I 've been fascinated with cocks as early as five years old. It had nothing to do with sex at the time – just an interest. I discovered early that it felt good when I played with myself, and when I got caught I was told it wasn't something that "good boys" did. That gave me even more interest because I thought there was something special – perhaps a hidden mystery in this forbidden activity.

I remember distinctly wondering what it would be like to suck a cock. There was no reason for it – just idle curiosity, but I found it interesting that I actually desired it long before I knew about blowjobs, and many years before my first climax. IT just seemed like having a cock in my mouth was definitely not something a "good boy" would do.

As I reached adolescence I learned about sex and masturbation. I jacked off as often as I could and loved it – no fear of going blind or any of the other consequences of "self-abuse".

For a time I would go with my friends to a YMCA to swim on Saturdays. We would take a bus there, so we were free of adult supervision. There was a large bridge nearby and we would sometimes explore under the bridge. One day we had the good fortune to discover a bunch of pages from porno magazines of all types. We couldn't bring much home safely so we had to go through quite a few to get the ones we wanted the most. I took some pictures of women but also of men. There were no action pictures – just people posing, but they were incredibly arousing for me.

I would jack off to the pictures, focusing mainly on the cocks. Soon my favorite fantasy was of sucking cock, usually cumming when as my fantasy guy would fill my mouth with his load. Then came the bad part: guilt and shame.

As intense as my climax was, my shame was just as extreme. I hated the way I felt right after this wonderful orgasm. I felt like I was the only guy who had my desires. I knew that I wasn't, but also knew that society really looked down on those of us who suck. I had to keep this a closely guarded secret.

When I was twelve I had a friend, Scott, who I would jack off with. He lived across the street from me and we would go into the woods behind his house where we would undress and jack off together. Sometimes we would fondle each other and I really loved it. Scott didn't seem to like fondling me as much as I liked doing him, but really liked my attention. I wanted to suck his cock, and I was sure he would let me, but I was afraid to try. That was probably a good thing because Scott didn't keep secrets well – if I had sucked him pretty soon the entire neighborhood would know, and maybe even my parents, and I'd be screwed!

If we had continued, I probably would have given in and sucked him, but after just a few weeks of our mutual play, Scott's father caught us! We quickly got dressed and he told Scott to go home. He really balled me out and said if we ever did it again he would tell my parents. I promised not to and went home, scared as hell! [This was the inspiration for my Sucking Scott series, which explores what might have happened if we had not been caught.]

By the time I got to high school my desires had intensified and nearly every time I jacked off I thought about cocksucking. The shame still accompanied each climax. There was a guy named Joe who was known to be gay (or queer as we called it then). It was the mid 1960's and not a very socially enlightened time, so Joe was the target of a lot of harassment. He was routinely called "Homo Joe" and his experience reinforced my need for secrecy.

For a long time I wanted to meet Joe, remembering my missed opportunity with Scott, but held off. One day we sat near each other in study hall and began to talk. I don't know if he could tell that I was interested, or if he was simply always looking, but soon I confessed to him my interest in cock. We took the same school bus, and agreed to sit together in the back seat. It was early fall, and we wore jackets in the morning when it was cold, but carried them home in the afternoon. Keeping our jackets on our laps we could take our cocks out of our pants discretely. We sat there squeezing each other's cocks and it was wonderful for me. I knew I wanted to suck him, but couldn't do it on the bus. If we lived closer we could have met in the woods, but we lived on nearly opposite sides of town.

We enjoyed fondling each other, but that was as far as it went for the moment. Then one day I saw Joe after school in an area of the building with few people, and he invited me into the boy's room. Soon both our cocks were out and we faced each other, stroking each other. His cock was about five inches long at the time, about like mine, but much thicker. I imagined that his thick cock would really fill my mouth, and I was eager to try.

Joe dropped to his knees and began to suck me. It was my first time and I loved it. He only sucked me for a minute and then stood up and said, "Your turn."

But alas, I chickened out. I wish I had not, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Perhaps I was afraid someone might come in and catch us, or perhaps I was afraid to be "queer." Regardless, we both left the boy's room disappointed.

Later, as an adult, I tried to find Joe, wanting to apologize for being so timid and hoping to suck him. My high school alumni listing didn't have any information, and he no longer lived in the same town, so I presumed that he moved away and made a fresh start. To this day, I occasionally try to find Joe, as well as Scott, but without success.

Over the years I would nervously go into Adult Book Stores. I knew there was a section for homosexual magazines, but spent most of my time in the straight sections, often buying magazines that featured women sucking men off. I would jack off to those, thinking of myself sucking the men. Occasionally I would walk by the homosexual magazines, and grab one that looked good and buy it. Those were the very best jack-off material, and eventually I grew bolder and focused on that area.

I bought dildos and experimented with anal. I tried sucking the dildos sometimes but found it difficult. By the time I was forty I had finally come to terms with my feelings, though I was not going to be open about it. That was long before the internet had gained popularity, and I really didn't know how to find guys to blow. I wasn't about to just walk up to guys and offer to suck them, so I consoled myself with my jack-off fantasies.

I was active in Karate and had a "heavy bag" in the basement. It was a large punching bag about a foot across and four feet long that provided a target for kicks and punches while I practiced. One day while working out I got a kinky idea. I found that I could put a pair of my jeans on the bottom of the bag, which hung 2-1/2 feet from the floor. I tightened the belt to hold the jeans in place and put a dildo throught the open zipper. The dildo had balls, which helped to hold it in place.

I stood there looking at the dildo sticking out of the pants and was immediately aroused. I dropped to my knees and sucked it while I jacked off. It was wonderful and I became very interested in finding someone to suck. I repeated this as often as I could, but was limited to times when my wife and kids were gone.

The internet was then blooming and I soon found that Yahoo offered free personal ads, and saw that many of them were for sexual hookups. I was in a job where I traveled to Atlanta for one week a month, and started to look at ads from there. I found one posted by Kelly, looking for someone to take nude pictures. I told him I would be glad to take some pictures but would like to suck him but had no experience. He wrote back and said he would be glad to teach me. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop near my hotel after work on my 47th birthday. It seemed like a fitting birthday present to me.

On the day of the meeting I began to have second thoughts, and considered just not showing up, but I decided that it was something I just had to do. As I waited in the coffee shop after work I wondered what I would do if Kelly ended up being some big, dirty, mean, biker-type guy. As I worried about this Kelly entered and I saw that he was a good looking clean guy who turned out to be a realtor.

I took Kelly to my hotel room and we both undressed. He lay on his back on my bed and told me to enjoy myself. Kelly spread his legs and I lay face down with his cock inches from my face. He was eight inches long, clearly bigger than my six, and very thick. I stroked it and loved the way it felt, and started to bring my mouth to it. As I did, I thought, "Once you do this, you are forever a cocksucker, and you can't go back." That caused me to pause, but then I forged ahead, knowing it was what I really wanted.

I opened my mouth and felt him enter me. It was amazing! Sucking the dildo was nothing like this. This felt so wonderful – like it really belonged in my mouth. I immediately knew that this was right for me, and wished I had started sooner. I sucked Kelly and knew I was very awkward about it, but I truly loved the feel of his cock in my mouth. Sadly, I was not able to make him cum, but he said it was okay and asked if he could fuck me. By that time I had learned to enjoy anal pleasures and quickly agreed but asked him to go slowly.

He had me get on my knees and put lube on my ass. He went slow, fingering me at first, getting me ready. When he entered me, he went slowly, so I felt no pain. Finally he was in and I really loved it. He fucked me for a few minutes and then climaxed.

After he left, I jacked off, one happy cocksucker.

I had arranged to meet Mack, another guy the next night. I felt more confident now and had him come directly to my room. He was smaller than Kelly, but I enjoyed sucking him just the same. I wasn't able to make him cum and apologized, confessing that I was new at this. I offered him my ass and he fucked me and then left.

I was now a cocksucker and loved it, but knew I wasn't very good at it. I realized that I must be sucking like a girl and decided that I wanted to be the very best cocksucker I could be – a master cocksucker, if there was such a thing.

I posted ads on yahoo looking for a "Suck Mentor" in Atlanta and in my home town. I recieved three responses – one from Atlanta and two from my home town. One was very exicting – it was a straight guy near me who had long wanted to teach a woman to suck, but said he would be willing to teach me. I immediately replied, but never heard back from him.

I replied to the other two and made appointments to meet them. Each had me to their homes and guided me as I sucked them, telling me how to move my tongue and use my throat muscles to arouse. Under their guidance I was able to suck both to completion the first time! After a couple of sessions I felt confident to suck others. I continued to gratefully service both of my mentors for months, and they complimented my progress.

I invited Mack back and he was delighted to cum in my mouth. I was unable to meet with Kelly again but did suck Mack as long as I continued to visit Atlanta.

I actively posted for blowjobs in Atlanta and back home and was sucking regularly. I posted looking for guys to blow in all the cities I visited. I would book blowjobs for every half hour on some evenings, loving the constant stream of horny men in my mouth. I had much less opportunity at home, and really looked forward to my trips, where I could count on ten or more blowjobs a week.

While I had come to terms with my feelings and loved being a cocksucker, I still had guilt feelings once I came. It wasn't as strong as before, but I feared that if I came while giving a blowjob that I wouldn't want to finish it, which I sure wanted to avoid.

Strange as it may seem, I somehow believed that I was one of very few men who would suck cock. The only other cocksucker I knew of was Joe from high school. I felt that I was doing something very special for men – something very difficult to find (how little I knew at the time). I knew that some men were abusive toward cocksuckers, and I decided that if I encountered them I simply wouldn't suck them any more.

I met John in Atlanta from a posting and began to suck him regularly. I didn't realize it at first, but John as a dom, or at least inclined that way. After I'd sucked him a few times he began to talk abusively to me, saying, "You need that, don't you cocksucker?" and other similar things that I thought were demeaning. As I sucked him I resolved that this would be his last blowjob from me.

After he left I thought about what had happened and got extremely aroused. I found that I somehow enjoyed John's "take charge" approach, even if it didn't seem very polite. I continued to suck him, now starting to like being called a cocksucker.

My only regret was starting so late – on my 47th birthday. In the time after that I've been busy, giving thousands of blowjobs, all remaining in the closet.

  To be continued . . .

Feel free to contact me with your comments or requests.
    –Bill Beaumonte (oral_guy_2000@yahoo.com)