Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2007 16:14:33 -0400
From: heavensforlife@aol.com
Subject: They Say Chapter 36

**General disclaimer. Don't read if you know you shouldn't or doing so will
offend you. Contains depictions of gay sex.**


They say that decision making is all about weighing the risk with the
return. They say the easiest decisions to make are those in which the
return is far greater than the risk.

	Denton- "I thought we were going fishing."
	"Nope," Taylor replied to me. "We're going swimming." He was
pouring himself a little cranberry juice inside half a glass of vodka. He
added a twist of lime and turned around with a wide grin on his face.
	"This is how we fish," Preston said. He was making himself a very
potent mimosa. He passed Justin the bottle of champagne, who proceeded to
take a long swig from the bottle. "We come out here every couple of weeks
and get shitty. It's how we bond."
	I laughed. Again, I felt like I was being initiated into their
club. It was refreshing. I took the bottle of champagne from Justin and was
about to take my own swig when Preston stopped me.
	"I have a special drink for you," he said.
	"Oh, my," I responded. Everyone was all smiles.
	"You're always such a bartender," Justin sad. He and Taylor were
getting ready to do a Gold Schlager shot.
	I watched as Preston poured equal parts vodka, cranberry and orange
juice and a splash of sprite. "It's the drink I made. Try it."
	I did and it was the best thing I'd ever taken.
	"I hope you like, Denton," Justin said from behind me. "Preston
only makes those for people right before the clothes come off and the body
shots start."
	"Woohoo!" Taylor screamed, heading to the pool, ripping this shirt
off. "Let the body shots start!"

	Jesse- The first thing I did when I got home was call Furgy. I
could have easily gone to his house and talked to him, but I didn't really
feel like being around anyone right then. I think he sensed something was
wrong because he kept the conversation short. Usually I had to come up with
an excuse to hang up, but this time he said he was busy and he had to go. I
hadn't gathered enough courage to tell him I'd seen Brooklyn, so I just
decided to do it tonight at dinner. I felt like shit the rest of the day.

	Zach- I heard it faintly at first, then louder and louder. Before I
could blink, Charles was outside of my door, waking me and Shane up
screaming, "I'm getting married. I'm getting married!"
	He sounded elated, like a kid in a candy store. I didn't understand
what he was saying at first, but as soon as it sunk in, I bolted upright,
taking all the covers with me, and ran to the door. Shane lay in his
briefs, curled up and waking up slowly.
	"What the fuck is going on?" he yawned as I opened the door.
	"You're what?!?"
	"I," he said slowly. "Am getting married!" Charles' smile was
huge. I'd never seen him show so much emotion before. He looked like he was
going to die with excitement. "Oh my god," he said, probably realizing the
magnitude of what he was saying as his entire demeanor changed. He
retreated to the couch and sunk down. "Oh my god, Zach. I'm getting
married."
	"That's what you said. How did this happen?" I was in
shock. Legitimate, pure, utter shock.
	"Well me and Madison were having sex this morning," he began.
	"Naturally."
	"And we started talking." He noticed my face change. "I know. We're
one of those couples that talks during sex, I guess. But he started talking
about how old he was getting and I thought he was going to propose, so I
was like `Oh shit, please don't propose.' And so he asked me to move in
with him and when he did I felt a little disappointed. And he asked why I
was disappointed and I had to tell him that I thought he'd propose and so
he said we should get married eventually, not soon but eventually and I
said ok and then he left and I realized that
I... AM... GETTING... MARRIED!"
	"You're what?" Shane asked coming into the room. He'd decided to
put on a too-tight wife beater, but he'd neglected to put on a pair of
shorts. Instead he decided to parade around in his little-boy briefs.
	"This meat is officially off the market, boys," Charles said. I'd
never seen him so excited. There wasn't a trace of nerves in his body. He
was a completely different Charles than I'd met at the beginning of the
year.
	I couldn't help feeling a little bit jealous. I was the marrying
kind, after all. I was supposed to be the Charlotte to his Samantha. He was
supposed to have the sex. I was supposed to the relationships. I couldn't
complain though, because what I had with Shane was great, and the only two
people I'd come close to a lifetime commitment with had screwed me over
like none other. So while part of me felt happy for Charles, another part
couldn't help but be envious.
	"When?" Shane was asking.
	"Not sure," Charles replied. "We aren't even going to start
planning it for at least a few years. I think Madison just needed a
guarantee so that he didn't feel like he was wasting his time."
	"Fair enough," I said.
	"I guess," Charles said. "Imagine me- all settled down, a family
man. Can you even picture that?"
	I honestly couldn't. "I honestly can't," I said. "But I'm sure
you'll be fine."
	"Hopefully," Charles said. "God. If someone had told me this is
where I'd be a year ago, I swear I would have sent them to the insane
asylum. But it's weird. I actually love Madison and I didn't realize it
until last night."
	"What happened last night?" Shane asked.
	"Yeah," I added. "What did happen last night? You were gone for a
really long time."
	"I got upset. Brooklyn's text was complete bullshit. Jesse could
have sent it I guess, but when I showed up, the two of them were fucking
right there and I flipped out. Brooklyn and I yelled a little bit and I
just walked around campus for a while thinking. I didn't know what to
think, but I eventually realized that I'd made the right choice."
	There was a few minutes of complete silence as Charles sat there
beaming.
	"God," he said finally. "I can't believe this is real. I am
actually going to spend the rest of my life with one person. How 18th
century of me."
	"I'm proud of you, Charles," I said getting up from the table and
walking into the kitchen. I wasn't just saying it. I was proud of him. And
happy for him. And thrilled. But there was still that tiny part of me that
was some kind of jealous.

	Denton- "Lets play truth or dare," Preston suggested.
	"Ok," Taylor said sarcastically. "Let's play truth or dare... or
why don't the two straight guys go ahead and pair off with a gay guy right
now and get it over with."
	"I call Justin," I said without even thinking. My tongue was looser
than usual, but no one seemed to mind. Instead we all laughed.
	It felt really strange to me just how much they were letting me
into the club. It felt good to be a part of something that didn't involve
fraternity or secret meetings. They eventually settled on playing Never
Have I Have because it was the most fair game and it didn't involve any of
the gay guys hitting on the straight ones.
	"Never have I ever been in a three-some," was the first question. I
took a drink along with Preston and Justin. Taylor was the only one who
hadn't. Before Preston was set to go, he looked at me and cleared his
throat.
	"What?" I asked, confused. "I took a drink."
	"I know, we all saw. Now you have to take off an article of
clothes."
	"Whoa," I said. I was starting to get a little tipsy but I wasn't
drunk yet. "I've never played with those rules."
	"Those are the `We're All Men Here' rules," Taylor said.
	"Or the `Preston Wants to See Us All Naked' rules," Justin chimed
in.
	"So what's it gonna be?" Preston said. He was close enough to me to
put one hand on my shorts and the other on my shirt. "Shorts or shirt?"
	"I'll go with shirt," I said. And as Preston began lifting my shirt
over my raised hands, I added, "I prefer to leave some to the imagination."
	An hour later, we were all sloshed, I had confessed to doing way to
many things and all of us were down to our underwear and socks. I was
getting wasted with every passing drink and I knew I wasn't the only one.
	"Never have I ever been in love," Taylor slurred. Preston drank. I
raised my glass to drink, but decided that I hadn't been in love so I put
my glass back down. Preston saw the entire thing and for some reason
decided that I'd hesitated because of him.
	"Well that's good to know," he said. He took off his last sock and
stood up and went into the cabin. Taylor, Justin and I looked around a
little confused. I didn't know what I'd done wrong and why Preston was
flipping out.
	"Should I go talk to him?" I asked. Taylor said no and instead he
got up and went inside, leaving Justin and me outside.
	"What was that about?" Justin asked.
	"I honestly have no clue." I had no clue.
	"He can't possibly be upset because you didn't drink that you'd
ever been in love," Justin said. "But he probably is." Justin didn't seem
worried. Instead, he nonchalantly layed down and crossed his hands behind
his head. He started a country song I didn't know and I decided to go
inside and find out what was happening.
	I opened the door to the cabin slightly and heard Taylor and
Preston talking in loud voices. I decided to gather as much as I could from
just listening to what they were saying.
	"You can't expect him to move as quickly as you, Preston," Taylor
was saying. "He likes you, I know he does, but love is a completely
different thing."
	"But he thought about, Taylor. He thought about it but he chose to
say no. He chose to not be in love with me."
	"Pres, it isn't that simple. He's new to all this. Give him
time. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be with you. But he
is," Taylor was saying.
	"I love him, Taylor. It's only been a few weeks, but I know. And I
try really hard and it gets tiring when you're trying to make someone love
you and they don't. How? How am I supposed to make him love me?"
	"Don't do this, Preston," Taylor had moved in close and was giving
Preston a hug. "You know what will happen if you push this. You'll push him
away. I don't want to see you hurt like you were after Brody. Just let it
go and let him take his time."
	"I'm tired of waiting," Preston said defeated.
	At this point, I walked in. They let go of their embrace and I
noticed Preston wipe away a tear. Justin was still singing outside, his
slurred words getting louder. I didn't say anything. What could I say? He
loved me and I didn't feel the same way. Taylor had said everything way
better than I ever could have and so I didn't know what I to say. Instead,
I just walked toward Preston and took his head in my hand and kissed him as
passionately as I knew how.
	I held on to his head even after our lips parted and I was staring
into his eyes.
	"I want to say the words so badly," I confessed. "I want to tell
you that I love you and I wish I could. But if I said them right now it
would just be doing it to make you feel better. I can't say it until I mean
it and I need you to be here until I mean it."
	He didn't say anything for a while. Instead, he grabbed my head the
way I was holding his and went in to kiss me. Afterwards, we looked into
each other's eyes again and he said, "I need to know that you'll mean it
eventually. I can't waste my time, Denton. I'll wait as long as you promise
to mean it eventually."
	And without saying anything, we both understood that I was too
afraid to say it right then. No matter how I felt about Preston, it would
take some time for me to get comfortable with the fact that I was falling
for him. And for the first time, he understood that.

	Zach- I realized I was getting into a rut. Charles was going around
excited as ever about him and Madison. Shane had his own thing to do and
Marco barely spent any time in the apartment at all.
	And I was spending a Sunday alone at home, reading a book in my
boxers in a rut. I didn't have any excitement. I wasn't doing fun things. I
wasn't doing anything. I realized that my life had become home, school, sex
with Shane and that was it. I had nothing to call my own. I was coasting.
	And as soon as I looked up from my book and had that epiphany, the
doorbell rang. I didn't even think to put on a pair of pants and I went to
go answer it.
	I almost fell backwards at what I saw at the door.
	"Don't shut the door," Chris said. He put his hand on the side to
keep me from closing it.
	"You'll either leave here with a hand or without one, but I'm
shutting the door," I said. I felt like he had so much nerve to show up at
my house uninvited. This guy, of all guys. What was he doing here?
	"Give me a chance," he said. He was stronger than me, so I let go
of the door realizing I had no hope of closing it.
	"What do you want?" I asked. My voice dripped with attitude. I was
no longer in my rut. Now I was just pissed.
	"I left her, Zach."
	And I almost fell over again. Just as I thought that my life had
become predictable, that everything always happened to someone else, I
realized I wasn't predictable at all. I had him. I had this baggage that
came from loving a married man for so long and I wasn't prepared to open
that bag again. I felt a rush of different emotions: bitterness, anger,
relief, excitement, guilt, joy and nervousness. I didn't know how to
respond. How was I supposed to respond?
	"I told her I was gay and that I was in love with a man," he
continued. "And I packed my things and I left and I came here."
	"What do you want me to say, Chris?" I asked. My mouth was dry and
I realized I hadn't said anything in hours. It cracked. "What do you want
me to say?"
	"I don't know," he responded.
	"That I'll take you back? That you're welcome here? That I still
love you?"
	"Do you?"
	"I don't know," I said realizing I was shouting. "I don't know. How
can you just show up here and ask me that?"
	"Look, I didn't expect anything," he said.
	"That's a lie," I said. I was cutting him off on every
sentence. "That is a lie. You expect me to turn around and let you right
back in."
	"I didn't," he tried to say over me.
	"You expected to start were you left off," I said, not letting him
have a word in edgewise.
	"Zach," he tried.
	"I'm not in the same place, Chris. I'm seeing someone. I've made a
decision to move on and you have absolutely no right to come here and force
your love down my throat." I was oozing attitude and I had no way of
stopping it.
	"I left my wife for you," he said. He was raising his voice too.
	"No you didn't. You did this for you and don't you ever pretend
otherwise." My head was spinning. I was speaking faster than I could ever
think and the words were coming way too fast.
	"Zach, I love you. Still."
	"Go, Chris. Just go." I could feel a tear coming down my face.
	"Zach," he tried.
	"Look, if you want a shot in hell of getting back with me, you will
leave right now," I screamed. I was crying full force now and I didn't know
what it was from. Why was I feeling like this?
	"Zach, let me..."
	"Get out! Get out Chris! I need to think and you have got to go."
	And without saying anything, he turned and left. I closed the door
behind him, turned around and slumped down on the floor feeling worse than
I had since the day he told me he was marrying.

	Jesse- "Where are we going to dinner, anyway?" he asked. I hadn't
told him. I was too nervous. I decided to keep up my end of the bargain by
taking Furgy to a restaurant I'd invited Brooklyn too earlier. The call had
been awkward, but I got through it and our date was set.
	"No where special."
	"You've been acting strange," Furgy said as I opened the door to
let him into the restaurant a few minutes later. We'd walked there in
almost complete silence. I didn't respond and instead let the sight at our
table speak for itself. I told the hostess we were meeting someone and a
second after we turned the corner, I heard an audible gasp from Furgy and
saw a smile the size of the Brooklyn bridge creep over Brooklyn's face. He
got up and I detected a hint of a tear on his face and before I knew it,
they were embracing. My job was done. I'd done my part and I realized that
even though I'd done the right thing, I didn't feel any better about
myself.

	Charles- "I just bought the most amazing pair of jeans," I said as
I got back to the apartment. I walked in and went straight for the common
room. Zach was sitting on the couch alone.
	"What's the matter?" I asked when I saw his face. He looked like
he'd been crying.
	"Nothing," he said. He wiped his nose with the back of his
sleeve. He was lying.
	`Tell me," I replied.
	"He left his wife, Charles. And he came here and he told me that
he'd left her for me and that he wanted me back and I told him to leave,"
he was rambling, but I caught most of it. He had to have been talking about
Chris.
	"Oh my," I said.
	"I know," he said. He was trying not to sound too sad or upset and
I could tell he was desperately trying not to cry. "What... what am I
supposed to do?"
	"I don't know, Zach. I wish I knew what to tell you."
	There was an awkward pause, a silence that I couldn't fill. I
didn't know what to say. And so I just sat there next to him. And after a
few minutes of neither of us speaking, the only sound in the room was that
of Zach's periodical sniffs, I saw him stand up, walk to the phone and dial
a number.
	"Let's talk," he said and I knew he was talking to Chris.
	I decided to leave the room and give the two of them a chance to
talk about whatever they needed, so I grabbed a sweater and went out to the
diner down the street for a cup of coffee.
	I wasn't halfway there when I looked into a different restaurant's
window and saw Brooklyn eating with a guy that looked to be about his
age. He was laughing hard and giggling every few seconds. He kept touching
the guy's arms and grinning widely. I cracked a smile at how happy he
looked.
	I kept walking and eventually got to the diner that sells dollar
ice cream cones and coffee. Not a minute after I sat down did I hear a
voice I never thought I'd hear again.
	"Well, this is small campus," I heard. I turned to see Jesse
standing above me. "Mind if I join?"
	"I don't think that's such a good idea," I said.
	"Really?" he replied. He sat down anyway. "I don't even know why we
hate each other anymore, Charles. It's childish really."
	"Childish how you texted me to come over and watch you get the shit
fucked out of you by my ex-boyfriend."
	"Exactly, Charles," he said. "He's your ex-boyfriend. Fair game."
	"Whatever," I replied. I didn't have the strength to come up with
anything witty at that point.
	"If anything, I should still be mad at you," he said.
	"Oh yeah?" I asked.
	"Yeah. You're the one that stole my boyfriend and then dropped him
for some other skuzzy city boy. Real classy, Charles."
	"You wouldn't recognize class if it hit you in the balls," I
replied.
	"You left Brooklyn wounded."
	"And lucky you had a band aid?" I said.
	There was an awkward silence in which I wished he would stand up
and walk away, sparing both of us. Then I realized I had a weapon that
would floor him and I'd have to wait until the absolute best moment to pull
out it.
	"You know what, Jesse," I said. "I'm not even upset about any of
it."
	"Really?"
	"Of course," I replied. "I'm over it. Like you said, Brooklyn and I
are no longer together. You and him are free to be with anyone you
please. I was being selfish."
	He had a victorious look on his face.
	"I'm sorry for calling you a slut earlier," I said.
	"Whore," he corrected.
	"Oh, whore. Sorry. And I think it's time I moved on. Thanks for
this conversation."
	"No problem, Charles. I'm just glad to see that we are both over
our rivalry with each other and our insistence that Brooklyn be in the
middle of it all."
	"Yeah," I said. "We're adults now and we've both moved on." I
paused before slowly adding, "Besides, I'm engaged to Madison. You and
Brooklyn are just the past."
	I saw his face drop as soon as I said `engaged' and I erupted with
laughter inside.
	"Oops," I said quickly. "Madison and I were planning on keeping it
quiet for a while. Oh well, I naturally let it slip to my ex-roomate. It's
like old times." He was still reeling. "Well, I have to run. Bye Jesse. I
hate to leave you alone, but I have things to do." And I hung on to the
word `alone' for as long as I could, adding insult to injury. I got up
slowly, smiled at him, left a dollar for my coffee and left.
	I hoped that Jesse finally realized I would always win, no matter
what the game.

	Zach- I made it painless and quick. I didn't hesitate. I didn't
analyze. I just did it, like ripping off a band aid. I knew it would hurt
him and I knew he would get over it eventually. I told him the truth- I had
to. It wasn't in me to cheat, so when Shane came home that night, this is
the conversation we had.
	"Shane," I began. "Chris called. He left his wife and he wants to
see if he and I can make it work."
	"So what does that mean?"
	"I guess it means that you and I should go on some kind of break or
something," I said. I was trying my best to be gentle, but I could feel my
own tears starting to form. "I'm sorry, Shane, it's just that he and I," I
began before he cut me off softly.
	"I understand," he said. I tried to say something but he repeated
"I understand and stood up and edged away from the bed."
	"I can't wait for you, Zach," he said softly again.
	"I know, and I can't expect you to."
	And that was the end of the conversation. And I woke up the next
morning bright and early because I was meeting Chris for breakfast and
noticed that half the room was empty and all of Shane's things were gone
and I was kind of alone. I shed a little tear before going to take a
shower.

	They say that decisions can be both difficult and easy to
make. They say the easiest decisions to make are those were the return is
much greater than the risk.

	**Comments and feedback welcome at Heavensforlife@aol.com**