Hello guys, now that you all got an idea of what I was going through, I hope you understand why it was taking a while for me to write. I was really fucked up about it but I'm doing better now. Also, for a time frame, last chapter happened around mid-April. This chapter takes place in current time, early June. That should be enough to catch you guys up on the time frame of the story.

Anyways, please continue to email me so I know someone is reading and liking what I'm writing. I also have a playlist of songs that I listen to while writing the chapters if ya'll are interested.

The email you can reach me at is lore.guerra13@gmail.com for questions, comments, concerns or donations ha-`ha, just kidding!

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When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

You roll out of bed, down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe.

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No, she's not.

`Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

 

 

I rolled in bed and saw Sebastian's body lying next to me. I smiled and gently wrapped my arm around him. Feeling him let out a deep breath of relief, I brought my head closer to his naked back and breathed him in. He had his own distinct aroma. I pulled him closer to me, careful not to wake him. I noticed our breathing patterns mirrored each other's. One breath in. One breath out. Like clockwork.

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Will you get them if I did?

No, you won't.

`Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

 

 

Something must have woken him as I felt him move a bit before turning around to face me. His sleepy hazel eyes met mine. He smiled. "Good morning, A. I missed you," he said.

I smiled and my hand traced the frame of his face. "Good morning, Seb. I missed you, too." I said.

We stared at each other for a bit. The sound of our breathing was the only sound filling the room. I looked at his face and memorized every curve, every dimple, every little bristle of hair on his unshaven face.

All at once, a cold shiver ran through my body. Before I knew it, I bolted straight up in my bed. My bedside clock read 3:55 AM. I wiped my forehead and noticed I had been sweating in my sleep again. My eyes were watery, too. I wiped them dry.

For weeks, I had had the same dream on and off again – the same dream of waking up by ... his side. I always woke up to an empty bed, though.

The night sweats started three days after I last saw him.

The drinking got worse the day I found out he had moved.

Where? I didn't know.

Wouldn't matter if I did, anyway.

I opened my bedside cabinet and took out a bar I had bought from a friend. I took them to help me sleep at night. I took them to help me feel better throughout the day, too.

Dry swallowing the bar, I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,

The waking up is the hardest part.

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Looking back at the past month and a half, I realized that I could actually be handling it much worse. I mean, yes, there was the drinking and the pills and the depression but, as one of my favorite author's said, "I was on a roller coaster that only went up."

Despite everything that happened last month, I had passed my classes with Cs and Bs. I had gotten a small intern job at my local school district for the summer with a potential job offer working with administration as soon as I graduated. I refrained from drinking in the middle of the day a week after he had left. I realized I wasn't going to let him fuck me up more than he already had so I got my life together a bit and, after missing a week from work for a "family death, " I got a second part-time job. They didn't need to know about my drug and drinking problem, though.

The first few weeks were hard, yes, but I was coping the only way I could. Lea and Ralf tried to cheer me up in the beginning but even they couldn't do much. I didn't want to tell them about the way I was coping, fearing they would worry, so I had been giving them countless excuses to not see them. They had even offered to take me out this Saturday – my birthday – so I could distract myself. I told them I was fine and that I would rather just sleep-in in my apartment this year. They kept trying to convince me otherwise, but I had already made up my mind.

I woke up Saturday morning, hungover from my drinking Friday night. I went to my kitchen and saw that all I had was a loaf of bread, a few eggs, milk and OJ. I know it sounds like I had no money because of the drugs and the alcohol, but that really wasn't the case. The reason I didn't have any food in my fridge was because I didn't like going outside more than I had to. I got the loaf of bread, put it in the toaster and mixed some chocolate with the last of my milk. When my toast came out, I put a little butter on that and ate it with some chocolate milk.

I looked at my plate in front of me and sighed. "Happy Birthday, Alex," I said.

I spent the rest of my Saturday high in my apartment waiting for it to be late enough so that my drinking was considered "normal-ish."

When that time finally came, I decided to get in my car and drive for a bit. Ralf, Emma, and Josh had invited me out to eat for my birthday, but I had canceled on them. Again.

As I was driving around town, I popped a bar and put the radio on high. I had started blasting the radio after I realized that I had stopped singing along to it. Thinking back, I think it had happened around the same time I had found out he had moved. A slow jam began to play. I didn't recognize the song, but I did recognize the artist. I figured Taylor Swift was a good an artist as any to distract me until I got to a bar.

"I bet, this time at night you're still up.

I bet, you're tired from a long hard week.

I bet, you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.

And I bet sometimes you wonder about me."

Fitting, I thought. I debated on changing the station but thought it unnecessary as I was only a few minutes away from the closest bar. Whatever. I left the station on and kept driving.

"And I just want to tell you it takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't – I almost do.

I almost do."

I didn't even realize where I was driving until I did. I parked my car out in the driveway but left the ignition on. I looked at the empty house, lights off, curtains shut. I knew that even if the curtains were opened, there'd be no one and nothing inside. It'd be just as dark and empty inside as it was outside.

"I bet, you think I either moved on or hate you.

`Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.

I bet, it never, ever occurred to you that I can't say `hello' to you.

And risk another `goodbye.'"

I walked out of my car, leaving the radio and ignition on. I walked towards the front of the house and stopped in front of the door. I looked at it and took a deep, shallow breath. I knew it was just a stupid wooden door – there were millions like this all over the world. But this one was different. This one was important.

I touched it, my warm fingers grazing the cold, hard wood.

It's funny how a rectangular piece of wood could divide so much.

"We made quite a mess, babe – It's probably better of this way.

And I confess, babe, in my dreams you're touching my face.

And asking me if I want to try again with you.

And I almost do."

Why did you have to fuck me up this much?

Why did you have to lead me on – you knew how I fucking felt about you.

Why did you have to leave me here - alone – asking myself why?

Why did I let myself fall for you so hard and so fast, Sebastian?

 

 

"And I just want to tell you it takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't – I almost do.

I almost do.

I bet, this time at night you're still up.

I bet, you're tired from a long hard week.

I bet, you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.

And I hope sometimes you wonder about me."

 

 

I finally stepped away from the door. No matter what I thought, it was nothing more than a piece of wood serving as an entrance to an empty house now. Slowly, I walked back to my car, popped another bar, made a few texts and changed the station.

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I got to the closest bar ten minutes later. I didn't remember that name of it. I didn't care. I ordered a hard drink and began my birthday celebration. A few drinks in, I got a text message. I read it and replied that I was on my way. I downed another drink, paid for my tab and headed out the door. My drink tolerance had gone considerably up the past month so the drinks weren't hitting me as much as they would have. Still wasn't an excuse to drive but it's not like I was in any condition to argue with myself.

It took me 8 minutes to get to the dorms at my UNIV. It took me 4 minutes to get out of my car and walk up to the third floor of the dorms. When I did, a guy of about 23 opened the door.

"Hey, you're Alex right? From Craigslist?"

I nodded. It was me, Alex, from Craigslist, after all.

OK, confession time. I really wasn't doing too well since he had left. But I guess that was obvious already.

I realized I had forgotten the guy's name. Fuck, maybe he never gave it to me. It didn't matter though, I was here for one thing only: to feel better.

I walked into his apartment and he motioned for me to sit on the couch. I did.

"You want anything to drink, man?" He was good looking: nice body, black hair, light complected, light brown eyes.

"Sure. You got anything strong?"

"Ha-ha. Yeah, I have some whiskey if you want?"

I thought about it. "Nah," I said. "I have a bad relationship with whiskey. Do you have any tequila?"

He did. He brought out his bottle and we drank a few shots. My head was spinning from all I had taken tonight. "Should we get started?"

I tried to think of anything else I'd rather do but realized that I'd probably have to do them alone – I didn't want to be alone tonight. "Let's get started," I said as I followed him to his room.

The guy pushed me on my back as soon as we got to his bed and sat on top of me. He began to take his shirt off and unbuckled his pants. I starred at him in the dim light as I felt him get hard and saw him pull down his boxer shorts.

I saw his dick pop out of his shorts and he aimed it at my mouth. I leaned forward and took him into it.

Slept in my makeup - didn't get my teeth brushed.

I crashed on the couch and now my mouth tastes like yesterday's news.

Well, hello Jean Bean – oh, the places you've seen.

If only you could talk, you'd tell me why he walked out on me and you.

He grabbed my ears and began to fuck my throat.

"You like that?" He said, smirking as I held his dick in my mouth.

"Mhm," I said. I pulled his dick out of my mouth and stroked it for a few seconds. I licked his balls and shaft as he moaned on top of me. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to his dick again. As I opened my mouth to suck on it, he stopped me and began to slap my cheek with his hard dick. I let him slap me for a couple of times before I took him back into my mouth.

I sucked on his dick for a few more minutes before he pulled off and leaned down to my face. Before I knew it, he was kissing me. I let his tongue explore my mouth and felt his hands begin pulling up my shirt. When my shirt was off, he moved on to my pants. He unbuckled them and pulled them off in a swift motion.

"Nice dick, man." He said as he pulled my own shorts off and my dick slapped my naval. I felt his hot breath on my dick before he took me inside his own mouth. To his credit, he was a good dick sucker. I felt his tongue roll around my head before he would bob up and down.

"Ah, fuck yeah." I said through closed eyes. I felt his hands reach for my nipples and pinch them – that always drove me crazy. Memories of him tried to flood back in but I pushed them away. I held on to his head as I began to face fuck him.

I drove around last night, thinking about our last fight.

I cruised by your house and all the lights were out and you were gone.

So I found me a stranger with his comfort and danger.

But I thought about you the whole time we were getting it on.

 

 

He must have gotten tired of sucking me off as he pulled off and turned me around. My bare ass was exposed to him now.

"Fuck," he said as he slapped my ass. "This shit looks tight as fuck."

Before he could do anything else though, I turned around and handed him a condom I had in my pants.

He hesitated for a second but must have seen I was serious about it. He put the condom on and lined his dick to my hole. He didn't wait for me to adjust as he pushed himself completely inside me.

"Ah, fuck." I said through gritted teeth.

"That's right," he said. "That's what you get for making me wear this shit."

I couldn't do anything but moan into my forearm.

 

Oh, the things lovers do when it's over.

Oh, the things lovers do when it's done.

Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder,

Wake up older and try to move on.

 

"Ah, that tight ass is so good." I felt him quicken his thrusts and heard the loud slaps from my ass hitting his thighs.

"Fuck." I said as I felt him go balls deep inside me.

He grunted as he pulled almost entirely out of me then rammed himself back inside.

"Oh, fuck." I said through gritted teeth.

His thrusts felt like they kept getting faster and deeper inside me.

"I'm getting close," he said.

I backed my own ass into his dick and swiveled it around, trying to make him cum faster. It worked. I felt him hold on tight to my ass and ram me harder and faster than he had before. I buried my head in the nook of my forearm and felt myself get closer, too.

"Ah, ah shit!" With one quick motion, he rammed himself inside me again making me whimper and I felt him unload.

Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder.

Wake up older – wake up older.

 

 

He rolled his body off of me and sighed. Both of us had cummed but it hadn't been as great for me as it was for him. I didn't care for the guy at all. For a few minutes we just laid on his bed in silence. After a while, I sat up on the side of his bed – my head spinning.

 

Slept in my makeup – didn't get my teeth brushed.

I crashed on the couch and now my mouth tastes like yesterday's news.

I felt him sit up, too. "That was great, man. Fucking awesome."

I turned around and looked into his eyes. I was about to say thanks when I noticed something. In the dark, when I had first walked into his dorm, his eyes looked brown to me. Now, with the light of his lamp, I realized they weren't exactly brown - they were hazel.

"Look, uh, this was great, man, but I have to go."

"Oh. Uh, you sure?"

"Yeah," I looked around his room, avoiding his eyes. "I have shit to do tomorrow."

"Fine. No problem, dude. You don't want me to drive you home?"

"Nah, man." I felt myself shiver from the drugs or the booze or both. "I can walk for a bit."

"Ok, well if you ever want to do this again, hit me up, man."

"Yeah, I will," I said as I finished putting my clothes on. I found my keys on the floor and I turned to his door. He didn't bother to walk me out. I didn't bother to look back. I closed his door and began to stumble down the hall to the stairs. As I was walking towards the stairs I heard a group of guys talking and making their way up. It must have been 1 or 2 in the morning so they must be coming back to their dorms. Walking down the hall, I turned my head away so they couldn't see how fucked up I was. I was nearly to the stairs when I heard one of them tell his friends to go on without him.

"Alex? Alex is that you?"

I turned around to see a blonde-haired guy looking back at me. I knew I knew him but I couldn't place a name to his face.

"Alex, it's me, Jay. From El Vaso. What are you - " Jay looked back to the dorm room I came out of. "Oh." I guess he was smarter than he looked. "Listen, Alex, are you OK?"

"Yeah, man." I slurred. "I'm just heading home."

Before I could turn around, Jay grabbed my forearm and held me steady. "Uh, no you're not. You look fucked up."

I gave a small chuckle. "I'm a good actor then because I'm actually very fucked up."

Jay didn't find this as funny as I did. "You're really fucked up, Alex. You can't drive."

I sighed again, the floor spinning around me. "I – I was planning on walking."

Jay looked at me like I was out of my mind – which I was. "Uh, you live like 5 miles away."

"It's fine," I tried to convince him.

"No, it's not," he said. "And neither are you. Here." He began to pull me back down the hallway I just finished walking from.

"Jay, where are we – "

"I'm a resident advisor, Alex," he said guiding me down the hall. "I get paid to look over this floor of the dorms." We reached the dorm at the very end of the hall. "That means I get my very own dorm." He took out his key and opened the door. "It also means mine is bigger than the rest of the other one person dorms."

Jay helped me to his couch and told me to wait a bit.

I looked around his dorm but the pills and the alcohol were making it hard for me to focus on the exact details. Jay came back with a pillow and some sheets. He placed the pillow on one side of his couch. "Do you want to talk about what's going on, Alex?"

I looked at his pillow and thought about how comfortable it must feel. I looked at him again and shook my head.

"Ok, well, tomorrow is Sunday so I don't have anything to do. You're staying the night tonight but if you want to stay tomorrow, too, be my guest." He fluffed the pillow a bit and said, "Here, rest your head."

I did as I was told and felt him use his sheets to cover me. "If you want to talk tomorrow, you know where to find me, Alex."

I groggily nodded my head as I felt my eyes begin to shut from exhaustion. Before I completely passed out, I heard myself say something.

Jay mustn't have understood me so he asked me to repeat myself.

"I said, `These sheets smell like you, Jay.'"

"Oh," he said. "Sorry, they were the only clean ones I had."

"No," I said, feeling myself falling asleep as I spoke. "You smell good."

I passed out then.