Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2017 12:26:49 -0400
From: smithersleo@aol.co.uk
Subject: Coming out at university- submission 1

Coming out at university


Hello everyone. This is the first instalment of a university series,
following an 18 year old guy's experience of coming out at university and
finding his first romantic encounter. This chapter is to give you an idea
of how the rest of the series will go, obviously with more sex involved
in further chapters. I'll submit this first, and should it receive
positive feedback I will continue with it. Any thoughts- positive or
negative are welcome, even if it's just a message to say you're going to
continue reading it. This is more of a romantic story, not a quick story
you can enjoy.


This is it. Today is the day I finally leave my friends and family in
Glasgow and head off to university. It's a strange time for anyone in
this situation; everything you know, your habits and routines are about
to be ripped away and replaced with uncertainty. You're thrown into a
multi story flat with several people you've never met, all of whom are in
the identical situation.
If I've lost you already, in the UK we sit exams called A-levels, the
results of which determine whether we get into a university. Different
universities have different entry requirements and it's up to the
students to accurately predict their grades and subsequently which
universities they are likely to get into. Many students choose
universities closer to home, to be close to friends and family and have a
sense of familiarity with the city. It also ends up as the cheaper
option, as usually students who do this remain at home with their parents
instead of moving out. The alternate, which is what most people do,
myself included is to move into university accommodation, called 'halls'.
The university chooses who you live with, often up to 10 people living in
the same flat, and if you're lucky you'll have your own en-suite.

It so happened that I gained the grades needed to get into my university,
and that university is the most prestigious one in the country-
Cambridge. I won't lie, I'm an intelligent person. Not the kind of nerdy,
geeky intelligence that you'd spot from a mile off, it's a subtle
intelligence. I'm actually a very social and good looking guy- around six
foot tall, short dark hair and dimples to die for- so I've been told.

Anyway, as you'd expect, my parents were jubilant that I was accepted
into Cambridge, even throwing a very awkward party with family members
and friends. My own friends didn't give a shit. They had their own lives
to think about and quite rightly. It's safe to say they were a kind of
'utility' friends- I had a good time with them but I was never really
close to them.
Why, you ask? Well, nobody knows that I'm gay yet. I haven't developed
that kind of friendship with anyone to be able to tell them, and I know
as soon as I do I'd have to come out to everyone in time, something I'm
definitely not ready for. So, if you've already put two and two together,
yes I'm still a virgin, although my friends don't know this. I was out
one night with a big group of them in a nightclub in Glasgow, and ended
up looking after this guy who couldn't move on his own he'd drank so
much. I found him in the toilets of the club and without telling my
friends I left with him to help him get home- sharing a taxi and crashing
at his place. He turned out to be a nice guy when he woke up in the
morning, despite a stranger sleeping on his couch.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, all my friends saw was a dirty stop
out, and why not take advantage? I claimed I'd went home with a girl and
had sex, and just like that the social pressure of being a virgin had
disappeared.

So back to the original story, today was the day. Everything was packed,
I'd bought alcohol and food to share with my flatmates in Cambridge in an
attempt to make friends, and of course my mother was crying because I was
about to leave home. I have a strange relationship with her, but I'm sure
I'll have an opportunity to talk about her in the future. My dad and I
set off in the car, a long journey down the country filled with awkward
silences and filler questions- again I haven't got the best relationship
with my dad, I know he's proud of me but most of the time he's in his own
world and doesn't speak much, to me or to my mum and sister.

We arrived in Cambridge about seven hours later, and after going through
the formalities of registering and getting the keys to my flat, my dad
and I began to bring up my possessions up to my new home for the year. I
didn't see anyone in my flat upon the first trip to my room, but the
second time, after my dad had said goodbye and promptly left, a girl with
wavy blonde hair caught me opening my room door and asked if I needed any
help, a warming smile on her face, showing her dimples.

"Yeah sure, you can help me put everything away if you don't mind."

"Of course, I'm Jane by the way."

"Tristan." I replied, smiling back and gesturing that I couldn't shake
her hand because of the boxes I was carrying. I pushed open the heavy
fire door and Jane followed.

"Have you been here long?" I asked.

"Just a few hours, I think we're the only people in the flat moving in
today."

"We're the first?"

"Yeah, although most flats are filling up by now. There's a party down on
floor 2 later if you fancy it? If you're wanting a bit more company than
just the two of us"

"I don't mind, I'm sure I'd enjoy your company." I smiled, "but a party
does sound good, and a way to get to know the neighbors I suppose."

She helped unpack my stuff, we talked generally about where we were from,
what we were studying etc until we both decided to make some food to line
our stomachs before a night of drinking. Jane seemed really chilled the
whole time, she wasn't out to impress me or make out to be something she
wasn't, she was just a genuine person; I could tell we'd be friends. We
decided to share some of the alcohol I brought down with me whilst
cooking, and I was surprised at how well she took to drinking beer- I'd
rarely seen a girl drink a pint faster than me.

We ended up on the topic of romance when eating our dinner and for some
reason I felt the need to dodge a lot of the questions. She was asking
whether I'd come here looking for someone, whether I was expecting to
have a university life filled with sex and countless encounters with
random girls in clubs.

"I'm not really that kind of guy, sex for me is more than just a random
hookup."

She looked at me inquisitively, seemingly intrigued by my response. "So
you're not like most guys then?"

"Not really I suppose. What about you?"

"Have you not guessed yet then?" She smirked, before realising I had no
idea what she was talking about. "I'm a lesbian, or bisexual at least."

"How would I have guessed that?" I laughed.

"I don't know." She trailed, "I thought you'd have wondered why I haven't
tried to flirt with you yet, we're already a few drinks in and looking at
you, I reckon you're used to girls coming on to you whenever they're
alone with you."

I must have blushed when she said this, because she immediately added,
"it's true though, you're a good looking guy. You're going to have to
fend off a few tonight."

I'm not usually good with compliments so I simply smiled at her and said,
"I'm not looking for anything tonight... I just need to settle in. And
I'm sure you'll be in the same situation with both guys and girls."

"Oh please," she said, "Its a hard thing to come by, if you're gay and at
a party, to find someone you like and at the same time for that person to
be gay too." She paused, then added, "besides, I've got someone waiting
for me at home."

She looked down at her food with a faint smile, the kind of smile you get
when thinking about a comforting memory, or in her case, that special
someone.

"You really like her don't you?"

"She's alright." Jane joked, before standing up to start doing the
dishes.

The kitchen felt quiet and intimate, like a real friendship had formed
within it. The warm glow of the setting sun fell upon the room, like the
calm before the storm. We hadn't said a word in a few minutes, but it
wasn't an awkward silence, it was nice. I looked over at her and asked,

"What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"Having someone that close to you?... your girlfriend."

The faint smile reappeared. "It's kind of like, in a world where you
constantly lie, constantly create this character of confidence and
happiness, you can finally be who you want to be, to take off the mask
and find out who you really are."

"She brings out the best in you?"

"More than that.. she brings out the real me. We're all just actors,
showing the best side of ourselves and changing our behaviour depending
on who we're with. I don't have to act with her. She knows my
imperfections, what makes me angry, what makes me happy. My weird
obsessions and thoughts. She doesn't have to agree with them all, but she
listens to them, and I don't feel judged at all."

"Wow.." I replied, "you should write this down, or say this to her."

She paused for a moment and looked at me. "She knows... that's the beauty
of it."

We left the conversation on that note, and agreed to meet again in the
kitchen at around 8 o'clock once we were ready to go downstairs to the
party.

Alone in my room I began to think about what Jane had been talking about.
I'd never experienced what she felt, but I completely understood. I'd had
crushes in the past with people I knew I'd never be with, either because
they weren't gay or because I was too shy to ever come out as gay and say
something. At home I had the slight comfort of my family and friends to
keep me from getting lonely, and here at university I could tell I'd be
in the same position, just with different people. But what about after
that? What happens when I leave university and I have to find a job and
find my own place to live. Will I be alone then? Will I ever find anyone
who really understands me and will accept me regardless of what I think
or do?
..........

As agreed upon, Jane and I met in the kitchen at 8. She was wearing black
jeans and a white tank top. I noticed her belly button piercing and how
it didn't make her look tacky like it normally does with girls. She was
starting to feel the effects of alcohol a little more than when I last
saw her, as she was talking louder than before and was already starting
to slur some of her words.

"Oh my god we need to get a picture together for our first night here!"
She suggested, reaching for her iPhone and ushering me to take the
picture on the front screen since my arms were considerably longer than
hers. We took it, and after a few more minutes of talking, we set off
downstairs.

The party was well underway when we arrived, two beer pong tables were
set up, as well as shot roulette, a group in the corner playing spin the
bottle and several groups of people standing around chatting. It was
evident that the room was still divided, I'm guessing people were
sticking with the people they knew from their flats, which was
understandable given how nearly everyone seemed to be a bit nervous.

Jane was immediately approached by two other girls, one of whom had
already hooked up with a guy who seemed to be dragged along with her. In
any other situation this would be strange for me, but since everyone was
just trying to make friends it was pretty normal to be randomly
approached by people asking my name and where I was from etc. Both myself
and Jane were talking and joking on with this group, but I didn't feel
fully into it. My mind was still asking questions about what Jane had
said, and I found myself looking around the room for a way out, or an
excuse to stand outside for a few minutes. I told Jane I was off to find
the bathroom, and that I'd forgotten something from my room. She looked
at me hesitantly, probably sensing something was up, but assured me she'd
be fine by herself, and that she'd catch me again at some point in the
night.

I made my way through the flat and to the exit, but was stopped in my
tracks by a guy carrying two bottles of beer dancing with a big group of
people. He'd stepped backwards the moment I walked behind him,
accidentally spilling some of his beer on my shirt. He was slightly
smaller than me, but fuck me he was beautiful. Not handsome, not manly at
all but just beautiful. He had a small button nose, ice blue eyes and his
skin had a soft, tanned glow which was accentuated by his perfect set of
white teeth.

"Oh shit sorry man." He said, immediately trying to wipe away the wet
patch on my chest.

"Don't worry about it." I said, "I'm going back to my flat anyway."

"Aw man no you've just got here, haven't you?"

I nodded, so he added, "come on, this is my flat, my rooms just at the
end of the corridor. I've got a hairdryer that'll dry your shirt."

He already started to walk, signalling me to come with him so I followed.
From behind, he looked just as good, and I had the opportunity to look at
his body. His arms were equally as tanned, his legs looked toned, which I
could tell from his jeans which were tight enough to show their outline.
He turned around momentarily to see if I was still behind him, making me
notice his jawline and eyelashes which were fairly long for a guy.

We reached his room and walked inside, the heavy fire door closing behind
us. His room was tidy, not like you'd expect for a student but everything
had its place. There was a sweet smell in the air, a little like
aftershave.

He handed me one of the beers he was carrying and said, "I'll at least
give you the full bottle, since you've already got the other half on your
shirt."

We both laughed a little. I took the beer and said, "I'm Tristan, by the
way," offering my other hand to shake his.

"Luke." He said, his soft, tanned hand meeting with mine. "Where you
from?"

"Glasgow"

"You don't sound Scottish?" He said, looking slightly confused.

"Yeah my parents are both from down south, I didn't get the Scottish
accent thank god." I smiled.

We talked for a few minutes as he found his hairdryer and began blowing
my shirt, but the sound of it, as well as the ongoing party outside made
conversation pretty hard. In the midst of drying my shirt, I saw him
looking me up and down, which I only knew because I was doing the same.
Our eyes met momentarily before I quickly looked away at something behind
him. He laughed, probably sensing my awkwardness.

"You're nervous aren't you?" He asked.

"About uni or this party?"

"Both," he said, "and right now, with me"

I looked at him in the eyes again, and said, "Why would I be nervous?"

I mustn't have said it with much conviction, because he just smiled, and
asked if I could take my shirt off so he could dry it easier.
I hesitated for a moment but agreed, and sat on his bed so I didn't feel
as out of place standing in his room shirtless.
He looked at my chest and stomach, obviously noticing how well defined I
was.
He sat next to me on the bed, still drying my shirt.

"You play sport?" He asked, again looking at my stomach.

"Football.. I was part of this academy up until about a year ago, they
wanted me to try out professionally but I wasn't sure I could make it. I
thought university would be a safer option."

He nodded his head, seemingly impressed. He was sat facing me, his legs
crossed with the shirt in between us. He turned the hairdryer off and
handed me the shirt,

"It might still smell like beer but it's all I can do." He said before
handing it to me.

I put it back on, but the look on Luke's face seemed somewhat
disappointed. "So do you have a girl back home?" He asked.

I shook my head, before asking, "you?"

He smiled, let out a small laugh before reaching his hand up to my chin
and stroking  it. "I think you know I don't."


He moved in closer to me, those perfect eyes enticing me, not allowing me
to look away. My attention moved to his lips, the bottom slightly thicker
than the top, and a small freckle above the right side of his top lip.
His left hand came up again, this time touching my right cheek, and
moments later, our lips met.

Now, words can't truly describe how I felt at this moment. Of course, I'd
kissed people before, many times. It kind of comes hand in hand with
growing up as a teenager these days- you go to parties at other people's
houses from a young age, with close friends and those on the edge of the
friendship group. Usually a game of spin the bottle ignites hidden lust
between two people you'd never dream of putting together. Either that, or
someone gets drunk enough to express a simple compliment to anyone who'll
listen, and the two will go off into another room and kiss, or more. As
you get to age 17 or 18- 18 being the legal drinking age in the UK,
people make their way to the nearest city to try out the nightlife, and
if anyone reading this has ever been to a nightclub aimed at this age
range you'll know what it's like- a mating ground for horny teenagers
with fake IDs.

Anyway, as thousands of other fellow young people have done, I followed
this route. I had my first kiss on a Friday night in a park full of drunk
kids, being one of them myself. I must have been 13 or 14, but the
feeling of meaninglessly kissing that girl simply does not compare to the
moment I kissed Luke. My first kiss with a guy, and this one felt real.
I didn't really understand the hype around kissing. When I'd kissed a
girl in the past it was to maintain an image of the heterosexual guy that
everyone knew. I could tell the girls were into it but for me, I was just
waiting for it to be over. Harsh, I agree, I'm not proud of it.

But again, to bring this back to Luke, it was completely different. I
wanted to keep going, every ounce of suppressed emotion poured out into
this moment. But, I stopped. I pulled myself away from him and looked
down at the bed. I wasn't ready.

"What's up?.."

I stood up abruptly and finished off my beer.

"Nothing.. I've.. got to go. I'll see you around, erm, thanks for the
beer."

"But...wait, Tristan?"

I walked quickly out of the room and along the corridor to the stairwell.
I must have passed Jane along the way because I heard her shout as I was
walking up the stairs. I felt myself panicking, a wave of anger came over
me and I had no idea where it came from and how to stop it. I pretended
not to hear Jane and kept walking, eventually making it back to my room
where I shut the door behind me. I kicked off my shoes and sat on my bed,
the tears slowly appearing and running down my cheeks. What was I doing?
I didn't intend to come out as gay when I came here. I'd done this so
many times before- pretended to be straight and had a good time at a
party. I just wanted to fit in, and somehow I've ended up exposed
already. How did Luke guess so quickly?
Another wave of anger drowned every inch of my body, so much so that I
punched the bottle that I'd brought up with me, the glass shattering on
the bedside table and onto the floor, and my knuckles responding with
blood. I lay back on my bed, my right fist still shaking from the shock.

Moments later, I heard a knock on my door, followed by the sound of
someone trying to open it. I forgot to lock it on my way in, so seconds
later Jane entered hesitantly, before rushing to my side as soon as she
saw the blood.

"Tristan, what happened?" She said, kneeling beside my bed and picking up
loose chards of glass from the green carpet floor.
I sat up again, ushering her to stop picking the glass up.

"I'll sort that all out in the morning, don't worry about it."

"I don't care about the glass, what did you do?" She said softy, gently
taking my right hand and examining the damage I'd inflicted.

I didn't say anything, I just looked down at my fist, hoping to think of
some kind of explanation that wasn't the truth.

"Look, I want to help you. Whatever it is, we can get through it."

I looked up from my fist and into Jane's eyes. She seemed too good to be
true, why does she care so much considering I'd just met her? I remained
silent, but sensing this, Jane stood up and grabbed my other hand.

"Come on, there's a first aid kit in the kitchen. At least let me clean
your cut so it doesn't get any worse."

I did as she asked and followed her into the kitchen, stumbling a little
on the way from the effects of drinking. She must have been drunk too,
but I guess the shock of seeing me like that sobered her up pretty
quickly.
She grabbed the first aid kit and began picking out small pieces of glass
from my hand, before wiping it with antiseptic wipes.

This girl caught me as a mothering figure, this wasn't her first time
doing this. She was calm, and every so often looked up at me to see if I
was ready to talk, or so it seemed.
Could I trust her with my secret? If anyone were to be useful in this
situation it would be her- someone who already felt the strain that comes
with telling other people who you really are.

"Jane." I said, with a slight croaky tone.

She stopped what she was doing with the bandage, and looked up at me.

I continued, "I haven't been entirely honest with you."

She paused for a second, but said, "about what?"

I sighed, looking up at the ceiling, and again back down at her. "This
isn't going to be easy to say, and I don't want you to say anything to
anyone."

She looked confused, but nodded her head.

"What I was saying earlier, about not looking for anyone, because I'm not
that type of guy or whatever I said. It's not that."

I paused again, but this time it was because I could feel myself
panicking again, my eyes welling up.

"I'm gay, Jane. Nobody knows but that's the truth."

At this point the words were drowned out by tears, I didn't have to say
anything more as Jane stood up and hugged me. It must have lasted a few
minutes because by the time we stopped, I was able to talk again.

"But please, you can't say anything. I'm not ready for people to know.

She reassured me again with her soft, calming tone, "Tristan, telling
me.. you have no idea how brave that was."

I wiped away the tears from my cheeks as she continued.

"Firstly, don't worry about me saying anything. That's your call, not
mine, ok?"

I nodded.

"You know I'm here for you if you need help, but you've got to tell me,
what happened tonight to make you like this?"

"This guy..." I began, already calming down.
"My shirt got wet and this guy asked me back to his room to dry it off
and.. we kissed."

Jane's look of concern turned into a smile, "you've been out for less
than a minute and you've already got guys after you."

I couldn't help but laugh, but before I could respond she continued,
"You're worried he'll tell people?"

Then came a long pause. I shook my head, but couldn't quite believe what
I was about to say.
"I'm worried I've messed things up with him. He was perfect."

Jane smiled, came closer to me and hugged me again. We parted and she
said, "I don't think you'll have to worry about that. He'll be lucky to
have you."

"But I just left him there. No explanation, I just walked out. All I have
is his name."

"He'll understand, if he knows you've just came out. He would have been
in your shoes too."

I thought for a moment, then nodded. "I just hope he doesn't think I'm
weird."

Jane laughed and told me to pass her my hand again so she could finish
bandaging it up. We talked for a few more minutes before I suggested she
head back down to the party.

"Don't be silly, I'll stay with you tonight. It's the only night we have
just the two of us, let's have a movie night."

I agreed and so we stayed in our flat, watching two movies before falling
asleep on the couch.

END OF CHAPTER ONE