Author's Note:

One Direction are a British boy band who was formed a year ago on the X Factor. They finished third. The band's members are Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson. This is a fanfiction and I suggest you try finding out more about the guys if you don't know who they are, before reading this. Also, this is a fictional story that does not intend to say anything about the characters' sexuality and private lives in reality. Please keep in mind that English is not my first language. I wish to keep all rights on this story. If you want to reproduce any part of it, you must contact me for permission. Please, do understand that I put a lot of effort in this. For any comments and suggestions: donkakaka@gmail.com

Thank you!

Ryan

The life of a man who is in love is hard, dark, terrifying and tearfully slow. Sometimes, when I was well at the bottom, in complete darkness, surrounded by moisture and a crowded loneliness, I wished that nothing of this had ever happened. I wished that the band would be gone that the feelings would be gone that the memories would be gone, that I was a teacher somewhere far away, finding my way around, figuring life out, looking for someone to spend it with, someone who would love me back, no questions asked, no troubles, no difficulties, no blond hair. At times like that I'd catch myself and laugh at how pathetic I have become, realize that this is my world, my life, and that I don't want to part with any of that, not even with the pain because of all the bitter happiness to it, because when I am with him the universe is a thousand times brighter and nothing else matters and it is worth the pain, it's worth the desperation.

I feel like screaming at life. I feel like hugging life.

I want him so bad.

To an observer this would seem so easily resolvable, my feelings, thoughts pathetic. And even though this is how a man who knows his love would never meet understanding, acceptance, the same love, is supposed to feel, I do realize that it is indeed quite pitiful.

But, oh God, why?! Why do I have to go through this? What have I done to deserve it? Is it the flip side of the coin, is it the bad I must get for all the good? Oh, but it hurts so much, it hurts so much! He would hug me, wrap his strong arms around my torso the way only he can, and I'd be home. He would smile warmly. He would demand time alone for us only, like we always have - time for our friendship to proliferate, for us to have best friends fun, to share something that might be heavy upon one's heart. Like he always does.

It's only me that's changed, do you realize it? Because I do realize it, and it stings like a hundred mini explosions in my chest, like a hot flood in my eyes. I want to shrink to nothing, I want to melt to nothing. And I also want him to come, pick me up, say hey Liam, hey buddy, i am so sorry, i want to be yours forever. But he has not changed. He's the same ole Niall, the same ole blond leprechaun.

I love him so much. My heart longs for him, every grain of my being screams in desire for him to look at me with the same madly loving, needing eyes. The best thing that's ever happened to me, and I cannot have it. Is this the price I have to pay for living the dream in every other aspect?

I want to tell someone. I want someone to see what it feels like, what's behind the smile, behind the confidence, even if it is pathetic and desperate. I want someone to understand, someone to hold me, someone to know, someone to change things, someone to take the pain away, someone to fix things, someone to make me happy, someone to allow me to have Niall for myself.

Saying his name can be painful too. Niall. Niall Horan. When I'm at the bottom of the well I think of the giant old turtle, of her burden, and I want to hug her and for her to hug me back and for things to be alright. And when I'm in the sticky warm darkness, I sometimes hate him for doing this to me. And then I am ashamed and alone and pathetic, curled up under a forlorn bench.

Because on the outside things are okay, and phases come only in the darkness or sometimes when he is smiling to someone else. Sometimes I feel that I might drown in self pity. Perhaps he'd notice then. He'd be sorry, he'd come and kiss me and be mine forever.

But yes, on the outside things are great. And there is a huge part of me that is very happy and satisfied and grateful for what it has, but in the moments at the bottom I am the lone creature underneath the layers of thank you and hi and this is the dream.

Who can I turn to? Can I talk to Zayn? Zayn is an intelligent and calm man. Maybe he would help, maybe not.

Good Evening, my name is Liam Payne and I am 1/5 of One Direction and I am acting like a spoiled bitch because I am helplessly in love with my best friend, Niall Horan, who also is 1/5 of One Direction!

When will you notice, Niall? When will you notcie how much I want to call you cheesy things like `baby' and `sweetie' that sound stupid and shallow, but would the mean the world to me? You are a flawless boy, a flawless man. You are perfect for me. You are everything I've ever wanted, everything I've always been looking for. The supreme combination of soft, gentle, strong, natural, marvelous looks, and a soul so pure, innocent, good, cheerful, beautiful, understanding, knowing, extraordinary, loving.

I have never fallen so hard for anyone. It was great with Danielle, but it never had this infinite closeness on such a high level. And before Danielle...I was too young to know, I suppose. But what Niall gives me, no one can. It's an undescribable bond, undescribable comfort and it's one of the fundamental factors keeping me sane, happy. If anything ever takes it away, I'd be physically lost.

Why, oh, why can't you see me, Niall Horan? I love you, Niall Horan. It would make me the happiest man on Earth to have you!

In the long seconds at the bottom of the well I desperately seek a solution, a way out, hope. Maybe it will be best to just tell him. I can't face the rejection. Maybe he will know, help me get through it. Maybe I should be a coward and make Zayn tell him. And never be able to look Niall in the face again? No, I cannot do that.

I am strong.

but not anymore, not anymore

I will try. No matter how much I want to have his body close to mine.

and i am going insane, insane, insane, i want to hold you, i want to kiss you, i want to be with you forever

I have no other choice. I cannot run.