From: ascaridata@geocities.com (Ascaridata)
Subject: Slow Step
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 1996 17:40:15 GMT
Organization: The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, Texas

Slow Step

Caution: This story may contain materials mature in nature. Readers'
discretion is advised. This story DOESN'T imply any of the writer's
personal belief. All names and numbers are fictitious. Constructive advice
is welcome.

**********************************

Every step is slow and incoherent; however when all the steps add together,
you may find yourself at where you want to be.

**********************************

Chapter 1 Listless Night

	It was still cold although the new year had passed almost a
month. There were not too many people on the street since it was Monday
night. It was very night, people with family and friends were already with
people they wanted to be. The rest kind of stayed on the street with
nothing to do. Silence and dark help to bleed some desire for some people,
and Marc is no exception. In his darkest side of himself, he wanted to
relief his anguish with his physical burden. He had been in few gay bars
but luck seemed to be away from him that night. There was simply no guy he
thought he wanted to sleep with or guys he wanted to sleep with simply
didn't like his idea. It was getting late, he was a bit drunk. The music in
the bar seemed to be a bit boring and he decided to get some fresh air by
going out to the back yard. Usually, there were some activities in the back
yard, but the cold weather and the Monday seemed to change the normality.
It was very empty in the back yard. The moon was high and the place was
amazingly well lit by the moon. There he saw a guy. It was hard to see
clearly first since Marc was a bit drunk and the moon was just too bright
and big for a drunken. His eyes started to use to the light. That guy had a
pair of big eyes he had never seem, so watery, as if he had been crying.
Marc couldn't really tell had that guy been really crying or it was just
the light. Besides the eyes, his lips were also very thin. He was of a slim
body type and Marc knew he wanted him. Finally got the drunken mind to
think, with a bit help from the growing pressure from the groin, he started
to walk to that guy.

	"Hi."

	No answer. That guy looked at Marc as if he was made of glass.

	"Mmmm," tried to clear the throat, "tonight the moon sure is
different."

	Marc put his hand on his shoulder before the sentence was finished.
That guy quickly shook his shoulder, without looking back, and left. Marc
was furious. It was no the first time he got rejected; however, the way
that guy looked at him, and also the fact that a few guys had rejected him
that night totally enraged him. Sex is something powerful. He thought as
soon as he got laid, he would be all right. Now he knew he wouldn't be able
to sleep, not just because of the desire, but also of the anguish. If that
was another guy rejected him, Marc would still be fine. However, something
was different with that guy. Marc simply couldn't expect rejection from a
guy like that. It was getting late. Marc decided to go. Before he left, he
went to the bathroom to empty his bladder. He looked at himself and the
movement the current moved. He used to be proud of his size But tonight, no
one seemed to appreciate he and he started to curse himself having a big
himself while there was no one to sleep with. The full sensation was still
here in his groin and he knew it was no the bathroom the place he could use
some help. The more he looked at himself the more he hated that guy. He
felt like he was totally naked when that guy looked at him as if he was not
there. He zipped him, carefully not to let himself hurt anymore, and walked
out. It was very quiet and he decided to walk home. Then he saw that guy
was still at the corner. He was walking very slowly to a very dark corner.
Obviously, that guy wasn't paying any attention walking. If he had, he
wouldn't walk into an unsafe area. Marc was like under a spell following
him. The full sensation, and the alcohol made him start to think like his
penis. He just wanted to grab that guy, take off his pant from his helpless
body, and shoot a load inside of him. Why not? Everybody do something wrong
sometime, and there is no saint. Doesn't the world treat Marc unfair? Why
can't Marc do what the world has done to him? So closed, almost totally
silence. He was sweating and the chance was here. Completely silent, dark
and that guy certainly was asking for trouble. Then he saw him turned into
a corner. It's time, he told himself. Suddenly he heard a loud noise, as if
someone was hit. Then some kind of humming noise as if someone' mouth was
covered by something by force. Some fabric tearing sound. He rushed in. He
was totally stunned by what he saw. The guy was bleeding on his head and
there was another guy trying to take off his cloth. Marc didn't need to be
a genius to know what it was about. Obviously, the rapist was stunned, too,
and he run away as fast he could. Quiet again. Only Marc and that guy in
the street. That guy was hit hard at his head. He almost lost his
consciousness.  Marc left him up. He felt warmth from that guy's
body. There was so much life in that guy that Marc felt guilty of what he
had in mind a while ago. He understood why that rapist was afraid to be
seem and run away and Marc was ashamed of his understanding. That guy
seemed to gain so strength back.

	"Are you doing all right?"

	"I guess."

	"Don't you know it is unsafe to walk in here so late."

	"I wasn't paying attention."

	"You'd better pay more attention next time. I don't want those
straight people think we are all rapists."

	Silence again. Marc realized it maybe a opportunity for him.

	"So, what's your name?"

	"Zack."

	"Could you walk?" 

	Zack was sitting on the road, without lifting his head and looking
at Marc.

	"I need some time to sit."

	"Let me take you home. Come on."

	"But...."

	"Don't forget I am the one who rescue you. You have to let people
help you some time." Without waiting the answer Marc lift up Zack. Marc was
amazed how easy to lift Zack up. He felt the body warmth again. He
remembered there was once he didn't need to go out to bar to feel the
body. He had a boyfriend once, but he left him because he said he "doesn't
understand anything."

	**********************************

    	Now, they were at Zack's apartment. Look's like Zack was a college
student. Marc knew he should let Zack rest but he wanted to have his
telephone number so that he could call him.

	"Zack, are you doing better now?"

	"Thanks, I am doing a lot better."

	"I guess I'd better go so that you can have some rest. By the way,
could I have your telephone number?" Marc hesitated a while, continued, "So
that, I can call to see if you are all right tomorrow."

	"Thanks, my phone number is 221 6903."

	"Bye now."

	"You too."

	*******************************

	That night Marc had a very weird dream. He dreamed of two pairs of
eyes. They were looking at each other and he was scared. Then he woke up.
It was still early. It was rare for him to wake up bright and early. He
decided to try his luck to call Zack later in the evening. The day seemed
to be usual and he couldn't wait to call Zack after work.

	"Hi"

	"Are you Zack?"

	"Yes, I am."

	"It's me, Marc. The guy you met last night. I was wondering if you
want to have something to eat tonight."

	"Well, I eat every night."

	"No, I mean would you going with me to eat tonight."

	"How are about some coffee?"

	"Good, what time?"

	"How about nine?"

	"Sound great."

	Coffee, Marc thought, it's funny. He had never been really a coffee
guy. He sure likes beer. Coffee. Marc started to wonder what kind of guy
Zack was.  Zack seemed to be different, so quiet, so "slow", and so...quiet
again, he guessed.  Finally in the coffee shop, Marc had his first coffee
date with Zack It was a totally different experience. Zack seemed to talk a
bit more.  Most of the time, Marc only listened. He wanted to talk, too,
but he didn't know much about the stuffs Zack said. Biology, religion,
philosophy, fine arts, music, and so on. Marc had barely completed his high
school. He only knew these by their names. Who cares about religion and
philosophy when you have to work 12 hours a day to support yourself. Marc's
mother died when he was very young. His father was alcoholic, Both of his
parents were British.  He remembered his dad used to curse him with his
heavy northern British accent when he was drunk. Alcohol is funny. Marc
thought he would never drink like his father but he ended up just like his
dad. Who really knows all the to-be society pillars will be people just
like us?  Coffee, alcohol.  Funny combination, Marc thought.  Marc was
getting a bit bored by what Zack was talking about. He noticed Zack talked
a lot but all the stuffs he talked were about what he learned in
college. He seldom mentioned his friends or family.

	Marc asked, "So, do you mind telling me what happened last night?
The way you looked at people last night was very different from now."

	Pause. Ask if it was a wrong question. Zack suddenly acted like
last night. His eyes once again looked so far away that Marc knew there
must be something.

	"I broke up with my ex."

	"Sorry."

	"No, it was okay. I know someday I have to do it."

	"So what happened?"

	"He suggested a threesome and I was so angry that I told me I
didn't want to see him again. He suddenly started to kiss me and I pushed
him away and left."

	Marc suddenly remembered last night he wanted to do the same thing
to Zack.

	"It is getting late I want to go now."

	"It is only ten. Do you want to come to my apartment to listen to
some music?"

	"Well, I don't go to people's home on the first date."

	Date? Marc thought it was only coffee. To he, a date is something
people talk, then drink, then fool around, and .... He was glad Zack
regarded it was a date.

	"OK, I guess we'd better go. Could I call you tomorrow?"

	"Sure, bye."


Chapter 2 The eyes of Marc himself

	That night, Marc couldn't stop thinking of Zack. There was
something different about him. Marc had slept with so many guys that he
couldn't even named all of them. How come this one guy could make him think
that way? He doesn't know. He was getting sleepy but he couldn't sleep. So
many things were on his mind. He decided to washed up for. When he looked
himself in the mirror, still sleepy, he saw Zack was looking at him from
the mirror.  Amazed and shocked, he knew it was almost impossible. He
looked more carefully, and only to find out those were his eyes. He started
to understand why Zack's eyes were so special. They were exactly like
Marc's.  Marc remembered once he used to think like Zack. Once he thought
about going to college and meeting new people. Then something happened to
him before graduation. Marc hated to think about it. He thought he was over
with it. So many years now, why he still remembered it? He knew it was the
rule of the world that he should forget that and play by the rule. He
thought he would never have to remember that incidence again or he would
just laugh at it but he couldn't. Zack reminded Marc of his past. Those
pair of innocent eyes of a college kid could make a mature guy become
naive sometime. He remembered it was about high school graduation, he
had a tremendous crush on the football coach. He remembered he used to
stare at the coach. When he was in the football team, he would try to prove
himself even it may upset other players. He wanted the coach noticed
him. He didn't know what is homosexuality. What he knew was that he wanted
the coach to like him, pay attention to him, and to praise him. One night,
coach asked Marc to stay after the usual practice because he needed some
personal training. Marc was sure ecstatic because this meant coach really
had paid attention to him. . After the personal training, coach told him to
take a shower and wait for him in the small prayer's chapel besides the
gym. Marc knew coach was a very devoted Christian and he thought coach must
want to convert him into a Christian. Well, when Marc went into the chapel,
it was dark. The coach said, "Let's pray." Marc sat along with coach and
closed his eyes. Suddenly he felt when there something on his thighs. Then
the hands moved closer to the groin. Marc was scared and he didn't know
what to do. It was the first time he had sexual experience with a man. They
later had several more "personal training" and Marc started to enjoy the
sex. To Marc, it was like a dream. The man he dreamed of, not just only
paid attention to him, but also made love to him and told him he loved him.
One night, the coach asked him to stop by his house. He did, and there were
three other men. He thought coach was going to introduce him to his
friends.  At first, they were only talking some usual stuff. Then they
started to talk about sex and coach started to kiss Marc. One thing led to
another, and Marc ended up in bed with three guys. Marc was confused. He
thought he and coach were going to be lovers. He sure liked the sex but he
was confused. The special "personal training" had taken too much time of
Marc and his GPA started to drop, and this made his dad angry.

	"You bastard. I want to you to study well so that you don't have to
like me working like a dog. Now you are going to drop out...." The sentence
still had not yet finished and his dad slapped him. He knew there was no
way talking to his dad when he was drunk. Moreover, what could he say?
Spending too much time with boyfriend? Trouble with gay relationship? Marc
just left, slamming the door and drove to coach's house. There was no one
he could think of except the coach. When he rang the bell, the door didn't
open until a few minutes. There was coach standing besides the door and a
female: "What's that, honey?"

	Coach looked at Marc, frown, and said, "You have to go. I have
guest in here." The woman walked out of the living room and now standing
next the coach.

	"Is he your student? Why don't you let him in?" "It is kind of
late. He only wants to know something about the game next week."

	"OK, honey" She kissed on his cheek and vanished up the staircase.

	"Who's she?" Marc asked. He guessed he knew the answer but he hoped
coach would tell him he was wrong.

	"My fiance."

	Marc was silent. He didn't know what to say.

	"Marc, you are a big kid now. There are things you don't
understand.  There are rules in this world and being gay is not socially
acceptable. When you can't beat the system, join them. Let go for a walk
and I will tell you more."

	That night, they walked to a very quiet and they had their last
sex. Marc started to understand why gay men are more promiscuous than
straight men. When outer culture and norm are contradictory to what you are
inside. There are simply no rules to follow and gay men have to make up
their norms so that they can have a culture even the culture is weak and
unstable. They simply have no choice.

	Marc dropped out. He decided to be on his own and he worked. He
started to learn the rules, use them and be like them. He met quite a few
guys but he could never feel the same way he had felt for his first one.
When everybody doing the same thing , you start to follow and you begin to
forget what you really want to do. It is life. Marc told himself. It's
life. He began to think more of himself to the point that he would only
think of himself. He remembered there were time he would try to get his
dates drunk and take advantage of them. He remembered he used to like to
get high with some cute guys so that he could have sex with them. One led
to another and last night he even wanted to force Zack.... He stopped. He
began to see the pattern. He's gone too far and Zack reminded him of
himself. That pair of eyes he found on Zack were actually his. Another part
of Marc was trying to tell Marc something and the other part of Marc was
determined to eliminate the conscience by trying to ruin Zack physically.
He had to stop now. He was tired and he was confused, by both he himself
and Zack.


Chapter 3 Laura

It was eleven in the morning and thanked God Marc didn't have to go to work
early since he worked late shift today. He worked in a gay bookstore, and
usually by himself. All the customers were gay except a few of them. When
it was late, sometime some customers made passes to him and he may get laid
several times in one night, depended on his mood. He absolutely didn't feel
it tonight since no customers, in his eyes, were as good as Zack, although
he couldn't tell if he and Zack could hit it off. They were so different.

	It was almost 2am now and it was very quiet. There were some guys
tried to made passes to him but he just simply ignored them. He usually
would let them, at least, give him a blow job since he thought he had
nothing to lose. But now, everything changed.

	The door was opened. It was Laura, one of his best friends. Laura
was a lesbian, and she worked for the Museum of fine art of the city. Once
in awhile she would stop by and chat with Marc. Well, besides working in a
gay bookstore, Marc also sold drugs.

	"Any news lately, Marc?"

	"Tell you what. I have met a very cute guy and I think I really
like him."

	"You mean you finally found someone you can fall in love with?"

	"Well, I don't know. He is very different. He is kind of
younger. Those college-kid-type guy."

	"What's wrong with it? Many gay men like guys younger."

	"Well, we are very different."

	"Oh, I see. So, what do you guys do mostly besides having sex."

	"We haven't had sex yet. Usually we went to coffee shop and his
apartment listening to music."

	"No sex? You must be kidding. Marc with no sex. I thought I saw
your picture with the Caption "SEX" in the encyclopedia. They must have a
new edition."

	"You don't understand. I really like him and I don't want to push
and risk anything. I want him to think I am one of his kind."

	"Jesus, you sound like you are having a temperature. Now, many of
those horny guys who come here must be disappointed."

	"I can't always let guys I don't like touching me."

	"What about women?" Laura leaned forward. Her hands almost touched
his penis.

	"Only beautiful women."

	"You SOB." Laura hit him not too hard on his arm, and continued,
"Why not you, him and me went out together and have some coffee some
time. Maybe I can help you with him."

	"How?"

	"Just trust me."

	"Sounds great."

	"Yep, any new stuff?"

	"I have some but I think you have been doing too much lately.'

	"There are two things I must have: pussy and heroin. Just give me
my stuff or I will bug you for the whole night."

	"All right, just be careful."

	Laura took a small plastic bag from Marc and left.


[The next day]

	The phone rang. Marc picked up the phone. It was Laura.

	"Hey, Marc. Any fuckin' to do tonight?"

	"Is that the way artists talk?"

	"I do those arts only for a living. I am so bored. Do you have any plan tonight?"

	"I am going to see a concert with Zack."

	"Great. Can I come?"

	"Well, I don't know."

	"See, you told me you want Zack to think you are one of his
kind. If you take me, he is going to think all your friends are artists."

	"Yeah, third class artist."

	"I am trying to help you."

	"I will see if that is OK with Zack. Let me call you back later."

	Marc called Zack and told him about Laura. Obviously Zack was
interested to meet Laura. Marc was a bit unhappy. He thought he could spend
some quality time with Zack but he didn't want to upset Zack by telling him
his feeling. He didn't want to risk anymore. The more he had to risk, the
more he felt like a loser. He remembered when he was in elementary school,
there was a special program in which students would exchange diaries with
each other so that they would know their classmates better. There was a
very pretty girl and Marc wanted to exchanged diary with. He knew he would
never be able to get to close to her. He was so common. Everyday, he would
try to look for chance to talk to her and ask her to exchange diary with.
Day by day, he was too chicken to ask and his diary would just stay in his
drawer with pages and pages written. At the end of the term, he ended up
the only one who had not completed the assignment and the teacher described
him to his dad as "unfriendly, in-cooperative, and quiet." His dad was
ashamed of that incident and Marc had suffered quite a bit from this. He
looked up at the window thinking what had happened to him. What if he
didn't have an abusive father, would he be straight? What if his mom be
still alive? Maybe he would be straight? And what about his ex? If he knew
how much Marc had changed, would he come back to him?  He knew he had to
stop thinking and let his tiny brain rest.

	It was about time for the concert, and he went out. Laura was
already there and Zack came in about a minute or so. He introduced Laura to
Zack and they, no surprise, found each other interesting to talk with. Marc
felt like he had been left out as if there were something he could grasp
but it just slipped away. The rest of the day Marc couldn't remember
well. The day was full with the voices of Zack and Laura. The man he loved
so much would rather talk to a lesbian than him. He was a bit mad. Suddenly
he could feel there was a tightness across his chest. He found breathing
hard. Dizzy, angry, tired, Marc decided to go home early. Neither Zack or
Laura noticed what happened and they didn't try to ask Marc to stay for a
while. They were just too occupied with their conversation.

	Marc felt so much better when he left them. He felt like a jerk. He
had never feel this way before. Why he cared so much for the attention of
Zack. He remembered he used to be ignored. He was boring and simple, and he
knew about that. So, he usually hide himself in public and used to be
ignored. But why this time.... Jealousy? He didn't know. He walked and
walked and didn't really care where he was heading. Someone asked him for
some changes and he stopped and looked around. He saw the bar he used to
frequent. He walked in, asked for several beers, and some gin. He could
feel the burning sensation in his throat but he liked it. The burning
sensation burnt away some of the guilty feeling he had. Didn't know what
time but he sure was drunk as a fish. He left and knew he had to ask for a
sick day tomorrow. He walked and walked and coincidentally it was about a
block to Zack's apartment. He was bold, superficially because of the
alcohol and he decided to get what he wanted to have. He rang the bell,
then started to bang on the door. Zack opened the door.

	"You?! What's up?" Zack asked with his eyes half open and half
closed.  Marc, without a word, stumped into the apartment. He closed the
door with his feet and held Zack with his arms.

	"What's your problem? Lemme go!" Zack struggled with so much force
Marc was shocked.

	"You really hate me, do you?"

	"No, just let me go."

	Marc held him even harder. With his weight, he pressed against Zack
to the ground. He pressed his lips against Zack's. His lips were warm and
soft. Marc liked it. The desire controlled him. Zack could smell the
alcohol from Marc's breath. Zack was terrified. He tried to scream but Marc
had his mouth closed with his mouth. Marc started to put his hand under
Zack's clothe. Smooth, the type he liked. His hand moved further until he
could touch Zack's pubic hairs. He wanted to feel Zack. He wanted to have
Zack. He looked up and tried to kiss Zack. The struggle stopped. Marc was
surprised a bit and he looked up. There was Zack, with his big eyes,
starring at infinity. His eyes were wet but he was quiet. He was so
lifeless and that remind Marc of something he knew better than anyone. His
sex started to lose his stubbornness. Zack pushed Marc aside and stood up.

	"So you are not going to do it?"

	"....."

	"You want to rape me just like the time we met."

	Marc was shocked. How did he know? He didn't tell anyone 

	"How do you know?"

	Zack tried to clean himself up a little bit and said, "It's easy.
Anyone with a brain can figure out. Why would you be there so late,
following me? You don't even live there and there was no reason for you to
be there except this.'

	Suddenly Marc couldn't see anything. A think mass of blackness
covered his eyes. He wished the blackness could be think enough to cover
Zack too but it couldn't. his eyes were so bright that Marc couldn't
escape. He opened the door and left. He didn't know what to say or to
do. He had no excuse to defend himself before Zack.