Should I be kicking myself for not taking advantage of the situation and sleeping with Chandler when I had the chance? I don't know. A part of me really wishes that I had. Because he just...omigod...he was looking soooo cute, you know? And he had totally given me the green light to do whatever I wanted to do to him in that trailer. The idea of sinking my extremely hard and rigid inches into the extreme tightness of his constricted hole while thrusting away and kissing the back of his neck, or just burying my nose and lips into the long brown locks of his hair while I was doing it...having him grunt and whimper and verbally show his appreciation for having me enter his most private and intimate spot, pumping away until I couldn't hold back any longer and released a storm of teen nectar into him while I thrashed and writhed helplessly on top of him...it just...it was going to stay on my mind for quite a while. I could just tell.

But, as Chandler opened up the trailer door and we walked outside...I think that I had made the right choice. Even if I felt really stupid about it. Ugh...he was right there! Do you have any idea how long I had been dreaming of the moment that I could suck off Chandler Riggs? It was like, on my bucket list of things to do before I died. He was so sexy, and so cute...and we actually kissed each other! I mean, we were actually making out! I could have done it. I'm probably never going to get a chance like that ever again in my life. And nothing would have made me happier than getting the chance to have his erection jump and spasm in my mouth while his body tensed up and flooded hot teen cum into me, splashing over my tongue while I swallowed as much of it as I could until he was totally spent and breathless while I drained every last buttery drop of it. It would have been a fantasy come true for me. And I'd never forget it. Not ever.

But then...there was Greyson. And I just...I couldn't give myself over to the betrayal of what we felt for one another. I wanted Chandler. And I wanted Asa too. But Greyson...I needed him. I was dedicating my heart to him in a way that a sexy interlude with another boy, even one as cute and as famous as Chandler Riggs...couldn't touch.

Oh wow...I really AM in love, aren't I? Is this what it feels like? To be totally head over heels for another boy, and cherish him in a way that no one else could ever possibly hope to match or add up to? It's kind of weird to feel so confident in knowing who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I always figured that I was too young to even understand such a concept. But no...I feel it. It's right there, in the center of my heart. And I understand it and feel embraced by it with confidence and courage in ways that I never thought possible before Greyson came into my life. Like...I get it. You know? For the first time in my life...I get it.

Every romantic comedy I've ever seen, every love song that I've heard on the radio, every poem and metaphorical platitude that I've ever read online...I get it now. Wow. It makes SO much sense to me now! God! How does anybody find meaning in their lives without experiencing this feeling in some capacity? I can't even remember who I was before being a part of this whole new world that I've discovered through Greyson's divine kiss. Who knew that my life would be irreversibly damaged the first time that his lips touched mine?

Chandler and I walked out of the trailer, and he was called over to working on his blocking and lighting for the next scene, leaving me alone to my thoughts for a while. Ugh...I really wish I had gotten a taste of him. Sorry, just...I should have at least slid that hard erection of his between my lips and let it push its way to the back of my throat as my tongue pleased him from below. But...no...I made the right choice. I need to stop thinking about this. Knock it off! I have a boyfriend, dammit! The most awesome boyfriend ever! I just need...some self control, that's all.

Chandler has a really nice ass though. Just saying. I looked at it as he was walking away from me, and it kind of made me hard.

Alright. I'm done. No more. I'm ok. I'm maintaining a sense of dignity here. I promise.

Chandler smiled at me as we parted ways, and I had to fight to keep from swooning from the gesture. What am I doing? What am I even thinking. God damn, he's cute...

My mom was on her cell phone when I got back to set. She took a second to say, "THERE you are! Where were you, Evan? I've been looking all over for you."

"I was just hanging out with Chandler for a while. That's all." I told her.

"Well, don't stray too far from the set, ok? Sometimes they have changes in the script that they need to go over with you, and if you're not here, then everything becomes this last minute thing that...wait...hold on..." She said, talking on her cell phone again. "Yeah, I found him. He's right here next to me. We're under the tent next to the catering truck, so just bring me the new sides and we'll run through it to get him ready as soon as possible."

I know that my mom was doing her best to keep me prepared for what I was doing at the time, and even though I was only 14 years old...I mean...this was my job. You know? My career. I can't just blow this off like your typical household chore. I'm actually working for a living right now. I'm getting PAID for my talent, and I can't afford to fall short of expectations or be lazy or selfish when it comes to putting my best foot forward. I need to be at my best. Forever and always. So, I guess I'm going to have to swallow my deep feelings for my first ever boyfriend so I can concentrate on my job. At least for now.

"Hi..." Came a voice as I was walking around the set. I'm still not used to people that I don't actually know talking to me. Or even noticing that I'm there. There was some boy standing off to the side who looked to be about two or three years younger than I was. But when I looked at him and returned his greeting, he seemed to start trembling violently, his mouth dropped open in surprise as if he never expected me to talk back to him.

"What's up?" I said.

"Ummm...ummmm...omigod..." He mumbled. "Oh wow...can you, like...can you...ummm...can you sign this for me? Please?" He was sooooo nervous, and I looked at what was in his hand, and it was a picture of me. Hehehe, which seemed a little weird, but I guess this is one of the things that I was going to have to get used to if I really wanted to be an actor for a living.

"Oh...yeah. Sure. No problem. Do you have, like...a marker or something?"I asked.

"YES! I've got one right here!" He said, super excited. And it was then that I noticed that he had a rainbow colored bracelet on his wrist. Was he gay? That's kind of cool!

"Ok, what's your name?"

"My name is Nathan. Or like...Nate. Nate is fine." He said.

So I took the cap off of the marker and wrote, 'Thanks for being a fan, Nate! Love you lots!' And I signed it 'Evan Elliott' at the bottom. Am I being repetitive? I hope not. He was so incredibly happy that I thought he was about to cry. I mean, I'm not even really famous yet! Nowhere near it. But to him, in that moment...that little signature and a smile meant more to him than I could have ever expected. And I was glad to give him that moment. It meant just as much to me as it meant to him. Wow...the power behind fame and influence is so dazzling sometimes.

"Thank you!" He said, with a little sniffle. "You're awesome! And pretty! Thank you!" He was being so sweet.

"Thanks, Nate." I replied, unable to really get my head wrapped around the whole idea of having him look at me as being more than just some dork who was lucky enough to get a job on a popular TV series. I mean, who am I? You know? As much as I would love to have the kind of ego that could really smother myself in the honor and self love that a moment like this could provide for me...I didn't. I mean, I'm just...'me'. I'm nothing special. Certainly nothing magnificent or extraordinary. Maybe one day I'll learn to grab this kind of praise and worship and appreciate it for what it is. But for now? It's freaking me out to see this boy literally shaking in my presence like this.

"I'm gonna save this forever! You're awesome, Evan! Errr...Mr. Elliott!" He said.

"Evan is fine." I smiled, and he blushed.

"Can I take a selfie with you really quick. Then I'll leave you alone. I promise."

"It's totally cool. Yeah. Let's do it." I said, and he moved to put his arm over my shoulder, and I moved in close until we were cheek to cheek, and he held up his phone to get us both in the shot, and clicked the button to take the picture.

With a shaky voice, he said, "Omigod, thank you. You are so...ugh! You're amazing! Thank you!"

"Thanks." I said. "I mean...same to you too. Thanks. Hehehe!"

"I can't wait to watch the new episodes of the show! I'll be looking for you!" Nate said.

"Ok. Well...I'll be here." I didn't really know what else to say. I'm still new to this whole fame and recognition thing. The very concept of it all is like...crazy to me. My mind can't really accept that kind of thing. It feels weird to me.

I was walking back to set, but behind me, I could hear that boy actually crying. I mean...he was literally crying tears of joy. I looked back, and I think that the woman he leaned on to cried into her shoulder was his mother. He was like, "Oh god...he was so cool! Look at what he wrote! He signed my pic! He was SO nice! Oh wow! Look! We took a picture together! Look!"

He was really just...transformed by having me do something so trivial as signing my name on a picture and taking a picture with him. And yet, I understand it totally. When I first started acting on set with Chandler and Asa, I felt the same way. The hero worship was real. Hehehe! And then there was me seeing Greyson for the first time. I can grasp the concept from my own point of view, but not from the perspective of someone who would ever claim to be a fan of me, you know? An 'Evan Elliott' fan? Does that even exist? In what universe am I somebody to look up to? It's kind of freaky. Maybe that's just me though. I'm just happy that I was able to make somebody's day by doing something as simple as acknowledging their existence. Why would anybody do anything less?

How hard is it to give love back to the people who loved you first? You know?

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, and took it out of my pocket to see Greyson's name on the screen. Hehehe, oh wow...just seeing his NAME makes me giggle with joy! "Hello?"

"Dude..I'm all wet right now!" Greyson said, and I laughed out loud.

"What the hell? That was the last thing that I expected you to say when I answered your call!"

"It's true! Hahaha! The video had this fake rain machine thing and I had to keep singing and playing piano while having this constant shower of water rain down on me the entire time. I could barely even see what I was doing. It was crazy." He said, that adorable smile of his, so evident in the way the words he spoke spilled over the edge of those beautiful lips of his. I didn't have to hear it, I could just hear it in his voice. Omigod, I was so in love!

"Hehehe, I would love to see you all soaking wet and miserable right now!" I said.

"Wait...hold on a sec! I'll take a pic." He said, and after a brief pause, Greyson sent me a picture from his phone with his hair all matted down and water dripping off of his eyelashes and his chin, with a big grin on his face. And then a second pic where he had his lips puckered up to give me a big virtual kiss. "I think the music video is finally finished shooting. But I have to wait until they finish editing and stuff before I know if they need a few re-shoots or anything. But that's the easy part. I think this one is going to be awesome when it's finished. I can't wait to see the completed project."

"Ah...ok." I said. "And then...your video shoot will be all over and done with? And I guess you'll be going back home then?"

It hurt me to say it, but I just...wanted to know. Greyson said, "Well, yeah. That's the plan. I was only out here to, like...shoot the video and stuff, so...."

"Ah. Ok." I said. "I see."

Then Greyson was quick to say, "But it's NOT like I can't come back here every now and then!"

Feeling a bit sad about it all, I tried to give him a convincing, "Oh yeah. I know. That's cool."

But Greyson caught on to my somber mood immediately. And he said, "Evan...? I'm not just taking off and leaving you behind. I mean, you know that right?"

I sighed, "Greyson...you've got a whole world out there full of people who want to hear your voice. Your music. Your lyrics. I mean...I get it. You have to move on. You know?"

There was a pause, and he sounded as though he was sniffling a bit. "I'm not moving on, Evan. I would never do that to you. What's going on right now? Are you giving me a hint here?"

"No. Well, I mean...I don't think I am." I said. "You're going to be leaving soon. And I'll still be here with the show. I just..."

"Evan, I don't want to let you go. Ok? That's not in the plan for me." He whimpered softly. "Is it ok for me to say that? I don't know. I just...I want you to be my boyfriend. All of this celebrity garbage doesn't matter to me. I just want you. Only you." He said. "I mean...is that ok?"

"Of course it's ok!" I said. "I just don't know how I'm going to be able to live without you when you go on tour in Malaysia or whatever. I feel like I'm going to miss you soooo much! And it wouldn't be fair for me to hold you back by saying...by...saying..." I hesitated for a moment, but decided to just let it all out at once. "...I love you, Greyson. Like...I'm not kidding around here. I really really love you. And I can't imagine my life without you by my side." I had to look around me to make sure that nobody else on the filming site was eavesdropping in on my conversation, and I walked further away from everybody else to make sure that they couldn't hear me. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And...I know that you've got a whole singing career to tend to, and I would never want to come between you and your passion...but...it hurts to be away from you. And maybe it's not fair that I feel like that, but it's the truth. I want to be with you. Like...always. I'm sorry, but I can't help it."

I could hear Greyson sniffling more on the other end of the phone, even though he tried to hide it from me. "I love you too, Evan. I mean...I've never had a boyfriend before, but if I had to pick an ideal cutie to be my first, you would be it." He said. "I don't think I can help it either. Being so far away from you is going to kill me inside while I'm away from you. I know that. But...I love you so much. And if that gives me something to look forward to when I come back home, then I'm down for it. I really am." I found myself getting a bit emotional over the phone, and had to control my emotions as best as I could while hearing the pleading tone of his voice. "Evan...don't stress yourself out about this, ok?"

I said, "I'm trying not to. I just...I'm going to miss you when you finish filming your music video."

"No you won't." He giggled. "Because I'm going to talk to you every single day, and send you pics and everything. You should see Thailand. It's so beautiful! And Tokyo! I'll send you pictures every day, ok?"

"Yeah." I said...feeling a bit sad over having to possibly say goodbye to my number one boy for any length of time. I was just getting used to having someone special in my life, and now I felt as though I was going to lose him forever.

It was just like that boy who asked me for my autograph. Greyson was my personal celebrity. Someone who could make my life infinitely better just by being present. You know? Greyson made everything so much more awesome than it had any right to be. I think about his pretty face and his deep brown eyes, and it just gives me something to appreciate about the world in general, you know? He makes life make sense. I don't know how...he just does. And I love him for it.

"Do you want to come over later? And maybe just talk for a little while?" Greyson said. He sounded a bit sad as well, and I had to wonder if our little whirlwind romance might be coming to an end...whether we were ready for it or not.

"I have to ask my mom first. But, yeah. That might be cool." I said.

Greyson was quiet for a moment, then he said, "Ok. Well...let me know."

"Ok." I said sadly.

"Ok." He said with the same tone. And we hung up the phone.

What did I get myself involved in? Is this how it ends? Really? I don't know. I'm so confused right now. I just want Greyson. Nobody else. Just my Greyson.

It sucks, how much I'm hurting right now...