Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2007 16:50:17 -0700
From: Roy <roynm@mac.com>
Subject: Phalen - Finding Happiness - chapter 4

This story is entirely fictional, and any resemblances to actual persons
are completely coincidental.  Actual locations are mentioned, and are used
for 'background' only.


'Phalen - Finding Happiness'
Chapter four


by Roy Reinikainen


Greg seemed captivated by the surroundings of his new home as Phalen drove
from the airport.  He looked out of the car window, exclaiming about every
few minutes about something.  "So this is what a desert looks like," he
murmured almost to himself.

"You'll get used to it," Phalen responded from the front seat.  "Besides,
this isn't desert.  This is green."  Jeff caught Greg's disbelieving
expression.  "And it stays this way year-round," Phalen added.  "And, we
don't have all that darkness in the winter."  He looked over his shoulder
while they were waiting for a traffic light, and smiled.  "A pretty good
place all-in-all."

They drove past the University where Jeff pointed out various buildings,
and then turned down a palm-lined residential street.  Greg craned his neck
and tried to look up at the passing trees.

"There's Dad and Brad."  Phalen waved as he pulled into the driveway.
"They must be getting ready to go on a run."  Phalen climbed out of the car
and trotted over to the two men while Greg leaned closer to the window and
watched them stop stretching and greet Phalen with a bright smile.  They
were dressed alike, in a pair of very brief red running shorts, running
shoes, and nothing else, unless one considered the fine sheen of
perspiration glistening on their chests.

Greg touched Jeff's shoulder and nodded to the two men, as he started to
get out of the car.  "That's Phalen's *Dad?*" Jeff nodded and grinned while
Greg took a second glance.  "Do you guys know anyone who isn't gay?"  Jeff
smiled at his brother's tone of voice as he held the seat forward for him
to get out of the back seat of Phalen's two-door car.

Greg unfolded himself and took a moment to try and stand straight. He
nodded toward the seat just vacated and spoke in a low voice. "That's
almost as cramped as the seats on the airplane."  He shrugged his clothes
back into place.  "At least we never left the ground."

"C'mon Greg, let's go meet the neighbors.  You'll like them.  We'll just
say hi and then you can get inside and sleep, or eat, or swim, or do
whatever you want."

"Hey guys," Jeff said in greeting as he and Greg approached.  Larry had
just finished giving his son a hug and looked at Jeff giving him a
welcoming smile.  When he saw the person standing at Jeff's side, his smile
if anything, grew brighter.  "Guys, I'd like you to meet my brother.  Greg,
this is Larry, Phalen's Dad, and the one with the smooth chest is Brad
. . . my best friend."

Greg exchanged pleasantries and shook their hands but was otherwise pretty
restrained as he tried to stifle a yawn, apologizing to everyone with an
embarrassed glance, and a murmured, "jet lag."

"Jeff, you didn't tell me you guys looked so much alike."

"You think so?"  Jeff shrugged amused agreement.  "He's a lot older than
me," Jeff said in a teasing voice Greg had never heard.  He turned toward
Jeff with a slight frown.  "And he's got blue eyes.  Mine are green," Jeff
continued, smiling at his brother and ignoring his expression.  "Other than
that, I guess we're pretty much the same.  Did I mention he's older than
me?"  Greg found it difficult to reconcile the cheerfully teasing man he
was seeing with the melancholy brother he knew as he was growing up.
Jeff's behavior along with something about the easy-going smiles of Larry
and Brad put him at ease.  He felt more free than he could ever recall.
The new feeling of freedom, in addition to Jeff's playfulness banished his
fatigue.

"He forgot to tell you that along with the blue eyes, I got the looks,"
Greg quipped, drawing Jeff's surprised expression and Larry's chortle.
Even Phalen's eyes widened.

"What!  Mom always told me I was better looking,"

Greg made a sour face and shook his head.  "Yeah, well you know Mom.  The
woman has no taste."  He turned a serious expression on Larry and Brad
before he grinned at Jeff and winked.

Larry and Brad watched the two men not knowing what to think.  This was not
what they had been led to expect of Jeff's, "intense," brother, and was
definitely not the behavior they were accustomed to seeing in Jeff.

"Well, *I* have lots of taste," Phalen interrupted, and then leaned close
to his father.  "And I've seen 'em both naked," nodding toward the two
brothers.  "There's no doubt about it.  They're almost identical, except
for the eyes, that is.  On a scale of one to ten, I'd give 'em both a 9.5."
He paused a moment and then grinned.  "That's their *score,* not their
size."  Jeff playfully swatted him on the seat of his shorts making him
jump, while Greg dramatically rolled his eyes and looked skyward.  "Now, if
you wanna see a ten, you should see David, their father.  Again, his
score."

"Dad?"  Both Jeff and Greg said simultaneously, seeming genuinely surprised
at Phalen's statement.  Phalen nodded looking smug.

"Yep, and I've seen *him* naked too."  He crossed his arms and looked from
the brothers to his father and Brad seemingly very pleased with himself.

"What is it with you, young man?"  Larry laughed as his son gave him a,
'who, me?' look.

"He's horny," Jeff murmured to his brother.  Greg gave Phalen a quick
glance and moved to put a little more distance between himself and Phalen.
He turned to Jeff with a serious expression.

"Thanks for the warning."  He cast Phalen another quick glance.  "Does he
get this way often?"  Phalen silently watched the byplay between the two
brothers, completely taken off-guard.  He glanced at his father, who
returned a brief shrug.

"Only when he's breathing," Brad added with his usual impish smile,
speaking for the first time and drawing Phalen's instant attention.
"You'll become accustomed to it.  That, and his moans and groans in the
morning."

Greg looked thoughtful.  "Hmm.  I take it he's especially horny in the
morning?" He tried to look serious as he studied Phalen and then turned
toward Larry.  "I'm a doctor.  Maybe we can put him on some sort of
experimental drug.  You know?  To calm him down a bit, and give everyone a
moment's peace."  He turned to Phalen for just a moment and then looked at
Brad who was finding it difficult to not laugh, both at Greg's teasing and
at Jeff's expression as he watched his brother.

"It must be rough looking over one's shoulder all the time, wondering when
he's going to jump you."  Larry chuckled and Phalen looked from Greg to
Jeff, not knowing what to think.  His mouth moved a couple times before he
gave up trying to think of what to say.

Greg turned to Larry.  "Labs are always looking for a sucker to test those
new drugs."  He gave Phalen an appraising look.  "He seems healthy enough,
except for the perpetually horny-thing."  Larry and Brad finally couldn't
stand it any longer and began laughing, clapping Phalen on the back.  Jeff
smiled, but was still unsure what to make of his normally somber brother's
behavior.

Greg casually laid an arm across Phalen's shoulders, smiling at Larry as he
and Brad said they needed to start their run before it got any hotter.
With a wave, they began running down the street, keeping pace with one
another.  He gave Phalen a good natured pat on the back.

"Hotter," Greg silently mouthed the word, asking Jeff if he'd heard
correctly.  Jeff merely shrugged.

"Ready to head inside, men?"  Jeff glanced toward his brother who was
quietly speaking with Phalen.  He nodded and moved away, glancing over his
shoulder at the two runners who had reached the end of the block.  'Maybe
I've been worrying about having Greg here for no reason,' he thought to
himself.  'I'm going to have stop thinking of him as unapproachable.'  Jeff
flicked a glance toward Greg who continued to watch Larry and Brad's
retreating figures.

"Here Phalen, you're the athlete.  You can carry my bag.  Maybe you can
work off some of that extra energy."  Greg chuckled and turned toward Jeff,
saying something in Finnish.

"Huh?  What energy?  What did you just say?"  Phalen hefted the large bag
and followed them toward the courtyard door.  "Were you calling me names,
or something?"

Greg stopped, waiting for him to catch up.  "Nope, I just told my brother
how nice it was to meet your father and his friend."

"Oh."  Phalen looked toward Jeff, who was holding the courtyard door open
for them.  "Brad's more than Dad's friend, Greg," he said, giving Jeff a
smile as he walked past.


----------


Curt turned onto his back and covered his eyes with his arm.  The room was
hot and smelled of sex.  In fact, he could still taste his own sperm on his
tongue.  'Sperm,' he thought.  It was a taste he once thought he was
addicted to, his or anyone else's, that and the feeling of a man beneath
him, moaning with pleasure.

He had accepted the invitation of Daniel, one of his co-workers, to go to
dinner.  Afterward, they had ended up at Daniel's downtown apartment with
Daniel begging to be fucked.

The whole scene was like something out of his past . . . a past he had been
trying to overcome and forget.  Even so, his body responded to Daniel's
expert touch.  He hated himself for staying . . . for allowing himself to
be stimulated.  He tried to will himself to lose his erection but his body
betrayed him.  The door to the apartment was only a few steps away, yet he
couldn't bring himself to leave.  With the feeling of the warm mouth
surrounding his erection some of the old needs resurfaced.  His resolve,
melted as his body continued to respond to Daniel's expert touch.  He
glanced toward the door once more, and then down at the man on his knees
before him.

Seeing the blond head in front of him, hearing the moans of pleasure, and
feeling the warmth of Daniel's mouth surrounding his erection was too much.
He forgot the door to the apartment, and gave in to the sensations he was
experiencing.

He turned his back to the door.  He *wanted* Daniel.  He *wanted* to bury
himself in Daniel's ass.  He wanted to feel Daniel squirm, and beg.  He
wanted to be in control and to dominate Daniel like he had many others
before.

"Condoms," he ordered, pulling away from the man on his knees.  Daniel sat
back on his heels and looked up at Curt, and the erection, inches from his
face.

"Uh . . . "

"If you want this dick buried up your asshole, you'll give me a condom.
Otherwise, you *may* get to taste my cum, but your asshole is going to
wonder what it would be like to be stretched by this."  He grasped his
penis and slowly wiped it across Daniel's cheek, leaving a shining trail of
precum behind.  Daniel wiped a hand across his cheek and then licked it
clean.

"I don't fuck *anybody* without a condom."  He swiped his cock across
Daniel's cheek once again, grinning at Daniel's mesmerized expression. "So,
what'll it be?  Do you want a taste, or do you want to be satisfied?"  He
faced Daniel with his fists on his hips, wondering why he was suddenly
feeling angry.  His erection bobbed in front of him, a thick invitation
Daniel was finding difficult to ignore.  He glanced at Curt's penis and
then up at his face, and then came to a decision.

He scrambled across the bed and rummaged about in a drawer of a nightstand.
Curt watched the slender pale skinned young man with a vaguely feminine
body so much different than Brad's.  Daniel found what he was looking for
and then crawled back to Curt with a foil-wrapped condom and some lube.  He
held them out to Curt who almost sneered.  "That's *your* job, Mister.  I'm
here to fuck your slender white butt.  It's *your* job to get me ready."
He nodded at the condom in Daniel's hand and thrust his hips forward as he
spread his legs slightly wider apart.  "Do it."

"Yes sir."  Daniel sat back on his heels and lovingly spread a thin coat of
lube over Curt's erection before rolling the condom down its length.  He
stroked the penis a couple times before liberally coating the condom with
lube.  He looked up at Curt for instructions.

"Good work, boy.  Now, I wanna see you get yourself ready for this."  He
grabbed the base of his erection with one hand and gently tugged on his
testicles with his other.  Daniel seemed transfixed by the thick erection
springing from its base of dense black pubic hair.  Curt tugged on his
balls once more, tantalizing Daniel.

"Well?  On your back," Curt ordered, when Daniel seemed unable to take his
eyes off the sight inches from his face.  "Let me see your fingers buried
in your asshole as you get it ready."  Daniel remained on his knees,
staring at Curt's erection, his chest quickly rising and falling as he took
rapid breaths through his open mouth, totally captivated by Curt.  For his
part, Curt had surrendered to the moment.  He was no longer thinking of his
past or what he was going to feel like when he left the apartment.  The
only thing of importance was the slender blond man who had climbed onto the
bed and who now had three fingers buried deep in his own ass, stretching
himself as he liberally applied the slippery lube to his hole.

"Enough!"  Curt pushed Daniel's hand away, exposing the glistening pink
hole which pulsed in anticipation of what was to come.  Curt stepped close
to the end of the bed, grasping both of Daniel's ankles and pushing them
back to his shoulders opening him even wider.  Daniel groaned, a low sound,
deep in his chest.  His own erection lay on his stomach, pulsing each time
he tightened his sphincter.  His face was flushed, his eyes almost pleading
as he continued taking rapid breaths through his mouth.

"Please, sir," he murmured.  When he repeated the word it was barely more
than a movement of his lips.

"What did you say?"

"Please sir, fuck me," He responded, speaking louder.  "I want you in me.
Stretch me.  Work me hard.  I want to feel it tomorrow."  His voice was
low, insistent.  He looked from Curt's face to the erection, poised to
enter him, licking his lips.  "Please."  The voice had lowered until it was
not much more than a whimper.

Curt moved closer, and in one stroke buried the entire length of his
erection in Daniel's hole, ignoring the sharp intake of breath and the pain
he knew he must be causing.  He gave Daniel only a few moments to become
accustomed to the intruder before he started working his hips.  With the
first thrust, Daniel groaned a breathy, "yessss."

'This isn't the way things should be,' Curt thought as he began roughly
thrusting himself into the man below him.  'Why am I acting like this?  I'm
sure I'm hurting him.  Why is he enjoying it?'  Curt paused a moment and
looked at the man beneath him.

'Why am I doing this?'  He was frustrated and about to pull out.

Daniel grabbed at Curt's hands, still holding his ankles against his
shoulders.  "Harder, sir," he panted.  Curt blinked, and began to thrust
hard, angry that Daniel was enjoying his treatment, angry at himself.  The
bed shook with each forward thrust and combined with Daniel's almost
continuous moans of pleasure.

Daniel began to furiously stroke his own erection.  With the speed Curt was
moving he knew it couldn't be long before Curt would climax.  As their
orgasms approached, both men's breathing grew rough.  Curt closed his eyes.
He could both feel and hear the slap of his testicles against Daniel with
each powerful forward stroke.  The hole grasped his penis tightly,
surrounding him in furnace-like heat.  That plus the smell of his and
Daniel's perspiration spurred him on.  He knew Daniel wanted to be kissed,
but he . . . couldn't.

He leaned forward, resting his hands on the bed, giving himself greater
leverage as Daniel wrapped his legs around his waist.  Droplets of
perspiration fell onto Daniel's chest.  Curt watched as one drop landed on
the blond man's neatly clipped beard and then left a glistening trail over
his cheek.  Daniel eagerly licked his lips, cleaning away a second drop.

'I remember Brad doing that.'  The thought caused him to falter for a
second.  'It should *be* Brad,' he thought to himself.  'Brad should be
beneath me, not this guy.'  The momentary surge of pleasure he felt
disappeared to be replaced by the return of a simmering anger.  He was
angry at himself because he had allowed himself to give in to temptation.
He was angry with Daniel for tempting him.  He was just angry.  'It should
be Brad,' he thought once more, tightly closing his eyes and fiercely
slamming his hips forward one last time as he pumped the condom buried in
Daniel's hole full.

'If this were Brad, I wouldn't have to wear a condom.  I'd be able to feel
my own sperm surround my cock.'  The pulsing of Daniel's sphincter around
his erection signaled the man's own orgasm, as much as did Daniel's hoarse
groans and gasps for breath.  Curt propped himself up, unwilling to lie on
top of the man.  He didn't know what to do.  He and Brad would always
cuddle until they finally fell asleep.  He couldn't do that with . . . this
person.  It wasn't Daniel's fault.  Still, he felt used, and was angry with
himself for allowing anything at all to happen with a man he cared nothing
about.

'I'm a better person than this,' he groaned inwardly.

'Phalen may have been right when he said I should start seeing someone, but
*this* is not the way.'  Daniel shifted beneath him, still impaled on
Curt's firm, but slowly shrinking erection.

"Sir?" he whimpered.  "Can I taste it?"  The voice was rough with emotion.
Curt opened his eyes.  There was no doubt, Daniel was a desirable man.  The
flawless skin, the clipped beard, his dark green eyes . . . all beautiful.
He was intelligent.  He had a wonderful body.  If he wasn't already in
love, Daniel would be perfect.  The problem was, he *was* in love.  He knew
he shouldn't be here . . . doing this.  It wasn't the right thing to do.
He pulled out of Daniel's hole and stripped off the condom, looking at it
for a moment, the milky-colored latex filled with cum.  His body, his mind,
everything had betrayed him.

'Why am I here,' he wondered, inverting the condom and holding it over
Daniel's eagerly waiting mouth.  'I can't blame anyone but myself.  I
wasn't strong enough.  I can't blame Brad for leaving.'  He watched the
thick sperm drain out of the condom in a long strand, and disappear into
Daniel's open mouth.  He heard him swallow and then look up with a
tentative smile.  Daniel knew *something* was not right, but couldn't guess
what it might be.

'It's not *his* fault,' Curt thought.  '*He's* done nothing wrong.  Don't
lash out.'  He thought for a moment and then slumped onto the bed at
Daniel's side and then rolled onto his back with his arm over his eyes and
sighed.

"I've got to go," he croaked, not trusting his voice to say more.  He
uncovered his eyes and rolled his head to the side, noticing the look of
disappointment on Daniel's face.  Once again he told himself it wasn't
Daniel's fault he was feeling the things he was.

He forced a grin, trying his best to spare the man any more pain than
necessary, and then leaned close and kissed him deeply, tasting his own
sperm on Daniel's tongue.  "You've done nothing wrong," he murmured,
tenderly running a thumb along the blond man's jaw line.  "You're
wonderful.  It's just that being with you here . . . like this . . . makes
me think of someone else.  I realized I'm not over him."  He caressed
Daniel's cheek, trying to be tender and not show the discomfort that was
now bordering on revulsion.

"I've got to leave, not because of you or anything you've done, but because
of me."  He sighed when Daniel took his hand.  The man's mute understanding
was making things worse.

'It should have been Brad,' he thought, drawing away and jumping off the
bed, anxious more than ever to be away.  He skipped putting on his
underwear, stuffing them into a pocket of his pants instead.  The same with
his socks.  Those went into his jacket pocket.  He quickly tucked his shirt
tails into his slacks, and buttoned a couple buttons of his shirt, feeling
to see if he still had his wallet, car keys and phone.

'I've got to get out of here,' he thought, once more looking at the
handsome man lying on the bed watching him get dressed.

For a moment, he pitied Daniel.  He didn't deserve to be treated like this.
Curt tried to smile and then climbed onto the bed, supporting himself on
one knee as he once again kissed Daniel deeply.  Daniel put his arm around
Curt's shoulders, trying to pull him close.  He resisted and stood on shaky
legs.

He ran his fingers through his hair and headed toward the apartment's front
door, letting himself out without looking back.  He ran down the hallway,
anxiously tapping his foot as he waited for the elevator.  He punched the
button a second time and then a third.

"C'mon, c'mon," he murmured.  There was a chime and the doors began to
open.  He shouldered his way past the doors, angrily jabbing his thumb at
the button to close the doors, thankful there was no one else present to
witness his actions.  He leaned against the back of the elevator cab and
jerkily ran his splayed fingers through his hair.

'It should have been Brad,' he angrily said to himself as he stormed out of
the elevator and crossed the building's lobby, ignoring the stares of the
people standing nearby.  'I've been unfaithful.'

He slammed the door to his car and waited until the roof retracted, folding
itself into its compartment behind the back seat.  'I've done it again.  I
have no control.'  He screeched out onto the street feeling the warm air
rush past as he raced home as quickly as possible.  He wanted to take a
long hot shower in hopes it might wash away the feeling of being dirty.  'I
love Brad.'  He pounded the steering wheel in frustration, and then
lovingly ran a finger over Brad's photograph on his dashboard.

"I'm sorry," he croaked.


----------


Greg inhaled deeply in a moment of spontaneous sensuality.  A gentle
breeze, barely enough to qualify, carried the scent of night blooming
flowers.  He leaned back in the patio chair with his hands behind his head
enjoying the gentle evening warmth.  The palms in Jeff's backyard were dark
green silhouettes against a watermelon-pink sky.  A single bird flew
overhead seeking home before nightfall, the flapping of wings the only
sound.

"Ahhhhh."  He exhaled a long contented breath.  'Things here are so
peaceful.  It's almost as if I've started over with my life . . . like I'm
being given a second chance.  The problem is, I don't know where to start.
I'm afraid the same things will happen here as back home.  I don't want to
be laughed at again.'  He inhaled slowly, trying to calm himself.  'Face
it,' he chided himself.  'You're a coward, pretending everything is fine.
Who are you trying to fool?'

He could still hear the laughter of his fellow medical student at his
fumbling attempts at lovemaking.  It was his first time with a woman, and
it was awful.  Her laughter turned to ridicule when he lost his erection.
The same thing happened with the two men he'd attempted sex with.  On both
occasions he was so afraid of not being able to perform, his worst fears
were realized.  He closed his eyes and shivered at the memories, the
pleasantly warm evening did nothing to hide the cold dread coming from
within.

There were no words to describe the feelings of envy each time he saw Jeff
and Phalen embrace.  Just yesterday, Phalen walked into the kitchen,
wrapping his arms around Jeff's waist and looking over Jeff's shoulder as
he prepared dinner, never saying anything, just trying to be close.  Greg
thought of the times he caught Jeff wearing a contented smile as he
silently watched Phalen at some task.  When Phalen realized he was being
watched and looked up, Jeff's smile would blossom.  At times, the
tenderness they showed to one another was almost embarrassing in its
tenderness.

He was certain he wasn't alone in envying Jeff and Phalen's relationship.
On the few occasions Phalen's father had been over to visit, Greg had
caught him watching the two men with something akin to longing.  When Larry
realized he was being watched he gave Greg a shy grin and looked away both
from Greg, and from his son and Jeff.  He was left wondering why Larry's
expression had been so wistful.

It gave him a strange sort of comfort knowing someone else he knew might be
searching for the same thing he was.  He had lain awake on a couple
occasions wondering exactly what it was Larry was searching for.  He and
Brad seemed devoted to one another.  He remembered Larry commenting that
the two of them didn't have a chance to spend enough time together, due
either to his job or Brad's.  'Maybe that's his problem,' Greg remembered
thinking one evening, just before he finally fell asleep.  On one occasion
when both men were visiting, he remembered Brad snuggling close as Larry
draped an arm over his shoulder.

'Why would Larry be envious of his son's relationship?  There *had* to be
something more to it . . . something he wasn't aware of.'  He shook his
head slightly and sighed once more, noticing how the sky had changed from a
pink to a light purple.  The fading rays of the sun painted the wisps of
clouds, a gossamer white against the darkening backdrop.  There was a
sudden rustling of the night birds in the trees overhead, just as quickly
fading away.

He twisted and looked over his shoulder at the sound of a patio door
opening.

"Hei."  Jeff used a Finnish greeting, giving him a tentative smile as he
dragged a chair over to the table where Greg was sitting.  Greg folded the
newspaper he had been reading earlier and turned to his brother.

"Hei, mit^Ê kuuluu," he continued, asking how Jeff was.  The answer was a
slight grin accompanied by a shrug.

Jeff was wearing the ubiquitous red nylon running shorts, with a side slit
going to the waist.  He drew his bare feet up onto the front edge of the
chair and wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his chin on his knees.
It was the same pose Greg had seen him in many times as a child, sitting on
the window seat in his room staring out over the neighboring park.

"I'm fine."  Jeff's response seemed half hearted.

"You don't look fine." Greg leaned forward, resting his forearms on the
table.  "Is everything okay?"  Jeff gave him a crooked grin.

"I've been talking with Larry.  He's not happy at work."  He looked at his
brother with a distracted grin.  "It bothers me to see other people
unhappy, especially Larry.  He's been through so much.  He deserves a
little happiness in his life."

"Aren't he and Brad doing okay?  They seem to dote on one another."  Greg
felt slightly guilty, asking a question he had been curious to know the
answer to.

Jeff heaved a sigh and stretched his legs out in front of himself, crossing
them at the ankle.  "I honestly don't know how to answer that.  They've
both got a lot on their mind right now.  Larry's distracted by all his work
stuff, and Brad's seems unable to move on after Curt."  His soft snort
carried a meaning but signified nothing to Greg.

"Was this Curt person a bad guy?  What caused them to split up?"

Jeff took a deep breath.  "Curt fooled around behind Brad's back, and no,
he's not a bad guy, really.  He's sort of a pathetic figure right now.
He's beating himself for causing the break up.  I think that he only now
realizes that he really did love Brad."  He grinned slightly.  "It's sort
of like a story in a book.  Right now, most of the characters are
miserable."

He softly snorted and abruptly shook his head as if banishing troubling
thoughts, glancing at his brother and smiling.  "I'm really glad you're
staying with us, Greg."  The pool lights cast flickering shadows over his
features.  "I've always been sorry we weren't closer when we were growing
up.  You were just enough older than me to keep us from having much in
common."  Greg could barely see Jeff's crooked smile.

"I always remember being a little awed by you, your drive, your
intelligence . . . everything.  I always wanted to be like you, but I never
felt close enough to you to tell you what I felt.  I found myself imitating
you though.  I wanted to be just like you.  I always wished we did things
together, but I was too young.  So, I ended up watching you from a
distance."  His voice trailed off until it was barely above a whisper.  "I
needed a friend."

He seemed to catch himself before he said more.  He cleared his throat and
grinned.  "Maybe the two of us can finally find the time to really get to
know one another.  I'd like nothing better than for my big brother to also
be my best friend."  He swallowed past a lump in his throat.

"I'd like that too, Jeff.  You have no idea how much."  He chuckled a
moment.  "Here, you're telling me you envied me as we were growing up.  Now
that we're adults, it's me who is envying you."  He could see Jeff's
expressive eyebrows rise in query.

"You've got the thing that I dream of . . . a partner to love.  The need is
like an ache in my gut; one that lingers.  Sometimes it's barely
noticeable.  Other times it hurts so much I can think of nothing else."  He
gave his brother a crooked smile.  "Since you and Phalen visited Mother and
Dad and me back in Finland, the ache has grown until I can hardly bear it."

"I see happy people all around me and wonder where I went wrong."  He bowed
his head for a moment.  "Before you say anything, I know I haven't done
something wrong, really."  He paused a moment and watched his brother's
solemn expression.

"You know, Jeff.  I once heard a professor of mine say to someone that one
can't give happiness to anyone who doesn't have it in them."  He took a
deep breath.  "Sometimes, I wonder if I have it in me.  At times I feel so
. . . empty."

Jeff reached across the table and gave his brother's hand a brief squeeze.
"You have it in you.  If you didn't I don't think you'd be worried about
it."

"You think so?  Truly?"

Jeff nodded.  "I do.  I had to work hard to find mine.  Sometimes, I almost
gave up.  I'm glad I didn't."  He gave his brother an encouraging grin.
"You'll find what you're looking for, Greg."  He paused a moment.  "We'll
find it together."

The front door slammed and both men looked into the house, welcoming the
distraction from a conversation that was becoming too emotionally laden.

"Where is everyone," Phalen shouted.  He saw them sitting on the patio and
stalked through the living room, dropping his book bag and gym bag on the
floor with a muffled thud.  He stepped into the open doorway and stood with
his fists on his hips, looking upset.

"I'm a baseball player!  I'm not on the friggin' track team for pity sake!"
He flopped down onto a lawn chair and almost immediately stood and began to
pace, waving his arms.  "I have one class in a nice building on the corner
of campus.  It's on the *fifth* floor, by the way.  Suddenly, at some
invisible signal everyone jumps up and rushes out of the room like there's
a fire."

"Damn, I'm slow.  It took me a second to figure out that the class was
over.  The teacher and I were left staring at one another.  Do you realize,
I had to haul my ass in ten minutes all the way across that *city* they
call a campus, to the fourth floor of another building."  He turned and
looked at them, his fists once again resting on his hips.  "I managed to
arrive after what had to be a record-setting pace.  Picture it.  I'm
running at top speed, juggling all my worldly belongings in those two
bags."  He nodded to the two discouraging lumps on the floor immediately
inside the door, and then huffed and puffed a couple times, for effect.
"Then I discover that the elevator's broken, so everyone has to trek up
those steps like so many buffalo in a stampede."

"And then . . . and *then,* the dried up old stick someone calls a
professor, taps his watch with a claw and tells us that he was *never* late
for class when he was in college."  Phalen whipped around, ignoring the
grins of the two men seated close by.  "Probably wasn't late 'cause he went
to college in a one-room school house out on the friggin' prairie
someplace."  He flopped onto the chair again, looking from Greg to Jeff,
trying not to grin and break the mood he'd created.

He leaned back and threw his head back and laughed.

"I'm awful aren't I?"

Greg laughed and applauded.  "No, I thought you were quite good. Was that
part of a performance for a drama class, or something?"  He ducked as
Phalen mimed throwing something at him.  Jeff merely shook his head,
pleased to hear his brother laugh.

"We have a smart ass staying with us, Jeff."  Phalen stretched his legs out
in front of him and absently reached for Jeff's hand, glancing at him with
a fleeting expression that was tender enough to almost make Greg cry.
"Just what the world needs . . . a funny doctor."



~ to be continued ~



Thank you for taking the time to read my work.  I *always* welcome your
email and enjoy hearing your thoughts.  If you would like me to send a pic
of the character(s), please ask.

In addition to the first 'Phalen' story, I have three other stories you may
want to read.  'Leith,' and 'Chris' are located in the Nifty College
Section.  The third story is called 'Wesley', and is located in the Adult
Relationships section.  I hope you enjoy them all.

Best wishes,

Roy Reinikainen
roynm@mac.com
suomalainen_abq@mac.com