This work is a parody of J.K Rowling's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and it is not endorsed by either J.K. Rowling or her publishers. As a parody, this work is protected under the Fair Use Doctrine.

The characterizations in this work deviate significantly from the original, and this does not imply these characterizations exist in the original work. The author received no financial compensation or endorsements for the production of this work.

All characters in this story are fictional. This story depicts sexual acts between consenting minor males. This story is meant for entertainment purposes only and in no way reflects reality. Please be aware of local laws or ordinances that may prohibit the reading of such material.

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Harry Potter and the Loo of Desire

(A Parody)

Chapter 17: Getting Completely Screwed, But Not in a Good Way

Harry did not hear the last two champions enter, and neither did he see them. High above his head he saw the blue of the sky, but the light of the sun barely penetrated half a meter. He existed in a twilight demesne. More importantly, Harry knew himself to be alone.

"Always walk forward. Always turn to the left," he told himself, and it surprised him when his voice sounded muted.

Before he moved a centimeter, Harry pulled the wand from his pocket and held it firmly in his hand. He learned from the encounter with the Merscots. The end of it shook. He steadied himself.

"Luminos," Harry muttered.

The end of his wand glowed, but the light did not travel far. The gloom inside the maze consumed the light before it even traveled a meter. However, even a small source of light brought the young wizard a sense of comfort. His brain then tried to bolster him.

"Think of Neville. You'd never be with him without this fucking tournament," he said, using one of Deans's favorite swear words.

Harry forced his feet to move and tried to remain alert. Dumbledore's expression when the challenge began unnerved him. The cracked headmaster could do just about anything and likely feared no one, not even the Minister of Magic or the auror squads. As he walked, twigs snapped under his feet. His shoulder brushed the hedge, and yet all remained quiet. Six meters of walking brought him to the first crossing. As he planned, he turned left. Four meters later, he turned left again. Harry wished he did not.

In the middle of path six, perhaps seven meters ahead stood something he only read about in books and something only someone as skilled as Madam Sprout could produce. A greenman, a living being made entirely of whatever plants or shrubbery lay about, stood swaying from side to side. Harry tried to recall what he read nearly two years before as part of an assignment regarding inappropriate uses of flora magic. Greenmen first came about under the ancient druids, and the creatures got used as guardians of cairns and burial sites. The original Arthurian legends made note of them, he remembered, but the fictionalized versions bore little resemblance to reality. The greenman only wore a human shape; however, it looked like an almost three-meter tall humanoid and nearly filled the entire passage. Harry began to back up slowly.

When he turned the corner in reverse, he breathed a sigh of relief. He needed to chose between retreating, an act the maze books told him to avoid, or press forward. Harry moved forward and gingerly crossed the opening. The greenman did not give pursuit. Further ahead he got forced into turning right, but he stayed on the left side. He noted the ground seemed to become more spongy. Harry paused.

A shout or scream sounded through the air. Harry could not tell if it came from a female or male. Once again he fought against his instincts to try and find the person who might need aid.

"Keep to the path. Don't backtrack. Don't veer off. Always turn to the left," he repeated the instructions to himself.

The echo of a commotion caught his attention, yet Harry persisted with his self-imposed regimen. He walked forward. The ground began make a squishing sound with every step. Water soon seeped into his shoes. It did not take long before he found himself ankle-deep in liquid. It smelled fetid. Something brushed against his ankle. Harry stopped. He pointed his wand straight ahead.

"Fuego!" He yelled.

A great column of flame lanced out of his wand and barreled down the space between the hedges. The smell of burning greenery reached his nose, a scorched pine of sorts, and some places caught fire. However, the thing that rose out of the water and struggled to avoid the flame made Harry's knees shake. It looked no more than a gigantic pile of moldered leaves and muck with a variety of tentacles waving about. It splashed through the water.

Harry heard another shout, and it seemed close by. Without dropping his wand or ending the flame, he began to walk backward. Distinctive English cursing reached his ears, and that could only mean one person. The swearing drew closer. Moments later a body banged into his, and Harry nearly dropped his wand.

"Harry! Harry!" Ass Cleft yelled into his ear. "Aim that down this way. It's coming after me!"

"You haven't seen what's in front of me," he answered in a dire tone.

Harry felt a shudder run through the ground. He made a singular guess as to the cause. Given what he knew about the threat trailing Diggory and what he did not know about the threat in front of him, he decided it would be best to eliminate one of them. Without ceasing the flame, he turned to his right. The funnel of fire short forward. Five meters before him the greenman became a waving conflagration. Arms now on fire thrashed against the hedgerow, and bits of those also caught fire. Harry, however, kept his wand aimed at the burning ambulatory bush. The green leaves and needles turned to ash. Branches and twigs twisted in the flames. The greenman sank to the ground, completely aflame, and lay motionless. Harry counted to ten before he cut off the fire.

"Thank Merlin," Cedric heaved. "Good use of the fire spell."

"We've got another problem," Harry told him, and began to turn toward the other threat.

Both he and Cedric fell to the ground as slimy, thick vines wrapped around their legs. A wet slapping sound made it to his ears. Both boys began to shout orders at one another, but it made no sense. Harry knew better than to use the fire spell against the creature since he might end up cooking Ass Cleft at the same time. Harry struggled to concentrate. The vines started dragging him toward the water and an assumed drowning. He tried to kick his legs, but the vines held tight. As he slid ever closer to the puddle, he heard splashing.

"Harry. It's pulling us in. It's water!" Diggory hollered at him.

"I know! Do something!" Harry shouted in return.

"I can't get to my wand!"

Stupid prat, Harry ungraciously thought. He struggled to think of what to do that would neutralize the creature and not kill both of them. His brain spit out an idea, and he tried to reject it.

"Harry! It's getting deeper!" Ass Cleft all but screamed.

Harry held his wand at the ready, but did not act. He needed to wait until he touched the water as well, yet he did not know if it would endanger Cedric. It did not take long before he felt his pants become soaked. He jabbed his wand into the muddy water.

"Conglacior!" He incanted and almost immediately started to regret it.

The liquid froze around him, locking his vine-entwined ankles in ice. He heard Diggory begin to shout in an entirely different manner. A dull keening also got added to the mix. Harry, however, knew better than to relent. He concentrated on the spell even when he began to shiver from the cold. He ignored Ass Cleft's pleas for assistance since he already lent aid, and not for the first time. Somewhere ahead of him the creature started to thrash in what he hoped might be an attempt to flee the encroaching ice. Despite the freezing, he persisted.

A thunderous crack rent the air. The pressure around his ankles lessened. He felt the hedge on his right shudder as if in an earthquake. Ass Cleft continued to yell. Harry strained his ears. He could not hear the creature. He ceased the freezing spell.

"Fuego... exi... exi," he tried to remember the words for the augmented fire spell.

"Fuegus exiguus," Cedric shouted at him.

"Oh, right. Yeah," Harry mumbled. "Fuegus exiguus."

A flame no longer than his arm shot out of the end of his wand. Short, but not deficient of heat. The ice around his legs began to melt as he swept the fire back and forth. Within a minute the ice softened enough so he could break his limbs free. Harry struggled to get to his feet since his lower legs felt numb and he stood on ice. He kicked away the pieces of the vine. With his right hand gripping the wand spitting fire, he used his left to grab the hedge and steady himself. He made slow progress in finding his friend and fellow champion. Three meters ahead he found Cedric with only his head and one arm sticking out of the ice.

"P-p-please, H-Harry," Ass Cleft begged him.

Harry set to work carefully melting the ice around Diggory. Cedric's teeth chattered the whole time, and it made sense given he got encased in ice. It took almost five minutes before Harry melted enough to forcibly yank the young man free. Cedric curled into ball, hugging his legs, as he shivered.

"Th-th-thanks, Harry. Tw-twice."

"Yeah, no problem," he dryly replied.

He watched as Diggory dug around in the warm-up sweatsuit he wore and found his wand. His hand violently shook as he aimed it at himself. Then he said as he waved his wand: "Aeris calor."

A hot breeze emerged from the end of it. Steam began to rise off of the older teenager. Harry ducked a little ways behind Cedric so he got a good portion of the air blowing on him. It rapidly warmed him, and his clothing also began to emit steam. They sat like that for over five minutes.

"Handy spell, that one," Harry said while gaining his feet. He held out a hand and helped Cedric to his. "What was the wand motion?"

Cedric gave him a quick lesson.

"You were pretty brilliant, Harry. A lot calmer than I stayed," his friend complimented him after the younger wizard demonstrated the correct wand movement.

"Not the first time I've been in a scrap or two, but these... well, at least they weren't smart," Harry tried to downplay what he did.

"You know, I've practiced dueling a lot and studied loads of spells," Ass Cleft continued, "but I panicked when I saw the walking tree. It's a lot different when you know your opponent is going to try and kill you."

"Yeah, makes a difference. Forces you to think faster on your feet. Speaking of which, I think we need to hoof it out of here before that muck thing comes back," he said and glanced around. "I don't think I killed it, but rather made it fairly angry."

"Which way?"

"Always forward."

Harry took the lead with his wand held out before him. While he froze a good portion of the swampy water, the two still needed to wade knee deep to get away from the muck creature's lair. They came to a tee. While Cedric hesitated, Harry immediately turned to his left. Cedric grabbed the edge of his sweater.

"Where are you going?" The older student asked.

"I don't know. It's a maze, remember?" He testily countered.

"But why that direction."

Harry sketched out the basics of his plan that, in truth, formed the whole of his plan. Cedric quietly listened. Once the logic got laid out, he nodded.

"That makes sense," Ass Cleft said as he glanced back and forth between the directions. "So pick a turn and always follow along it."

"Pretty much. It might be slow going, but at least I won't cross over my own path. Sooner or later it'll lead me through the maze without needing to know where I am or how I got there," he concluded.

"And that also makes sense. Tell you what: you go left and I'll go right. Whoever gets to the trophy first comes and finds the rest of us. Deal?" Diggory suggested with amazing confidence for one who just got attacked by a pile of rotting leaves, tied up by vines, and frozen in swamp water.

"Isn't there safety in numbers?" Harry challenged.

"Yes, but two of us heading in opposite directions means we cover twice the distance in the same amount of time."

"Eh... good point," he conceded. "Right. Just keep your wand at the ready."

Cedric waved his wand in the air.

"And if you find the trophy, just keep going the same direction you started. We should run into each other fairly soon. I'll do the same," his friend further refined the idea.

Harry nodded and said: "Good luck, Cedric, and be careful."

"You, too, Harry... and thanks. Diktor is right about you: you do have good character."

Harry felt himself blush, and waved at the handsome Hufflepuff member. Cedric spun on one foot and began walking away. Harry turned back to the direction he initially chose.

Encountering two creatures in such rapid succession made him more cautious. Harry strode with purpose, but he tried to keep his ears and eyes sharp. After traveling for ten minutes, he realized he walked without aid of light. It dawned on him his eyes adjusted to the gloom and that light might be both a warning to other creatures and an impediment to his vision. He walked and turned, walked and turned, and soon got completely disoriented except he knew he always turned to the left. He paused, and then thought he saw another greenman. Harry raised his wand and prepared to unleash another torrent of fire.

He withheld. Harry watched in utter amazement as several pieces of the hedgerow unearthed their roots, and then tiptoed around on them. The swaying, ten-meter tall shrubbery expertly re-positioned themselves, and then dug their roots back into the ground. They reformed into a solid hedgerow, but in a new location. It occurred almost soundlessly. Harry not only never saw anything like it, he never imagined it could be done.

"Bravo, Madam Sprout," he quietly said. "Hope I get a chance to tell you how impressive it is."

He resumed walking, and then stopped. His mouth fell open as the ramifications of what he witnessed took hold in his mind. The mobile plants rendered his plan useless if they changed the layout of the maze at random intervals. Even using the tried and true method of orienteering without a compass became null and void. Harry felt the urge to panic rise in his system.

"No! No! Keep a cool head, Harry," he told himself. "Think! Think!"

An answer popped into his brain. He held out his right hand, and then laid his wand across the palm. He concentrated for a moment.

"Revelio trophy," he commanded.

The wand spun in a circle on his hand. When it came to a stop the wand pointed to the right of the direction he currently followed. He frowned. The spell would not make accommodations for obstacles in his way. It simply pointed directly at the object in question. However, it did give Harry a notion on how to proceed. He simply needed to stop every now and again to triangulate on the trophy. It meant abandoning the plan he rehearsed so carefully for several days.

Knowing the maze changed it's pattern whenever it wanted also meant whatever menaces lay in wait could be anywhere. A new path might open that would expose a new danger otherwise made safe by the hedges. Harry kept his wand at the ready. Another ten minutes passed in blissful boredom. He stopped to get a new fix on the trophy since he made a dozen turns. It lay directly in front of him, but immediately block by a hedge wall and who knew how many others.

"Clever, little man-child," a heavily accented voice said from somewhere above him.

Harry ducked and looked around. He saw nothing. The voice, however, tantalized his brain. It triggered something deep within his memories.

"But I wonder if thy methods play unfairly with the spirit of the game," the voice pondered.

The young wizard hopped to his feet in another state of amazement, and he queried: "Lord dragon?"

"So Harry Potter dost remember."

The hedgerow to his immediate right violently shook as the dragon crawled down from where it perched in the heights. Harry forget, and probably purposefully, the size of the dragon. It's long, sinewy body and folded wings filled the passage from hedge to hedge. Harry stared at it.

"How could I forget, lord dragon?" He answered and remembered the protocol of dealing with dragons.

Harry bowed. When he righted, the dragon barely dipped it's head.

"I am called Pusztító if thou hast needs for a name," the dragon told him and chuckled a bit.

"I am honored, Lord Pusztító."

"Thou art mindful of the old ways, but, alas, it shall be the last about which thou art mindful."

"What do you mean?" Harry blurted.

"Thy quest ends here, Harry Potter. Following my wrath upon our last meeting, a gray-beard of a man did treat with me. For this service I perform it is agreed to leave my kind be lest a war ignite between us," Lord Pusztító stated in a solemn tone. "It is my duty, and in some ways my privilege, to ensure thee and thy fellows never leave this maze. I am on a hunt."

Harry felt his heart sink. It seemed grotesquely unfair to use a dragon in two different challenges. Of course, it also seemed perfect for Dumbledore. Of all the creatures in the maze, neither Harry nor the other champions stood a chance of escaping this one. The beast moved unfettered through the maze. It seemed logical that it crawled along the top looking down into the corridors to find them. Dumbledore literally guaranteed they would all get slaughtered.

"You mean to say you got hired as mercenary to hunt and kill us?" He paraphrased the dragon.

"Vulgar though thy terms might be, it the true gist of my mission. I am bound by oath, as thou surely made guess," the dragon told him as though discussing the local weather.

"Like the oath you made to me?" He questioned.

The dragon suddenly pulled it's head back and upward. It looked down on Harry with an expression he could not decipher. Harry gathered what courage remained to him to meet his fiery end in the face. However, the dragon continued to stare at him from four meters up in the air. The pause unnerved the boy. He and the great beast eyed one another. Harry wondered why the animal hesitated.

"Wait a moment," Harry said as the light flickered in his head. "You did make vow. Lord Pusztító, you said you would not kill me or my friends or anyone on the castle grounds if I freed you. I did free you. You are still bound by that oath, aren't you?"

"Hmm, it appears I fixed myself at cross purposes," the dragon rumbled in consternation, "for I did, indeed, parley with thee and made vow to do thee and those who dwell in this realm no harm in a bid for my freedom. Yet I act now for the good of my kind to secure their safety as well. Prithee, Harry Potter, if thou stood in my stead, upon which course would thou set foot?"

Harry boggled at the fierce and quite clearly intelligent creature. That a dragon would ask his opinion wrangled the top spot from the self-configuring hedgerow of nearly unbelievable moments. He understood his answer could very well doom himself and the others. His thoughts ran wild with indecision as both an answer and a solution eluded him. Mostly Harry wanted to live to try and find a way out of the maze. He did not care one whit if he won: only his freedom and sparing Neville's life mattered at the moment. Thinking of Neville calmed him. A new notion sprang to mind.

"Lord Pusztító, can I ask you a question?" He inquired.

"Thou mayest," the dragon conceded.

"It's sort of a chicken and egg question..."

"And to what end does domesticated fowl play in this matter?"

"Well, back when they had you chained and that plug crammed up your arse," Harry began.

The dragon growled.

"Sure, it's not a pleasant memory, but why didn't you kill me when you had the chance after I removed the plug?" He asked a question to which he already knew the answer.

"I saw thee as a means to win my freedom, Harry Potter. I am aware of the value thy kind places on thy short, brutish lives, and played it to my advantage," Lord Pusztító answered and sounded a little aggrieved at stating the obvious.

"I thought so, so let me ask you this: would you have been able to make this new deal if I hadn't freed you in the first place?" Harry inquired and hoped his logic proved sound.

"Thou displays a nimble mind, man-child, and thy words beg the truth of it," the great beast said in a thoughtful manner while its head lowered by two meters. "Had thou elected to die that day, I should think thy kind would strike me dead very soon after. Thus, this day would never arrive. Hence, the vow I made with thee holds greater force over me as I, too, do value my freedom and my life."

"So, just to be clear, you're not going to hunt us down and kill us?"

"Nay, Harry Potter, I shan't. Thou once more bargained for thy life and emerged the victor. While I hold serious reservations thou intended such a long-lived and potent treaty, I am bound by the honor of my kind to see it through. Thou may pass unmolested by me, man-child, and so too may thy compatriots."

"My thanks to you, Lord Pusztító," Harry said with obvious relief and he bowed.

"Mayhap would thee find offense if I did beleaguer thy comrades before letting them pass as a jibe and a jest?"

Harry glanced at the dragon while he sorted through the words. When he believed he understood the meaning, he began to nod his head. He saw the edges of the dragon's mouth curl.

"All right, but not too much or for too long. We still have to find our way out of here before nightfall," Harry agreed and laid down a small condition.

The dragon rapidly lowered its head so that it floated level with Harry's. The bituminous odor wafting from the creature's mouth made Harry feel lightheaded. He also got the chance to appreciate he would barely make a mouthful for the animal if it decided to eat him. Once more a sense of real indebtedness to Neville for sending him to the library on that October morning took root.

"While I may be the worst thou could fear to face, Harry Potter, there exist other terrors within this copse of which thou should be sorely afraid. Thou will need all thy courage and skill to see thee through... should that even be possible," Lord Pusztító warned him.

"Yeah, I faced a couple already," Harry calmly said. "But I thank you, lord dragon, for the warning. It has been my honor to talk with you twice."

"It is thy extreme fortune thou lived through both engagements, man-child. Few have ever seen the next dawn after meeting me but once."

Harry bowed and took note of the other warning in the creatures words. Before he could right himself, he heard the rustle of the hedgerow. By the time he stood again, the dragon vanished. Harry did not envy what Ass Cleft, Diktor, and Foul would endure when the dragon found them, but the knowledge they would not perish from the encounter gave him heart. Fury again coursed through him over the fact Dumbledore employed the dragon to destroy the contestants. Only blind luck saved Harry that the headmaster chose one already bound by oath to him. He wondered if the old man took that into consideration when dealing with creature. Anger surged in his gut.

"This entire challenge can go to hell," he grumbled. "There don't seem to be any fair rules."

Harry pointed his wand in the direction it last showed when searching out the trophy. He carefully waved it in a specific pattern while concentrating with all his might. Then he inhaled.

"Fuego majoris!" He shouted.

A lance of fire twice the size he used to take out the greenman vaulted from the end of his wand. The heat it generated blew back against Harry, and he turned his head to stop his eyes from drying out behind his glasses. It burned a hole through hedgerow. Harry saw the edges of the greenery attempting to repair itself, but his fire spell burned too hot. Harry stepped through the smoldering hole in the shrubbery. On the other side he heard strange footfalls as things ran from his conflagration. He aimed again at the next hedge, and another large opening got created while the one behind him sealed itself. He walked through the new portal.

A roar greeted him, but he aimed the fire at it. While maintaining the spell at such a powerful level began to tax him, his outrage at the entire nature of the tournament gave him plenty of mental fuel. Whatever tried to attack him got consumed by fire and ran blazing in the other direction. While Harry did not like to cause undue or unnecessary harm against living creatures, he realized everything in the maze got designed to kill him and the tournament champions. Hence, his sense of guilt dispersed. It only seemed right certain death should be met with certain death.

Row after row of hedges got charred long enough for Harry to make an exit to the next. Columns of smoke twirled into the sky marking his progress. His arm and mind labored to keep the intense fire roaring. At one point he saw the dragon leap off the ground and onto a hedge a safe distance away from his spell. Then something ran toward him, and Harry gained a moment of clarity and did not incinerate it. Diktor Kum, his burgundy and black jacket in tatters and streaked with blood, looked exhausted but pleased. Harry ended his spell.

"You are good sight for eyes, Harry," the young man said in his thick Bulgarian accent. "That dragon come down with much surprise."

"Yeah, I ran into it as well," Harry replied through light panting. "You can probably guess what it took to drive it off."

Diktor pointed to hole closing behind Harry. While he did not like like lying to the famed fappitch player, he did not want to reveal why the dragon did not eat Diktor either. It seemed to preserve the terrifying aura of the beast. He wondered if the dragon listened to what he said.

"I ran into Ass Cleft a while ago," Harry switched subjected. "He was heading in the opposite direction from me."

"This place does not stay in same pattern. I have seen the tree things moving," Diktor stated.

"I saw that, too, and it messed up my method of trying to navigate through the maze. It's pretty smart when you think about it."

"Smart, yes, but why? Is not maze big enough to make it hard for us to find a way through?"

"Welcome to Snogwarts, Diktor. A school run by a madman," Harry growled the words.

The Bulgarian stared at him and nodded his head once. Since the conversation stalled, Harry held out his hand with the wand lying flat against it. He channeled his thoughts.

"Revelio trophy," he completed the incantation.

The wand spun, and then pointed to slightly to his right. It pleased Harry to think he managed to stay on course. Kum frowned.

"How are you certain they do not mess with spells?" The strapping youth inquired.

"Because they would get lost in here as well if they did. There are spells that stop people from apparating on Snogwarts grounds, and I don't think Dumbledore would cancel that," he replied after a moment of thought.

"You seem to know Dumbledore and what he does. How is this?"

"I think he's been trying to kill me for four years now. Maybe not always actively, but here and there. Mostly I think he does it `cause he gets bored running the school. He might be more interested in watching me face Holdequart."

Diktor's heavy eyebrows drew together at the mention of the name, but he did not flinch like others did. Harry respected the self-control. At the same time he adjusted his stance and faced the hedge. He held out his wand.

"Is this not cheating to burn away walls?" Diktor asked.

"Is it not cheating to set a dragon loose in the maze to find and kill us?" Harry moodily answered and glared at the Bulgarian. "Diktor, there are no rules to this game. I've read and re-read the history of it several times. Whoever designs the challenges can do whatever they hell they want. Look at you? Do you think it's fair what you've had to face already... and for a stupid tournament?"

Diktor did not give any sign he agreed or disagreed.

"Diktor, Dumbledore is banking on your sense of fair play to get you. While you try to act like a real sportsman and competitor, he's trying to annihilate you any way he can and to hell with any rules. Ever wonder why Holdequart is so afraid of that man? That's the reason: Dumbledore actually has less morals and ethics than The Dork Lord!"

After a count of three, Diktor asked: "What spell do you cast?"

"Fuego majoris."

The older teenager positioned his body in a stance. He held out his wand. His face scrunched up a bit as he loudly said: "Pozhar golyam!"

A cone of fire the size and strength Harry generated shot forward. The green needles of the hedge turned to gray dust. The branches and trunks hidden behind got charred to cinder. After after almost ten seconds, Diktor walked forward. Harry followed so close close his knees bumped into the Bulgarian's legs.

While Diktor continued to burn a path before them, Harry regularly used the revelio spell to locate the trophy. They made slow, steady progress. Harry tried to calculate how far they traveled. When they blasted through another hedge, Harry heard screaming. He spun around and tried to find the source. Perhaps eight meters away he spotted a Minotaur wielding a large stone axe. It swung at something, and that something screamed. Harry recognized the scream. While Diktor continued to incinerate part of the shrubbery before them, he turned and ran toward the beast.

"Petrificus totalis," he yelled while aiming his wand.

The spell did not perform as expected. It did, however, get the Minotaur's attention. It turned in a ponderous manner. The red eyes in the bull head glared at Harry. Harry saw what made the screams, and Foul looked entirely relieved the attention of the beast got diverted. The Minotaur snorted once and planted it's feet. Harry could tell it planned on charging him. Given it stood roughly two and a half meters tall, it posed a rather serious threat. Harry walked backward with his arm extended behind him without taking his eyes off the beast. When his arm brushed against fabric, he grabbed a handful and pulled at it.

"What?" Diktor yelled at him.

"I, ah, think you need to see this," Harry said.

"Da, tashaci!" The young man apparently swore in his native tongue. "How did you find that monster?"

"It was here when we arrived, and it cornered Foul!"

The two boys watched as the Minotaur first stomped one hoof, and then the other. Harry felt the impact in the soles of his feet. It lowered the enormous axe to seemingly balance the weight. When it began to bend at the waist and lower it's head, Harry knew it would make a run at them. It let loose with a grunting shout, flexed it well muscled arms, and then promptly fell flat on its face. Seconds later Foul ran out from behind the struggling monster that now contended with grass and vines growing wildly around its legs and lower torso. Harry glanced at Diktor, and Diktor frowned while nodding his head.

"Nice work, Foul," Harry complimented.

"I would be dead if you had not distracted it," she said and sounded, at least to Harry's ears, grateful.

Harry kept one eye on the Minotaur that gradually got covered with vegetation.

"It will hold for a while, Harry," Foul told him. "But `ow did you get here?"

"Burned our way through. We're not messing around anymore. We heading straight for the trophy to end this idiotic contest," he rumbled his response.

"But the fire? Will zey not say you `ave cheated?" She rightly inquired.

"The maze is a cheat," Diktor answered before Harry. "That bull would kill you."

Foul appeared surprised as if she never consider the idea the creature might actually destroy her.

"And a dragon hunts us. It is not meant for us to live through this," the Bulgarian told the French young woman.

"'Ow do you know zis, Diktor?" Foul demanded.

Kum looked over at Harry and said: "Harry saved me from the dragon, and he is knowing all of what his headmaster is planned."

"'Ow?" She then demanded of Harry.

"You don't get it, do you?" He spat at her. "Stop thinking this is real contest `cause it's not! The more you try to play by some sense of rules, the greater the chance is you're going to die. I know Dumbledore. He's been my headmaster for almost four years. He designed this maze to kill every one of us, and he doesn't care if anyone knows. It what he does!"

Foul opened her mouth, but Diktor said: "Ignore him, but you will die if you do. Think of the underwater job. Think of the dragons and what needed to be done. These are not simple games to test us. Harry figured out these plans, and three times now he saved us because he knows this man. Don't be stupid, Foul. Think. Listen!"

"If we work together, we might actually get out of this alive," Harry told her.

The young woman with sizable breasts and a huge behind glanced back and forth between them. Neither Harry nor Diktor moved or said another word. Her face assumed a fierce set.

"What do we do?"

With three mages working as one, they made a formidable force. Diktor continued to torch the hedgerows. Harry resumed guiding them with the revelio spell. Foul chipped in by using a modified luminos spell that cut through the gloom. She also acted as the sentinel for any monster that came near them. Along the way they roasted a manticore, boiled a hydra and an octopus, froze a pack of hellhounds, and sliced through carnivorous plants. Harry knew only their combined strength kept them alive. Any one of the traps would be too much for a single junior witch or wizard to hold at bay for long. Foul finally agreed the maze to be a complete deathtrap. They got further proof when they cut through a hedge and encountered a jet black scorpion the size of small house.

"Merde!" Foul screamed at the beast.

"Help!" Ass Cleft's voice reverberated from a point on the other side of gigantic arachnid.

Diktor hit the tail with fire before Harry roughly shoved his arm to the side. The powerful fappitch played looked murderous. Harry met his aggression with his own.

"You'll kill Cedric!" He yelled in the Bulgarian's face.

"Then how do we kill it?" Diktor yelled right back.

The glistening ebony bug chittered, clacked its horrendous claws, and swung the lethal envenomed tail from side to side. Diktor's fire did not appear to even phase it. Harry could not imagine how Ass Cleft managed to survive an attack by the scorpion. Diktor's question, unfortunately, left Harry scrambling for an answer.

"I don't know," he admitted after a few seconds of listening to Diggory beg for help. "I'm just a fourth year. Don't you know any clever spells?"

Harry could scarcely believe the looks of disappointment both Diktor and Foul threw at him. They possessed more training than him, and yet the expected him to find a solution. It seemed the tournament turned everything upside down. He scowled at them and shook his head.

"It is a bug!" Foul shouted above the din created by the insect and the person trapped on the other side of it.

"Got any bug spray to take that thing out?" Harry yelled in further disbelief at the idiocy of her comment.

"Do you know, ah... smŭrt-krilo stŭrshel... bee... not bee, but stings and flies," Diktor said in a flurry.

"Wasp? Hornet?" Harry guessed.

"Da, yes, the hornet. We have the hornet that makes dead when flies on wings... no, the wings of the dead... no! Laĭna!"

"Death?" Harry guessed again.

"Da! Da! The wings of... no, the death wings hornet," Diktor said and sounded happy. "Size of arm from elbow to palm. One sting, and nyet."

He drew his thumb across his neck.

"And you mention this because...?" Harry led with a question.

"They drown in water. Most all insects drown in water. They breathe through belly," the Bulgarian said while slapping his injured stomach and never winced.

Within five second Harry believed he knew exactly what Diktor intended. He raised his wand, then glanced a Foul. Diktor followed suit. The lone female raised her arm and wand.

"Cedric! Use a bubblehead charm. A flood is coming in ten seconds to get rid of the scorpion!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs. Then he counted down aloud for the benefit of his current colleagues.

"Aguamenti," Harry shouted with as much force as he could while mentally doing the same.

A jet of water, clean and clear, shot out of his wand. Seconds later, Diktor and Foul incanted in their native languages, and two more large funnels of water joined his. It struck the scorpion on the side. The titanic arachnid wheeled about and screeched at them. The trio of mages did not relent. Harry applied as much concentration as he could to increase the flow. The area around the armored,multi-limbed menace started to flood as Harry predicted. It snapped its claws as it began to rise when the water level got high enough. Back flow swirled around the legs the spell casters, but the majority swirled down a passage in the hedge not far from where Ass Cleft got pinned. Water spilled in every direction, but most of it struck the scorpion.

It took longer than Harry thought it would, but eventually the scorpion got pulled away by the flow of water. It splashed and thrashed as it tried to maintain a hold on the ground. It's claws vainly attempted to seek purchase in the hedgerow, but it only succeeded in pruning numerous branches. Harry, Diktor, and Foul kept their wands aimed at the scorpion, and the deluge continued unabated. Although doubtful they killed it, Harry watch in morose fascination as the gargantuan bug whirled in the water. In the midst of it flowing down the aisle between hedges, a fourth jet of water added to theirs, and the current picked up speed. The last Harry saw of the scorpion came in the form of two black claws waving about as it turned a corner some ten or twelve meters away.

"Thanks again, Harry," Cedric heaved when he dispelled the air bubble from around his head.

"This was Diktor's plan," he graciously gave credit to the appropriate party.

"This was all of us," Diktor magnanimously offered, and included Foul.

"Now what?" Foul asked.

"That," Ass Cleft said while he turned and pointed.

On the ground wedged between the trunks of two hedges lay a golden statue of a naked troll holding it's spotty bum over a toilet. Huge breasts dangled downward from the chest while a ridiculously large penis sprang between them. It looked so comical Harry could not find the will to laugh at it.

"That is The Loo of Desire," Cedric needlessly announced.

The novel parts of this work, including characters, plot, and setting, are licensed under

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The characters, plot, and settings originating in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remain licensed to J.K. Rowling.