Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 06:45:32 EDT From: XXJDRUSHXX@gateway.net Subject: What Is and What Can Never Be DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of fiction, although Nick Iacona was all too real. The scenario presented here is based on published articles tracing the last few months of his life, as he lived in Miami and tried to right the ship that was his life, by quitting the 'business', getting off drugs and studying to become a bartender. All characters and situations are fictitious and should not be inferred as real, except for the unfortunate ending. I didn't write this "What if..." fantasy to exploit Nick, but as a loving tribute to him. We can't change what happened to the young man who became famous known as Joey Stefano, but we can remember him, and hope that his troubled soul has finally found some peace. WHAT IS AND WHAT CAN NEVER BE By: J.D. Rush Dedicated with much love to J.S You were too fast to live, and too young to die, but your legend will always live on. We miss you. April 9, 1994 "I want to love you, feel you, Wrap myself around you, I want to squeeze you, please you, I just can't get enough, And if you move real slow I'll let it go. I'm so excited..." (1) "Great song, huh?" "Huh?" "I said, great song." "Oh, um, yeah, yeah...it's pretty good." "Doncha just love The Pointer Sisters? I can't believe they haven't released any albums since the 80's. They were such a fun band." "Ahhh, well, yeah. I really don't know much about..." "Wanna dance?" "No, no, I ahhh, thanks, but I just think, um, I think I want to get a drink." "Whatcha drinkin'?" "Well, I'm not, I don't know." "Hey look, there's a face I haven't seen in ages. Troy, hey Troy hey guy!!! I'm gonna go over and say hi while you decide, ok?" "Oh, ok, sure..." "See ya' later, cutie." "I will have you, yes I will have you, I will find a way and I will have you, Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly, I will collect you and capture you."(2) "Um, ahh, excuse me..." "Girl, you'll have to speak up if you wanna get served-he'll never hear you." "Oh, sure, thanks...ahhh, excuse me sir." "Is it just my imagination or did you just call me sir?" "I'm, oh boy, I'm sorry-didn't mean to offend." "Hey, hey, no apology needed. So, what's yer poison?" "Ahh, I don't know...a beer?" "I'm so sick of pouring beer. That's all anyone ever orders. No one's adventurous anymore." "Well, I can be adventurous. Can you recommend something?" "Yeah! You look like a guy that could use a Trip to Paradise." "Actually, I just want something to drink." "That's cute. It is a drink: Amaretto, Southern Comfort, fruit juices...some surprises." "Sounds great. Sign me up." "Sure kid-can I see some ID?" "Oh, of course. It's right, uh, here...ooops, maybe it's in this pocket." "Hey, it was just a joke, kid. One Trip to Paradise coming up." "You are an obsession, You're my obsession, Who do you want me to be, To make you sleep with me?"(2) "You're new here, aren't ya'?" "Yeah, you could say that. How'd you know?" "Well, I've been working here a while now-I pretty much know all the regulars. And I've never seen you before. Then there's your accent. Sounds Eastern. P-Town?" "No, Boston." "Eh, I was close. So, what brings you in? Moved here? Just passing through? Oh, wait, let me guess...Spring Break." "You got it." "What made you choose Miami over Fort Lauderdale?" "Less trendy." "Wow, a guy with a mind of his own. That's rare. Here ya'go-it may look like a girlie drink, but sometimes those pack the biggest punch." "Looks wonderful. How much do I owe you?" "$4.50. No charge for the whipped cream." "Here's $6.00. Thanks." "Hey, thank you. Enjoy. And if you need anything else, the name's Nick, not sir." "I'll remember that. Thanks again, Nick." "I'll stop the world and melt with you, I've seen some changes but it's getting better all the time, There's nothing you and I won't do, I'll stop the world and melt with you."(3) "Yo Boston-wait up." "Huh, what? Oh, hi Nick." "Forgot your keys on the bar." "Oh, thanks. Guess I wouldn't have gotten too far without them, huh?" "Guess not. How's the drink?" "A little sweet, but absolutely delicious." "That's probably the Amaretto. Or the cocoanut milk. Just be careful. You won't feel a thing but if you drink too many---POW!! Hey,would ya care to dance?" "Aren't you on duty?" "Nah, coffee break." "And you want to spend it with me?" "Are you kidding? C'mon!!" "I swear I won't tease you, won't tell you no lies, I don't need no bible, just look in my eyes, I've waited so long baby, now that we're friends, Every man's got his patience, and here's where my ends... I want your sex."(4) "Music's pretty good." "Actually, it's sucks. Our regular D.J. is out sick tonight. I have no idea who this loser is but he played the Pointer Sisters earlier. Can you believe it?" "I didn't think it was that bad." "Ewww! You like them?" "No, but it was an ok song." "Oh, please! I'd take Bananarama over them anyday." "You're really serious about your music, aren't you?" "Well, it's just I really hate retro-80's night. It wouldn't be so bad if they played something good like The Smithereens, or New Order, or The Cure or even Adam Ant. And I swear if I hear one more Mariah Carey song I'm gonna fucking puke!! Still, I guess you can't diss a sister." "Who, Mariah?" "That no-talent skank? No, George Michael. He's one of us, at least. Queer as a $3.00 bill." "You're kidding?" "You mean, you haven't heard the rumors?" "Well, they're only rumors, right?" "Trust me, this time the rumors are true. At least you're lucky--- you missed last night...Disco Inferno. I mean, get over it!! It sucked in the 70's. And it still sucks!!" "You can say that again." "And the worst part is they continue to play Donna Summer songs. Hypocritical bitch. If it wasn't for us gay boys she wouldn't have even had a career to make a comeback from! Say, you're really cute, ahhh-you know, I don't even know your name." "It's John, but friends call me Johnny." "Can I call you Johnny?" "I don't know...are you a friend?" "I'd sure as hell like to be." "Sex is something that we should do, Sex is something for me and you, Sex is natural-sex is good, Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Sex is natural-sex is fun, Sex is best when it's one on one."4 "You move pretty good for a college boy." "Thanks...hey, how'd you know I was going to college?" "You said you were on Spring Break, remember?" "Oh, right." "So, where do you go? You ain't a Yalie, are ya?" "No, UMASS." "Too bad...I've never danced with a Yalie before. Those Ivy League boys are too uptight to let loose on the dance floor." "Speaking of which, you move pretty well yourself. "Thanks. I guess you could say I've gotten a lot of practice." "Yeah, I suppose you would, getting to dance with the customers every night." "Nah, I don't dance with the customers every night. Only when a special one comes along. I haven't been on the dance floor in, oh, weeks now." "I, oh, ah, gee-thank you." "You're welcome. Hey, are you blushing?" "No-yea-no, nothing. Ah, I guess I just, this is all so new to me. It seems kinda, I don't know. I feel weird but good...I like this. I mean, I'm having a great time." "I take it you haven't gone to many gay bars before." "No, never. I never had the chance before." "Don't tell me we have a virgin in our midst." "Sssshhh...not so loud! And I'm not that innocent." "Oh, don't know, you seem pretty green to me. I bet there are a few tricks I could teach ya'." "I bet I wouldn't mind learning them." "Cool." "You're so gorgeous I'll do anything, I'll kiss you from your feet to where your head begins, You're so perfect you're so right as rain, You make me make me hungry again. Everything you do is irresistible, Everything you do is simply kissable... Why can't I be you?"(5) "Yo, Nick, these drinks ain't gonna serve themselves." "That's my boss. Looks like my break's over. And just when they started playing something good...isn't that always the way? Hey, do me a favor." "Sure, what?" "Don't leave without giving me your phone number, ok Sexy?" "Ahhh, I don't know about that. I won't be in town long..." "Then don't leave without me tonight, ok? Please? I really want to spend some time with you before you go." "Well, um, ah...ok. I promise." "Great! C'mon, I'll fix you another drink. On the house." "Won't that get you in trouble?" "Everything gets me in trouble. It keeps things from getting boring." "That's the last word I'd use to describe you, Nick." "Sweet-talker. A Trip to Paradise, right?" "Yeah." "For two?" "Could be." "You turn my head when you're around, You turn the whole world upside down, I'm smitten I'm bitten I'm hooked I'm cooked, I'm stuck like glue, You make me make me hungry for you. Everything you do is simply dreamy, Everything you do is quite delicious, Why can't I be you?"(5) "Hey, nice place you have here." "Thanks. It belongs-it belonged to a friend of mine. He gave it to me ...when he left town." "Sounds like a great friend. This him?" "He was. Yeah, that was taken before, well...hey, can I get ya' a drink?" "Ah, ok, sure. Um, a beer?" "Sorry, don't drink the stuff anymore. Besides, you ain't legal, are ya?" "Ummm, no...what gave me away?" " I'm not an idiot, Johnny. I'm a bartender, remember? I deal with underage drinkers all the time. I'm pretty good at spotting a minor." "Then why did you serve me?" "I'm also not a vice cop. I loaded up on the fruit juices and added just a splash of alcohol to give it a little umph. No more than you'd find in a common wine cooler. At least tell me you're not jailbait." "I turn 21 in June, if that's what you mean." "Well, you were almost legal, but don't think I'm gonna be serving you anymore liquor." "Hey, whatever, anything's ok." "Make yerself at home---have a seat or something. Want some chips?" "Sounds great...hey, who's this guy? Not some jealous boyfriend I hope." "No, that's, ah, that's Ryan. My friend. The one who gave me this apartment." "No, no, this other photo. On the end table." "Yeah, that's Ryan." "It can't be the same guy...no way." "It is. That one was taken about a year ago." "He looks so different. I mean, he was so good-looking and in this one...was he sick?" "Yeah, you could say that. He was hooked on H." "H?" "Heroin. He OD'd a few months ago." "Gosh, Nick, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything. I just, well, I mean..." "Hey, maybe it was a good thing. Scared the shit outta me that I'd end up the same way." "You mean, you...?" "Yeah, well, not H, but a lot of other stuff. I was pretty fucked up. But I'm OK now...been clean and sober for almost six months now. Here's your drink. I hope Sprite's ok. It was on sale." "Sprite's fine. Thanks. Hey, what's this? 'AVN Best Performer, 1990'. Joey Stefano. ' More of a Man'. Who's that?" "You mean, you never heard of Joey Stefano?" "No, should I have? He must be good...he won a best actor award, right?" "He was good. He was the best." "Anything I would've seen?" "Don't know. 'Billboard'? 'Fond Focus'? 'Buddy System 2'? 'Idol Eyes'?" "Sorry, Nick, none of those sound familiar." "Well, unless you cruise the Red Light District, they probably don't." "Are you saying they're porn movies?! Joey Stefano is a porn actor?!" "Yeah, well, was. I'm out of the business now." "YOU?! YOU'RE JOEY STEFANO?!" "Not anymore. Now I'm just Nicky." "Wait. I'm confused. Just who the hell are you?" "I told you. I'm Nick Iacona. I used to be a porn star named Joey Stefano. But I don't do that anymore. That life was killing me. I had to get out or I'd be dead by now." "Jesus! How many movies did you make?" "Don't know. 20? 25? We shot a lot of footage around the same time, so I can't be sure." "Holy shit!! I can't believe this!!" "Are you saying you really had no idea who I was when you agreed to come home with me?" "No. I thought you were just a really hot-looking bartender named Nick." "Oh, man. I can't deal with this." "You can't deal with this?" "I mean, I can't remember the last time someone wanted to come home with ME and not Joey." "Well, I don't know why they wouldn't. I like Nick just fine." "Do you really mean that, Johnny? You don't care who I was, or who I am now?" "No. I mean, I still can't believe I'm standing here talking to a real live porn star, but, it's actually it's quite an ego boost. You could have anyone, and you chose me? Why?" "I don't know. I liked your smile. I liked your laugh. And I thought you were pretty hot-looking, too." "Really?" "Yeah, really. Man, you blush easily, dontcha? I've never seen anyone turn so red before! Have I embarrassed you?" "Yeah, a bit. So...um...what do you want me to call you? Joey or Nick?" "Actually, I like Nicky. Would you call me Nicky?" "You got it, Nicky. I kinda like that...it's really you." "Hey, you know what this party needs? Some serious tune-age. Anything special you wanna hear? I got just about everything." "How about something quiet and, well..." "Mmmm, romantic?" "Yeah, romantic." "Perfect. Wait right there--- I got just the thing. Let me turn down the lights a bit and find that CD." "Some day, when I'm awfully low, When the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you... And the way you look tonight."(6) "You like?" "Yeah---like it a lot. Who is it?" "You're kidding me, right?' "No, really." "Ol' Blue Eyes?" "Who?" "Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm, And your cheeks so soft, There is nothing for me but to love you, And the way you look tonight."(6) "Frank Sinatra." "Oh, ok. I've heard of him." "Congratulations, kid---I'm impressed." "No need to get sarcastic. What? What are you laughing at?" "Nothing. You're just really cute when you get angry." "Thanks." "Now who's getting sarcastic?" "You're kinda cute yourself, Nicky." "You're blushing again, Johnny." "Yeah, I know---can't help it." "It becomes you. So, you think I'm cute?" "Oh, yeah." "With each word your tenderness grows, Tearing my fear apart... And that laugh that wrinkles your nose, It touches my foolish heart."(6) "Do you like me, Johnny?" "Uh huh." "That's not just the alcohol talking, is it?" "No, I'm stone cold sober." "Good, 'cause I like you, too. Are you almost done with your soda?" "Um, almost...why?" "Because if I don't kiss you soon, I'm gonna explode." "Really?" "Yeah, see? Mmmm-I like your hand there." "It likes being there." "Gotta get a little closer, Johnny. Yeah, like that." "Ah, I'm not so sure about this..." "Haven't you ever kissed someone before?" "Do my mom and sisters count?" "No-o-ooo. You mean you've never kissed a guy?" "Uh uh. The guys I've been with, they haven't been too...demonstative." "Hasn't your boyfriend ever laid a big wet one on you?" "Actually, I don't have a boyfriend." "Ever have a boyfriend?" "No, not really. There's my roommate, Skip, but...it's kinda complicated. I don't even know if he's gay." "But have you ever wanted to kiss a guy?" "I guess I've never really thought about it before." "Aww, Johnny, you don't know what you're missing! Nothing turns me on more than playing tonsil hockey with a guy." "Really?" "Yeah, could do it for hours." "Give me a kiss to build a dream on, And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss, Sweetheart, I ask no more than this, A kiss to build a dream on." 7 "Listen, they're playing our song. Wanna give it try, Johnny?" "Ahhh, I guess..." "It's not gonna work if you keep moving away. If you don't like it we'll stop, I promise." "Ok." "Well?" "That's it?" "What was wrong with it?" "Well, it wasn't much of a kiss, that's all." "I didn't want to scare you off...I can do better, you know." "Prove it." "I'm always up for a challenge." "So I've noticed." "Give me your lips for just a moment, And my imagination will make that moment live, Give me what you alone can give, A kiss to build a dream on."7 "How was that?" "Ummm, I'm still not sure. Can we try it again?" "Stop twisting my arm, Johnny. Mmmmm---it's even better when you help." "Bacall." "Hmmm?" "Lauren Bacall. 'To Have and Have Not', right?" "You like old movies?" "Sure, some. How could you not like Bogey and Bacall?" "Let me get this straight---you're an old movie buff, but you don't know who The Chairman of the Board is?" "Who?" "Fuhgeddaboudit . You just keep amazing me, you know that?" "Not as much as you amaze me." "Oh, Johnnnny...." "Nicccckkkyyyy..." "Give me your lips for just a moment, And my imagination will make that moment live, Give me what you alone can give, A kiss to build a dream on."7 "Mmmmm, ooohhhh---this is great, but ahhhh, I think we'd be more comfortable in the bedroom." "Yeah, that sounds good. As long as you bring your lips with you." "You got it. Just follow me" "Deal. Kiss me again?" "Like you have to ask?" "Mmmmm....oh, yeah..." "I do believe you're beginning to like that. Here, let me help you outta that shirt. Great chest." "Not too scrawny?" "Nah, a little pale but nice definition and just the right amount of blond fur---not too hairy. Just the way I like 'em . You an athlete?" "Actually, I play basketball." "Yeah, you can tell. I would've said swimmer-you got that tall, lean build they look for." "Lemme see you." "Patience, patience." "Screw patience!" "Hey, don't rip that! It's my favorite shirt." "I love your tattoo." "What can I say? I was a wild child. Wait 'til you get a look at my other one." "Where is it?" "You'll just have to wait and see." "What about the pants?" "What about the pants?" "New, old, handle with care, rip away...?" "They're ancient, but you first." "Only if you kiss me." "I told you you'd get hooked." "You can say that again. Uh, your zipper's stuck." "Here, let me." "And your briefs." "Johnny, slow down. We've got all night." "Turn around." "Like this?" "Oh...wow!" "Thanks. I try to please." "You succeed. Oh, boy do you succeed!" "That ass made me famous, and tonight it's all yours. C'mere---your turn." "Hey Nicky, what's that bowl doing on your night stand?" "You mean my bowl o'condoms?" "Yeah. It looks like a lifetime supply...maybe two lifetimes!" "It was a gift from friend. Reminds me to be safe at all times. And it's a helluva conversation piece." "Ingenious." "Well, are ya' gona stand there gawking at 'em all night or are ya' gonna put one on?" "Uhhh, what do you have in mind, Nicky?" "I'm thinking of throwing you into that bed and not letting you out of it until dawn. I'm thinking of making love to you all night long. And I'm thinking I wanna start off with a nice sloppy blowjob. I'm simply dying to wrap my lips around that big hard beauty you got there." "Um, Nicky, when you say make love, do you mean...?" "I want you to fuck my lights out." "I've, ahhh, I've never done that before, Nicky." "Wow! So you are an honest to God virgin?" "Stop that. It's embarrassing." "Sorry Johnny. I wasn't making fun of you. Honest. And there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I think it's neat this is your first time. It's just been so long since I even talked to a virgin and I don't think I've ever been with one before. I definitely can't remember being one!" "I'm not a complete virgin. I just never-well-I've never fucked before." "Such an ugly word for such a pleasant activity, eh? Ok. We'll do whatever you want, whatever you're comfortable with: blowjobs, handjobs, whatever. I don't want to cause you any discomfort; only pleasure tonight. I just wanna make you happy." "I am happy." "Good. Hey, try this one for size-maybe it'll fit. It's grape flavored...my favorite." "I didn't know they made grape flavored condoms." "Yeah. I get 'em at a specialty shop downtown. You'd think if we can land a man on the moon they could make a cock-flavored condom for us oral fanatics." "But I thought oral sex was safe as long as you didn't swallow." "Well, that's what they say this week. Next week they'll change their minds. I'd rather be safe than sorry." "What about the kissing?" "Same story, but from what I've read the danger is virtually nil. That's why I'll risk it---hey, they can't take away all my fun." "Nicky?" "Yeah?" "About, you know, doing it...?" "Hey, you don't hafta. It's something I really like, getting nailed by a super-hot guy, but if it's not your thing, I don't wanna push." "I didn't say it wasn't my thing, and you're not pushing. It's just, well, it's something I've thought about a lot for a long time but I've never been asked before and I always wanted my first time to be special and you're the most special guy I've ever met and I'm babbling, aren't I?" "Yes you are...but on you it works." "I tend to do it when I'm nervous." "There's nothing to be nervous about, babe. I'm actually kinda flattered you think that about me. Look, just leave everything to me. I'm gonna show you how special you are, Johnny." "I'd be lost without something to cling to, 'Cause there's no one else who loves me like you do, Such a wicked spell that you've given me, I never felt this is the way that it would be. I'd be so helpless without you..." 8 He was perfect. Gorgeous and perfect. Hot and sexy and playful and perfect. Untamed and wild and tender and perfect. Patient and sweet and feral and perfect. He made me laugh, he made me cry. He knocked me off my feet and took my breath away over and over again, all night long. It was as if he couldn't get enough of me---I know I damned well couldn't get enough of him. I had waited so long to meet a guy like Nicky, a guy I could lose control with and be myself, with no fears and no regrets. A guy I could learn from and oh boy, the lessons he taught! He was simply incredible. Everything about him was incredible. That fact was driven home to me a few moments ago when I awoke. The early morning sun streaming through the parted curtains gave me a clear, undisturbed view of him, probably the best look I had gotten of him so far. His beauty seemed almost out of place in the reality of daytime...it was so ethereal it belonged more in a dream. I know you're not supposed to judge people on their looks or first impressions but wow!--- Nicky had made quite an impact at the club, starting with an outfit designed to attract attention. It (barely) consisted of a old hot-pink Sex Wax tank-top with the neckline and arm-holes ripped out, leaving it as little more than a low hanging halter-top with long skinny spaghetti straps. It did little to cover his torso, but did a marvelous job of exposing a broad expanse of his delectable hairless chest and yummy looking cinnamon-toned nipples; not to mention affording a great view of the distinctive, skull tattoo on his right arm. Below the waist he wore little else considering his skintight well-worn jeans were strategically ripped and torn to shreds, held together by four or five straining denim threads. (In fact, his gleaming white Calvin Klein BVD's peered through the many holes at his crotch and across his magnificent ass.) Around his neck was a heavy linked gold necklace; circling his right wrist was the matching bracelet. They contrasted greatly with his golden-brown skin but went quite well with the small gold hoop that pierced his left earlobe. A new pair of hi-top Nikes and a beat-up Hard-Rock Cafe cap (worn backwards, of course) rounded out the ensemble. Let's say it was just this side of legal. I don't know how he made it to work without being arrested or assaulted. God he was hot, a walking wet dream...and judging by the overflowing "TIPS" jar on the counter I wasn't the only one who thought so. But now, in the light of day, I was able to take in and memorize the details of him that the darkness of the bar had obliterated. Now, lying next to him in his bed, in his apartment, I could see even more clearly the incredible young man who had picked me out of all those others, took me home and seduced me like the pro he was. His good looks consisted of many features both delicate and manly. The exquisite oval face featured a strong masculine jaw line (complete with 5 o'clock shadow), and a full noble Roman nose; his perfectly shaped deep blush-pink lips seemed perpetually moist and inviting, even in repose. The gold hoop that graced his left ear was now almost completely obscured by his shoulder-length hair, which had been pulled back in a ponytail at the nightclub. It spread out across the snow-white pillow and along his forehead...hair so black it had bluish tints throughout, hair softer that fresh corn silk. Even now I couldn't keep my fingers out of it. As he continued to sleep, snoring softly, a set of the longest, blackest eyelashes I'd ever seen lay flush against his bronzed skin, helping to conceal his spellbinding eyes---eyes that had instantly ensnared me. When I first met him at the bar I thought they were a tawny brown. But when he got me on the dance floor they took on a light grayish tone. Then when we got back to his place I could've sworn they appeared to be a pale cornflower blue, that is until we stumbled into the bedroom; now I'm convinced they're crystal clear moss-green. Mysterious eyes. Enchanting eyes. Eyes that expressed a mixture of worldly experience and boyish innocence. Eyes that flashed from playful to passionate to unquenchable sexual hunger in a heartbeat. God, I loved his eyes, almost as much as I loved his smile. Warm and engaging and very sexy, it came to him easily and made an already charming guy downright irresistible. The show below his newly hickey-covered neck was just as good. His hunky compact body, 5'11" maybe, 170 pounds max showed not an ounce of fat. Firm muscles were covered with olive skin as soft as rose petals; a few tiny beauty marks dotted his back and two prominent ones highlighted the left side of his manly neck. Light smatterings of dark downy fuzz adorned his arms and legs and an enticing tapered line of the stuff decorated him from belly button to groin. His chest, as I said, was completely void of hair, and capped with the most succulent hypersensitive nipples imaginable; his hands and feet were molded exactly in the image of Michaelangelo's David. Nicky shifted in his slumber and I found myself facing once more the strange tattoo that garnished his right bicep: a garish, screaming skull, its few hair strands pulled tightly straight up over its head. It was so hideously ugly compared to the handsomeness of the man who sported it. Creepy, and yet, I don't know, it seemed to fit him somehow. I mean, it worked. Weird. The other tattoo he spoke of, a small scorpion on the upper-left side of his groin was only discovered when I had gotten his naked. How he had the courage to display that area for the tattoo artist is beyond me...the most daring I had gotten was having my frat letters tattooed on my ankle. Then again, he was used to being naked and having sex in front of camera, so I guess it wasn't traumatic for him. Down past the body art, and flat washboard stomach, rested the family jewels. Not as large as some I've seen, but symmetrically ideal for him. Six, maybe six and a half inches or so, with a helmeted head, his penis had the slightest curve when erect, reaching for his cute innie bellybutton. It felt heavenly n my mouth and throat, like it was made just for me. His balls, like tiny hen's eggs, nestled in the silkiest, tastiest sac I ever had the pleasure of encountering. And his ass!! I could write a whole book about it. There was no other word to describe it except 'spectacular'. Mounted high and unusually curvaceous it jutted out proudly and suggestively behind him, and he knew just how to swagger so it would drive the gay boys crazy and dare straight men not to notice it. Just simply the roundest, sweetest pair of half-globes ever created, like two firm ripe melons, smooth and luscious. They filled out his pants quite nicely but looked even better naked, in all their milky-white glory. They were made to be grabbed and manhandled, and fit into my hands like long-lost friends. I got the distinct feeling the term 'bubble-butt' was coined the day Nick Iacona was born. By the way, did I mention he was perfect? The few guys I've been with before were, well, they were strictly the wham-bam-get-it-over-with-fast kind of guys. Always just a quick blow-job in the dark, for which I'd get an even quicker hand-job for my troubles. (And never a hug or trace of a kiss!) Even my room mate, Skip, who was also sorta my sometimes boyfriend (more out of mutual convenience than anything else) never let me sleep with him at night, as if he couldn't bear to touch me unless it was with his dick. Not that I had much of a choice. The captain of UMASS's basketball team, and a possible future NBA draft pick couldn't very well be seen hanging around the queers on campus, and the local gay bars, even the ones in Boston, were completely out of the question. The chance that mom and dad might find out was bad enough but can you imagine how my coach would react to finding out he had a homo for his star forward? And if the scouts ever found out then ---POOF!! Goodbye NBA. They would never tolerate that sort of perverstiy...Dennis Rodman not withstanding. So, because of all the dangers, I had to make do with the small amount of sex I was able to find, even as unsatisfactory as it was. But Nicky---Wow! He made love with his entire body. I didn't know anyone could do such things. Any place I caressed him caused him to tremble and squirm, to buck and writhe. Far from hurting him, my very touch seemed to bring him more pleasure than he could stand. I'd swear his whole body was one huge erogenous zone! And the way he kissed! Oh man, it should've been against the law to make someone feel that good. He didn't just use his lips, but also his tongue, his jaw-even his teeth as he drew my lower lip into his mouth and nibbled on it lightly. So incredibly wild. Then when he really settled in for some serious face sucking, it was almost too much to take. His sweet mouth was glued to mine and his hot breath pushed into my lungs, swelling my chest out tight. When I couldn't hang on any longer, I exhaled and forced the air back into him; we continued to paw each other relentlessly all the while. We kept that up until I was dizzy and my heart was beating like a drum. We broke contact just long enough to take a gulp of fresh air before we went at it again, our tongues dancing the watusi for a long, long time. Nicky was correct about kissing. By the time he was finished making out with me I was hotter than the cord on a cheap toaster. We somehow managed to stumble into the bedroom, hugging and touching and tickling each other; I couldn't stop laughing and giggling. I had never had so much fun with a guy before, well, at least not one I was about to sleep with. He made me feel so free, as if I could really express myself, my true self, my deepest desires, for the first time in my life. I could finally be me. He didn't give me much time to think about all that, though, as he began to kiss me again while he simultaneously finished stripping me. Once we managed to get naked, I found out that Nicky was far from done with me, as that magical mouth of his started roaming everywhere: down my neck, up to my ears, through my hair, across my shoulders and pecs (where he discovered my nipples and latched onto them for what seemed like an hour!) before eventually landing in my armpits, burrowing and licking to his heart's content. Kinky, yes, but the pleasured little whimpers and moans he make while doing it---God!---what a turn-on!! When he finally got around to my cock he spent just as much time getting to know it as he did the rest of me. First thing he did was reach into his 'candy dish' and remove a shiny silver packet, apparently forgetting I still held the crushed grape-flavored one in my sweaty hand. He winked at me slyly as he ripped it open and placed the rolled condom in his mouth; he then proceeded to expertly unroll it down my raging hard-on, all the way without gagging or stopping, until his nose touched my stomach. He paused a second or two, moments when I could revel in the tightness of his throat, shook his head from side to side, then slowly withdrew to display my now pink rubberized penis. He smirked at me smugly, a shimmer in his kaleidoscopic eyes, before he went back to work. Even with the condom on I'd never experienced such a blow-job in my life. He spent quite some time just licking it over and over (I wondered briefly what flavor he had grabbed) but especially around the sensitive head, under the ridge, along the thick vein underneath, barely skimming past my balls then back again. His hands were far from idle; his left one squeezing and massaging my ass-cheeks while his right one was squeezing and massaging my swollen penis. And just when I was about to climb the walls, he shoved my whole cock back into his mouth---a mouth so hot it could melt iron. My hands, meanwhile, were content to curl themselves tenderly through that silky soft black hair, occasionally straying downward to stroke that sweet handsome face. Oh, so good!! He was an absolute artist, his tempo always changing, always keeping you guessing what would come next. His slow, leisurely pace was nice but I enjoyed his fast and furious chowing-down-like-a-starving-dog actions even more. He kept me on the brink, seemingly forever, until he had me just where he wanted me, totally wrapped around his little finger, willing to do his every bidding. Leaning back on his heels, completely out of breath, he looked up at me with eyes full of lust and juices dribbling down his chin. A hand quickly wiped his smiling mouth as he spoke---simple, direct, to the point---"Wanna fuck, Johnny?" How could I refuse? I offered him my hand and pulled him up to me; still holding my hand, he pulled me over to the bed. Pausing first for another deep kiss he then laid down on his back, spread his bent legs wide and presented himself to me. I stupidly stood there starting at him, my erection standing straight in the air until I heard Nicky laughing at me. "C'mon kid---dinner's served." I know I blushed crimson, which got Nicky laughing even harder. I liked the sound of it, a loud, boisterous, rolling kind of laugh that makes you want to join in, but right then I was torn instead between anger and humiliation. Here I was, a scared virgin, and there was Nicky, aka porn superstar Joey Stefano, laughing at me. It took me a few seconds to realize he wasn't laughing at me but at the situation: him, laying there, holding his legs in the air, flashing me with his famous bung-hole while I was immobile as a statue, my huge pink boner waiting for instructions. I guess I would've been laughing myself if I hadn't been so nervous. His giggles began to subside and soon he was reaching out his arms to me. "Come on, Johnny," he whispered. "Don't be embarrassed. Everyone's gotta have a first time. C'mere, babe. I'll show you what to do." And just like that, Nicky set out to make me a man. He showed me how to put my partner at ease, and how to prepare him for intercourse, using my fingers, some lubricating gel and a lot of kissing and caressing. He taught me that the foreplay---the touching, the stroking, the tastes and the smells---were just as important (and fun!) as the actual copulating. I learned, just by watching his radiant face, exactly when he was ready to move on, no words needed. He lifted his legs high and placed them on my shoulders as I moved into position. I went slowly at first, not only to prevent hurting him but also to prolong the ecstasy. Still, there were a few tense moments after I entered him. He grimaced for a second or two and he took a couple of really deep breaths; I instinctively stopped advancing until he gave me the word. I felt his whole body suddenly relax, and he gave me a huge smile. That was all the encouragement I needed and I slid in effortlessly, all eight rock solid inches, which caused Nicky to sigh contentedly. I allowed myself to be pulled down for a long lingering kiss as he wiggled his ass against me. As for me, I'd never felt closer to anyone before, seemingly right down to my soul. It was so emotional to me I actually began to cry. "Oh God", I thought. "He must think I'm a complete loser now." But all Nicky did was give me a tiny sympathetic smile and affectionately brushed the tears from my cheeks. I looked deeply into those beautiful ever-changing eyes of his, and began to move within him. After a dozen or so thrusts all anxiety in me was gone, replaced by a sense of total serenity; meanwhile the absolute blissfulness on Nicky's face told me he was enjoying every minute as much as I was, if not more so. If I needed anymore evidence to convince me I was on the right track, it was confirmed when he threw his head back against the pillows and growled, lustfully, "Ahh, yeah, baby, that's it. Fuck me, Johnny, fuck me good. Ugh, fuck my ass!!" In addition to being very vocal, he was also amazingly flexible---he had drawn his knees up high onto his chest, almost touching his own shoulders-and his head tossed cheerfully from side to side as he groaned and muttered nonsense words to no one at all. (Could I possibly be doing that to him? Was it possible for one person to make another feel that good?) His exquisite hands were either busy petting me or, more likely, grabbing onto his bloated prick, pumping it in rhythm to my plunges. What started as a slow, sweet life-defining joining quickly degenerated into a hot sweaty all-consuming fucking session. I found myself driving and plunging my rock-hard cock into his fabulous ass deeper and faster, with Nicky moaning his full agreement. It was so amazing, so incredible so, gee, I can't put it into words. With each thrust into his lean, hard body I felt years of uncertainty melt away. I felt free and alive and whole for the first time in my life. I couldn't believe I had waited 20 years for this moment, but he certainly was making it worth the wait. Just my good luck to find such an experienced remarkable lover for my first time... we gelled as if we'd been together since the beginning of time. Unfortunately, it wasn't too long until we were spiraling out of control, with only one end in sight. Nicky crested first, gasping, "God, I love it!" as he came, the long ropey white strands shooting along his pecs, across his belly and coating his hand. When he lifted his fingers to his mouth and slurped up his own cream ("The only sure-safe protein there is," he had joked) I lost it and came myself, crying out in joy as I filled the rubber to the rim. We cuddled quietly for a while, regaining some of our energy until I pulled away from Nicky and politely excused myself to the bathroom. I felt gross and sticky and what the hell do I do with this used condom? I took a couple of minutes to clean up and collect myself before returning to my playmate. The sight that greeted my return was breathtaking: Nicky was reclining on the bed, looking dreamily at the bathroom door while stroking his gradually growing penis. He gave me a sly come-on look and queried, "Ready for round two?" I gave him what I hoped he'd interpret as the same look and replied, "And what does that entail?" He rolled off the bed and approached me with an almost animal-like grace. When he was about five inches from my face, he held up two of his specialty condoms and answered, "Bag it and tag it." I started to chuckle and he smirked, "Well, it was either that or 'sack it and suck it.' Which do you prefer?" I just shook my head. "They're both interesting", I told him. "You certainly have a colorful way of expressing yourself, Nicky." He gently cupped my face with his left hand and ran a caressing thumb across my lips. "So I've heard," he remarked. "Now, are you going to continue this silly conversation or put that pretty mouth of yours to a more constructive use." I lightly nipped at his finger. "And that would be...?" I teased. He displayed the condoms again and inquired, "Which do you prefer---bubblegum or red licorice?" "I've always been partial to red licorice," I told him honestly, and that made his smile even bigger. "I knew you were a guy after my own heart." He gave me a quick kiss on the nose and handed the chosen rubber to me. "Go to it, college-boy." Not being very experienced with the things, or as adventurous as my sexy lover, I attempted to slip it on him the 'normal' way, which turned out to rather clumsy and awkward. Nicky was patient, and by helping me out we soon had him wrapped up and ready. I soon found myself sinking to my knees and going down on him as he had done for me. I knew I wasn't as talented as Nicky, but he never let me feel inferior. I'm sure some of the loud pleasured groans were faked for my benefit, but they were appreciated, and more than encouraged me further to greater feats. It was a minute or two before I noticed his hands on each side of my face, guiding me along. Unlike Skip, who usually grabbed the back of my head and used me roughly, Nicky was gently directing me, letting me know through his tender touch where to go and what to do to please him. When I got the hang of it, his hands slid into my hair, his fingers casually brushing it. Nice...and this time the groans were more convincing. All too soon he reached under my arms and pulled me to my feet. Then, after some more smooching, he pushed me onto my back on the bed, taking his place near my head. I had thought the blowjob had come to an end but apparently not. Fine by me. He straddled my face and slowly lowered himself in, but just as I closed my lips once more around that luscious licorice-flavored cock he pulled out, laughing at my puzzled look. He leaned back in but again pulled out just as quickly, still enjoying my confusion. This time I didn't keep quiet, "Hey! What gives?" Nicky grabbed himself and leered at me, "You want this, Johnny? Huh? You wanna suck my big hard cock? Is that what you want?" Just reading the words you can't appreciate the scene. It was the way he said it, so low and gruff, that made it very exciting. It was such a departure from everything else we had done that I was left speechless for a moment; it was only when he winked at me that I knew he was putting me on again. He reached down and cupped my face with both hands, lovingly stroking my cheeks. He gazed down at me with those captivating eyes and whispered seductively, "Gonna suck it some more, Johnny? Please baby? You do it sooo goo-oo-ood" I decided to show I could give it as well as take. "Sure thing, honey, anything for you," I baby-talked. "I wuv sucking on Nicky's wittle dickie." He grinned from ear to ear, showing off dimples deep in the corners of his mouth I hadn't noticed before. Jesus Christ, could he possibly get any cuter?! And why was it nobody ever told me you could laugh and joke during sex? I always thought it was supposed to be so deadly serious. "Well college-boy, I'm waiting," he snidely commented, still with that charming leer on his handsome face. Instead of answering, I grabbed his ass and shoved him in to the hilt. He wiggled playfully, trying to get away, but I'd have none of that. With my hands trapping him to me he soon realized I was in control now and we would go at my pace---simple as that. We both really got into it. Nicky towered over me, pinching his nipples, causing him to throw his head back and moan with abandon. Me? I tried to do all I could to give him as much pleasure as possible, or at least as much as I was experiencing. We'd take a break every couple of minutes, dragging it out, making it last, never wanting it to end. It was during one of those brief pauses that I noticed his the smart-alecky smirk and the devilish gleam in his eye. "What?" I asked. "Can you reach that dish and get me one of those God-forsaken things?" he requested. "What for?" His smirk got broader, and he winked at me. "Why should you have all the fun?" I handed him a green and bronze packet. "Ahh, chocolate mint...these are almost as good as the grape ones." He pivoted around until he was facing my feet, and meticulously rolled the rubber on me. It wasn't long before we both fell right back into the rhythm of the act, each demonstrating our unique techniques, each loving the other as best as we knew how. At one point, I felt something hard and wet poking at my anus, trying to gain entry. I was so surprised I must've jumped two feet in the air. Nicky rose off my cock just long enough to say, "Don't get scared...it's just my finger. I'd use my tongue, but that's numero-uno on the safe-sex no-no list. I've got it pretty greased up. I think you'll like it." I was a little uncertain about this new development but as his finger was slowly circling and caressing my anus, and I had to admit, I LIKED IT!! "Do you want me to stop?" "No-o-o-o, I'll let you know." But I didn't let him know, and he didn't stop. His finger succeeded in breaching my virgin entrance, and he wasn't lying to me. It did hurt momentarily, but then it felt great. He went back to sucking on my even-harder-now cock, his finger working my asshole, and I was transported. I returned the favor, my finger slipping easily into Nicky's receptive cavity to his accompanying happy murmurs. He pulled off me once more and panted out, "Johnny, reach into that top drawer of the nightstand." I did as he requested, and pulled out a hard, rubber...vibrator. It was big and long and, "Um, Nicky...what are you going to do with this?" I nervously asked. A finger was one thing, but this? He laughed heartily. "What do you think? Get yer finger outta there and put that baby to good use!" I didn't want to hurt him, but he seemed to know what I was doing. I placed the tip to his hole, which eagerly began to suck it in. He groaned in pleasure as I slid it in all the way and barely was able to grunt out, "Turn it on...oh, man... high!" I flipped the switch and it began to hum. Nicky cried out in ecstasy, and going down on my cock with a vengence. Mouths were full, assholes were occupied, cocks were being serviced---did life get better than this? Not likely. I was having the best sex of my life, the best sex I would ever have, with the sexiest man I would ever meet. Porn star or bartender. Joey or Nicky. I didn't care what his name was or what was in his past. He was simply, without question, the sexiest, most gorgeous, most incredible guy to ever cross my path and he was giving me a night I would never forget. Action this hot ensured we wouldn't last long, and we didn't. I was the first to blow; Nicky barely got the condom off before I erupted everywhere. He extracted himself from my mouth and, sitting heavily on my chest, ripped off his own rubber. He pulled on his pud a couple of times while I fucked him with the vibrator. He cried out loudly and quickly shot off, adding to the puddle of cum on my belly. He was still panting and trembling when I grabbed him around the waist and yanked him backwards on top of me. We were both laughing, coming down from one helluva sexual high. I kissed him tenderly right below his left ear as I carefully removed the fake plastic phallus. His contented sigh was touched with a hint of disappointment. "Hey, Nicky..." "Hey..." "I, ah, I think we'll have to wait awhile for round three." He looked over his shoulder at me. "Do you want a round three?" I tittered, "Of course, but maybe not 'til morning." "So, you want to stay tonight?" He asked it uncertainly, almost like a little boy who is used to hearing "NO" too often. "Sure, if you want me to." I gave him another kiss. "Is there something wrong?" He seemed rather surprised, so I asked if anything was wrong with that. "No, nuthin's wrong," he answered, again his jovial self, the momentary crack in his protective armor sealed up once more. "I'm just not used to guys, well, most of the guys I meet usually just grab their clothes and go before their boyfriends realize they're missing." "I don't have a boyfriend, remember?" He rolled off me onto his side and looked at me with those sparkling eyes. "That's right. You don't." He pulled me close for a kiss, then another, and another. When he had had his fill, he asked me, "Did you want to wash up again?" I ran my finger through our combined juices and smiled. "Nah, I kinda like a part of you with me. Who knows, maybe it'll help me dream of you." He laughed, and gave me one last unhurried kiss before crawling into my arms. "Good night, and sweet dreams then, college-boy." I kissed him on the top of his head, my lips brushing that incredibly silky hair. "Good night, " I whispered, and hugged him closer to me. Nicky Iacona. The name sang in my head again and again. I couldn't stop my heart from pounding like a sledgehammer as I gazed upon him; I actually had to look away for fear it would beat right out of my chest. I caught sight of the clock-only 6:45. Still early. Should I wake him up for 'round three'? Nah, he was sleeping so soundly. A sudden yawn made me realize I was just as exhausted as he was, maybe more so. (Hey, it had been a big night for me!) I put my head on the pillow next to his, and was asleep before my eyelids had finished closing. "In your eyes, the light the heat, In your eyes, I am complete, In your eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches, In your eyes, the resolution of all the fruitless searches, In your eyes, I see the light and the heat, In your eyes, Oh, I want to be that complete, I want to touch the light the heat I see In your eyes."(9) "What a great song. That was Peter Gabriel, and this is Mick Stephans. You're listening to Miami's classic rock station, 100.7 WZLX, and it's time for one last traffic update before 9:00..." "Hey, Sleeping Beauty, time to get up." "Whaaa?" "You heard the man. It's almost 9 o'clock...can't sleep this gorgeous day away." "Hmmmm?" "Not much of a morning conversationalist I see." "Huhhh?" "Maybe some breakfast will get you going. Hope you like frosted flakes---don't have much else in the house." "You gotta get out to the market more often." "Sorry. Didn't know I was gonna have such demanding company." "It just so happens I love frosted flakes. Kiss please?" "Yep, you're hooked." "Mmmmm. It's all your fault. You're such a bad influence." "Can't help it---it's the bad boy in me. Strawberries or blueberries?" "Blueberries. And I like the bad boy." "Really?" "Uh-huh...a lot." "Well, I like the college-boy even more." "Yeah?" "Oh, yeah. Here ya' go-bon appetit. Just don't spill any milk on the sheets." "Wow, I've never had breakfast before, well, unless you count my mom when I had the measles. Aren't you going to join me? Don't give me that look. I mean, aren't you gonna have something to eat." "Well, since you offered..." "Nicky!! Watch the hands!" "Hey, I said be careful with the milk. Anyway, I already had something while you were sleeping. You're so sexy when you're asleep." "You---were watching me sleep?" "Yeah, couldn't help myself. I'm really glad you stayed last night." "Me too." "What are yer plans for today, Johnny?" "Nothing special. Just some sightseeing I guess. I've never been to Miami before." "Well, I could show you the sights, if you want me to." "You've already shown me plenty of sights, Nicky. I especially liked your version of 'Moon over Miami.'" "You sick perv! I meant the tourist-y kind." "Aw, that would probably bore you to tears." "Not if I'm spending time with you. It'll be a day in Paradise." "Ohhh, such a smooth talker." "Only when I'm inspired. Look, while you finish your cereal, I'm just gonna hop in the shower. Then it'll be free when you're ready." "I'm ready now." "So I see-maybe we should make it a cold shower, huh?" "Like you said, Nicky, I'm hooked." "Just be careful. It's very easy to become addicted." "It's quarter to three, there's no one in the place, Except you and me, So set 'em up, Joe...I got a little story, I think you should know. We're drinking my friend, to the end, Of a brief episode, So make it one for my baby, And one more for the road."(10) We spent the rest of the week together. Nicky showed me the sights...mostly the one around his bedroom, but I didn't mind. I was making up for lost time and Nicky, well, I think he was just enjoying being himself, that he didn't have to pretend to be some porn legend persona to impress me. I think I was a novelty for him, someone who truly cared about Nicky and didn't give one damn for Joey Stefano. Sometimes when we went out, he'd be recognized, and it bothered him. People would ask for his autograph, and he'd be both flattered and put out at the same time. He kept telling me Joey was gone and wasn't coming back, like an unwanted house- guest. It sometimes seemed he didn't understand Joey wasn't a separate person; he'd even refer to him in the third person. There was one thing about 'Joey' that he was proud of, besides the acting award he had won, and he showed it to me the second night we were together. I couldn't believe he was actually in Madonna's infamous 'SEX' book!! And his copy was personally autographed by the Material Girl herself. He appeared throughout the section on The Gaiety in New York. The pictures were ok, but didn't do him justice, in my opinion, but I didn't tell him that...I didn't want to hurt his feelings. (Although the ones of him in the combat books kissing another guy were quite hot!) As for his films, he never offered to show them to me, and I think to his relief, I never asked to see them. He taught me so much in that short time. How to make love to a guy, obviously, but also to be proud of who and what I was. He let me know that my being gay was ok and not something to be ashamed of. I learned a lot about myself, and Nicky, that week. Just as I felt comfortable opening up to him, he seemed to feel at ease around me. We spent every minute of those six days together laughing and loving, and when it came time to catch my flight back to Boston, crying. I guess we both knew it had to end eventually, but neither of us wanted it to. At the airport, Nicky gave me a gift...a Frank Sinatra tape. He told me, "Think of me when you listen to it." Yeah, as if I needed any extra help to remember him. I threw it into my walkman as soon as I got on the plane and played it all the way home. I thought of him often after I got back to Amherst, and it would always bring a smile to my face. I wrote him a couple of times, but I never heard from him. I eventually got bogged down with final exams and gave up trying to contact him, but that didn't stop me from dreaming about him at night, or starring in my favorite jerk-off fantasies The day I turned 21, and was official 'legal', I went down to the local adult bookstore. It was a weird feeling, and there was still the chance I could get recognized, so I grabbed a couple of Hustler as a precaution as I browsed the "gay" section. I found a few older gay magazines with pictures of Joey in them that I had to have. He was a couple of years younger, had shorter hair and the slightest hint of baby-fat on his slim frame, but it was still Nicky. I didn't necessarily want the nude photos as sexy as they were, but to see that face again---those fiery bedroom eyes, that tarty, knowing smirk. Oh god, I still couldn't get over how beautiful he was. I know that's an odd word to use for a man, but that's what he was: breathtakingly beautiful. As I made my way to the counter to pay for my items, I passed the adult video room. I had purposely avoided it, remembering how ambivalent he had been about his fame. I wanted to think of him only as Nicky, and had made it a point not to see any of his movies though I had opportunities to do so. I guess I just wanted my memories to remain pure. But I found myself being pulled in against my will. I looked around and was amazed by how many box-covers he appeared on. He wasn't lying...there were at least 20 titles. I was heading out the door when I caught one title out the corner of my eye 'More of a Man', the one for which he had won his 'Adult Oscar'. It was pricey, but I added it to my purchases. I wore out those magazines, looking at those pictures, but I never could bring myself to watch the movie; I just felt Nicky would be disappointed in me, that I was just like all the others. So it sat on my shelf, collecting dust. "I know the routine, put another nickel, In the machine, I feel kind of bad, can't you make the music, Easy and sad. I could tell you a lot, but it's not, In a gentleman's code, Make it one for my baby, And one more for the road."(10) A couple of weeks after my adult excursion, I came back from summer classes to find a card on my bed. It was a silly Far Side birthday card and inside was written: Hey Johnny, Got your letters. Sorry I didn't write back sooner but I'm not a good letter writer. I think of you too and I miss you. Hope things are good with you. Hey, Happy late birthday. Sorry I missed it. I wanted to get up to Boston to say Hi but haven't had time. You'll never guess what happened to me...I met the greatest guy after you left. He's only 19 (does that make me a dirty old man?) and we've only been together a few weeks but I think I'm in love. I really think he's the one. I hope this doesn't make you mad or jealous or anything. We had a great time, Johnny, and I won't ever forget that week, or you. You're a really special guy and I know someday you'll meet someone who makes you as happy as I am right now. Gotta run. I'm late for work. Take care. Maybe we'll meet again someday. Kisses and hugs, Nicky At first I was stunned. He had found someone else? And he chose to tell me about him in my own birthday card? How could I not be mad or jealous? Some 19 year old tramp was with my Nicky!! But then I remembered...he wasn't mine. He was in Miami; I was in Massachusettes. We were together one week. What gave me the right to make a claim on him? It was just a Spring Break Fling, after all. A glorious seven day dalliance that'll still bring a smile to my face when I'm old and gray. How could I deny him the happiness he had found by being bitter? I sat right down and wrote him, to let him know how I felt and how glad I was for him. "You'd never know it, but buddy I'm a kind of poet, And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say, And if I'm gloomy, please listen to me, Till it's talked away."(10) I never got a reply to that letter, and we never did see each other again. Five months later he was gone. They found him in a motel room in Hollywood. He had lied to me. He said that part of his life was over. Dead of an overdose at 26. Morphine, Special K, cocaine and heroin. He had lied to me again. He said he didn't do H. They never prosecuted the dealer that was with him that night, and supplied him with the drugs. I was shocked when I learned the news that a light so bright would no longer shine. I wanted to yell, to scream, to rail against the injustice of it all. The story that started coming out after his death painted a picture of a Nicky I didn't know. His 19 year old boyfriend, the guy he thought was 'the one' when he had written to me turned out to be a hustler. Their breakup shattered Nick and drove him back to the only life he knew. He flew out to Hollywood and started doing porn again. He also went back to drugs, and this time he couldn't pull himself out. This time, they were his downfall. It hurt to read the things that were written about him in the following months. Writers said he had nothing but his body. Writers said he was nothing but a junkie prostitute whose life was pointless anyway. One writer said Joey was lots of things, but tragic wasn't one of them. They were wrong. They were all wrong. Nicky was tragic, the very definition of the word. The dictionary defines 'tragic' this way: 1) Involving death, calamity or suffering; fatal; terrible; 2.) Pertaining to or having the nature of tragedy. And what is a tragedy? " A form of drama in which the protagonist comes to disaster through a flaw in his nature or is crushed by social and psychological forces." What could be more tragic than Nick Iacona's life? They ruled his death accidental, not a suicide, even though he had tried to take his life on at least two known occasions. People in the industry were quick to say the porn business didn't kill him, and that fame didn't destroy him, either. They said he was hopelessly addicted before he ever made his first movie. His friends said there was no way to save him, but yet, to me, it didn't seem they had even tried. Then again, maybe they were right. He was HIV positive. The sad fact is he would've died young, anyway. It struck me how important the sex we had had was as safe as possible---he didn't want me to get infected, too. Strangely, it touched me deeply that he could be so concerned about me. The industry claimed it was "surprised" to find out he was HIV positive...guess I wasn't the only one he told lies to. We'll never know what other secrets Nicky took with him. I wanted to go to the funeral and pay my respects, but thought better of it. I didn't want to have to explain to his family who I was and how I knew their son and brother. I sent flowers instead, and mailed the money I would've spent on a bus ticket to the local AIDS fund. Instead, on the day of his funeral, I locked myself in my dorm room. I took down that dust-covered copy of 'More of a Man' and played it for the first time. There he was, in glorious color, alive and well and full of life. He was never more beautiful or sexy or incredible. It wasn't the same as the magazine photos. Now I could hear his voice and his laughter again, see those luminous eyes flash with fire again, fall in love all over again with that charming roguish smile. My Nicky was with me once more. And with Frank Sinatra crooning in the backround, I began to cry. "Well, that's how it goes, and Joe I know you're getting' Anxious to close, Thanks for the cheer, I hope you didn't mind me, My bending your ear. But this torch that I found, It's gotta be drowned, Or it's gonna explode, Make it one for my baby, And one more for the road."(10) SONG-OGRAPY 1) "I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters 2) "Obsession" by Anamotion. 3) "I Melt With You" by Modern English. From the album "After the Snow" 4) "I Want Your Sex" by George Michael. From the album "Faith" 5) "Why Can't I Be You?" by The Cure. From the album "Kiss, Kiss, Kiss" 6) "The Way You Look Tonight" Performed by Frank Sinatra 7) "A Kiss To Build A Dream On" Words and music by Bert Kalmer, Harry Ruby and Oscar Hammerstein, III 8) "Helpless (I Don't Know What To Do Without You)" by Urbanized featuring Silvano. From the soundtrack to the motion picture "Jeffrey" 9) "In Your Eyes" Words and music by Peter Gabriel. From the album "So" 10) "One For My Baby" Words and music by Johnny Mercer and Harold Arlen