Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2018 19:58:36 +0000
From: Willow Lemon <willowlemon@outlook.com>
Subject: THE PAGE AND THE CANVAS, CHAPTER TWELVE

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      CHAPTER TWELEVE
      It had been tentative around the apartment the last few days.
      Neither of us had talked about what happened again after that
night. There were sometimes when it felt like things had gone back to
normal, and others when Ali was taciturn, keeping to himself. We haven't
been fooling around or having sex, not that night or since. I've also been
sleeping in my own bed. He still liked to come up behind me and hug me when
I was trying to do stuff, but he had stopped telling me he loved me. I
couldn't decide if I missed hearing it or not. And I tried to pretend that
I didn't miss the sex, but I was also jerking off in the shower every
morning while thinking about Ali's cock in my ass, so I strived not to
think about missing the sex.
      Tavis and Courtney had taken a trip up to Alaska to celebrate her
pregnancy, and had brought us back gifts; lightly salted salmon for me to
cook and three carved wood bear statues for Ali that was apparently
reference to an inside joke between them that they both refused to fill me
in on. "It's incredible. I've never seen one that's holding three salmon."
      "See a lot of bear carvings do you?" Ali and Tavis had both looked at
each other and snickered.
      After Tavis and Courtney left, Ali told me what the statues were
about. "When were in college, my father sent me a bear statue every year
for my birthday and for Christmas. It always pissed me off because he was
the one who liked bears, not me, and he sent them because he never bothered
to get to know me. But Tavis taught me to laugh about it. He thought they
were hilarious. And when we were roommates the last two years, he insisted
on displaying them at our apartment. They turned out to be pretty good
conversation pieces.  For a while, his pickup line with girls was, 'Want to
come see our bear collection?' I got rid of all of them after we
graduated."
      "What are you going to do with them? I'm sure you don't want
something around that reminds you of your dad."
      "The same, get rid of them. I'll donate them or something."
      "My professor whose show I'm going to tonight likes kitschy stuff
like that. I could give him one."
      "Sure. Sounds good." He came into the kitchen with his empty coffee
mug for a refill.  "What are we eating?" He eyed the salmon fillet I was
sautéing.
      "Salmon and mustard greens tossed with dressing. There will be plenty
left for your dinner tonight since I'll be late because of the show. You
can just nuke it. Make sure to take the foil off, though." He came up
behind me and started putting his hands up my shirt. "I'm cooking! The fish
will burn idiot!"
      Looking back at him, I saw that his face had that same concerned set
to it. "Kip, I..."  He didn't finish. He just stood there staring down at
me. When the pan made a popping noise and I turned away to look at it, he
let me go and left the kitchen.
      * * *
      Later when I left for the art show, carrying the bear statue in a
gift bag, I was wrapping my scarf around my neck when Ali came over and
made an announcement so shocking that I was at a complete loss for what to
say. "Kip, why don't you try living on your own for a while?"
      That was it. He didn't elaborate in any way. He didn't want me to
live here anymore?  Then a thought occurred to me. "Did Tavis say something
to you when he was here?  There's no reason for me to live on my own my
junior and senior year like you guys did. He worries about stuff like
that."
      "No. He didn't say anything to me."
      The silence stretched out between us until it seemed like we were
miles apart. I had been hoping that things could go back to how they used
to be, but I guess not. So, I did what I always did... ran. "Um, I'm going
to be late, so I better be leaving."
      As I made my way to the train station my mind rushed. I knew things
weren't great, but now he wants me to move out? I never, ever thought that
he'd ask me to leave. Maybe he's overstressed because of work; it can make
him extra surly. No, he finished his big project the other day. This was
usually when he was in his best mood.
      Perhaps this has something to do with him not saying he loves me the
past few days. I thought he was going to say it in the kitchen earlier when
I was making lunch, but he didn't finish his sentence. He could've been
about to say something else. What could it have been?
      On the train, the only seat available was one next to a well-dressed
older man in a black suit that made me think of Ali's favorite. I almost
didn't take the seat because it reminded me of the last time I rode next to
a man in a suit on the train and how much trouble it had caused. I sat
down. This wasn't Halston, and I currently wasn't feeling so great and
wanted to sit.
      The rattling of the train must have thrown the bag at my feet off
balance, because it suddenly tipped over, the bear sliding out a bit. I
bent to pick it up, but the man got to it first.  "Thank you, sir."
      Examining the statue inside the bag, he exclaimed, "This is
splendid. I have some wood carvings of bears, too, but this is the first
time I've seen one holding three salmon. May I ask you where you acquired
this?"
      "Oh, it's a souvenir from Alaska, but if you like it, do you want
it?" I offered since we had two more at home to get rid of and he seemed to
really like it. I could give the professor one of the others tomorrow in
class. "I have two more at home that I was planning on donating, so..."
      "Really? Are you sure? I'd hold on to a beauty like this."
      "Please. It's an extra one, so think nothing of it."
      "I appreciate it. What an unexpected way to receive such a fine
piece, here of all places. Here," he reached in his pocket. "This is a
little embarrassing, but would you like this as a thank you of sorts?"
      He offered me a bright yellow duck half the size of his hand. "A
rubber duckie?"
      "I couldn't help myself. I bought it on a whim. It reminds me of my
son. Things are strained between us right now." He gazed thoughtfully down
at the floor. "He used to love them during bath time when he was
little. He's much too old for them now."
      "How old is your son?"
      "Twenty-seven, I think it is."
      I laughed awkwardly. "Yeah, a little old I think."
      He smiled. "Take it from me young man, express yourself when you
can. No matter what thoughts you have in your heart, they mean nothing if
they don't get across to the other person."
      It was a little deep for the train, but I'm not too proud to take a
life lesson from the older generation. Perhaps it was a lesson I needed to
hear today. "Yes, sir. I'll remember that."
      My stop came and he got off behind me. "Would you like to get some
coffee as a thank you for the bear?"
      Halston came to mind again. No going places with strangers. "It's
fine really. There's no need."
      His phone started chirping as I spoke. "Excuse me." He answered
it. "Yes?...  Alright." Putting his phone away, he told me, "Pardon me. I
feel bad about this since I was the one who invited you, but it seems I
have been found out. I tried to ride the train alone and apparently my
security detail is waiting for me at the corner."
      Security detail? He must be somebody pretty important. "Really, it's
fine. I was on my way to an event anyway."
      "I'm glad I met you today. I'm glad to see that nice, polite young
people are still around."
      "Thank you, sir. I appreciate it. What made you want to take the
train by yourself?"
      "Oh, my son...my other son. He took it the other day and it got me
wanting to..."
      "Sir, we've been looking for you." Someone tall and elegant stepped
up to us.
      Someone who was Halston Smoak.
      "Halston!" I actually yelled I was so taken aback.
      He looked surprised as well, but he handled it better than me. "What
are you two doing together?" he asked suspiciously.
      "We met on the train, just now. We were having a nice chat. Ever
since you told me about your train ride, I've been wanting to do it. I got
a wild hair today and decided to just do it."
      "You both work at the Smoak Corporation?" I interjected lamely,
wondering how they knew each other, because I knew Halston wasn't a body
guard.
      "He's my father."
      Ali and Halston's father? Oh, this was just too much for one day. I
was outta there.  "It was nice to meet you, sir." I told the elder
Smoak. Turning to Halston I pointed a sharp finger at him. "You. Stop
sending me cherries." And then I took off at a dead sprint.
      "An acquaintance of yours?" Mr. Smoak asked his son.
      "Of Alistor's."
      "Alistor's?"
      * * *
      Running into Ali's father today was just too bizarre. And something I
didn't need after the week I've had. I had been trying to decide whether or
not to tell Ali about it the whole way home, and I still didn't know what
to do. So much else was going on, and this was the first time since I moved
in with Ali that I could remember dreading going home.
      "I'm back," I called out, and it was immediately followed by the
sound of breaking glass.
      I booked it to the kitchen to find Ali with the coffee pot in one
hand and a shattered glass and spilled coffee all over the counter. "What
happened?"
      "Welcome home. I was pouring coffee into this glass mug and it
broke."
      "Are you okay?" I looked at his hand and saw that there was a
bleeding cut on his finger near the palm. "Shit, you're bleeding. Damn it
Ali! That mug isn't heat-resistant.  Those are in this cabinet; the one
directly over the coffee pot. Idiot." I grabbed his arm and made him sit
down as I got Band-Aids and antiseptic from the bathroom.
      As I was cleaning up his finger, he prodded, "Isn't there some law
that says when one has an injury that someone has to kiss it to make it
better?"
      I exhaled air through my nose loudly. "I'm not kissing your booboo,
Ali. You're not a baby."
      Something shifted in the air between us and he went back to being
quiet. As soon as I was done he started to go upstairs to his study with a
new cup of coffee. I hated this feeling between us. I didn't want him to
go. I wanted to resolve whatever this was, but I didn't know how. "You have
work to do?"
      "Yeah." He didn't stop.
      "Uh, um, Ali?"
      "What is it?" He paused on the stairs, but didn't turn around.
      I went up the first few steps. Grasping for something to say, the
first thing that sprang to mind was, "The thing is, today, at the train
station..." I couldn't tell him. With everything that had happened lately
with Halston and Riley, I didn't want to add something else. He was already
asking me to leave, adding another thing to our list of problems didn't
seem wise.
      "What is it?"
      "Ah, I ah, I got a ten packet of tissue at that newsstand next to
there." Jesus, could I come up with something stupider?
      He started up the stairs again and I followed. "Wow. You can blow
your nose all you want, then."
      "Hahaha! Yeah, like there's no tomorrow." God kill me now.
      Going into his study he saw that I was right behind him. "What is
it?"
      "Oh, I wanted to borrow a book for later."
      "Sure. Come on in."
      "Thanks."
      I stood there pretending to search the book titles, striving for some
way to start.  "Sorry for doing this while you're working." Fail.
      "It's fine. It's a simple column anyway."
      Staring at the back of his head as he typed away, I couldn't help but
think that the more I thought about it, the more it just didn't make sense
to me. If he's got a problem with me, then he should just come right out
and say it. Is my cooking bad? He always cleans his plate every day. Am I
annoying him? I've been trying to yell at him less, even when he acts like
a weirdo. Am I in the way? I'm careful to be quiet while he's working. Then
I had a thought that dropped a stone in my stomach.
      Does he not like me anymore?
      I started trembling. "Y-you know...if you have some sort of problem
with me, you should just tell me. Straight out." He swiveled in his chair
to look at me. "What's going on?  You've been different since what
happened. If this is about what Riley said, you should just forget it. That
guy's an asshole. Screw him. Nothing he said was true. And now you want me
to move out? What's up with that? You said if I ran away you'd lock me up,
and the next thing you want me to leave? I'm confused. I mean, I'd really
appreciate it if you'd just come right out and tell me what's going on. If
I'm in the way, or if you find me annoying now, I have the right to know."
      "It's nothing like that. You're the one who..." He didn't finish.
      Silence. Again. I was at my limit with the silence from him. "What?
What did I do?!  You're not making any sense. I'm the one who what?"
      He didn't answer, but his eyebrows drew together in consternation. He
just sat there studying, searching my face for god knew what. As the
silence drew out, I wanted to ask him so badly if he didn't like me, like
that, anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to know, but
not as much as I didn't want to know if his feelings had changed.
      God the silence! "What is it?! You're always saying that you, you
know. When you suddenly stop, it makes me feel uneasy, like something's
going on." He said it so much, it was almost embarrassing. Always saying I
love you.
      Wait... When we were staying at the Fairmont for his party, he
accused me of never having told him I loved him. That every time I said it,
it was followed by "probably", or started with "might."
	Wait... Could it be because I haven't told Ali that I love him?
      He's the only person I know that says it every day. I don't know why
that means I should say it constantly. Then Mr. Smoak's words from earlier
today came back to me, "No matter what thoughts you have in your heart,
they mean nothing if they don't get across to the other person." Is Ali
feeling insecure because he doesn't know clearly how I feel?
      Well, I've been trying to figure that out. I probably could have done
a better job of it, it's just that every time I try to sort through it, I
think that it's impossible for me to be in love with a man, and then I push
the whole situation to the back of my mind. I mean, I wouldn't like it if
he were with someone else. My jealousy and what happened at Riley's proved
that.  Someone trying to take him had been down right horrible to me. The
fact that I feel this way... Was that love?
      I had been standing there too long. "I'm going to take a bath." He
stood and started to leave.
      "Ali, I... Never mind, it's nothing." His face fell. Damnit! I could
do this! Nothing will change if I don't. Tell him! Man up and say the
words, out loud. "I lo... I mean, so like... I lo...  lo..." That's as far
as I could get. Man I was a chicken. Pitiful.
      I hung my head low, ashamed of myself. A moment later I felt the
familiar weight of his hand on my head. Looking up at him I saw that he was
smiling for the first time in days. Placing his cool hands on either side
of my face, he laid his mouth over mine, kissing me softly. "Thank you. I
appreciate it."
      As he looked at me I saw the old Ali again. The sorrow had left his
eyes. "With that said," he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. "I
fully understand how you feel."
      "Hey! Lemme down! I haven't said anything yet, you know!"
      "It was plenty. Some things can be conveyed without words."
      "But...but...I didn't say it!"
      He stopped on the landing right outside his bedroom door and put me
down. "Alright then, say it."
      Shuffling my feet and avoiding his gaze, I noticed that his Band-Aid
was hanging off.  "You're bleeding again. Let's get you a new Band-Aid."
      He held it up for me. "Kiss it." His voice was soft and deep. My
heart started racing and my mouth parted slightly. He ran his fingertip
over my top lip and I reached out and grabbed it with my teeth, nibbling on
it. His lavender eyes smoldered.
      Suddenly we were moving at a frantic pace. I think there was kissing,
mouths were without a doubt involved. There didn't seem to be time for
removing clothes. I somehow was able to read his mind and I was doing
things without him asking. As he pushed my pants and boxer briefs to my
knees, I took hold of the metal railing of the walkway and bent over. He
was inside me before my next breath. He was drubbing into me with a
desperate rapidity.  Our voices mingled together as we were panting and
groaning and exclaiming with a loud fervor. I wanted to touch myself, but I
didn't dare let go of that railing, the power of his bucking might send me
over.
      When he came, growling, making his last few pumps of completion, I
nearly cried. "But I didn't..." I pleaded.
      "I know." He ruthlessly turned me around, dropping to his knees. His
speed of fucking didn't stop in his mouth. He sucked me as though his life
depended on it. I had been close to climax before, so when he reached
between my legs to where I was dripping and slid one finger, and then two
inside me, I was done.
      "Oh god, Ali! Only you...only you..."  * * *
      The next morning, I stood rubbing my eyes, trying to wake up, in
front of the toaster as I made toast. Not much sleep was had when Ali took
me to his room where we woke up every hour to make love again. I was
wrecked physically, but oh so very happy.
      Ali came downstairs, going to the coffee maker. I watched out of the
corner of my eye as he took another non-heat-resistant glass from the
cupboard. "You're about to make another mess, idiot."
      He looked more asleep than I did. "Oh." He put it back and got out
the correct one.
      Watching him pour coffee, I felt I had to say, "Uh, if I'm a bother
to you, maybe I'll think about living on my own."
      "What's this about?" He leaned a hip against the counter and gazed at
me perplexed.  "Who in the world said you should do such a thing?"
      "A, you did, jerk. What the hell? Do you have any idea how awful that
made me feel?" I turned my back on him, pouting.
      Like old hat, he wrapped his arms around me and held me close. "I
love you." I relaxed into him. He finally said it after days and my heart
positively soared. If this was what it was like to hear it, I suppose I
would have to try harder to say it to him. Like he could read my thoughts,
he inquired, "So, how's the rest of yesterday's confession coming along?
Really, I'm not sure if you have the guts to do it."
      "What?!" I forced myself out of his grasp. "If I put my mind to it, I
could. I can do...stuff, you know."
      "Really? Like what?" He was teasing me and I knew it, but I was
pissed at it.
      "Th-the same kind of things you do!" Doing the first thing that came
to mind (probably because I always noted when he wore those navy twill
pants because of how good his ass looked in them) I went to him and grabbed
his ass-bigger than a pinch, less than a cupping. "See, I can be grabby
with you, too."
      "I suppose so. Very well done." He picked up his coffee and began to
leave the kitchen. "Oh Kip."
      "Yeah."
      "I do believe you're blushing." He didn't even try to hide his
boisterous laughing as he walked on.