Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2018 15:13:22 -0700
From: christopher <breakingthroughstory@gmail.com>
Subject: Breaking Through 26

A very big thank you to all of the readers who have taken the time to send
kind messages for the story. I very much appreciate it. Please send any
feedback, complaints, and correspondence to breakingthroughstory@gmail.com.

The usual disclaimers apply. This is fiction.

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Chapter 26

Trigger warning: themes of anxiety and depression.

"God, I love you so much," Armie said, breathless. He pressed his forehead
to Chris' heaving chest, eyes closed.

Chris' fingers were in Armie's hair, his hole still clamping down on
Armie's cock as they both settled back down to reality in the wake of their
orgasms. "You're still inside me, no need for sentiment," Chris said
softly, his head lolling back as he steadied himself on Armie's lap. He
felt hands all over him, his own settling down on Armie's broad
shoulders. When his eyes opened up fully, he saw Armie's half-smile, his
bright blues still half-lidded.

"I love you, too," Chris added, giving Armie's shoulders a gentle squeeze.

Armie's hands settled on Chris' lower back and he did his best to keep the
inevitable from happening. As much as he wanted to stay like this forever,
they'd have to eventually separate. Armie planted one last kiss on Chris'
chest, right over his heart, before he felt Chris come off of him. A kiss
on the lips, slow and lingering, was all he got before Chris climbed off
him fully and settled in beside him, their bodies coming together in a
practiced formation, a familiar tangle of sweat-slick limbs. Chris was
content to close his eyes for a few minutes while Armie stroked his back,
his eyes focused on the sailboats and the marina outside the window. They'd
taken a boat out to Catalina Island, a private celebration.

"They filmed 'The 10 Commandments' out here," Chris said, not even
bothering to move. His face was still nestled against Armie's chest. "There
are sphinxes buried out on the island somewhere."

Armie chuckled. "It's almost dinnertime, I don't think the sphinx tours
will be happening today."

"Just throwing it out there," Chris said. He felt Armie pull him even
closer. Armie was familiar with the history. He'd read all about it on the
ferry ride over. It was an escape just an hour away, but Armie had never
even thought about going over there. When they arrived, Armie found himself
in a different kind of sleepy seaside town. Chris said it was way more
laid-back than Santa Barbara, but Armie couldn't even imagine that. How
much sleepier could a place be when Santa Barbara restaurants' opening and
closing hours seemed to be simple suggestions and people kept their front
doors unlocked all the time?

He found out when they arrived and saw that the main mode of transport on
the island was golf cart. Bikers crisscrossed the island, too, but Chris
just held onto Armie's hand as they walked down the boardwalk. He was far
from being a local, but Chris seemed at home and Armie was more than happy
to let him lead the way. They'd taken a Jeep to the west side of the island
and hiked up to Ballast Point, giving them 360-degree views of the
ocean. If they weren't already married, Armie thought, he'd have proposed
right there. He settled for a kiss, Chris up on his tiptoes as the ocean
air swept around them and the warm sun warmed their skin.

"I thought we'd see them from the hike," Chris said. "Maybe they're a
myth."

Armie kissed his forehead. "Get dressed. We should eat."

"How does it feel to be a documentarian?" Armie asked, his hand rubbing
Chris' leg under the table. They'd walked to a steakhouse Armie saw, but
got distracted by a seafood shack. Armie was sipping on a beer with a lime
wedge shoved into it before they even sat down.

"I could ask you the same thing," Chris said.

"Feels pretty good, won't lie."

The show had completed its 12-episode run. Armie bookended the series with
appearances in the first and last episodes and Chris was soaking up the
success. Teachers applauded his efforts. Local politicians reached out to
commend him. It felt great to reach a whole new group of people, to help
them tell their own stories. And when the last episode aired and the book
was made available, its first printing sold out. It wouldn't win any
awards, but the stories inside were ones that needed to be told. Chris was
couldn't be happier. Not only was helping bring awareness to literacy, the
book raised money enough money for the Hammer Foundation to make a huge
donation to libraries and schools across the state of California. Teachers
told him that their school districts couldn't even afford copy paper. He
hoped that the donation would keep them from spending their own money on
things like Kleenex and cleaning supplies.

"I can't tell you how proud I am," Armie said. "You told me you didn't even
like public speaking and you basically put this whole thing together from
start to finish and were in front of the camera the whole time."

"I was nervous," Chris said as he read over the menu. Armie had already
ordered a bevy of deep-fried appetizers. "I won't lie about that. But
talking to normal people isn't as hard as talking to Hollywood people."

"Those are people, too," Armie said.

"You're not all bad," Chris said, leaning closer to his husband.

"I can't speak for all Hollywood assholes, but I can say that you picked a
good one."

Chris wondered how many times they'd done this before. The same Pacific
Ocean view, the same deep-fried calamari and clam strips. Armie's Corona
with lime. Their legs touching and Armie absent-mindedly running his thumb
over Chris' knuckles under the table. It was so familiar and comforting
that it could have been anywhere: Malibu, Venice, Catalina, Washington,
Santa Barbara, San Francisco. It felt that way because it had happened
before in all of those places and, hopefully, it would keep happening. He
leaned over to give Armie a quick kiss on the cheek. "I love you. I love
this."

"Yeah, it's cute out here. I couldn't live here, but maybe when we're 80,
I'll think about it. I grew up on an island, I don't know if I could do
that again."

"Slow down, we're not moving to an island," Chris said. "Imagine having a
ferry commute. As if we weren't late enough to everything as it is."

"Don't be so distracting when you're getting ready," Armie said, his hand
clasping at Chris' tighter.

"Oh my God, there are dolphins outside," Chris said, bounding out of his
chair. He practically sprinted over to the windows, where there was a pod
of dolphins in the distance, swimming just outside of the harbor. Armie
leaned back in his chair, letting the image of Chris, backlit by the sun
and a huge smile on his face, sink in. If there was something he'd remember
forever, it wouldn't be that audition at the Chateau, it wouldn't be their
impromptu wedding, it would be moments like this. "Armie, look! They're
really there."

Armie sauntered to the floor-to-ceiling windows and looked out over the
horizon. Chris leaned into him and Armie pulled him close. Dolphins or not,
it was unforgettable.

Chris straightened up his bedside table, which had nothing more than a lamp
and stray charging wires on it, before padding over to Armie's side. He
dusted off a framed photo of the two of them, picked up an empty water
glass to take downstairs, and tucked a few things into the drawer. He
headed downstairs, the house silent except for the steady staccato thump
thumping of Armie's jump rope hitting the concrete of the patio. Chris
slipped the glass into the dishwasher and leaned against the counter,
watching Armie jump in the early morning sun.

The last few days had been quiet, with the two of them sequestering
themselves at home, trying to catch up on everything that they'd ignored,
housework included. As Chris straightened up the counter, he noticed
Sebastian walking down the canal towards the house. Armie seemed oblivious,
but when Sebastian let himself through the waist-high gate, the rhythmic
sound of the rope finally stopped. Chris noticed that his hair, which was
buzzed short just a few weeks ago when Ramona had still been here, had
grown out already. He was wearing his gym clothes. Chris watched as they
looked at something on Sebastian's phone and then glanced inside, both of
their eyes locking on Chris'. They both looked surprised at first, but big
smiles spread across their faces.

"What are you guys talking about?" Chris asked as he slid open the back
doors.

"That three-way you're always dreaming about," Armie joked. "No, don't even
think about that. I can't make that promise."

"Hey," Sebastian said. "Don't I have a say in that?"

"The foundation doubled its donation, because the show was so popular,"
Armie said. "My mom didn't tell us, she just went and told 'People'
magazine. It got us onto the cover."

Chris reached for Sebastian's phone and saw a photo of himself and Armie
together during a promotional event for PBS. "How come Deb and David didn't
say anything? Isn't that their job?"

"It was probably a PBS thing," Armie guessed.

"Or your mom," Chris said. He shrugged it off, because it was true: there
was really no such thing as bad publicity, especially if the tabloids were
in rare form and being complimentary for a change.

"It doesn't matter," Sebastian said. "Makes you both look fantastic."

"Setting A Foundation: How Giving Got Cool," Chris said, reading the
headline aloud. "Can't complain about that. I guess we need to go to the
bookstore to grab a copy today."

Armie wrapped an arm around Chris' shoulder. "I'll call my mom," he said
before kissing Chris' temple. "Don't make out with Sebby unless I'm there
to watch."

"He thinks he's hilarious," Chris said as soon as Armie turned his
back. "Sit down, Sebs, I'll get you something to drink."

"I heard that," Armie said, as he headed upstairs. "I am hilarious."

Chris handed a bottle of water to Sebastian, who'd taken a seat at the
kitchen island. He looked energized, Chris noticed, his eyes sparkling and
his skin tanner than it had ever been. Sebastian noticed the same about
Chris, only he knew that it came from that weekend getaway to Catalina.

"I've missed you," Chris said. "It's tough when you're working and I had to
be all over the place for filming."

"And getting your name chiseled onto museum lobbies," Sebastian added.

"There wasn't a formal ceremony for that," Chris said.

"Did the Hammers have his ex killed or exiled? I wouldn't put it past
them. Scrubbing her from the museum is harsh."

"She's not on the board anymore," Chris said matter-of-factly. "Not to pump
myself up, but I raised a lot of money to get my mother-in-law's approval
and my name on that goddamn wall."

"I didn't think you could buy love," Sebastian said. "But you managed to do
it."

"It wasn't cheap," Chris said.

Armie came back into the kitchen, slid his hand around Chris' waist and
kissed his cheek. "Let's go get a copy."

None of them bothered to change out of their gym clothes. The usually quick
walk to Abbot Kinney seemed slower, their pace easier and more relaxed with
Sebastian catching Chris and Armie up on what he'd been doing while the two
of them had been away. Chris ducked into their usual coffee spot to grab
three iced coffees while Armie picked up three croissants from a bakery
just a few doors down. Reconvening in front of the only convenience store
on the whole drag, Chris and Sebastian stayed outside while Armie got the
magazine in question.

"You think it's hilarious to send me in to buy a magazine with my own face
on it, don't you?"

"The clerk is always so stoned he probably didn't even notice," Chris said,
dusting a few crumbs off his shirt. He grabbed the magazine and flipped
through it, looking for the spread.

"Looks good," Sebastian said, peeking over Chris' shoulder. The magazine
used promo photos from PBS, which were all technically approved by David
and Deb, but it definitely looked generic, since anyone who'd seen the
first few episodes of the show would recognize them. "Why are you guys
touching in every single picture? Does Armie ever not have his arm around
you?"

"It's not terrible," Chris said. "The article's pretty bland."

"It's 'People,' Chris, not 'Vanity Fair,'" Armie said, taking the issue
from Chris. He looked closer and skimmed the story for himself. "It's
fine. Nothing to worry about."

"I wasn't worried for me. I was thinking that your mom would think it was
tawdry," Chris said. "I don't want to dilute the show and foundation with
fluff."

Armie's brow furrowed. "What my mom thinks is none of our business...when
it comes to this, at least. Anyone else would be celebrating a cover. Here
you are, freaking out about what my mom thinks?"

"Armie, she funded the whole thing. You have to understand that part."

"You have to understand that the money that your play made, the play you
and I worked really hard on, is what really paid for it."

"I get that," Chris said. "I'm not trying to say that the play wasn't a
huge deal. It was. It was very important. I'm also saying that we couldn't
have done that PBS show on our own. They're scraping things together as it
is. And we helped a lot of people, so the last thing I want to do is piss
off the person in charge of deciding where that money went."

He had a point, Armie thought. "Okay. Fine. Let's keep it rolling."

Another quick walk and the three of them were eating falafel wraps, the sun
shining down harder now. The patio set them back from the street traffic,
but Chris felt a few eyes fall onto Armie. When you were on the cover of
"People," it came with some attention, only Chris wasn't strapping and
attention-grabbing the way his husband was, which kept the attention off of
him.

"I was cropped out of one of those pictures," Sebastian said.

"Ouch," Chris said, leafing back through the magazine. There was a shot of
Chris and Armie walking side-by-side along Abbot Kinney, which is where
they actually were at the moment, and just like Sebastian pointed out, his
hand and foot were the only things in the frame. "But let's remember that
you were on the cover of 'Entertainment Weekly.'"

"You can't have it all," Armie said.

"How funny was that picture of you dropping the puck at the Kings game?
Have you ever even watched hockey?"

"All of those things were just for the photos," Chris said. "It was super
awkward. I was flipping coins at every sporting event for a month."

"But getting a bestselling book out of it isn't so bad."

"No, not at all," Chris said. "If I have to be a ham, I'll do it. It's for
the kids."

"You looked really official in D.C.," Sebastian added.

"Sometimes, I can take care of business," Chris said. "If real change is
going to happen, though, it's not going to be there. It has to start at
home and at school."

"Do you say that in the show?" Sebastian asked.

"Only a few hundred times," Armie said, holding Chris' hand.

"When are you taking a break? We need to get back on our morning runs,"
Sebastian said.

"Soon," Chris said. He looked over at Armie, "Unless you're not telling me
something."

"Nope," Armie said. "We're both free agents until I leave for Vancouver
next month. Then, it's three or four weeks where you two can do whatever
you want without me tying you down."

"The Audiard project?"

"Do you actually read 'Variety' for fun?" Chris asked.

Sebastian ignored him. "He just worked with Jake."

"Chris isn't the only one that gets around, then."

Chris rolled his eyes. He didn't even bother acknowledging it.

"Are you going to be up there the whole time? Abandon me here?" Sebastian
asked.

"It's either abandon you or abandon Armie, so I guess I have to split my
time," Chris said. "No. I'm going to go back and forth because I know
better than to hang around a set and I have to workshop my new book with
David. I'll be here or Santa Barbara."

"You guys are away more often than you're at home," Sebastian said. "What
was the point of getting that huge house if you're not home to appreciate
it?"

"Not for the investment, that's for sure," Chris said. "Features in 'AD'
definitely don't pay the mortgage. Books and movies do. So, we have to
write books and make movies."

Sebastian was asleep on the couch, the Travel Channel still playing on the
TV, as Chris typed in his office. Armie, who couldn't ever sit still, was
alternating between going through a pile of actual mail, checking his
email, and pacing up and down the stairs to figure out where to move a
potted palm tree now that its fronds were getting a little out of control.

"Can you stop pacing, please?" Chris said from the office. Armie froze in
place. "Can we work out that dinner with your mom and finalize your
schedule in Vancouver so I can book my flights?"

"Right away," Armie said with mock enthusiasm. "Can I get you anything
else?"

"Don't be a jerk about it," Chris said. "You're bored. I gave you something
to do. If you don't want to, come in and sit with me."

Armie chose the latter, because the menial tasks could wait. He'd get to
them later. He came in, leaned against the frame of the door, and watched
Chris at his computer for just a few seconds. "You beckoned?"

"Your mom is driving me crazy. I can't even string two thoughts together
without her texting me," Chris said, his nerves shot.

"I'd pour you a drink, but, you know."

"Feel free," Chris said. Armie turned around and served himself two fingers
of scotch from a crystal decanter Chris kept on a bookshelf. For Chris, it
was all for looks. For Armie, it was sweet, sweet salvation when the
mention of his mom came up.

Chris shut his laptop before coming around the desk and wrapping his arms
around Armie's waist. He still smelled sun-kissed, the scent of sweat
barely detectable when Chris buried his face into Armie's neck. "Didn't
expect this," Armie said softly.

Kisses on his lips, soft flicks of Chris' tongue against his, Armie didn't
expect those either. Chris' lips traced a slow, languid line along Armie's
stubbled jaw and down his throat. Armie felt Chris' hands under his shirt,
tracing along his sides to pull it up and off. Chris got down on his knees,
nuzzling his face against Armie's taut stomach, the dusting of hair
glistening in the warm afternoon light. Chris' fingertips curled around the
waistband of Armie's shorts, pulling them down quickly and catching the
head of Armie's cock before it even got a chance to bounce up against his
abs. Armie groaned, the sound low in his chest, and gripped Chris' hair.

He felt it all the way down to his toes. The way Chris' lips and tongue
traced along his shaft, the warmth and slick slip, the way Chris' hands ran
up and down his calf. Armie looked down, his eyes catching Chris', who
looked up at him with a combination of adoration and admiration as he
gulped down every last inch. Chris held Armie down deep as long as he
could, which was nothing more than a few moments, but Armie felt time stop,
his fingers gripping Chris' head, his hips moving just the tiniest bit to
push just that much deeper. It was intoxicating in a different way than the
scotch that he sipped earlier, the heat spreading through him coming from a
completely different place.

Armie groaned and bit down on his lip, his head thrown back as Chris
bobbed, building a steady pace as he slid Armie's cock over his tongue. He
let his hips move, thrusting in and out of Chris' mouth as the wet sound of
slurping and sucking seemed to echo through Armie's ears. Chris groaned
around Armie's length and came off to catch his breath, stroking the
leaking dick as he lapped at Armie's balls. Grunting, Armie shoved his dick
back between Chris' lips, craving the slick heat. He fucked in quicker,
ignoring the soft grunts and the occasional gagging noise. Sebastian was
downstairs, this wasn't the time for a drawn-out blowjob. Armie tried to
grab at Chris' hair, cursing the fact that he'd cut off his slick-back
hairstyle and replaced it with a messy crew cut. Armie held Chris down,
feeling his throat squeeze his dick, and fucked in quickly, shoving every
inch in and out of Chris' mouth. Armie was getting louder, his breathing
getting quicker as he sped up. Chris was gripping his hips now, doing his
best to just hold on as Armie sped towards his orgasm.

"Fuck, Chris," Armie said through gritted teeth. He shot hard, his body
shaking as he came undone, Chris' mouth flooding with his load. Armie's
eyes were shut tight and his knuckles were white as he held onto Chris'
head. He felt Chris whimper around him before slowly sliding off. His lips
were puffy and red, his own body breathless as he looked up at Armie
towering over him. He gave Armie's slit one last lick, sending a shiver up
Armie's spine, before offering a few more soft strokes. Armie fell to his
knees a second later, kissing Chris deeply, their tongues sliding together
and Armie's arms wrapping around Chris. A soft chuckle from Armie broke the
afterglow, but Chris pulled him into the crook of his neck before any
clever remark could come out. Armie always did talk too much.

"Have you been here before?" Dru asked.

"No, I don't really hang out in Beverly Hills that often."

"I know you and Armie like those hip restaurants with Mason jar water
glasses, but sometimes, it's okay to order a cobb salad and have pinot
grigio before 5. There's no shame in it."

"No shame at all," Chris said. "I just stick to what I'm used to."

"Everyone is so proud of you," Dru said. "That show was phenomenal from
start to finish. There was so much to love and everyone I've talked to has
had nothing but good things to say."

"It was a great experience," Chris said. "Thank you so much for making that
happen. I honestly can't thank you enough."

"Are you flying to Vancouver tomorrow?"

"Tonight."

"I don't know how you two manage the travel," Dru said. "It's such a pain
now. I remember when airlines treated us like customers and not freight."

Cobb salads arrived. So did a bottle of sparkling water, because Chris
couldn't ever pass up bubbles. This far into the relationship, through an
impromptu wedding and everything after, Chris had never had lunch alone
with his new mother-in-law. Armie was always there, but this time, she
insisted. Armie was away, after all, and there was no changing that. Chris
was free, because even though he was working on his next novel, not having
to go into an office from 9 to 5 meant he had all the free time in the
world.

"Armie wants me up there for his days off. It makes the most sense," Chris
said. "I'm used to it. I've been doing it long enough."

"We do what we can for love," Dru said.

Chris didn't know how to react. Months ago, this woman wanted nothing to do
with him. Now, she was doting, almost friendly, and maybe even adoring. He
wouldn't call it love, but it was inching closer. He had his guard up,
because the last time he let this happen, the last time he let himself feel
included in a brand-new family, it almost got taken away. Chris knew he'd
never forget the way it felt, like someone had reached into his ribcage and
squeezed his lungs and heart. He was getting anxious just thinking about
it. But Maggie and Peter, the girls, they were still in his life--just a
phone call away. It wasn't the same as before, but it was something. There
wasn't a reason not to let Dru in, too, except for the uncomfortable
tension that buzzed through the air whenever she was around Chris and Armie
together.

"I could be with him every minute of every day and it still wouldn't be
enough," Chris said, his voice even and his words measured. "If I could
keep him from goofing off or distracting me, I'd spend the entire time up
there, but we both know that I can get my runaway brain together better
when I'm by myself. It's just how we work. And it really works. The show,
the play, the book, my other book, it's all there. We work together really,
really well."

"I can see that," Dru said. "It's wonderful. It's more than I could ever
have imagined. I thought he and Elizabeth were great, but it's nothing like
this."

"Do you still talk to Liz?"

"Of course, there's no reason she has to be a social pariah. She's doing
well in Dallas. She was always a Southern girl. She's not in Armie's
business anymore, she has her own life. We should all be happy for her."

Again, Chris couldn't tell if what she was saying was sincere. He tried his
best to maintain his composure, but the weight of his anxiety was
looming. He couldn't read his own mother-in-law, which he shouldn't have to
in the first place. Armie had often painted her like a wicked
stepmother. She was fine through his first marriage, supported it through
all the turmoil, but Armie felt a shift as soon as he and Chris got
serious.

Chris realized that it was about him, not Armie or Liz. He didn't have the
pedigree, the perfect "Town & Country" upbringing. He wasn't involved in
the right charities, didn't know the right people, never got snapped for
the right magazines and never attended the right kind of events. He was on
a different level and as far as Dru was concerned, there was no upward
momentum. He didn't know if it was even worth trying.

"Dru," Chris said, the words coming out even though his body felt
numb. "Armie's so happy. The stuff he's getting to do, it's incredible."

The Gyllenhaals had welcomed him in with open arms. They still did. Every
minute he spent with them felt completely different than what he felt right
now. This was unpleasant at best and something akin to a job interview at
worst. He wanted to leave. He should never have agreed to it, but he was
riding high when he said yes. Now, he was crestfallen.

He looked around, regretting everything. The valet made it so he couldn't
get away quick enough. The restaurant was crowded, so he couldn't just
leave. He looked down at his salad, which he'd hardly even touched. He
closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "This salad is great," he said,
feigning a smile. "Tastes so fresh." The words were bitter in his mouth.

Dru smiled, "We should come back with Armie. He'd like it."

"Definitely," Chris said. "I'll tell him about it this weekend, we'll get
something on the books." He took a sip of his water, hoping that Dru didn't
notice how shaky his hand was. Lunch couldn't be over fast enough.

Chris canceled the flight. He was too deep into his ideas to take a break,
he told Armie. He'd just drive up to Santa Barbara and get it all out of
his system. Next weekend, he'd be there for sure. But the truth was, he
couldn't even muster up enough energy to pack. He barely remembered to
check the fridge and take out the garbage before heading up to the
cottage. 405 to the 101. He'd done it a hundred times -- no thinking
necessary. He took a long breath as soon as he stepped through the
threshold. He opened all the windows and flopped on the couch, curling up
with a throw blanket and wishing that he could just disappear.

His phone rang, but he ignored it. It was Armie, he could tell that without
even looking. He'd understand if Chris just needed a few hours to
himself. When the call kept coming, he sent a message: "I'll get back to
you. Hold on."

Chris woke up when the thin throw couldn't keep the chill away. He
shivered, cursing the fact that even though it was idyllic during the day,
the ocean breeze made nights chilly, even in the dog days of summer. He got
up, shut all the windows, and curled up under the thicker blankets on the
bed. Maybe if he ignored the world around him, things would be okay.

It was past 3 a.m. when he finally sent Armie another text message,
apologizing for falling off the grid. He was fine, he lied, just scrambling
to organize the gears in his head so that something amazing would come out.

At 3:05, he was asleep again.

"Hey," Chris heard. "Time to get out of bed?" What day was it? What time?

"Seb?" Chris said, his voice cracking as he slowly sat up. Had he been
crying? His eyes felt puffy. "How did you get in?"

"You scared the shit out of Armie. And me, too. You didn't even lock the
front door. What's going on?"

"I don't know," Chris said. "Where am I? Everything looks so different."

"It's Sunday morning. When was the last time you ate something?"

"I had some Cheez-Its. White cheddar. They were good," Chris said, his
voice quiet and his eyes focused on the ground.

There was a pause.

"I miss my family." His voice was barely audible.

He cleared his throat. "Can you tell Armie I'm okay? I'm sure he's
worried. I don't know where my phone is." Chris looked around and his eyes
fell on the nightstand, where his phone sat on its charging dock. He looked
back up at Sebastian and gave a weak shrug. "Oh, it's right there. I can do
it." The tears came.

Sebastian wrapped an arm around Chris' shoulders. "I will. Let's get you in
the shower. I'll make you some food."

A can of chicken noodle soup was all Sebastian could offer from the scant
selection in the pantry. This was the first time he'd seen the house since
the remodel and though it looked amazing, it was very, very different. He
didn't know if Chris was just disoriented or if something more serious was
happening, but he'd set out to do what Armie asked: take care of
Chris. He'd get there as fast as he could.

"Do you want to get some air?" Sebastian asked as he watched Chris eat. "We
can head to the beach."

"Did you tell Armie he doesn't need to come? I'm okay. I'm sorry for making
everyone worry. I'm really sorry."

"He's going to do what he wants," Sebastian said. "You know that."

"I don't have a suit up here," Chris said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Sebastian asked, his forehead
furrowing. Things could be worse than he thought.

"The library, they're doing some sort of ceremony for me tonight. I forgot
until I saw the letter in my bag. An actual letter. That's how things work
up here. My schedule is so mixed up. I would have missed it if I went to
see Armie."

He ran his hands over his face. The hole in his heart, the Jake-shaped hole
that he'd patched up with a taller, blonder, broader Armie, was fine now,
but the lack of family was finally hitting him. Dru, whatever her motives
were, would never be the support system he had with Naomi and
Maggie. Viktor, as sweet as he was, wasn't anything like Peter. He was
younger, for one, and who would take advice from a kid brother? All of it
hit him so suddenly that he could barely breathe. He could feel the tears
coming again.

"I'm sure you have something here that'll be okay," Sebastian said.

"I'm going to look like shit."

"We can go buy something on State Street," Sebastian assured him. "Finish
your soup."

Chris did what he was told. Sebastian sent Armie a message: "He's not
okay."

"It'll be fine," Sebastian said, rubbing Chris' back. "Everything is going
to be okay. I'm here."

"David emailed me about it, I just forgot about it, I think."

"Don't worry about it, we'll get you anything you need. We'll get
everything together before tonight. Armie's going to be here soon."

Chris stiffened at the mention of Armie's name. "I don't want him to see me
like this."

"Don't say that. He needs to be here. He'd want to." Sebastian wrapped his
arms around Chris' body, feeling his heart race and his body quake. "It'll
be okay. I promise. Just breathe. I'm here."

It only took a few minutes for things to settle down. Sebastian sent Armie
a few updates, telling him that there was definitely a problem and that he
needed to bring some real food. Chris pulled himself together enough to
wash his bowl and spoon, splash some water on his face, and straighten
himself up. The world felt almost syrupy, like he was struggling to do the
most mundane tasks. Everything felt like it required twice the energy,
something he didn't have in high reserves.

"Let's get some coffee," Sebastian suggested.

Chris didn't say anything. He just followed Sebastian out to his car. The
caffeine helped. The fresh air may have, too. Chris still didn't want to
admit that he was in the throes of a heavy anxiety attack, but he knew. It
had been so long that he couldn't recall when it had ever been this
bad. After Jake said things were done, maybe. Was it after that trip to
London the first time? Armie called. He was almost there. "Can you do me a
favor and not tell him what a total wreck I was? This isn't how it usually
is."

"How what? What was happening?"

"I just felt really down. More than that, I guess. It was getting to be too
much." Chris took a long, slow sip of his coffee. It was bracing, too hot,
and something he needed to come back to the brightly lit world around
him. The haze was starting to focus, the colors coming back to life, and
his mind finally starting to settle down.

"Don't scare me like that," Sebastian said. "Just let me know and I'll do
whatever you need me to."

"There's nothing you can do about it," Chris said. "But I appreciate it."

It was the combination of food, coffee, and getting out of the
house. Things seemed almost normal when they arrived back at the house,
Armie's car already in the driveway. Chris walked a little quicker towards
the door, knowing that it'd open before he even reached it.

He was right. "Come here," Armie said, worry painting his features as he
pulled Chris against him. Chris couldn't hold back the tears. They came on
strong, though Chris stayed silent as he soaked Armie's sweatshirt. "You
scared the shit out of me." Armie felt the sobs shudder through Chris' body
and held on tight.

Out in the backyard, the three of them sat together, Chris curled up as
tight as he could against Armie while Sebastian sat in one of the
Adirondack chairs across from them. "You can't let her get to you like
that," Armie said.

"I tried everything I could. I thought she liked me. I don't know if she
ever really will."

"You didn't marry her, you married me. We don't need to ever see her
again. Not if she makes you feel like this."

"It's important to see your mom."

"I'll handle her," Armie said. His voice got quiet, "We can stay here. We
can stay as long as you need."

Chris sighed. He felt powerless, not only over his anxiety, but because he
didn't know what Armie would do. She was his mother, which only made things
more complicated.

"Okay, so what's going on tonight? We have an actual event to go to?"

"They're dedicating a new room at the library. The Christopher Hammer
Family Reading Room. It's nothing," Chris said.

"It is a big deal for you," Armie said. "So if you're up for it, we
shouldn't bail on it."

Chris wasn't sure he was up for it. But for Armie and for himself, he'd try
his best.

To call it an event would have been generous. With nothing more than the
"Santa Barbara News-Press" in attendance and the five members of the board
there to shake Chris and Armie's hands, it was over in less than 20
minutes. It was more of a photo opportunity than anything else, but like
Armie said, it was important. Chris had spent so much time in the library
growing up that something as simple as a little expansion was more
important than any glitzy awards show. It took all his energy to stand and
smile, when all he really wanted to do was get back into bed, to crawl
under the blanket, and try not to think about everything that was
happening. But he wasn't afforded that luxury. He grasped Armie's hand,
drawing strength from somewhere deep inside, and soldiered on.

Inside, they took a few more snaps for the newspaper, posing on the leather
couches. The room was lined with low bookshelves, every one filled with
brand-new books, donated by the Hammer Foundation. There were beanbag
chairs, big potted ferns, and even a chalkboard wall with a mural by a
local artist. It was cute, cozy, and something Chris was proud to have his
name on.

Armie held his hand the entire time and Chris didn't know if it was he was
just as proud or because of the anxiety episode that he'd just
endured. After the reporter got what she needed, a few families arrived,
ready to celebrate the opening with some punch and cookies provided by
library volunteers. It was, Chris thought, like something straight out of
the '50s and he couldn't help but feel something warm inside himself. He
and Armie shook hands with the library board, snapped a few more photos for
the Santa Barbara Public Library system, and found themselves taking the
quick drive back to the cottage, a calm silence hovering between them.

"You didn't need a suit," Armie said as they walked up to the house.

"Yeah," Chris said, still feeling the aftershocks of his emotions. He and
Armie were both wearing jeans.

As they approached the front door, Armie pulled Chris down to sit down on
the steps, their eyes focusing on the evening sky through the jacaranda
branches. "This is where we talk," Armie said. "It's hard for me to
understand when you don't talk to me."

"I thought she really liked me, maybe even loved me," Chris said, resting
his head on Armie's shoulder. "But I think she just tolerated me and that
really hurt me. I thought I could deal with not having a mom, since I never
really had one, but I got spoiled with Naomi. I wanted that again, I
thought I could get it."

"I'm not going to apologize for my mom," Armie said. "But you shouldn't
have lied to me. If you're overwhelmed, just let me know. You might not
have a big family to lean on, but you'll always have me. I'm here so that
you don't have to feel alone."

"I didn't know what was happening until after," Chris said, reaching out to
hold onto Armie's hand. "Honestly, I didn't know what was going on."

Armie kissed Chris' temple, "Be strong for me. It's tough when we're
apart. I miss you so much when I'm away."

Chris didn't say anything right away. "For a while, I thought all I needed
was you. You're everything to me."

"That's a lot of pressure to put on one person, Chris. There's going to be
time when you'll need other people. The good thing is, there are people who
will be there for you."

"Not your mom."

"You don't need her validation," Armie continued. "And if you need a
family, call Maggie. Call Peter. See them, do what you need to do. You're
not alone. I love you and even Sebastian loves you. You've got so many
people who love you and support you. You have to see that."

The crickets started to chirp and the orange in the sky was being painted
over by blacks and violet. "I'm a mess. I thought I was past all of this."

"Don't beat yourself up. Come inside. We've got time to figure it out."

Sebastian was sprawled out on the couch with the TV tuned to Bravo. "You're
back," he said, stretching. "How'd it go?"

"Great," Chris said. "Nothing puts things in perspective like going back to
where it all started. I'm going to change. Armie said he'd order a pizza."

"I already ordered, it's coming," Sebastian said. Smiles. Genuine smiles
all around.

"We'll keep you," Armie said, settling down on the couch. The entire
production up in Vancouver was on hold. Either they'd shoot some stuff
without him or they could wait. He told the team that it was an emergency
and, considering the circumstances, he wasn't entirely wrong. He'd head
back up on Monday night. The crew would appreciate a day off.

Chris came back out in black gym shorts and a faded grey T-shirt. He
snuggled up on the couch next to Armie and let out a contented sigh. He'd
survived the weekend. If he could come back from that darkness, things
could only get better.

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