Jay looked at me with an unwavering gaze, our hands still clasped together in confusion and togetherness. I felt bare and awkward as he looked at me, it was unnerving the very least. He finally blinked and broke contact, my hands slipping from his warm embrace. He walked back to his bed and sat down heavily, he released a deep breath. I sat back on my bed facing him.

"I can't give you what you want," he whispered.

As much as I hated myself for it, I felt my eyes sting with anger and sorrow. Months being copped up with this boy, months longing for him. Only to tell me he can't give me what I wanted hurt. It hurt.

"Why?" I whispered back, I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. Trying to chase away the bitter and angry tears that were threatening to spill overboard.

"Because...because I won't be able to hurt you. Because I know if I were to be with you, I wouldn't be able to sleep with anyone else, flirt with anyone else because it would hurt you."

I let out a bitter laugh, "So it's alright to do that with Jea?"

Jay shrugged his shoulders, "In all honesty, he doesn't care. He figures if I come back to him at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who I sleep with."

"Oh God!" I stood up and started pacing. My mind racing with thoughts about how pathetic Jea was.

"I know what you're thinking," said Jay, "You think he's lame for thinking that, but if you were ever his friend - please don't."

I stopped pacing and stood in front of Jay, hands on hips and no longer feeling the need to cry, "Oh, so I should stop thinking how pathetic Jea is, because I should be the better friend? It doesn't matter that he knew I liked you more than a friend, that the man who sleeps around with other people is lecturing me, to spare Jea his dignity? Jesus Jay you should record yourself when you spews your righteous, honest bullshit."

"I'm not saying I'm anything great, nor I'm I saying Jea is either. But he knows the score and he's made peace with it. He loves you as a friend, and he respects you and values your opinion. It would shatter him, if he knew you thought he was a moron for feeling what he felt."

"No I just think he's desperate."

"He might be Alex, but at least he isn't judgmental like you," snapped Jay.

I laughed again, the sound bitter and angry, "Since we're being honest and all, yes I am judgmental of you, him and me. I might be this boring, shy, quiet whatever-the-fuck guy. But I would never ever put myself down like he has been doing. And for what you? You'd think you were the next fucking American President the way he's bringing himself down around you."

"Why don't you actually be honest," countered Jay, "Why don't you admit that you're jealous."

"Fine! I am jealous, I'm jealous. I don't know why, because in all fucking honesty I hardly know you. Your opinions clash with mine, you fuck everyone and then break their hearts whilst laughing. You have everyone salivating from their mouths, including me, and it frustrates and angers me because if I had a chance with you, I'd do what Jea is doing - and it scares me so much. It scares me!"

Jay looked down his shoulders hunching in defeat, I closed my eyes and willed the drumming in my ears to stop ringing.

"That's not my fault, " he whispered finally.

"I know."

Jay looked at me and nodded, he got off the bed and put his jacket back on. I knew he was going to Jea's - and for once maybe it was the right thing.

----

I watched Jay pace the floor of my bedroom, he'd come over jostling me out of my sleep with his loud obnoxious knock. Opening the door I was immediately happy to see him, but he looked tense and sad somehow. I had asked him naturally wondering what had happened, but he shrugged me off before giving me a quick grin and dragging me into my bedroom. A few hours later of what I considered the best sex I had in my life, Jay had gotten up cleaned us both and started pacing. I wanted to ask again, maybe this time he'd share but I let it go. Whatever it was, it seemed personal and I didn't want to become a nagging significant other who just kept asking the same old question.

Suddenly Jay stopped and looked at me, his eyes distant, "What do you think of me?' The question was out before he could take it back or rectify it. I leaned up on my elbows, frowning as I mulled over why he asked the question and how to answer it.

"You've never cared," I finally settled. He laughed and nodded his hand, raking a angry hand through his hair, "Yeah I don't care, " he muttered.

"So why did you ask the question?"

"Because...because sometimes someone says something, and you figure they might be right. But you're too insensitive to actually give the explanation a second thought."

This time I sat up, letting the blankets pool around my lap, "Did Alex say something?" Jay laughed again, but their was no humour in it.

"Now why would you think that?"

"Because whenever you and Alex argue you get all whimsical on me."

"Why mister ain't that just a fancy word."

"Be serious Jay, " I snapped, I got off the bed letting the blanket fall back down on the bed.

"Just leave it out, " sighed Jay.

"Why is that every time something happens, it involves Alex. I mean seriously."

Jay stopped pacing and went and stood beside the large awning window, placing both hands against the cold glass he leaned his head against the glass, eyes closed.

"I don't know, " he whispered.

Pulling on my discarded sweat pants I pulled them up my legs, before grabbing my T-shirt and dawning that on too. I walked behind Jay watching his back rise and fall with even breaths, "Why does he get under your skin?" I whispered.

Jay sighed, and turned around hands bunching into loose fists, " I don't know."

-----

The days after mine and Jay's somewhat ludicrous but most truthful talk we had, since I had been here had somewhat delved into the first few days I arrived in New York. We said out hello's and good byes more often than not, I slept alone in the dorm room. It was almost having a single, except when Jay used the room for odd bits of studying or napping. I figured nothing was going to change with Jay, and my friendship with Jea was now on it's way to being non-existent.

"Hey"

Looking up from the book I hadn't bee actually reading, my eyes clashed with Susan's who looked both tired and drawn, "Hi."

"Mind if I sit?" She asked pointing to the bench space. I nodded and she sat, dropping her heavy back on the floor and her arm full of books on the space next to her.

"How you doing?" I asked cautiously. She laughed and rolled her eyes, "Yes you were a jackass but it takes more than that to lose a friendship," I sighed and nodded my head, letting myself laugh alongside her.

"Are we done moping about Jay yet?"

I shrugged "We had another argument and I basically told him how I felt."

"And?"

"I don't think he's ready for anything other than a quick fuck."

"But he's with Jea?"

"He's the quick fuck that'll always be there."

"Alex, come on don't be so harsh."

"It's the truth."

She sighed, "So what now?"

"Study hard, try and have some fun and let this thing with Jay go."

"What about Jea?"

I didn't answer Susan, mainly because I had no idea what would happen between us. I figured for now, it was time to let go.

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