Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2017 09:15:58 -0400
From: smithersleo@aol.co.uk
Subject: Coming out at university- submission 4

Coming out at university- submission 4

Hello again. I know I start each of these chapters off with the same
message but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has emailed about the
story. It really helps to keep the motivation to write when I know there
are a lot of you out there from different parts of the world reading
it. With that in mind, if you need any clarification about something I've
written, don't hesitate to ask. I know the majority of the readers are US
based so I try to keep that in mind when writing.

Last thing- I'm going to start posting these on a weekly basis so I don't
completely burn out. To save you checking the website every day, I'll be
posting every Sunday from now.

Of course, please don't forget to donate to nifty if you have the
chance. The site relies upon donations to keep the content free!


Chapter 4


I know my focus should have been on the kiss, and of course I couldn't
fault how amazing it felt each time Luke and I shared such an intimate
moment, but I was thinking about Jay. How could I not? He was sat across
the table from us, all eyes on him as Luke and I kissed in front of his
very eyes. He was being humiliated, his plan seemingly backfiring as he
awkwardly looked away from us and down at his drink.

Suddenly, he stood up, causing myself and Luke to stop our embrace as a
kind of instinctual reaction, fearing Jay would turn violent as he picked
up his pint, downed the rest of it in one big gulp and walked out.

"Sooooo does that mean he's gay? He took a drink..." Tino said, breaking
the tension caused by Jay's swift exit. We laughed together as Luke
shuffled over to sit closer to me, reaching his arm around my waist and
resting it on my left leg.

"Aww you guys are so cute." Olivia said, bringing her hands up to her mouth
as Emily echoed her sentiment.

"What the fuck just happened?" Said Jane, leaning over to face me and Luke.

"Yeah that was... intense." I laughed, "thanks for backing me up there, you
too Luke."

Luke looked up at me, still smiling. I don't think he'd stopped since I
asked my 'never have I ever' question.

"That was amazing man, took some serious courage to come out and let him
know so bluntly."

"He's right." Tino interrupted, "mad respect for you T."

"Thanks guys." I said, "he was going to find out sooner or later, I'd
rather tell the truth. I don't want to hide and lie anymore."

"Still, took some balls." Said Tino, before turning to Jane and asking,
"are you really gay too or did you drink just to back him up?"

"I've got a girlfriend Tino." She said with a smile, which was met with
"ahh man, am I like, a minority here, again?" He said, causing us all to
laugh.

"I suppose we know he hates gays more than he hates black people." He
concluded, reassuring himself. "Oh shit, not that it's good he hates gay
people, just..."

"We get it Tino," Luke said, "besides, if he's got a problem, there's three
of us, just watch your back in the flat." He said as he sat up from my
shoulder and again looking into my eyes.

"We will, and there could be another... We're still waiting for the last
person to come in our flat." I said.

"He better not be hot, I don't want competition." Luke joked, before
finishing off his drink. "Who wants another?"

We stayed at the table for a while longer, before Luke suggested we head
out into town to check out the nightlife. We were all fairly drunk by this
point so we all agreed, finishing off our drinks and heading out to the
nearest bus stop. The night was humid. The sky was a faint blanket of stars
above an illuminated city campus.

Luke was slurring his words a little, as was Tino. They were joking
together ahead of me and Jane as we strolled slowly into the street.

"I like him, I really do." I said to Jane, my eyes following Luke's
movements in front of me.

"I know. It's more than obvious." She said with a smile, "And fuck Jay. If
he says anything, let me know."

"Should we not at least try and win him over?"

"That's a kindness we can't afford. He'll not take this well. Let him be
loud. We'll be louder." She said, linking her arm with mine.

There was already a bus waiting for us, so we got on and sat towards the
back. The journey was a short one but it gave me enough time to talk to
Luke some more, although he was becoming a little incomprehensible due to
the alcohol.

He was sat opposite me, but leaned in and said, "people like that, they
make us think we don't belong, think we should run from it, all while
hiding themselves. They're wrong. Our generation... they're on our side
now."

"Most of them.." I said.

"Exactly. That's all you need... My uncle," he began again, "my uncle came
out when he was young. His friends hated him. His own dad stopped walking
around shirtless in the house. How fucked up!" He exclaimed, "we've got it
easy."

I didn't say anything, just leaned back and stared out the window. I knew
deep down that I cared too much about what other people thought, and how
could I not? I'd spent years making sure it was hidden, meaning I'd heard
how my straight friends talked about gay people, as if they were a kind to
be mocked. I had a gay teacher once, a young guy who taught English for
about a year. As soon as he started at my school, he was teased by
students; comments were made both to his face and behind his back in small
circles of immature adolescents. In the end he couldn't handle it. He quit
after six months in the profession despite actually being a good teacher.
I didn't want that kind of hassle in my life, but I knew I couldn't carry
on living a lie. Living here, away from everything I'd once knew, I could
escape the lie. The true care that truth brings was already evident with
the small group of people I'd met. I now had people that saw me, the real
me. They weren't seeing the actor I left behind in Glasgow.

The bus pulled up outside of a club in the city. The girls had visited a
few months beforehand so knew where to go for a good night out. We queued
for a while, had our IDs inspected and went inside. The music was as you'd
expect in a nightclub, not suited to my taste but it was easy to dance
to. It was too loud to hear anyone in the group but we still stuck
together, forming a kind of circle, dancing, drinking, having a good
time. Luke again seemed like he belonged, he moved so well to the beat and
him and Tino were far better dancers than me. I found myself spending more
time admiring him than I spent doing my own thing, but I couldn't help it,
and neither could several girls around him it seemed. They'd congregated
behind him, pushing their way forward, with one of them 'accidentally'
bumping into him so he'd turn around and notice. He waved them away
politely, but they wouldn't give up, and neither would I if I were
them. I'll admit I was feeling a little jealous as yet another girl pushed
herself against him, fancying her own chances. This time he gestured to me
to come over to him, and when I stood next to him he turned around to the
girls and told them he was gay and he was with me.  The girls looked at him
suspiciously, before huddling together and eventually coming out with, "we
don't believe you." They said it in good spirits, they weren't being mean,
I think they just assumed he was trying to lie to them to get out of their
advances. Luke shrugged his shoulders at them, then turned towards me, his
hands reaching around my body and grabbing my butt cheeks, pulling his body
closer to mine and once again planting a deep kiss on my lips. I could
taste the drink he had, some kind of fizzy cocktail mix which left a sweet
flavour in my mouth. The girls held their hands up and gave us a look to
say they believed us, before shuffling away, through the pile of sweaty
teen bodies to find another victim.

I assumed we'd go back to dancing, but Luke held on to me as we danced
together, every now and again coming together to kiss. I was in ecstasy,
standing in front of me was a beautiful guy giving me all of his
attention. He was full of life, his cheeky smile a permanent feature on his
face, not a care in the world despite being in the middle of a large crowd
and kissing a guy, with onlookers either cheering or casting a sly
glance. His confidence was radiating off him and on to me. For a few
minutes I forgot about everything, my fears, my self control and my false,
self-imposed heterosexual identity.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me backwards and out of
Luke's grip. I almost fell over as I turned and saw one of the security
guards behind me, trying to say something as he kept hold of my arm and
tried to pull me out. Luke shouted something to him but I couldn't
understand. My ears were blocked or somehow affected by the loud music, but
Luke followed me out. I don't know where the rest of the group were at the
time, they must have split off as Luke and I were dancing together.

When we reached the exit, Luke was still shouting at the security guard,
and only now I could hear what he was saying.

"Why us? Why didn't you drag anyone else out for doing the exact same
thing?" He said, as I stood there oblivious to what the problem was.

"Just go kid, don't do anything you'll regret." The guard replied, assuming
his post at the entrance as another guard went inside to cover his place.

"No, you've got no fucking right." Luke continued, "pulling us out just
because we're gay and dancing together."

Only now I knew why I was dragged out. Some clubs have a strict policy on
'intimate dancing'. Basically meaning you can't be overtly sexual in clubs,
which was introduced to stop people doing sexual acts on the dance floor
(yes this happens...)  They never usually enforce it, it's a club policy
but the security guards don't usually care, although this guy in particular
seemed to have a problem with it... You can probably guess why. I'd known a
few occasions where these guards were obviously homophobic. Most of them
spend their days in a gym, pumped up with steroids and showing off their
'gains' to their gym buddies. They take issue with gay people at clubs,
sometimes rejecting them at the door and in our case, pulling them out and
justifying it with some unenforced policy. If you ask me, going to the gym
and taking steroids to show off to your 'bros' is kinda gay anyway.

Luke persisted, "where's the manager, or the owner? This is just because
we're gay," he shouted, drawing attention from others to the situation.

The guard pushed him away, suggesting we'd move on, but Luke stepped
forward again, "your manager?!" He said one final time before the guard
decided enough was enough and landed a hard punch to the side of Luke's
head, instantly knocking him to the floor.

"What the fuck!" I shouted, although not daring enough to say within arms
length of him.

Then, a group of people began shouting at the guard in protest, several of
them demanding to see the manager just as Luke had done. He was lying in
the floor, I kneeled next to him and propped his head up with my hand. He'd
been knocked out. I started calling his name, shaking him softly as his
eyes began to slowly open. "Luke?" I continued, "Can you hear me?"

He nodded slowly, before trying to move his arms to pull himself up. I
helped him sit up on the curb, as the group of people gained more momentum
with onlookers coming over to see what had happened. Seconds later, the
manager appeared, seemingly distraught with the guard who he told to go
upstairs to get his things and leave, and that he'd deal with him in the
morning.

"Is he alright?" the man asked me, before kneeling down himself to look at
Luke's face to see the damage done.

"In shock I'd imagine. He's had a lot to drink too." I replied.

"Listen, I'd prefer not to go through insurance on this. Can I offer you
cash and we'll skip all the usual formalities?"

I'd expect him to say this but I wasn't in the best position to
negotiate. It was Luke who was hit, and I'd been drinking myself.

"Look, I'll give you my number. Call me tomorrow and we'll work out how
much you're going to compensate."

He nodded hesitantly, before asking if we needed a ride home.

"That would be good."

I told him to bring his car to where we were, as I helped Luke stand up. I
knelt in front of him, my face inches from his. He still looked dazed, a
result of both the alcohol and the thunderous punch he'd just
taken. "Luke?... you're going to be fine, the manager's giving us a lift
back to the campus. If you heard that just nod your head"

He nodded slowly, which I assume made his head hurt even more as his eyes
squinted in pain and his hands came up to rub his temple.

The car pulled up moments later, so I took Luke's hands and pulled him up
slowly with the help of a concerned onlooker. I thanked them as they helped
me put him into the back seat of the car, before climbing in next to him. I
lay his head on my lap, gently stroking his hair as he seemed to fall
asleep on the seat.

"You best not let him sleep for a few hours yet, he's probably concussed."
Muttered the driver, probably more concerned about repercussions rather
than Luke's concussion.

Nevertheless, with that in mind I shook Luke's shoulder, which was met with
a groan. "Stay awake Luke, just talk to me. You might have a concussion."

"I'm fine.." he moaned, slurring his words.

"At least listen to me speak, and make a noise every few minutes so I know
you're awake. Okay?"

Another moan.

"What you did there... was it for me?"

"Uh huh."

"That ever happened before?"

"Noo.."

"It has to me... not for the same reason but when I was 17 I went to a club
in Glasgow. I used a fake ID and when the guard questioned it, asking for
my date of birth, I gave him the wrong date. The picture looked like me,
but it was my sisters friend's ID. It was my first time at a club and I was
so pissed off. My friends were all with too so it was embarrassing. Like
you, I asked to see the manager, but he didn't let me. Instead I was pushed
away, forcefully into a car, smashing the window... I actually had to pay
for the damages to the car."

This brought a muffled laugh from him as he moved his left arm slightly to
hold on to my leg.

I continued, "I suppose you can count yourself lucky that you're getting
paid for this."

He turned his head to look at me with a confused face.

"You mustn't have heard.. the manager, the guy driving us now, he's
offering cash to cover things."

"Mhhh how much?" He muttered again.

I looked at the manager who had been listening to the conversation. "How
much were you thinking?" I asked.

He thought for a moment, before saying, "how does £600 sound?"

Luke tried to sit up, so I helped him slowly position himself in an upright
position.  "Luke? £600? It's your call."

He held his head for a moment, trying to rid himself of the dizzying pain
caused by the motion of sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and said, with more
clarity in his words, "I want him gone."

"Who? The guard?" The manager asked, somewhat confused.

"Yep. This is about more than just money. That guy's a piece of shit and
needs to lose his job." Luke said assertively, letting the manager know he
wouldn't change his mind.

"I.. I can't he's.. been here for as long as I have. He's good at his
job.. usually."

I sat there as an onlooker, seeing such a determined look in Luke's eyes
was something knew, he was angry, and quite rightly so.

Luke began again, "I don't care. I don't want your money, it's not your
fault this happened. But it happens too often, because guys like him are
excused for doing shit that would normally get you arrested."

I pitched in, "either he goes, or we press charges. That can't be good for
business, can it?"

I reached over and held Luke's hand as we awaited his response. He was in a
difficult situation it seemed, but this is what Luke wanted, so I wanted it
too.

A long pause concluded with a sigh, "If that's what it takes.."

Not another word was spoken as we pulled up to our accommodation block. I
simply thanked him for the ride and told him to call me when the guard had
been let go. Luke was able to get out of the car himself this time, albeit
with a slight stumble.

When the car left, I looked at Luke and said, "stay in my room tonight. I
don't want to leave you alone, just in case."

"I'd like that." He said, as we headed inside and up the stairs, one
painful step at a time for Luke.

When we reached my flat, I looked at my watch. It was 1:20 in the morning,
so I guessed everyone else would still be out. I texted Jane quickly to
tell her we were back, and that I'd explain what happened in the morning. I
poured us both a glass of water, which Luke drank in almost one gulp.

He looked at me and said, "Tris, whenever I think, of you, and what we
could be... I miss out a lot of the details."

"What do you mean?"

He paused and ran his finger around the empty glass in front of him.

"I don't even know who you are... you've spent your entire life pretending
to be something you're not, you don't even know it yourself."

He was right. I didn't know who I was, what I wanted. My personality was
constantly changing, adapting to whoever I was with.

"Before you kissed me, in front of Jay.. you weren't the same person as I
see with me now..."

"Which do you prefer?" I asked.

"This one, of course... I... I don't want you to pretend anymore, there's
something special about you, and you don't even realise."

"I don't want to pretend either..." I said, "with you... it just feels
right. This is what I want."

"Promise me you'll be honest with yourself, and to me. I don't want you to
hide anything from me that you've kept hidden before."

I moved in closer to him, holding his hand again, as I'd done in the back
seat of the car.  I leaned in for a light kiss on his cheek, before saying,
"You've already set me free... the moment you spilled beer on my shirt at
that party."

He smiled, before adding, "you know that wasn't an accident?"

I looked at him with a confused expression before he continued, still with
a smile, "I was watching you for a while... I saw you come in with Jane and
thought you were together, but after a while I realised you weren't
flirting with her, and when you walked in my direction I had to do
something."

"You mean you poured beer on me on purpose?" I laughed.

"Why do you think I had two bottles in my hands?" He said as I pushed him
playfully, being careful not to be too aggressive.

"Well.. it worked." I said. "But... how did you know I was gay?" I
pondered.

"I didn't... I just hoped for the best." He said, bluntly.

I looked at him admirably, "what I'd do to have the confidence you have..."

Luke was about to respond, but was stopped in his tracks by the sound of a
closing bedroom door. Had the guys come back already? Or maybe the new guy
wanted to come and introduce himself, had he arrived as we were out. We
heard slow footsteps coming towards the kitchen, followed by the sound of a
deep cough. Eventually, the heavy fire door opened, slamming against the
doorstop. It was Jay.

END OF CHAPTER 4