin.  Justin was content
watching the girl and rocking his upper body to the rock melody.  "Come here
much?" Brian asked, leaning toward Justin to make sure he heard him.  "I
used to come here weekly.  A long time ago." Justin replied, liberating his
attention from the girl to smile at Brian.  He leaned nearer to Brian and
shook his head.  Brian was full of confusion and wonder and idol thoughts.
And Justin knew it.  He could see it, feel it, and almost breathe it.  "I
know..." Justin was halted from speaking further.
		"Your young ass cannot come into my bar and refuse to acknowledge me." a
fairly older, shorter man said from behind the bar, slamming down a glass of
water in front of Justin with an eager grin.  Justin's face became a ray of
holy light and he released that crooked smile.  Must've been his trademark.
"Sorry about that Chris.  I didn't see you when I first walked in and I
didn't want to leave my friend here." Justin stated before motioning his
head in Brian's direction.  Brian recognized the funny little man as the
owner.  Chris Kirkpatrick?  Yeah, that was him.  He had maroon-shaded hair
with wild brown eyes, scratches of hair representing a goatee, and earrings
in both ears.  He wore one of those punk-rock, Korn-loving ball-like
necklaces with a White Snake shirt and painter jeans.  His smile was funny,
ears were too big, and he was friendly yet grumpy at the same time.  He was
the perfect kind of owner and young sounding too.
		Chris gave Brian a curious look before nodding.  "I know you.  You come in
here with that one guy who keeps coming by here to see JC." Chris remarked
and Brian nodded because he remembered seeing Chris on a few occasions when
he frequent the bar with Nick.  Chris yanked a glass from the side and began
to fill it with beer, still shaking his head.  "I don't know what's up with
that kid, but if he wants JC's number, he's gotta get in line.  That fucker
has men and women courting him all the time." Chris laughed, sliding a glass
of beer to Brian.  Brian gladly accepted and tried to hold his laughter
about Nick.  Nick was stupid like that.  Brian remembered JC.  He was young,
vibrant, too hyper for Brian, but just the right degree for Nick.  He had a
stupid line of hair from his chin to his lower lip, shaggy hair that was
brown with golden-blonde streaks.  His face was sculpted like old art and
his eyes were glasses of pure blue water in a summer's light.  Nothing
special to Brian, but he was the world to Nick.
		"Your friend has it in for Josh?" Justin questioned and damn it, Brian
hated the way Justin said his name.  Who the fuck was Josh?  Everyone else
called him JC.  What made him so special to Justin?  "Kid can't stop coming
here and sitting right where old JC tends bar." Chris noted, serving up
another customer with a drink.  Brian sipped his beer slowly, tiring over
the conversation because he didn't invite Justin here to talk about Nick.
"Boy, I bet Wade would love to hear that.  He and JC had something going for
a few months.  I'll have to hook them up." Justin cooed, leaning away from
Brian and onto the counter.  Brian lowered his glass and tried not to choke
on his beer when he stuttered out, "Who?"
		None of his actions meant much when she stepped into the picture.  Brian
felt like a dying leaf, falling from its place in heaven and slowly circling
to the concrete, losing all colors and all shape as the wind carried him
further and further from where he wanted to be.  She moved like music,
looked like angels, and had eyes of smooth, melting chocolate.  "Looks like
Chris ain't the only one you snubbed tonight, huh sugar?" she asked with a
thick Southern drawl that matched Brian's.  Sometimes Brian hated his
accent, but not half as much as he hated her's.  She leaned on the counter
next to Justin, her jeans sliding lower on her hips while her top clutched
her breast like Scotch tape.  She had a ring in her navel, a firm stomach,
and blonde hair that she could flip and win over the heart's of millions of
men.  Justin looked on her with a smile, a smile Brian never got.  He didn't
chew his lower lip and shy away from speaking.  He was honestly enthralled
by this woman, this woman Brian recognized so well because in his dreams,
she was the other thing that kept Justin from him.
		Justin pushed his glass of water forward and sighed, still glaring at her.
  "Sorry Brit.  I would've let you know I was coming, but I figured it'd be
kind of wrong to do that since I wasn't coming to hang out with you guys
tonight." Justin explained.  She wiggled her eyebrows and sucked air through
her teeth.  "I figured that much when I saw you walk in with handsome over
there." she said, offering Brian a welcoming smile.  Brian just tightened
his jaw and lowered his eyelids.  "It's no biggie though.  At least Chris is
giving me a minute to chat with you." Britney added, turning the direction
of her employer.  "And that's all you have Britney Jean.  You and Christina
better stop flirting with my male customers and get these drink orders
filled." Chris warned, filling another mug of beer.  Britney rolled her eyes
and snickered wildly.  "We don't call it flirting, Chris." Britney gushed
like a little girl, but she was little.  She was young and looked it when
she miled right.  But she carried herself like an independent woman making
money the best way she can.
		"Britney's right, Christopher.  We call it marketing the shitty beer you
sell here." another girl boasted as she slinked behind the bar, collecting
glasses of water onto a tray.  "It's not shitty beer and don't call me
Christopher, Christina." Chris grumbled, slamming another glass onto the
bar.  Brian watched in awe.  "Did you know the average male consumes
three-times more alcohol than the average female?" Britney asked Chris and
Brian wondered why that was really relevant when Justin was looking at her
like that.  "Yep.  That means by giving your male customers a little
friendlier attention means more consumption of alcohol and more profit in
this shithole." Christina, the blonde Brian noticed dancing on the bar
earlier, added with a perky smile.  "And bigger tips for us." Britney added
softly, but Brian heard her.  She pulled a laugh from Justin and Brian hated
her.  "Did you say bigger tits to suck?" Chris asked, a face of uncertainty
masking eyes of laughter.  "Gross!  Pervert!" Britney fussed, throwing her
towel at Chris and he caught it with a laugh he couldn't bare to contain.
		"Are you going to let this old man talk to Britney like that?" another
asked and Brian caught his first glance of JC.  He got a clear, close visual
of the man his friend pined for and the one Justin affectionately called
'Josh.'  But Justin wasn't meaning to sound the way he did when he said JC's
name, right?  Brian hoped not.
		Justin kept laughing and nudged Britney.  "She's not my old maid anymore."
Justin remarked while Britney slipped away.  "You're damn right, I'm not.
So I'll handle the old man on my own." Britney insisted, moving behind the
bar as JC moved further down the cramped area.  "Handle him.  Do whatever
you want Britney Jean.  Just make sure that when you're done, Chris is able
to clean up this shithole so I don't have to stay here any later than I have
to tonight." JC prattled, snatching up two empty shot glasses from the side.
  "Another hot date?" Britney asked and all JC had to do was smile before
everyone knew the answer.  "He works at some art gallery in Snellville." JC
babbled, waving his hand around spectacularly before sliding a customer the
two shots of vodka.  "Ooh, he sounds like fun." Britney said sarcastically,
winking at Justin.  He just laughed again and Brian really hated that he
brought Justin to Kirkpatrick's.
		It wasn't that Britney was a bitch, because she wasn't.  In fact, Brian
loved her attitude, but he hated that she was everything he wasn't and
couldn't be.  She was that link to Justin that he couldn't understand and
was unsure if he ever wanted to be.  She sat on some throne in the valleys
of Justin's heart and maybe Brian didn't want to inherit her royalty, but he
was certain he wanted a taste.  Just a piece of Justin's affection and
admiration and that glow that she brought to his eyes.
		Some well-known beat came thudding into the jukebox and Britney snapped
her fingers and squealed.  Brian rolled his eyes and gulped down another
healthy amount of his beer before watching the young girl hop on top of the
bar, Christina joining her in seconds.  Wasn't that Michael Jackson's 'The
Way You Make Me Feel'?  Wasn't that a smile on Justin's face when he saw his
ex-girlfriend dancing gracefully on the bar?  It was definitely jealousy
racing through Brian's mind and heart.  He slumped back with disappointment
and misery because he wasn't holding Justin's attention at all.  He barely
got a sentence from Justin when they entered the bar and forget any looks.
They were all gone.  He just had a warm body sitting next to him, sipping
water and mingling with distinguished friends.
		It wasn't the most logical move, but Brian's mouth fell open when he felt
a finger tap the edge of his nose.  It lingered there for a second, running
down the bridge and caressing the tip.  He tapped the tip before falling
away, draining Brian of the collected anger.  He followed the path that the
finger trailed down and found Justin, a candle he hoped burned brightly for
him.
		"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Mark Wahlberg?" Justin asked,
sliding his stool closer to Brian and Brian couldn't remember any of the
words Justin said because Justin was ignoring the fact that Britney, his
ex-love-of-a-lifetime, was on top of the bar, dancing wildly and sexily to
some old Michael Jackson song.  "Did anyone ever tell you that you look like
Ryan Phillipe?" Brian managed to question because he liked this game and he
liked Justin's eyes on him.  Justin laughed lowly and nodded, laying a hand
on the bar.  "It's annoying because I don't think I look a thing like him.
Well, at least not without my curls." Justin boasted, a grin dipping into
that void that was full of strict concentration when he was watching
Britney.  Brian nodded because he understood and when he thought about it,
Justin didn't look like anyone.  He was too unique and too different and too
beautiful.  "You're a lot prettier than him too." Brian blurted out and he
wanted to kill himself now because he just told golden boy that he was
pretty.  Who the fuck says pretty?  Justin just giggled and shot Brian that
offbeat, crooked grin, a simple reply on his lips.  "Thank you.  You're a
lot more handsome than that Mark Wahlberg too." Justin said, drawing circles
with his finger across the bar.
		Brian didn't know why he let his body leaning closer to Justin, but he
just did.  What the hell?  He didn't care because he had some beer in his
system and Justin was right there, and he couldn't get Justin out of his
mind if he tried.  Justin was embedded in his brain, right next to the
ABC's.  "So what's up with the dancing on the bar and all the singing?"
Brian asked Justin because he could hear Christina singing in the background
and though she might be three-fifths bitch, she definitely had the voice to
be two-fifths Whitney Houston.  Justin glanced up to Britney and Christina,
dancing together and then shaking their hips for the males that cooed for
them.  He let out an inaudible laugh.  "Ever since that movie Coyote Ugly
came out, they've been getting customers in here by dancing, singing, and
wearing sexy wardrobe.  It's been working so far.  Usually, JC gets up there
and dances or he does some singing for the crowd.  Christina and Britney hop
on the counter any chance they get because they're still dancing in front of
the mirror, pretending their Madonna." Justin declared, slowing his finger
movement when he saw Brian lay his hand near his own.  He didn't look at the
hand, but he wanted to because he wanted to know what it looked like when
his hand was next to Brian's or a finger on top of one of Brian's.  Just
maybe his hand on top of Brian's and while words had fallen from his lips,
his body moved on its own.  He swallowed his lower lip when his hand rested
on Brian's and he waited because he knew he was going to be called a gay
motherfucker and punched in the jaw for risking something like this.
		Brian's jaw muscles moved and he licked his tongue over his lips.  Justin
watched him shyly and thought about just moving his hand and avoiding
anything else.  He felt Brian's hand shift and move and he knew it was over.
  He knew it was... it was a movement in another direction?  It was no
longer palm resting over knuckles.  It was palm-to-palm.  Soft skin brushing
against even silkier skin.  It was nice.  It was fuckingunbelieveablygood
because everything was moving so fast in Justin's mind, he wasn't sure if
his hand was still laying there.  But it was when he looked down.  It was
still there and Brian was moving his fingertips against Justin's, coddling
the fire that sizzled in Justin's skin.
		Was Brian indulging?  Was he trying to make Justin go home tonight and
jack off with Brian's body in his dreams, Brian's words in his ears, and
Brian's name on his tongue?  He must've because his thumb caressed the side
of Justin's hand and Justin was sure an erection was going to ruin the rest
of the night for him.
		"Hey sugar.  I know you didn't think you were gonna come here and not get
your ass up here and sing something with us." Britney said and Brian cursed
under his breath because Justin's eyes were stolen from him again.  He was
left with grief while Justin looked at her once more.  "But.. but I'm..."
Justin could only stutter and Brian wondered if he did that?  Did he make
Justin that way?  "But you're getting your pretty ass up here and singing
something.  You're damn right honey." Britney insisted and Brian was left
with just a mug of beer when Justin laughed and crawled onto the bar with
her.  She assisted him in standing and Christina led him to the middle.
"Oh, this should be interesting." Chris scoffed, leaning near Brian and
Brian nodded with a fake expression of interest.  The only thing he was
truly interested in was having that beautiful boy near him again, hand in
his hand, eyes deep in his eyes.
		"Britney picked this one out Justy." Christina confessed loudly and soon
the song flooded into the bar, something slightly familiar to some but more
than familiar to Justin.  He turned to Britney with a sigh and a face full
of disbelief.  "Oh boy, you better do something up here for my customers."
Britney commanded with a smirk, bumping her hips to Justin's.  She gave him
a small push in the other direction and Justin knew why.  He knew why she
picked that song of all songs.  She had seen him.  She had seen the look in
his eyes and Britney didn't like the shy role.  She always put her feelings
out on the line for others to understand.  She prided in instilling that
into Justin, but she had some more work to do.
		Justin wsasn't shy when it came time to entertain.  He rolled his hips a
little and waited for the first coo before letting a hand glide from his
chest to stomach.  He felt silly because he wasn't stripping or dancing to
the music he had chosen but when Britney and Christina came behind him,
humming the music and dancing foolishly, he couldn't help but remember the
lyrics to the song and sing.

	Swaying room as the music starts
	Strangers making the most of the dark
	Two by two their bodies become one

		It was an '80s song.  It was a Madonna song.  It definitely had to be
something Britney picked out.  Justin took light steps toward the area he
wanted to be at.  He stood over Brian, allowing Chris to pull the glass of
beer away while Justin spread his legs into a comfortable stance and sung
for Brian.  Justin grinned when Brian looked up and he leaned lower, making
sure he was in front of Brian, looking into those eyes because that's what
Britney wanted.  That's what he wanted.  He wanted it out there, wanted it
known, wanted to stop thinking and start living a dream.

	I see you through the smokey air
	Can't you feel the weight of my stare
	You're so close but still a world away
	What I'm dying to say, is that

	I'm crazy for you
	Touch me once and you'll know it's true
	I never wanted anyone like this
	It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
	I'm crazy for you, crazy for you

		Britney and Christina swayed and bopped and sung behind Justin like a '50s
girl group.  He tried not to laugh but he giggled when he was singing
because he did feel foolish and embarrassed but he kept his eyes on Brian.
He sung to Brian.  He smiled at Brian and for some odd reason, Brian smiled
back.  Brian was enjoying this.  He was enjoying Justin's performance and
most of all, Brian was enjoying Justin's confession.

	Trying hard to control my heart
	I walk over to where you are
	Eye to eye we need no words at all

		Justin rolled his hips, thrust his crotch and laughed because he was
definitely looking like an ass, but he was an ass falling for someone.  He
reached out his hand and he was as uncertain as Brian, but he still prayed
there was a response.  He prayed Brian understood and that Brian wouldn't
reject him and give him that friendly look again.  He didn't want that when
he was making a fool of himself for one person.  He just wanted that
sureness that he had once saw in Brian's eyes.
		Brian responded kindly.  He didn't know what he was doing or why he was
doing it.  He didn't know if he'd want to know what he was doing when he did
it, but he grabbed Justin's hand and found the strength to get up on the
bar, stand there when Justin moved back and smiled at him.  He blushed when
others cheered him on and He moved his body some, finding a rhythm in the
song.  He was glad Justin didn't let his hand go because he didn't want to
let Justin's go.  He held it and let Justin walk to him again, pull him
close and then laugh.  Brian laughed too and he smiled when Justin released
his hand and walked behind him, slow gentle hands riding from Brian's ribs
down to his waist.  The hands latched onto his hips and forced Brian to sway
his hips and enjoy the music and the feel of Justin.

	Slowly now we begin to move
	Every breath I'm deeper into you
	Soon we two are standing still in time
	If you read my mind, you'll see

	I'm crazy for you
	Touch me once and you'll know it's true
	I never wanted anyone like this
	It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
	You'll feel it in my kiss

	I'm crazy for you
	Touch me once and you'll know it's true
	I never wanted anyone like this
	It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
	I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
	Crazy for you

		Justin danced from behind Brian and he let Christina and Britney dance
near Brian, still singing the background vocals in perfect tune.  Justin
moved down to where JC was and grinned, leaning down to whisper something
into his ear.  Brian wasn't sure what it was but he knew it wasn't something
bad when JC smirked wildly and hand Justin a strawberry out of a bowl full
of them.  Brian shivered and he was scared now because watching them sing
and dance was fine.  Laughing at them was customary.  But that look beating
in Justin's eyes wasn't something he was really ready for.  Not lust, but
passion of the heart.  It was true attraction and not something guided by
hormones.
		Justin sauntered down the bar and scooted past Christina and Britney.  He
picked off the green leaves and tore off the top with his thumb, dropping it
onto the bar.  He got shyer when he got closer to Brian, but he remained in
control because that's what he had to do.  He had to be a man and not a
quiet, waiting boy.

	It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
	And you know it's true
	I'm crazy, crazy for you

		Justin got cheers from everyone but he only wanted it from one person.  He
stood in front of Brian, a hesitant hand lifting the strawberry up.  Brian's
face was serious, a little frightened and Justin thought about just backing
away, hopping off the bar, and walking home.  But he stayed and placed the
strawberry in front of Brian's lips.  He thought it meant something.
Thought that maybe Brian understood.  But he stood there.  He stood.  Right.
  There.
		Brian's mouth opened and the heaven's opened their gates.  He inclined and
took the tip of the strawberry in his mouth.  Justin was caught off guard
and he didn't know what to do.  He didn't expect Brian to do anything.  He
thought he was defeated, fallen.  But Brian was still there with the
strawberry between those lovely pink lips and Justin was scared.  "Bite!
Bite!" came from around the bar and Justin didn't need that.  He didn't need
loud mouths scaring away this handsome man.  He just needed strength.  He
just needed faith.  He just needed to close his eyes and then he felt it.
He felt the brush of Brian's soft, thin lips when he stole the other half of
the strawberry from Brian's mouth.  He pulled back quickly because he didn't
want Brian to freak out but Brian just chewed and smiled.  He smiled at
Justin.  He never ran or flinched or moved.  He was there and so was his
heart and so was everything he tried to tell himself wasn't possible for
days and nights and nights and days.
		Justin had to move back and giggle because now he really did feel silly.
He was blushing and his eyes had stars in them.  He was happy,
uncontrollably happy.  He let Britney guide him back to the otherside of the
bar and he watched Brian hop down from the bar, still grinning at him the
way he wanted Brian to.
		Brian bumped into a body when he escaped the bar and he looked up with
that foolish grin.  He saw Lance and he saw Mandy and he saw Lance's angered
expression.  He saw all of his own joy fade and die in the shadows.  "What
are you doing?" Lance asked, his voice so stern and stiff.  It didn't even
sound like Lance.  His voice was deeper and coated in disgust.  "Lance.. uh,
we were just... we were just having some fun." Brian stumbled out and he
looked to Mandy who seemed confused by her boyfriend's anger.  "Having some
homosexual fun?  Having sinful fun?" Lance questioned Brian and Brian
sighed, dragging his hand over his hair.  "Lance, baby, shouldn't we go get
a table or something?" Mandy inquired, hoping to spare Brian his punishment.
  Brian gave her a grateful look but it wasn't enough to move Lance.  "You
know what we don't condone.  You have a girlfriend.  You're supposed to be
in love with her and not messing with that sinful, evil stripper." Lance
hissed, leaving Brian in a pile of fallen stars.
		"Who doesn't condone this Lance?  You?  I'm out here having fun.  And
yeah, I'm having fun with another guy.  But he's not eveil or sinful or
anything less of a person just because he loves other men." Brian spit out
and he never thought he would have the strength to do so.  He never thought
he'd stand up for something he was taught was wrong.  But he did it.  He did
it for Justin.  He did it for Nick.  He did it for his own heart.
		Mandy exhaled deeply and shook her boyfriend, her green eyes filled with
hope.  "Come on Lance.  Let's go get a table." she pleaded, tugging on
Lance's arm.  Lance eyed Brian spitefully.  He squinted his eyes and his
eyebrows lowered even more.  "I hope you prepare for a lot of hot weather
when this life is over, Brian Littrell." Lance grumbled toward Brian before
escorting his girlfriend past Brian, leaving behind trail blaze of deep
emotions that Brian wasn't truly prepared for.
		Brian felt tears stinging his eyes and was reality finally sinking back
in?  He had a girlfriend.  He had Leighanne.  He had his girlfriend, his
dog, his house, his fucking job and his more-than-happy family.  He had it
all?  No, he didn't have shit.
		"Some guy has a dick up his ass." Britney remarked, leaving Brian to hide
tears and face her with an unspoken smile.  "He's usually a lot more
polite." Brian commented, but it didn't mean much.  Britney still wore a
face of repugnance and Brian still fought biting tears.  "I really don't
care about him.  I care about the fact that Justin's outside waiting on you
and you're sitting up in this joint." Britney said, her voice not chipper
nor angered.  Brian turned to her because he had to.  He had to know.
"Why's he waiting outside for me?" Brian wondered aloud.  Britney sighed and
Brian knew not to ask another question.  "He's waiting outside for you
because he wants to leave and go somewhere where you two can be alone.  He
wants to talk without all this damn noise." Britney stated, folding her arms
under her chest.  Brian just nodded because he knew not to ask questions,
even though he had hundreds more for Britney.  He knew not to keep Justin
waiting because he and Justin might both lose the courage to be anywhere
alone again.
		Before he could move, a hand grabbed his arm.  It squeezed muscle and held
him still.  She wasn't letting him walk away that easily.  "He has only
looked at me like that.  Never anyone else until now.  He doesn't smile like
that for just anyone and he doesn't show that much emotion for any man.
He's been fucked over too many times in his life." Britney informed him with
a stricter tone.  Her accent diminished when she was serious.  Everything
about her kindness died out when she spoke of her ex-boyfriend.  "I'm asking
you to make up your mind because I don't want him hurt.  I don't want him to
regret feeling this way and I don't want him to need pitty from me.  So
decide whether or not you feel anything for him or you're going to be his
friend like the rest of us.  There isn't going to be any in-between." she
insisted and Brian just nodded again.  There was no arguing with a woman
like that.  There was no need to explain feelings that he couldn't.  She had
an agenda and there was no straying from it, at least not for Brian.
		Crisp air engulfed them and strong feelings didn't dare go soft.  Brian
was hesitant, Justin was reluctant and they both stood in front of each
other with eyes of wonder and trembling lips of need.  Justin moved first.
Only his lips, but they were enough.  "Brian, I'm sorry about the kiss in
there.  I shouldn't have done it.  We're supposed to be friends and I don't
want to scare you away by doing something that I knew I shouldn't have."
Justin babbled and Brian looked at him with wonderment.  What was Justin
saying?  He shouldn't say it.  Brian thought otherwise.  "Justin, don't say
that.  You are my friend and I'm not scared." Brian said, laying fingers
over Justin's lips because he didn't want an argument or a rebuttal.  He
just wanted Justin to stand there and looking like dreamy stars in a violet
sky.  It was ambivalent bliss and it soaked Brian in emotions he was slowly
learning about.
		"Y-Yo-You're not scared?" Justin choked out, eyes widening while jaw went
slack.  Brian shook his head and grinned.  It was all he could do to express
himself.  He watched that lower lip slip in and white teeth peek out.  "If
you don't mind, I'd like you to come to my house with me." Brian requested
and his hand instinctively lifted.  It waited in nippy air and maybe he was
scared.  He was scared that he was moving in the wrong direction and Justin
didn't want to walk with him.
		But a hand slipped into his.  A hand gripped his and made a secret promise
not to let go.  A hand stayed in his until they reached his house and when
they walked inside, a hand clutched a little tighter because they walked in
the dark into the living room, where Brian turned on dimmed lights and let
Justin sit down on one of the plush couches, offering him a drink before
slipping away to the kitchen.
		Was Brian seducing Justin?  Wasn't Justin the one who liked men and not
Brian?  Brian couldn't have been seducing Justin because when he came back
into the room, he flipped on some mellow music, gave Justin a glass of
water, and sat next to him like a friend would, with the proper amount of
distance and no limbs close enough to brush.
		Brian had kicked off his shoes somewhere between the kitchen and the
living room and Justin found his feet cute.  He giggled to himself and
turned until he sat on one of his legs and was facing Brian.  He placed his
glass of water on the floor and stared at Brian, admired the way Brian tried
to find other things to look at.  He thought to speak, say something nice
about how innocent Brian looked, but Brian spoke before he could.  "Is my
mouth kissable now?" Brian asked.  Justin blinked back surprise and let his
mouth drop some.  Didn't they have that conversation?  What had Justin said?
  Something about having to kiss a man first?  "I.. I don't know Brian.  I
barely kissed you." Justin replied, looking down into his lap.  It was a
chaste kiss, one that Justin would never forget but it was too short to be
remembered at the moment.
		Brian scooted closer, Justin listened to his heart beat faster.  Brian
tredded a finger over Justin's jeans and Justin swallowed cotton balls in
his throat.  Brian whispered something about another kiss to find out and
Justin lifted his eyes because he knew he wasn't supposed to kiss Brian.  He
nearly died when Brian's hands cupped his face and held it still.  They were
so soft and so gentle and so unbelieveably careful with him.  He was Brian's
china doll, handle with care and compassion.  He thought it was instinct to
close his eyes, but he did it to make sure he wasn't just dreaming and
really passed out somewhere in his room.  His body wanted to gasp when that
first hint of heat swept over him, but he didn't.  He wanted to purr when
Brian's lips brushed his, tentative at first, but more focused with time.
He lifted his hand and ran it over Brian's hair when Brian pressed down
harder and ran his thumb under Justin's eye.  His leg moved closer and
brushed Brian's thigh when Brian changed the angle and kissed at his bottom
lip.  He nuzzled his nose to Brian's when Brian started to pull back and let
a small groan cross his mouth into Brian's when Brian rejoined Justin's
lips.
		Damn, Brian was more than just a good kisser.  He was a fantasy in the
clouds that Justin could finally touch, capture, and hold until it faded
away.  He didn't want Brian to pull away.  He held onto Brian's ear when the
older man tried to move back.  He rubbed the lobs affectionately and
breathed in Brian, tasting the sweet nectar that still lingered on his lips.
  Fuck the stories, this was heaven.
		"Brian... your lips are very kissable." Justin gasped and he timidly
released Brian's head while Brian's own hands dropped from his face.  Justin
had to breathe, remember his life wasn't over when Brian pulled back and
eased away from his face.
		"Justin.. you..." Brian didn't even know how to say the words.  He slipped
his hand into Justin's lap and let it trickle over clothed thighs and
higher.  It ran over a crotch, brushed a crotch, and then massaged it.  His
hand was there and he wsn't sure if it was because it was supposed to be or
because it's what Nick told him always felt good.
		Justin shook, bit his lower lip, and then saw it in Brian's eyes.  What
the hell was he doing?  Leighanne.  Family.  Everything about his life said
he wasn't ready to enter Justin's world.  He swatted Brian's hand away and
frowned.  He shook his head and turned his eyes downward.  He scooted back,
his back resting against the arm of the couch.  "You can't do that.  You
can't do any of this Brian.  I know what I feel, but you don't.  You're with
Leighanne and you're straight and you can't feel this way for me." Justin
insisted, still shaking his head because he was ashamed and hurt and wanting
to be with someone that wasn't made for him.  And when Brian tried to move
closer, Justin stood.  He closed his shirt over his body and hugged himself
with humiliation written into his face.  "I'm falling for a man who doesn't
even believe I'm right.  In your world, I'm sin and Brian, I don't want to
be a sin you are tempted by." Justin whimpered.  "But Justin, you're wrong.
I'm not tempted.  I want..." Brian sighed and stopped.  Was he lying?  Was
he even going to admit it out loud or to himself?
		There was never any time to figure out what the mind meant and what the
heart really felt.  Something always inaded the area and stole precious
thoughts from their home.  "Brian?  Sweetie?  I'm home." came the voice and
then Brian shudder.  He stood and he shook away his feelings for a moment
because Leighanne pranced into the dimly lit living room with a ponderous
look on her face.  Brian swallowed everything he wanted to say to Justin and
thanked the heavens Justin collected himself enough to release his shirt and
stand erect.
		"Hey Leigh." Brian coughed out and Leighanne offered him a presentable
smile.  She strolled over to him, heels clicking against the woodgrain floor
and Justin lifted teary blue eyes to glance at her.  Typical blonde with all
the right curves, the right walk, the perfectly neat stockings, a pretty
smile, and eyes that were too fancy to be real.  He sniffled lowly and
backed away, moving toward the door because that's where he belonged,
outside.
		Brian thought that Leighanne tasted Justin on his lips when she placed a
small peck on them.  Her kisses were never passionate or drawn-out.  Always
chaste or petite, like her.  She laced arms around his neck and then glanced
to Justin.  "Who's your friend baby?" she asked, tangling fingers in Brian's
hair.  Could she feel where Justin's hands had been?  Could she smell him on
her boyfriend?  Was she truly naive when she saw the hurtful appearance
encompassing Justin's face?
		"Uh, Leighanne, that's Justin.  He's my..." Justin didn't let Brian
finish.  "Met him at the bar.  I gave him a ride home." he said briskly,
still edging toward the door.  Brian didn't want him to go.  In fact, he
wanted Justin to stay, talk to him, help him understand.  "But I didn't see
another car outside." Leighanne said with puzzlement and Justin's hand
finally gripped the doorknob, gave it a swift turn and yanked the door open.
  "Gotta go.  It was nice meeting you miss." Justin said and he didn't want
to stay long enough to see her face anymore.  He couldn't take it.  She was
a nice woman.  She wasn't what Justin hoped.  He hoped for a bitch, someone
manipulative and eager to control Brian.  But in the two minutes he knew
Leighanne, he could tell she was definitely what Brian's parents order:
Nice, endearing, loving, and a woman.  She was a fucking woman.
		Brian thought about it.  He thought about it that night, when he was lying
to his side, letting warm tears seep out of his eyes while Leighanne sat up
in bed going over more work.  He thought about it when she asked him to make
love to her and he refused, running into the bathroom to vomit and then cry.
  He mused over it at work the next day, doing nothing but sitting at his
desk and praying life would end that night.  He thought about Justin when he
went to lunch with his friends and Lance barely spoke five words to him
while AJ was overly chipper and Nick was just Nick.  He wanted to cry again
when Nick blew put a puff of smoke, mentioning how Brian didn't seem too
happy like he was the other day.  He said Brian wasn't Brian and Brian knew
he wasn't Brian.  He didn't laugh when Nick made a comment about Brian going
to lunch with Justin and how he was "crossing over."  He excused himself
when Lance made a rude comment about the way their waiter acted too
feminine.  He locked himself in a stall, thought some more, and wiped away
tears when Nick knocked on the metal and questioned Brian's illness.  Brian
didn't respond, but he thought.
		Brian stopped thinking when the night came.  He didn't go out with Nick
this time.  He told Nick he couldn't and Nick settled with a frown and
escaped work early to go to Kirkpatrick's, see JC, and pretend he was
getting laid.  Brian resolved his anger, his pain, and his selfishness
before eight o'clock came.  He settled his issues at home by nine and was at
Splashes of Blue right before ten.
		He waited by the bar for awhile.  He didn't drink anything.  He didn't
speak to anyone.  The men that hit on him called him a prick for ignoring
them and the women that him on him called him gay.  He was both.  It wasn't
anything he could deny anymore.  He believed it wasn't something he truly
wanted to ignore.
		When Justin didn't come out to perform later on, he thought about
returning home and sulking.  He considered calling it a night and rinking
himself into a coma to forget the week.  He listened to a slow, spellbinding
melody play over the speakers and wondered why the club opted to play such a
dreary ballad?  But the attendants loved it.  They danced and laughed and
celebrated while he just sat.

	Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
	They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
	Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind
	Possessing and caressing me

	Jai guru de va om
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world

		What did Brian need Justin for anyway?  He was fine without him.  He lived
twenty-six years of his life without anyone like Justin.  He didn't need
someone like Justin.  Someone who touched him like feathers dancing in the
wind.  He didn't need to deal with a man who loved what he loved, laughed
when he laughed, and smiled when he smiled.  Why would Brian want to be
around someone that kissed him like a soulmate and looked at him like a
lover?  What was Justin?  His everything?
		Yeah, he was.  He was the closest thing to divinity in Brian's life.  He
was Brian's one moment of happiness and Brian was deprived of every emotion
without Justin.  Every emotion accept sadness.  He was numb without Justin
because that was his golden boy.  That was the one he wanted in his life
forever.
		"He's not here anymore Brian." a voice said and Brian wondered if he
really needed to hear that?  It had become a vile realism.  He lifted his
pale blue eyes and found Wade, a look of disappointment surrounding Wade's
face.  Brian nodded and sucked in his bottom lip because he missed when
Justin used to do it.  He missed his golden boy.  "He was here earlier, but
he left.  He said he just couldn't do it.  Not after last night.  He said
he'd probably be back to normal tomorrow, but tonight, he just can't dance
for any of these assholes when in his heart, he only wants to dance for
you." Wade stated and they were the most beautiful words Brian had heard in
ages.  They were poetry without the scars.
		Brian cleared his throat and stood from his stool.  He might've hated Wade
before, before he knew what a good person really was, but he needed Wade
now.  "Do you think he went to Kirkpatrick's?" Brian asked, shoveling his
hands into his pockets.  Wade glistened with sweat and Brian remembered
seeing him on stage.  He remembered watching how limber Wade was and how he
danced like he was made of jello and sex.  Hell, Wade even smiled like sex.
He wondered if Wade could even remember Justin leaving after all the men he
flirted with to collect extra money tonight?
		"No, he wouldn't go there.  Britney usually has the night off on Friday's
and he's not in the mood to laugh with the others.  He's probably at home.
Or at her place." Wade said, rustling fingers though his spikey hair.  Brian
nodded and maybe Wade was all right after all.  He hadn't stirred Brian
wrong yet.  "Try his place though.  My guess is that Justin is really fucked
up right now and that's the best place for him." Wade suggested, leaning up
against the bar like a man in heat.  He winked to a few of the other men and
then nodded to Brian.  Brian couldn't smile but he could brush a hand on
Wade's arm to say thank you.  He could offer that friendly gesture because
it was all he had left without Justin.

	Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
	They call me on and on across the universe
	Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
	They tumble blindly as they make their way
	Across the universe

	Jai guru de va om
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world

		Brian considered going home again.  He mulled over not doing this to
himself because if he was Justin, he wouldn't give him a chance to speak a
single word.  He'd slam the door and curse him from behind the wood.  But
that wasn't Justin.  Not the Justin he had to come to know in what?  A week?
  Did Brian really fall that easily becase for at least ten years, it took
him forever to admit he cared for any woman.  Now he could admit it to a man
in a week?  He could confess love?  Brian?  Brian Thomas Littrell could tell
this man he loved him?
		He didn't have much of a choice though because the moment his hand dared
to raise and knock on that door, he was stuck.  He had to follow his heart
or he'd surely want to die tonight.  He'd have to lock himself away from
everything because he'd already given up so much.  He was left without a
choice or a chance.
		Brian heard a chain slide against metal, pop open and jiggle against the
door.  The door gradually opened.  A head peeked out and tousled red hair
peeked out, followed by curious eyes.  Brian chewed on the edge of his lip
and prayed Joey recognized him.  "Brian?" he asked and Brian barely smiled
before nodding.  He was fearful and desperate.  The door slung open more and
Joey leaned on it, droopy eyes showing signs of exhaustion.  He scratched
his arm and sighed loudly.  Brian knew he knew.  It was in his expression
and his standoffish nature.  It was in the way he didn't really speak, just
looked.  It was in the way he wasn't really Joey, just a man at the door.
		"He told me." Joey said bluntly and Brian let his eyes drop because he
felt bad.  He felt terrible.  He couldn't be anything more.  "But I think I
know what you're going through.  JC went through the same thing before he
admitted to everyone he was bisexual.  He broke up with the girl he had been
with for four years before being able to tell me about it.  It was being
with Wade that really opened his eyes and though he and Wade didn't have the
same feelings for each other that I think you and Justin have for each
other, it still hit home pretty hard." Joey said and Brian was enlightened.
He was aware.  JC became Josh to Justin through Wade.  Justin became close
to Joey through Wade and JC's relationship and Justin was hesitant because
of what he saw between Wade and JC.  That had to be it because if it wasn't,
Brian was truly lost with no hope of finding himself again.
		"Come on in.  His bedroom is the second room down the hall." Joey
insisted, leaning off the door.  Brian looked up and he had no more time to
ponder where his life was to go.  He had to take a step, hda to walk inside,
and had to walk silently down the hall until he reached Justin's room.  He
pushed the door open quietly and wished there was more light outside of the
moon peeking ivroy light through half-open blinds.  He wished Justin wasn't
curled up on his bed, sleep with that look of discomfort from crying too
much.

	Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing
	Through my open ears, inciting and inviting me
	Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
	It calls me on and on
	Across the universe

	Jai guru de va om
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world
	Nothing's gonna change my world

		It was a lie.  Everything was going to change Brian's world.  When he took
light footsteps to Justin's bed, his life was accelerating toward dangerous
roads.  His whole world was morphing, molding into something he wasn't used
to, but something he could see himself growing accustom to.  He kicked off
his shoes and stared down at his angel, sleep in a haze of strained
thoughts.  He wanted to pet him, coddle him, and believe Justin wouldn't
kick him away.  But that wouldn't be reality.  He just watched the lustrous
moonlight draw shadows over his face and cast brilliant images of stars
across Justin's arched body.
		He dared to rest one knee on the bed and then the other.  He lost
self-consciousness feelings as he crawled into the bed and sat over Justin,
unsure of what he was to say.  He laid a hand on Justin's cheek and caressed
it, rubbed it until Justin's eyes began to blink open and stare up at Brian.
  Brian didn't smile or flinch, but he didn't whisper words in his mind,
words of encouragment.  Brian could still see traces of eye makeup smudged
against Justin's eyelids.  He saw almost rubbed away gloss on Justin's lips
and glitter was clinging to Justin's skin like smeared paint.
		"What.. what are you doing here?" Justin asked and Brian quickly laid his
fingers over Justin's lips.  He let them get slick with the gloss and he
tried to contain tears that flooded his own eyes when he looked down at
Justin.  It had only been a day, not even twenty-four hours, and it had felt
like years.  He almost lost this.  He just shook his head and blinked back
stinging tears.
		Brian sniffled and reminded his heart why he was there.  He brushed his
thumb over the corner of Justin's mouth, trying to remember every curve he
had kissed the night before.  "I am sorry.  I am so very sorry.  When you
pushed me away last night, I started to think it was really wrong to want to
be with you the way I did." Brian said, whimpers being choked back by words
that had to escape Brian's body.  Letters tried to form together and verbs
strived to find their place in Brian's sentences, but he didn't really care
if he didn't make sense forever.  He just needed Justin to understand him
for one minute.  Just one moment he could hold onto until the world fell
away.
		A tear slide down Brian's cheek and cascaded down to Justin's.  It sat
there, warm, salty and alone.  "I don't think the life you lead is wrong.  I
don't think you're wrong or sinful or anything of that holy bullshit.  I
think you're the one person in my life that truly makes me happy and, God,
please don't make me live without it." Brian pleaded and a sob finally broke
through, rumbling from his throat until passing over Brian's thin, swollen
lips.  He kept his fingers over Justin's lips because he wasn't finished.
He had to say everything to save his heart.  He let other tears join the
sole tear on Justin's cheek and watched Justin through blurry eyes.  He
watched tears rll out of the corner of Justin's eyes and smear his eyeliner,
blotch his cheeks and spiral down to Justin's pillow.
		"I don't care if I'm gay and the whole world hates me because of it.  I
just care about you and I.. I.." Brian still didn't know if he could ever
say it.  He felt Justin nod his head but that wasn't enough.  What was
Brian?  Scared?  Because if he was scared, he could never be as scared as he
was to admit it to his heart.  "I am so ready to be in love with you." he
finally said aloud, a whispered confession he thought would never exist.
		Brian drew back his fingers because he wasn't sure if he could say
anything else and Justin's breaths were becoming heavier.  They were quicker
and he was whimpering.  Brian glided his thumb over Justin's cheek, painting
streaks of make-up across Justin's face.  He sobbed again and closed his
eyes.  This was emotion.  It was beautiful and liberating.  He didn't care
if Justin made him leave now because he said the words.
		Hands gripped his waist and tugged on him.  Brian fought with wet lashes
to open his eyes.  He stared down to Justin.  He watched words form across
pouty lips.  "I like to go dancing.  I love to sit up late at night and
watch movies.  I can't go a week without playing basketball and I've been
told that I move around a lot in my sleep." Justin said, leaving Brian
baffled.  Why was he saying this?  This wasn't what he wanted to hear or
what he needed to hear.  But maybe it was?  "I'm pretty grouchy in the
morning until I get something to eat.  I like to light candles and sit
around just to think.  I burp loudly and when I'm mad, I tend to curse too
much.  I've never had sex and I've never truly been in love." Justin added
and Brian just nodded, wiping away painful tears.  He laughed lowly and
circled his thumb over Justin's forehead.  He didn't expect it, but he
waited.  He hoped it was said.
		"Now if you can handle all of those problems, then I want to say I wanna
be with you and won't stop loving you until you tell me to." Justin declared
and there was no sob nor whimper three.  There was strength and confidence
in his tone.  Brian leaned down and kept his unbreakable smile.  "And I will
probably never tell you to stop." Brian whispered before craddling Justin's
face in his hands and claiming Justin's lips once more.  He held his golden
boy and kissed him.  He kissed him until his lips hurt.  He made love to
Justin's lips with his tongue and his teeth.  He took his golden boy into
his arms and promised to love Justin.  He promised that his relationship
with Leighanne was over and that Justin was his and his only.
		And he promised the world to Justin right before he asked Justin to make
love to him.  He pledged his body to Justin when Justin sucked on his neck
and he called upon the heavens when Justin swallowed his cock, tasting him
and licking him until he came, Justin's name forever burned onto his tongue.
  He swore to surrender his heart to Justin when Justin opened him with his
fingers and he cried when Justin entered him.
		Brian vowed to laugh and cry and stay near to Justin when Justin moved
inside of him.  He clenched the sheets and groaned loudly when Justin glided
further into him.  His eyes stayed shut and he let Justin kiss the groans
off of his lips when Justin hit his prostate.  His toes even curled when
Justin bellowed out his name.  His legs wrapped around Justin's lower body
and he dared not to let Justin escape him, not even when Justin came.  He
let the hot semen enter his body and he just held Justin, rubbing his back
and crying against Justin's shoulder because he had found his happiness.
		In the morning, pressed against Justin's body with Justin's arms around
his waist and his hand on Justin's shoulder, Brian watched the first sunrise
with a man in his life.  He awed at the glisten, golden streams of heaven
sparkling over Justin's skin.  He kissed Justin's collarbone and moaned when
Justin nuzzled his chin to his head.  He pleaded with Justin to quit his
career as an exotic dancer and Justin agreed.  He promised to open up a
studio for Justin and Wade to teach dance classes and Justin smiled in his
half-woken state.  He slipped a finger over Justin's nipple and pressed his
rising erection to Justin's thigh and asked Justin to move in with him.
Justin agreed silently because he was too busy rolling Brian over and
kissing his lips to say anything vocally.
		Brian just laid back on the bed, crushed under his lover's warm body and
traced fingers over his golden boy's skin.  He moaned when Justin licked his
bottom lip and proceeded to suck on it.  He danced fingers over Justin's
back and whispered to Justin.  He said dirty words, words he thought he'd
never say to another.  He giggled when Justin giggled and sighed when Justin
cupped his erection.  This was what he wanted.  He wanted passion and love.
He wanted another man to hold him, understand him, make love to him.  Brian
wanted Justin and finally had him.
		Brian cried again that morning when he entered Justin for the first time.
He kissed Justin's lips swollen and thrust into him repeadtedly.  All the
while, Justin stared up at him with adoring, fascinated eyes.  Justin called
out his name like an echo of thunder in a storm of rain.  Brian found
paradise in Justin's face of ecstasy and when he had finished, had withdrawn
himself from his lover, and held him closely under the sheets, he wondered
if he'd ever need to worry about happiness again?  He simply smiled at his
sleeping lover and forgot the world.  He traced his fingers over Justin's
shoulder and watched the way his skin looked against the smudges of glitter
that shimmered against Justin's golden flesh.

	I believe we all have one true love
	Somewhere in this world, I do
	When it seemed all my dreams were falling through
	That's when I found you

	I believe for every heart that whispers in the dark
	There's a ray of light somewhere, shining through
	It was sink or swim when the tide came in
	I found myself

	When I found you
	I found the closest thing to heaven
	Rests in you
	I found the deepest love I knew
	Ooh, ooh, oh I believe
	Yes, it's true
	I found myself when I found you

					THE END

--- I decided to keep the whole story behind the production of this tale
until the end.  I've wanted to write a different story for almost a year.
I've had ideas for months about different stories I could write involving
Brian and Justin and I didn't finally get the courage to write this one
until I took a step back and really thought about whether or not I could
make it happen.  I know a lot of ideas come to mind, but I can never get
enough supporting ideas to construct a full story.  I just have fragments.
I fought long and hard with my heart for days about this one and it just
came together.  I wrote it in a week and a half and it truly feels like one
of the best works of art I've done in awhile.

It felt so damn good to put this story together.  I feel like an ass, but I
don't think I can ever get enough of having Justin and Brian fall in love.
I don't know if anyone will enjoy this story or care a thing about it, but
for me, it was one of the best things I could've done.  Oh yes, I'm not a
grammatical mastermind, so don't hate me for mistakes.  I know they are
there.

I don't know when I'm going to get the strength to return to 'Angel's
Wings,' but I hope this was enough to show others that I am capable of
stepping outside of that boyband world I've been in for years and maturing
to something I truly feel is me now.  Thanks to everyone for their
continuous patience with my other series and I pray this tides my readers
over for awhile. ---