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NOTE: This is a huge chapter, and I want to give you a heads up. Most people may not be able to read it all in one sitting. If you need to break it up, I recommend three arcs:
December at school
December at home pre-Christmas
December at home following Christmas

As a reminder, the previous chapter was told by Corey. His fathers got married just before Thanksgiving. Corey and Patty had just reconnected.

 

5 – December

Aiden

 

The last thing I expected when Corey came home from his date with Patty was for him to ask me to jack off.

"That isn't like you."

"Why so?"

"Um. You were on a date. Asking to jerk off with a guy seems out of sync."

"If I'm being honest, I was pretty horny by the end."

"What happened? Details."

"Nothing really to tell. I expected a simple kiss. Which turned into two. Which turned into two minutes of kissing. And ... I was ... getting ..."

"Hard?"

"Yeah."

"Aw, and you thought of me."

Corey punched me in the shoulder. "Hardly."

I roared with laughter.

"But ... Aiden, I was glad that I was feeling all normal and-"

"Normal how?"

"Normal for straight guys. I was ... I mean ... I was hard. I've been so weirded out that I'm still a virgin and have a small dick and ... I felt like I was feeling what I was supposed to feel."

"Okay. Good." I wasn't sure what to say to Corey's outlook.

"But obviously going any further would have been wrong on a first date, so we both kind of pulled back."

"Not to mention, where would you have had sex?"

"It's not that, but ... well, yeah, you're right ... but it wasn't the where, it was the whoa. I wanted to slow down. I think we both would have felt it a mistake if we rushed into it."

"My little boy is growing up."

"Bite me, Aiden."

"It's going to be okay," I said. And I gave him a quick yet reassuring kiss.

"Thanks. I was just kind of sort of ... hoping to sort of ... well, get off."

"We can, but now it's my turn to be honest. I took care of myself two hours ago."

"Really?"

"Hey, I had privacy. Why waste it?"

"Dang. Never mind."

"I'm willing to do it. Or watch."

"No. I don't like the watching stuff."

"Corey, I look at you when we jerk off together. I've held your dick."

"I just would feel weird to be ... a show."

"Then I'll do it with you."

"You can?"

"I've been hard since you used the word hard and let me know you wanted to jack off." He smiled sheepishly. "Strip, roommate."

He kicked off his shoes. We both unbuckled our belts. For some reason, it was incredibly arousing to undress to masturbate. We had always fooled around only after we had undressed for bed. Our jeans dropped to the floor, and we pulled ourselves out of them. My boner was clearly evident in my shorts. It would have no problem with a second act this evening. I couldn't tell if Corey was there or not.

I stepped over and turned out the lights. My name art kept the room at a light glimmer. Corey had pulled off his socks while I had worked the lights.

Corey crossed his arms to grab his shirt by the shoulders. "Let me," I said. Corey looked at me. He didn't say "Okay" or "No thanks" or "Don't go there" or "Sure." He just looked at me. My fingers grabbed the bottom of his shirt. As I lifted it up over his torso, my thumbs felt the skin of his chest and the soft feel of the light chest hair that Corey's body had grown. I pulled the shirt over his head, which cocked to one side to work its way out of it.

As I reached down to grab my own shirt, I could see his briefs starting to stretch. Good.

"Ready?" I asked. He nodded.

We both removed our underwear and stood before each other naked. Hard. Not smiling but not expressionless either. The slightest grin on our lips conveyed so much. It was an act we were comfortable with but one that was enjoyable without any romance. In that moment, I did hope love was involved, whatever type it may have been.

"Your bed or mine?" I asked.

He tilted his head toward his bed. We squeezed into it side by side. The narrow width only gave us an inch between our bodies.

"Tell me more about your date."

He talked about dinner, but during the description, he groped his cock. I followed with mine.

"What does she look like?"

He told me how he liked her hair. It was long and dark brown, which matched her eyes. She said she didn't wear heavy makeup; just enough to make her look beautiful but not fake. With each description, he increased the speed of his strokes on his cock. I matched his rhythm.

"I think her breasts are pretty."

"Fair enough."

He jerked a little harder.

"Wait, you didn't SEE her boobs did you?"

He laughed. "No, just ... you know, in her shirt." He laughed again. "We walked the mall. There was a small lounge area near the food court. We sat down on a couch and talked a bit. She reached for my hand. We held hands and kept getting closer and closer. I leaned into kiss her. And we kept doing it. Kissing. After a couple of minutes, it was really strong."

I removed my hand from my cock and nudged Corey's fingers off his. My grip on his shaft sent vibrations through my own abandoned hard-on.

"Did you like kissing her?"

"Totally," he said, putting his arms behind his head as I stroked his erection. Corey seemed so comfortable with being serviced. "She's a great kisser, and I wondered if anyone was watching us. Which made it hotter."

"Nice," I whispered.

"It was getting a bit heavy, and I think both of us knew it. We sort of pulled back, and she put her hands on my chest. I don't think it was in a sensual way. I got the impression it said, `We should slow down.' It was like this."

Corey gently pressed on my chest. His touch demonstrated her act. The fingers didn't roam. But his touch was electric to me. My heart crackled with electricity.

"Grab mine," I softly requested.

His hand slid down my chest, through my bush and gripped my dick.

I breathed out heavily. Corey's hand on my cock was the greatest feeling in the entire cosmos.

"I think both of us would have been tempted to take it further if we had been in some place private, like a house," he continued.

He jerked me harder. I followed with my grip on his cock. I moaned quietly.

"She grabbed my hand and lifted me off the couch. We began walking back to my car, holding hands."

I jerked on him more fiercely. He matched my aggressive strokes.

"I wondered if she could tell if there was a bulge in my jeans."

"Oh man," I moaned. "Harder, Corey."

We stopped the conversation. We groped and stroked and felt and jerked. And moaned.

"I want to do something," I breathed to him.

"What?" he said within his panting.

"Sit up."

He looked confused, but he let go of my cock and sat up.

"Now straddle my legs."

He got on his knees and straddled my legs. I moved him closer a few inches. Then I sat up. We were face to face. I reached for his cock. He reached again for mine. I leaned forward and put my chin on his shoulder. Both our arms worked the other's erection, while our free arms wrapped around the shoulder to hold us in place.

"This is nice," I softly whispered into his ear.

"Yeah," he breathed.

We stroked.

We jerked.

"Mmmngh," he grunted into my ear.

"Ohhh," I softly moaned.

"Yeah," he said.

"Unnngh," I groaned as he stimulated me harder.

We both panted loudly, completely giving our bodies over to the act of gratification. I had touched Corey's dick before, but us holding each other, feeling the warmth of our skin increase — this was new. This was hotter than I could have imagined. His skin underneath my arm was a firestorm of arousal. The warmth of his flesh touching mine ... flammable.

"Harder," I pleaded. "I'm almost there," I whispered directly into his ear.

And within those seconds, I could fill my orgasm build. I pressed my mouth into his ear.

"Corey," I whimpered.

And I came. My jerking on his cock stopped as my own organ spurt new cum for the second time in one evening.

"Don't stop," I panted.

He jerked me until I felt his head lift up, seeing that my balls had nothing left to offer.

We breathed heavily next to each other for a moment.

I flopped back down on my back but continued to grope his cock.

"How close are you?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm getting there."

"Take over," I said. He grabbed his own dick again. "Come on me."

"You sure?"

"I want you to."

He began to jerk his own rod in rapid fashion.

"Did you touch her hair?"

"Yeah," he panted.

"Did you touch her face?"

"Yeah," he panted, with his strokes seeming almost violent as he towered above me.

"Did you want to touch her tits?"

"Yeahhhhh," he moaned.

"Did you want her to feel your hard cock?"

"Yes!"

Corey's dick exploded on me.

"Ungh ... unghhh ... UNGHH ... ungh ... unghhh ... Oh ... ohhh ... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

I was covered. And I thought it felt amazing.

We looked at each other. A smile crossed his face. "Thanks for doing that for me."

"You're my best friend," I said in a sarcastic way. "And you're hot as fuck."

"Don't cuss," he said, dragging his body off me.

I heard him get a washcloth damp. He walked back to me. I loved seeing him wipe off his own dick. Then he wiped my chest down.

"Quite a load," I said.

"It had been a while. I wanted this."

My body lurched as the way he wiped his cum off me made it ticklish for a moment. "Thanks for including me."

I moved back so that we could inspect the bed. Most of my cum was on us, but there was a spot or two on his sheets that dripped between my legs.

"Luckily I came earlier tonight."

Before he stepped away, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back on the bed with me.

"What?"

"I just want to hold you a moment." He wriggled up to me to where I was the big spoon. My arm wrapped around him. "Thanks for sharing your date details."

"Thanks for listening," he said.

We held each other for about five minutes. Nothing was said. We were content to be close. Although it made me feel different than most guys here at Notre Dame, I also felt lucky. What friends could be this close? Our bond was something special.

I knew we had stayed long enough, and I pushed him from the bed. We brushed our teeth and put on our underwear to walk down the hall to pee.

 

—

I blew out my candle. Corey had just sung "Happy birthday" so beautifully that the waiter paused to listen. A couple of tables near us clapped.

"Bring him a spoon too, please," I said.

Both of us attacked the Death by Chocolate cake, paired nicely with the appropriate scoop of ice cream.

"This has been nice," I said. "Thank you."

"It's just dinner out, but I'm glad I could do something for you," Corey said.

"It's perfect. Thank you."

Could one expect anything less from the perfect guy?

Guy. I paused with my fork hovering in the air. I didn't use words like boy or man to describe us. Why was that? I had turned 19. When does the "man" part begin? 21? Legally we could be arrested, have sex without consequences and buy a gun. But not beer or cigarettes. Nor could we gamble, but we could join the military. It was a weird age. I'm not sure 20 would be any better, but it sounded older not being a teenager.

"Hello?" Corey said, breaking my trance.

I took another bite.

"Do you feel like a man?" I asked.

"... uh ... over feeling like a woman??"

"No, you diphead. Over being a boy?"

"I don't know. What are you thinking specifically?"

"We're both 19. Some things are legal, some things aren't. Do you ever wonder if there is a ... moment ... when it all seems like you are officially an adult?"

"We can go to jail like an adult."

"Right, but I don't plan on committing any crimes."

Corey laughed. "It's an interesting question. We shave, we have hair on our chests now, you have sex. Those all seem like parts of a transition. I don't know, Aiden. I'm not sure if there is a bright light when it all changes."

"I'm glad we are doing this all together."

 

—

 

Tuesday dinner was the biggest we had ever done. Emanuel, Brady, Josh, Sam, Ace and Geoff all joined us. Eight wasn't enormous, but it was a lot to cook for. Corey made lasagna. I created a salad. Josh brought garlic bread. Emanuel brought dessert. The rest contributed cash to Corey and Emmanuel.

Our first semester was ending soon. Dinner conversation was almost entirely about classes and tests and grades. No one feared failing, but everyone had one class they were worried about. Except Corey. He was confident in his grades. He didn't brag; in fact, he almost felt sheepishly guilty for not struggling in a class. He didn't say that, but I knew my roommate well enough to know that it almost bothered him. As amazing as he was, somehow Corey didn't believe it — or didn't believe he was worthy of being amazing.

Thankfully, there were enough laughs throughout dinner talk that it wasn't too heavy. That made it fun. Not to mention, the food was outstanding. Once again, residents popped their heads in to see what was going on and if there was a waiting list to be invited. Josh thought Dunne Hall was pretty cool.

"It was nice to be included again," Brady told me. "Thanks."

Among us, there were three gay men. Ace didn't seem bothered with that. Emmanuel and Sam were fine with it too. I wasn't sure about Geoff. There was something different about him tonight. I hoped he didn't have a problem with other LGBT people being with us. He had always been supportive before, so I wondered if something else was bothering him. Maybe he was failing a class, and he was too embarrassed to say anything.

"It was nice, wasn't it," I told Brady. "We're lucky to be friends with Corey."

"I'll say."

"Want to go out Thursday night?"

Brady looked blank. "Out." His head tilted. "As in ... just out ... or ... a date?"

"Would a date be okay?"

"Yes!!" he shouted, then was embarrassed by his outburst. He smiled and nodded at me.

"Great."

"But ... you don't have to pay or anything. I can still pay my own way."

I chuckled. "That's fine."

"What'd you have in mind?"

"Well, I'm still trying to be practical. I could do either a movie or a dinner out. Which would you prefer?"

"I can always eat in the caf'. Let's do a movie."

"Sounds good."

Corey had brewed a pot of coffee for after dinner. This is not something we had done before. Corey liked coffee. I thought it was okay. I didn't hate it.

"Ace has something special," Corey said.

Everyone looked his way. He held a finger to his lips.

"It's Bailey's Irish Cream."

"I don't think we have to hide that. It's fairly mild stuff."

"Technically, still alcohol. I don't want others to see," Ace said. It was odd; I never would have thought that Ace would have cared what anyone else might see. Or perhaps he didn't want others to ask for some. That was probably it.

"I thought we would have coffee and then have dessert in a little bit," Corey informed.

"This is like a real dinner party," Josh said.

We moved to couches. People still walked by us. We just waved.

With only a couple of weeks left before winter break, everyone started talking about finals while sipping their coffee. Although I wasn't a big coffee drinker, I had to admit the Bailey's had made it much more to my liking.

Slater walked by. He noticed us. He waved. No one acknowledged it. His expression immediately looked forlorn. Everyone looked at me. Brady grabbed my arm. There was a second of tension. Slater felt it. His shoulders slumped. I was the only one who waved back. He began to step away.

"Forrest? We're about to have dessert. Would you like some?" I asked.

The others all looked at me; they shifted their weight. It was awkward for them.

"Um. I don't want to intrude," he answered.

I knew everyone else was hoping he would walk away. How hellish that must be for everyone to think that about you.

"I'd like you to join us," I said.

"Uh. Sure," Corey said.

Forrest walked in so slowly, one would have felt he was walking to the guillotine.

Emanuel got up to grab his dessert. He reached in a drawer for a knife to cut it. "It's a cranberry apple pie."

"That doesn't sound Spanish," Geoff said.

"Does EVERYTHING I contribute have to be Spanish?" he mocked.

"No. No. I'm sorry," Geoff said. Geoff got up to hug Emanuel. We all chuckled. "Sorry."

"This sounded Christmas-y. It's December. Sorry, but without a freezer in the room, I don't have ice cream. Hopefully whipped cream will be okay."

"Sounds fine," several people said.

It was a large pie. Costco size. We knew he didn't bake it, but he had warmed it a little in the hall kitchen. Once it had cooled for a minute, he began cutting slices.

Emanuel handed out slices once Corey had topped them with cream. Everyone enthusiastically said, "Thank you."

"Gonna have to work out an extra hour tomorrah between this and dinner," Ace said.

Emanuel hesitantly walked up to Forrest with a plate. "Here you are," he said, almost emotionless.

"Thank you," Slater said sincerely and stepped back a couple of feet.

After receiving my slice, I leaned against the back of the couch next to him.

"This is great, Manny," I said.

"Whoa. Am I Manny now?" Emanuel smiled.

"Is that okay?"

"Wow. Sure. No one at college has given me a nickname before."

"Did anyone call you that back home?" Sam asked.

"My grandparents. Mother always called me Emanuel. Whether I was receiving praise or in trouble."

"So, what was your nickname?" Geoff asked.

Emanuel sighed. "Jicama."

"Jicama??" a few people echoed.

"It's – it's a – a vegetable. It is kind of ... round."

"Oh," I said.

"I got the name at a young age. Unfortunately, it stuck. I don't think anyone meant it to be mean. Usually it was said sweetly, but ... yeah. I've kind of been fat my whole life."

"You're not fat," Geoff said.

"I know I am. You don't have to be nice."

"Haven't you lost a few pounds in the last month?" Corey asked.

"Maybe. I don't know. I imagine they all came back tonight."

We all laughed. Slater cracked a smile.

After finishing, I collected my plate and Slater's, carrying them to the counter. "Thank you," he lightly said.

Everyone complimented Emanuel on his dessert choice.

Suddenly, everyone turned. Slater was at the sink running dish water and slipping the dessert plates into the suds. Everyone looked at each other in surprise.

"Man! I need to walk these calories off!" Sam said.

"If you all want to go for a walk, I can finish cleaning up," Slater said. "I can wrap up the last of the lasagna."

"Slater, you don't have to clean up," Corey said.

"I don't mind," he said, looking into the crackling suds. "You all go walk. I'm fine."

"Would – would you like some lasagna?" Corey stumbled.

"No. I had dinner. The dessert was great though."

I walked up to him. "You sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks for including me."

I hugged Slater from behind. "Thank you, Forrest. See you later."

Outside, we began our walk.

"What the hell!? How can you be so fucking nice to him?" Sam asked me, waving his arms.

"Don't cuss," Corey mouthed, but since it wasn't me, he didn't say it out loud.

"Okay. Yeah. He was a prick to me. He was an ass. But ... he's apologized. He made a mistake, but the hall has treated him like a leper."

"'Cuz he deserves it!" Ace said.

"Everyone needs forgiveness. Don't that teach us that in mass?"

The group was silent. For a split moment, I felt like a priest. Well, I'd never feel like a priest; a preacher.

"You're kind of amazing," Brady said, reaching for my hand.

"Yes. He is," Corey followed.

"Whatever."

"A couple people walked by and saw you two leaning against the couch. I think they were impressed," Josh said.

"I hope others treat him better."

"That's the nicest thing," Geoff said.

I waved everybody off. We started talking about Christmas.

Back in the hall, we ducked our heads into the kitchen. All the dishes had been cleaned, dried and stacked. Looking inside the fridge, the two remaining slices of lasagna were wrapped up and the leftover pie was covered. Corey put the dishes where they belonged.

 

—

 

I couldn't tell if I reached for his hand or if Brady reached for mine, but it was nice holding hands in the movie. Tonight was going to be a simple date. I wasn't expecting it to go far enough into sex. But I'm sure we'd kiss.

I didn't know how I felt about Brady. He was nice. He wasn't my typical "type," if I had one. Corey was way cuter, Donny was more attractive to me, and he didn't have any of the masculine features that Roy did, but ... Brady was nice.

More than anything, I thought he had come a long way from when we met a couple of months ago. He was so nervous then, but going on a date with a guy — and holding hands — had to be steps in the direction he was hoping to go during his college life.

Corey hadn't seen us, but I saw Patty and him come into the theater after we sat down. They were two rows ahead of us over to the left. He had moved his arm around her. She leaned into him. I smiled as I looked in their direction. Almost like Brady, Corey had been so nervous about dating. I didn't expect his date to make it as far as sex either, but he had confided the previous date had gotten pretty hot just from their kissing.

Would I be happy for him if they did it? I knew for sure I had not a single iota of jealousy toward Patty. Corey and I were best friends but not boyfriends. I wanted him to find the person that was right for him. We were roommates, so it wasn't like a girlfriend would take him completely away. I'd still see him every night. I hoped the two of them worked out. Still, I couldn't help but envy her. I'd love his arm around me.

I squeezed Brady's hand. He was my date. Not Corey.

Back on campus, both Brady and I admitted the movie was sillier than we had expected. It was enjoyable enough, but it hadn't lived up to our expectations.

"How-EVER," Brady said. "I will say that holding hands with a boy in a movie was sort of a milestone for me."

"Nice."

"You think I'm a dweeb, don't you?"

"What? Why would I think that?"

"Because holding hands is so junior high. You have so much more experience."

"Brady, I'm not going to judge anyone for where they are in their level of experience. Not everyone is the same, nor should they be."

"Thanks."

As nice as it sounded for me to say that, there was a hint of truth to what he said. I didn't think of him as a dweeb, but I did wonder if I wanted to date someone who felt like holding hands was huge. Were Brady and I even a potential fit?

The temperature was a few degrees above freezing. We were both cold, but we wanted to continue to walk.

"Think we'll get snow before Christmas?" he asked.

"I haven't looked. I wouldn't mind. As long as the drive home after finals isn't bad."

"Do you look forward to Christmas?"

"To be honest, I have to admit that I do. The house looks more festive. I spend more time with my parents and relatives. It is just a ... warmer time. In our house, at least. I don't care about gifts or anything. Not that much, at least."

"Hmm. We go all-out. My family has matching pajamas we change into on Christmas Eve. We open half the gifts that night and then the rest Christmas morning. When we were little, Santa used to bring the ones on Christmas morning, but we still continued to split it up even though all of us are ... well, beyond the `Santa years.'"

Brady squeezed my hand tighter. We both wanted to put our hands in our pockets because it was so cold, but holding hands was special for him.

"You've made some good steps since we met."

"What does that mean?"

"I mean you are seen on campus holding hands with another guy. You've grown."

"Only because of you."

"You think, huh?" I said smiling at him.

I saw a tree nearby. I backed Brady into it. We looked each other in the eyes. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

"Was that okay?" I asked.

He smiled. "Totally."

I kissed him again.

He smiled bigger.

"Would it still be okay if people saw us?"

"I guess."

"Good. Because people did."

Brady whirled. "Huh?"

"Just a couple of girls walking by. I saw them give me a thumbs up."

"Wow."

For a couple of minutes, my body leaned into his, pressing it into the bark of the tree. We kissed.

"It's been a nice night. Thanks for spending it with me," I said.

"Oh. Thank you, Aiden. It was great. Well, the movie wasn't superb, but everything else was."

I reached down to rub the back of my hand across his fly. I felt him hard below the denim.

"Good," I said.

I smiled and grabbed his hand to lead us back to Dunne.

Before we went inside, Brady pulled me aside. "Is it okay if we kiss goodnight here and not inside?"

"Sure." I gave him a simple kiss.

"I ... I just don't want anyone to tell my roommate."

"Okay."

I was fairly sure that Brady and I weren't a match, but I wasn't ready to just cut him off either. I didn't want to be a mentor. I wanted to be a boyfriend. But perhaps things would work out.

 

—

 

It was 11:45. I had been in the room for more than an hour. Corey wasn't back. I had nodded off, but the lights were still on and caused me to wake up.

Corey wasn't back! They were doing it! They were having sex somewhere!

I turned out the lights and went to bed thinking about him fucking someone.

I fell back asleep, but as quiet as Corey was trying to be, the rustling of his coat was loud enough to stir me awake.

"Hey there, you dog."

"Dog?" he said in the darkness.

"Tell me everything! Where did you do it? Did you like it? Did she like it? Tell me!"

Corey turned on his lamp.

"Aiden, we didn't have sex."

"Where have you been?"

"I've been with Patty. We ... we were kissing in my car, yes."

"Go on."

"Like last time, it got kind of hot. She actually slipped her hand inside my shirt. I felt her fingers sift through my chest hair."

That caused my penis to move.

"Go on."

"My hand felt her hair, then I moved it down to her shoulder. Then ..."

"Go on."

"I touched her breast."

"You did!!"

"Shh. I didn't grope it or anything, but ... yeah, my hand was on it."

"Go on."

"I was so hard, Aiden."

And I was hard.

"What happened?"

"She pushed me away."

"Oh."

"I was glad."

"Why???"

"It was too far. I mean ... yeah, I was hard and ... all that. But, deep down, I wasn't sure if I wanted Patty to be my first."

"Why? What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure. We were going too fast. I didn't want to think about sex after just two dates. It should mean something. And ... yeah, I know it is my mother inside my head, but maybe I will wait until I'm married ... maybe not. But ... had we done it, I would have regretted it."

"I get that." I paused. "So where have you been?"

"Well, then there's that."

"What?"

"She got super emotional. She felt bad for pushing me back and spent several minutes assuring me that it wasn't me. She said she thought I was handsome-"

"Because you are."

"And ... and ... she kind of became a mess."

"How so?"

"When we met on Halloween ... remember the whole virgin situation? She still wasn't sure if she thought it was the right time, but ... we kind of just started moving fast. She was worried and scared and embarrassed and ... a mess."

"Oh."

"We took a moment and prayed about it."

"You PRAYED on your date??!"

"For a minute. It – it was good for us. Please don't make it sound so lame."

Who was I to tell people what to do on a date? Or live their life? Corey was my soulmate. I'd do anything for him, and he would do anything for me. I should never question his judgement. He's so intelligent. And underneath his nineteen-year-old skin is the smartest guy I know but one who still is insecure in many ways.

"Hey. That's fine. That came out wrong. Everyone has their own timing."

"And then she tells me she has an older sister back home who has just had some diagnosis ... early stages of cancer-"

"So young," I said sincerely.

"Yeah. They've caught it, and she is staying home with her parents for a while. But Patty felt guilty for making out with me when her sister is going through all that."

"Everyone has to live their own life. You can't just stop yours just because something is happening to someone else."

"Agreed. I tried to say that delicately. We just talked for a while. Time got away from us."

I heard Corey go to the sink to brush his teeth. He must have peed before coming back to the room because he didn't leave. He stripped to his underwear and crawled in his sheets.

It was quiet a moment.

"Want to jack off?" I asked in the darkness.

"Nah. Doesn't seem like the thing to do after praying and everything."

I laughed.

It was quiet a moment.

"Want a blowjob?"

"NO!! Honestly!" Corey blew out a "Pfff!" of air. "Good NIGHT, Aiden."

It was quiet a moment. Even without looking at him, I knew both of us were staring straight up into the darkness.

"Aiden, do you think bad of me for holding back ... for, you know, not having sex?"

"No. There is a part of me that wishes you would have fucked her brains out-"

"WHY??" Corey asked and laughed at the same time.

"Because you deserve it. You've been worried about all that. I just wish you'd do it, to prove it to yourself that you're awesome. But ... I also know you. I really know you. And you would have hated yourself for letting it happen. You would have regretted it and moped around for days."

"Hm. Probably."

"You know what's best for you. Not me."

"Do I? I still feel lost at times."

"Everyone does."

I got out of bed and walked over to his. Leaning down, I said, "It's okay." I kissed him. It was more than a peck. No. 41.

I walked back to my bed.

"Thanks," he softly said.

"I love you, Corey," I told the darkness.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"I love you, too, Aiden."

I rolled over to face the wall.

I did want my friend to be able to enjoy sex. But if he wasn't ready, I didn't want him to make a mistake. We were different in that regard. But I didn't look down on him about anything. He was my soulmate — my straight, unfortunate soulmate. I loved him more than anyone in the world. I realized that now. It was a lot on my shoulders to figure out those feelings and sort them into the proper compartments to where I didn't make it romantic or sexual or ... weird.

We were weird enough. What friends on campus told each other they loved them? Corey and I were solid. We were there for each other. If I was down, he would kiss me to let me know it was okay. And that was weird. But I loved it. The fact that he let me kiss him tonight — and thanked me! — was weird. And wonderful. And better than any other friends on campus. I was sure of it.

We were weird in the most fantastic way.

 

—

 

"You guys wanna join me for dinner?" Ace asked, ducking his head into our room.

"Corey's working at the CCE tonight. But I can. Can you let me finish this paper? I'll be over in about ten minutes."

I wrapped up the final paragraphs for my last assignment of the class. With Corey's help, I no longer hated Writing. I couldn't say I loved it, but it wasn't so bad. I was kind of proud of a few pieces I had written. Not everything was great, but the professor clearly stated at the beginning of the course that we weren't there to write literary masterpieces; we were learning the foundations.

I knocked on Ace's and Geoff's door and he called me in.

"Ready," I said. "Thanks for giving me a few minutes." I looked around. "Where's Geoff?"

Ace shook his head. "No idea."

That seemed off, but at the same time, it is not like any roommate was in charge of the other's schedule.

"Kinda worried about `im," Ace said, looking down.

"Oh? Why is that?"

"He don't seem himself."

My Writing class immediately homed in on Ace's grammar, but that was beside the point.

"Explain."

"He seems different lately."

"How so?"

"Quiet. Almost dark. I came to the room the other day. He was watching porn and-"

"How do you know?"

"I opened the door. He jumped. He barely had enough time to pull up his pants, but I could hear the moaning on his tablet. He scrambled to shut it off. He left the room a minute later. Prob'ly embarrassed. I don't blame any dude for watching it. It ... just didn't seem like Geoff."

"I can see why you feel that way. I never got that vibe from him. Everyone is entitled to a personal life though."

"Yeah. He's just so quiet lately."

"Hm. You're a good friend for being concerned."

"I guess. Maybe. We are nothing like you and Corey."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you kiddin'? You're the closest friends I've ever seen. You really care about each other." Ace paused. "You guys aren't really a couple, are ya?"

I chuckled. "No. I'd love that, but alas, Corey is straight. We're just best friends. Yeah. We are close. He means the world to me."

"It's nice. You guys are lucky to have that kind of friendship."

I thought about that. We were. I was so grateful for Corey. We weren't a couple though. Although we hug. And kiss. And my hand had been on his dick a few times. Were we a couple?? No. No, we weren't. He's straight; I'm gay. He's just ... perfect. And he's the perfect friend. My soulmate. My platonic (almost) soulmate.

 

—

 

Finals week was so much pressure. Brady and I had met up for lunch here or dinner there, but we hadn't had another date. I felt guilty for not asking for a second one, but we both were feeling the weight of finals. We'd sneak an occasional kiss in when we could. I didn't think either of us felt we were committed boyfriends or anything. We were friends who had gone on a date, simply that.

"When was the last time I told you how impressed by you I am?" Corey said, watching me from his desk.

"Huh?" I said, looking up from my textbook.

"I knew you were my best friend early in our high school senior year, but ... we've gone through a semester together now, and ... I think you're pretty amazing."

"And I think you are on drugs."

He threw a paper wad at me.

"I'm serious. You've worked hard. I've watched you. I was talking to Steve yesterday. His roommate is expecting to fail one course and had to drop another one earlier this semester. But you have only become more dedicated. I'm proud of you."

I closed my book and sat up.

"I have to bear down on studying. It – it doesn't come to me as easily as you, Cor'. You're so naturally brilliant — not that you aren't trying in your classes. I get that. You are. But ... I'm not as smart as you. I want my father to-"

I stopped. I found it odd that I was about to say, "be proud of me." Back in August, I didn't really care about what my parents thought of me. I just wanted to be on my own. Now I was out to them and handling things on my own. I did want them to be proud. When did I start to give a damn about my parents??

"Aiden? You okay?"

"Hm? Yeah, yeah. When we came here at the beginning of the semester, my father said, `I know you will make us proud.'" I looked at Corey. "Back then, I was just ... whatever. But now, I – I want him to be proud."

"Every kid should want their parents to be proud."

"I guess. I think more of it is I want to prove it to myself. And don't think I have forgotten your help this semester. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. But you did the hard work. I just guided you here and there."

"You'd be a good teacher," I told my best friend.

"We've been at this for a bit. Want to get ice cream? My treat?"

"Sold."

Fifteen minutes later, I was sucking way too hard to get the thick ice cream of my milkshake to come up through the straw. Giving up, I took off the lid and used a spoon for a few minutes.

"It's hard to believe Christmas will be in a couple of weeks," Corey said.

"Do you have to buy presents for a lot of people?"

"Just my parents. Well, the four of them. We've let the other relatives sort of take care of themselves. Mom and Dad buy for their parents. It's from `all of us.' I have no idea what to get anybody. I haven't really thought about it. I'll just get hints when I get home."

"I only buy for my parents. Dad buys something for me to give Mom, and I pay him back."

"How touching," Corey said sarcastically.

"Have you met us?"

We laughed and took another spoonful of our shake.

"Thanks for this," I said.

"My pleasure."

We enjoyed a moment of silent, frozen, malted bliss.

"Are you excited for the break? You know, to go back home?"

"I guess," Corey said. "Taking a break from studying will be the big thing. That'll be nice. But ... in some small way, this is sort of home too."

"I totally get that," I said, stirring chocolaty cream. "Being done with tests will be nice, but I think I'll miss everybody when we get back home." I paused. "I'll miss you."

"We'll be in the same town!!"

"You'll be with your family, and I'll be stuck with Mr. and Mrs. Yawnsville."

"Your parents are fine."

"They're okay. Things are better over the holidays. A little. Being with other relatives helps. We all actually talk about things. It will be nice to tell them about school."

"What will you tell them?"

"Lots of things ... our room, my classes, Dunne Hall ... Prism ND; I'll tell them I'm out."

"Ooo. How do you think that will go over?"

"I'm not sure. My grandparents will be great. My uncle — Dad's brother — will have a hard time. I've always felt a homophobic vibe from him."

"Man. I hope not."

"It is what it is. He likes me okay. If all that changes, then fuck him."

"Don't cuss."

"When are you going to give up on that?"

"When you stop cussing."

I threw a wadded-up napkin at Corey. I put the lid back on and investigated if the milkshake had melted enough to make it through the straw.

"I will tell them I have the best roommate in the world," I said, circling back to our conversation.

"No, you don't. I do."

I turned to him and smiled. Then I attempted another strong suck on my straw and managed to get some liquid to come up through it.

"I'm happy, Corey."

"What do you mean?"

"This past semester ... I've never been happier."

"Even with Roy ... and Slater ... and Donny ... and all that?"

"They don't matter. And Slater turned out okay."

"Because you are amazing for forgiving him."

"Everyone deserves forgiveness."

"Have you thought about becoming a preacher?" Corey joked.

"A preacher who likes to suck dick? Oh, wait. That's a priest."

"Aiden Dressel!!! Shame on you!"

I cackled. I laughed so hard I choked on the dairy phlegm in my throat.

Before turning out the light, we had studied another hour, drilled some questions we thought would be on our last final, peed, brushed our teeth, set an alarm and hugged for the 97th time.

"Thanks for the milkshake," I said during our hug in the near-darkness.

"Thanks for being the best roommate."

After crawling in my bed, I was surprised I had a hard-on. I groped it in the darkness. I let go of it after a minute. I needed sleep.

One good thing about being at home at Christmas was the ease of jacking off every night if I wanted. I was fortunate enough here at college to find time ... usually. Corey and I did it a few times together. I figured he would do it as much as he could at home too. If I had his dads in the same house, I would walk around with a constant boner.

Thinking of those men made me hard again. I reached for my cock. I rubbed it. I felt it. I pulled on it. I didn't think I was making any noise below my sheet. I turned to look at Corey's body in bed. We only had a night light so that we could make it around the room in the middle of the night, but my eyes could see his fist beating his dick under his sheet.

I pulled down my sheet. I slipped my underwear a foot down my legs and began masturbating. Corey did the same. Neither of us said a word. There was just enough of a grunt when he came to let me know he finished. I could tell he was rubbing a finger through his cum. That was all it took. I shot up to my neck.

"Man," I breathed.

Corey had a dry washcloth near his bed. He reached for it and wiped down his chest. I watched. He threw me the rag. I wiped down my chest and neck. I tossed the cloth to the center of the floor, knowing it would be crunchy in the morning. I hoped I was the one who would pick it up. We pulled up our underwear. Neither of said a single word. We each turned to the wall and fell asleep within minutes.

 

—

 

"I did great!!" I exclaimed as Corey got back to the room.

"What?"

"My last test. I know I killed it."

"That's awesome."

"Whenever we get our grades, I think I will have at least a 3.2. It might be a little higher, but I don't want to be overly optimistic."

"Nice job."

We had one day of school left. Corey and I were going to help at the CCE on Saturday morning and then drive home.

Brady texted to see if we could go out tomorrow night. I agreed.

Corey and I packed the last of our summer clothes into a box to trade out for still more warmer clothing.

"I wish we could share the drive home," I said to my roommate.

"Yeah. Me too."

"If I get bored over the break, can I call you?"

"Of course. You're going to call me anyway," he grinned.

"True."

Soon, we noticed it was time for dinner.

I grabbed my jacket for the walk to the dining hall. "I'm going to go out with Brady tomorrow."

"Okay. I will probably see Patty too."

I saw him grab his phone. He made a date with her.

Everyone in the dining hall was in a great mood. All our friends were there. Except Geoff. Ace said he was more worried than ever. I texted Geoff to see if he was on his way. He didn't answer.

"What's going on with him?" Corey asked.

"No one knows," Ace answered.

"I do," Sam said. Our group of friends turned to him. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I can't say anything."

"What the hell, Sam?!"

"I promised. He's ... he's okay. I think. Just working through stuff."

"Can we help?"

"Highly doubtful." Sam took a bite of apple pie. "The break should do him good."

Well, that made me more worried than ever.

 

—

 

"I'm glad we could go out one last time ... this year," Brady said.

I chuckled. "Yep. When school starts back, it will be a new year."

"I might come out to my family," Brady said, unwrapping his chicken sandwich.

"Whoa! Big step."

"Yeah. Actually, maybe my sister. She's graduated from college. She has to be cool about it."

"I hope."

"Maybe if that goes well ... Mom and Dad. We'll see. I don't know."

"Why the decision to do it over the holidays?"

"Ever since I admitted it to ... someone! ... you! ... I have felt better. I hate hiding it. I hate hiding anything. I've known for a few years, and now ... I'm sick of hiding."

"Well, you have come a LONG way, sir."

"Because of you."

"Please, don't idolize me. I was just encouraging."

"aiden, you have been so helpful. You were just the person I needed."

That scared me. I didn't need Brady to feel that deeply. I hoped he wasn't falling for me. I liked the mild dating, but I knew I wouldn't be serious about Brady as a boyfriend. We were in different places. We were really just good friends. Friends who kissed. Friends who made out on dates. Friends who might...

Hm. How could I expect him to be clear on what I felt when I wasn't sure I could explain it myself? We weren't exactly boyfriends.

"I'm just trying to be a good friend. I'm glad it helped. Will you come to the PrismND events next year?"

"Yes. For sure. I'm ready to go every time. You prompting me to duck my head in the first time made me realize it wasn't that scary."

"No one bites."

He laughed. Then he let out a huge sigh. "It's nice to be me."

"Did you have any high school crushes?"

"Oh yeah. Probably four or five. I mean, nothing ever happened. Mr. Closet here. But I was head over heels for the trombone player in the band."

"You played?"

"Trumpet."

"And here I was hoping for tuba."

Brady laughed loudly. "No, not me."

"Did you ever pick up any ... vibe, any signals from anybody?"

"About being gay? I'm not sure. Sometimes I would think their mannerisms said `yes,' but other times their words said `no.' I just didn't know how to tell. Heaven knows I was way too scared to bring it up."

"And your Trombone Crush?"

"I wish. On occasion, we'd share a glance here or there. I just thought it was him being ... nice, friendly. You know, that kind of smile. Maybe it made me dream."

Brady and I continued to reminisce about high school. I told him about prom and the dance-floor kiss. He thought Corey's support was the sweetest thing — because it was. It reminded me to call Scott when we all got back home.

We stopped for a peppermint shake following dinner. We found a neighborhood that had some elaborate Christmas light displays and drove through it. One street was a dead end and we parked at the tail of it where there were no houses, just a small turnabout.

Brady made a loud gurgling noise sucking the final bit of creamy minty-ness through his straw. We giggled. I was almost done, but I put mine in the cupholder in the door.

I leaned over to kiss him. We weren't kissing passionately, but it was honest and sincere. Just lips. It went on for a minute.

My hand reached down to his crotch in search of a hard bulge. The quest was successful.

"May I give you something for Christmas?" I whispered into his ear.

He pulled back. "If what I think you mean is correct, then ... yeah."

We smiled.

My hand fumbled with getting the belt buckle loose, but soon it was spread open. I unfastened his jeans and unzipped them. I didn't rush. I just gently rubbed the back of my fingers against rigid anatomy confided in his briefs. I heard him inhale at the sensation of my touch. I kissed him some more, as I gently turned my hand to let my fingers trace the contour of his erection. The fabric seemed so strained. My lips pressed harder when my middle finger slipped below the waistband. His hard flesh was being touched ever so slightly. He took his mouth off mine and rested his forehead against my forehead.

"Aiden," he breathed.

My hand went underneath the waistband and felt the entirety of his cock.

"Lean the seat back," I said.

He did.

"Pull your pants down," I said.

He did.

"Would you like a blowjob?"

He did. His head nodded vigorously.

My mouth, wet and warm, flowed down the length of his cock, my hot breath countering the chill of the night air. I opened my throat and engulfed it all.

"Holy shit! Oh, Aiden. Fuck, man. Yeah."

It was slow, tender, affectionate. Sucking. Licking. Sucking. Swallowing. Stimulating. Sucking. I felt his dick jump in my mouth as I slowly bobbed up and down. Slowly. Sucking. Swallowing. He pushed his jeans down past his knees and opened his legs wider. I sucked. Swallowed. Licked. Consumed.

"Aiden. Man. Oh yeah. Man."

My hand gripped the base of his cock; my mouth licked the head. I stroked his hard flesh and lubricated it with my saliva. Brady's breathing got heavier.

"Oh man oh man oh man oh man."

I liked the size of his cock. It was just over five inches if my lips measured correctly. It was perfect for swallowing. But it felt so firm, like a polish sausage, but the texture wasn't smooth. There was enough ripple and ridge to the skin to give it masculine character.

My thumb and forefinger stroked the base harder. I sucked harder. I bobbed harder.

"ooooooooOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! Aiden!!!"

I had him there. I had brought him off. I plunged down on his shaft as he exploded into my mouth.

"Fuck oh man. Fuck oh man. Oh Oh UNGH. Ungh. Ungh. Ungh.Ungh. Ooooooo000h."

Brady's body mass melted into the upholstery of my car seat.

My mouth was still on his cock. In slow motion, my face rose and fell on his staff, continuing to suck any last drop of cum that might escape.

I took my mouth off and licked down the shaft until I licked his balls.

"Merry Christmas, Brady," I said as I kissed his balls.

"Holy flying cats. Merry Christmas to me indeed."

I leaned up to kiss him.

"Was I supposed to tell you I was coming? I wasn't sure how it was supposed to work."

I smiled. "I could tell. I wasn't surprised."

"Can I do you?" he asked while he pulled up his clothing.

"I would enjoy that, yes."

I leaned my seat back, even though the driver's side didn't recline as much. I started to reach down to open my jeans and pull my dick out, but then I thought he might like to do it.

He did.

Brady mauled my crotch trying to free my organ. He scrambled with the fly. I was unbuttoned and unzipped. I pushed my jeans down. He pulled my cock from my briefs, which were slightly wet from me leaking when giving him a blowjob.

"Wow. You're bigger than me."

"A little, maybe. I like how your cock feels."

"You do? Thanks. I guess. How should a cock feel?"

"It doesn't have to feel any certain way. Cocks are cocks. Just like people are, they are all different."

"How many have you felt?"

I laughed. "Not a lot! I just read things online my senior year. I guess every kid — gay or straight — has questions."

"I was always afraid that my parents would find something on my computer. Not that they ever looked."

"That you know of."

"I think they allowed me privacy. But maybe it is responsible for parents to check. I like my parents."

It seemed like everyone did but me. I didn't dislike my parents. I didn't know how I felt about them. I just ... knew them.

I pulled down all my clothes by a foot. Even though it wasn't necessary, I lifted my sweater partway up my chest. I loved being exposed to another guy.

Brady gripped my dick, but his other hand went up my sweater to feel my chest.

"You're hot, Aiden."

Hm. I had never thought of myself as hot. I was just hoping for more than "cute." I was hoping people thought I was handsome, but being around Corey all the time, he was the one who was truly good-looking.

Brady began to lean down to suck me when headlights moved toward us.

"Shit!!" he screamed. "What do we do?"

I pulled up my pants as quickly as possible.

When I leaned upright, the car had already moved into a driveway two houses down. Its passengers got out and went inside.

We giggled.

"I guess we should head back."

"Aww. But you didn't get ... you know."

"My gift to you was my reward."

Thirty minutes later, Brady and I kissed goodnight. "Please let me return the favor when we get back from the break," he whispered in my ear.

"Sounds nice. Have a good Christmas."

When I got back to my own room, Corey was already there.

"How was your date?"

"Fine," he said flatly.

"JUST fine??"

"Just."

I sat next to him. My eyebrows indicated he was to tell me more.

"We had a nice time. We were with other friends. It turned into more of group thing."

"And you wanted more of a ... touchy-feely thing."

"Maybe. I guess. Probably. I mean it was fun. It just wasn't as romantic. We kissed and said Merry Christmas and all that. But ... yeah. We were never really alone."

"You guys didn't do presents, did you?"

"Nah. I think we both thought it was too soon for all that. In front of others would have been awkward too." He paused. "Do you think she was expecting one?? Dang. Did I mess up?"

"I doubt it. She didn't give you one either."

"Right. Right." He breathed. "Dating in college is more complex. I really don't know what I'm doing, Aiden."

A quick kiss, No. 43, let him know it would be okay.

 

—

 

We showered after working at the CCE. Dunne Hall was very quiet. Most people had gone home. It was so empty we walked back to our room naked, although we had our towels in front of us, draped over our shoulders. We both kind of smiled at that, although not a single person saw us. I let my dick completely hang out the last fifteen feet — just because I could.

We had loaded the cars the night before. Having eaten a bite at the CCE before our shift ended, there was nothing left to do but drive home.

Before leaving the room, I wondered if it would seem silly if I wanted a hug. Corey hated "mushy" things. Or so he said. I think he liked it deep down. While I got lost in my own thoughts of initiating a hug, his arms wrapped around me. I stood upright and squeezed him tightly.

"This has been a great semester," I said in our hug. No. 98.

"It has. I've loved it. I wouldn't have enjoyed college as much without you."

"Aw. Thanks."

I would have told him I loved him, but I didn't want to push it. We held each other longer than most people would. I loved that Corey could be affectionate.

"I'll miss seeing you every day," I said.

"Holler at me over the break. We can get together whenever we want."

 

—

 

The drive home was strange. My mind was back and forth, all over the place. I was excited not to have to study for ... ANYTHING ... for a few weeks. I hated that I wouldn't see Corey every day. I was excited for Christmas Day with all the relatives. I hated that I wouldn't spend time with our college friends. I was excited that I didn't have to decide what to do for meals for a while. I hated that I felt lonely. I used to be okay being alone. It was ... "me." Now I like being around friends. I was excited to have more space in my own bedroom.

"Why are you being so weird?" I mumbled to myself. "You're so stupid."

I found a Christmas music station to put me in the right frame of mind.

A few hours later, I walked into our house. It was dark outside, so I smiled seeing all the Christmas lights in place. Dad always paid a service to hang them each year. Mom enjoyed doing the inside. Everything looked fancy and tasteful.

After a semester of seeing college dorm rooms, it made me realize how clean our house always was. Even though she worked part-time and had her volunteer work, Mom kept the house looking nice. On occasion, business associates would stop by, so we never let the house get very cluttered. They taught me that early on. Maybe that was why it was easy for Corey and me to have a nicer room than some guys. I never felt the need to "rebel" against my upbringing in that way, especially seeing how Ace and Geoff let their room get a total funk to it.

Mom smiled seeing me walk into the kitchen. She was preparing dinner. She walked over to hug me. I hugged her back, but I knew Corey's hug was significantly better.

"Welcome home," she smiled.

"Thanks. Merry Christmas."

"I'm making a pot roast for your return home. Your father will be home in about 20 minutes."

Dinner was excellent. My mother had done a good job with the meal. She had made a banana pie, my favorite. My father said it looked like I had grown taller over the semester. I wasn't sure, but he could have been right. Corey and I both were over six feet, if I assumed correctly. Change happens so slowly. I was confident I had more chest hair than I did before school started. My legs were hairier too. I liked that.

Following dinner, my father told me what I "had got my mother" for Christmas. I paid him back. I pulled my mother aside asking her for hints on what to get my father. She had a great idea, and I planned on going out Monday to buy it while he was at work.

We didn't stay up late. It was relaxing to be at home. However, I wasn't sure I could just relax for weeks. Not by myself. I needed ... the guys. I needed Corey. I needed ... my life.

It surprised me how much bigger my room seemed now than when I actually grew up in it. There was just ... space. Space for me.

After brushing my teeth, I turned out the lights and crawled in the sheets of my bed. My big bed. My huge bed. My massive bed.

The streetlights shining through the curtain gave just enough light to see most of my room.

I turned on my side to face Corey. He wasn't there. There was no bed. There was no desk. There was no soulmate. No unfortunately straight soulmate.

 

—

 

I made it two and a half days without texting Corey.

I had bought the gift for my father that my mother had suggested. I had flipped through a couple of magazines I had saved. I watched several hours of shows streaming on television. Our family only had Netflix and not numerous services, but I openly watched all the gay content. I was alone, so that wasn't necessarily brave, but I had never pulled up those shows and movies before. I enjoyed them.

But after a couple of days by myself, I realized I had become attached to Notre Dame. I was sort of a loner in my junior high and high school years. Had I found myself?

Those thoughts were far too deep to dive into. I was enjoying not studying but not enjoying being away from everyone.

"Whatcha doin?" I texted Corey.

He didn't reply right away. I scrolled through the Netflix menu again. My phone made a notification sound of a text message.

"Sorry. Had to wash my hands. Making cookies with Mom."

Of course, they were. That was so them.

"Nice."

When my mother came home, I asked her what the holiday plans were. She explained Christmas Eve would be at Dad's brother's house. He only lived forty minutes away, so that wasn't an overnight affair. We would get up Christmas morning and open gifts, and then drive to see Mom's family for lunch. We'd stay overnight there. The rest of Mom's relatives lived close by, so our family would be the only one staying at my grandparents' house. After lunch the next day, we'd drive back home.

The question remained as to if I would come out to everyone.

"Are we making anything?" I asked.

"Making? As in food to take?" my mother responded.

"Yes."

"We haven't been asked to at your father's family, but I like to show up with something, so I thought I'd make a dessert."

"Can I help?"

"You want to help cook?"

"Is that okay?"

My mother was a bit flummoxed. I had never asked to help make anything before.

"Well, sure. I suppose." I saw a smile form on the corner of her lips, even though she was looking at the stove. "That would be nice."

 

—

 

Perhaps the release of any pressure whatsoever allowed me to slip back into my "loner" phase after several days. I slept late. I binged television. I was content. However, when I thought of someone at school, I noticed my heart beat a little faster. It seemed to come to life. I knew my identity was there.

"Do you miss school?"

"Some." Corey texted back.

Neither of us responded for a few minutes.

"I miss you." As soon as I hit send, I regretted it. Corey would call me mushy.

"I was thinking the same thing."

I chuckled at his response, and then allowed my heart to soar. I was missed.

Forget texting. I called.

"Hey. Want to get together? Or do you have family stuff?"

"Do you have any interest in playing games tonight?"

"Games?"

"Board games. Having a fourth player would be good."

"Like Candy Land?"

"Jeez, Aiden. A little older than that! We might play Pictionary or Clue or Qwirkle. Or cards."

"Oh."

How odd that I had so little experience with board games. Being an only child, my toys growing up were more about self-play. We didn't really play much as a family.

"Um. Sure. Okay. I may not be good at any of those."

"It's just simple fun."

Fifteen minutes later, my mother got home. I said I would join the Perkes that evening. She mentioned making the dessert we had talked about. We asked my father to pick up dinner so we could concentrate on making a pie.

My mother surprised me by wanting to make her own pie crust.

"Don't they sell these in the store? You just roll them out."

"They do, but I prefer to make it from scratch."

"What can I do?"

"Are you willing to slice apples?"

I nodded.

My mother got out a device I hadn't really noticed before, probably because I didn't know what it was. She showed me how to shove it over the apple to make it core and slice the fruit. It was a simple gadget. I was intrigued by it. My parents had never really showed me how to cook anything. I was able to heat stuff up during my high school years, but I never "created" anything. Corey had pretty much taught me everything I knew about cooking.

Watching my mother roll out pie crust was interesting. She watched me slice the apples.

"I like to use Granny Smith apples because they are so tart and firm," she said.

She had me look at the list of ingredients and measure the light brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and lemon juice. She showed me what "zest" was. Interesting. She asked me to stir while she trimmed the edge of the crust.

"Mother," I started. "How would you feel if I came out to the relatives over the holiday?"

"Oh?" She fiddled with crust for a long stretch without saying anything. "I'm not sure. Part of me doesn't want to disrupt anything." She stopped and let go of everything. She turned to me. "But if this is something you need to do ... or want to do, I'll be fine with it. I don't want you to think I don't support you, because I do."

I smiled at her. "Thanks, Mom." I gave her a hug as she spooned the filling into the bottom crust. She smiled.

"Just approach it delicately."

"Meaning?"

"I just ask that you not make it a show. I don't think you are preparing some spectacle, are you?"

"Hardly. I just want to be honest."

"Your Uncle Harlan will be the most ... challenging."

"I figured."

I watched her cut crust in strips to make it a lattice pie. It was mesmerizing. The interwoven pattern reminded me of the background of "The Journey." I took a couple of minutes to tell her about the art above Corey's bed. I pulled out my phone to show her.

"Well, that's ... interesting. It's kind of hard to tell on just a phone."

"I love being in it. But Corey can swap out who he wants to be in it with him."

"Are you ... are you two seeing each other?"

"We aren't a couple, Mom. We're just best friends. Speaking of which, he invited me over to play games with his family tonight."

"Those men?"

"No. Not those men. He is staying with his mother and her husband before Christmas. He will move over to his dad's place after Christmas."

"How challenging it must be for children in that situation."

I wasn't sure of my mother's exact meaning, but I felt it had more to do with his parents being divorced than one of them being gay.

The last strip of crust was placed, and my mother sealed all the edges.

"That looks amazing. I'm impressed."

"Christmas is a special time," she said, opening the oven. She slid the pie inside and set a timer. "Thank you for helping me."

I kissed her on the cheek. "Happy to."

It was the nicest moment I had shared with my mother in years.

 

—

 

Mr. Perkes answered the door. He wished me a Merry Christmas.

"Corey's in his room with his mom," he added.

I thanked him.

As I walked down the hall, I heard the two of them singing. I wasn't aware that he had brought his keyboard home for the holidays.

As I walked into the room, they smiled as they finished the last lyrics to "All I Want for Christmas Is You." I could never picture such a scene in my own home. It made me smile to see the two of them happy. I knew Corey thought his mother was on the stricter side, but I could feel a loving relationship in their voices as the final notes were sung.

"Hi, Aiden," Mrs. Perkes said.

"Merry Christmas," I replied. "Sorry to interrupt the singing."

"We were just killing time until you got here," Corey said.

"Even though that song is old, I still like it," I said.

"Ahh, I remember when it came out," she said. "I was just a schoolgirl, but I thought Mariah Carey was so beautiful."

"Were there cars then?" Corey joked.

He was quickly smacked with a pillow from his bed. The three of us burst into laughter.

 

—

 

"Professor Plum in the library with the rope," I inquired.

Mr. Perkes showed me the rope. I had only figured out who the killer was. I didn't have the weapon or room figured out yet.

Two minutes later, Corey's mother had the mystery solved. The men groaned that they were "so close."

"That was fun. I've never played Clue before."

"Really?" Mr. Perkes said, astonished. "I thought everyone played this growing up."

"We didn't play many games as a family. Checkers from time to time."

Mrs. Perkes came out with a tray of cookies.

"The snickerdoodles are the best," said Corey. "We had fun making them the other day."

"I wish we had made some more," she said. "After taking some to the church and Daryl's office, they are almost gone. This is it."

"Aiden and I can make some more tomorrow if you want to take some to Grandma and Grandpa's," my roommate said.

"We can?" I responded in surprise.

"Sure. It's easy. Want to stay over?"

I immediately did. I immediately wanted to sleep in his room and make cookies and spend the night and be with Corey.

"His family may want to spend time with him, Corey," Mrs. Perkes said.

"It's fine," I immediately interjected. "I helped Mom make a pie today. We don't leave for our relatives until 2:00. We could bake in the morning." I chewed on a cookie. "Mmm. I like these."

After a fun game of Pictionary, where I once again lost, this time to Corey and his stepfather, I thanked his mother for being a good player, regardless. We had laughed a lot. As it was after 10, we began to wind down for the evening.

My parents texted that it was fine that I stayed over as long as I was home by noon. Corey's family gave me a new toothbrush, so even though I wasn't expecting to stay, I would be fine.

Five minutes after brushing my teeth, we crawled into bed.

Ten minutes after brushing my teeth, we were both hard. And naked.

Fifteen minutes after brushing my teeth, neither of us had touched each other in the bed that seemed so big after being at college, but I was about to come.

Sixteen minutes, I came. I was quiet.

Nineteen minutes, Corey gasped as the last spurt of cum escaped his dick. I slid my hand through his liquid medium and fingerpainted my cock with it. I sighed feeling his cum up and down my softening organ.

"You're such a perv," he joked. He then reached into his nightstand and pulled out a hand towel. He hadn't touched me at all in bed, but he leaned over to wipe my chest. He wasn't going to fondle my dick, so he let the towel rest on my chest for me to handle that part. I then handed it to him, still enjoying seeing his cum on his chest. The drips in his chest hair almost made me hard again.

He surprised me by walking to the hall bathroom naked to get a wet cloth.

"That was brave," I said, when he got back.

"They're in bed. It's dark." He was still rubbing his bush with the wet cloth. He took the hand towel to dry himself off. He handed me both.

He picked up his underwear, and then he shrugged, letting them fall to the floor. I didn't let on that I was thrilled at being naked in his bed.

He turned out the light and we both said, "Good night."

As we lay in the darkness, he asked, "Has being at home been as boring as you feared?"

"It's okay. My parents are fine. I enjoyed my time with my mother today."

"Good."

I was surprised when Corey rolled over next to me and put his arm around me. I turned to spoon into him. He had no idea that feeling the tip of his penis against my ass made me hard as granite again in no time. I was so glad I slept over.

 

—

 

"Thank you so much," I said, picking up the tray of cookies to take with me.

"Thank you, Aiden," Corey's mom said. "You two were so efficient that both our families will have some now."

"Notice that the kitchen is totally clean too," Corey said.

"Yes, yes. I did notice. Thank you. You boys were wonderful while I did my final errands."

I hugged her. I then hugged Corey. No. 99. Or did it not count if we weren't at school? Of course, it did. A hug was a hug. Somehow, I wanted the 100th hug to be special. But what? How? Why? Then I realized I didn't need to complicate things that didn't need to be complicated.

"Merry Christmas, everybody."

"Merry Christmas, Aiden," they said.

Ten minutes later, my mother was shocked to see me walk in with a tray of cookies.

"We can take them tomorrow. You have a pie for tonight."

She snatched a Rice Krispie treat from underneath the plastic wrap. "Mmm," she said, once her teeth sunk into the light, crispy, gooiness.

 

—

 

I enjoyed my father's side of the family. Uncle Harlan could be a bit opinionated. He seemed to like me, but his politics weren't a secret. I wouldn't necessarily call him a bigot, but you could tell there were underlying feelings below the surface. He wasn't vocal about it. Aunt Bernice was like a fairy godmother. She was probably the most loving person on that side of the family. My cousins, Rachel and Todd, were a few years older than me. One had just graduated college last spring, the other was a junior. My grandmother liked me. Our family seemed more fun when we were together with relatives. I looked forward to those moments.

As we pulled up to my uncle's and aunt's house, I made the decision to be very open about who I was. I wasn't ducking any gay questions. I didn't plan to have a Sexuality Exposé, but I wasn't going to hide it either.

When we arrived, it was just my aunt and uncle. There was no sign of Grandma Dressel, nor my cousins. We were told they were getting a bag of ice and some ice cream. We hadn't been in the door thirty seconds before they walked in behind us.

My parents received a hug from my grandmother. Uncle Harlan shook my father's hand but hugged Mom. I received a handshake too. I think my hug from Grandma was the biggest. I liked her. It's funny that she was so super affectionate, but the only memory of my grandfather from so many years ago was that he never touched anybody in any way.

As expected, I got the usual "Look how tall you are" comments and with facial hair growing in, I knew I had to look much older to them. Even though we didn't live far, the relatives didn't get together much. We'd come up Mother's Day weekend — as the relatives flew Grandma in — and Easter, but that was about it.

"Well, don't you look all collegiate and everything," Rachel said, walking up to me with arms outstretched.

"I don't look that different," I said in the hug with my cousin.

"You actually look kind of sexy," she whispered into my ear.

I chuckled. "Whatever."

Todd offered a one-arm hug. After putting two cartons of ice cream away, Aunt Bernice gave me a going-off-to-war, boa constrictor vice grip. I really liked her. I even gave her a kiss on the cheek. I hadn't done that in the past. Since going to college — since being with Corey — I felt more assured in doing so. Funny. I hadn't realized I had changed, but I felt like more of an adult in the smallest way.

All the ladies gathered the food items in the kitchen. It wasn't long before they began preparing the meal. After our many dinners that we fixed at school — among men — I felt very chauvinistic with the women doing all the work.

"Can I help?" I asked my aunt.

My mother was slightly taken aback that I would ask.

"We've got it under control, Aiden dear," my aunt said.

"I could set the table."

"I've had that done for more than a day. Just go relax, dear."

I shrugged and went into the living room with the men. There was football on. I had little interest in it.

I asked Todd about his college experiences. I was slightly surprised when he centered his discussions around partying more than actual college life. We weren't within earshot of the adult men.

"Don't tell Mom," he whispered. "She has no idea."

"I take it your grades don't suffer."

"I have my ways of keeping them up."

I wasn't sure what he was implying. It seemed like he meant he cheated, but it could have been a study group, a tutor or just simply "getting by."

"I enjoyed my first semester."

"Ahh. I remembered my first year." He looked around to make sure we were alone. "First time I smoked pot. First blowjob. I had a handjob in high school, but that was it."

I found this the most curious conversation I'd ever had with my cousin. We usually didn't talk about such things. I gave a slight nod but didn't know what to say.

Thankfully, Rachel joined us. Todd ended his collegiate bravado.

"Are you liking Notre Dame?" she asked.

"I am. Totally."

"Dating anyone?"

"Nothing serious."

"You're too young to be serious," she said.

"How about you?" I asked.

"Ha. After graduation, all I've done is think about starting a career. I wish it was going better. I'm not going to lie. I thought it would be easier to land a job I really liked."

"Yikes. You make me worried."

"You're over three years away. Don't even think about it," Todd said. "Just enjoy being independent."

"I guess I am."

"Have fun with the ladies."

I was quiet. I wasn't sure how to interject.

"Some people actually try hard in college, Todd," Rachel sarcastically said.

"My grades are okay," he defended.

"Just okay."

I lifted my nose and took a sniff. "Mmm. Dinner is smelling good."

"I like Grandma's homemade bread. So good. I hope she made banana bread too.

The whir of the mixer in the kitchen indicated potatoes were being whipped. Dinner shouldn't be too far along.

A card table very close to the dining room table was set for us. It was hard not to think of it as a "kids table," but it was decorated very nicely as well, so I appreciated my aunt for going to that effort.

"I'll go help fill the glasses," Rachel said.

"I'll help," I said, following.

"I'll watch the game. Let me know when it is time to get up." Todd went back into the living room with my father and his.

Rachel had brought out the bin of ice from the freezer. I washed my hands at the kitchen sink and then joined her in the dining room. She filled glasses with ice; I followed with tea.

"So..." Rachel started. "These `nothing serious' dates..."

"Yeah?"

"Boys or girls?"

My eyes flashed at her. What made her ask that??!

"Uhhh."

"You can tell me."

"Boys," I said.

"I always wondered."

"Why?"

"I could just tell. Your expression at Todd's comment told me you weren't sure how to answer."

"And that's fine with you?"

Rachel blew out a puff of air. "Totally. Had lots of gay friends in college."

"Really?"

She nodded. "I assume you are out to your parents?"

"Yeah. Earlier this semester."

"So, the question is ... are they fine with it?"

"I think so. Getting there anyway."

"I hope it is all fine."

"Me too."

Before long, all eight of us were in the dining room. The card table was near but a little off to the side. All the dishes were on the big table. We carried our plates over to fill them. Grandma Dressel always fixed a ham. That was fine, but I knew we would be having turkey at my mother's parents tomorrow. Mam-ma liked baking a turkey every year, both at Thanksgiving and Christmas. We were only there for a few hours at Thanksgiving, but the Christmas visit usually lasted most of the day.

Everyone complimented everyone on each dish. It's not like anything was new. It was tradition to bring the items we all did.

"Are you eating okay at college?" Aunt Bernice said.

"Yes. We do. There is the dining hall, and it's not bad. My roommate Corey and I cook dinner for a few friends in the shared kitchen area of Dunne Hall usually once a week. I fully admit I eat a little junk food a couple times a week, but it's not like I'm eating burgers and fries every day."

The room lightly chuckled.

"You cook?" Uncle Harlan asked.

"Well ... no. Corey loves to cook. He's excellent at it. He and I usually get the groceries, and the other friends chip in and pay. I'll make salads and simple side dishes sometimes. But he's the real cook."

"Loves to cook ... he isn't gay, is he?" Uncle Harlan asked.

"No. He isn't," I said.

My parents looked a little stiff.

Rachel shot me a look of empathy. She figured I would just stay quiet. I felt that was the smartest thing to do. Just remain quiet.

Quiet.

Quiet. Because if I was quiet, I could avoid telling them I was gay.

Quiet.

By being quiet, I could hide. I could almost lie in my quietness.

Quiet.

"But I am," I finally said.

Rachel's lips formed a circle and sucked in air. Todd whirled his head at me. Mom tried to fake a smile but did a horrible job of it.

"You are ... what?" Uncle Harlan asked.

"I'm the gay one. Corey isn't, but I am."

The room was still and awkward and unsettled. My parents' posture struggled to look remotely comfortable. Was it because they were ashamed? Or were they afraid of what Uncle Harlan might say? Or do?

In that instant, I felt empowered to handle the situation.

"I have been pretty much my whole life, so nothing new there. Dad, can you hand me the butter? Grandma, the bread is outstanding, as usual."

"Uh ... uh ... thank you, Aiden," Grandma said, a bit flummoxed.

No one said anything.

From the corner of his mouth, I heard my uncle mutter, "Are you okay with this?"

"MM hm," my father answered. I at least had that support.

Control was mine.

"It's not a matter of being okay with it. He doesn't have a choice; I don't have a choice; no one has choice. It just is what it is. It's good." I smiled at Aunt Bernice. "The green bean casserole is always my favorite dish, Aunt Bernice. Delicious."

She smiled at me.

As I returned to my meal, I noticed my cousin Rachel was eating up the situation with a spoon. Her expression was equal parts supportive of me and loving watching her father squirm.

Minor chitchat resumed. Topics were mostly about Christmas itself from then on. Gifts. Lights. Snow. Another relative I didn't know. A television special.

In high school, talking about being gay probably would have humiliated me. Not now. It had only been one semester, but I knew who I was and fully embraced it. I felt like an adult. Aiden Dressel had arrived.

My mother's pie was sensational. I told her that in front of everyone. It was the biggest smile I had seen on her face all evening. Things seemed calm.

Rachel and I pitched in to help with dishes. Todd went back to a football game. The other men did too.

Once everything was cleaned and put away, we turned off the TV and gathered in the living room to open gifts around the tree. It was basically time to give to our grandmother, but each family brought one gift for each person to open that night. All in all, there were about a dozen gifts to open, so it took around a half an hour. My uncle had Christmas carols playing in the background. For my family, it really was the coziest 24 hours of the year. I liked it. There wasn't seating for everyone, so I sat on the carpet in front of my father. I felt him put his hands on my shoulders. He hadn't done that since I was in grade school. Perhaps I imagined it, but I thought just his hands conveyed a lot.

My grandmother seemed to enjoy her gifts. Both families gave her a present. There were sweaters, earrings, manicures and fancy coffees. Nothing of major interest to me. Rachel received a necklace; Todd opened a video game (still playing those?); I got a scarf. At first, I thought it odd, but I didn't own one. When I looked in the mirror, I liked how I looked in it. It had a "mature" look to it.

Everyone got up to pour themselves a cup of coffee that had just been brewed. I skipped on getting a cup.

Uncle Harlan came over and sat by me.

"You know, Aiden. I went to Notre Dame too. They have priests there you can talk to. I'm sure there are counselors."

"I'm happy, Uncle Harlan. I'm fine."

"But if you wanted to talk to them about ..."

"I'm fine."

"Maybe they can help with..."

"Flipping a switch??! Surely you are educated enough to know it doesn't work that way, Uncle Harlan. This isn't anything I went out and decided."

"I suppose. But ... maybe if you tried dating girls, you might learn to like it ... maybe?"

"Uncle Harlan, I know you mean well. I do. But if you TRIED dating boys in college, do you think you'd learn to like it? Think you could forget about girls?"

"Well, I –"

"This is me. I hope you can try to accept me for who I am. I'm still the same nephew you've always had. Nothing has changed. You just know more about me. The truth. I'd like you to try."

My uncle sighed. "Of course. It will be an adjustment for me-"

"I get that."

"But ... I will." He shook my hand. "I'll try."

I put my scarf back on and walked outside. I could see my breath. It was cold enough to snow, but there wasn't much of a chance in the forecast. I liked snow at Christmas.

It was 8:30. It wasn't late, so I called Corey.

"Hey, Merry Christmas," he answered.

"You too. Am I interrupting anything?"

"Nah. We are putting plates away. We just had seconds on dessert. We'll be driving back home in about fifteen minutes."

"We will be leaving my relatives soon too."

"Which ones?"

"My father's side. The Dressels."

"Has it been good?"

"Uhhh ... I guess. I sort of came out to everybody at dinner."

"Sort of?"

"Well ... I did. Yeah. No. Not sort of. I did."

"And...?"

"I'm not sure. No one stormed out of the room in disgust." I chuckled to myself. "It was kind of awkward, but you know, Corey ... I owned it. I just stood up for myself."

"You are a tower of strength, Aiden. I'm so impressed by you."

"Me?? You're the valedictorian/chef/artist."

"I'm just very impressed by you."

"Well ... man, thanks."

"Have you liked being at home?"

"I suppose. I love not having to do laundry-"

"Amen to that! I totally have a new appreciation for Mom. I told her how much I appreciated all those years that she took care of me growing up and how I have a new respect for her. I swear, Aiden, she just melted in front of me. I thought I was going to make her cry."

"Nice."

"She walked off with my clothes basket almost looking forward to doing my laundry."

"Ah. There is the root of your evil scheme."

"No! I meant it. I did."

"It's nice not to have to study."

"It is." He paused. "But I miss the guys. I miss not talking to you every night before going to sleep."

My chest erupted into a flaming fireplace of warmth. It almost crackled. "Aw. Thanks."

Why wasn't he close enough to wrap my arms around him?

"I was right. I got a 3.2 this first semester. My father was happy," I said.

"Nice. I'm glad. You worked hard. You earned it."

"What about you?"

"It was fine."

"Let me guess ... 4.0."

"It was fine."

"It was, wasn't it?"

"Yes," he all but mumbled.

"And yet you are impressed with me. Pfff."

Just talking with him made me miss our room at Dunne. I wanted to hug him before bed. I wanted to kiss him on Christmas morning.

"I got a scarf tonight."

"Really? I've never seen you in a scarf."

"I know. I kind of like it. It's me."

In that moment, I wanted to give Corey a gift for Christmas. We had never done that before. But now ... I loved him more than anyone in the world. Why wouldn't I give him something? Sadly, Christmas was the next day. I was too late.

"Well, it looks like people are starting to get their things. I should probably say my goodbyes to them," he said.

"Right. We'll talk later. Merry Christmas, Corey."

"Merry Christmas, Aiden."

I so wanted to say the words, "I love you," but even in a friendship way, it was too mushy for the moment. "Bye."

I was going to go inside, but my cousins came outside to join me.

"Brr. It's cold out here," Rachel said.

"I just wanted to call my college roommate."

"Nice," she said.

"You guys don't do it, do you?" Todd asked.

"Todd!" Rachel screamed.

"No. He's straight. We're best friends, but that is all."

Except we hug at night and kiss in the morning and occasionally feel each other's cock. Yeah, that's all.

"Are you okay with tonight?" Rachel asked, concerned.

"Yes. I'm fine. I don't think your dad really approves of me, but-"

"Don't worry about him," Rachel said. "He'll come around."

"I hope so. I don't expect him to be wild about the idea. A lot of gay people don't at first, so ... I try to give people the time to wrap their heads around it."

"It's not cancer," Todd said.

I smiled. "Right. Yeah, I know. Still, it's a perspective people are hit with that they weren't expecting."

"I know I don't ever want to look at another guy's dick," he said.

"And I feel the same about vaginas."

"Oh, they are so gross," said Rachel.

All three of us howled.

"Well, if you want my opinion..." Todd started.

"We don't!" the two of us answered.

We roared in laughter again.

"I'm glad you are okay," Rachel said, with a one-armed hug.

"I am. Thanks for checking."

 

—

 

Thirty minutes later, we were in the car. The drive home was relatively quiet.

"Did you have a good time?" I asked my parents.

"Sure. It's always nice to visit with relatives over Christmas," he said.

There was a long pause.

"Did you have a good time?" my mother asked.

"Yes. I love my scarf, by the way. I think I look cool in it. Thank you."

"You're welcome," my father said.

"And you're fine with everything else?" my mother asked.

"Yeah. I'm good. It's ..." I paused. "It's nice to not have to hide who you are. I'm not sure everyone there understood that, but I'm ... good."

"Okay," she said.

The rest of the drive was silent.

 

—

 

"Merry Christmas," I said, entering the kitchen.

I was wearing pajama bottoms and a Notre Dame T-shirt. My mother was already dressed for our visit with her family. Dad was in jeans and a polo shirt. I wasn't sure if that was what he was going to wear or not. They both echoed my greeting.

"We have a big lunch planned. I hope a blueberry muffin is fine for breakfast."

I looked at the clock. It was just a little before 9. "Yeah, that's fine."

"We thought we'd do gifts around 10:00, and then head to your grandparents' house after that. We should make it in time for lunch then," my father said.

"Fine. I'll be showered and ready to go shortly." I paused. "There is no snow forecasted for today is there?"

"No. Not a white Christmas this year," my mother sighed.

"At least driving will be fine," my father said.

I gathered there would be no Christmas mass for us. As I was certain we would go tomorrow, Sunday, that certainly worked for me.

As I showered, I realized I hadn't come last night. It was the first night at home that I hadn't masturbated.

I put on the one Christmas sweater I owned. I wasn't wild about the look — it was a gift — but it wasn't one of those stupid, gaudy ones either.

Our gifts to each other were fine. Mom liked the gift that I "gave," but I felt no connection to it as my father had purchased it. I felt closer to the gift that I actually went out and bought for my father, even though my mother suggested it.

The surprise was the glass bowl that I had purchased from Visions. Although I had met Corey's friend, Jakob, who lived in Von, he also was associated with the store in Jackson Bend. When buying my father's gift, I investigated. The store had beautiful things. The glass bowl was perfect for our coffee table. They both oohed and aahed over it. My mother was really taken by it. That made me happy.

Soon, we were in the car with cookies and sweet potato casserole in the trunk. This side of the family was larger, so we stopped giving gifts a few years ago. I had older cousins and younger ones on my mother's side of the family. I expected there to be some games played.

I knew my mother's family were on different parts of the Catholic scale. Papa hadn't gone to mass in years. Mam-ma still went almost every week. Uncle Reece wanted nothing to do with religion. His wife, Ivana was Presbyterian. I wasn't sure how often she attended, but I knew she did. My mother's other brother, Uncle Marty, and Aunt Bobbie were super Catholic. If I were to have an "out" moment, those two would probably give me the most grief.

"Did I disappoint you guys yesterday?"

"Disappoint?" my father said.

"By being honest."

"Of course not. A person should always be honest."

It was silent for a moment.

"You aren't planning a spectacle today, are you?" my mother asked.

"Was I a spectacle yesterday?"

"No. I didn't mean that. You aren't going to make a grand announcement today, are you?"

I sighed. My parents seemed to have accepted who I was, but at the same time, I could tell they weren't overly thrilled by the truth being public.

"No ma'am. Only if it comes up. I'll be honest then."

The radio played Christmas music the rest of the way. While these days were the best ones with my relatives, I still wished I was with Corey's family.

As we entered, there were smiles, hellos, holiday greetings and a few hugs. My mother handed the casserole to Aunt Bobbie. It was still warm, but they wanted it to go back in the oven before serving.

"I said we had desserts covered," Mam-ma said, when she saw the tray of cookies.

"Aiden made them!" my mother said. "He wanted to bring them."

"Aiden!" Mam-ma beamed. "Well, how nice." She winked at me and slipped an oatmeal raisin out from under the plastic wrap.

At 12:30, everyone gathered to say grace before lunch. At this house, there was no kids' table. The dining room seated eight, and the kitchen seated six, leaving one empty chair. The procedure was to fill your plate in the kitchen and then carry it to the table. Children were interspersed with adults, even though all the cousins could have fit at the table for six. Papa and Mam-ma sat at different tables so that all the cousins could have one grandparent to visit with.

It was an overload of food. The turkey was great — and huge. Mashed potatoes and gravy, the sweet potato casserole, broccoli-cheese casserole, green beans, buttered corn and a tossed salad made for a lot of food, but there were two pies and a big cake to follow later on. I loved the holidays.

Since all gifts were done that morning, everyone shared something that they had received. My mother (and assuming Dad) went in with the aunts and uncles and paid for a trip for my grandparents each year. There was nothing to unwrap, but they said they had selected Savannah, Georgia, to go visit.

There was a continual flow of people taking their plates back for seconds.

"Aiden, throw me a roll," my cousin Wes said.

I tossed him one.

"Boys! Don't throw food around," my Aunt Ivana scolded.

We took a break between the meal and dessert. We were stuffed.

Some of them gathered in the living room to watch A Christmas Story, which aired a hundred times during the day. I joined the ones who were playing Michigan Rummy. My grandparents didn't own many board games. They had Scrabble. But cards were fine.

Doug was older than me. He had graduated from college, the first cousin on this side of the family to do so. He attended Notre Dame as well.

"How do you like it?" he asked me.

"I like it a lot. I have great friends. I'm really close to them. As much as it is nice to not have to study, I miss them already."

My mother smiled slightly. She had known me as a loner for so many years. Corey was about the only friend who came over. On one occasion, I had some Choir kids at the house, but that was about it. Did parents worry about their kids if they didn't have a lot of friends? They never pushed me to make them. Then again, they hardly paid attention to me in high school.

"I get that. I was so ready to graduate, but I knew I would never see most of those people again. That's sad. Cherish those friendships."

"I will."

Papa had two cases of beer in the fridge. I was offered one. All the adults — and if you were in college you qualified — were offered one. My parents didn't drink beer, so they stayed content with their iced tea. My mother didn't say anything about me having one. I assumed she figured I got beer at school.

"Are you seeing anybody?" Aunt Bobbie asked.

Oh dear, it was that question.

"Not really. Not right now."

Mom shifted her weight in her chair.

"No young lady has caught your eye?"

"No, Aunt Bobbie."

"Give it time."

Uncle Reece "went out," catching most of us with cards still in our hand. We tabulated our scores, and my love life became irrelevant in the agony of being caught with so many cards left in each of our hands.

"Can we have dessert?" Madison, my youngest cousin, 16, asked.

"Just two more hands, and then we'll be done, dear," Aunt Bonnie answered. Madison didn't like the answer, frowned and went back to the living room.

The movie still had thirty minutes left anyway.

Uncle Reece asked if I wanted another beer. I told him I was fine. I think my mother was pleased that I turned it down, but she didn't say anything.

"Your parents said your grades were very good this first semester, Aiden," Mam-ma said.

"I was happy with how I did."

"We're proud," my mother said.

"My roommate, Corey, got a 4.0. He's so smart."

"Isn't he the boy whose father switched to being gay?" Aunt Bonnie said.

"He didn't switch. He always was but admitted it when Corey was younger," I clarified.

"We have a transgender kid at school. We're supposed to call him they," Madison said, re-entering the room to see if we were done.

"The world has just gone off the rails," Aunt Bobbie said. "There should be different schools for all those types of people. We need to protect our children. We don't want the gays trying to convert other kids."

That did it. I was steamed. I put my cards down.

"Convert?"

"That's what they do. They try to lure other boys into changing."

"I have never tried to convert anyone," I pointedly said. "That isn't even possible anyway."

"But, Aiden, that's what they do," Aunt Bobbie continued. "You see, gay-" Then she stopped. Like everyone else at the table, she looked at me with a puzzled look, deciphering my words. "You ... never tried..."

"Correct. That's not how it works. Yes, I'm gay, and we don't `convert people,'" I said, using air quotes.

"Holy cow," Madison said.

"How is this possible?!" Aunt Bobbie called out. Mother put her face in her hands.

Others came into the dining room. "What is going on?" Uncle Marty asked his wife.

"Aiden thinks he is gay!"

"I don't just think. I am. I've known for years."

"It can't be," Uncle Marty said.

"Sure, it can," said Uncle Reese. "Mathematically, with as many people that are here in this house, statistically one should be."

"Oh what do you know?" Uncle Marty yelled at his brother.

"He's correct," I said calmly. "That would make sense."

"But you've been taught better!" Aunt Bobbie said.

"It's the way you're born, Aunt Bobbie. People may try to teach you to hate yourself ... or look down on others, but that's not healthy."

"Neither is being gay," Uncle Marty said.

"And you know this how?!" I said pointedly.

"Stop it! Everybody, just stop it!" my mother said. My father had entered the room by now. "Don't treat Aiden this way."

"Do you approve?" Uncle Marty said, looking at his sister.

"It's not a matter of approving; it's accepting. And understanding," my father interjected. "Aiden is a fine young man. He didn't decide on any of this."

"He could decide to put those feelings aside," Aunt Bobbie said.

"Yeah. Sure. And live in a hole. I was alone most of my junior high and high school years. I avoided others. I didn't want to tell them. I knew I didn't fit in. Well, NOW I DO! And I like having friends and being honest with who I am. I don't want to be a liar. To think that lying and hiding is the better way to live is just ridiculous."

I stood up. I scooped up all the cards and made them into a stack. I abruptly slammed them in front of my other aunt.

"Aunt Ivana, it is your turn to deal."

The room was silent.

"I'm getting a cookie," said Madison.

The final two hands were played with virtually no conversation. Aunt Bobbie managed to win; Uncle Reese was second. I came in fourth.

As we all stood to go into the kitchen, Uncle Reese stepped over to hug me. "Don't pay them any mind," he said.

"Merry fucking Christmas to me," I muttered.

He leaned down and whispered into my ear. "Fuck all of them."

I smiled. We walked side by side to go get pie. He scooped vanilla ice cream on my slice. It was nice to have someone in my corner.

My father stepped up. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

"You – you're asking me?"

I looked at him intently. "I'm sorry to embarrass you and Mom."

"You didn't." He patted my shoulder. "Stand your ground."

My cousin Anthony came up. "So. Gay huh?"

"Yep."

"I'm cool with that."

"Fine."

Suddenly, my grandfather roared from the living room. Apparently, he was excited about a touchdown, now that the television had been turned to football. Others went to go check. I was hoping that would take the spotlight off of me.

I texted Corey.

"Things didn't go as cheery here."

He replied immediately. "Want to call?"

"Not now. I will later."

"'K"

No one else talked about me much for a while. The relatives seemed to be preoccupied with as many sugary calories as we could stuff into their mouths. Others got involved with the football game.

My mother was very quiet and seemed almost awkward being in the room. Swell.

Another card game started up, but I didn't play this round. Some other players entered the game.

I put on my scarf and decided to go for a walk. I was digging the cold weather since it was Christmas Day. I would have loved to see some small flakes miraculously appear. But they didn't.

I wanted to call Corey, but I also didn't want to run to him every time my feelings were hurt. But they weren't. The words earlier were more exhausting than hurtful. I was tired of dealing with it all. It didn't take many steps later for me to realize this was all behind me now. Each year going forward, there would be no hiding, no revelations. I got to be myself from now on.

And that was liberating.

I took a moment to text my friends.

To Geoff and Ace:
"Merry Christmas. Hope you are enjoying your days at home. I miss you two."

To Josh:
"Merry Christmas. Hope you are enjoying time with your boyfriend."

To Sam:
"Merry Christmas, Sam. I miss all of us being together. Hope you've had a great holiday. Are you misbehaving?"

To Brady:
"Hope your holidays have been going great. Merry Christmas."

He was the first to reply back:
"Guess what! I touched his tromBONE, if you get my drift."

"Whoa! Can't wait to hear about it."

Brady was growing in his sexuality. It didn't bother me that he was hooking up with a high school crush. Good for him. I wasn't sure what that would mean for us when we got back to school.

I had walked several blocks. I turned around to head back.

It's funny. I wished I had Slater's number. I had no idea why I wanted to text him, but I did. Then I realized Steve should have it.

To Steve:
"Merry Christmas, Steve. Hope your holidays have been fun. It's nice not having to study for a little while, isn't it?"

"Do you happen to have Slater's number?"

His reply was instantaneous:
"Thanks. Merry Christmas to you too. It's been good, but I'm bored out of my skull at my grandparents right now."

"Why on earth would you want to talk to Slater?"

Despite his hesitation, he sent me Slater's number.

I walked several steps, but then I stopped. I sat on a bench outside a storefront. Everything was quiet as all the stores were closed.

To Slater:
"Merry Christmas, Forrest. I hope your holiday was nice. Aiden."

I was almost back to the house when my phone received a text. It was Slater.

"Thanks. How did you get my number?"

"Steve."

Then my phone rang. It was Slater.

"Hi, Forrest. Merry Christmas."

It was quiet on the other end. At first, I wondered if the connection had dropped.

"Hi, Aiden. It was nice of you to text. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Are you enjoying the holidays?"

Again, he was quiet. "Some of it."

"Oh. Anything wrong?"

"I shouldn't say."

"Okay. I won't pry. I do hope it gets better."

"You're too nice to me." He was quiet again. "I'm not sure I like being around some of my family."

"Oh. I'm sorry. Again, I hope it gets better."

"At least I'm trying to be better. I think they are kind of assholes. Aiden, I swear I am going to be better next year. Kind of a New Year's resolution thing."

"Good for you." I paused. "If you ever need to talk, you can call."

Slater was quiet again. "You're a good friend, Aiden. I don't deserve your friendship, but I hope you know how much I appreciate what you've done for me."

"I haven't really done anything."

"You don't hate me. And you should! So ... thanks. You mean a lot."

"Thanks, Forrest. I'm back from my walk, so I'll let you go. Happy holidays."

We hung up. Wow. It sounded like he was dealing with stuff. Hopefully he was able to resist negative influences from his family.

"Weird," I said to myself. I actually cared about Forrest. Months ago, I hated him. I realized I was actually a happier person when I was caring rather than hating. How simple, how logical.

Uncle Marty and Uncle Reese were on the doorstep. They appeared to be waiting for me.

"Are you okay, Aiden?" Uncle Marty said.

"Yes. I'm fine."

"When you left, we became worried," Uncle Reese said.

"I just wanted to take a walk."

"I don't think we made you feel welcome," Uncle Marty said.

"Wellll ... you may not be far off with that, but ... I'm fine. I knew this would come out one day. What's done is done, and you all just know me better."

"You don't think this is just a phase?" Uncle Marty asked.

"Martin!!" Uncle Reese scolded. "Of all things."

"Being gay isn't a phase," I said. "There is no magic switch."

Uncle Reese put his hand on my shoulder.

"Well, I'll pray for you," Uncle Marty said sincerely.

"Good. Pray that I meet the right guy," I said and walked past them back inside.

 

—

 

I was ready to be back home. How strange to actually think those words. I settled into the small guest bed in the "sewing room" of my grandparents' house.

My father knocked and ducked his head in. I looked at the clock. 10:55. I was surprised he hadn't turned in.

"Are you fine for the night?"

"It'll do. I'm fine. The room seems colder than our house."

"This is a much older house. Our home has much more insulation. Do you need an extra blanket?"

"I'll be okay."

My father sat on the edge of the bed. I wondered if he wanted to talk to me about upsetting the family today.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you today."

He put his hand on my knee, which was under three layers. "Far from it. I'm sorry you had to feel uncomfortable. I just came in to tell you how proud I was of how you handled yourself. You didn't need any help from me."

"You weren't mad?"

"No. Of course not."

"How about Mom? This is her family."

"She's fine."

I looked at my father's face. "Do you wish I was straight?"

My father paused before answering. "That's a tricky question. Do I wish you didn't have to go through some challenges I know that are ahead for you? Yes. Do I think my chances of children carrying on the family name are reduced? Maybe. But none of that really matters. If you are happy, that's all I care about."

It was nice to hear my father say that. For him, there was almost emotion in his words.

"I think Aunt Bobbie thinks I'm going to hell."

He moved his hand to my shoulder.

"Let other people just worry about themselves."

"She said if I put God first, things will take care of themselves. I asked her if she would prefer if I were sad and lonely and bitter."

My father chuckled.

"She said, `Of course not.' Then I asked her to try to love me for who I am."

"What did she say?" my father said with interest.

"She just nodded at me. I think everything will get better every day."

"My. You've matured a lot since being at college."

"I'm not sure about that. I just don't think you knew me that well in high school. I've always been kind of confident."

He smiled, then sighed. "There's truth to that. I'm sorry that I allowed work to take too much precedence when you were home. But I'm glad that I get to learn more about you every day."

"Merry Christmas, Dad."

"Merry Christmas, Aiden."

In the darkness of the small room, I turned on my side. At school, I'd be facing Corey in our room. I missed him.

In a moment of telepathy, my phone signaled a text. It was Corey.

"Can I call?"

I didn't text back. I just called. "Hey."

"Hey! Are you okay? I wasn't sure from your text earlier. You didn't call me back."

For the next seven minutes, I relayed my day with my relatives, who spread themselves across the "supportive scale." Corey just let me talk.

"Thanks for thinking about me."

"You're my best friend. I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

"Aw, thanks. I love you." I said it and didn't regret it.

"I love you too. Want to get together this week?"

"Absolutely. We get back tomorrow afternoon. How about the day after that."

"Cool." He paused. "Aiden, it's going to be okay."

And here my lips were two hours away from his.

"Thanks. Merry Christmas, Cor'."

"Merry Christmas, Aiden."

 

—

 

December 27. Monday. The house was as tidy as could be. Presents all found their places. My mother had already packed away Christmas dishes, but most of the decorations stayed up. She piddled with them a little at a time between Christmas and New Year's Day so that there wasn't an avalanche of stuff to put away as the new year started. But the house still felt festive.

I told my parents I was going to meet Corey. That morning I had purchased him a Christmas gift. Before we got too far away from the holiday, I wanted to give it to him. The plan was to meet at his house and then go grab a bite to eat.

I pulled up at 11:40 with my freshly wrapped gift.

Larry answered the door. His smile at seeing me warmed my heart. His manly arms around me made it even hotter.

Corey walked up following our hug in the foyer. I handed him his gift. "It's a tad late, but ... Merry Christmas."

"What? We haven't given gifts before. This is – this is a surprise. You didn't have to get me anything."

"I wanted to."

"Merry Christmas, Aiden!" Mr. Snow said, entering the living room. "If I can still say that."

"Yes, sir. And to you as well."

Corey had ripped off the paper and revealed the new set of headphones.

"Wow. This is nice. Thank you."

"You didn't receive anything like that already for Christmas, did you?"

"No. Not at all. I hadn't actually even thought about how a new pair of headphones would be something I could use."

"I've watched you get a bit frustrated with your old pair at school."

"Yeah. They are pretty temperamental sometimes. This ... this is great. Thank you so much."

"I'm glad you like them. Hopefully they will work out better for you."

It was a high-end brand, so I felt they should be of high quality.

"I – I'm sorry that I don't have anything for you," Corey said.

"No worries at all. I wasn't expecting anything. I just wanted to give you something. You've been so helpful this past semester."

"Forget that. You worked very hard to earn your grades. I was very inspired by you. In fact ... Dad, Laramie, can you excuse us so that I can show Aiden something in my room?"

"Sure. Can I make us all some hot chocolate?" Mr. Snow asked.

We nodded.

"I'm kind of surprised they aren't at work," I said, going up the stairs.

"With Christmas on Saturday, Dad got today off. Laramie is going into his store this afternoon. It was a light day for his staff for those same reasons. They each got half a day off. As the owner, he can pretty much do what he wants. More than anything, I think he wants to do paperwork."

"Once he started doing his art, did his business improve?"

"It's always done well. I guess his store became more well known, but Jakob and Laramie's art has certainly taken off. More requests, higher payments."

"And we have a Laramie Jenkins original in our dorm room."

Corey sat on his bed and moved his keyboard closer. "I wrote this over the holidays. It's short."

As he started playing, I stood behind him looking at what he had written. At the top of the paper was "Pillar of Strength."

He began singing:

"A path
A destination
A journey

Write the passages, turn the page.
Obstacles won't be your cage.
You breathe
Dive in
Determination lets you begin.
You're a pillar of strength.

Learning to deal the cards you play
But new steps don't always go your way.
Accept
Step back
Your self-worth won't turn to black.
You're a pillar of strength.

Haters move through your world, for sure.
Your heart's forgiveness is your cure.
You bend
You land
So that others can understand.
You're a pillar of strength.

Stand tall
Reach higher
Stand tall
Inspire.

Stand tall
Reach higher
Stand tall
Inspire.

Belief in yourself, know it now.
You can't deny, you don't know how.
Your truth
You share
So that family knows you care.
You're a pillar of strength.

You're my pillar of strength."

When he finished, he looked up at me. "What do you think?"

I was dumbfounded. "This – this is – is this about me?"

"Yeah. I had been working on something when I was so proud of you at college, but when you told me what happened with your family over Christmas, it all kind of came together."

"In the last two days?? You – you are so talented."

"But do you like it?"

My eyes welled, but I refused to cry. "Are you kidding!? It's about me! It's beautiful. I love it." I paused. "You're beautiful. I love you. And here you thought you didn't have a gift for me. This – this is priceless."

He stood up. We hugged. Hug No. 100 was indeed something special. It was magnificent. My best friend had written a song about me. How many people can say that!?

A normal hug would have ended. But I didn't let go. "It's wonderful," I whispered. "Thank you."

"Guys? Hot chocolate!" a call came from downstairs.

We let go of each other and smiled.

His fathers met us at the bottom of the stairs with a steaming mug of cocoa. We both thanked them.

As I sipped on my wintery, chocolaty beverage, I let my gaze look at the Christmas cards the family had taped down the staircase. I got lost in them.

Larry came up to me as I was looking. "I love hanging these. Until Cooper entered my life, I would get like two or three a year. Now, I can't wait for us to send out one every year. I guess you have to send them to get them."

"You have a lot. We have some at our house. I think half of them are business related though. Most of yours have pictures of families or people on the front."

"Cooper has a small stack he brought home from work. I have a few `business' ones too, but we hang the personal ones."

"It's nice," I said. I realized our family had never really taken a Christmas picture. I faintly recalled doing it in kindergarten, but I wasn't sure if my memory was accurate.

"Cooper was ready to take them down on New Year's Day last year," Larry said. "I asked if we could keep them up for a while longer. Finally, on MLK weekend, he asked if they could come down, and I agreed." He paused, pointing to one. "My nephew and niece are getting bigger. That's my brother Grayson and his family."

"Cute."

The two of us joined the other guys in the living room.

"Aiden, we are having a dinner party on December 30. Would you like to join us?" Mr. Snow asked.

"I have no plans. That sounds nice. If I'm not intruding, that is."

"Heavens no. That's why I asked. You've met most of our guests. You know Lance and Jakob. Have you met Mike and Trent?"

"At Friendsgiving."

"Of course. And our coffee group. You know Natalie and Daryl."

"It sounds big. Thank you for inviting me."

"We could probably find two more chairs if you'd like to ask your parents to join us."

"No. I'd prefer to enjoy myself."

"Aiden!" Mr. Snow scolded. Larry and Corey laughed.

"Actually, I've kind of thrown a lot of gay this and that at them over Christmas. I don't think I should rub their faces in it ... being the only straight people at the party."

"I'm there," Corey said.

"As well as Ophelia and Kaden from my AA group," Mr. Snow said. "And Natalie and Daryl."

"I see. Still, let's just keep it to me. But thank you for inviting me." I cocked my head. "Why not New Year's Eve?"

"We don't want to interfere with anyone's plans if they'd prefer something more fun than our house. Mike, Trent, Lance and Jakob always have plans anyway."

"You can stay the night," Corey said.

"That's fine, but Jakob and Lance are coming into town, so they have the guest room," Mr. Snow said.

I would have said yes regardless, but to be in bed with Corey and to know two hot guys were in the guest room down the hall — yes, please.

 

—

 

During the three days in-between my visits to the Snow/Jenkins house, Ace and Steve had texted me back. Sam called, and we talked for almost twenty minutes. I texted Josh, Brady and Emanuel too. Everyone was enjoying being away from classes. Some enjoyed being home more than others.

I called Brady.

"So do I have to wait until school starts to find out about you and Mr. Trom-boner?"

He laughed. "It's been great, Aiden. We both just sort of naturally came out to each other when we met that night. It didn't turn out to be awkward at all."

"Good for you."

"Yeah. First night, we ... well, we ... we jacked off together. Second date, blowjob. Third date, blowjob and I slept at his place. He's out with his family."

"And you?"

Brady sighed. "I told my older sister first. She was totally fine. Mom overheard us and ... she sat down, and I told her. That was not as ... easy as my sister. Mom seemed uncomfortable with it, but she did say she had wondered for some time."

"And your dad?"

"Welll..."

"Uh oh."

"Mom said to wait to tell Dad until after New Years Day and to not tell relatives. There was `no reason to ruin the holidays.' Nice, huh?"

"What!? Ruin the holidays? With honesty?? Seriously! Dude, I'm so sorry. Man, what the hell?"

"I know. It makes me dread telling Dad now."

"You aren't forced to."

"If Mom knows, I should tell him."

"Keep me in the loop, Brady. Good luck."

 

—

 

When I arrived, four other people were at the Snows' house. Although I had seen them at Friendsgiving before, I didn't really know Ophelia and Kaden. Don and Emory were there. I didn't know them super well either. I wondered if attending this dinner party might not have been my wisest move. It was nice to be treated like an "adult," but suddenly I felt very much like a kid being thrust into a situation where I didn't know what to do.

Corey came downstairs. Hug No. 101 made me feel better.

A minute later, Mike and Trent arrived. I liked them. The age difference between the two of them was interesting. Mike wasn't quite as old as Mr. Snow, but his husband didn't seem that much older than us, even though I knew he was ten years older. Trent was so interesting. It was fascinating to me that he helped Corey write songs in his younger days. Just knowing he was gay and on the radio was cool to me.

Five minutes later, Jakob and Lance arrived. I thought they were an amazing couple. One was so physically perfect; the other had the kindest heart. And they were so madly in love, opposites that they were. They always seemed like newlyweds to me more than anyone I knew, even though they had been married for six years. Heaven knows I could stare at Lance all day. What a hunk.

Neither Mike nor Trent were in AA with Corey's father, but I noticed they had tried to socialize with Kaden and Ophelia. Lance and Jakob knew them well.

"Do you ever wonder how you are supposed to act around adults?" I whispered to Corey.

"Not really. All those Sundays going for coffee made me used to being around them. I never felt like an outsider. Just be yourself. You're very likable."

"Thanks," I whispered back.

I tried to put on my most mature persona. I would attempt my most sophisticated conversations. But I knew I couldn't pull that off. Corey said to be myself. Was a gay college kid coming to terms with himself that interesting?

"Jakob, I have to say, seeing your artwork in our college room every day is really special. I love explaining all the symbolism to our friends."

"Well, thank you, Aiden," Jakob replied. "Of course, all the symbolic parts are more of Laramie's handiwork."

I knew that. Surely, I didn't somehow misspeak. "I just love it. I worry one day when I won't be a part of it."

"Corey still has you in the circle, huh?" Lance said.

"Yes, I'm still on his journey with him. I know someday I will be replaced with a fiancée or wife or something, but the friendship thing keeps me in the picture — or art, so to speak."

Corey had turned up the holiday music playing throughout the house. He rejoined us.

"I was telling Jakob how much we thought the artwork in our room was cool."

Corey nodded and smiled. "I think the other residents feel we are more sophisticated than we actually are. Our room is so different than theirs."

"It's cleaner, that's for sure."

The couple smiled and chuckled.

"We should go say hi to Ophelia," Lance said. "Excuse us."

The doorbell rang. Mr. Snow went to answer it. It was his ex-wife and her husband Daryl. Having spent time at their home baking cookies over the holidays, I felt even closer to them. My concept of family was branching off in so many ways. While my mother and father would technically be my family, Corey's extended families had somehow become like my own. Even our friends at college were kind of like a family. I didn't know what having a brother would feel like; I had always been an only child. But our college buddies were like brothers.

Mrs. Perkes seemed pleased to see me.

"Aiden, I didn't know you would be here tonight. How nice to see you again!"

"Well, thanks, Mrs. P. You just saw me a week ago."

"I can never have enough time with you and Corey."

Me and Corey. Like we were a couple. How sweet that she referred to us that way. Wait. Did she think we were a couple? Did Corey and I send her false signals? And was she okay with it if we had???

I was sure my imagination was running amok. Corey's mother was simply being nice.

As half the people here tonight were recovering alcoholics, it was no surprise to not see any adult drinks at the gathering. I loved the smell of wassail Mr. Snow and Larry had warming on the stove.

Mitchell and L.B. were the last to arrive. Cooper greeted them both at the door — with a kiss on the lips! Was it any wonder that Corey was so comfortable kissing me in the dorm room? He grew up with crazy affection.

Or was it crazy? Was my house simply ... cold? Perhaps this was normal. Was there a normal household? What qualified as normal? What if the distant parents I had were the norm for a home?

Larry handed me a small mug of wassail to snap me out of my runaway thoughts. I loved everything about it — the warmth in my hands, the cinnamon vapors wafting to my nose, the symbolic essence of the holidays.

As I appreciated the simple beverage, I suddenly felt like an adult. I would never have given a drink a moment's thought in junior high or even high school. I would have tasted it and slurped it down. Curiously, the holiday liquid could have been the most elegant champagne or finest wine. Mingling amongst adults, I felt mature.

Then I found myself drooling over Lance, and I felt like a horny teenager.

The countertop had a platter of crackers and cheeses, and a bowl of chicken salad to spread on small toasts was adjacent to the platter.

"I made the chicken salad," Corey said, when he saw me checking out the appetizers.

"No wonder it rocks," I said with my mouth full of my first bite.

"Thanks."

"I'm glad your dad invited me," I said, after washing the bite of food down with a sip of wassail.

"Me too." Corey spread some chicken salad on a piece of toast of his own. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Nothing really. But since I am spending tonight over here — thank God — I am kind of dedicating New Year's Eve to be with my parents."

"That's kind of nice."

"We'll see."

Soon everyone was seated for dinner. A long folding table was near the dining room table but not touching it. It had a long tablecloth in Christmas colors that made it look fairly fancy. A centerpiece made it look just as nice as the actual dining room table. I smiled when I heard Jakob tell Cooper he approved. Mr. Snow and Larry encouraged us all to be seated as they brought out a large bowl of salad for each table.

Even though Corey and I were only nineteen, at no point did I feel like we were treated any differently. Corey may have thought differently as he found himself in the arms of every person there except for Kaden and L.B. If we talked about it before bed, I'm sure he would term it all as "too mushy," but his smile each time indicated otherwise.

While the two tables were not far apart, each had its own conversation. I sat next to Corey at the same table as his two dads, his mother and Daryl and Ophelia and Kaden. I was seated at the corner, so I had a view of the other table. With the slightest turn of my head, I could see the perfect body of Lance. If I focused on his muscles too much, I felt my dick start to get hard, so I tried not to look for too long, but it was challenging to look away.

Ophelia and Kaden shared details of their family Christmas. Their daughter Lydia was enjoying her time at college. She was planning to audition for a theater performance in the spring. That sounded fun. Kaden looked at Corey and me.

"How about you two? Did you enjoy your first semester?"

Before either of us could answer, Mr. Snow interjected. "Corey got a 4.0."

"Dad!" Corey scolded.

Mr. Snow jumped back. Obviously, he was proud of his son, but Corey didn't wish his grades to be brought up. I knew my roommate — soulmate — well enough that I assumed he didn't want me to feel "beneath" him in any way. I clearly knew Corey was smarter than me; I took no offense.

"We both did very well," Corey softly said. "I was very impressed with Aiden. He took his least favorite class and turned it around. He was a shark."

"I don't think you've ever called me that."

We smiled at each other. I looked over at Lance again. He saw me, and I quickly darted my gaze away.

Larry and Corey cleared the salad bowls. Mrs. Perkes offered to help with the next course. One by one, a platter of dishes was placed on each table — first the pork loin, then roasted potatoes, followed by spiced apples and finally a bowl of green beans. A ding on a timer made Larry rush to the kitchen to take rolls out of the oven. Soon a basket was placed on each table, along with a tub of butter.

"Cooper, if I may, can I offer a blessing?" Ophelia asked.

"Of course," Mr. Snow responded.

She and her husband clasped hands. She then reached for Cooper's and her husband reached for Daryl's. The chain of hands continued to build until we all were joined. The other table did the same after seeing our lead.

"Lord,

"We thank you for this food, but more importantly for the wonderful friends who prepared it. Let us never forget what a blessing each of these people are and how they improve our lives by simply being in it.

"This season makes us think of your Son even more, and let us always follow his lead in being as kind and forgiving and loving as we can. And thank you for the cherished examples of those attributes seated around these two tables.

"Forgive us when we stumble and help us always lift you and each other up to be our best selves.

"Never let us forget how blessed we are each and every day.

"In your son's name we pray, Amen."

Several guests said "Amen" following.

I thought it was a nice prayer. She seemed like a nice lady. I let go of Corey's and Mrs. Perkes' hand.

"That was kind of nice," I whispered to Corey.

He looked at me puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"All of us holding hands. The nice things she said about all of us."

Corey looked down for a second. "Yeah. I suppose it was."

People started dishing out food items on their plates.

"Oh!" Corey jumped up. A minute later he placed a bowl of cranberry sauce on each table. "I made the cranberry sauce myself."

The guests oohed and ahhed and noted how fancy it looked. I watched him knowing my heart loved Corey more than anyone else in the world. The littlest, the tiniest things conveyed to me how amazing he was. It was a cruel trick that the universe made him straight, but I accepted that. I couldn't help but wonder from time to time how happy we would be if we were a true couple.

Best friends would have to do.

Conversation drifted to the meal itself followed by the weather and the lack of snow over the holidays. When we were finished, I helped Corey clear the tables. Jakob helped, so it didn't feel like a "kid" task. Larry and Cooper said we would have coffee and dessert in a little while, so the other table pulled their chairs over so that we were all together. My view of Lance was still perfect. I noticed how his pecs stretched the fabric of his bright red button down. Jakob was so lucky.

Emory had been at the other table, so he asked about Notre Dame. Corey and I shared our favorite things about our first semester as well as told them about our dorm friends.

"You were an only child," Emory said. "Was it hard to have someone else in the room?"

Corey immediately answered, "No." He smiled at me. "I'm sure that was an adjustment for a lot of people, but we were lucky." He looked back at Emory. "Starting off with your best friend made it easy. Aiden is the perfect roommate."

I melted. I tried not to let the dripping wax of my body be that obvious. "He has that backward. I lucked out."

"You always were a mature kid," Mr. Snow said. "None of that surprises me."

"So how did I buck the system?" I joked.

Everyone smiled.

"I sometimes wondered if Corey being an only child forced him to be more of an adult sooner than he needed to be," his father said.

"Oh please! You were ready to strangle me in high school," he rebutted. "Aiden's really the one who grew up a lot. He had to put up with some crap, and he handled it so well."

I sighed. "Let's not bring that up."

"And the two of you never argue or fight?" Jakob asked.

Ugh. Both of us hated our falling out during the autumn months. It was brief, but it was hell.

"We're on the journey together. We make sure we have each other's back," Corey said.

"Aw. Just like the art," Larry said.

"Exactly," I said.

I saw Lance eyeing me curiously. That seemed odd.

A few of them discussed their New Year's Eve plans the next night. I wondered what I would do with my parents. Would they wish they could ditch me for some business-type adult affair? I had always been at home on New Year's Eve. Only in eighth grade did I stay at a friend's house. I didn't have many friends; I had always seemed different. It was all so apparent now. I knew from a young age that I didn't fit in. Kyle was nice enough to ask me over. We had fun. His parents popped popcorn and we played games. That was one of the few times in my life that I played board games. Perhaps my parents would be willing to play cards. If only Corey could be with us. But he had plans with his dads.

When we were asked when we returned to college, Corey also casually mentioned Patty.

"OoooOOOooo," Emory said. "Tell me more of this Patty."

Corey was immediately annoyed. "Pleeeease don't make a big thing of this. We've gone on a few dates. I already have been grilled by Mom and Dad. Don't you start. Yeeesh."

Everyone laughed.

I tried my hardest to like the coffee. Lance struggled with me. Neither of us were big on coffee. Larry offered us eggnog creamer. It helped. The strawberry cheesecake was much more to my liking.

Lance walked up to me, and I was immediately captivated by his Greek god-like body. He put his arm around me — ohmygod ohmygod. "Care to take a walk with me?"

If he left his arm around me, he could walk me right into a trash dumpster. "Uh. Sure."

"It's cold. Grab your coat," he said. We both did so. I motioned to Corey that Lance and I were going outside. He looked confused but shrugged his shoulders and nodded his head. I thought I looked more adult in my new scarf.

"Are you happy at school?" he started, as we took our first steps.

"Very. I don't think I've ever been happier."

"Good for you."

We took a few more steps. I got the impression our walk was for some purpose, but I didn't know what it was.

He put his arm back around me. Hot damn.

"I don't want to overstep here, Aiden. I –" He paused.

"Is something wrong, sir?"

"Sir!?? I'm not 50, for heaven's sake. I'm not that much older than you. Like ten years maybe." We chuckled. "Just call me Lance."

"Okay."

"You know Trent and I were in college together here in Jackson Bend," he said.

"Okay."

"We were so close. I didn't realize how quickly we became best friends. You and Corey seem awesome together."

"We are. The first week of school, we promised to never lie to each other. We can tell each other anything."

"And do you?"

"Yeah. I guess. Yes. We do. We share a lot."

"Do you love him?"

I stopped walking. "What do you mean?"

"Do you?"

"We're best friends. We actually say that to each other every now and then."

"Okay."

We resumed walking.

"When I look at you, I kind of see ... myself."

"Ha. I wish I looked half as hot as you."

Lance pulled me into a headlock. "Not what I meant."

I didn't care if he let me go. My face was pressed into his body, covered in a coat as it was. It felt so firm. What did his skin feel like with all those muscles?

He released me. "I was in love with Trent in college. I know that look. The look of loving someone else who can't love you back."

"But he's gay."

"He is ... and was. And I was in denial at first. When I truly admitted to myself that I was gay — or bi as he insists — he was already in love with Mike."

"Oh. Ouch."

"Do you drink at college?"

"Some. A little."

"I was so in love with Trent, and I knew I could never have him, so I drank. A lot. I thought that would help. It didn't. And when it stopped numbing all the feelings I had worked up, I just drank more. Following graduation, I crashed my car in a drunk driving accident."

"I'm sorry."

I knew Corey's father had met Lance and Jakob through AA, but I didn't know any of these details.

"I care about you two, and I –" Lance paused. "I would just hate to see anything like that happen to you."

"I promise it won't, sir... Lance."

"Sir Lance. I like that. I'm a knight."

We chuckled.

"But ... I'm not in love with Corey. He's straight."

We stopped walking. He turned to me and took my hands in his. They felt wonderful.

"Aiden, I see you. I can tell your feelings for him are deep."

"To be honest, I think he's my soulmate."

"Hm."

"But I understand that he's straight. As much as we'd make a great couple, I know that can never happen."

"And how does that make you feel?"

I looked at the ground. "I had to accept it a long time ago. We love each other as best friends. We're close. And ... and I'm okay with that. I have to be."

"Do you ever jack off together?"

"Wow!!"

"Sorry. I have a reputation for being blunt. That's none of my business. You don't need to answer that. I'm sorry."

"Sometimes."

"Does that ... complicate things?"

"To be honest, no. We share everything. It isn't romantic, but it's kind of ... kind of..."

"A different kind of love. There are many types of love."

"Did you take psychology in college?"

Lance roared. "Hardly."

"To be honest, I remember a lesson growing up ... or a sermon ... or a class. Eight types of love or something. I can't remember them all. There was agape and... eros... and..." I stopped. "That's all I remember."

"Jakob taught me all this," Lance said. "We try to be just what each other needs. I think you and Corey have a love called Philia. You're affectionate, but it is rooted in friendship."

"Oh, that's totally us."

"If so, I won't worry. But I want to tell you one more thing. In AA, we sometimes say the Serenity Prayer. Do you know it?"

I shook my head.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

That sounded vaguely familiar. I looked to Lance's eyes. They burned with sincerity.

"In AA, I learned to accept that Trent and I could never be together as a couple, but my love shifted to a different type. We love each other very much even though we are married to others. We're still best friends even though I live an hour away."

"That's nice."

"I hope you and Corey can always have that. You're young. You'll meet new friends."

"I thought you weren't 50. Aren't you young too?"

"Touche'." He smiled. "But ... if you two stay close, just remember, even if you can't change things the way you might want, you can still be best friends ... and love each other."

"I will always love him." I patted Lance on the shoulder. "It's nice that you are concerned. Really. Thanks. But I'm okay. Actually, it's kind of nice to talk about this."

"And it's good for you. Don't bury things inside." He asked to see my phone. "I'm putting in my number. You can call me anytime. And I want you to make me a promise."

"What?"

"Promise me that you won't ever see alcohol as a solution."

"I promise."

"Good. Because I'll beat the shit out of you if you make my mistakes."

I laughed. I took a selfie of the two of us and added it to his contact info.

Back at the front door, we hugged. A bear hug. A strong hold-me-forever bear hug.

"Thank you," I said.

We walked inside.

"What was all that?" Corey asked.

"Later," I softly said.

Larry had topped off coffee. Lance and I had at least escaped that.

We noticed someone new had arrived. Someone from the coffee shop named Brad was able to stop by for dessert. He was all about Corey. They seemed to be long-lost friends.

Corey's mom and Daryl were the first to leave. As each guest left, I watched. The affection between these people was ... astonishing. To me. The straight guy hugged the hosts. Mr. Snow kissed his ex-wife on the cheek and gave each other a deep hug. How nice for two people who got divorced. Emory hugged the hosts, and Don kissed each of them on the cheek.

"I'm sorry it was brief, but it was so nice to see you, Mr. 4.0," Brad said.

"Stoooop," Corey groaned.

"I'm proud of you. I miss you." Brad placed his lips on Corey's cheek. Corey smiled. After a receiving line of kissing many other people, Brad exited.

Mitchell's boyfriend kissed the cheeks of Mr. Snow and Larry. Mitchell kissed the hosts. Between Mr. Snow being so close to his ex-wife and his ex-boyfriend, I found him even more amazing. I had always been impressed with Corey's father, but I felt almost inspired.

After they had left, I told Mr. Snow, "I think you're incredible."

"Me? Why? It was just a dinner party."

"Look how close you are with Mrs. Perkes."

He sighed. "Well, I'm fortunate that she forgave me. It took some work — and time — but the two of us are in a very good place."

He seemed to drift off into space, probably thinking about either good times that they had or horrible times that were now in the past. For a moment, it made me think of Slater.

"Corey said you forgave someone at school," Mr. Snow said, turning back to me.

"Yeah. I guess. We all need that, right?"

"Indeed, we do."

Kaden and Ophelia departed. I waved. Corey did too.

I waved to Mike and Trent as they left ... and they kissed all the men on the lips. Amazing.

I quickly texted Slater.

"Just wanted to say I hope you have a Happy New Year."

He didn't reply.

Larry, Mr. Snow, Lance and Jakob finished off the second pot of coffee, remarking that they were glad it was decaf. Corey and I helped with any remaining dishes. Plates and bowls had been loaded in the dishwasher, but we hand-washed things that wouldn't fit.

At 11, everyone decided to turn in. At the foot of the stairs, Cooper and Larry kissed Lance and Jakob. Man! How could I get in on this on-the-lips action??

"We'll give you guys the bathroom first," Corey said. "How come you aren't staying with Mike and Trent?"

"They offered, of course," Lance said. "But we spend each New Year's Eve together for a couple of days. We wanted to spend some additional time with your dad and Laramie."

"Ah. Well, they love having you here."

Corey and I walked to his room while the hot men occupied the bathroom first.

"What was with the walk? What did you and Lance talk about?" Corey asked after we closed the door.

I wasn't sure what to say. I wouldn't lie to Corey, but the conversation had been kind of private.

"He made me promise him that I wouldn't ever turn to alcohol for a solution."

"What made him think you were drinking??"

"He didn't. But he knew ... I was going through some stuff ... at school. Enough to know that I had things said about me and all that. I'm not sure how much you know about him, but he just didn't want me to repeat his mistakes."

I could tell Corey didn't fully understand, but it made enough sense that I didn't have to go into further details.

We heard the second flush, so the bathroom was occupied. We went down to the bathroom to brush our teeth.

"Isn't it weird that at school we pee and shower and brush out teeth and everything with all the other guys, but here in the house, it almost seems odd for us both to be in the bathroom together," he said.

"I know what you mean. Just closing the door is so ... NOT like it is at school," I said, before frothing up my toothbrush.

He peed but didn't flush. He knew I would after him.

"I'm glad we share everything," I said, looking down waiting for my pee to start.

Minutes later, we had stripped to our underwear. He put on a T-shirt noting that it was slightly chilly.

One lamp on his nightstand was on; the rest of the room was dark. It was an adjustable lamp, so it was the lowest setting on the light bulb.

As we crawled into the sheets, he left the light on. I guessed we were going to talk for a while.

"I hope it was okay for you tonight. I know you didn't know a lot of those people really well," Corey said, looking at me. "Did you have fun?"

I turned to him. "Yeah. I had a great time. All those people are nice."

"They are. I enjoy spending time with them. It's funny, at school, I feel like an adult, but being with the guys is different than being with these friends."

"Because at school, we are less than 20."

He smiled. "I suppose. But our conversations are different."

"I get that. Yeah. I suppose the student mindset is different than a career mindset."

"They said we were very mature. Do you think we are more mature because we don't have brothers or sisters?"

I reflected for a moment. "I'm not sure about that. Maybe. I just didn't have a lot of close friends in junior high and the first part of high school. Choir helped me meet people. I just never got interested in childish things, I guess." I turned on my side facing him. "But you have always been mature because you are so smart."

"I dunno. The mad scientists I see in movies are pretty unstable."

I laughed. I wondered if Lance and Jakob could hear. It was probably too soon for them to be asleep. And then I thought about them lying in bed. Maybe naked. Touching. Feeling Lance's body. My dick started getting hard. I pulled the sheet up so my crotch couldn't be seen, although it had already been covered. Corey had seen my hard-on many times, but this didn't seem to be an appropriate time.

"Dinner was good. I think your cranberry sauce went over well."

"Thanks. I thought everything turned out. Dad and Laramie worked all afternoon."

"You all were great hosts. Particularly with how many people were here."

"We could probably have still fit your parents in somewhere."

"Eh. It was better this way. With me coming out to relatives over Christmas, maybe a cooldown on the gay stuff is a good idea."

"Have they said anything?"

"No. Not that way. I think they are supportive. But ... small doses might be helpful." I turned on my back and stared at the ceiling. "Still, I kind of wish they could see ... you know, see everyone together."

"I don't follow," Corey said.

"Think about it. There was such a mix. There were straight people and religious people and Black people and AA people and young people and old people..."

"Don't let Emory and Don hear you call them old."

"Right. But you know what I mean. Everyone was the same. No matter how different they were, everybody was ... equal. I wish they could have seen that."

"Hm."

"I think the affection might have been too much though."

"What do you mean?"

I turned back to face him. "I understand you more now."

He sat up in the bed. "What does that mean?"

Looking up at him, I said, "I always thought we were ... not weird, but not ... what is the word I want? Typical."

"Still lost."

"Don't you ever think the two of us aren't like everyone else in Dunne ... or on campus?"

"Because ... because we're close?"

"Exactly."

"If I'm being honest, sometimes ... kind of. But then I think... why do we even need to be like everyone else?"

"Agreed. Our friendship is awesome. But tonight, I saw so many men kiss each other. Sometimes it was on the cheek, sometimes on the lips. There were a million hugs."

"Is that bad?"

"No!! I loved it. It was wonderful. And it was like nothing I had ever seen growing up. My parents occasionally hugged, and that was about it. It's no wonder you can hug me or even giving me a kiss is no big deal for you."

"I'm comfortable with affection. You are okay with it, right? I can stop if you want."

"Please don't. Being your roommate, being your best friend — it makes me happy."

"Aw. Look who is borderline mushy."

"Stop teasing. I'm serious. I love that we can share everything."

"Me too."

Corey turned out the light. I could barely see anything, but I could tell he pulled down his underwear. Were we jacking off? With guests down the hall?

"Are we...?"

"Do you want to?"

"I'm usually up for it. Lance and Jakob are down the hall."

"We've been pretty quiet at Dunne."

I pulled my underwear off completely. I tossed them to the floor. Corey did the same.

I really couldn't see much, just shadowy movement. I saw his arm pull in the direction of his crotch.

"Are you ever loud when you're alone?" I softly asked.

"Kind of. If I know no one is in the house." He paused his strokes. "That's natural, don't you think?"

"If porn is any indication, I'd say so."

"That stuff is so stupid; why do you even look at it?"

"Because I want to see dicks. Duh."

"Perv."

I wasn't jerking my cock as much as I was groping it, feeling it. Deep down, I wanted Corey to stroke it. That's a lot to ask a straight friend though. Even one masturbating next to you.

Corey's hand stopped. I thought maybe he had changed his mind about doing this.

"Can we really share everything?"

"Don't we always?"

"I feel weird asking, but I was wondering how something might feel."

"Do you want a blowjob??!" I loudly whispered.

"No. Gosh, Aiden. Why is that your default?"

I snickered.

"But ... I was wondering ... if we could ..."

After his pause, I interjected, "Could ...?"

"I was wondering how something might feel."

"Tell me more."

"I – I was wondering what it might feel like to rub ... my thing ... against a person."

"Your thing??? Okay, the whole mature label just went out the window."

"Dang it, Aiden. It was embarrassing enough for me to bring it up."

"I'm sorry. What do you want to do?"

"Remember at school when we kind of held each other while we ... jerked?"

"Yeah. It was nice."

"Soooo ... get on your knees for me."

I wasn't following him, but the whole thing had me excited. I got on all fours.

"No. Sit up. Tall."

I was erect on my knees. Corey moved up to face me. Close. He put his arm around my back. I felt his cock press into my bush. He pushed it up and down my torso. I placed my hand around his back.

"Is this okay? Do you mind?" he asked.

"It's ... yeah, it's fine."

It was fucking great!! My soulmate was shoving his hard dick into my body. I reciprocated by thrusting my erection alongside his balls, occasionally rubbing our dicks together. God, how did I not come immediately?

Corey softly groaned. We held each other. Tightly. Pushing. Rubbing. Our chins were on each other's shoulders. I wondered if he would let me touch his ass. My hand slid down and cupped his butt and pushed his crotch into me harder. He gasped and moaned harder.

"Feel good?" I whispered.

"Yeah," he panted next to my ear.

Corey took his arm from around me to pull off his shirt. Our bare chests touched each other as we squirmed in sexual friction. It was hot as fuck to me. How did this feel for a straight guy??

I knew I was breathing heavier as we rubbed into each other. I had never done anything like this. Not sitting up anyways. I shut my eyes and just let my senses tell me everything. I felt the softness of his chest hair brush into mine. I loved that. I felt the indention of his crack as my pinky roamed while I cupped his cheek. I loved that. I felt his cock rub alongside mine as he thrusted harder. I loved that. His arm held me tighter; his fingers slightly curling around my body to touch my armpit hair. I loved that. He panted harder next to my ear. I loved that. It was hot. All of it. We were hot. Our bodies kept feeling warmer. I might have imagined it, but there was just the slightest feel of sweat as my fingertips neared his crack. Why had I not exploded in orgasm already?

It was fucking hot!!

We gyrated, simply rubbing and thrusting our crotches into each other.

"This is nice," I whispered.

"It feels good," he whispered back.

"I wish we could get loud," I whispered.

"It's hard not to groan," he replied.

He squeezed me tighter. He was pushing his erection into me more strongly.

"I'm getting closer. Will you take it?" he asked.

I wriggled one of my hands between us. I hated taking it from his ass, but what better consolation than touching his cock.

I loved holding it.
I loved feeling it.
I loved groping it.
I loved pulling it.
I loved jerking it.
I loved jerking and feeling and groping and stroking his fucking hard cock.

"Oh man," he panted. His breathing was hard and heavy. "Oh. Ohhhh. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Aiiiideeeen," he whispered.

I felt hot liquid on my fingers and my torso. I loved feeling the warmth continue to spurt and drip between us.

Corey's body shuddered. I squeezed us tight.

As much as my cock throbbed, I hadn't come yet. Since he had, I didn't think a straight guy would want to hold my dick when his arousal level started to subside.

My hand, now slightly wet with his cum, returned to his ass. I pushed his crotch into mine and thrust my cock into his crotch. The cum made it slippery and intensely more erotic.

"Oh yeah," I panted.

I thrust.
I slid.
I rubbed.

"Fuck, yeah."

"Don't cuss," was barely whispered. I smiled hearing it.

"Hold me tighter," I whispered.

Corey squeezed my back. I used both my hands and gripped his ass and fucked his torso. Pushing. Writhing. Thrusting. Sliding my cock through his cum.

God, it was glorious.

"Oh. Ohhhh. Cor'. I'm-"

My cock rubbed through his bush. It slid alongside his rod, which was still firm. His dick against my dick.

I gasped. My teeth slightly bit his earlobe. "- coming."

My fingers dug into his ass. Corey squeezed me tight. Cum erupted between us. My best friend panted along with me. I wondered if I would get enough air as my orgasm rocketed through every nerve in my cock.

It took a minute for my breathing to return to normal. My chin was on his shoulder. His chin was on mine.

We pulled back a little. He looked at me.

"Was that okay?"

"Fuck, yeah. Don't tell me not to cuss. It was fucking great."

We looked down at our bodies. We knew they were a mess, but we couldn't see much. Corey moved over and turned on the light.

"Oh," he said, looking at the cum on both of us.

"Yeah." I looked down at the bed. "At least nothing is on the sheets."

He giggled.

"Now what?" I asked.

He had a cum rag in his nightstand. When he wiped my chest, I could tell it was scratchy enough to know that he had used it before. Why was that so insanely hot to me??

His expression was one of frustration.

He picked up his underwear and muttered, "sticky."

Peering out a crack in the door, he determined the coast was clear for his matted chest hair and sticky navel to walk down the hall. A minute later, a hot, wet cloth was wiping both of us off.

At that point, we didn't have a dry towel, so we lay there waiting for our bodies to dry. He picked up his T-shirt to help speed the process. I just remained lying on my back, letting my dick hang. I loved letting Corey — or any guy — see it.

His shirt was hardly damp, so he slipped it back on. His underwear was pulled back up from beneath his balls. I remained naked.

"That was a lot to ask of you. I'm sorry," he said.

"Obviously, I enjoyed it too. No problem."

He threw his back on the pillow. "It wasn't right of me though."

"Again, I enjoyed it," I said, turning on my side to face him.

"Yeah, but I've always said I am not the type of person who believes in `friends with benefits.' Then I throw that at you."

"Why did you?"

"I feel I can trust you with anything. I feel we share everything."

"Agreed."

"I hate messing with your head though."

"It's okay," I said. A quick kiss followed. After seeing so many men kiss tonight, I understood why he so easily accepted that. We had the kind of deep, affectionate love between friends that Lance spoke of.

"If I did that with a girl, would that count as sex?" he asked hesitantly.

"Do you consider what we just did as having sex?"

"No."

"So, my answer is `no.' BUT ... Corey, you seem to want to get as close to having sex as you can but not do it. What gives?"

"Patty and I get each other worked up, and then we decide we aren't ready."

"Fuck her already. Enjoy it."

Corey flipped on his side.

"I want to. I know it will feel great. But ..."

"But what?!"

"When it is over, I know I will feel guilty. We both do every time we get close — just taking it that far. I know a wave of guilt would crash over me if we went all the way."

Damn. Part of me wanted to tell him to just fuck the daylights out of her. But he was right. I knew my soulmate. He wasn't ready from an emotional standpoint. His moral code wasn't there.

"When it is right, you will know. You're smart enough — and mature enough — to look beyond the physical act. More so than me. With Roy, I just wanted to be fucked. And we know how that turned out." I touched his arm. "Just be you, Corey. I sure don't have any answers, but if it doesn't seem right, I'd hate to see you be all torn up with regret."

"Thanks. I feel I am cursed to be perpetually adrift."

He turned out the light.

"Just know you aren't drifting alone. I'm next to you."

"Together," he said. "I don't deserve you, Aiden. Most guys would move on to better friends."

"Right back at ya."

I rolled away from him. "Good night."

Corey moved up to me and put his arm around me. "Good night."

He amazed me. I was lying naked. Gay and naked. He had no problem being next to me. There was no other person in the world like him. I was sure of it. My belief in God wasn't the strongest in the world, but Corey's friendship made me want to believe. Surely God had his hand in both of us being friends.

"I thought the prayer tonight was kind of nice," I said into the darkness.

"Ophelia's? I suppose."

"I had never seen people join hands like that."

"Really?? Never?"

"Maybe on TV. I had never done it."

"Hm."

"Think of everyone there: gay/straight, different ages, different races, different views on religion ... all holding hands. I don't how to describe it. Unity, I guess. It sort of touched me."

"Hm."

I reached up and pressed his hand to my chest. Then I curled my fingers around his. We held it that way for a few minutes. Then I heard him slightly wheezing, and I knew he had floated away. I removed my hand, but his hand continued to stay against my chest.

It took me a while to fall asleep. Unexpected emotions and Corey holding me while I was naked had my mind in a pinball machine. Not to mention what he had asked me to do. No matter what all the things running through my head were, all the feelings made me happy.

 

—

 

New Year's Eve.

I woke up and wondered where I was. Then the night before hit me, and the recognition of Corey's room came into focus. I turned. We weren't close in the bed anymore. I craned my head to look over him at the clock. 8:13. Not early; not late.

My slight movement must have awakened him.

"Morning," I said.

He turned to me. "Good morn'. Sleep `kay?"

"Yeah."

He smashed his face into his pillow. "Good."

"You want to shower first?"

"I can." He lifted his head. "Wait. Have you heard anyone downstairs?"

"No."

"I'll investigate breakfast."

He threw back the sheets. My dick had morning wood. Corey hardly noticed. I knew he saw it, but he didn't react. The two of us were so amazingly comfortable with each other, it was unreal.

I didn't move. When he opened the door, I pulled the sheet back over me. I thought I could hear someone in the shower down the hall, but I wasn't for sure.

Damn. I kind of needed to pee. If I got dressed, I could use the bathroom off the hall downstairs. I awaited Corey's report.

Within a minute, he came back.

"Dad's making pancakes."

"Right now?"

"Well, he's mixing batter."

Corey ripped the sheet off. My dick was still a sundial. He smiled at it. Leaning over, he flicked it with the back of his hand. "Put that away, get dressed and come downstairs."

I smiled that he could so casually touch my penis.

"Jakob and Lance have to leave right after breakfast. They'll shower first."

"Okay," I said, leaving the bed and leaning over for my underwear.

I pulled on a sweatshirt of Corey's and the jeans I had worn the night before.

The night before. The night we had that hot experience. The night we had the hot experience that was his idea.

As we left Corey's room, the bathroom door opened. Lance stepped out just wrapped in a towel.

"Yes, please," I uttered under my breath. Holy fuck. That body had me in a headlock last night. What I would have given to see the towel fall off.

Within an hour, we all had eaten breakfast, cleaned plates and were prepared to say goodbye.

"Have fun with Mike and Trent," Larry said with a wink. Curious. Then he hugged both of them. They both kissed him on the lips.

Mr. Snow was next. "We love you guys."

"We love you, too, Cooper," Jakob said before a kiss. "Thank you for having us."

"You're welcome anytime," Mr. Snow said.

Hugs and kisses and hugs and kisses. I would have bought tickets just to watch these men show affection to each other. I wondered if I would ever have such friends when I grew up.

And then I felt NOT grown up. I was technically an adult by some measurements and not by others. Certainly not when it came to having adult gay friends. But I knew I wanted what these men had.

 

—

 

My mother's favorite movie was Love, Actually. My father agreed to watch it. We had a simple dinner of egg rolls, chow mein and edamame. No one had to cook.

My parents had a glass of wine. They didn't offer any to me, but I knew they would let me have champagne at midnight.

I paused the movie two-thirds the way through. I knew one bag of microwave popcorn wouldn't be enough. I poured the buttery snack into a large bowl and carried it and a short stack of napkins back into the living room.

I surprised myself by actually enjoying time with my parents. We weren't doing anything notable. It was just time together. No other relatives. Just the three of us, enjoying each other's company. It's funny that leaving home somehow had made me appreciate things more. Plus, I wasn't the same high school kid of Christmases before. I had grown — and more than just chest hair.

After the movie, we switched the television to New York City's coverage in Times Square. Although Jackson Bend was an hour behind, it was always fun to see the festivities in New York.

My father had champagne ready to go a few minutes before the ball drop.

The three of us were silly enough to count down with people on the East Coast.

"Happy New Year!" we all shouted. We clinked our glasses and drank champagne.

My parents kissed. Nothing long or dramatic, but a kiss. I watched people on TV kiss.

Deep in my heart, I wished I was kissing Corey.

I heard a text come in. To my surprise, it was Slater.

"Happy New Year. I look forward to seeing you back at school."

How about that? I actually looked forward to seeing him too. The high school person I was last year would still hate his guts. Maybe I had matured.

I looked back at the television. The cameras showed more people kissing.

I thought about Lance's words. "Accept the things I cannot change." I knew Corey and I would never be a couple. We never could be. But we were great. I accepted that. I loved him more than any person on earth. I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather be kissing at the stroke of midnight.

 

* * * *

 

Look for a new post called "Relatives" on the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com